Chapter 7 where love begins

With the support of his daughter, son-in-law, relatives and friends, Ba Jin came to the mortuary of the hospital. It was midsummer, and the morgue was also hot.Fortunately, Xiao Shan has not yet been pushed into the freezer in the mortuary. She was quietly lying on a stretcher. Apparently, just a few quarters of an hour ago, the nurses carried her dying wife out of the ward and came here. The place where yin and yang are separated. "Yunzhen, I'm here!" Ba Jin entered the door and saw that the stretcher was placed on the concrete floor only a few meters away from the freezer, and Xiao Shan's disfigured corpse had been wrapped in a thick layer of white cloth by the nurses Sheets, he could no longer see her face.Ba Jin fell down in front of his wife's stretcher with a thud. He wanted to take a last look at Xiao Shan who had passed away, but he couldn't do it now.He never dreamed that his beloved wife who had been in love for eight years and lived together for more than thirty spring and autumn years would lose even the chance to take a look at her in the end.He didn't know why Xiao Shan left in such a hurry that he lost the chance to meet him at last.

Thinking of Xiao Shan's illness, Ba Jin's heart was full of bitterness.He knew that if he hadn't gone to Fengxian Cadre School, if he hadn't been labeled as a "literary and artistic black-line cadre", if he still had personal freedom as before, Xiao Shan would never have ended up where he is today. Ba Jin remembered that after he went to the Fengxian May 7th Cadre School, the entire small building on Wukang Road was handed over to Xiao Shan alone.The burden of such a big family is placed on the shoulders of a weak woman, what kind of pressure it will be!He knew that it was not easy for Xiao Shan, especially when she knew that she could not pass the inspection in Fengxian Cadre School, Xiao Shan was always worried about him.As long as he returned to Shanghai from Fengxian, Xiao Shan always asked him the first thing: "When will your problem be solved? Can the inspection be passed?..."

Ba Jin would always give her a wry smile at this time, deliberately pretending to be indifferent, and said: "Yunzhen, you don't have to worry about me, my problem will be resolved sooner or later." Xiao Shan said hopefully : "I hope that day will come sooner, why does it take so long?" Ba Jin could do nothing about it.He knew Xiao Shan's deep and sincere feelings for him. They were a pair of heart-to-heart friends back then, after eight long marathon runs in spring, autumn, winter and summer, they finally got together.This kind of feeling is of course different from the marriages formed by the orders of parents and the words of matchmakers in Ba Jin's works.Although before he went to Guangzhou in 1938, Xiao Shan had secretly expressed her love to Ba Jin, and said that as long as he came back from Guangzhou, she would bring him to her mother to complete their final process from falling in love to getting married: Her mother's last plea.

However, Ba Jin knows that for him and Xiao Shan, the success of marriage does not lie in the attitude of the parents, but in whether he and she have condensed into a sincere love.To a certain extent, his marriage with Xiao Shan is a relatively new love affair in modern China.The final union between them is completely a matter of course. Because Xiao Shan's mother did not become an obstacle to the final union of the trendy lovers.This is because Ba Jin was moved by the unexpected enlightenment of the old man.Xiao Shan's mother was satisfied with Ba Jin when they met for the first time. She didn't follow the red tape of the old era and asked Ba Jin to do something he didn't like to do; she didn't let her daughter obey the family rules. In the end, you can marry your daughter with great fanfare.At that time, the old lady only invited Ba Jin and Xiao Shan to have a light meal in the restaurant, and then the marriage was settled without hesitation.

Since then, Ba Jin has become Xiao Shan's veritable fiancé.Of course, Ba Jin is a well-behaved person, and his kindness and self-respect have won Xiao Shan's trust.He persisted with her until 1944 before ending the long love race. Thinking of Xiao Shan and his past, Ba Jin felt extremely sad.Especially in the days after he went to Fengxian Cadre School, it broke his heart even more.He knew that although Xiao Shan lived in Shanghai, she was always thinking about herself who was far away in Fengxian.From time to time, she would inquire about Ba Jin's recent situation from acquaintances who had returned to Shanghai from Fengxian.When Xiao Shan heard that Ba Jin was writing the inspection in the cadre school, and when he came home again, Xiao Shan would keep asking him: "How is your inspection? When will you be able to figure out your problem?"

"Don't worry, hurry up." At that time, Ba Jin didn't know what to do, and he didn't know that he had been inspected four or five times, but every time he couldn't pass the "Worker Propaganda Team".Seeing that his wife was still so concerned about this matter while she was ill, he could only smile wryly and say, "I think it might be resolved after one or two more checks." Seeing that his face was calm, Xiao Shan felt a little better, but she suddenly sighed to Ba Jin and said, "Oh, I'm afraid I won't be able to wait for that time!"

Ba Jin didn't know Xiao Shan's illness at that time, but thinking about it now, Xiao Shan may have already noticed the severity of this serious illness, and she seemed to have foreseen that she would die soon.Even so, Ba Jin still couldn't accept his wife's sudden death. He bent down, caressed the dead body, and cried out mournfully, "Yunzhen, Yunzhen, wake up, wake up!..." However, Xiao Shan never woke up again. Ba Jin sat silently on the stone steps outside the mortuary. There were mournful cries behind him. They were Xiao Shan's relatives and friends who came over after hearing the news. They were as shocked by the sudden death of this virtuous woman as Ba Jin was.Especially the cries of his daughter Xiao Lin made Ba Jin even more distressed. From his daughter, he thought of his son Xiao Tang who was still undergoing isolation treatment in the infectious disease department, and the tragic death of his mother Xiao Shan. Although he was close at hand, he could not know about it.Of course, it is impossible for the son to come out at this time and cry loudly in front of the mother's body to show his filial piety.

"I really didn't expect Yunzhen to leave just like that!" Ba Jin sat there blankly, his eyes straightened.He has been sitting here alone for a long time, and he still cannot accept the cold reality in front of him.Standing by his side was Xiao Shan's cousin, she wiped away her tears with a desolate expression, she was the only one waiting by Xiao Shan's side before she died.Seeing Ba Jin sitting there in a daze, she kept persuading him beside him: "If a person is dead, he cannot be resurrected." Ba Jin said to himself blankly: "Damn me, why wasn't I by her side at that time? I didn't say goodbye to her for the last time. I haven't had time to say a lot to her. She can't leave me alone." A last word, just leave me like this! I don’t blame others, only myself, why was I not in the ward at that time? No one in the family was by her side, she died so bleakly!..."

Seeing how sad he was, the cousin said to Ba Jin next to him: "Brother-in-law, don't torture yourself like this anymore. In fact, even if you were by her side at that time, you would not have heard what she said. Because, because my cousin died Even though I was by her side at that time, I still don't know how she died!" After hearing this, Ba Jin hurriedly turned his head, looked at his cousin who was also distraught, and listened quietly to her narration. The cousin told him: Just when Xiao Shan's life was about to come to an end, the summer sunlight outside the window came in through the window, illuminating Xiao Shan's pale face.She didn't eat at noon, and her breathing was more rapid than usual. Just before she was about to die, she suddenly said to her cousin beside her, "Come to the doctor...!"

This is Xiao Shan's last words before she died! "She... only said this sentence?" Ba Jin's heart moved when he heard this. The cousin nodded: "Just this one sentence. I immediately invited the doctor, but when the doctor came, the cousin didn't say anything. Later, she closed her eyes and lay on the bed quietly. She was fast asleep. Where would I have thought that she wasn't sleeping at that time?..." Looking at his cousin who was crying into tears, Ba Jin's heart was bleeding.He knew that Xiao Shan didn't actually ask her cousin to find a doctor at noon, but told her to call him as soon as possible.She must have felt that she had died soon, and she had something to say to Ba Jin.This is because no one is more familiar with Xiao Shan than Ba ​​Jin.She always called Ba Jin "Mr. Li".From the time when she first met at the "Xinya" Hotel in Shanghai in 1936, until today when she passed away, for decades, Xiao Shan has always called Ba Jin like this respectfully.

Therefore, only Ba Jin could understand what Xiao Shan meant before she passed away. Unfortunately, Ba Jin was not around at that time.Their daughter, Xiao Lin, and her son-in-law were also absent because of family affairs.The main situation at that time was that after his son Xiaotang contracted hepatitis, the health and epidemic prevention station in the district heard the news and insisted on calling to send someone to the house on Wukang Road for disinfection in the morning, so the three members of the family had to stay at home. At home, it is impossible to wait by Xiao Shan's side, thus losing the chance to say goodbye to Xiao Shan for the last time.The more Ba Jin thought about it, the more painful he felt in his heart. He never thought that he and Xiao Shan fell in love once, and in the end she left him and his family in such a miserable way. "Yunzhen, didn't you tell me a long time ago that the two of us will never be separated?" Ba Jin was still sitting there blankly thinking about something, but he murmured to himself, "But, who knew you Did you leave alone today?" There was still crying all around, Ba Jin covered his head with his hands, Xiao Shan's shadow appeared in front of his eyes again... "Yunzhen, I don't like mountain alliances and vows. I appreciate that ancient poem: If the two loves last forever, how can they be in the day and night." Another unforgettable picture appeared in front of Ba Jin: the turbid river. The water is rushing forward under the rain like random arrows, and a passenger boat is advancing against the wind in the river.On this passenger ship sailing from Guangzhou to Hankou, there was the young and beautiful Xiao Shan at that time.At that time, she had already confirmed her love relationship with Ba Jin with her mother's permission. It was because of her mother's consent that Xiao Shan was able to go to Guangzhou alone after graduating from Shanghai Patriotic Girls' High School to find the branch office of the Cultural Life Publishing House where she was hosting. Working Bajin. She spent an unforgettable time with Ba Jin in Yangcheng.Although she came as Ba Jin's fiancée, Xiao Shan and Ba Jin couldn't marry early because of the turmoil during the war.It was there that Xiao Shan and Ba Jin began to live a life of respect as guests. Soon, the war became more and more tense, and Guangzhou was in danger of falling to the Japanese at any time. Under such circumstances, Xiao Shan accompanied Ba Jin to Hankou along the Yangtze River. . "I know that war may bring a kind of disaster to all of us. Mr. Li, please rest assured that if it is for our goal of being together forever, I am willing to give up my long-cherished wish to continue studying in college." During their short days in Hankou, they Once followed to the Yellow Crane Tower by the river.Standing here, Ba Jin overlooks the Yangtze River, which stretches thousands of miles away, feeling agitated and excited.The tension before the departure in Guangzhou has eased a little.He felt that Xiao Shan and Xiao Shan had a lot to share with each other. When Xiao Shan faced the increasingly tense reality during the war and was about to give up her ideal of continuing to apply for college for him, Ba Jin immediately objected. He said : "No, Yunzhen, you are still young, and your ambition should never be on me alone. You should have a bigger future. We are only engaged now, and there is still a long way to go between engagement and marriage. I I hope you will not easily change your wishes just because of a momentary emotional impulse." Facing the vast river, Xiao Shan suddenly felt gratitude and respect for Ba Jin.She had been observing him quietly for three years, and she felt that Ba Jin was not only talented and warm-hearted, but also that it was Ba Jin's honest character that made the girl's heart flutter. Ba Jin, who came to Shanghai from his hometown Chengdu in his 20s, is still in his 30s and still not in a hurry to get married because he has embraced celibacy from the very beginning.When Ba Jin was studying in Shanghai and later in Paris and Japan, there were always suitors of the opposite sex around him. However, Ba Jin had a tenacious will and always strictly required himself to stick to his beliefs and stay away from the opposite sex. If he hadn't written this novel at Shanghai Cultural Life Publishing House and met Xiao Shan, a girl from Ningbo by accident, then perhaps he would never have a girlfriend until now.Xiao Shan was Ba Jinping's first girlfriend and also his last girlfriend.Xiao Shan feels lucky that she has finally found a good partner in the chaotic world.She knows that she is 13 years younger than Ba ​​Jin, but she believes in Ba Jin's words: "Age is not an obstacle to love." She also admits that if two hearts admire each other, then even if there are thousands of difficulties and dangers in front of them, they will follow their feelings. deepening and gradually disappearing.Now, when she heard that Ba Jin was willing to postpone the marriage again for her future, Xiao Shan's heart was greatly moved. Guilin, with wonderful mountains and rivers, has become another unforgettable place for Ba Jin and Xiao Shan to stay after their engagement. After returning to Guangzhou from Hankou, the Japanese army has begun to aggressively attack Guangzhou.With the flames of war burning all over Guangdong at any time, Ba Jin took Xiao Shan and the cultural life branch he led to leave Yangcheng, where the flames of war could ignite at any time.Ba Jin knew that his relationship with Xiao Shan was formed under this special historical background. The more Ba Jin got in touch with Xiao Shan, the more he wanted to tell her about his past experience bit by bit.In Ba Jin's eyes, Xiao Shan will always be his little girlfriend and little sister.He thought that if she really lived with Xiao Shan one day, she should know everything about Ba Jin's past.Only in this way can they become heart-to-heart friends. Ba Jin talked with Xiao Shan in Guilin about his experience of returning to Shanghai from abroad.In particular, he told her all his tortuous experiences before and after the Anti-Japanese War: "Yunzhen, the war broke out in Shanghai in 1932. Although I changed my residence, I didn't change my way of life, and I didn't stop writing. The war happened. Then I went to Japan for a trip, because I like Japanese novels and want to learn Japanese, so I lived in Yokohama and Tokyo for a few months. In April of the following year, Puyi visited Tokyo, and the "criminals" took me to Kanda District in the middle of the night. The police station was closed for more than ten hours, and I wrote three short stories based on my experience in a few months, namely "God", "Ghost", and "Human"..." Xiao Shan asked him: "Could it be that you really wanted to learn Japanese at that time?" Ba Jin nodded, then shook his head again: "I like languages ​​of various countries, so I advise you to apply for foreign languages ​​after you go to university in Kunming. Because it is obviously not enough for a person to only be familiar with one's mother tongue. I regret that because I lost my motivation to learn Japanese during the war. Later, I saw that the Japanese invaded China more and more cruelly, so I decided to give up studying Japanese. In August of this year, my friends in Shanghai founded this cultural life publishing house. I was asked to go back to my job as an editor. I was right back. I edited several series, and for twenty years I devoted part of my time and energy to editing and translating literary books. I spent less time writing. , but the enthusiasm in my youth has not diminished, and my pen does not allow me to rest. You know the situation later, after the outbreak of the Anti-Japanese War, I had to leave Shanghai and go to the south. No matter how my life style changed during this period , but my pen has never stopped. My "Torrent Trilogy" was written in this environment. Yun Zhen, you have also seen that I just built a simple "nest" for myself in a city, and I was forced to leave the city empty-handed, and I didn’t take anything with me, but I must bring some manuscript paper. I have to change the way I write when I’m running around in these days.” Ba Jin in Xiao Shan's heart became clearer and clearer.She felt that she did not find the wrong person, she said: "Mr. Li, don't say anything, I already know you very well!..." If it was just an accidental encounter when he met Xiao Shan at the "Xinya" Hotel in Shanghai, then, after traveling all the way in Guangzhou, Hankou and Guilin, he has fallen in love with her deeply from the bottom of his heart.He thought that his fate and that of Xiao Shan had been closely linked from the very beginning.He and she not only have the same personality, interests, and hobbies, but also feel through contact with each other that he and she both need each other's care.As a young female student, Xiao Shan gave Ba Jin meticulous care during the war-torn migration; on the way from Guangzhou to Guilin, Ba Jin was not only responsible for the basic necessities of life of all the staff in the Cultural Life Branch, but also Keep writing.In front of Xiao Shan, Ba Jin has undoubtedly shown all his talents except writing ability.This may be the initial basis for the deepening relationship between the two. The beautiful and beautiful scenery of Guilin cultivated the sentiments of this war-torn couple. Ba Jin remembered that the environment in which they stayed and lived was quite difficult.Although Xiao Shan lived alone all the time, Ba Jin could still feel that she appeared as his closest person.With Xiao Shan by his side, Ba Jin is in a good mood even though the flames of war may reach Guilin at any time.He began to finish the novel "Fire" which he had begun to write while in Shanghai and Guangzhou in Guilin, a temporary paradise during the war.This work is another leap in art after Ba Jin's success. "Mr. Li, I think your "Fire" is more authentic and credible than I imagined." After reading some of the first drafts written by Ba Jin, Xiao Shan couldn't help but admire the unique literary talent of this talented Sichuan scholar. dumped.Originally, Ba Jin's idea of ​​writing "Fire" originated from a conversation between him and Xiao Shan by the Huangpu River.At that time they were just friends. One day, Ba Jin asked Xiao Shan to go to the riverside to enjoy the night view. During the conversation, Xiao Shan told Ba Jin a romantic story.In Xiao Shan's opinion, this was just a casual talk about the past experience, but she didn't expect that it would become a new material for Ba Jin's creation in the future.It wasn't until Xiao Shan came to Guangzhou that she was shocked to find that Ba Jin had written the outline of the story of "Fire" on the manuscript paper.Most of the characters and plots in the future book are not unrelated to the true stories she unintentionally narrated to Ba Jin in Shanghai. Ba Jin later said: "Feng Wenshu in "Fire" is Xiao Shan after the outbreak of the August 13th War. Participating in the Youth Salvation Corps and working as a nurse in the wounded soldier's hospital are Xiao Shan's things. She wrote an article " In the Hospital for Wounded Soldiers,” published under Huizhu’s pseudonym in the weekly Beacon Magazine edited by Mao Dun. I wrote the second chapter of the novel based on her article. This is her personal experience. She was just a high school student at that time. Student, participated in some anti-Japanese and national salvation activities. If it wasn’t because I stayed in Shanghai, she might have joined the field service group and went to the front like Feng Wenshu after the Chinese army withdrew. One of my friend’s aunts was a trainee at Kaiming Bookstore. Later, I joined the Field Service Corps and went to the front, and then went to Yan'an. If Xiao Shan hadn't read my novels, corresponded with me, and if she didn't like me, she wouldn't have stayed in Shanghai, and she would have followed this path Some of her classmates also went to Yan'an in this way. In September 1938, I was eating in a restaurant in Hankou, and I met a Sichuan lesbian named Hu. She used to lead a field service group on the battlefield near Shanghai. However, that day she was also with her ten or twenty regiment members in military uniform, all of them were girls like Feng Wenshu. Seeing those lively and brave girls, I couldn't help but think: If I have materials, I can also write about Feng Wenshu. Activities in the field service group. When I wrote the first part of "Fire", I didn't have such materials at hand, so I only wrote about Feng Wenshu that she joined the service group and left Shanghai in a truck in the "sky full of fire". In early 1941, I lived in Shapingba with a few friends in Chongqing. One of them joined the field work group in 1938 and did propaganda work in the "Fifth War Zone" at that time. We often took walks or sat in teahouses together. At that time, he often talked about his situation in the work group, and I gradually became familiar with some people and things, so I came up with the idea of ​​writing the second part of "Fire": Feng Wenshu can be active in the field work group..." "Yunzhen, if you write this novel, it may be more real and touching than mine." In the mutual discussion, Ba Jin gradually discovered that the literary talent of this female middle school student is much higher than what he thought before. .Xiao Shan's conversation, her views on the characters in the book, her assumptions about the layout and structure of the book, and Xiao Shan's views on the language of the characters all prove that Xiao Shan is by no means the little girl who knew nothing about the world when they met in the "Xinya" restaurant. .How much Ba Jin hoped that Xiao Shan would really start writing like himself, and earnestly put all her feelings about the war into words on paper. Unexpectedly, Xiao Shan immediately shook her hand and said: "No, no, Mr. Li, writing requires not only life accumulation, but also talent and perseverance. I can only write some small drafts, just like writing "In the Hospital for the Wounded" when I was in Shanghai. things; but if I were to engage in the writing of novels, I would definitely be powerless! Besides, how can I have the time to write now?" Ba Jin quickly understood her.He knew that Xiao Shan moved around with their cultural life branch along the way. Xiao Shan, who was going through all kinds of hardships, was not coquettish and arrogant, and she was always working hard for him and everyone.Cooking, washing, fetching water, Xiao Shan insisted on reviewing the courses even if she had some free time. Ba Jin knew that at that time, what she wanted most in her heart was to go to higher education, and Xiao Shan was always working hard to continue to enter the university. "Yunzhen, I agree with you to continue your education. Because you are still young, although there is a war now, the war will end sooner or later. If you don't have real talents and education, it will be difficult for you to do things in society." Ba Jin Seeing Xiao Shan studying her homework so hard, she was very moved.Although the days in Guilin were short, Ba Jin has discovered that the war and turmoil did not affect Xiao Shan's hard pursuit of career and life.What he likes is Xiao Shan's persistent academic spirit. Xiao Shan said: "Thank you sir for understanding me, but although I have studied my homework so hard, I may not be sure that I will have the opportunity to enter the university, because now the war is getting more and more tense, and universities around the world have suspended classes. I heard that Northeastern University has also moved to Sichuan, where will I have the opportunity to take the university entrance examination and study in university?" Ba Jin advised her, "Don't worry, there will always be opportunities." At this time, one day, Ba Jin found an exciting news from "Guilin Daily": "Northeast University Admissions Notice".Ba Jin found out that Northeastern University had moved to the vicinity of Chengdu, Sichuan, and was running a school in his hometown. He never dreamed that in the autumn of 1938, when the war was raging, the Northeastern University run by Zhang Xueliang actually published an article in local newspapers that was completely different from the environment at that time. enlightenment. "Yunzhen, you can be admitted to Northeastern University!" When Ba Jin sent "Guilin Daily" to Xiao Shan who was busy cooking for colleagues in the newspaper office in the temporary residence, he found that this girl who had placed her hopes in further studies since she was a child The female middle school student yearning for progress had a flush of excitement all over her face.She didn't know anything about Northeastern University, she thought about it for a long time, and suddenly jumped up excitedly... "Father, let's go back." Ba Jin was sitting in front of the mortuary door thinking about the past when suddenly his daughter called softly from his side.The old man hurriedly raised his head. He saw his daughter standing beside her with red eyes. He could see that Xiao Shan's sudden death had dealt a heavy blow to all the relatives and friends who lived with Xiao Shan.At this time, he saw many people coming to the mortuary. They were Xiao Shan's relatives and friends whom his son-in-law called.Especially Xiao Shan's younger brother and daughter-in-law, after being shocked by the sad news of Xiao Shan's death, passed out on the spot in front of the deceased's spirit.The sad scene made Ba Jin heartbroken. "Dad, why don't you go home?" The daughter and son-in-law saw that Ba Jin's mental pain was at its peak, and they were worried that if the old man continued to be in this sad atmosphere, if he couldn't stand the stimulation, there would be another accident. .So everyone came to comfort him, hoping that Ba Jin would leave the hospital morgue as soon as possible. "Okay, I'll go back." Ba Jin understood his daughter and son-in-law's mind. He walked a few steps, but came back again.The door of the morgue was not locked yet, and he still wanted to take another look at Xiao Shan's body.Regardless of everyone's dissuasion, Ba Jin staggered over again, and he entered the cold mortuary alone.However, he found that just when he was thinking about things outside, the workers had already sent Xiao Shan's body into the iron cabinet of the cold storage.Now his lonely figure is standing in front of the cold iron cabinet, staring at the closed cabinet door, Ba Jin can no longer control the pain in his heart, he really wants to cry aloud to vent his inner sorrow, However, he opened his mouth and finally did not cry out.