Chapter 38 7.Don't be a wild man in a suit

I saw a program on TV that discussed whether to beat children.When the "main faction" and the "anti-action faction" were debating, I think it is a shameful thing to put this topic here for discussion-it is like discussing whether to have monogamy or whether women should have sex a hundred years ago. Like bound feet - since it can become a topic of debate with different opinions, it shows that the current society is still full of numbness and tolerance for the vulgarity of "beating children". Human civilization has been passed down to this day, and agriculture will not return to slash-and-burn farming, military affairs will not return to bows and arrows, medicine will not return to witchcraft, and only family education will return to barbarism at every turn.Children living in different families at the same time, because of their parents' different views on education, have huge differences in their educational ecological environment from primitive to civilized.

Hitting a child is a bad habit and a vice.An adult who subjugates children by force, no matter how rich his wealth, how prominent his position is, how profound his knowledge is, or how well-founded his reasons are for beating others, is a manifestation of lack of wisdom.At this moment, you thought you were strong and righteous, but in fact you lacked reason and bullied the weak; you lost your mind in front of weak children, and you could only find balance for yourself physically—violence in the name of love, at this moment you Behaving so brutishly, he's just a wild man in a suit. People say that children nowadays are spoiled and spoiled, and they think that children are soaked in honey all day long. In fact, domestic violence is very serious in children's education in our country. In 2007, two professors from China University of Political Science and Law conducted a survey on the phenomenon of "family corporal punishment of children". The results showed that nearly two-thirds of children had suffered domestic violence.Among the 498 college students surveyed, 54% admitted that they had experienced corporal punishment from their parents in primary and secondary schools, and 88% of them were corporal punishment.

In front of the weak, it can best reveal a person's true temperament.Many people, who are modest and well-bred in the workplace and among friends, only unconsciously show their roughness in front of their dearest children. There is a couple, both from my hometown, who both work in well-known companies in Beijing and are real "white-collar workers".Our two children are about the same age.What they have never been able to accept is why their son is so ineffective.When we were together, they always lamented that their children had poor grades, poor self-discipline, bad temper, envied me for having a good daughter, and said their lives were bad.I know that they often beat and scold their children recklessly, and always advise them not to treat their children like that, and tell them that their children are not satisfied by lottery tickets, but by education.They are always very disapproving, thinking that I don't have back pain when I stand and talk.

Once, I talked with a fellow woman about the children when they were young. She said that her son was disobedient since he was a child.She said angrily: "I don't know how many times I have hit him just because of this incident!" Since it is "I don't know how many times I have hit him", it means that this problem has never been resolved.Although the child has suffered a lot because of this problem, he has never acquired a correct concept, has not formed rationality, and has never found a way out between submission and resistance, and the child is confused. The problems that cannot be solved repeatedly in children must be caused by the way of parental education.Beating and scolding is the most commonly used and most handy method for parents, but it is also the most ineffective and destructive one.

Every child has a "disobedient" time.I believe that every child's "disobedience" does not need to be solved by beating and scolding. I have also encountered children asking for things indiscriminately in stores.I remember when Yuanyuan was three or four years old, once she and I went to the supermarket and she wanted to buy a drink with a lot of coloring added.It may be that she saw other children drinking this, which I firmly object to.I definitely told her that this cannot be bought, it is unhygienic, and she should not drink this at any time.She was very angry about this at the time, refused to leave the place, and finally just lay down and cried.

I'm not angry, just like watching her play with the sand, I just waited for her as if nothing had happened.While waiting, I also looked at other products and talked to the salesperson.She found that I was not angry and didn't care about her temper, so she cried even harder. The ground was cold and dirty, her clothes were all stained, and people passing by were all looking at her.I was calm and just not in a hurry. When she couldn't cry anymore, I knelt down and asked her in a negotiating tone, shall we go?When she saw me coming to take care of her, she started crying again, so I stood up as if nothing happened, and walked around and waited in front of her.

After several rounds like this, she lost her energy, so I squatted down and asked her with a smile, are you all right, can I go?She realized that this would be the end of the trouble, and stood up obediently.I took her little hand, just like before the incident happened, and walked away happily. I didn't even say a word of criticism, and I didn't reason with her again, because the reasoning has already been said just now.Yuanyuan never mentioned drinking that kind of drink again.Moreover, she stopped insisting on anything that I said with certainty that I would not buy it, and she was very obedient.

How simple it is to deal with children, there is no need for children to beat and scold them.Every small conflict is a learning opportunity for him. Parents solve a small conflict patiently and sincerely, and also solve a series of problems after that. Beating and scolding is the worst way in education. I never believe that those who claim that "you can't become a talent without beating" and "a filial son can be born under a stick" really have such a kind of honesty in belief.This barbaric education method actually has no "educational" elements at all, it just makes parents vent their anger.

Later, another time, the male fellow of the family inadvertently mentioned that he recently beat up his son who was in junior high school because he lost the imported mountain bike he had just bought for more than 1,000 yuan, and he had only been riding it for a month. Alas, is this also a reason to beat a child?At this time, I thought that the lens of the video camera I just bought for 7,000 yuan was accidentally broken by Yuanyuan, and it would cost 2,000 yuan to replace it, and I didn’t say a word to her.Didn't even say a reminder like "be careful in the future".The moment it broke, the child could see how sad I was and how sad she was, and that was enough.Is it because I didn't give her a warning and reminder, so she doesn't know how to be careful in the future?Parents stop talking nonsense, and children will take your useful words seriously.

Children make troubles unintentionally, why can't we forgive children for mistakes made unintentionally or helplessly?Moreover, when the child got into trouble, he himself felt very painful and felt guilty.The beating and scolding by his parents just made him lose his self-esteem. He felt that the adults loved the lost money and things more. He felt that the adults didn’t understand him, and he felt rebellious in his heart, and at the same time he lost his sense of guilt. Son, how could he not become more and more disobedient, more and more indifferent to everything? I jokingly asked this fellow, last time you lost your mobile phone, it seems to be quite expensive, did your wife beat you when you got home?He knew that I was talking about the beating of his son, so he smiled and said: How can you put me and my son together to talk about things, he is a child, and I am an adult.Hitting him is to make him remember things, and it is for his own good—there is a lot of logic in this kind of gangster in family education. Beating a child is said to be "for the child's good", while spouting anger is said to be "educating the child".If you hit someone, you still call it "love", and let the person who was beaten appreciate it-is there such an unreasonable thing in the world?

In the face of a minor, the greatest civilization of an adult is to stand from the perspective of a child, try to understand what he thinks and does, and guide his growth in a way he is willing to accept.You have to treat him as a "person" as an equal, not as a "weak person" to conquer. Of course, parents are not saints, and they often have emotional ups and downs due to their children's problems.But we must not be willful, we must learn to control our emotions in front of our children, spoil our children when we are not happy, and beat and scold them when we are unhappy.Parents should establish a belief: no matter how old the child is, at any time, for any reason, never beat or scold the child.Remember that what can be solved by beating and scolding can also be solved by friendly education. Beating and scolding children can also form a habit, once formed, it is not easy to change. A parent of a primary school student came to me for advice.She often beats children.She told me that every time she beat the child, she regretted it very much, but she had a bad temper, and she couldn't control it when the child made her angry.After I did some related counseling, I said a few words that were more irritating to her: You can think about it very honestly in your heart: When the leader of the unit makes you angry, will you scold him?Do you hit your siblings or co-workers when they upset you?In fact, when a person makes an action, he can often judge the result in an instant.If parents say that they can't hold back their temper in front of their children, it's because you already know in your heart that if you beat your child, it can relieve your anger, and he won't do anything to you.You are the authority and the master in front of your children, and you don't have to worry about the consequences of beating others, so you always "can't help it". The relationship between family members is the most profound interpersonal relationship in life. The things experienced in such a relationship, whether good or bad, will leave a lifelong impression and influence on children.I guess the parent above probably also suffered a lot of domestic violence in his childhood. If a child has been beaten and scolded since he was a child, although he himself is a victim of domestic violence education, he will probably treat his own child in the same way when he grows up, and he also does not consider the child's feelings.It's not that he doesn't love his children, it's that he doesn't know how to love, and lacks the ability to love.I often hear people say: I have a bad temper, and I inherited my parents' temper.It seems that this "temper" was brought from the mother's womb.In fact, "temper" does not come from the biological inheritance of blood, but from the psychological transmission of life experience. The educator Suhomlinski said, "Scream loudly, this is the basic feature of poor cultivation in people's mutual relations. Wherever there is loud scolding, there are rude behaviors and emotional indifference. Using loud scolding (in the family And the fist) brings up a child who loses the ability to feel the most delicate feelings of others, he cannot see or feel the beauty around him, he is very cold and merciless, sometimes in his behavior It is often the most terrible manifestation of human beings-cruelty." A female classmate of mine is excellent in work and interpersonal relationships, but she often beats and scolds her children at home.Once we chatted, when she talked about her father, she counted his father's faults.Her father beat her often when she was a child.She felt that none of her father's reasons for beating her back then was tenable, and she was full of contempt and even a sense of hatred for her father's behavior.Later we talked about her child, and she counted the child's disappointment and told a series of cases that the child should be beaten.When I suggested that her attitude towards the child was the result of her father's brutality, she flatly denied it.It is said that she is different from her father. Her father has no reason to beat her, but she has a reason to beat her son. Yes, when we were young, the main shortage at home was food, so children would be beaten if they burned the food.Kids these days would never get spanked for that, they might get spanked for bad exams or surfing the internet - but is that the difference?Both the female classmate and her father actually beat the child for the same reason, that is, the child made him unhappy.The "education method" they share with young children is fisting.From the perspective of parenting, they are actually very similar. Beating and scolding a child may solve a small problem in front of him, but it leaves a big hidden danger for the child's growth, and the scar will accompany the child for a lifetime.A child who is often beaten will suffer both physically and mentally.What he felt from his parents was humiliation, what he experienced was inferiority, what he learned was rudeness, and what he aroused was rebellion.Just like a person will get goose bumps when he is cold, he will involuntarily undergo a series of psychological and physical changes. Dr. Montessori said: "Every defect of character is caused by some kind of wrong treatment experienced by the child in early life." The way of beating and scolding can never make the child grow up healthily, it can only distort his psychology.A mentally handicapped person is far worse than a physically handicapped person, and it is more terrifying. In 2008, Austria exposed an event that shamed the whole country and shocked the whole world. A father named Joseph imprisoned his daughter in the basement for 24 years and sexually persecuted her, resulting in the birth of 7 children. children.And he abused his old mother, locked her in the attic, and often made her suffer from hunger and cold until she died.Why do such "super savages" still exist in contemporary society?Some reports unearthed by the media should be able to explain the problem: Joseph often suffered violence and abuse from his mother when he was a child. This is an extreme example, which is a typical illustration of what kind of evil consequences deformed family education can bring to a person. Children who grow up in a strict family environment will become inferior, introverted, lack of interpersonal communication skills, lack of self-reflection and self-management skills, bad temper, and even depraved.There are also physiological reactions, such as vomiting, diarrhea, gastrointestinal disorders, and insomnia. Every experience in childhood can leave traces in life. There are no "little things" for a child, and every little thing is a big thing that profoundly affects his growth.Every little thing is the first handful of snow in the palm of the hand, which may roll into a huge snowball and have a huge impact on the future. At the same time, as a metaphor says, a butterfly in South America flaps its wings, Could cause a tornado in North America. Of course, there are some examples in real life that support the view that "you can't become a talent without fighting". In 2005, I saw a report on the Internet that a 13-year-old girl in Shenyang won the championship in an international youth piano competition, and this success was actually achieved by her father who slapped her daughter 400 times in three years.This seems to be a typical example of "If you don't slap, you can't become a talent". I don't know how many parents believe that slapping can promote children to "become a talent". However, what kind of person will a child, especially a girl, who will be slapped on the average every two or three days grow up to be?The marks on the skin from the slap will soon disappear, but can the psychological trauma fade away?When a girl grows up, she will not only be a "piano player", but also a person with many roles.As more characters, what kind of appearance will she show?If this case is representative, it does not represent a successful education, but only a dangerous practice under abnormal values.It is using a single achievement to bet on the soundness of the child's personality and the happiness of his life. I once saw a mother who said triumphantly: "The child has to be beaten. My child, as long as he is beaten or scolded, he will be obedient immediately."It can be concluded that the mother can only enjoy this satisfaction when the child is still a minor, when she focuses on an isolated incident, and when she has no concern for the child's well-being.Her elation is not real, nor will it last. I also know a girl who is beautiful, excellent in studies, strong in work, and seems to have a lively and cheerful personality.There seemed to be no flaws in her.She just has poor gastrointestinal function all the time. When she was 20 years old and went to college, she had an acute gastric perforation, which almost killed her. One-third of her stomach was cut off.It has long been found in medicine that chronic gastrointestinal diseases are related to people's negative emotions and stress.From her illness and some personality traits occasionally revealed, I estimate that she must have suffered tremendous psychological pressure and trauma in her childhood life.Sure enough, we chatted casually once later, and she said that her mother beat her very hard since she was a child.For example, once she went to her mother's unit to get the house key after school, and forgot to say goodbye to the aunt in the office when she left.For such a small matter, her mother came back from overtime work in the middle of the night, pulled her out of the quilt, and beat her up.She said that she was sleeping soundly at the time and was beaten suddenly without knowing why, and similar things happened many times. She may be trying to save her mother's face, saying that she doesn't blame her at all, and even saying that it is because of her mother's strict requirements that she is what she is today.I found that she always eats all kinds of snacks without restraint, especially stimulating food.Not long after the gastrectomy, he overeat regardless of the doctor's advice, and suffered stomach bleeding again. He could not eat for a long time, and when he got better, he started to eat uncontrollably again.I advised her to eat less snacks. She said that she was often in a bad mood, and eating snacks could relieve her psychological pressure, so she didn't care about so much—this strong girl really took all the pain by herself, and snacks became her all-time favorite. Mental Pain Relief Tablets.I don't know if her mother can still be proud when she thinks of the girl's physical and mental health after knowing the causal relationship between these things? Many people swear that children should be spanked on the grounds that they themselves were spanked and grew up well.In various materials, from time to time, some successful people can see how he became sensible because of being beaten.I don't doubt the authenticity of their beatings and the authenticity of their success, but I definitely don't think there is a causal relationship between the two. Some people do change a lot after being beaten, but the internal driving force for the change is not the beating itself, but other things that have been accumulated for a long time and are relatively complete. Keeping a person alert is also valuable on this "once in a while". If it is regular, is it still useful? I read a piece of news before. A child has been unable to speak since he was born, but his ears are good. One day the child accidentally fell into a dry well and shouted "Help", and he will be able to speak from then on. It needs to be realized under some conditions.Saying that beating and scolding can make a person become a talent is like saying that pushing a person into a well can cure deafness-this is not true, it is random attribution. Violent education can make children obedient, but not smart and sensible; it can make them obedient, but not self-conscious and motivated-violent education can get some temporary and superficial effects, but It comes at the price of the overall degradation and depression of the child.Promoting children's academic progress through beating and scolding can only make children disgusted with their studies; using beating and scolding to make children obedient will only become more rebellious and stubborn; using beating and scolding to make children a good person will only make children blame Under the psychological distortion metamorphosis. When people dig out a person's success or failure, they are used to starting from a grand perspective and background.In fact, the reason why children who grow up under the same cultural form and public education concept have huge differences in morality, personality and ability after they grow up is that their most important living place - family, the first place in life. One enlightenment person - the parent's parenting attitude is different. It is true to attribute a person's virtue to his personal intentions and social upbringing, but don't forget to hang a medal on the person who raised him since he was a child. In contrast, some villains, especially some criminals, have no reason for their parents to feel sympathy.Although their parents subjectively have no malice to lead their children astray, even a villain wants his child to be a good person.But their rough parenting style distorts the child's heart, and their own words and deeds teach the child how to treat others badly. If some people's crimes are only attributed to the society, the times or specifically to the school, it is a plank in the air, and it is impossible to find the root of the problem, and it cannot touch the parents to reflect on their own behavior.From the point of view of the succession and continuity of personality growth, the parents of every criminal should confess to their children, society and mankind. Don't love your child because he is obedient, don't appreciate him because he has achieved a certain result, and don't beat and scold him because he fails our hearts.Parental love should be unconditional, and respect for children should also be unconditional. We can see from the book and the people around us that the parents of excellent children are generally very democratic, and they can always discuss and solve problems with their children calmly, and they are very particular about methods—the most basic attitude is respect Children, appreciate children.Even if the child makes a mistake, it is just a matter of discussion, never involving other things, and of course it is impossible to beat or scold.The result they have achieved is that their children seem to be so sensible that they don't need to worry about it at all. Makarenko, an outstanding educator in the former Soviet Union, said: "The family life system has been developed reasonably at the beginning, and punishment is no longer necessary. In a good family, there will never be punishment. This is the most correct family education. path of." Some European and American countries strictly prohibit beating children by law.The reason why beating children is still relatively common in our country is that, firstly, it is influenced by the traditional concept that it is only right for Lao Tzu to beat his son; another is the lack of legal restrictions. At present, our country has some laws and regulations for the protection of children and adolescents, but they are all rough concepts and do not have realistic binding force.Beating children has always been regarded as a family matter, and no one else needs to interfere; as long as children are not maimed and killed, they will not rise to the legal level for resolution.The whole society generally ignores the mental damage of minors, and few people think that parents beating and scolding children is child abuse.Behind the mask of "hitting is kissing, scolding is love", only children can feel that it is ferocious and terrifying. The quality of parents is related to the quality of future citizens. The country should vigorously carry out parent education to improve the educational quality of parents. At the same time, legislation should be made as soon as possible to strictly prohibit beating and scolding children, and deprive unqualified parents of the right to monitor.For example, revoke the surveillance rights of parents who force their children to run away from home again and again, instead of arresting and educating their children again and again and sending them back home. You don't become a gentleman by wearing a suit, and you don't become a parent after you have a child.Being a parent requires learning, and learning how to love.Learning to love is a big proposition, and it needs to be learned slowly. The simplest first step is to stop beating and scolding children, and stop being a savage in a suit. ●Beating and scolding is the worst way in education. I never believe that those who claim that "you can't become a talent without beating" and "a filial son can be born under a stick" really have such a kind of honesty in belief.This barbaric education method actually has no "educational" elements at all, it just makes parents vent their anger. ●When the child got into trouble, he felt very painful and felt guilty; the beating and scolding by the parents just made him lose self-esteem, and he felt that the adults loved the lost money and things more. Rebellious emotions, and at the same time lose the sense of guilt - often "educating" the child in this way, how can he not become more and more disobedient, and more and more indifferent to everything? ●Facing a minor, the greatest civilization of an adult is to stand from the perspective of a child, try to understand what he thinks and does, and guide his growth in a way he is willing to accept.You have to treat him as a "person" as an equal, not as a "weak person" to conquer. ●Children who grow up in a strict family environment will become inferior, introverted, lack of interpersonal communication skills, lack of self-reflection and self-management skills, bad temper, and even depraved and so on.There are also physiological reactions, such as vomiting, diarrhea, gastrointestinal disorders, and insomnia.