Chapter 23 5.Four words more precious than gold
If I were to express my hope for my child's future, I hope she will have a good job in the future and be able to pursue a career she likes; I hope she will have good interpersonal relationships and have a few close friends who can talk to her throughout her life; I hope that She can get a good love and have a happy family life... My hope must be the same as other mothers, which mother doesn't think so!
The realization of these hopes is not by luck, it cannot be sent from the sky by God, it depends on man himself.Over the years, I have witnessed many people and their different lives, and I feel more and more that the saying "character is destiny" is almost true.Therefore, when I earnestly look forward to the happiness of my child's life, I am very concerned about her mental health.There are many elements of mental health. It is like a garden full of beautiful flowers and trees such as self-confidence, friendliness, honesty, and understanding. The soil they are rooted in is four words. Without these four words, the garden’s Many things cannot grow.So I thought, if I were to hang a paper motto in the hall of my daughter's life, to give her lifelong guidance and protection, what I would write down would be these four words: Seek truth from facts.These four words are so simple, as simple as air, and are often forgotten by people, but they are things that cannot be separated all the time in life.We can see these four words from almost all respectable people, and we can also feel their lack in this aspect from all people with personality defects.What could be more important to children than giving these four words—it’s not mysterious at all—the lack of these four words in life is like the lack of air in life.So, it's really more precious than gold.
It is very easy for us to tell our children to "seek truth from facts" in terms of ideas and words; the mistake we are also very easy to make is not seeking truth from facts in words and deeds.This kind of mistake often appears inadvertently. Maybe it does not represent our fundamental personality quality, but it will have a bad influence on the child, making the child unknowingly go to the opposite of seeking truth from facts.For example, some parents say in front of their children that "There is no good person among rich people", and then complain that their family has too little money, and then attribute the lack of money to the influence of society or others.After talking in this circle, the child is confused.There are also parents who, on the one hand, require their children to be down-to-earth, but on the other hand, they are vain and show off.Even if such parents talk about "seeking truth from facts" all day long, it is difficult for children to understand the connotation of these four words: it is difficult to internalize them into their own thoughts.
Therefore, if you want your child to truly acquire the four characters, parents must pay attention to their own behavior and reflect on whether their words and deeds are realistic.This is especially true in the case of teaching by example rather than by words.In the education of Yuanyuan, my husband and I may not always mention the words "seeking truth from facts" to her, but we have always followed these words as much as possible.The first is to set an example by yourself and try to act according to these four words.The second is to try to abide by these four words in her education.
We never ask her to achieve high test scores, and never compare her rankings with others. We want her to be realistic in her studies; Pursue children's superficial obedience; we are particularly willing to accept opinions from others, including children's opinions, and the family often sits together to hold "commenting meetings", which allows children to learn to look at the shortcomings of themselves and others with a realistic perspective, Facing it objectively and actively improving it... Education that seeks truth from facts can happen everywhere in all the details of life.At the end of the first semester of the first grade of Yuanyuan Elementary School, the three best students in the class were selected, and they voted by secret ballot. Each person could choose three students.Yuanyuan went home and told me that she got the most votes. There were 45 students in the class, and she got 43 votes. The two missing votes were two boys who didn't vote for her.I asked her how she knew who had not voted for her, and Yuanyuan said that the two boys came to tell her after class.
Although I was happy that Yuanyuan got the most votes, a thought flashed through me: It seems that Yuanyuan voted for herself. Is this appropriate?Those two boys didn't vote for her, did they have any opinion on her?But I soon realized how tacky I was.Why can't children vote for themselves?If the little boy didn't vote for Yuanyuan, how could he have a problem with her?They are just 6 or 7-year-old children with such pure hearts that they don't have vulgar thoughts like mine in their heads.When Yuanyuan told me these things, her tone was so natural and cheerful. When she talked about the two boys, she was like talking about the classmates who voted for her. There was no difference.I'm glad I didn't slip up, otherwise, just two words of surprise from me would be enough to overwhelm the child and pollute her heart.I just kissed Yuanyuan's little face and said to her with admiration, it seems that the baby is doing well.
The next day, after Yuanyuan finished her homework, she suddenly remembered something and asked me, "Mom, do you think you can vote for yourself?" Vote, isn't that what you do?Yuanyuan told me a little strangely that the little boy at her desk told her today that to choose the best, you can only choose others, not yourself. To choose yourself is to be immodest.I guess maybe the boy was "taught" by an adult last night.But I didn’t tell my guess, just smiled and said to Yuanyuan, he got it wrong, you can tell him, if you feel that your qualifications are not enough, then don’t vote for yourself, if you think it’s enough, and you want to be a good student, then just You can cast yourself.If you want to be a good student in your heart, and feel that you are qualified for a good student, but deliberately refuse to vote for yourself, then it is wrong.None of this has anything to do with humility or pride.
Since then, Yuanyuan has voted for herself in the "three best" every semester, because she has always been among the best in her grades, and she is a class leader, so she has confidence in herself.But she also gradually discovered some subtle ideas and practices of the students in this regard.Everyone cares more and more about who voted for whom, and no one wants to admit that they voted for themselves.Yuanyuan gradually sensed why others did this, but when a classmate asked her who she voted for, she would never hide it, and truthfully said that she also voted for herself.When she said this, she felt a little awkward, so she went home and told me her confusion.I told her, just say what you do, truth is the best and most beautiful.Whoever you voted for and who voted for you, as long as you feel that you are doing the right thing, there is nothing to be ashamed of, but putting on airs is wrong, and you should be ashamed.The parents' words made Yuanyuan feel at ease, and she has always said whatever she wants on this matter.
When Yuanyuan was in the first grade of junior high school, she also voted for the top three students in her class, and she voted for herself as before.When someone asked about it back in the dormitory, Yuanyuan frankly admitted that she had voted for herself.But that time Yuanyuan was not selected as one of the three best students, because her sports performance did not meet the requirements of "good" for the three best students, so she lost the qualification for selection.The reason why Yuanyuan voted for herself was because the two of us talked about it once before. She hoped to keep the honor of "three good students" and worried that her sports performance would suddenly become bad after entering junior high school. The impact is rated as three good.I comforted her and said that the school will consider that you are only 10 years old, two or three years younger than your classmates. Everyone else has started to enter puberty and developed, and you are still at the age and physique of a primary school student. Sports should be appropriately relaxed.I also mentioned that her class teacher praised the four children who insisted on morning exercises every day at the parent meeting, including Yuanyuan.
But the school did not consider her specific situation.So in the second year when she was selected as one of the top three students, Yuanyuan no longer voted for herself, but voted for others, because her physical education was still not good enough.But this time Yuanyuan went back to the dormitory and said that she didn't vote for her, and some classmates thought she was smart and concealed it.When Yuanyuan went home and told me about this matter, she thought it was too complicated for others to understand it that way.I think Yuanyuan has formed a relatively stable understanding in this regard.Not long after, the class voted for class cadres again.Yuanyuan voted for a classmate she didn't usually like. She said that because that classmate had strong working ability, she was suitable for that position.
Class cadres are often a kind of glory among junior high school students, so who they vote for is often affected by emotions. They may pay more attention to who they have a good relationship with when voting.Yuanyuan can consider who to vote for based on her work ability. This kind of down-to-earth spirit is very valuable.A child's steadiness in future life depends on how much he is influenced by the four words of seeking truth from facts when he grows up, and on how close his way of thinking is to these four words when he grows up.The main opposite of seeking truth from facts is not falsehood, but vanity—vanity, impetuosity, and the paranoia and jealousy behind it—seemingly small problems, but they are revealed inadvertently, but they are quite destructive.
Now there is one child in every family, and the eagerness to hope that the child will become a success has caused many parents to increase their vanity and impetuousness, and paranoid behaviors frequently appear.The child is very miserable in a vain life and is more likely to suffer failure; the parent does not know what he has done to the child.I have contacted many parents and constantly helped some parents solve some problems in their children's education, but I also constantly lamented the subtlety and difficulty of solving some problems.I have found more and more that the inappropriate teaching methods of many parents are not due to their lack of educational knowledge, but due to vanity and impetuosity.The following example is what I just encountered and is very representative.
A person I know called me and said that her relative's daughter has some psychological problems now, and asked if I could give the girl some psychological counseling.This girl is already twenty-five years old. Her father is a senior middle school teacher. He teaches in a well-known middle school and always leads high school graduation classes. Most of the graduates he teaches go to prestigious schools such as Tsinghua University and Peking University. The individual is also well-known in the industry.The girl's mother is also a middle school teacher.In such a family, the girl has always been strictly required. She has studied well since she was a child, and she attended the middle school where her father attended in high school.
According to the girl's ranking in the school at that time, it was possible to be admitted to Tsinghua University, but I was not sure.When filling out the application form, my father said that if you don't get admitted to Tsinghua University, I will not be convincing to teach in the future, so he urged his daughter to apply for Tsinghua University.The mother also persuaded the child that if you are admitted to Tsinghua University, I will have the confidence to manage students in the school.
In order to let the children have no other ideas, they suggested that the children only apply for one choice and not the second choice.As a result, the girl failed the exam by 8 points, so she had to repeat the exam.A year later, when she filled out her application form again, the girl was a little timid. She dared not apply for Tsinghua University for her first application, and wanted to apply for another more famous university.But the parents thought that they could get into that school with last year's scores, and since they had been studying for a year, they should be admitted to Tsinghua University, so they encouraged their children to apply for Tsinghua University.Fortunately, I filled out my second choice after Tsinghua University this time, but the result was still a bit short. I was not admitted to Tsinghua University and went to the university of my second choice.The second choice university is actually not bad, but this family always thinks that if they don’t go to Tsinghua University, they will be very wronged. Parents always feel ashamed because their children only take a year of tutoring before being admitted to an ordinary university. They sigh and express a lot of dissatisfaction , which made the child very depressed all the time in college for four years, and even took half a year off from school in the middle.
The girl went to Tsinghua University for a master's degree after graduating from a bachelor's degree, but she still failed, so she wanted to study abroad.I applied to two famous foreign universities, but for some reason they failed.Another hit.Later, her parents helped her find a good job through their relationship, and they should be happy, but what made the girl unhappy was that the other two graduates of the same year who came to the unit with her were from famous schools.After working for a year, one of the two was promoted to be a small person in charge. This finally made the girl unbearable. She ran away from home for half a month without asking for leave, and refused to go to work after returning.
Now girls shut themselves in the house every day, doing nothing but surfing the Internet and sleeping.After everyone's hard persuasion, I went to see a psychiatrist. The doctor said that she was depressed, talked to her once, and prescribed medicine.But this has passed for more than a month, and there is no effect. Now the girl not only shuts herself in the room all day long, but even the curtains are not allowed to be opened for her.
The girl's father was also on the verge of a breakdown.He has always been competitive and won't admit defeat in anything. The child's troubles in the past few years have hit him very hard. He feels that as a parent, he has failed too much and has lost face.After hearing about this situation, I felt very sorry for the girl, but I told the other party that I couldn't do this kind of psychological counseling, either because I didn't want to help, or because I couldn't help.
From his narrative, especially the description of some details, I have clearly seen how the girl got to where she is today.Although what I heard was a relatively isolated matter, it is almost certain that her parents can think that way about their child's college entrance examination, and they must be full of such a way of thinking in their daily life.So the problem of girls is not something that happens overnight, but a problem that has been accumulated for a long time. The college entrance examination just pushes the problem to the worse.
Vanity parents exhaust themselves and their children.
If time can be turned back, I will be willing to help. I will hurry up and tell her parents that in educating children, everything should be as realistic as possible. The more realistic you are, the smoother your daughter’s life will be. , her life may be happier, and it will make you more proud.
Rousseau said: "The highest morality is negative, and at the same time it is the most difficult to practice, because this kind of morality is not for others to see." If you extend this sentence from treating others to treating yourself, you can understand it like this : When people do something for themselves, they must also seek truth from facts. What they do is "not for others to see". practical".
Parents are often not easy to be alert to their own vanity, which is why vanity and impetuosity often occur - as small as rewarding and punishing children indiscriminately, talking nonsense, and belittling opponents in words; Disorderly command in terms of object selection - day, day, month, bit by bit, unknowingly messing up children's values, so that their feet can't step on the ground.
Unreliability is a blemish in life, which distorts people's way of thinking and makes them unable to face others objectively, nor face themselves truthfully.
A person without the spirit of seeking truth from facts, even if he is shrewd, is often short-sighted; even if he works hard, he is always unable to succeed;He lacks peace and tranquility, and cannot be an ordinary and happy person; he also lacks individuality and creativity, and it is difficult to become an outstanding person.
In order to cultivate children's spirit of seeking truth from facts, in addition to parents setting an example and paying attention to influence from words and deeds, I think reading also plays a very good role.Especially some biographies have a great influence on children.
Those outstanding figures, no matter they are scientists, artists, politicians, or entrepreneurs, all of them show their devotion to career, firm will, pioneering courage, and high level of understanding, all revealing the way of thinking of seeking truth from facts, and all of them are full of the spirit of seeking truth from facts. Spirit.Their achievements are rooted in the solid soil of seeking truth from facts.Reading the biographies of great people means communicating with some outstanding people and excellent ideas, and forming your own feelings of truth, goodness and beauty.
Seeking truth from facts is a big topic, and the exploration is endless; seeking truth from facts is also a very simple matter, which can be realized everywhere without any skills.These four characters have no trace of makeup, but they give people the best protection; they are extremely plain, but they bring glory to people.I want to say again that giving a child these four words is really more precious than giving him gold!
●The main opposite of seeking truth from facts is not falsehood, but vanity—vanity, impetuosity, and paranoia and jealousy underneath.
●Many parents' inappropriate ways of teaching their children are not due to their lack of educational knowledge, but because of vanity and impetuosity.
●Parents are often not easy to be alert to their vanity, which is also the reason why vanity and impetuosity often occur - as small as rewarding and punishing children indiscriminately, talking nonsense, and belittling opponents in words; Even the selection of objects and other aspects of command - day, day, month, bit by bit, unknowingly mess up the children's values, so that their feet cannot step on the ground.
●Unreliability is a blemish in life, which distorts people's way of thinking and makes them unable to face others objectively and face themselves truthfully.
●Cultivate children's spirit of seeking truth from facts, and reading also plays a very good role.Especially some biographies have a great influence on children.Reading the biographies of great people is to communicate with some outstanding people and excellent ideas, and it is to form your own feelings of truth, kindness and laughter.
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