Chapter 22 depend on

Another most common misconception about love is to mistake dependence for real love, and psychologists encounter this kind of problem every day.This situation often occurs in patients who are extremely depressed due to emotional frustration.They can't stand being alone, and even think of committing suicide or threaten to commit suicide.They said bitterly: "I don't want to live anymore! I don't have a husband (wife, boyfriend, girlfriend), what is the fun of living? I love him (her) so much!" I had to tell them: "What you describe is not love, but excessive dependence. To be precise, it is parasitic psychology. You cannot live without others, which means that you are a parasite and the other is the host. Your relationship and affection, there is no freedom. Composition. You are united because of need, not love. True love is a free choice. People who really love each other don’t have to live together, at best they just choose to live together.”

Without the care and care of others, people think that life is not complete enough to live a normal life, which constitutes psychological "dependence".Excessive dependence can only lead to pathology.Of course, we must distinguish between pathological dependence and the usual desire for dependence.Everyone has needs and desires to depend on, and they all hope that someone stronger and more powerful will care about them.No matter how strong we look or how much we try to look like we don't care, deep down we all crave the feeling of being dependent on others.Regardless of age, maturity or immaturity, we all want to have a competent father or mother by our side.Mentally healthy people acknowledge the legitimacy of this feeling without allowing it to control their lives.If it firmly controls our words and deeds, all our feelings and needs, then it is no longer a simple desire, but a psychological problem of over-reliance.Psychologists call the psychological disorder caused by excessive dependence "negative dependence personality disorder". Among all psychological disorders, this is the most common symptom.

People with this disease just think hard about how to get the love of others, and they don't even have the energy to love others, just like a hungry person only wants to beg for food from others, but can't give food to help others.They are lonely and alone, never able to experience fulfillment.What's even more frightening is that they don't even know they have "passive dependent personality disorder."They cannot break through their ego boundaries, and their life value depends on their emotional relationships with others.A 30-year-old machine tool worker asked me for help because his wife had left him with their two children just three days earlier.

The machine tool worker told me that his wife had threatened to leave the house three times before because the machine tool worker did not care about the family, her and the children.Every time his wife made a threat, he would plead and promise to correct his mistakes in the future—including the bad habit of drinking, but it didn't take long for him to drink again, and his care for his wife and children did not improve.His wife finally left him.He didn't close his eyes for two days and two nights, washed his face with tears, and felt that life had lost its meaning."I can't live for a moment without my family. I love them so much!" he cried bitterly.

"Then I don't understand," I said, "don't you admit that your wife's complaints are true? You refuse to do anything for her, and you go home whenever you want, with little regard for her needs. In addition, you can not talk to or play with your children for several months, so it seems that you have no feelings for your family members. They should have no effect on you if they leave you!" "But don't you see," he said, "I don't know who I am without a wife and kids. I don't care about them, but I love them so much. Without them, I'm nothing. It's all gone!"

At that time, he was so depressed that he lost his mind. I asked him to come back to me in two days.Of course, I never thought that his mood might change in a short period of time.However, when I saw him again, he was so happy.As soon as he walked into my office, he exclaimed, "Well, it's all over! I'm in a great mood!" I asked, "Have your wife and children returned yet?" He said happily: "No, they don't have any news. But last night when I was drinking at the bar, I met a girl and she said she liked me. She was in the same situation as me—she just broke up with her husband. We agreed We'll meet again tonight. I'm a normal person again, I know who I am, and I don't need to come to therapy anymore."

He changed quickly, as if by magic—a typical feature of a patient with passive dependent personality disorder.They don't care who they rely on, as long as there is someone they can rely on, they are satisfied.It doesn't matter to them what that identity is, as long as they feel comfortable acquiring some identity or role through their relationships with others.Their emotional relationship, seemingly warm, is actually fragile, because the purpose of their emotional construction is only to fill the emptiness in their hearts, and even reach the point of not rejecting anyone who comes. There is a female patient, who is young, beautiful, and extremely intelligent. From the age of 17 to 21, she has had affairs with countless men—even though the other men may not be comparable to her in every respect.She interacts with men like a lantern, and those men come into sight and disappear from her sight.Her sense of emptiness was so strong that she didn't even have the patience to wait for the right man to show up, nor did she take the time to get to know him and develop a relationship with him.Hardly a day had passed since a man had walked away, and she was flirting with the newest man she had met, without caring what character or personality he had.She even praised the man she knew in front of me: "I know, he has no proper job, and he often drinks heavily. But he is very talented, and I think he cares about me. He is what I need, the kind fit my man."

In fact, her choice is still a failure, not only because the person she chooses has problems.The problem is that no matter which man she is dating, she is overly attached to him, entwining him tighter and tighter like climbing a vine.She forced the other party to express her feelings to her, and she stayed with the other party every step of the way.She told the other party: "I love you very much, so I can't leave you for a moment." Her restraint made the man suffocate.They often quarrel, and the relationship ends in the quarrel.By the next day, the vicious cycle started again.After three years of treatment, the condition of the female patient improved.She finally came to appreciate her own abilities and learned the difference between a strong sense of emptiness and true love.For a long time, she has been driven by loneliness, emptiness, and clinging to the relationship, which can only make the relationship go to destruction faster.She has learned self-discipline and adjusted her mentality in time, so that she has more opportunities to give full play to her strengths, engage in valuable careers, and finally get out of the shadow of pathological dependence.

The word "passivity" is added before "dependence" because patients only care about what others can do for them, but never consider how much they can pay for each other.Once, I received group therapy for five patients suffering from passive dependence.I asked them to state what they wanted to achieve five years from now, and almost everyone said, "I want to find a partner who cares about me and marry him or her." No one talks about taking challenging jobs, creating satisfying art, actively serving the community, falling in love with someone deeply, and having children.In their daydreams, there are no words such as "effort" or "progress". They just want to be loved and cared for effortlessly.I told them: "If you only regard getting the love of others as the highest goal, you will not be able to achieve success. If you want others to truly love you, I am afraid that you must make yourself a person worthy of love. All you think about is passive acceptance of other people's love. It is impossible to be a person worthy of love." Of course, passive dependent patients may not always be selfish, but their motivation is nothing more than wanting to hold on to someone and get the care and attention they need.If they can't achieve their goals, they will not do anything for others (or even for themselves).For example, the five patients mentioned above all felt that it would be better for them to find a job immediately, or live alone without their parents, or buy a house on their own, or change a job they are not satisfied with, or cultivate a hobby and interest again. It's all pretty tough stuff.

In a marriage relationship, there should be a division of labor between husband and wife: the wife does the cooking, tidying up, shopping, babysitting, etc., while the husband earns money, keeps savings, mows the lawn, fixes furniture, and so on.Emotionally sound spouses can change roles appropriately: a man occasionally cooks, plays with the children, cleans the house, etc. These are a wonderful gift for the wife.In addition, you can also consider doing "part-time jobs" for the other party, such as on the husband's birthday, the wife takes the initiative to mow the lawn for him.Appropriate role swapping is like playing an interesting game, which can add more interest to life and reduce dependence on each other.It can train us to live normally without the support of our partner, rather than suddenly lose our assertion and become overwhelmed.

People who are overly dependent always regard losing their partner as an extremely terrifying thing. They refuse to reduce their dependence on others at all, and refuse to give each other more freedom.In a negatively dependent marriage, the role division of husband and wife is extremely strict. No matter what you do, you always start with an over-dependent mentality, which makes marriage a terrible trap.The so-called "love" is just excessive dependence, but freedom and independence do not exist.Some people who are too dependent even prefer to give up their abilities and skills before marriage after marriage.For example, a woman suddenly "forgot" how to drive after marriage—— This is a common psychological complication of passive dependence.It's not that she hasn't learned to drive, but an accident after marriage made her afraid of driving, and she no longer dared to sit at the wheel.For a family living in the suburbs, her phobia is enough to tie her husband by her side forever. After all, without her husband, she might not be able to go anywhere.The husband also has to do the shopping, or act as her driver when she goes shopping.Husbands don't realize that their wives are suffering from mental illness, and they don't consider seeking help from a psychiatrist.I once told a bank clerk that his 46-year-old wife would no longer drive a car out of fear, and there might be some special psychological factor involved.He hurriedly denied: "No, we checked with the doctor, and the doctor said that this is just a special situation of menopause, and there is no way to solve it." After treatment, we finally figured out the reason behind the problem—his wife knew , the husband has to pick up her and the child after get off work every day, which means that his time is completely occupied, and it is impossible to date other women.This gave her a considerable sense of security.The bank clerk also knew that without his help, his wife would not be able to do anything, and that there would be no chance of betraying him, which also made him feel safe.Although a negatively dependent marriage may last for quite a long time, and both husband and wife are satisfied with the status quo of the marriage and will not have too much sense of crisis, such a marriage is not sound, and there may not be true love in it.Obtaining a sense of security at the expense of freedom will inevitably pay a high price, and it will be difficult to develop healthily psychologically. Only by learning to be independent and able to understand each other's real needs can we build a happy family and make the marriage relationship more durable. One of the hallmarks of negative codependency is a lack of true love.The patient did not receive the care and love of his parents in childhood, and was accompanied by loneliness and emptiness all day long.They feel unworthy of the love of others.In their hearts, the world is ruthless and chaotic, and others always treat them differently.They have deep doubts about their own worth, so when they grow up, they seek love from others desperately, even to the point of unscrupulous.They try their best to maintain the emotional relationship with others, preferring to sacrifice each other's independence and freedom. This way, it is easier to cause obstacles to each other's relationship. True love and self-discipline go hand in hand.Parents lack self-discipline and do not give their children enough love, so it is impossible for children to respect themselves, let alone how to give others true love.The tendency of negatively dependent patients to become overly dependent is a specific symptom of personality disorders. They are unwilling to postpone satisfaction, only covet temporary happiness, and can never face reality.They never consider the needs of others, even if the emotional relationship is about to break down, they still go their own way and refuse to make self-examination and change.They refuse to take responsibility for their personal growth, preferring to sacrifice the feelings of those closest to them.When emotional problems arise, they blame others.They often live in disappointment and frustration, and think that others are not doing their best.They tend to forget the benefits of others and only think of their shortcomings and shortcomings, and feel depressed and resentful about it.One of my colleagues said: "Depending on others is the worst way to live." I agree with him.Yes, instead of relying too much on others, it is better to rely on drugs!After all, as long as the supply of the latter is sufficient, at least it will keep you in a state of intoxication for quite a long time.Seeing other people as a source of happiness is bound to be a hit in the end.A large number of patients with passive dependence are actually addicts, some like alcoholism, and some are obsessed with drug abuse.They have a sort of "addictive personality"—they're only addicted to others, they take everything they need from others, and they can't get enough.When rejected, or denied benefits, they immediately turn to the cup or syringe as an emotional and spiritual substitute. Too strong dependence may make us strongly close to someone. On the surface, we love each other deeply, but in fact, there is a world of difference between dependence and love.The overly strong sense of dependence mostly comes from childhood—the patient's parents lack the ability to love, and the misfortune will be passed on to the next generation.If you only want to get but don't want to give, your mind will stay in infancy forever. This will only limit and constrain your life, and will only cause damage to interpersonal relationships. People suffer accordingly.