Chapter 17 Chapter Seventeen

My privacy I've been married three times and none of them worked out, so I'm a loser when it comes to family matters.This can't be blamed on anyone but me.The first time I got married was with an American lawyer named Andrew. I was only 21 years old at the time, and I got married in a daze.I am not a law-abiding woman, and I got divorced within a few years.Chen Kaige and I got along well for four or five years, and we spent most of our time together in New York.Because no one is restless, the marriage is doomed to fail.I have been with Joan for ten years. He is the man who has the greatest influence on me. I owe him the most. He gave me my culture and self-confidence. Without him, I would not be where I am today. It can be said that Joan is what I admire people.But I can't live with my idol, we have countless small disputes when we live together, so we are still separated, we are still good friends, this is at least a consolation.I didn't dissolve my marriage with Joan, it was hardly necessary, neither of us cared too much.

Xiaoping and I have been lovers for many years. We tried several times to break off this relationship, but we never succeeded.Our careers have nothing in common, and he's not officially part of my family, but he's my smile and I need him like I need blood.All my friends know that I am with Xiaoping and I never have to hide anything from them.They offered me understanding and camaraderie during times when our relationship was awkward. Their tolerance makes me feel that my life is beautiful. I am very simple emotionally, stay together if you get along, and break up if you don't get along.In this regard, I never force myself, nor force others.But breaking up is the worst thing that can happen, and one guy I know is so happy about the divorce that he throws a party to celebrate.I am 100% not understanding.I am also extremely disgusted with the mutual blame and attack after the divorce. After I divorced Andrew, many people said that I used him to get a US green card. After I divorced Chen Kaige, some people said that Chen Kaige used me to get a US green card. Ridiculous, any relationship between men and women is impossible to be so simple.Every time I break up, I will very deliberately remember the time when we were happy together, and I can let go of everything else, and I don’t want people anymore. Why should I keep bad memories?I am not a person who is afraid of being sad. In my eyes, being able to feel love and sadness is thousands of times, tens of thousands of times better than feeling nothing.There is a Lenard Cohen lyric that reads:

The night is suddenly cold / Cupid is ready to go / Alisanta is on his shoulders / Sentries creeping through your mind / This is not a trick, a fantasy of emotion / This is not a dream that the morning can drive / So / Go and will go Farewell to the lost Alisanta / Then say goodbye to the lost Alisanta / She used to lie on your satin / Her kisses used to wake your morning / Don't say it's all fantasy / Don't use this Low means / When this is about to happen / Stand firm to the window and feel it / Bright music is Alisanta's laughter / Your original promise will come again / Nights spent with her are your luck / And your luck makes you new / Don't choose cowardly excuses / Hide behind cause and effect / Go say goodbye to Alisanta who is going / Then say goodbye to Alisanta who is lost I believe there was affection Frustrated people can understand the meaning of the lyrics. When we fail, we always look for reasons and deny everything in the past, otherwise it seems very difficult to break up.But all of this only makes the parting more painful than "go and say goodbye to the departing Alisanta, and then say goodbye to the lost Alisanta".

I actually want to write about privacy because I have a lot of feelings.I want to summarize the stories and feelings of marriage, love, and sex life, and write some sexual novels like AnaisNin, which have a little pornographic feeling, but are very fun, not dirty at all, fictional scenes, and real feelings. Anais Nin was a little beauty in Paris in the 1920s and 1930s. She hung out with cultural people in Paris at that time, and had a great biography with Henry Miller.There is a movie called Henry and Joan that tells this story. AnaisNin also writes herself, and she turns her sexual adventures into short stories in various forms, so that all the darlings in the boudoir can feast their eyes. Anais Nin has never written an autobiography. No one can figure out how many lovers of writers and artists she has been. Later generations can only guess from their correspondence.I think that's a big deal.

After the beauty writers came out, I was a little dumbfounded. These works are all self-proclaimed by the writers as semi-autobiographical. The most amusing thing is that I heard that two beautiful writers also condemned each other, saying that the other plagiarized themselves.I know about stealing gold and silver, but stealing other people's privacy is a great invention.I thought at the time that AnaisNin was dead, and the only thing that could be challenged was the autobiographical sex letter.Sure enough, female writers with complete privacy flocked.The autobiography can be written from one to six chapters, and a generation of COSMOGIRL has finally risen in China.

Even though I knew there was no hope for sex fiction with a fictional plot that I hadn't written yet, I wanted to give it a go. Writing these things can be fun and fun in itself.I just don't give up, I still want to practice AnaisNin. So here, I will write about my own privacy here first, and leave the details to my future novels, or just to myself.