Chapter 42 don't demand others

If you want to be happy and loved, don't be demanding, don't expect to be rewarded, just give silently. Recently, in Texas, I met a businessman who was angry about something.Someone told me that within 15 minutes of knowing each other, he will tell you everything.Sure enough, I learned that the incident that irritated him had happened 11 months ago, but he was still so angry that he couldn't help talking about it—he sent a total of 1 to 34 employees. $10,000 year-end bonus, but did not receive any thanks. "I'm so sorry," he said sharply, "that I shouldn't have given them a dime."

The ancient sages once said: "An angry person is always full of resentment in his heart." This person's heart is full of resentment, and I deeply sympathize with that.He is about 60 years old. According to the calculation of the life insurance company, we can live to be a little more than two-thirds of the gap between 60 and 80 years old. Fifteen years, but he wasted almost a year complaining about a thing that has long passed.I really sympathize with him. Instead of wallowing in resentment and self-pity, he should ask himself, why on earth is no one grateful for him?Maybe he usually pays employees too low a salary, and makes them take on too much work; maybe in their view, the year-end bonus is not a gift, but their labor income; maybe he is usually too harsh on people, not enough. He is kind, so no one dares to express his gratitude; people may even think that the reason why he pays the year-end bonus is to avoid taxes.

On the other hand, those employees may be really selfish, mean, and rude.One way or another, we don't know what the truth is, but I do know that Dr. Johnson once said: "Gratitude is the result of good education, and it is invisible to ordinary people." The reason for saying this is because this person wants others to be grateful to him, which is a common shortcoming of ordinary people, and it can even be said that he does not understand human nature at all. If you save someone's life, don't you want him to thank you?of course.But Sam Liebowitz was a well-known criminal lawyer before he became a judge. He once saved the lives of 78 people from the electric chair.Guess how many of them would be grateful to Sam Liebowitz, even if it was to send a Christmas card?how many?Exactly, not a single one!

Jesus once healed 10 lepers in one afternoon, but how many of those people came to thank them?only one.Read the "Gospel of Luke", when Jesus turned around and asked his disciples: "Where did the other nine go?" It turned out that the nine people disappeared without even thanking them.Here's a question I want to ask you: Why do you and I—or that businessman in Texas—do a little favor and expect more thanks than Jesus Christ? When money is involved, there is even less hope.Charles Shuwanbo once told me about the time when he rescued a bank teller who was embezzling.That person embezzled public funds to speculate in stocks, and Shu Wanbo filled the shortfall with his own money so that he would not be punished.Did the cashier appreciate him?True, once expressed gratitude for a short time, but turned around and began to insult and criticize Shu Wanbo - a man who saved him from prison.

If you gave a relative $1 million, would you expect him to be grateful to you?Andrew Carnegie did just that.But if he could rise from the grave, he would be surprised to find that relative was abusing him.why?Because Carnegie donated $365 million to public charities—his relatives chided him for "giving a measly $1 million." There is nothing to do, people are people after all, and I am afraid that there will not be any fundamental changes in their lifetime.So why not accept this fact?Why not face reality like that wise Arius who ruled the Roman Empire?He once wrote in his diary: "Today I am going to meet those talkative people, those who are selfish, self-centered, and ungrateful. But I am neither surprised nor sad, because I cannot imagine a person without such the human world."

This remark is very reasonable.Who is to blame if you spend your days blaming others for their lack of gratitude?Is it strange that human nature is like this, or is it because we don’t understand human nature?If we do not reciprocate our kindness, there will be a kind of pleasant surprise to be appreciated by others by chance; of course, if we do not get it, we will not be sad about it. Here is the first point I want to make in this chapter: It is human nature to forget to appreciate others so easily that if we do a little favor and hope that others will be grateful, it will give us a headache all day .

I know a woman in New York who often complains of being alone, and that none of her relatives or friends want to approach her.No wonder, if you visited her, she would go on and on for hours about how good she was to her nieces, how she cared for them when they had measles, mumps and whooping cough.For a long time, she fed and fed one of them, helped one through business school, and lived in her home until the other was married. Have the nieces ever visited her?Yes, I will come occasionally, but just to fulfill a little responsibility.They were terribly afraid to visit her, because it meant sitting for hours, listening to her babble and oblique curses, her endless whining and self-pitying sighs.In the end, when the woman was unable to coerce her niece into visiting her again, she invented a "magic weapon" - a heart attack.

Did she really have a heart attack?Indeed, the doctor said that she had a "very nervous heart" to develop hyperpalpitations.But doctors also said there was nothing they could do and that her problems were purely emotional. What this woman really needs is love and attention, but in her view, it is "gratitude".She asks for it, she thinks she deserves it.Because of this, she may never be truly grateful and loved. The world is full of women like her.They were sickened by "the ingratitude of others", loneliness and neglect.They long for love, however, the only way to be loved in this world is not to demand, but to give without expecting anything in return.

These words sound unrealistic. Is it too idealistic?of course not.It's just basic common sense, a recipe for making you and me happy.This happened to me in my home.When I was a child, my family was very poor and I was always in debt, but my parents always tried to donate some money and goods to the orphanage every year.The orphanage is in Iowa, but my parents have never been there, and probably no one ever thanked them for their donations--except for letters--but they were paid very well, That's the joy of helping orphans, and never hoping or waiting for others to appreciate it. After leaving home, I would send my parents a check every Christmas, hoping they would buy something nice, but they wouldn't do it.Usually when I got home a few days before Christmas, my father would always tell me that they had bought some coal and groceries for some "poor women" in town - people who had too many children and no money to buy food or firewood.In giving these gifts, they get a lot of happiness - the kind of happiness that only gives without expecting anything in return.

I believe parents qualify to be what Aristotle idealized—the happiest kind of person.Aristotle once said: "The ideal person is the kind of person who enjoys giving favors to others and is ashamed of others favoring himself. Showing his kindness is superior to others; accepting favors from others is often inferior to others. " Here is the second point I want to make: we want to be happy without thinking of gratitude or ungratefulness, but with the joy of giving. For thousands of years, many parents have always been heartbroken by their children's ungratefulness. Even Shakespeare's King Lear exclaimed: "An ungrateful child is more vicious than a viper's tooth."

But why should children be grateful?Unless we teach them to do that.Ingratitude is the nature of human beings, spreading like weeds, but gratitude is like a rose, which must be fertilized and watered diligently, and given enough education, love and protection. Who is to blame if our children are ungrateful?We are to blame.How can we expect them to be grateful to us if we have never taught them how to be grateful? I once knew a man in Chicago who often complained about his ungrateful stepson.Its complaints are not entirely without reason.He married a widow who asked him to borrow money to support her two sons through college.He works in a carton factory and earns less than 40 yuan a week. He has to buy food, clothes, fuel, pay rent, and pay off debts.In this way, he worked hard like a coolie for 4 years, but never complained. Does anyone thank him?No, the wife takes it for granted, and so do the two precious stepsons.They never felt that they owed their stepfather anything, not even a thank you. Who can be blamed?Blame the kids?good.But it was the mother who was more to blame.In her opinion, there should be no need to add too much "guilt" to the two young people.She didn't want her two sons to be "owed to people in the first place," so it never occurred to her to say, "Your stepfather is such a nice guy, he helped you through college." Should do." She thought that doing so would be good for the growth of her two sons, but in fact, it was tantamount to giving her children the beginning of their life, creating a dangerous notion that the whole world owed her.It was a dangerous notion, and one of her two sons ended up in jail when he tried to "borrow a little money" from his boss. Therefore, we must keep in mind that a child's behavior is entirely caused by the parents.Another example: My aunt never thought her children would be "thankful" to her.When I was young, I remember that my aunt brought my mother into the house and took care of my mother-in-law at the same time.Now that I close my eyes, I still clearly remember the scene of the two old ladies sitting in front of the fireplace in my aunt's farm.Will they cause trouble to my aunt?of course.But you can't see any trouble in her words or actions.For the two old ladies, she obeyed them, pampered them, and let them spend their old age very comfortably.In addition to the two elderly people, the aunt also has to take care of 6 children.But she never felt that there was anything special about what she did, nor did she expect to win praise from others for bringing two old ladies into her home.In her mind, this is a very natural thing, and it is also her duty, and it is something she likes to do. How is your aunt now?After she has been widowed for more than 20 years, her five children have grown up and formed five small families. Everyone is vying to live with their mother.The children all admired her very much and were unwilling to leave her no matter what.Is this gratitude?No, it's love - pure love.These children were deeply influenced by love in their own childhood. Now that the situation is reversed, there is nothing surprising about their ability to give love. So please remember: If you want to cultivate children who know how to repay you, you must first practice it yourself.Watch our words and deeds; remember not to despise in the presence of children the favors that have been done to us.Never say: "Look at the Christmas presents Cousin Sue gave us. She hooked up these tablecloths herself. It didn't cost her a dime." Go inside.