Chapter 5 Xiao Shan's words before her death: "It's better not to lose blood?"

Ba Jin stumbled to the mortuary of Zhongshan Hospital. Just now, on the way from his home to the hospital, he seemed to have stepped into a nightmare again.Xiao Shan's eyes full of sorrow flashed in her mind all the time.She seemed to say to him secretly: "I'm gone, what can you do?" "Yunzhen, what are you talking about? Why are you able to talk and go when you're fine?" He seemed to be still talking to her.During the few days when Xiao Shan was admitted to the hospital, he came to her bedside many times.Sometimes he persuaded her to eat, sometimes he had nothing to do but refused to leave her.Xiao Shan kept persuading him: "Go back, the air here is not good. If you sit here, I feel uneasy."

He said stubbornly, "It's okay, Yunzhen, I'll feel better if I stay with you." She also seemed to see that Ba Jin was nostalgic for herself, so Xiao Shan stopped talking.She just closed her eyes a little, and then put her slightly cold hand in Ba Jin's, letting him hold it tightly. "I heard that you are going to Guangzhou? When will you come back to Shanghai?" Ba Jin hurriedly walked on the road, his thoughts still revolved around Xiao Shan like a movie scene.He seemed to see a burning war again. It was a certain day after the outbreak of the Anti-Japanese War. At that time, Ba Jin was sent by the Cultural Life Publishing House to go to Guangzhou to organize a branch.Just the day before Ba Jin left Shanghai, he and Xiao Shan met again in a coffee shop in Shanghai.

That meeting gave him the impression that he was in a hurry and nervous, because the ticket was in the early morning of the next day, and after meeting Xiao Shan, he had to go back to his temporary residence to pack his luggage.And the spring night was so hasty, Ba Jin didn't want Xiao Shan to return home too late in order to say goodbye to him.In that case, he was worried that Xiao Shan would be resented by her family. On the way to the hospital, Ba Jin recalled this past incident again, because when he broke up with Xiao Shan, he was in the same mood as he is today.There is a sense of love for each other.No one knows whether this breakup will see them again in the future.

"Yunzhen, just don't worry, I won't be in Guangzhou for too long, as long as the work there is arranged, I will come back." Ba Jin sat in the dim shadow of the lamp, silently staring at the beautiful girlfriend opposite. s eyes.He immediately pierced the other person's heart, and Ba Jin found that she, like himself, attached great importance to this breakup.That's because two years have passed in the blink of an eye since he and Xiao Shan got acquainted that early spring morning in 1936. In the past two years, he and her have gone through many ups and downs and ups and downs, from not knowing each other to developing mutual understanding friends.He felt that Xiao Shan was like the white orchid tree he liked, exuding a faint floral fragrance. Although it was not strong, he could smell her elegant fragrance from time to time, which made Ba Jin feel satisfied and at ease.What Ba Jin likes is a girl like Xiao Shan.He wandered around the beach in Shanghai, went to study in Paris, France and Tokyo, Japan. Of course, there are also suitors of the opposite sex around him. However, Ba Jin always stays at a respectful distance. He avoids and alienates fashionable and romantic women. What Ba Jin needs to find is a personality similar to his. women as partners.

He doesn't like those fashionable urban romantic women, and even hates those women who do everything for power and money.That's why he is almost thirty years old and still doesn't want to settle down and get married in Shanghai.Now Xiao Shan is like a confidant who flew to him from outside the sky. Except that Ba Jin felt that this girl who was studying in a girls' middle school was 13 years younger than him, there was almost nothing inappropriate.How he longed to be with her forever!However, at that time he had to obey the assignment of Wu Langxi, the president of the publishing house, and went to Guangzhou when the war was approaching Jiangnan.

Xiao Shan's eyes glistened with crystal clear tears.She sipped the bitter coffee in the cup, feeling that there was no sweetness in her mouth, and the bitter taste made her feel a little bit sad.She knew that it was dangerous for Ba Jin to leave Shanghai at this time, because the Japanese army was always threatening the land in the south of the Yangtze River.She couldn't guess whether they would have a chance to meet again once the flames of war raged to Shanghai or Guangzhou.Thinking of this level, Xiao Shan's eyes became moist, and she said: "Mr. Li, no matter whether we can still meet in this life or not. But, what I want to tell you is that no one can replace your position in my heart." Already!..."

"Oh?..." Ba Jin didn't expect her to say such sentimental words.Listening to the songs wafting in the wind from the street from time to time, he also added a bit of sadness to his mood.It was an episode in some kind of movie, the singer's weeping voice made him sound quite sad and sad.He also knew that during the war, this kind of breakup might mean parting from life to death, but Ba Jin couldn't resist fate. After thinking for a long time, he finally nodded to her and said solemnly: "Yunzhen, don't say that, actually We are just ordinary friends now. Of course it would be better if I can come back, if we can't meet, you still have the right to choose your own future!"

"No, no!" To Ba Jin's surprise, Xiao Shan, who usually looked very innocent, now showed a decisive expression that did not match her age.She suddenly grasped Ba Jin's hand tightly, and said from the bottom of her heart: "Brother Li, you can't say that. Although we haven't reached the point where we can talk about marriage, I can no longer hold anyone else in my heart." I think, if you come back from Guangzhou, the first thing I want to ask you to do is to visit my house once!..." "To your house?" He was surprised. But she stared at him solemnly. It was obvious that the girl had thought about this matter for a long time before she made such a decision: "Yes, meet my mother. In this way, our business will be completed!..."

"Oh?" Ba Jin didn't speak, but his heart was stirring up waves at the moment.Ever since meeting Xiao Shan by accident, whenever he met her, he would feel excited like never before.Ba Jin knew that he liked Xiao Shan from the bottom of his heart, and also saw that this girl who was much younger than him also loved him deeply from the bottom of his heart.However, the meeting between Ba Jin and Xiao Shan was only out of the author's concern for the readers.Never thought that he and a young reader would one day have a relationship that surpassed the relationship between the reader and the author.Now, when he heard the girl's confession from the heart for the first time, he couldn't help being secretly startled. He realized that he had finally met love!

"Father, over here..." When Ba Jin was having this stream of consciousness of space-time differences in his mind, he completely forgot that he had come to the familiar Zhongshan Hospital with his daughter Xiaolin, son-in-law Zhu Hongsheng and other relatives and friends.Ba Jin looked up and saw the sunny ward again, but it was empty inside.The bed near the window where his wife had lived before was no longer the familiar Xiao Shan.The snow-white bed quilt had been neatly folded, making Ba Jin's eyes sour when he saw it.He suddenly remembered that just yesterday morning, she was still sighing to him on that bed: "The medicine is so expensive, how will I get it in the future?..."

"This, Yunzhen, you don't need to take care of this. It's important for you to get medical treatment now..." Ba Jin knew that Xiao Shan was a very thrifty woman.Even before the "Cultural Revolution" when his manuscript fee was relatively sufficient, whenever the publishing house sent royalties, she had to carefully deposit them in the bank.At that time, Ba Jin and Xiao Shan had already lived in the small building with a single family on Wukang Road.The couple lived upstairs and downstairs, and Xiao Shan had to plan carefully for the monthly living expenses.She didn't want to spend Ba Jin's remuneration on some useless places, and she always controlled her family life to the standard of living of ordinary citizens.And when she went to work as an editor in a magazine, she never asked for a penny.That's why Ba Jin likes Xiao Shan. He knows that she is a woman who only cares about giving and doesn't ask for anything. "I don't care...but, in the future, where will you get so much money?" Xiao Shan watched the nurses keep bringing some needles and blood transfusion equipment to her bed, and felt extremely painful in her heart.She found that since her operation, she had to receive blood and oxygen almost every day.Ba Jin was so concerned about her condition, even to the point of treating her at all costs, which made Xiao Shan feel uneasy even more. She knew very well that since 1966, as Ba Jin lost his quiet writing environment, some of the manuscript fees he had accumulated from writing in the past were frozen in the bank by the rebels.She has no salary, and Ba Jin is only allowed to spend a meager monthly living allowance from the frozen savings.After Xiao Shan fell ill, she almost spent all the little living expenses her family had saved for many years.She also knew that after Ba Jin returned to Fengxian Cadre School from Shanghai in June, his request to the "Worker Propaganda Team" to pay 100 yuan from his frozen manuscript fee was also flatly rejected. "Yunzhen, don't be intimidated by the difficulties in front of you. Actually, it's nothing." Ba Jin saw that his wife was always worrying about home, worrying about hurting others because of his illness, so he told her stories before the bed. How he contributed articles in Shanghai in his early years, and how he made a living in the past.Ba Jin said to her: "I returned from France in 1928 and settled down in Shanghai. At first I wrote a short story or translated a short article and submitted it to newspapers. I lived on this meager income, and the hard life passed. Later The editors took the initiative to ask me for articles. At that time, I had no money to rent a big house, so I had to live with my friend who worked in Kaiming Bookstore. He lived upstairs, and I lived downstairs. I would like to contact outsiders. Outsiders always ask my friends for manuscripts, and I can also keep quiet and not be disturbed by others. Sometimes I stay up all night to write a short story, put the manuscript on the desk, and my friend puts the manuscript at work in the morning Take it with you. For example, the short story "Dog" was written in this way. The more articles I published in newspapers, the more people came to me to collect articles. My friends in the literary world gradually increased. I told you a long time ago Guo: I have lived by friendship until now. So, Yunzhen, you must not think about money, as long as there are people, there will be money. Money is something outside of you!" Xiao Shan stopped talking, she knew that if she said anything else, it would hurt Ba Jin's heart.It's just that she is still sighing for her increasing medical bills. Ba Jin seemed to be in a very optimistic mood. He kept enlightening her and continued to tell his early stories: "In the first few years when I returned to Shanghai, I always buried myself in writing for eight or nine months, and then went out to travel to see friends. I didn't Home, my friend's home is my home, I go to see friends everywhere, and write some 'travel essays' to pay for the manuscript. Sometimes I am locked in the study for a whole year, writing non-stop. I used to be like this Described: "Every day and night, enthusiasm burns in my body, like a whip whipping my heart, before my eyes are countless painful pictures, the suffering of most people and my own suffering, they make my hands tremble .I kept writing. The environment is always so monotonous: in an empty room, there is a square table full of books, newspapers and manuscript papers in front of it, and the glass windows that let in the sunlight beside it, and a dilapidated old Sofa and two small round stools. My hands can’t stop moving quickly on the paper, it seems that many, many people are using my hands to express their pain. I forget myself and everything around me. I become It became a writing machine. Sometimes I squatted on a chair, sometimes bent my head on the square table, or stood up and walked to the sofa to sit down and write excitedly. I finished my novels and other novels in this way. These works made me meet a lot of new friends, they encouraged me and forced me to write more novels.” Yunzhen, that’s how I got through my hard days, and now we have a family , are you still worried about the little medicine expenses in front of you?" Xiao Shan has nothing to say.She didn't expect Ba Jin to be so optimistic and have such a good memory. After suffering such a big setback, Ba Jin could still recite the sentences in his early articles. His words made Xiao Shan happy.However, sorrow cannot be driven away. Now Xiao Shan sees her sick body getting weaker day by day. Instead of getting better after the operation, she needs blood and oxygen transfusion every day. Xiao Shan feels extremely guilty in her heart: "Blood, or Don't lose, right? I'll get better slowly..." Ba Jin heard about Kenyi, and hurriedly grabbed her trembling hand, worried that she would use up her little strength to break the blood transfusion needle: "No, Yunzhen, what's wrong with you? Mr. Qian There will be, and besides, the hospital is not asking us to pay for the blood transfusion right away, as long as your health is getting better day by day, the problem of money will not be a problem. Because there is no end to the road!..." Xiao Shan no longer fought with him, she knew that as long as Ba Jin was by her side, she would not allow her request to interrupt the blood transfusion.She could only watch the bubbling blood transfusion needle in front of the hospital bed, and she was still very worried.She murmured and sighed, "Although the hospital doesn't charge you now, you still have to pay back the medical expenses owed. I think it's better not to lose blood, right?" Looking at his sick wife, Ba Jin really wanted to cry, but he deliberately put on a nonchalant demeanor in front of her, blocking his wife's hand stretching towards the blood vessel, and comforting her, saying, "How can blood not be infused?" What? Yunzhen, this is the doctor's decision. We are patients, and no one dares to change the doctor's order made by the hospital. As for the medical expenses, they will always be resolved. I will go back and explain the reasons to the workers' propaganda team. I believe they will not It will not be resolved...” Now, the electroplated infusion stand that used to transfuse Xiao Shan's blood is still there, but the person on the bed is gone. "No, don't lose to me again, I feel bad..." Xiao Shan's voice seemed to come from outside the sky. That day, Ba Jin remembered standing by the door of the ward, tears streaming down like broken beads.He remembered that just two days ago, his wife had just undergone an operation, and her body was obviously failing, and her breathing was intermittent. The kind female head nurse had to temporarily decide to give oxygen to the dying Xiao Shan, and Ba Jin rushed It was only later that I discovered that my wife, who was so delicate in the past, is now almost covered with various tubes all over her body.Among those densely intertwined tubes, he finally saw her pale face.Her face has become skinny and deformed, but Xiao Shan's big eyes are still as bright, beautiful and shining as before when she was not sick. When she saw Ba Jin coming to her side, tears welled up in her eyes, which was an inevitable expression of emotion after seeing her relatives. When Ba Jin saw Xiao Shan wanting to use that trembling hand to pull out the oxygen tube on her nose, he hurriedly went to the hospital. He took her hand before and persuaded: "Yunzhen, this is not good, why do you want to do this?..." "Don't infuse me with oxygen anymore, I can't do it anymore! Why waste it? What will I do at home after I go?" Xiao Shan's voice was hoarse and weak, and she seemed to muster up a lot of courage before pulling out her nose. Put the tube on and mouth, and then sit up and talk to Ba Jin.However, it was impossible for her to do it. Her body was already weak and weak, and it was difficult for her to even breathe smoothly when lying there. "Yunzhen, don't think about anything now. Don't think about money. It's important to get medical treatment now!..." Ba Jin didn't expect her to be so ill, and he was still worried about the one who was getting far away from her. go home. Ba Jin still vaguely remembers that in the few days after Xiao Shan's operation, he was always by her side.He had been silently watching his beloved wife enduring boundless torture, and he hated himself for not being able to support her in suffering.He found that the kind-hearted Xiao Shan hadn't forgotten the existence of others even when her own life was about to end.In addition to thinking about her relatives and her home on Wukang Road, when all the friends who visited her in the hospital came to the bed, even though Xiao Shan was ill, she still had an apologetic expression on her face, as if she felt sorry for everyone. The relatives and friends who came to visit all felt a deep sense of guilt. "Yunzhen, are you really leaving like this?..." Ba Jin thought of the last time he saw his wife in the ward in the morning, and felt extremely sad in his heart.His wife didn't say anything to him in the morning, nor did she leave any last words or explanations.So quietly went.What made Ba Jin even more painful was that, as her husband and her dearest person, he was not present before Xiao Shan died.If he knew that Xiao Shan would die so soon, then Ba Jin would rather not go home or eat at noon, but stay by her side every step of the way! However, it is too late now!