Chapter 18 Chapter 17 The Art of Rejection

Be tactful when rejecting others, because no one likes being rejected; be generous when being rejected, because the person who rejects you always has his reasons——Wang Guozhen As a leader, you often encounter some inappropriate requests from others or subordinates. It is really difficult to say "no" without offending others.Moreover, such requests or requirements are sometimes unavoidable at all, and cannot be delayed. At this time, if there is no sufficient reason and you don't want to violate a certain rule or principle, it is the best way to reject it categorically and categorically.

I remember that Mr. Qian Zhongshu once rejected all the popular birthday celebrations, commemorative meetings and some so-called academic seminars, and unceremoniously said seven "no"s in succession: "Don't spend money that is unclear. , find some dubious people, and say something that doesn't hurt." Old Master Qian will never be vulgar, and he will refuse when he should, and he will never show mercy. A woman once said to Lincoln, "Mr. President, you must give me a warrant appointing my son a colonel." Lincoln glanced at her, and the lady continued, "I am not asking for your favor by making this request, but I have the right to do so. Because my grandfather fought at Lexington, and my uncle fought at Brassburg." The only soldier who didn't run away, my father fought in New Orleans and my husband died in Monterey."

After listening carefully, Lincoln said: "Madam, I think your family has done enough to serve the country. Now it's time to give this opportunity to others." In terms of points, he conferred titles on his sons.Of course Lincoln understood what the other party meant, but he pretended to be confused.A well-timed rejection benefits both yourself and others.In management, as a leader, it is impossible for you to meet the requirements of the other party in everything and under all circumstances.Some people often fail to say "no" when they should say "no", and end up hurting themselves and others, and ruining relationships.

Some people say that if you want to really understand a person, please pay attention to the way he rejects others, this is the whole of a person. "No" not only reflects a person's temperament, but also interprets the standard of a person's life. It is a state to boldly say "no" when it is time to say no. (1) Rejection for non-personal reasons The most difficult thing about saying "no" to people is that you can't find a credible and reasonable excuse when it is inconvenient to tell the real reason. Then, you might as well use your brains on others. Although evasion cannot solve the problem, it is a sign of rejection. way.

(2) Rejection as a last resort When someone sincerely asks for your help, you should give it as much help as you can.But when you encounter something that is really powerless and you cannot help the other party, don't rush to say "no", and don't make the other party feel that you have no sincerity to help him solve the difficulty, otherwise, you will be a bad person in the eyes of others. Selfish and lacking compassion. Manager Li of the insurance company is in charge of coordinating customers' claims for compensation. Manager Li's work determines that he will often reject customers' claims.However, he was always sympathetic to the client's request, explaining that while he morally agreed to the request, he simply had more than he could do.Since he refused to obtain the Fa, Manager Li did a great job.Similarly, when someone asks you and you can do nothing, don't refuse him first, but listen to his statement patiently, express sympathy for his plight, and even give him some suggestions, and finally tell him that you If you really can't help him, the other party will never be angry because of it, but will be moved by your sincerity.

(3) Decline by inducing the other party Inducing the other party means that when someone makes an unreasonable request to you, don't simply refuse him, but let him understand how inappropriate his request is, so that he can voluntarily give it up. The owner of a high-performance interior design firm stated that he never said outright "no" to unrealistic assumptions of users, but tried to guide them to agree to what he wanted them to do. A woman wanted an inappropriate floral fabric for curtains, and the boss suggested, "You've really given us a new kind of design thinking, but let's see what you want the curtain arrangement to look like." He then went on about what kind of fabric for curtains would best harmonize with modern decor, and soon the woman forgot about her floral fabric.

(4) Indicate the direction after declining This is especially important for those in certain leadership positions.For example, after your subordinate's request to you is rejected by you, you might as well tell your subordinate the direction of his efforts so that he can always see hope. Compared with this, your rejection is insignificant and will not dampen his enthusiasm. Self-esteem will not hurt the relationship between you and your subordinates. Dr. William Reilly from the United States, author of the book "Successful Interpersonal Relationships", talked about how to deal with the situation that his subordinates want to be promoted but his own conditions are not enough. He suggested that the business executives say:

"Yes, George, I understand your desire to be promoted. However, in order to be promoted, you must first make yourself more important to the company. Now, let's see what more can be done about it..." (5) Decline without thinking You must know that when you refuse this kind of thing, sometimes the faster you react, the less displeasure and shadow you will leave on others. There is a short story in the Afghan folk tale entitled "The Prudent Wise Man". One day the pasha summoned the wise man and said to him: "Wise man, your wisdom is known to all, and I appoint you as judge of this city."

Not interested in the errand, the wise man replied: "Great Pasha, I am not qualified for this position." Pasha asked, "Why?" The wise man replied: "If I am telling the truth, I should not be appointed as a judge; if I am lying, should a liar be appointed as a judge?" This prudent and wise man actually does not want to be the judge of this city. Regardless of his modesty or not, his logical judgment shows that he cannot be the judge of this city; if he is lying, neither can a liar Be a judge.So, coerced from both sides, came to the conclusion of "I can't be", and easily declined Pasha's invitation.

In daily communication activities, especially as a leader, you must often encounter such a problem: a colleague with a similar position to yours suddenly asks you to help him with a very difficult job.If you agree, it may be against the principles or in line with the company's regulations; if you refuse, you will lose face because you have been colleagues for many years.How should I find a reason that will not offend my colleagues and can push this work out smoothly? Some people will directly say to colleagues: "No, just not!" This is definitely not the best choice, and it may make you and your colleagues not even have to be friends in the future.Some people will evade and say: "I am not capable enough, but Xiao A is more suitable." Have you ever thought about how a colleague will react when your colleagues tell you what you said to Xiao A?Some people will say embarrassedly: "I'm really too busy." The reason is good, but you can only use it once, and when you use it for the second time, you must face suspicious eyes from your colleagues.These do not seem to be the best reasons for refusal, so how to tactfully reject unreasonable requests in the office?

Here are some methods. When you've listened carefully to a co-worker's request and believe you should say no, saying "no" has to be gentle but firm.It's like a pill, but the sugar-coated medicine is easier for people to swallow.In the same way, it is easier to accept a tactful rejection than a direct "no".For example, when the request of the other party is not in line with the company or department regulations, you have to express your work authority tactfully, and imply that if he does this favor himself, it will exceed the scope of his work and violate the company's relevant regulations.On the premise that his work is already full and he can't help, let him know the order of his work, and imply that if he helps him, it will delay his ongoing work and have a greater adverse impact on the company and himself .Generally speaking, when colleagues hear you say this, they will definitely not force you anymore, and instead think of other ways. Former U.S. President Taft once told such a story that happened to him: "A woman living in Washington, whose politically powerful husband asked me to place her son in a position. She kept making requests of me, and asked several members of both Houses to speak for her. However, what she asked for her son was a position as Secretary to the President and in charge of consulting the two houses of Congress. This position can only be filled by people with certain professional knowledge. Her son really cannot take up this position, so I later assigned another She was greatly disappointed by this, and immediately wrote me a letter saying that I was unsophisticated and that she had tried to persuade the representatives of a certain state to agree to a certain proposal I proposed. An important bill, she is helping me like this, and I can fulfill her wish with a simple gesture of my hand? "I received her letter and put the letter on hold for two days, then took it out and wrote a reply calmly. I expressed sympathy for her, saying that as a mother, I am very disappointed when I encounter such a thing. Besides, it is not up to me to make decisions about the employment of people; because of technical talents, I can only listen to the recommendation of the department leader, and finally said that her son can do a good job in the current position. This letter finally After calming her down, she gave me another short letter, explaining that I should be sorry for what I said in the previous letter. "The person I appointed didn't take over immediately, so a few days later, I received another letter signed by her husband, but in exactly the same handwriting as the previous letter. It said his wife Worrying about her son's position became sick, and the doctor diagnosed it as a serious stomach problem. If she is to recover, it is best to withdraw the person appointed earlier and replace her with her son. "Therefore, I wrote back another letter to her husband, saying that I hope the doctor's diagnosis is wrong, and at the same time, I sympathize with him for his wife's illness. As for the withdrawal of the person appointed before, that was changed day and night. In fact it is impossible. "Shortly after this, the person I appointed arrived. Two days later, I held a concert in the White House. The first couple of guests were the woman and her husband." In the above example, Taft refused three times in a row, and each time he refused, he gave the woman a lot of sympathy and understanding for other topics, so after the incident, they can still maintain good or even better. good relationship.This was no doubt due to Taft's appropriate handling of the matter and his succinct but affectionate refusal.Therefore, when we reject certain things in social interaction, we should not say a lot of reasons for the rejection. If something is not good, it is not good. It is the best policy to simply state the reasons and then reject it with affection. (1) Avoid speaking weakly When rejecting others, if you speak weakly or even groan and babble for a long time, people will easily develop a kind of disgust, thinking that you can’t help him, but you don’t want to help him at all, because generally speaking, only people with a guilty conscience will do this Hesitating. (2) Avoid being too enthusiastic If you refuse others, you should seriously state the reasons, and then whether you express regret or helplessness, others are not happy, but you can't make false accusations of your rejection, but if you want to make up for the other party, you keep saying "it's a pity" and "it's a pity" It's a bit hypocritical to say "the next time" and "definitely". (3) Avoid touching emotions According to the research of psychologists, "touching" is easy to produce common feelings, so when you want to say "no", you should avoid it.It is easier to say "no" and say "no" better if you give people an attitude of "respect and stay away". .Generally speaking, people who can remember other people's names once they meet are often easy to get close to others. Therefore, calling other people's names constantly in conversation, and dubbing them "brother" and "sir" can often produce a sense of intimacy, then , Conversely, when you want to say "no", you should put an end to this kind of intimate expression, that is, you don't mention the other party's name at all, so as to increase the psychological distance with the other party, it is easy to say "no".Also try to stay away from the other party when talking, so that it is not easy to use touchy intimate actions such as clapping and pulling.In addition, it is best not to touch the things the other party handed out.Things are like people, once "touched" they will produce "intimacy", and it is not easy to refuse. (4) Avoid inappropriate excuses Some leaders don't want to say "no" directly, so they find some reasons that are not worth refuting to temporarily prevaricate the other party in order to get a temporary relief.This method is not good, because the other party can still find reasons to pester you until you agree.For example, if you don’t want to promise to do something for someone, and you say: “I don’t have time today.” He will say: “It’s okay, you can help me do it tomorrow, and I will leave it to you.” Because these are all small lies , Once you refute, you must be flustered, and it will be difficult to implement the will to refuse.So to deal with this situation, you might as well tell the other party straightforwardly and clearly with simpler reasons: "This matter you entrusted can't be done, please forgive me", "I really can't do anything, I'm sorry", and so on.Although this seems a little blunt, the reason is simple and clear, and it will not give the other party an opportunity, but it can avoid future troubles. In interpersonal communication, leaders will inevitably encounter some unreasonable language.If you persuade with good words, it may be tantamount to playing the piano with a cow; if you directly blame, it may invite more unreasonable confrontation. At this time, the most effective way is to refute.When you want to refute the other party, in addition to having a good reason, you also need to rely on your speaking skills.A good rebuttal can make the other party speechless, but a bad rebuttal will inevitably lead to a dispute of words.Therefore, the real rebuttal is not a war of words in a simple sense, but to do what you say and contradict what you say, so that the other party will fall into the trap of your own words cleverly, and you will be speechless and speechless.In the counterattack, the following four points must be paid attention to. (1) Peace of mind When encountering unreasonable words and deeds, the leader must first show sufficient accomplishment, not to be excited, but to control emotions, have a calm attitude, and speak steadily.As the saying goes: "When a man sees humiliation, he draws his sword and fights. This is not considered courageous." Not only will the other party not be afraid of this, but he will be proud of your gaffe.At this time, the mood is peaceful, and an invisible pressure will be formed on the other party's psychology.Then briefly repeat what he said, ask him if he meant these things, and then objectively affirm the positive elements of his speech, and express his approval appropriately to make him pay attention to what you say.In the end, he refuted layer by layer, putting the light ones in front and the heavy ones in the back, the more he spoke, the tighter he spoke, and the harder he spoke, until he was speechless. (2) Hidden needles in cotton To fight back against unreasonable behavior, you can tell the truth, but sometimes it is not appropriate to show your sharpness, because it is too rigid, and rigidity is easy to break.Sometimes, insinuating sideways, hiding needles in the cotton, can actually show more strength. It makes the other party have no braids to catch, and they have to swallow the bitter fruit they planted by themselves, and secretly cry in their hearts, just like the Scottish poet Burns. One day, Burns saw a rich man being rescued from the river by the Thames.The rich man gave a dollar to the man who risked his life to save him.The onlookers were enraged by this shameless act and wanted to throw the rich man into the river again.Pence stepped forward to stop him: "Let him go, he knows the value of his life very well." (3) Side-by-side Fighting back against unreasonable behavior is the confrontation between just language and unreasonable language.Therefore, the language of counterattack must show a certain connection with the opponent's language. It is in this connection that one can fully demonstrate one's wit and strength. (4) Strong refutation For verbal counterattacks against unreasonable words and deeds, you can't talk for a long time, miss the point, or use soft words, but you must hit the point accurately and hit the vital point at once; Some things, just saying that they cannot effectively solve the problem, but saying otherwise will have an unexpected effect. Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty Liu Che had a nurse who committed a crime outside the palace and was arrested by the government and reported to Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty.Emperor Wu of the Han was very embarrassed. After all, he was his own nurse, and the kindness of a drop of water should be repaid by the spring, not to mention that he was raised by her milk.However, the emperor violated the law and committed the same crime as the common people. If she is not dealt with, he will lose his dignity as the emperor, so how can he rule the world in the future.After thinking about it, Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty decided to focus on the overall situation and deal with his wet nurse according to law. The nurse knew very well that Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty was a man, and knew that she was in danger, so she thought of Dongfang Shuo, who was eloquent, and asked Dongfang Shuo to help her. Dongfang Shuo was also quite embarrassed. He thought for a while and said, "There are ways, but you have to rely on yourself." The wet nurse asked eagerly, "What way?" Dongfang Shuo said: "As long as you keep looking back at Emperor Wu when you are taken away, but don't speak, there may be a glimmer of hope." Although the wet nurse didn't understand the mystery, she still nodded. When the wet nurse was summoned, she intentionally walked up to Emperor Wu to bid farewell to him, stared at Emperor Wu with mournful eyes, and hesitated to speak several times.Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty looked at her, and felt very uncomfortable. He wanted to forgive her, but he couldn't go back on his word because he had no jokes. Dongfang Shuo saw all this in his eyes, and knowing that the time was right, he walked over and said to the wet nurse, "You are too infatuated. Now that the emperor has grown up, how can he live on your milk? You don't want to." Look again, let's go!" Emperor Wu heard the meaning of Dongfang Shuo's words, and remembered how much his nurse had loved him when he was a child. Finally, he couldn't bear to see his nurse be punished, so he pardoned her by extrajudicial grace. Dongfang Shuo bounced back and Pipa finally saved the wet nurse.Similarly, Yan Zi of Qi State is also well versed in this way. Once, a groom killed Qi Jinggong's favorite old horse.Because the horse was too old and had a strange disease, the groom was afraid that the horse would infect other horses, so he took the initiative and killed the old horse. Unexpectedly, even though it was an old horse, in the eyes of Qi Jinggong, it was still his favorite thing. After all, the horse had followed him for so many years, how many times it had been born and died with him, and made great contributions, but now it was killed by someone without permission.Jinggong couldn't help being furious, and immediately ordered the grooms to be tied up. He wanted to kill the grooms himself to avenge his beloved horse. The groom didn't expect that he would do his job well, and his good intentions would lead to his death. His face turned pale with fright, and he couldn't speak a word. Yan Zi saw it from the side, and hurriedly stopped Qi Jinggong: "Your Majesty, don't worry. Just kill him like this. He died without knowing what crime he committed. It's too cheap for him. I would like to enumerate his crimes for the Majesty, and then it's not too late to kill him?" When Qi Jinggong heard it, he said it was reasonable, so he agreed to Yanzi. So Yanzi approached the groom, pretended to be out of breath, pointed at the groom, and said sharply: "Do you know what crime you committed?" "No, I don't know." The groom couldn't stand up for a long time and said tremblingly. "First, you raised a horse for our king, but you killed the horse. Although the horse was old and sick, it was the king's horse. Just for this, it deserves death. "Second, you made our king have to kill the man who raised the horse because the horse was killed, and you deserve to die for this crime. "Third article, if you make the king kill the man who raised the horse because the horse was killed, this matter will spread to the neighboring princes, so that everyone will know that our king loves horses and does not love people, so he is called inhumane and unrighteous. This crime deserves death. "Article Four..." Yanzi wanted to continue talking, but Qi Jinggong couldn't sit still, and interrupted Yanzi: "Needless to say, master let him go, lest I get a bad name of being unkind and unrighteous, and make people laugh at me." In this way, the groom was saved. People often say that one step forward of the truth may become a fallacy, and in the same way, a little extension of the opposite may become the opposite of the opposite - the front.The effect of counter-telling is often much better than that of serious rejection, persuasion and preaching. In work and life, as long as someone makes a request to you, he usually has some troubles or worries in his heart, worrying about whether you will refuse immediately, and whether you will show him face. Therefore, before you decide to refuse, you must first listen to what he has to say.A better way is to ask the other party to explain their situation and needs more clearly, so that you know how to help him.Then show him that you understand his difficulty, as you would if you were in the same situation. Listening can make the other person feel respected, and when you tactfully express your rejection position, it can also avoid his feeling of being hurt, or avoid making people feel that you are dealing with it.If your refusal is due to excessive workload, listening can allow you to clearly define whether the other party's request is your job and whether it is included in your current focus.Maybe after you listen carefully to his opinion, you will find that assisting him can help you improve your work ability and experience.At this time, under the principle of doing a good job at the present job, sacrificing a little of your leisure time to assist the other party will be helpful to your career. Another advantage of listening is that although you reject him, you can advise him on how to obtain an appropriate solution to his situation.If you can put forward effective suggestions or alternatives, the other party will also appreciate you, and even find more appropriate support under your guidance to achieve twice the result with half the effort. In addition to offering alternative suggestions when refusing, you also need to take the initiative to care about the other party's situation after a period of time.Sometimes rejection is a long process, and the other party will make the same request from time to time.If you can turn passive into active care for the other party, and let the other party understand your difficulties and position, you can reduce the embarrassment and impact of rejection.Rejection requires not only skill, but also patience and care from the heart.If it's just perfunctory, the other party can actually see it.This can make people think that you are not a sincere person, which can be very harmful to relationships. In short, as long as you listen to the other party's expression sincerely, and then say "no", the other party will definitely understand your difficulties. Pay attention to strategy when asking people to do things, and pay more attention to strategies when rejecting people, otherwise the word "rejection" will add a lot of trouble to your life. The Japanese master of success, Toho Hui, once said such a thing. During the student movement in the late 1960s in Japan, a group of student movement activists broke into the classroom of a certain university during the class, making the professor at a loss what to do. .In front of the students in the class, the professor wanted to show a little tolerance and understanding demeanor, so he decided to listen to what the students had to say before trying to persuade them.The result was completely contrary to his good intentions. The students took advantage of the momentum to ask him many questions, messed up the class, and never attended a class again.And after that, as long as he was in class, radical students would appear in class, and it continued like this for a year. From this lesson, the professor realized a rule, that is, if he has no intention of accepting the other party, it is best not to try to persuade him, and the other party should stop him as soon as he speaks: "You are obstructing the teaching, get out of the classroom quickly, it has nothing to do with the classroom Let’s talk about it after class?” If the same thing happened again, would the professor be able to handle it?Even if he shows a refusal attitude, the students will attack him without hesitation. If you don't listen to the students' questions at all, and stop talking at the beginning, at least you won't give the other party an opportunity to take advantage of it, and you won't make trouble. I have to take a bad class for a year! A young man named Kim Rokuro visited Soichiro Honda and wanted to sell him a piece of real estate.Honda Soichiro listened to Jin Rokuro's speech very seriously, but did not speak for the time being.After listening to Jinrokuro's statement, Soichiro Honda did not give a direct answer of "buy" or "don't buy".Instead, he picked up something like fiber on the table, showed it to Jinrokuro, and said: "Do you know what this is?" "I don't know." Jin Liulang replied. "This is a newly discovered material, and I want to use it to make the shell of Honda Soichiro's car." Soichiro Honda explained it to Jin Rokuro in detail for fifteen minutes.He talked about the origin and benefits of this new type of car manufacturing material, and also sincerely talked about what kind of new design he planned for next year's car.These contents made Jin Rokuro puzzled, but he felt very happy. When Soichiro Honda sent Kinrokuro away, he just said by the way that he didn't want to buy his piece of land.If Soichiro Honda had told Jinrokuro his thoughts from the beginning, Jinrokuro would have asked about it and tried his best to persuade Soichiro Honda to buy the land.This is the reason why Soichiro Honda didn't say it directly, and he didn't want to argue with Jin Rokuro about it.When rejecting a proposal, it is best to use an abstract statement that does not touch on the specific content of the topic.