Chapter 25 love, not feeling

Love is practical action, is the real pay.Quite a few people claim to be loving, but at best they just long for the feeling of love. What they do is devoid of love, and even destructive.A truly caring person can show a gesture of love even in the face of someone he dislikes (or even hates). The love in their hearts is real rather than false love. The feeling of love is inseparable from cathexis.The latter is to "concentrate" emotions and interests on external objects and regard them as part of oneself.Concentration and true love are easily confused, but there is a significant difference.

First of all, the objects of spiritual concentration are not necessarily living things, so they may not necessarily have spiritual feelings.The object of concentration may be stocks or jewelry. The process of concentration does not necessarily start with love.Secondly, a person who has a concentration on something does not necessarily value the maturity of his mind.People with negative codependency are even afraid of the growth and progress of the object of the cathexis.The mother who picked up the child by car obviously took the child as the object of concentration.She pinned her personal emotions on her children, but did not pay attention to their mental maturity.Third, cathexis may have nothing to do with wisdom and responsibility.Two opposite sexes who meet for the first time in a bar may become absorbed in each other in a short period of time.They did not arrange dates in advance, did not make commitments, did not consider the stability of their respective families (they are obviously more important than sexual encounters), the emotions and needs of the parties, and only pursued sexual satisfaction.The last point is that the focus can disappear at any time.After sexual encounters and acts are over, both parties are less interested and find each other unattractive.In other words, the life force of the spiritual focus is extremely short, and it is impossible to maintain it for a long time.

True love requires dedication and devotion with all your body and mind, and all your wisdom and strength.Enough effort (even self-sacrifice) is required to make the object of love grow, or the wish of love will be frustrated.Only true devotion and devotion is the most effective way to realize love.The healthy growth of personality can only be achieved when the patient establishes a "therapeutic alliance" with the doctor.Patients seek psychotherapy in order to achieve some kind of change.They must trust the doctor in order to gain enough strength and a sense of security.In order to establish a "therapeutic alliance" with patients, doctors must also devote a lot of time and energy to give patients meticulous care.Doctors need selfless dedication.Doctors may not have enough patience to listen to patients' confides for a long time, but their professional dedication requires them to listen to patients' confides whether they like it or not.This situation is very similar to marriage: a healthy marriage is the same as a healthy treatment. Both parties have to make appropriate sacrifices, put aside their personal likes and dislikes for the time being, and give each other more care and care.In the same way, when the courtship instincts of both partners are over and the illusion of first love finally comes out, when both partners are willing to spend some time separately, their love begins to be really tested, and each other can find out whether love is really there. .

People with healthy emotions may also experience catharsis in psychotherapy or in marital relationships.Two people who really love each other, even if they have a stable marriage relationship, will still have concentration, but more of it is love.The feeling of concentration or falling in love makes love more passionate and brings greater happiness, but they are not indispensable conditions.A person who truly loves cannot act on the feeling of love alone.True love comes from the willingness of both hearts, not from impulse.True love is self-determination and choice, regardless of whether the feeling of love exists or not, you must dedicate your emotions and wisdom.It is indeed a good thing to feel love all the time, and whether love can last for a long time depends on whether we have the will to love and whether we have dedication.For example, I may meet a woman whom I really want to love, but doing so would destroy my marriage and endanger my family, so I suppress that thought by saying something like, "I'm very happy." Want to love you, but I won't because I've made promises to my wife and family." Likewise, with a busy work schedule, I can't just take on new patients because I've made promises to other patients, and My energy is limited after all.The feeling of love may be infinite, and the flame of love may be ignited in our hearts at any time, but the love we can give is limited, and we cannot choose the object of love at will.True love is not getting carried away, but a deliberate, big decision to dedicate your whole being.

To confuse true love with the feeling of love is to delude yourself.A person who drinks too much and neglects his wife and children may tell the bartender with tears in his eyes, "I love my family." The person who ignores his children may also think of himself as the most loving parent.This false gesture is actually not difficult to understand: it is obviously easy to talk about "love" in words, or just imagine real love in your mind, and use it as evidence of love, but it is easy to love through actions. quite difficult.The value of true love lies in consistent action, which is far greater than fleeting feeling or concentration.True love comes from self-will and can only be proved by actual actions. The difference between "love" and "non-love", just like the difference between "good" and "evil", has its own objective and established standards.Love is action, not fantasy. Love is an objective existence, not a subjective image of the mind.