Chapter 15 Answer readers' questions
Question: My little girl has just graduated and works in an office.The big office mom shows off all day long, belittles and despises others, and pretends to know everything.I am not strong in heart, and I am often despised by her. I don't know how to deal with such people?
Answer: She has low self-esteem in front of you, but she has experience that can overwhelm you.So, she's sending you a signal: "Kick me up, give me face, and I'll pay you back!" Go ahead, it's your turn!
Answer: Of course there is.Think about it, people who are anorexic don’t want to eat, they don’t seem to be hungry, and at the same time, they feel depressed, it seems that food is unclean and dangerous, right?Food represents the world outside his "self". If he doesn't want to eat, he doesn't want to have contact with the outside world, because contact is dangerous for him.
Therefore, most people with anorexia are people who have no enthusiasm to deal with others.
Let's look at obesity again.A person who is so obese must have eaten too much, but eating too much is not only a physical need, but also a psychological need.What does he need psychologically?Need to possess the world, to put the world into his stomach!
Obesity, the result of two pills he took for anxiety.One piece is used to eat to relieve anxiety, what he eats is not food, but medicine; one piece is to absorb the "world" into his stomach to satisfy his possessive desire in disguise, what he eats is also not food, but money, objects and the relationship with others !
Question: I found that I have a rather ridiculous tendency, that is, when I have to do things that I don’t want to do or are inconsistent with my own values, I will try to resist passively, such as discounting things, leaving work, etc. It seems that after such a struggle, he can feel at ease in the situation.What kind of psychology is this?I should be a person with low self-esteem + acting personality, right?
Answer: You are protecting yourself psychologically, so as not to let those things you do not want to but have to do harm your psychological structure. If you resist, it is to prove to yourself psychologically that you have not done anything because of interests or others. Sell yourself for the reason.
That's right, don't feel yourself to blame.Its negative effect is that if you keep playing like this, there will be psychological conflicts, which will magnify and torture you.
So, the best way is not this, but: clarify the meaning of what you want to do, because of how, so you must do it, so that you are not forced to do it with psychological protection.
Question: May I ask the teacher, what kind of psychology is it that you care about others' evaluation of you, and when you hear your own shortcomings, you will secretly try to correct them?
Answer: You are really cunning psychologically, and, as long as you work hard, you are destined not to be mediocre.Believe me, yes.
I teach you a trick to understand yourself.
You care about other people's evaluations, which shows that you are pursuing excellence, but you don't have enough confidence in yourself.
But when you heard the shortcomings, you were not depressed, depressed, or angry, which showed that you were a person who dared to face yourself, and you also knew that you had many shortcomings.
If it is a person who dare not face himself, he will become a psychological animal at this time. If others praise him, he will be very happy; if he belittles him, he will be angry.In short, what other people say only arouses his emotions, not his self-examination.He relies on emotions to prevent others and himself from touching his heart!Look, isn't his psychological protection a bit too exaggerated?
Whether a person is promising or not, the most critical point depends on whether he wants to prevent himself from facing himself psychologically.
And why do you secretly try to correct your own shortcomings when you hear about them?In fact, this is telling you that you actually know your own shortcomings in your heart and are willing to correct them. However, you are usually lazy, you don’t put pressure on yourself, and you ignore it.But when it is exposed in front of others, you know that you can’t do without correction, because your shortcomings are exposed in front of others, and you are at a disadvantage psychologically and in terms of value.
Why secretly correct it?This involves one of your secrets: an inner defense in your dealings with others, a fear of being transparent.You pursue a kind of pleasure that others don't know what you are doing, but when you appear in front of others, you can surprise others.
In a word, when you are not superior enough in psychology and value, you are unwilling to let others see you, and when you are superior in psychology and value, you will show yourself.
So, train your abilities when no one else sees you!When others see you, show ability!
Q: What is the difference between ignorance and stupidity?
Answer: Ignorance is a word used to describe the structure of intelligence. It means that you don’t know in your mind. There is nothing shameful about it. It’s only shameful if you don’t dare to admit your ignorance. But “dare not” is already a psychological problem.
Unlike ignorance, stupidity is a concept of intellectual structure and psychological structure at the same time.It says not only that one doesn't know, but also psychologically presupposes that one knows, and prevents oneself from knowing!
So people who think they are smart, feel good about themselves, and are conceited are really stupid.
Q: I'm very sensitive and I don't know what's wrong with me?
A: I don't know what's wrong with you either.But I know that your sensitivity is not because you have a sharp mind, but because you have anxiety or even fear in your heart. You are afraid that something will hit you, so you should take the initiative to carry out psychological defense to avoid being caught off guard and being hurt. So, if there is a sign, you immediately think it is a symptom of these things happening.
I don't know if you realize if you are a psycho animal when you are sensitive.
Question: Teacher, I have always felt that I am a dull person. I can’t react to what others say for a long time. How can I change myself?
Answer: It seems that you know that your dullness may not be a problem of the mind, but a problem of the heart.Just to clarify, there is nothing I can do about the brain problem.
What does dullness mean psychologically?It means that you close yourself, afraid of being too deeply involved in the relationship with the world, and would rather live in your own psychological acre.The reason why you can't react to what others say for a long time is actually because you are afraid of the consequences if you react.Your dullness is closing your eyes to the dangers of the world.I don't know what happened to you in the past, but one thing is for sure: you are uncomfortable with dealing with other people.
If you still have a friend, communicate more with him, especially argue about issues.
Q: Why are many post-90s so short-sighted, just want to enjoy the present and not think about the future?
Answer: Very simple.They grew up in an era of very rapid change.What does it mean to be too fast?It means many things, especially the increased uncertainty of the "future", and people cannot grasp it psychologically.
But "now" is certain and therefore psychologically graspable.
So, from the perspective of psychological protection, why should we think about the uncertain "future" instead of enjoying the "now"?
If you still don’t understand, then think about it, is the future determinable when a society remains unchanged?That is to say, the days just start again and again, what will be like tomorrow and what will be like in the future, you can see clearly.
But if society changes too fast, you won't know what tomorrow will be like.
Q: I'm a man, and I'm a middle-level manager in a company.Why do I have the feeling that I have lived in vain for so many years?
Answer: A person's life is made up of experiences.Those experiences that have influenced us and made us a certain way must be "psychological experiences", which have impacted and changed our psychological structure.
Some experiences have little effect on our psychological structure. For example, when we commute to and from get off work every day, see so many people, and encounter so many things, they will only stay on the surface of our intellectual structure and psychological structure, and then be like smoke. Disperse.
Because experience is so important to life, and you especially value certain experiences that you have not yet had, it feels like you are living in vain.
In addition, I would like to say that many men and women want to cheat once, not necessarily because of unsatisfactory marriage, but because they want to possess the experience of "cheating", so that life seems to leave no regrets.
Answer: It shows that you are cowardly and afraid of violence in your bones!
The elder Lu Xun once said that onlookers are like a group of ducks being held by their necks. This is a literary description.From the perspective of psychological analysis, I actually want to say that the onlookers are a group of people with dark psychology, deep feelings of frustration in their hearts, and people who always want to vent and destroy.And no matter what happened to others, he went to watch the excitement, which satisfied this dark psychology in a disguised form, because this kind of thing happened is exactly what he wanted to see in his heart, he could get vent from the crowd, and he didn't have to worry about it. any risk.
What about those who don't want to watch, like you?
You will be afraid of violence.The reason is that you are afraid of an uncontrollable force that might hurt you.And the onlookers formed one such group.When watching, the crowd may be boiling, and there may be an uncontrollable chaos.All of these pose a threat to you.
Then, out of psychological protection, you will take the initiative to avoid this threat, just not to watch.
Question: A classmate of mine is usually polite, gentle and humble, and treats others very politely.But in the Sanda test, the beating was very fierce, which surprised the people around.What is his psychology?
A: This man reminds us that it is what a person really is, not what he appears to be, that matters.Otherwise, we don't know which day we will suffer in his hands.
That is to say, when we look at a person, don't think that it's over just by looking at what he looks like, it may just be a disguise.We can capture his heart and what kind of person he is from his expressions, language, actions, etc.
Here is a simple method: when a person appears in front of you, no matter what role he is playing, just play a little exaggerated in expressions, language, and actions, so that you feel a little unreal or awkward in your heart, Then you must pay attention and grasp your feeling, because it tells you that what this person shows is not what he really is.
Then, you can use psychoanalysis to decipher what kind of person he is and what he wants to do?
Tell me about your classmate.He is polite, gentle and humble, and treats people very politely. Well, he looks like a model of a gentleman, doesn't he?People love it.However, something is wrong.
Because, when we communicate with a person, it is either a personality communication (such as between friends), or just a role communication (such as with a customer).Although politeness and politeness in facial expressions, language, and actions are used as lubricants for communication, after all, the communication between two people is either for relationship or benefit, not for this set of politeness and politeness. Come.
Therefore, if it is a personal communication, if the expressions, language, and actions are so exaggerated, it will overwhelm the guest and distract the relationship.What about character interactions?This is precisely a kind of packaging and cover-up of the psychological motivation behind it.For example, if you want something from a certain person, of course you should try your best to please him.
Of course, your classmate is not communicating with customers, but with classmates, teachers, and friends.What does playing like this mean?
It shows that he has never learned to let his true self deal with others!He is either afraid of offending others, or afraid of being impolite, so he has moral pressure and has been suppressing himself!The suppression of oneself is a kind of harm to oneself in terms of psychological structure. Based on psychological protection, he will become aggressive, whether it is attacking himself or others.
If it is an attack on himself, he is inclined to do so without being seen.If it is to attack others, he will also be inclined to do so when he is protected by legality.
very lucky.Sanda, no matter according to the rules of the game, or everyone's values, can attack others.So, he finally stopped suppressing himself, broke out, and exposed his true self.
Question: I saw these words and thought they made sense, but for some reason, I wanted to ask you for advice.Please don't ignore me!
These words are:
a. If a woman wants to seduce a man - simple;
b. If a man wants to seduce a woman (without material temptation) - difficult;
c. A man wants to seduce a man (without material temptation) - find a fight;
d. A woman wants to seduce a woman - seems very simple.
Answer: Yes.I value your existence.
a. is right.Because psychologically, men have a tendency to possess women, and the ones delivered to the door cater to this, so it is simple.
b. is also correct.Because it violates the psychological contract and the rules of the social game: women are not free for men.
c. is also correct.Because there is hostility between strange men and men.
d. It is wrong.it's complicated.Moreover, it is often difficult for a woman to seduce another woman, because there is jealousy between them, and the other party is psychologically presupposed as a competitor!
Question: I am lazy, how can I overcome it?
Answer: There are three situations in which a person is lazy.
One is that he has a deep sense of failure and has lost confidence in himself. In his opinion, doing anything is meaningless and nothing can be changed, so he convinces himself in his heart that there is no need to do it.Laziness is a manifestation of this psychology.
The other is that he feels that his status quo is good, he feels good about himself, he does not want to change anything, and he is afraid of changing anything. Laziness allows him to hide in the status quo and enjoy a sense of security all the time.Because if something is done, the order of the status quo will be destroyed, and he will have uncertainty and a sense of insecurity.
There is another kind, that is, knowing that I am not good at certain aspects, but I am satisfied with the status quo for the time being, and I still have fantasies and reliance, so although I know that if this continues, I will be left behind sooner or later, but I am still content with the status quo , I don't want to work hard, because things don't seem to be that far.
I think this is definitely the case for you.Because people in the first and second situations don't think about overcoming laziness.
The method is very simple, compare with those who are several levels above you, how are you doing?Do you have a reason to be lazy?So, what do you want to do?Do it now!
Question: Teacher, what is the difference between a villain and a villain?They both like to attack others.
Answer: I not only want to answer you, but also want to show you a terrible psychological law!
Let's look at the villain first.
The villain is attacking a person in the dark, right?Moreover, when attacking, he did not show obvious aggressive emotions and gestures, such as anger and viciousness.why?This is because he gains psychological advantage by relying on his help in the dark and others in the light, not by aggressive and destructive forces such as ferocity.
That means, when the villain plots against others in the dark, he is actually terrified in his heart!
He is not afraid of you playing with him in the dark, because there is no threat to him and he is safe.But if you don't play by the rules of his game, it is directly expressed as a threat of violence to him, and his fear is activated.
I certainly don't mean that when you face a villain, you have to resort to violence.Pay attention to the principle, which is to break the rules of the game in his favor, that is, he is in the dark.If you face him face to face, and open it in front of many people, he will also tremble.
Let's look at the villain again.
The aggressiveness of the villain is directly reflected in violence.Why is he playing so exaggeratedly?
When I talked about the fear of death in the book, do you still remember a classic quote? "The reason why some people are not afraid of death is because they are death itself psychologically!" I remember when I was a child, I once saw a neighbor go to the grave to sleep all night in order to strengthen his courage!
The wicked are vicious, that's the reason.
Let's describe the features first.The villain has fierce eyes, and speaks concisely, powerfully, and viciously, right?
Not to mention the eyes, you can see it directly.We do language analysis!
What does it mean to speak concisely, forcefully, and viciously?Concise and never sloppy language, with a sense of power, constitutes a psychological shock to others!He shows this ferocity, this sense of power, that he sees himself as a threat, violence, death itself.
Think about it, can he experience fear at this moment?Obviously not, because he is a kind of energy, an energy that threatens others.
Well, look at a terrible psychological law.
Think about it, what will happen if the wicked do not show evil, that is, do not experience hatred and aggression towards the world?Obviously, he'd be forced to face his rotten self.Then, there will be a kind of strength in his heart, condemning him for making himself a failure of this kind of existence!He didn't dare to face this, so he had to force himself to maintain the image of a villain.
So why does a person become a villain?
There are no born villains.When we say "someone is born a badass," it's an emotional exaggeration, not a standard factual judgment.
Then it is easy to understand, in this regard, you can expand your imagination.For example, the reason why a certain person becomes a villain is because of the influence of family and friends, setbacks in various aspects, and so on.
What we care about is what happens psychologically when he takes the first evil step?
What happens is this: there must be an inner voice condemning him, because by doing so, he is a bad person, and he came into this world, according to the rules of existence, he should not be such a person, For whatever reason.
So, he has moral pressure!
How to eliminate this moral pressure?
He dared not face himself, because once he faced himself, he would hate himself, because no matter what external reasons he could find, his ego, conscience, and humanity were indeed killed by him.So what to do?The solution is to continue to hate the outside world, because he has become a villain, there are factors such as temptation and persecution from the outside world, and more importantly, he will turn his hatred of himself into hatred of the outside world: you are the one who forced me to become a self-destructive person of!
Do you see it?Once this happens, he has set himself a trap. The more evil he is, the less he dares to face himself, and the less he dares to face himself, the more evil he becomes, and finally he becomes a scumbag!
Question: When someone is excited, their hands will shake.Why?
Answer: First describe the phenomenon of shaking hands caused by excitement. Let's imagine this situation:
For example, when you took the college entrance examination, you thought that you could not pass the entrance examination to Peking University, but suddenly someone told you that you had passed the entrance examination.
Excitement leads to shaking hands, mostly when a result appears, which greatly exceeds your expectations, or you didn't expect it at all, right?
If you knew that you would be admitted to Peking University, you must be very calm, right?
So the simple explanation is: a person releases his original expectation and worry about the result violently in an instant, which is manifested in language and actions, such as incoherent speech, such as running quickly, such as shaking hands.
If you still don't understand, think about Fan Jin's performance after winning the exam!He was much worse than trembling hands.But you should also see that I'm only talking about the physiological effect of agitation (hand tremors) without explaining why.
Okay, let's examine the phenomenon of shaking hands.I'm not talking about neurological problems here, only psychological ones.
Describe the phenomenon of shaking hands.My hands trembled slightly, I couldn't control it, I was nervous, and at the same time, my heart was very happy.Roughly so.
Do you see it?It exposes psychological secrets.
The reason is: when the result comes out, one wants to grab it, but at that time, still can't believe it's true!Therefore, shaking hands constantly, as if still afraid is not true, it is a kind of psychological protection!
Still don't understand?Then think about the performance of the people at the table!When a gambler who doesn't win very often suddenly wins a lot of money, his hands shake.That's because, trembling hands, this behavior has constructed an order that allows him to obtain psychological protection: he is ecstatic about the result, but afraid that it is not true, so he dare not hold on to the money at once!
Question: You said that your inner strength theory and psychoanalysis theory have a philosophical basis, and are fundamentally different from those "rarely confused" and "strangle desire" theories.I myself have a feeling that watching that stuff just makes me more self-delusional and more divisive.It wasn't until I read your book that I realized it.But I don't understand, where is their theoretical weakness?
A: They made a simple logical error.
All the confused and ascetic theories that advocate "rarely confused" and "strangle desire" are: strangle your thoughts, feelings, and desires, it seems that you will have no pain and no restraint.It implicitly regards human thoughts, feelings, and desires as the source of pain and bondage, but it does not know that thoughts, feelings, and desires are not painful or painful in themselves, and they are also the realization of one's own life. The value or condition of living a good life is just that it will be stimulated or restrained by the outside world.
The theories of "confusionism" and "asceticism" have adopted ostrich tactics here, retreating, and secretly replacing the constraints on thinking, feeling ability, and desires with that they themselves are constraints.
Question: I am an inferiority complex, 20 years old, female.A few questions for you, I'm confused, want to change, need help!
a. Why do I deliberately pretend to be indifferent or even ignore some people, but in fact I am thinking about them all the time, and if I accidentally make eye contact with them, I will immediately look away and hope they don’t think that I am just now looking at them?
b. Why would I rather mislead others than let others know what I really think?
c. Why do I look down on others when I haven't achieved my ideal at all, and analyze their shortcomings clearly and logically?
A: You are indeed an inferiority complex.
Question a.These "some people" must be your relatives, friends, etc., and you are either in a bad situation, or have been hurt in some way, or feel inferior in front of them in your heart.In your bones, you actually hope that they will respect you, care about you, and hope to be friendly with them, but you have a strong self-esteem, and you don't want to expose your inner weakness and pain to others.Once you have a normal relationship with them, because they know you better, then their eyes will look like they have seen your heart, and it is difficult for you to bear such eyes.Therefore, you must have a psychological protection, that is, although you want it in your heart, you must pretend in your expressions, language, and actions, and you must "resist" others and avoid those eyes.
Question b.You are a good low self-esteem person.You are not aggressive to the outside world, but you are afraid of being hurt, of being attacked, and if you are attacked, it is very difficult for you to resist.So what to do?It can only be to hide your self from others to see.This forms the way you protect yourself when interacting with others.Therefore, even if you mislead or even deceive others, you cannot let others know your true thoughts, because your true thoughts represent your self, and once others know, you will be in danger.
Question c.Your looking down on others is just a projection of looking down on yourself.The more you analyze other people's shortcomings, the more you can cover up your own shortcomings.Therefore, when you look down on others and analyze their shortcomings, remember that what happens to you psychologically has nothing to do with others. You just played this kind of psychological tricks and dare not face your own shortcomings!
My advice to you is:
Be alone with yourself in the dark for half an hour no less than three times!
Read my book, learn to analyze and clarify your own psychological problems!
Communicate with others more, speak out your true thoughts bravely, and meet others' eyes with your eyes without fear!
Let yourself become the center of the crowd more than twice, and train your expressive and communication skills!
Set a goal and stick to it every day!
Question: When I see someone sick, I feel anxious and want to lose my temper with him. If he is my relative, it will be more obvious.I don't have a mental problem, do I?
Answer: You have not, don't worry.But it also slightly exposed that you are an egocentric person, a little bit selfish.
Think about it, when we see something that is not "beautiful", we will have bad emotions, but when we see something beautiful, we will feel very refreshed. For example, if the weather is good, you will be in a good mood; if the weather is bad, you will be in a bad mood Depressing, huh?
This is only for natural scenery. We know that people will have corresponding emotional reactions while aesthetically pleasing.
The same is true for moral judgments. Moral judgments also have psychological effects, such as corresponding feelings. We will hate bad things, and we will sincerely appreciate good things.
That is to say, aesthetic and moral judgments will have corresponding psychological effects.
For humans, when a stranger looks sickly in front of you, in addition to the aesthetic (in this case, ugly) reason, there is another reason to annoy you, that is, his appearance affects your body. A hint that you are afraid of your own body being like his.But you have to deny that and be psychologically protective of yourself.So, it manifested itself in the way he was annoyed.
For loved ones, it means more.The appearance of your loved one makes you worry, and you don't want to be annoyed by this kind of worry. In order to make yourself feel better, you have a psychological urge to attack him for the appearance that annoys you.
In order to maximize the realism, we can also change it to another environment, such as in a room. At that moment, you are still stupid and lose interest, don’t you dare?
It's very simple, your psychological presupposition is: she is weak, she can be sexually assaulted by you like this, you imagine and act according to your own psychological presupposition with a lewd smile... But suddenly she changed her image, shocking You broke this psychological presupposition, and at that moment, you can no longer proceed with the relationship with her that you originally constructed psychologically!
From this principle, we can also see that when a person deals with you in a certain image and you are used to it psychologically, if he suddenly changes his image, you will be extremely uncomfortable.
Then, for a friend, you'd better treat him with the side that he is familiar with and has already agreed with. You must know that when two people can't be friends, they must first have this feeling in their hearts, that is, the other party has changed too much!
And for your game opponent or the person who wants to punish you, you must be good at breaking his psychological presupposition!
Question: Teacher, I recently discovered that women with a strong desire for control often have a cowardly boyfriend or husband, which certainly fits their personality.This kind of women is often extremely succumbed to the value order, snobbish and vain, but I wonder why they can't find a man with ability or family background, according to their values without considering personality factors, that kind of cowardice and incompetence The man really can't get into their eyes.Does this mean that when choosing a mate, it is more about personality that plays a leading role?
A: Probably the most preferred explanation is the principle of strength.A man with ability and background, no one likes a controlling woman unless they are beautiful.But the reality is that a woman who is as beautiful as a fairy has less desire to control, and even if she has the desire to control, she still plays big.And the women we see who have the desire to control are not for the sake of playing big, but precisely for the sense of security.
That is to say, with their grade, they can't find better ones. Although they want to find good ones and look down on useless ones, they can't.
And after finding it, he succumbed to the ranking of values, and still looked down on the worthless man in his bones, but knew that he was useless.At this time, controlling this man is out of revenge on the one hand (who told them to let them down and failed to satisfy their desire for value ranking), on the other hand, it is out of a sense of security, to gain the feeling that they can control the field involved , which is equivalent to a disguised compensation.
Q: I have observed such a phenomenon that families with strong mothers often have a strong daughter or a weak boy.Why?
Answer: You can also observe that in such a family, there is also a useless and cowardly father!
why?We can see that this strong mother is a loyal fan of social value ranking, and she will compare her husband with others, but the result is very disappointing. Based on psychological protection, she has always looked down on the wimpy and cowardly husband, and finally developed to marry her Husband suffered from the "sense of victimization", distrusting men from the bottom of his heart, seeing men as objects to be manipulated or defended, full of resentment all day long, and taking revenge on her husband for pleasure.
That’s all for her, and based on her gender, she projects her relationship with her husband onto her children, so she sees her daughter as one of her own, a hope to make up for her failure in life, and an ally to take revenge on men.Therefore, she made her daughter exactly like herself. It seems that only by being so strong can she not suffer from men in the future.
So I dare to conclude that this kind of shrew not only speaks ill of her husband in front of her daughter, but even instigates her daughter to speak ill of her father!
As for her son, because she is a man, she has forgotten that she is a mother, and regards her son as someone from his father, who is to be attacked, manipulated, and guarded against!
Question: Many people like to say, "I'm a little introverted" or "I'm a little extroverted".What does "introvert" and "extrovert" mean?
Answer: The so-called "introversion" and "extroversion" are not personality types. That is to say, an "introverted" person may have an inferiority complex personality or an aggressive personality, while an "extroverted" person may have a performance-type personality. , may also be a show-off personality.
Strictly speaking, it is not a personality tendency. "Introversion" and "extroversion" do not reflect a person's personality traits, but a person's psychological relationship with the world, which is a psychological tendency of him! "Introversion" means that he is afraid of exposing himself, because he cannot psychologically control the consequences of self-exposure.And "extroversion" means that if he doesn't show himself, he won't experience his existence!
Question: What is the psychology of calling yourself a "diaosi"?
Answer: Think about it, when the "poor man" is involved with you, the only situation in which you will not get hurt is when you call yourself a "pauper", right?Because although these three words humiliate you, you have attacked yourself first, and have a deterrent effect on others. In contrast, other people's humiliation of you (calling you a "pauper") has no power.
But it's done through a kind of mild psychopathy, what I used to call "psychically self-harming".
The self-proclaimed "silk" is a kind of self-deprecation, which contains a little bit of this meaning, but it is not the main thing. It also has two other important elements: banter and fashion.
Let me talk about banter first.If we take a lot of things seriously, isn't it easy to get hurt?What it means to be serious is that you are really invested emotionally, intellectually, and yourself.And not serious?It won't hurt.Because the more we gamify the actual state of life, the farther we seem to be from the real self psychologically, and the self is hard to be hit.So now many people tend to think that this world is not worth taking seriously, which is a kind of psychological protection.
This is how "Diaosi" came out, and it was a kind of joke.
Let alone fashion.A kind of thing, no matter it is high-end or low-end, as long as it has something to do with fashion, the ranking of value is not the lowest, so whether you call yourself a "diaosi" or others call yourself a "diaosi", although it is derogatory, it is not considered the lowest. humiliation.
Another interesting point is that "Diaosi" has erased the irritating words "poor" and "rich", so it no longer corresponds to the real class antagonism, but has become a kind of carnival.When everyone is carnival, if a person is a philistine with a little money, and scolds "si" with the tone and expression of scolding "pauper", don't you feel that you are a local nouveau riche?
Question: Why do you say "poor", "short" and "ugly" alone, which has the ability to shock a person psychologically, but when you put the three words together to make "poor, short and ugly", it feels fun and doesn't hurt much Are you capable?Similar to "envy, jealousy and hate".Why?
Answer: Combining the three words "poor, short and ugly" constitutes an inappropriate exaggeration, which achieves a fashionable and self-deprecating effect, and weakens the psychological impact of a single word on people.
The same is true for "envy, envy and hate".When I say to you "I envy you so much", "I'm so jealous of you", "I hate you so much", it means that in front of you, I am at a disadvantage psychologically and morally, right?
So, if I do envy you, envy you, hate you, I may not dare to say it publicly.
However, when I linked them together to become "envy, jealousy and hate", they became fashionable and joking, and gave me protection, and became a cover for me to legally express my displeasure with you, while You won't get hurt either.Because you and I agree on the rules of the stylish, playful game.Even more so if I am playing with a lewd image as I speak.
A person can legally attack another person in a joking manner, and the other person cannot be angry. The principle is similar to this, that is, under the rules of the game, certain words cannot be taken seriously.
问：为什么我看到一个五六十岁老太太身材不错，打扮时尚，但脸上实在已经太老（比如晚上在广场上跳舞的那些），就觉得很厌恶？
Answer: Yes.那你看到的老太太如果身材臃肿、打扮得很普通，你一定没有任何感觉！
知道为什么吧？我来给你解密。
弗洛伊德有一个理论，就是用“性”来解释很多人的心理，这当然太夸张了，但也只是夸张，并不全错。
你不是高僧，也不是柳下惠，所以，当你看到一个身材不错、衣着时尚的女人时，无意识地，你想要干什么？我想，你懂的。
但当你的心理能量被刺激出来时，出现在你面前的，是一张非常老的脸！可怕吧？
身材、衣着时尚和脸的这种强烈反差，一定会让你突然泄气！而当一个男人的某种生理-心理能量被激起来的时候，他最恨的就是被打断！这一点，你也懂。
那么，剩下的事情就清楚了，你喜欢对年轻而身材不错的女人YY，为了在生理-心理上保护自己，就不愿意有这种事情发生，即一个人身材好、衣着时尚却有一张苍老的脸！因为她会威胁到你，所以你预先采取了心理保护策略，先厌恶她！所以你一看到这样的老太太，就条件反射般地厌恶起来了。
当然，人家老太太爱穿什么是她的自由，你这种心理是很阴暗的，要接受社会主义思想道德教育。
我相信，假如有这种事情发生的话，你不仅是厌恶，而且甚至是怨恨，有被耍的感觉：你正对一个衣着时尚、身材不错的女人YY，她一回头，居然是个老太太！
而你对身材臃肿、衣着普通的老太太之所以没有任何感觉，是因为你完全不用在心理上防御她。
我想，从你这件事中，你一定明白了一个道理：我们也许和一个人从来没有什么关系，但是，我们的存在本身，使他偏要和我们发生心理上的关系；然后，他在心理上经历着我们不知道的事情，恨我们或喜欢上我们。
问：为什么我帮了别人，得不到一句“谢谢”就很不舒服？但过后，看到有人需要帮忙，又去帮。
答：那是因为，当你开口对别人说话，对别人做出某种行为的时候，已经在心理上预设了别人应该如何回应你。
比如，当你友好地和一个人打招呼，在心理上已经预设了他应该对你报以“你好”之类用语，而不是当你不存在。
同样，你在帮别人的时候，心理上也预设了应该得到一句“谢谢”，而不是觉得理所当然。
别人不报以一句“谢谢”，就相当于打破你的心理预设了，显得你一厢情愿，你的自我暴露在了他面前，像一个傻子一样，而别人可以随时嘲弄。这种情况威胁到了你的心理生存，所以你很不舒服，甚至有隐隐的怨恨。
这些不懂得“谢谢”，可以说没有什么教养的人是很讨人恨的。他们不明白别人帮他一次，是冒着一些风险，包括心理上的风险的，他至少有道德义务来解除别人这种心理上的风险。
想一下，我们为什么会有这样的心理预设呢？
有两点：当我们对外界说什么、做什么时，相当于，已经向外界敞开我们的自我了，把它押了上去；同时，我们所说的话、所做的行为，如果不带来效果，类似于一拳打向虚空一样，会有一种挫败感。所以，它们在发生时，需要同时得到心理上的保护，所以在心理上预设了应该得到什么回应。
一个不懂礼貌的人，其实也是一个不懂人类心理的人，反过来也大致如此。
问：我入职场两年，女的。有一个和我关系一般的朋友，因为我做事讲究原则，对我表示很失望。估计她不再愿意和我来往。我想了一下，自己并没有做错什么。但是不是我的为人真有问题呢？求解答！
答：我估计有你这类困惑的人不少。所以，先让我们看一个心理规律：心理契约。
当一个熟人因为痛苦而向我们倾诉时，他在心理上已经预设了，我们会倾听，值得他信任。
但不仅如此，他实际上还和我们签订了一个心理契约，希望我们能够安慰他、替他保密。
如果我们一脸不以为然，表现得很不屑，或者背后把他的痛苦当笑话说，那就相当于一脸无赖相地对他说：“你太傻了，你看我像可以让你信任的人吗？我反而会耍弄你的痛苦！我可恶吧？哈哈！”
这是对他单方面签订的心理契约的无耻违反。结果，只能是招人恨！
有些心理契约是很明显的，比如，当领导对你说“好好干，我看好你”。他就是在公开地、单方面地和你签订一个心理契约！
如果你的回答是“嗯”或“谢谢领导，我一定好好干”，那你就相当于明白了他的意思，在这个心理契约上签字了。如果以后你的表现不行，那就等于违约，你知道后果是什么。
但很多心理契约并不明显，要细心捕捉。
一个人为什么喜欢单方面和别人签订心理契约呢？想一想法律上的合同的功能，是用来确定A人和B人之间的权利义务关系对不对？心理契约，其实就是一个人在心理上，单方面地确定他和别人的权利义务关系。
这么干，就是一种隐秘的心理保护：A觉得B的存在对他有心理上的意义，甚至比较重要，那么，A害怕B的表现不符合他的希望、期待，从而打击他的心理结构，所以，预先采取了一个心理保护的策略——就是把“你应该符合我的期望，当然啦，我也会以赞扬、信任，甚至帮助回报你的”这一权利义务关系在心理上固定下来，变成合同条款，一旦B违反了，A就有理由豁免自己的责任（本来就是他想要别人怎么样的），而是B的错。他在进行心理保护时，无论是对B埋怨、攻击，还是疏远，都占据了道德优势、心理优势。
你的那个所谓朋友，其实就和你单方面签订了一个心理契约，希望你的表现符合她的期待。但你显然不符合，于是，她表示失望了。
心理契约是A在心理上单方面地希望、期待、要求B如何，在有些情况下，这是无可厚非的，因为B确实应该做到A所希望、期待、要求的。比如，父母虽然没有给我们说，但确实希望我们抽空回去看他们，如果我们不回去，他们会很失落。这种心理契约并没有什么错，因为履行契约是我们的道德义务。
但是，像你这类情况，你对那个所谓的朋友没有什么道德义务要符合她的期待。
我们为什么要去迎合别人？除非他对我们在心理上和利益上都很重要。
我建议你根本无须再理她。因为，她并不尊重你，她在心理上预设了，你只是满足她的价值观、利益立场、趣味、心理需求等的工具。在她的心里，只有你是否让她“失望”的概念，没有你的位置。
我想说，如果一个人真正尊重你，拿你当朋友看，关心你或可以帮你，那么，即使你让他失望，他也不会马上就直接对你说！
我们要做的，只是在这类人开始失望的时候，马上就意识到这一点，并进行补救，避免他对我们绝望。
问：我是女的，20岁。我发现很多人说的话都是不算数的，即使是在他好像很真诚的时候也一样！
Answer: Yes.但可能有几种情况，一种是随便说说，应付应付，一种是故意欺骗。这两种情况，一个人都明白他在做什么。但还有另一种情况，他不一定明白。
看过下面这个故事，你就知道了。
曾经有几个“官二代”到井冈山接受革命传统教育，感受革命先辈们为了人民的幸福和解放而流血牺牲的崇高精神。听着革命先辈们的事迹，有的“官二代”掉下了眼泪，在谈心得体会时，有人甚至表示，回去不再贪了。
这是不是太假、太会演戏了？
但我可以保证，这些“官二代”说“回去后就不再贪了”，在当时是真的，和他们在会上做廉政报告不是一回事，他们在心理上确实体验到了革命先辈们崇高精神的召唤，心灵受到了洗涤。但是，我也可以保证，他们回去后，只要机会许可，照贪不误。
why?原因很简单，他们进入了一个“剧场”，这个剧场的情境，是用革命先辈们的崇高精神营造出来的。 “官二代”在心理上体验到了这一情境，使自己的心理结构与这一“剧场”对应，所以，他们为人民服务的崇高精神被召唤出来，他们的贪污有了巨大的道德压力，而流泪、表示不再贪污，正是心理上的真实表现。所以真不是故意，而是在那个“剧场”中，投入地扮演一个真实的角色。
然而，千万别忘记了，这种心理只是“剧场心理”。回去后，这个“剧场”消失了，变成了另一个“剧场”——更大的、更真实的“剧场”，他们又会拥有另外的“剧场心理”，扮演另一个真实的角色，或虚假地扮演一个廉洁的角色。
这个故事告诉我们：当一个人说话，受到了某种激情、爱心氛围、道德压力的影响，是当不得真的。
因为，他在当时，只是根据心理所体验到的东西来演出。那是一个真实的演员在说话，不是他本人在说。换了另一个情境，这些话他就忘得一干二净了。
问：现在“公知”（公共知识分子）和“五毛”（网络评论员）在微博上打来打去的，很热闹，你如何评价这两种人？
答：在涉及心理的时候，我只搞技术分析，不想评价谁好谁坏。而涉及政治经济的时候，我只关心问题。所以我对这两种人保持沉默。
但我可以告诉你一个秘密：“国家”“民族”之类东西，对于一个人来说，在心理上实际上是一个“母体”，说得形象一点就相当于是“母亲”。你生活在哪个国家、民族里，你对它不可能没有“感情”和“态度”，即是反对呢，还是认同、维护。
it is good.假设有两种人，相互之间在“国家”“民族”这类概念的背景下攻击性很强，彼此充满恨意，一个是骂，一个是维护，那么，在心理上就可以说：
前者恐惧于和一个“坏母亲”认同，因此把自己给卖了，并攻击“坏母亲”，理想化别人的“母亲”，就相当于是自己的“母亲”一样。
后者呢？是恐惧于得不到爱，而要把自己给卖了，认同一个“坏母亲”，把她认为是“好母亲”。
问：我经常做很多一厢情愿的事情，最后搞得很尴尬和受伤，为什么会这样？怎么避免？
答：你在很多时候沦为心理动物了，经常玩“移情”大法。
什么是移情？很简单，就是一个人把对某人或外物的情绪、情感、理念、观点、态度、信仰等东西转投到另一人或另一物身上，由此让被投注的此人或此物，取代原先的彼人或彼物。
它的路径是：由A出发，投向B。
比如，你失恋了，有一个男人来关心你，突然你爱上了这个男的。
不奇怪吧？你不一定是真爱上了他。真相可能是：原来的那个男人离开你，让你痛苦，但这个男的，填补了原来那个男人在你心中的位置。他是对你的伤的一种治疗。
问：常听人说“我的直觉告诉我……”他的直觉能告诉他什么？
答：这个问题挺有意思。我认为心理分析的一个崇高境界就是形成直觉能力，一眼就看穿，马上就直觉到。干了蠢事才后悔，有时候已经来不及了。
有四种常见的直觉。
第一种是具有逻辑必然性的。
非常之准，至少可以达到99.99%。这是长期的分析训练的结果。原理很简单，比如要得出结论P，我们首先经过了一系列的推理：因为A，推出B，推出C……推出P。但如果经常这样做，只要出现A，所有的推论过程都省略了，我们直接一眼就可以看到或判断出P！
放在对人心的破译上也是一样，我们之所以一眼就可以看到一个人语言、行为背后的心理秘密，正是用多了心理分析方法，具有了洞察能力的结果！
第二种，是经验上的。
经验上的直觉是很多人经常有的，比如以前我们经历过A事情，它具有特征a，经历过B事情，也具有特征a，经历过C事情，也具有特征a……然后，某一天，当我们经历P事情时，我们马上就直觉到会有a！
就是说，我们的经验多了，当只要再出现某件事，和过去的经验有点相似，我们的经验就可以用上，马上就形成直觉。
这种直觉有时候是准的，但有时候却不一定，它只属于“碰运气”，不具有逻辑必然性。原因就很简单了，因为A事情、B事情……一直到P事情，只是有点相似，但并不是同一件事情，也就是说，在逻辑上只是相似，不是等同，所以，虽然A事情、B事情都有特征a，但P事情真不一定有特征a。我们因为经验，以为现在出现的一件事情，也像过去一样，那就有可能犯错误。这就是经验虽然有些可靠，但并不保险的地方。
一个聪明人，依靠的并不仅仅是经验。毕竟，就算你碰得头破血流，总结出了什么经验，你的人生也可能付出了惨重代价，甚至无法东山再起。而即使如此，你的经验可能也是靠不住的，一个靠不住的经验，有时候会让我们吃大亏。
所以，我们需要这种直觉，但不能主要依赖于它，因为有些亏我们吃不起，也没那么长的时间去耗。我强烈推荐第一种直觉，虽然要达到它并不是那么容易。
我们常用的直觉，其实就是第一种和第二种。
第三种，就是生命的自我保存本能的直觉。
在电影、电视、书以及现实生活中，我们经常看到有这样的情境：当一个人在月黑风高之夜，走在一个黑暗的地方时，他会感觉到有危险正向他逼近，似乎四周埋伏无数准备对他下手的人，于是马上做出防御性的反应；或者，当一个人和朋友坐在酒馆里喝酒时，外面突然进来了几个大汉，他“下意识”地感觉到了危险。像这些情况的直觉，就是生命保存本能的直觉。
有什么神秘吗？No.它或者仍然来自于经验，类似的危险情境重新出现了，激活了他心理上的防御；或者，他从情境、人的表情等读到了危险。
第四种直觉，属于“心灵感应”。
说得好像和“第六感”有点类似，但又不全是一回事。所谓“第六感”，指的是在听觉、视觉、嗅觉、触觉、味觉之外还有一个所谓具有超强能力的“心觉”。而无论是我们所说的“心灵感应”还是“第六感”，都确实神秘。据说日本忍者喜欢练“第六感”，具体效果如何，能不能预知未来我没有考证过，不得而知。
对“心灵感应”的经典描述是这样：某一天，A在北京正上班时，突然之间什么都做不下，心里面非常烦闷、担心，预感到在家乡的亲人出事了，比如母亲死了。没过多久，他兄弟打电话过来，说母亲死了，你赶快请假回家吧。
有这样的事情发生吗？我不知道，反正江湖上流传着这种“心灵感应”的传说。
确实挺神秘的：两个相隔遥远的亲人，没有任何信息联系，其中一个出事了，另一个却能在同一段时间“感应”到。难道是因为两个亲人之间，由于存在情感上的强烈联系，于是，当其中一个出事时，冥冥之中便发出了一个信息，隐身于黑暗之中，迅速传达到另一个亲人那儿，而他并没有意识到，引起了心理反应？或者，由于在此之前，A一直担心母亲，心里面害怕，但也知道可能会有事，在他这种担心加重，预感到母亲去世时，母亲真的去世了，出现了巧合？
解释这一点，超出了我的能力。也许情况是，我们愿意把一些原本就属于巧合的事情弄得神秘兮兮，也许确实有很多东西我们现在还不知道。
假如存在这个“心灵感应”的话，我想，搞清它、解释它，应该是心理学、生理学、物理学的共同任务。当然，它也可以是“灵修大师”们的任务。
专家们有的忙了。
please!
问：我搞不懂，为什么一些没什么名气的人做了很多有良知的事，付出了巨大代价，没人去关注他们。但一些名人不痛不痒、表演性极强地批评了一下政府，在网络上立刻就被很多人吹捧成“良知”的化身，搞得很伟大一样。
答：如果你知道，当一些“脑残粉”吹捧名人的“良知”，这种“正义感”背后是屈服于社会价值排序的奴性时，你就懂了。
为什么普通人虽然再有良知，也不会被大众关注呢？这是因为，他激不起大众的自卑，他的身份没有什么价值属性，可以让大众在心理上寄生在他那儿。骨子里，大众关注他会觉得掉价。
所谓的“良知”，不过是大众在奴性驱使下，崇拜名人时找的一个有助于自我欺骗的借口！
在这个世界上，如果有些人无法自我欺骗，他是生活不下去的。这些人，用法国智者拉罗什福科的话说，就是：“被敌人欺骗和被朋友出卖总难以释怀，被自己欺骗、被自己出卖却欣然受之！”
当然，如果一个普通人，在维权时付出了很大代价，而且被媒体聚焦，要凑热闹表现自己的“正义感”，大众也会关注他并佩服他。但是，千万记住，他一定不会像那些所谓有“良知”的名人那样被崇拜。大众佩服他，仅仅是他的行为，激起了他们的道德焦虑而已！
问：我是个女的，总是受公司一位女上司的排挤、打击，但我没得罪她呀。为什么有“女强人”风味的女人，总是看漂亮、温柔的女人不顺眼？
答：在回答你这个问题之前，先想另一个问题，一个有“女强人”风味的女人，最鄙视的男人是那些做事犹豫不决、唯唯诺诺、庸俗浅薄、缺乏远大抱负、具有“女性气质”的男人对不对？
why?因为一个具有“女强人”风味的女人，在原来做女人时，有不安全感，无价值感，她受够了，于是，在心理上想要变得像男人一样。而这类具有“女性气质”的男人，在心理上正像她一直在逃离和鄙视的那个“自我”！
但是，一个具有“女强人”风味的女人，骨子里其实还是希望找一个能降服她的男人来依靠的。但，由于比较强势，所以有难度。
问题清楚了，人家付出了那么大的心理代价，想做小女人一直没有机会，而你居然不劳而获，轻轻松松就做成“小女人”了，这公平吗？人家不嫉恨你嫉恨谁啊，找谁发泄啊？
我对男人建议，在一个具有“女强人”风味的女人面前，你可以什么都没有，但绝不可没有气势。
对你，我的建议是，请学会做一个有头脑、内心强大、工作能力强、做事干净利落的女人，就算是装，也要装出来！
问：穷人恨富人我知道是为什么，但富人为什么也那么恨穷人呢？
答：那是因为理解时要拐一个弯，富人对穷人的恨是由负罪感和害怕转化而来的。
假定一个人A剥夺、欺压另一个人B，那么，A在心理上，一定有这样的后果：有负罪感——因为这样做在道德上是错误的；有恐惧感——因为他知道B会恨他，说不定哪天就起来干掉他。
这对于A的心理和利益都是一大威胁。他必须在心理上保护自己，办法就是去恨B。而且，越有负罪感、恐惧感，恨B越恨得入骨。
所以，如果你发现，在一个社会里，富人对穷人充满了恨，那一定说明，这个社会是多么的不公正，富人的很多钱挣得并不干净。
答：因为你只是“知道”而已，并没有在心里“明白”。
一种道理，要让我们得到改变，有两条道路。
一条是通过对我们情绪的释放。
某个道理，从智力结构的表层，携带巨大的心理能量，进入了我们的心理结构，在那里长期驻扎了下来，而它所携带的心理能量，把我们的心理结构改变了，就是说，我们被这个道理改变了。
比如，某个人经过人生的重大挫折，在一个阴雨绵绵的下午，走在大街上，看着街上行色匆匆的人群，突然顿悟出“别人关心的，只是你的成功，而不是你，因为你的成功对他们在心理上很重要，而你是谁对他们来说毫无意义”之类的道理。这个时候，他内心的激动难以形容，甚至会有脱胎换骨的喜悦。
同样，一个高僧在“开悟”的时候，也伴随着心里的狂喜体验。
如果一个人心里非常淡然、平静，也就是说，他的心理结构根本就没有动作，就想把头脑里关于一个道理的认知，转变成他存在的一部分，让他得到改变，就做梦吧！
另一条道路，就是掌握认知道理、运用道理的方法。
经过打击或挫折，我们或许会真正懂得某个道理，被它所改变，但如果要付出痛苦、挫折、失败这类的高昂学费，对“苦难是人生的财富”“逆境是人生的老师”念念有词，这未免也太残酷了点。
而且，“吃一堑长一智”，主意听上去不错，但为什么要预设一个人只能用吃苦头去换认识，而不是用理论、方法来举一反三呢？
我想说的是，一个人如果对某种认知道理、运用道理的方法能够运用自如，那么，方法就对他的头脑和心理进行了武装。
存在主义的大佬萨特说：存在先于本质。你的“本质”，是通