Chapter 28 independent risk

Life is an adventure.The more love you invest, the greater the risk you take.We have to experience thousands or even millions of risks in our lives, and the biggest risk is self-growth, that is, getting out of the hazy and chaotic state of childhood, and moving towards the sanity and sobriety of adulthood.This is a remarkable leap in life, and it is equivalent to a leap forward, not a small random step.Many people do not achieve this kind of leap in their lives. They seem to be adults, and sometimes they have achieved a little, but until the end of their lives, their psychology is still far from mature, and they have never even gotten rid of the influence of their parents and never gained real independence.I was lucky --- when I was about to turn fifteen, I took a crucial step.At that time, I got a glimpse of the nature of growing up and the risks associated with it, an experience that I will never forget.I didn't know that my actions at that time were actually a manifestation of self-growth, but anyway, I still made great strides forward, and stepped into a new and unknown world.

At the age of thirteen, I attended Phillips Astor School, far from home, a prestigious preparatory school for boys (my brother also attended this school) and a recognized star school .Most of the school graduates will be admitted to the famous Ivy League schools, and they will enter the elite class of society as they wish after graduation.With the educational background of this star middle school, the road to life can be described as bright.I came from a reasonably well-to-do family, and my parents had the means to give me the best private education possible, which gave me a sense of security.Oddly enough, as soon as I entered middle school, I felt out of place there.The teachers, classmates, courses, campus, social life and even the whole environment there made it difficult for me to adapt.It seems that I have no choice but to study hard in order to open up a bright future.After two and a half years of hard work, I feel that life has lost its meaning and my mood has become more depressed.In the last year, I slept almost all day, as if only sleeping would make me feel comfortable and free.Looking back now, I was lethargic all day long, and it may be that I was subconsciously preparing for the upcoming leap.

As soon as I got home during spring break in third grade, I solemnly announced to my parents, "I'm not going back to that school." My father said, "You can't give up halfway. I spent so much money for you and gave you such a good education. Don't you understand what you are giving up?" "I know it's a good school, too," I replied, "but I'm not going back." "Why don't you try to get used to it? Why don't you try again?" my parents asked. "I don't know," I said dejectedly, "and I don't know why I hate it. I just know that I can't take it anymore."

"In this case, tell us, what are you going to do? You don't seem to take the future seriously. What kind of personal plan do you have?" Still frustrated, I said, "I don't know. I don't want to go to school anymore anyway." My parents panicked and had to take me to see a psychiatrist.The doctor said I was suffering from mild depression and suggested that I be hospitalized for a month.They gave me a day to make my own decision.That night, I was in so much pain that I thought of committing suicide for the first time.Since the doctor said I suffered from mild depression, it seemed reasonable to be admitted to a mental hospital.But my brother fit in well at that school, why not me?I knew that my inability to adapt to school was entirely my own fault, and I immediately felt like an imbecile.To make matters worse, I felt like a lunatic.My father also said that only a madman would give up such a good educational opportunity.Going back to Astor Middle School means returning to a safe and normal environment, a kingdom recognized by society and beneficial to one's future.However, my heart told me that it was not the path for me.As far as I can see, my future is very confused and full of uncertain factors.Giving up going to school will inevitably bring me unexpected pressure, what should I do?I insisted on leaving the ideal educational environment, did I really lose my mind?I am afraid.

In the moment of depression, like an oracle, I heard a voice, a voice from the depths of my subconscious mind: "The only sense of security in life comes from fully experiencing life's insecurity." This voice gave me It was a great revelation that although my thoughts and actions did not conform to the accepted norms of society, and even made me look like a lunatic, I should choose my own path, so I finally fell asleep peacefully.The next morning, I went to see a psychiatrist and told him that I had decided not to go back to Astor and that I was willing to go to a mental hospital.In this way, I jumped into the unknown world, started my independent life, and controlled my own destiny.

The process of growing up is extremely slow, consisting of countless small leaps into the unknown as well as big leaps—for example, the first time an eight-year-old rides alone to a remote suburban store; A child's first date with a member of the opposite sex, etc.If you think that these experiences are not adventures, then you are obviously forgetting the intense tension and anxiety in your heart when you have similar experiences in the first place.Even the most mentally healthy children, when they step into the adult world for the first time, besides excitement and excitement, there must be hesitation and timidity.From time to time, they want to return to a familiar and safe environment, and want to be the toddler who relied on others for everything.Adults experience similar ambivalence, as the older you get, the harder it is to let go of the long-familiar.I remember that after the age of fourteen, I experienced different changes every day: different people, different events, different feelings, which are excellent nourishment for the soul.Mental maturity cannot be achieved overnight. I have experienced various small leaps and occasionally unexpected large leaps.When I left Astor Middle School, it was undoubtedly a farewell to the values ​​of the traditional model.Many people have never made a large-scale leap, so they cannot achieve real growth.Although they look like adults, they are psychologically dependent on their parents.They follow the value standard of the previous generation, and they must get the "approval" of their parents to do anything. Even if their parents have long passed away, it is still difficult for them to get rid of the psychological dependence complex.They were never really in charge of their own destiny.

Most of the biggest jumps in life occur in adolescence, but in fact, this kind of jump can be made at any age.There is a 35-year-old lady who has three children.After suffering for a long time under the shadow of her domineering and self-centered husband, she finally realized that she was deprived of all the joys of life because of her dependence on her husband and marriage.She had tried hard to make the marriage normal, but her efforts were in vain.She mustered up the courage to go through divorce procedures with her husband, endured criticism from her husband and neighbors, and left the house with her children.She took risks and walked towards an unpredictable future—precisely from this moment, she became herself for the first time in her life.There is also a 52-year-old entrepreneur who suffered a severe heart attack and was extremely depressed.Looking back on his life of chasing fame and fortune, he felt that it was all meaningless.He realized that for a long time, he was not living for himself.Everything he did was to please his mother --- his authoritarian and critical mother.He worked hard all his life, just to get his mother's approval and shape himself according to her standards.After careful consideration, he resisted his mother's wishes for the first time, and regardless of the objections of his wife and children, he went to the countryside to open a small shop specializing in old-fashioned furniture.At his age and status, the pressure and pain in his heart can be imagined after undergoing such earth-shaking changes.However, he still showed superhuman courage and realized his long-cherished wish when he was young. Of course, this also benefited from his ability to accept the help of a psychologist.Accepting psychotherapy does not necessarily reduce the risk of growth. The value of psychotherapy lies in its ability to provide appropriate incentives and give patients enough courage to make choices that suit them.

For the maturity of the mind, besides love and self-improvement, besides breaking through the boundaries of the self and extending the self to new areas, what other conditions are needed?All the examples I've talked about above involved this factor: self-esteem and self-love.The reasons are: first of all, daring to pursue independence is itself a manifestation of self-esteem and self-love.I respect myself so much that I don't want to muddle through and maintain my miserable state at Astor High.I didn't want to put up with an upbringing that wasn't right for me.Similarly, a housewife cherishes herself and ends a marriage that restricts freedom and oppresses humanity.The businessman knows how to care for himself, so he is no longer the same as in the past, doing everything just to satisfy his mother's requirements.In this way, he did not have a nervous breakdown or even choose to commit suicide.Second, intellectual maturity requires a strong sense of security in addition to the will to self-improvement.In my own case, my parents sent me the message very early on, "You are worthwhile at all times." They told me, "You are our beloved child, you are a lovely person.

No matter what you do, no matter who you become, as long as you work hard and take risks, we will always support you and love you. "The love of my parents gave me a sense of security and taught me what self-esteem and self-love are. Without their help, I would not have the courage to choose my own future. I would ignore my needs, erase my personality, and just passively accept the life patterns they arranged. A person must make great strides forward to realize the complete self and gain the independence of the soul. Only by respecting the personality and wishes of the self, and daring to venture into the unknown, can one live freely, and make the mind constantly mature and experience the highest state of love. We Getting married, starting a business, and having children is not just to satisfy the desires of others. If we give up our true self, we will not be able to enter the highest state of love. Love in the highest state must be a self-chosen choice in a free state, rather than following the same pace and sticking to the rules. Instead of passively and passively resisting the call of the heart.