Chapter 24 "self-sacrifice"
Unreasonable giving and destructive nourishment have one common feature: the giver uses "love" as a guise, just wants to meet his own needs, but never takes the other person's mental maturity seriously.There is a pastor whose wife suffers from chronic depression, and his two sons have dropped out of college and have nothing to do all day long.The pastor had to take the whole family for psychological treatment.All the family members have become patients. The pastor’s distress can be imagined, but he does not think that his family’s illness has anything to do with him. He said angrily: “I try my best to take care of them and help them solve various problems. I just wake up every day. Come on, you have to worry about their affairs, haven’t I done enough?” Indeed, in order to meet the demands of his wife and son, the pastor was exhausted.His children were supposed to learn to be self-reliant, but he did it all: buy them a new car and pay for their insurance.He lives in the suburbs with his family. He himself hates going to the city, and he doesn't like listening to opera, but every weekend, he will accompany his wife to the city to listen to the opera or watch a movie—even though he will doze off when he sits in the theater .He has a heavy workload, but when he comes home, he will be a good husband and father.For example, he insisted on cleaning the house for his wife and son because they never cleaned, and the pastor was as conscientious as the family's nanny.I asked the pastor, "Don't you think it's hard work for them all day long?" He said, "Of course it's hard work, but do I have any other choice? I love them, and it's impossible to leave them alone. What do they need? I try to satisfy them as much as possible. I can’t let them down. Maybe I’m not smart enough to do it, but as a husband and father, I have reasons to give them more love and care.”
The pastor's father was a well-known scholar back then, but his character was not flattering: he often drank heavily, was promiscuous, and completely disregarded the feelings of his family.The pastor hated his father's behavior deeply, and vowed to be a different person from his father since he was a child, and he was always full of love for his family.In order to consolidate the ideal image in his mind, he does not allow himself any indecent and immoral behavior.It is also based on this consideration that he joined the priesthood.Putting in so much effort ended up making his family vulnerable and helpless. This was so different from what he had originally imagined, so he couldn't understand it.In the past, he always called his wife "my kitty" and his two grown sons "my little darlings."Extremes lead to opposites, and his love for his family has exceeded the scope of reason.But he said in confusion: "Even if my love for my family comes from my contempt and resistance to my father, what's wrong? Am I going to be as irresponsible as him?" He should realize: love , is an extremely complex behavior that requires not only the heart, but also the brain.The pastor was determined not to be like his father, and this idea, and the resulting extreme behavior, robbed him of his love flexibility.It is better not to love than to love too much; to give blindly when it is time to refuse is not kindness, but hurt.Taking care of someone who is capable of taking care of oneself will only make the other party more dependent, which is the abuse of love.Pastors should realize that for their families to be healthy, they must be allowed to respect themselves and learn to care for themselves.It is also necessary to correct the role, not to obey the orders of the family members, and to express anger, dissatisfaction and expectations appropriately, which is good for the health of the family members.As I said, love is by no means unprincipled acceptance, but also includes necessary conflicts, decisive rejections, and severe criticisms.
Under my guidance, the pastor no longer followed suit, doing housework and cleaning for his wife and son.A son who does nothing about daily chores can also make him lose his temper.He no longer pays for their car insurance, but lets them pay for it themselves.Sometimes, instead of accompanying his wife to the opera in town, he let her drive alone.To some extent, he played the role of "bad husband" and "bad father", rather than responding to requests.Although his past behavior was based on self-satisfaction, he never lost the ability to love, which also became the driving force for his self-change.His wife and son were initially dissatisfied with his change, but things changed soon after: One son went back to college, and the other got a job and rented an apartment on his own.The wife also feels the benefits of independence, and the soul grows from it.The pastor himself has greatly improved his work efficiency and felt the real joy in life.
The pastor's inappropriate love had bordered on the edge of being a sadist.Both sadism and masochism are related to sexual needs and sexual associations.
Whether someone else suffers or makes oneself suffer, the patient experiences a certain physical pleasure.In terms of psychopathology, pure sexual abuse and abuse are extremely rare, and social sadism and abuse are more common, and their harmfulness is more serious.In the interpersonal communication related to sex, the patient always wants to hurt the other party or be hurt by the other party.
A woman was abandoned by her husband and had to seek help from a psychiatrist.She cries about her husband being abusive, that he never cared about her, that there are many women out there.He lost all the money he bought for food in the casino.He often came home late at night, drunk, cursed and beat her when he got home.Just before Christmas, he ignored his wife and children and left the house alone.The psychiatrist felt sympathy for what happened to this woman, but after further understanding, the sympathy would be replaced by strong incomprehension: this woman has been abused for 20 years, divorced twice from her husband, and reunited twice , After numerous breakups and reconciliations.Doctors spent two months helping her overcome the pain of being abandoned by her husband.As soon as she walked into the doctor's office one morning, she announced cheerfully, "My husband is back! He called me last night and said he wanted to see me. We had just met and he begged me to allow him to come home." .I saw that he wanted to repent and was like a different person, so I allowed him to come back.” The doctor reminded her that this had happened more than once, and was she going to let the tragedy repeat itself?
What's more, didn't she live well during this period of time?The patient replied: "But I love him, who can refuse love?" If the doctor wants to discuss with her further, what is "true love", the lady will be very angry and even decide to stop the treatment.
This is how it happened?The doctor struggles to recall all the details of the treatment.He recalled that when the patient described years of abuse by her husband, she seemed to enjoy some kind of pleasure from the abuse.The doctor couldn't help thinking: This woman endured the abuse without complaint, even willingly, and most likely she liked it.What is the motivation for doing so?Is she willing to endure abuse because she has spent her life striving for some kind of moral superiority?In other words, despite her difficult circumstances, she experienced a sense of superiority.When the runaway husband turned around and asked for her forgiveness, she transformed from abused to abuser, enjoying the pleasure of abuse.Her husband's begging made her feel superior, and she felt the joy of the avenger.Usually, such women suffered humiliation in childhood.In order to make up for the pain, they think they are morally superior, and enjoy the pleasure of revenge from the guilt and apology of others.The more humiliation and abuse they suffer, the stronger their sense of superiority, and thus the more emotional "nourishment" they receive.They don't need to be treated more kindly, because that would lose the premise of revenge.In order for the motivation for revenge to be plausible, they must experience the feeling of being hurt, which perpetuates specific psychological needs.Masochists regard enduring abuse as true love, but it is only a prerequisite for them to seek the pleasure of revenge. The motivation for enduring abuse comes from hatred rather than love.
Another misconception among masochists is that they wishful thinking and mistake self-sacrifice for true love.In fact, their subconscious harbors more hatred, and they are eager to be vented and compensated.The pastor we mentioned earlier was willing to sacrifice everything for his family, and he believed that his motives were solely for the sake of his family.His real purpose is to maintain a good image of himself.Sometimes we pretend to be considerate of others, maybe just to avoid responsibility and satisfy our own wishes.Everything we do is out of personal will, but the core motivation is to satisfy our own needs. No matter what we do for others, it may be for personal gain.For example, sometimes parents tell their children: "You should be grateful for everything we have done for you." At this time, it can be said with certainty that such parents lack real love for their children.Egoism and altruism are two different things, but we often confuse them.We love someone because we need to love someone else; we have children because we want them; we love our children because we desire to be loving parents.True love, which can change people, is essentially a kind of self-expansion, not pure self-sacrifice.True love can make the self more complete.Love, in a sense, is selfish, and its ultimate pursuit is self-improvement.Of course, being selfish or not is not the criterion for judging love. The only criterion for judging is: love --- always pursue the maturity of mind, otherwise, it is not true love.