Chapter 2 90 love songs

 I was born in 1990. It's a girl. For a long time, I have always wanted to write about myself. Although I am not so confident, I don't take it seriously. However, when Ding Mei, editor-in-chief of Shenzhen Special Economic Zone Education, said to me, "You can write about yourself——I am a girl, Zhang Xini's edition", I was dumbfounded.Yes, I was blindsided!When I strictly examine myself, I can't find my own characteristics. I love reading?Love to write?Love computers?Or love to be the editor-in-chief of the school magazine "Sail"?In this semester, I published a total of more than a dozen essays, and built three websites without sleep for two days and one night; I won 11 awards in total, 5 for literature and 6 for computers; but my ears are not good, and I am afraid of the English listening test , afraid of convoluted math problems, afraid of not having time...everything is messed up!

Am I making a statistical report? Who am I?Is it just some happy awards and some unhappy test scores? ! The talented painter Picasso said: "If we already know what we want to do, why do we still do it? Because if we know it, it is meaningless. It is better to do something else." Maybe he's right. Then, let me make some naive and casual descriptions of my feelings about my short life of less than thirteen years! The thing that made me happiest in 2002 was that I received many letters from friends expressing appreciation for my naughty personality and my immature works! 2003 has just begun... I really want to work hard, excellent in all aspects, perfect in every way!

But is that still me? !I'm self-aware, I know, it's impossible. I remember that when I was 10 years old, I published my first article in "SAR Education", which was called "Who Am I". I think my personality is very special, and even makes people feel a little "split"-sometimes, I am very like a child of my age, such as loving to eat, play, and mother; sometimes I seem to be just A grown-up thinks, reads, and fantasizes like a grown-up, like an old and serious philosopher. There are times when I feel like I'm a girl, and there are times when I'm genuinely skeptical about gender.am i a girlThe role of gender is not very clear here!Maybe my gender consciousness hasn't awakened yet.Sometimes I sit quietly in the classroom and think about——

OK, boys are bald; girls are long hair!  I was born in 1990. In the year full of sorrow and ecstasy at the end of the century, the old people were a little afraid of the new century, and the young people were a little surprised and longing for another century.But anyway, all the old days passed smoothly. Those of us born in the 90s have all entered school one after another, and most of them are still in elementary schools, while some of the children born in the early 90s like me have already entered junior high school. Six years—six years of high school to go!We're going our separate ways!Maybe some of them have entered prestigious universities, some have gone abroad, some have worked, and some have succeeded their parents as bosses, right? !Life will soon have an answer.

The grown-ups said: If it’s done well, we’ll be their pocket money; if it’s not done well, we’ll be their unpaid debts! In our era, jobs are becoming more and more expensive, and because most of us are only children, children born in the 90s have great responsibilities. They must study hard, take exams, enter higher schools, and learn various skills... We seem to be unhappy, panting Rough, I didn't know what is called a child since I was a child. "We are all happy, happy life is like spring ("Faust" chorus of children who died and ascended to heaven)." I really envy my parents' generation!When they were young, they didn’t have to suffer from going to school. They had many sisters, so they didn’t have to worry about their responsibilities to their parents. When they grew up, they could justifiably shift the responsibility for their failure to the catastrophe. The mistakes of the times, and the high-sounding firm belief that each of them will be outstanding-if they are not delayed by the catastrophe!

"Father, tell us, where are we floating? Good man, tell us, who are we?! (Chorus of dead infants from Faust)" Alas, I am so glad that we were not born in the age that our parents went through!  I was born in 1990. It may be because my parents were over-reflecting at the time, and I was too rational when I was born. When children of the same age were still rolling on the floor asking for toys, I was always thinking about how to save some money for the family. My parents gave me 50 cents pocket money, and I actually bought a bundle of old cabbage to go home! When I seemed to be able to understand the words, there was an old saying that was always smashed into my head countless times by adults with infinitely gratified expressions: "Young people, you are catching up!"

And when I could really understand the words, every time I was full after eating and drinking, my young heart began to think heavily: "Young students, what have we caught up with?!" Some of the children I was born in that year had a special status, and the country assigned a unified number to us: only child!It is estimated that my parents were too afraid of losing their jobs back then, so I have not had a D and half M so far.I caught up with loneliness and responsibility!Due to a medical accident, I was deaf in both ears and had difficulty communicating...and for more than ten years, no gods have been willing to come down to help me with my "ears"!

Q (Look), I caught up again! Later, although my parents were honest and hardworking, they still had to go south to survive, but the citizens who came to this place had different rights due to different identities... We only had temporary residence permits. QQ, I also caught up with this! It is not easy for children with temporary hukou to go to school. It seems that the children have to bear the responsibility when the parents move places.Most of the borrowers have low self-esteem, depression, and deep doubts about their identities and future prospects, such as whether they will be able to participate in the key points and advance to the high school entrance examination, and the tuition fees are high.

K (look), I caught up again! Later, my parents' income was not stable, and they had to give me treatment, running around, moving here and there, feeling irritable, quarreling... KK, I caught up again! Due to deafness and difficulty in language communication, I didn't have many friends since I was a child. As long as I can remember, in my lonely childhood memory, how to understand the world and entertain myself has become the biggest problem!I have tried various methods, lying on the window every day to watch the sunrise and sunset, watching the clouds and flowing water, watching the stars and the moon, coaxing myself to sleep, and also trying to play a few games of checkers and military chess with myself every day, but none of this solved the problem.

Ah Q, ah K, I caught up with them all!  I was born in 1990. My parents said to me: Young girl, thank you for catching up!When you catch up, you can live temporarily, you can borrow books when you catch up, you can move around when you catch up, you can choose when you catch up, and you can come to Shenzhen, the most avant-garde city in China, instead of being nailed to your hometown like your parents and their vegetative people. We catch up with some good days! My parents' eyes are always looking back, but mine are always looking forward!Although the road is bumpy and the future is uncertain, we animals that can roam around are still happy!

I hate painting the ground as a prison! We finally learned: If you think you're unlucky, you are; if you're a whiner, you're a whiner!If you are strong yourself and think life is happy and happy, you will be!If you don't bow to fate, fate will bow to you! Hope is still there.Tomorrow will be fine. OK, I really caught up! Since I have successfully learned to read, I have finally found a good way of life, which is to read, think, observe, write, and find out the difference between things, but I really don't want to "happily pursue truth and miserably lose Mistakes for life"! So, for a while, I was fascinated by such strange and tongue-tied things as life and the origin of man! In the past few years, I have read "The Bible", "Nuwa", "Complete Book of Mothers and Babies"; in recent years, I have read "Book of Changes", "Lao Tzu", "Lu Shi Chunqiu", "Sun Tzu's Art of War", and the terrifying "Human Anatomy Chart" "Relativity" and "Universe in a Nutshell", which are hard to understand in recent days, and Goethe's masterpiece "Faust" and "Beyond Life and Death" which have not explored the meaning of existence after sixty years of effort of. I really want to understand the world around us!Understand life, understand yourself, understand why life exists, understand the relationship between spirit and body, and the difference between a nerd and a genius! I love to sit on a high place and think, listen to mothers tell stories about life and death, stories about elves, gods, ghosts and ghosts who are obviously deceptive but very beautiful and attractive; and learn fortune-telling from adults Reading palmistry, listening to classmates relishing rumors that there is a mysterious girl complaining about ghosts and crying in the women's toilet... I read newspapers, surf the Internet, go to chat rooms, and also to forums, but no one gave me a convincing answer. The answer to your life! Perhaps, this is just a temporary mischief of the curious nature of children! For yourself, for others, and for the environment. However, I really don't want to be just a bookworm!A pitiful little bug gnawing on the pile of books!I want to learn while using, while creating, while enjoying life.  I was born in 1990. Perhaps, I have just been able to open my eyes and look around the world! When I was learning to speak and was still a little bird, I couldn't express the world I knew in my limited language, so I naturally chose graffiti. An accidental opportunity made me crawl to my father's computer. At that time, I couldn't type, so I used the mouse to click Windows and its learning programs and was immediately fascinated by its magic!Especially when I discovered the program "Paintbrush", I became crazy about computers!When I did my first graffiti with a computer instead of a pen and paint, a miracle happened: I made a colorful picture in just a few minutes! At that time, I thought it was my greatest genius discovery, and I was intoxicated and excited by this discovery for a long time... So, my love for computers was developed, and in that quarter of an hour, I knew very clearly: No matter where I go in this life, I will never leave the computer! Later, I used the computer to draw a thick stack of computer drawings!And named it - "The World I See". Picasso said that he was able to paint like an ancient master when he was a teenager, but he spent his whole life learning how to paint like a child. He said he didn't know what avant-garde is, and he did it a hundred years ago. Nothing is taboo. Picasso said: "Contrary to music, there is no so-called genius in painting. The precocious genius that is generally considered to be a child's original ability, this ability will decay with age. Maybe this child will become a painter, and it is Great painter, but he had to start from scratch." He added: "I hate repeating myself. I'm wildly wandering around, floating here and there. When you see me here, I'm somewhere else. I'm never fixed, so I have no style." Many heavyweight artists have changed the way of observing the world because of him.He is synonymous with genius, but after seeing his paintings, many people will wonder who is the art idiot, he or himself. He married twice in his life and had at least five other lovers.Among these seven women, one died of illness, one had a mental breakdown, and two committed suicide.His name is Picasso.With a pure heart and extraordinary energy, he tried to retain the lost youth. So, according to Picasso's point of view, "The World I See", what do these childlike innocence have seen?I see everything in the world!Everything I touched: "Life and Circle", "Gourd Water", "Earth",,, "Mom", "Qin", "Peasant Girl"... There is no technique, no pretense, and no deliberation, completely Is a child's natural gaze! Maybe so far I have never had a formal teacher to learn painting, which is a wrong thing in my life!But when I use my heart to make these pictures vivid, I can even find passion in them, enough shock to the soul!Life and the world, matter and spirit, humanity and animal nature, are so close!Perfect combination, adhering to nature.  I was born in 1990. The world I see is natural! Since I went to middle school—Shenzhen Donghu Middle School, I like computers more.Maybe it's because Bill, the world's richest man, and I went to the same middle school with the word "lake"? ! Later, I came into contact with FlashMX!This magical multimedia vector animation design software!It not only allows people to draw beautiful patterns, but also allows them to move and create exciting flash animations!This magical software is like the computer I first came into contact with, and it attracted me like a magnet!Moreover, I believe that I will become a "flasher"!whee. In the first Science and Technology Information Festival in Luohu District, the teacher asked me to participate, so I posted these computer works on my "New Hope Website" and took them out. Unexpectedly, I won a third prize. The judges' comments on it are: a group of computer painting works "The World I See" and other PowerPoint works made by computer, the capacity is very large.Each individual work is very readable, fluent, and easy to read; the proportion of pictures and texts is arranged reasonably, in line with the cognitive rules of students of all ages... There is only one word for my New Hope website: excellent! I was encouraged and I loved computers even more.Suddenly I realized: Bill Gates, the son of Seattle in the United States, was in the computer room of "Lakeside Middle School", why he was crazy about the machine that didn't have a monitor by accident!Why does the computer have so much temptation for this genius child! Perhaps Picasso has passed away in today's world, and the talented painters of the future must have the assistance of computers!A new world calls for new art!Computer - this machine is no longer cold to human beings, and it is like life. Computers seem to have spirits, and they are the only objects in the inorganic world that can simulate spirits! Perhaps the concept of life should be rewritten from then on, or it should be said that the real "god" in this world—man, the highly combined substance of body and spirit, will not rely on the body, and the day has come to create life with new materials! From then on, philosophy, anthropology and biology will be rewritten. "The noble members of the spiritual world have been rescued from the hands of demons. We can save those who continue to work hard ("Faust" angel song)." Life leaps out of its fragility and bursts with vitality everywhere!But I meditated alone, feeling deeply afraid of my thoughts! At that time, gender distinction may only become history.In the era of man-made humans, what kind of life will the girl Zhang Xini be?hehe. "No, Dad! How are you? (In Faust, the android speaks to the genius Wagner in a bottle)" I was born in 1990. If you "unfortunately" came into the world in the 1990s and became interested in something, it means that you are obsessed with it and love it!No matter when and where, you will be tempted by its beauty, and you can't help but obey its call! Sometimes I really feel that this world is very strange and strange! Why are we human?Why are there two sexes?Are there men and women, boys and girls?Why were we born in 1990 and not any other time? Why can't we choose our original life, gender and the kind and form of life? ! We have a lot of confusion. Maybe just a lot of joy.There may be hunger.Maybe there is helplessness and struggle; maybe we will always be happy, innocent and happy forever!Maybe we really want to choose our own environment, our own destiny! We live in the world we see, interacting with people. We cry, we are happy, we love... The seven emotions and six desires are us, and the pure-hearted and ascetic are also us! Hearing and seeing make us grow up, and knowledge makes us know ourselves! However, sometimes we are also tired of some difficulties, tired of the world, tired of ourselves, tired of being a boy or a girl... So, we try to keep a distance from everyone in this world, we want to renew Choose once! But I don't think it's possible, at least I can't choose my past life! I was born in 1990, a girl, a natural Zhang Xini, called this name, born in this family, my ears were deaf by fate... However, neither my life nor my history can be rewritten! I don't want to choose the past, I just want to build in the future world! Goethe's final conclusion on "wisdom" is: "One must strive for life and freedom every day, so that he is worthy of the enjoyment of life and freedom!" Where have you come, only where to start!  I was born in 1990. Children born in the 90s are very concerned about where they live. When we were young, we had no choice, maybe it was just a stupid idea of ​​our parents, which doomed our fate for the rest of our lives, the miserable world was with us, no hope, no art, far away from education, school and friends... From then on, we struggled in the bottom life .So we want to change this fate all our lives, and correct our own path amidst helplessness and sighs! However, the path traveled cannot be corrected! Where it ends, only where it begins! Thanks to 1990, thank my parents for giving birth to me! And took me to Shenzhen, a very ideal place to live! Maybe you still pray for your ideal gender, and don't know whether to blame your parents or yourself! Perhaps you have always lived with deep self-blame, whining, and regret. Maybe you have become numb before you think about it, and you are too lazy to fight and stop working hard for life and ideals.Maybe life is always leading you by the nose.For this I am deeply ashamed!Because, we shouldn't worry about unnecessary things! "Open up territories for thousands of people, although they are not yet stable, they can move and live freely! Free people live in free land... You are so beautiful, please pause ("Faust" Faust died time language)!" At the most beautiful moment, our lives will be exiled and reincarnated!  I was born in 1990. I'm a girl, Sydney Zhang! It was only in the 1990s that I came to this world to report.I am still a deaf person with unsound senses, but I am deeply grateful--life!Being human is the greatest and happiest luck in my life! I am the primate of all things.I write.I paint.I fiddle with the computer. I admire Van Gogh.He can use his life like that! By the time he reached Al, he was close to breaking point, physically and mentally.However, he painted most of the masterpieces in his life at the speed of one painting a day in Arles: sunflowers, bedrooms in the blue starry sky, olive trees, crows in wheat fields, sunrise in the field, self-portraits with ears cut off, etc. Died on the land he loved. It seems that Van Gogh's lifelong efforts were just to find a cemetery for himself. And James Joyce.The Dubliner with a stomachache spent his life searching for a place to write great novels. "Ireland, it sickens me," he says of his birthplace and his choice of future life. Some people are content with their inner peace, without any storm in their hearts, and finally die like a lovely farmer on the land they love.Like Miller. Miller took a bunch of his lovely children to farm and paint. He painted the stubble, the grass, the shadow of the hut, the sun in spring, and the peasant girl who was obedient and silent like a lamb. If we live too confused, too silent, it will disappear by itself! The geese leave their voices, and the people leave their names.Life must have traces of life!  I was born in 1990. We are human beings together, and we live in the same world together. "All impermanent affairs are nothing more than a metaphor... Unsatisfactory things are often nine out of ten... Now that they have come true, they have become articles ("Faust" mysterious chorus)!" One cannot love eternal emptiness! If you're bored and can make yourself disappear, why not disappear as soon as possible? ! Like Rousseau, disappearing from Paris, retreating to his hermitage, writing wonderful. This city belongs to the unrepentant.There is no sin in life, no regrets.Pure as a white dream, it is an angel - a child born in the 90s! Our flickering, flickering wings. Because of its purity, it is transparent, it is naked. We didn't even have time to distinguish our roles, we didn't have a sense of gender, and we only read about love in books.Sometimes we are very clear about what we are doing, and feel more and more NB than everyone else; sometimes thinking makes us deformed, exaggerating our behavior, and we can no longer see ourselves clearly. Sometimes we feel inferior and look down on ourselves. After all, we are still young and do not know the depth of life!We are still children, games are our paradise, hypocrisy is our enemy!Sly will eat us!We don't even know how to use color, how to embellish life! If you get bored early, if you disappear at this time, you really disappear just right! However, this world will not disappear! I'm a girl, I'm Sydney Zhang! I live in a world that we all can see, always looking for joy, passion, beauty and creativity. Fate has deprived me of my hearing!However I don't want to give up!I love life and don't want to hold back!The painting is "The World I See"; the writing is "If I Were Helen Keller"; the Internet is "New Hope Website". I don't want to be a depressed hostage to my own life! I don't want my precious life to end up just a bunch of stupid "proteins", or an ugly "big dinosaur"!Although I'm just an ugly duckling.My companions laughed at me.The little girl who feeds the ducks keeps kicking me with her big, dirty, smelly feet.Only my mother loves me.However, my mother and her old man are still just a mere duck! Perhaps, when the lilacs bloom, I will find that I have turned into a beautiful white swan from the shadow of the lake water!I really want to have a long life, a beautiful and healthy life!How much time and energy to do more for everyone in this world. I really want to be a wonderful brand! Hehe, don't laugh—— Parents give us names, build our own brand!