Chapter 4 foreword

Maybe, you've been asked for a promotion; The vast majority of members in disagree; apologies... Every day, at work or at home, we may encounter difficult conversations, and we may avoid them perfectly. When it comes to unsustainable conversations, many of us may quickly think of sensitive topics such as sex, race, gender, policy, and religion.However, the appearance of embarrassment and indecentness is not limited to those topics that are often discussed in newspapers and magazines.When something important we're talking about is in crisis and the outcome is unpredictable, when we pay close attention to what's being discussed or who we're talking to, it's easy to get caught up in the conversation and throw ourselves into it, As a result, our self-esteem will inevitably rise and fall as the conversation deepens. In fact, we may already be in a difficult conversation at this time, but we don’t realize it.

Each of us has topics that we don't want to mention, and we have all met unpleasant conversation partners; in the face of some conversations, some people are afraid to avoid them, while others will hold their noses and drink Chinese medicine courage to face it. The old man in the company, the old friend who was once, has all been that "nosy person" who makes your conversation impossible to continue. You have been selected by management to negotiate with an employee who is about to be fired. Just as you and your son are about to go to your mother-in-law's house for the holidays, you overhear her telling a neighbor that your son is completely spoiled and uneducated.So, in the next week, are you confident that you can live in peace with your mother-in-law and not confront her because of it?

In order to complete the project, you spent twice as long as you promised the client.You can't bear the additional costs incurred, but you dare not notify customers that you need to increase costs. You want to tell your dad how much you love him, but worry that getting too close will put you in an awkward situation. You just learned that a few co-workers talked about you behind your back, that you were servile and spineless to some people.You're angry about this, but you're not sure if talking to them about it will help you. Of course, in daily life, you will inevitably encounter such trivial things, but it is the seemingly ordinary conversations that happen in these trivial things that often make you feel anxious: want to return the product Can't find the receipt; ask the secretary to copy some documents for you; tell the painter not to smoke in the house, etc.Most of us try to avoid these trivial matters if we can, and only choose to face them when we have to.To do this, we may think about what we want to say in advance and practice it repeatedly in our minds, or we may imagine various possible scenarios and their consequences before acting, so as to think over and over again what to say and how to say it.

What makes a simple thing so complicated and difficult to face?The answer is simple, because we are afraid to face these trivial things, but if we avoid them, what is right and what is wrong? We've all been in a dilemma.Around the same problem, we go round and round, but we just stand still-should I raise this problem for everyone to discuss, or solve it by myself? The neighbor's dog is keeping you up at night. "Should I talk to them?" you mused.At first, you decide it's better to bear with it. "Maybe the dog stopped barking after a while, or maybe I got used to it after a while." However, at night, when the dog barked again in your ears, you made up your mind to go and talk to him the next day. Negotiate with neighbors to resolve this matter thoroughly.

However, you are still unable to fall asleep while lying on the bed, but now it is not the barking of the dog that causes your insomnia, but other reasons.The thought of possibly getting into an argument with your neighbors over their dog makes you nervous.You want to build a good neighborhood relationship, and you want neighbors to like you.Thinking of this, you hesitated again, maybe my reaction was too strong. After thinking about it, you finally changed your mind again and decided that it is better not to say anything, but to keep your mouth shut. After you made this decision, the nerves that were still tense just now relaxed, and the whole person felt relieved. However, Just when you were relaxed and drowsy, the damn dog started barking again. Thus, a new round of ideological struggle began again.

And so on and on, your hope of falling asleep seems to have become slim. Why is it so difficult to make a decision to face it or avoid it?The reason is simple, because, to some extent, we actually know the truth of the matter very well.However, if we choose to avoid it, the psychology of being taken advantage of by others will come out, so we will feel unwilling and ask ourselves: why don't we protect our own interests, why do we want to deprive others to do things better? Opportunity?However, when we actually face the problem, it can get worse.Our requests may be denied, or we may be forced to defect; we may hurt others even though we did not mean to; cast an unfriendly shadow.

The dilemma makes us almost desperate. What’s the matter, we desperately look for all kinds of ways out. We want to know whether people can be fluent in all directions, and whether all difficult problems can be solved satisfactorily? Being well-rounded is nice, but it doesn't help with difficult conversations.Being well-rounded doesn't make your conversation with your dad any more intimate, nor does it take away a client's anger over an increased bill.In fact, there is no so-called diplomatic grenade in this world at all, just throwing it out can solve all problems.Don't expect to be able to fire a friend with peace of mind, keep your mother-in-law unaware of your anger, or let you face the prejudice of your colleagues without harm by virtue of your so-called perfect skills. .

Sending a "dangerous" message is like throwing a grenade.For all its sugar coating, and however hard it can be thrown, a grenade is a grenade, and it only wreaks havoc wherever it hits—and once the grenade is thrown, damage is inevitable, and it has nothing to do with skill.At this time, you may think, since you can't throw it out, then keep it for yourself, but what I want to tell you is that it is also not wise to keep it.The "dangerous" information left by you is like a grenade with its fuse pulled out, which may explode at any time. As an insider of all this, how can you face it easily?

Therefore, whenever this happens, we will feel a dilemma.At this time, what we need is not trivial advice such as "acting mature" or "face it positively and optimistically", but practical solutions that can solve the problem.The root of the problem is buried deep, so we must find the fundamental answer to solve the problem. There is always hope.As members of the Harvard Negotiation Project, we've analyzed and studied thousands of people's difficult conversations of all kinds, and we've found a way to reduce stress and make conversations more productive.With it, you can easily resolve even the most difficult conflicts, and at the same time, do not lose etiquette and integrity.It can help you restore inner peace, with or without the involvement of others.

Of course, changing the way you handle difficult conversations will take time and dedication.It's like changing your golf swing, or adapting to a completely different set of road rules, or learning a new language.All beginnings are hard.You will inevitably feel awkward and clumsy at first, and then you may feel insecure, after all, breaking a habit is never easy risk.Therefore, in the process of change, you must be "ruthless" to yourself, and then change and grow in due course.Remember that short-term pain is worse than long-term pain, and that it is better to hone yourself in short-term but beneficial pain than to endure the harm caused by unnecessary confrontation and live in struggle for a long time.

Although the process is difficult, the final reward is also very rich.If you follow the book step by step, you will find that it is not so difficult to break the deadlock in the conversation, and once the difficulty is resolved, your inner anxiety and worry will disappear.The efficiency of your conversation will increase immediately, and the result of the conversation will naturally become optimistic.As your worries dissipate and your satisfaction with the conversation increases, you will find that, slowly, you will take the initiative to join those conversations that you once feared to avoid. In fact, those who work with us have already proven the effectiveness of this approach.Since mastering this method of resolving the crisis of conversation, they can not only easily face the conversation, but also achieve satisfactory results in every conversation.From then on, they will no longer be worried because they are afraid of not knowing how to deal with the other party's answer.Even in difficult conversation situations, they are equally comfortable, and they appear confident, self-respecting, and honest.What's more, they told us, deftly resolving difficult and awkward conversations can sometimes further strengthen the relationship with the speaker.Who would miss such a great opportunity? If you're skeptical, we totally understand.After all, you've probably been struggling with this for quite some time, maybe weeks, maybe months, or even years.That being the case, the problems you are facing must be quite complicated, and the other party must not be easy to deal with.So, how can all this troublesomeness be solved by simply reading books? Indeed, there is certainly a limit to what you can learn about human interaction from a book.And it is impossible for us to clearly know the specific environment in which you are talking, nor where the crisis of your conversation is, let alone your own strengths and weaknesses.What we found, however, was that the factors that lead to troubled conversations, and the mistakes people make—whether in the way they think or act—are essentially the same regardless of their specific circumstances.We are all worried about the same problem, and the problems that arise in reality are similar.So, no matter what the situation you are facing, and no matter who you are facing, you are sure to find a solution to the problem in this book. Of course, in actual conversation, no matter how skilled you are, there will always be some difficult problems that cannot be solved.Maybe it's because the person you're talking to is too emotional, maybe it's because both parties are so focused on the matter, or maybe it's because the conflict has become too heated to mediate that this book—even professional negotiators— —Maybe really helpless.However, such cases are rare after all, and in most cases, those seemingly hopeless cases are actually solvable.People often say to us, "I need some advice, but I must warn you that the situation is terrible and there is little room for maneuver." In fact, the situation is far from being as bad as they think.Eventually, together, we found a workaround to get the conversation back on track. Of course, you may not be ready to return to that difficult conversation or tense relationship just yet.You may still be sad that you have been hurt, so it will take time to heal.Maybe you have already lost yourself in the anger because you are angry, or you are feeling lost because you don't know what you really want.In short, you are not ready for a new round of conversations, but even so, you can get inspiration and help from this book, which will help you sort out your emotions and find a way to return your mind to peace and health. You might be wondering, can we offer some constructive advice that you haven't thought of yet?the answer should be confirmed.Because, when you are caught in a difficult conversation, the key to solving the problem is not whether you are actively looking for the answer to the problem, but whether you have found the right direction.From a visceral perspective, the root of the problem is not your actions, but the way you think.So if you just focus on trying to break the ice in a conversation in a different way, then the end result will only be failure. This book provides readers with many suggestions on how to deal with difficult conversations, but more importantly, it will help readers understand more fully what the difficulties they are facing and why the purpose of the conversation should be conveyed information" to "learning".Readers can only understand and use each step of this learning conversation well if they understand these two questions first. No matter how free and easy you are, you will have difficult conversations in your life.Our own life experience makes us—the authors of this book—understand this truth.So, we know that dilemma feeling: You don't want to hurt someone else, and you don't want to be hurt yourself.We've all experienced the guilt that comes with our actions affecting others, or of living up to their expectations.We are well aware that sometimes good intentions can end up being the culprits that destroy relationships, and frankly, most of the time, we are not the kind people.We even know how fragile the human mind really is. So, to be successful, you better define a realistic goal.It is unrealistic and impossible to completely eliminate fear and anxiety during a conversation.We can only reduce the fear and anxiety in our hearts, then learn how to deal with the problem, and find the most accessible resources from the available resources, and use them for us.Getting the perfect ending without taking any risks would never happen in real life.Good results are only possible if affordable concessions are accepted. For most people, being able to understand this is good enough.Because, if we are vulnerable, we at least also know that we have extraordinary resilience.