Chapter 29 Chapter 12-1

Thus began the barrier of darkness; for eight years I have been imprisoned in this cage, and no matter what I tried, I could not penetrate its terrible shadow.In this abyss of misfortune in which I sink, I feel the blows that are thrown at me fall on me one after another, and I see the immediate instrument of the blow, but not the hand that manipulates it, and see The method used by this hand is not seen.Shame and disaster seemed to fall on me automatically, apparently without incident.When my broken heart could not bear it and moaned, it was like a man moaning without pain.Those who have brought about my ruin have managed to find that inconceivable artifice of making the general public unconsciously accomplices, without seeing the consequences of their plots.So when I now relate the many events that have connected me, the abuses I have suffered, and all that I have suffered, I cannot trace back to the origin, find the moving hand, cannot say State the facts and point out the reasons.These first reasons are written down in the first three chapters; everything that concerns me, all secret motives, are revealed in the first three chapters.But it is impossible for me to explain, not even to conjecture, how these various causes combined to produce the many strange events of my life.If any of my readers are willing to delve into these mysteries and discover the truth, I invite them to carefully reread the first three chapters; Tracing back to another conspiracy, from one factor to another, until the original initiator of the overall situation.Of course I know what kind of end point their research will reach, but the tunnels that lead them to this end point are dark and tortuous, and I can't figure it out myself.

During my stay in Yvedon, I got acquainted with the whole family of M. Roguin, including his niece, Mrs. Pois de la Tour and her daughters.I seem to have said that I had known the father of the children before at Lyons.Madame Pois de la Tour came to Yvedon to see her uncle and his sisters; her eldest daughter, about fifteen years old, was very intelligent, with a very good temper, and I was very fond of her.I am attached to both mother and daughter with the most tender friendship.This girl was originally decided by Mr. Rogan and promised to his nephew who is a colonel.The Colonel is middle-aged, and he has great admiration for me, but although my uncle is keen on this marriage, and my nephew is also eager to succeed, I also hope that they can both get a satisfactory result. The extreme dislike of the girl led me and the mother to join together to discourage the marriage, and it did not succeed.The colonel later married his relation, Miss Dean, whose temperament and appearance, I thought, were excellent, and made him the happiest husband and father.Even so, Monsieur Rogan cannot forget that I have defied his wishes in this matter.I was quite at ease in my heart, because I was convinced that I had fulfilled the most sacred duty of friendship to him and to his family. advice.

What kind of treatment awaits me if I go to Geneva?On this issue, I have not speculated for a long time.My books were burned in Geneva, and on June 18, nine days after my arrest in Paris, I was wanted again in Geneva.In this second arrest warrant, there are too many ridiculous words piled up, and the violation of canon law is too obvious, so when I first heard the news, I still refused to believe it; after the news was fully confirmed, I was afraid Such a flagrant and appalling transgression, which destroys all laws beginning with the laws of conscience, will turn Geneva upside down.Then I let go of my heart because everything was calm as usual.If some people say tsk-tsk among the ignorant people, it is only directed at me. I am openly scolded by all fools and pedants, as if I am a schoolboy who has not recited the basic teachings well. whip him.

These two arrest warrants are the signal, and all Europe has risen to curse me with a fury unprecedented in history.All magazines, all newspapers, and all the rational elements of classical economics represented by Ricardo made objective comments, and all pamphlets sounded the most terrible alarm bells.Especially the French, a people so gentle, courteous, heroic, and usually so conceited, so considerate to the less fortunate, have suddenly forgotten their favorite virtues; , appearing superior by the frequency and ferocity of the insults.I have become an anti-religionist, an atheist, a madman, a madman, a beast, a jackal.The editor-in-chief of the Trève Gazette accused me of being a werewolf, and his incoherence proved that he himself was a werewolf.In short, it can be said that in Paris, if a person publishes an article on any topic without inserting a few words to scold me, he is afraid of being accused of violating the police.I was baffled by this unanimous resentment.So I almost think everyone is crazy.What a strange thing! The editor of "Eternal Peace" should stir up strife, the publisher of "The Confession of the Vicar of Savoy" should be an anti-Christian, the author of "New Heloise" should be a jackal, "Emile" The author of the book is a madman!My God, if I published "On the Spirit" or a book like that, who would I be?Yet, far from uniting their voices with those of the persecutors in the storm that rose against the author of "On the Spirit," the masses of society vented their anger on the author by lavishly admiring him.I ask you to compare his books with mine, and compare the different treatment of these books, and the different treatment of the two authors in various European countries; please find out some of these differences. Come on reasons that will please a reasonable man.That's all I'm asking for, and I won't say anything else.

I had such a good time in Everton that, at the urging of Monsieur Roguin and his whole family, I decided to stay there.M. Mauritius de Jean-Jean, Lord Chancellor of the city, again encouraged me to remain under his rule with his kindness.The Colonel had a small building at his house, between the courtyard and the garden, and he urged me to settle there.His offer was so earnest that I accepted it; and he immediately busied himself with furnishing, and arranging all that my little household needed.Rogan himself was one of the most accommodating people around me, never leaving me all day.I am always aware of so many caresses, but sometimes I feel quite troublesome.The date of my removal was already fixed, and I wrote to Theresa again, asking her to come and meet me, when I suddenly heard that there was a storm against me in Berne, and it was said that the pious believers It was done, but I never understood its original reason.The Senate, at some one's instigation, seemed unwilling to grant me peace in seclusion.The first time Mr. Judge got word of this commotion, he wrote to several members of the government, admonishing them for the blind intolerance with which they kept so many criminals in their It would be shameful to refuse to take in an oppressed and intelligent man under the rule of the Communist Party of China.It was conjectured by some astute minds that his rebuke was so strong that it irritated the people rather than softening it.Regardless of whether this speculation is correct or not, anyway, his reputation and eloquence were not able to block that move.As soon as he heard that an order was to be given to me, he hastened to inform me; so as not to wait for the order to arrive, I resolved to start the next day.The hard part is not knowing where to run.Now that Geneva and France are closed to me, I expect that every country will quickly follow suit when they see their neighbors in this matter.

Madame de Pois de la Tour suggested that I take up residence in an empty, fully furnished house, which belonged to his son, in the village of Motiers, in the Travel valley of Neuchâtel, as long as Just climb over a mountain.This hospitality was especially fitting, since I would naturally find refuge from persecution in the states of the King of Prussia, where, at least, religion would be less of an excuse.But I have a difficulty in my heart, but it is inconvenient to say it, which makes me hesitate.I was born with a love of justice, which has always been burning in my soul, and my secret love for France, so that I have an aversion to the King of Prussia, who, I feel, with his principles and conduct, Tramples underfoot any respect for the laws of nature and for human obligations.Among the framed engravings which I once adorned the watchtower at Montmorency, there is a portrait of this king, under which I wrote a distint, the last line of which is:

"He thought a philosopher, and his deeds a king." This line, written in anyone else's pen, would be a beautiful eulogy, but in my pen it has another meaning, unambiguous, and the previous line explained it too clearly.Anyone who comes to see me has seen this distint, and there are not a few people who come to see me.Chevalier Lorenzi and copied it to d'Alembert, who, I have no doubt, will present it to the king as my tribute to him.This first error, I aggravate it with a passage in Emile, where we are seen quite clearly in Adrast, king of the Dornians. Who is he referring to in his mind.This insinuation has not escaped the eyes of many critics, and Madam Bouffler has mentioned it to me several times.Wherefore, I certify that I am written in red ink in the record-book of the King of Prussia; and, supposing his principles of life are as I imagine them to be, my works and their authors are nothing but abominations to him, For, as everyone knows, wicked men and tyrants always hate me to the bone, even if they don't know me, it's enough just to read my books.

Nevertheless, I ventured to be at his mercy, and I believe the risks were not too great.I know that vile passions can only rule a weak man, but not a man of strong character--and I always thought he was such a man--of little effect.I judged that according to his art of governing, when encountering such an opportunity, he should show a magnanimity to others, and the real magnanimity is not something that his character cannot do.I decided that base and easy vengeance was by no means possible in his mind to outweigh his desire for glory, and, putting myself in his shoes, I felt that he used this opportunity to conquer with his generosity a man who had dared to whisper His person is by no means impossible.I therefore went to live at Motiers with the full confidence that he would feel the value of that confidence; and I thought that Jean-Jacques would raise himself to a level with Coriolin. , Will Frederick be inferior to the generals of the Volsk people?

Colonel Roguin must accompany me across the mountain, and settle me down at Motiers.Madame de Pois de la Tour had a sister-in-law named Madame Giraldie, who was not pleased to see me go to the house where it was convenient for her, but she was still very kind. I was admitted with great care, and I ate at Therese's house while I waited for her to come and settle down with my little family. Since my departure from Montmorency, I felt that I would henceforth flee from place to place across the land, so I hesitated to allow Thérèse to meet me for the life I thought was destined. A wandering life.I felt that our relations were to be altered by this catastrophe; that what had been my favor to her before that had been her favor and favor to me henceforth.If her affection for me had endured my calamity, she would have grieved for it, and her grief would have deepened my pain.If my misfortunes had cooled her affection for me, she would boast of her constancy before me as a sacrifice; and she would not feel that I shared with her my last loaf of bread. to feel only the virtue of her willingness to follow me wherever fate drove me.

I must say the whole thing: I did not hide my poor mother's and my own faults, and I should not be particularly merciful to Theresa; To cover up her fault--if involuntary changes of mind and emotion counted as real faults.For a long time I found that her heart grew cold.I sensed that she was no longer the same to me as we were in our golden days, and the more I remained true to her, the more real it became.I was again in the embarrassing situation in which I felt the consequences with my mother, and the consequences were the same with Theresa.Let us not strive for perfection which does not exist in nature; the consequences are the same in every woman in the world.The decisions I took with my children, no matter how thoughtful I felt at the time, were not always comfortable with me.As I meditate on my "On Education", I feel that I have neglected some duties which no reason can exempt me from.My remorse finally grew so strong that it almost compelled me to make a public confession of my fault at the beginning of "Emile", and made it so clear that anyone who reads that passage It must be a strange thing to have the courage to condemn my fault.Yet my situation was still the same as before, and even worse, by the malice of my enemies, who only wanted to grab my braid.I was afraid of repeating the mistakes of the past, and I did not want to take the risk. I would rather endure the pain of sensual restraint than allow Thérèse to experience the same situation again.Furthermore, I noticed that intercourse caused a marked decline in my health.This double reason has made me repeatedly make up my mind, but sometimes I have not been able to persist, but in the past three or four years, I have been more persistent; it was then that I saw that Delelain was indifferent to me: she never The sense of responsibility is still the same to me, but in terms of love, it is no longer the same as before.This must have diminished some of the pleasure in our relationship, so I thought that since she could hardly have my care anywhere, she would probably rather stay in Paris than come and wander with me.However, she was so distressed when we parted, she asked me to make such a firm promise that we would meet again, and after I left, she expressed her desire to rejoin me so enthusiastically in front of Mr. Prince de Conti and Mr. Luxembourg. Not only did I not have the courage to talk to her about the separation, I even lost the courage to think about it myself.When I felt in my heart that I could not do without her, all I wanted was to call her back to me at once.I wrote to her to go, and she came.I haven't been away from her for less than two months, but this is the first time we've been apart in so many years!We both felt the pain of separation too badly for each other.How excited we were when we hugged each other!what!How sweet are the tears of love and joy!How well my heart drinks these tears!Why do people let me shed so few tears like these?

As soon as I arrived at Motiers, I wrote to Lord Guise, Marshal of Scotland, Governor of Neuchâtel, informing him of my retirement in His Majesty's domain, and asking for his protection.He answered me with the well-known generosity which I expected from him.He invited me to see him.I went to see him with Monsieur Martinet—the lord of the Travel Vale, and a celebrity before His Excellency the Viceroy.The admirable aspect of this venerable Scotchman moved my heart so powerfully, that we felt at once for each other a strong affection which, on my part, has always been consistent, And on his side, if it wasn't for those traitors who deprived me of all comfort in life, taking advantage of me to stay away from him, bullying him to be old, and distorting my image in his eyes, it would be consistent of. George Keith was the hereditary Marshal of Scotland, brother of the famous General Keith, who lived with honor and died with glory; he left his native country in his youth, and was banished by his country because he had been attached to the Stuart royal family. up.But he soon became disgusted with the Stuarts, for he saw in it the senseless and tyrannical spirit which had always been its chief characteristic.He lived a long time in Spain, and liked the climate there; at last, like his brother, he attached himself to the King of Prussia.The King of Prussia knew people well and gave them the reception they deserved.The King was well rewarded for this reception, for Marshal Guise had done him many favors, and above all he had won the sincere friendship of the Lord Marshal.The great soul of this venerable man was so thoroughly republican and noble that it could only bow its head in the embrace of friendship, but it bowed to friendship so wholeheartedly that, in spite of their differences of thought, he Attached to Frederick, only Frederick in mind.The king had entrusted him with some important affairs, sent him to Paris, to Spain, and finally, seeing that he was old and needed rest, he took him as governor of Neuchâtel so that he could retire and live his life. It benefits the people of this small state. The people of Neuchâtel are only fond of pomp and ostentation, and do not know the truth. When they hear rhetoric, they are surprised that they are brilliant; Be rude, and take his taciturnity for folly.They refused his well-intentioned caresses, because he only wanted to benefit the people and not to flatter, so he could not win the favor of those he did not admire.The Reverend Petit-Pierre was excommunicated by his colleagues because he did not want them to be condemned to hell forever.In this ridiculous incident, the lord was opposed by the whole state for opposing the usurpation of the executive power by the clergy, when in fact he had the interest of the whole country in mind; The voice of hatred has not completely subsided.It was said that he was at least a man who invited prejudice against him; and of all the censures he received, this was perhaps more true.When I saw this venerable old man, the first thing I felt was pity for his thin body, the years had worn away his muscles; but when I saw his radiant, bright and noble face, I immediately felt sorry for him. A feeling of awe and admiration which overwhelmed all other feelings, and placed him in full confidence.He responded by talking of something else after the few friendly words I had gone up to him, as if I had been there a week.He didn't tell me to sit down, and the prim lord stood erect.I saw a look of kindness in my lord's piercing and shrewd eyes, and felt at once quite at ease, and sat down beside him in the armchair he was sitting in, unceremoniously.Hearing the friendly tone he immediately adopted, I felt that my casual attitude liked him very much, and he must have said in his heart: "This man is not from Neuchâtel." What a strange effect of congeniality!At that age, when the average heart has lost its natural heat, this kindly old man's heart burned for me to a degree of astonishment.He even came to see me at Motiers, under the pretense of shooting quail, and stayed two days without touching a gun.Such a friendship had formed between us--and here it is in the name of friendship--that neither of us could be separated.The house of Colombiers, where he lived in summer, was six leagues from Motiers, and I would go there for a day and night every two weeks at most, and then come back like a pilgrim, thinking only of him.When I went from the Hermitage to Auberne, my inner feeling was of course very different, but it was no sweeter than the feeling I felt when I approached the Colombière.How many tears of gratitude I have often shed on the road when I think of the fatherly kindness, the lovely virtues, the good-natured philosophy of this venerable old man!I call him father and he calls me child.These two sweet names may partly express the attachment that binds us, but not yet our need for each other and our desire to be near each other constantly.He insisted that I go to the Colombier house, and had urged me for a long time to settle down in the apartment where I was temporarily staying.In the end I told him that I was more free living in my own home, and I would rather visit him like this for the rest of my life.He appreciated my frankness, and never spoke of the matter again.O merciful lord!My venerable father!How my heart still beats when I think of you now!Those savages!What a blow they have done to me by separating you from me!But no, no, great man, you are and always will be the same to me, and I will always be the same.They lied to you, but they couldn't change you. Lord Marshal is not without faults; he has sense, but he is human after all.He has the keenest wisdom, the sharpest perception, and the deepest understanding of people, but he is sometimes deceived by others, and he never returns.His temper is very strange, a bit weird and abnormal.He seemed to have forgotten the people he saw every day, but he suddenly remembered them when they never expected them.His attention to people always seems to be inappropriate, and his gifts are all based on his momentary pleasure, regardless of whether it is suitable or not. As soon as he thinks of giving you something in his mind, he will immediately give it to you or send it to you, whether it is of high value or nothing. No value, it doesn't matter to him.There was a young man in Geneva who wanted to serve the King of Prussia, so he ran to him. The Lord gave him not a letter, but a small cloth bag full of broad beans, and told him to take it to the king. The king received this strange introduction, Immediately, a job was arranged for the bag delivery person.Eminent geniuses speak to each other another language, which mortals can never understand.These little eccentricities, and the unprovoked gestures of a pretty lady, made the Lord Marshal particularly interesting to me.I was convinced, and I later realized, that these eccentricities did not interfere with his sentiments, nor with that care of others that friendship required of him in critical moments.It is true, however, that in the way he helped others he was as peculiar as in the way he treated them.I cite only one point to illustrate this peculiarity, and it concerns an insignificant incident.From Motiers to Colombiers, I could not bear to walk in one day, so I always divided it into two days, started after lunch, and stopped overnight at Blot on the way.The owner of the residence is named Santos. He needs to ask Berlin for a favor that is very important to him, so he asked me to ask His Excellency the Governor to ask for him.Of course I was willing to help, so I took him to the house with me, and I left him in the apartment, and went to tell the Lord about him, but the Lord said nothing.The morning was over, and as I was walking across the flat to lunch, I saw poor Santos waiting impatiently, and I thought the lord had forgotten him, so I repeated it to him as I was seated, and he was still with him. Same as before, no sound.I thought he was trying to make me feel how much I hated him in this way, but it was too much to bear, so I kept silent and complained secretly for Santoz.When I came back the next day, I was very surprised by his thanks, for he had been well received and had a good lunch at the Doge's house, and the Doge had accepted his papers.Three weeks later, the lord sent him the edict he had asked for, signed by the king and issued by the minister.He did so, never wanting to say a word or say a word to me or to Santoz himself.I originally thought that he was unwilling to take responsibility for this matter. I want to go on and on about George Guise!My last happy memories are from him, and the rest of my life is nothing but trouble and sorrow.I feel sad when I think about these things, and the more I think about it, the more chaotic I am, so it is impossible to have any hierarchy in the narrative: from now on I will have to arrange my narrative randomly, and write whatever comes to mind. I took refuge here, and I originally harbored uneasy emotions.I was soon relieved from my uneasiness by the king's reply to the Lord Marshal, in whom I found a good advocate.His majesty not only consented to what he had done, but entrusted him—I must tell everything—to give me twelve louis.The gracious lord was perplexed by such a mission, and wondered how it could be accomplished with dignity.He endeavored to lessen the insult, and converted the money into supplies in kind, by informing me that he was by the king's order to furnish me with my fuel, that I might raise my little family; For his own will--the King is willing to build me a little house, in any fashion I like, if I will choose a place.This latter gift touched me, and made me forget the stinginess of the former.I did not accept either of these gifts, but I regarded Frederick as my benefactor and protector, and I was so sincerely fond of him that I have ever since cared as much for his glory as I used to. Very dissatisfied with his achievement.When he signed the treaty shortly thereafter, I expressed my joy by a very elegant lantern: a set of garlands with which I adorned the house in which I lived.I did pour out that vengeful heroism into this set of garlands, for I spent nearly as much money as he was prepared to send me.As soon as the treaty was signed, I thought that his military and political glory was at the height of his glory, that he would recuperate, revive commerce and agriculture, clear and repopulate his country, and keep peace with all his neighbours, From the devil king of Europe to the arbiter of Europe, in order to strive for another kind of glory.He can easily lay down the sword without risking any risk, because he can be sure that no one will force him to take it up again.I think he hasn't disarmed yet, but I'm afraid he won't be good at taking advantage of his advantages and will only become half a great man.I have ventured to write him a letter on this subject, and direct to his ear the voice of this sacred truth--truth A voice that few kings are entitled to hear.I did this presumptuous thing in secret, it came out of my mouth and entered into the king's ears.I won't even let the Lord Marshal know.I handed him my letter to the king, sealed, and my lord sent my letter without inquiring what it was about.The king made no answer to this letter; the marshal went to Berlin a little later, and the king only told him that I had given him a good lesson.From this I learned that my letter had provoked a bad reaction, that my zealous candor had been taken for the genius of a pedant.In fact it is quite possible; perhaps I am not saying what I should be saying, not using the tone I should be using.I can only assure you that the reason why I started writing is because of my painstaking efforts. Soon after I settled down at Motiers-Travel, I had all possible assurances that I would be allowed to stay here in peace, and so I put on Armenian dress.This is not a new idea, it has come to me several times at different times in my life, and I used to think it a lot in Montmorency, when I used a bougie and had to stay in my bedroom , which especially made me feel the benefits of wearing robes.It happened that an Armenian tailor, to a relative at Montmorency who often visited him, tempted me again by the convenience, and I was tempted to change into this new dress, no matter what gossip was said--I told others His gossip was meant to be nonchalant.However, before adopting this new dress, I would like to consult Madame de Luxembourg.She urged me to adopt it, so I kept a small box of Armenian clothes.But the storm which was upon me arose, and I was compelled to wear it again at a calmer time.It was only after a few months, when I was again invoking the bougie for a relapse, that I thought I could adopt this new attire at Motiers without risk, especially if I had consulted the local Reverend, he said I wouldn't be surprised if I went to church in that attire.So I put on my robe, and my fur cloak, and my round hat, and my big belt.Having attended the sacrament in this attire, I did not think it would matter to the Lord Marshal's house in this attire.His Excellency the Governor saw me in this attire, and the only courteous thing he said was "Salam al-Khi"; and I never wore anything else. Having completely renounced literature, I thought I would lead a quiet and sweet life if I could only make my own decisions.I was never bored when I was alone, even when I had absolutely nothing to do.My imagination can fill in any blank, and it alone is enough to keep me idle.Only a few people sitting face to face in the room chatting and talking, that's something I can't stand for the rest of my life.Walk, take a walk, that's all right, at least the feet and eyes are still doing something; but sit there with folded arms, talking about what the weather is like today, and the flies are flying, or worse Some, you compliment me, I compliment you, this is really unbearable torture for me.In order not to live as a savage, I thought of learning to weave tape.I took my cushion to visit the door, or like a woman, I sat at the door to do some work and chat with passers-by.This enabled me to bear the idle nonsense, and to pass the time at the house of some female neighbors without getting bored.Several of my neighbors are quite lovely and not lacking in wit, and one of them, Isabelle de Villenoy, daughter of the Attorney-General of Neuchâtel, is quite admirable to me, So I developed a special friendship with her.She did not suffer from my friendship, for I gave her much good advice, and took care of her in times of crisis; therefore, she, who is now a good wife and mother, may owe her her brains to me. , such a husband, such a life and such happiness.For my part, too, I was indebted to her for sweet consolations, especially during one dreary winter, when, when my sicknesses and troubles were increasing, she often came to share with Thérèse and me. Talking at night, she knows how to use her elegant intelligence to talk to us, so that we don't feel that the night is long.She called me Papa and I called her Daughter, and we still call them that, and I hope they will always be fond memories of her and me in the future.In order to make the ribbons I wove useful, I gave them to my young girlfriends as presents on their weddings, on the condition that they would take care of their children themselves.Isabel's sister received a pair of belts as a wedding gift, and she lived up to the gift; Isabel also had a pair, and she didn't live up to the gift in terms of subjective wishes, but she never got her wish Happiness.When I gave the tape, I wrote a letter to everyone. The first letter was widely read, but the second letter was not widely circulated: friendship does not need to be so exaggerated. I will not go into detail about my dealings with many people in the neighborhood; but I should mention my connection with Colonel Peary.Colonel Peary had a house on the hill and lived there in the summer.I was in no hurry to make his acquaintance, for I knew he did not get on very well at court and with the Lord Marshal, and he never saw the Lord.However, since he came to see me, and made many polite gestures to me, I was compelled to go and see him.This association continued, and we sometimes invited each other to dinner at home.我在他家认识了贝鲁先生，后来我跟贝鲁先生相交太密了，所以我免不了要把他谈谈。 贝鲁先生是个美洲人，苏里南的一个司令官的儿子，司令官死后，继任人讷沙泰尔籍的尚伯里埃先生就娶了司令官的遗孀。这位遗孀再度寡居后，便带儿子到后夫的故乡来落户。贝鲁是独子，十分富有，受到母亲的百般疼爱，得到精心的抚养，很得益于所受的教育。他掌握许多一知半解的知识，对艺术有一定程度的爱好，特别以长于推理自诩，他那又冷漠、又象哲学家的荷兰人的神气，他那黝黑的肤色，他那沉默而收敛的性格，很使人相信他是个思想家。他年纪虽轻，可是又聋又闹痛风，这就使他的一切动作都很稳重、严肃；而且，虽然他很爱争吵，甚至有时吵得时间过长，但一般说来，他还是说话不多，因为他耳朵听不见。他的整个这副外表都使我肃然起敬，我心里想：“这是位思想家，是个明哲的人，有这样一个人做朋友会是很幸福的。”为着彻底使我拜倒，他时常跟我说话，始终不带任何恭维语。他不大谈到我，不大谈到我的书，也很少谈到他自己；他不是没有见解，相反，所说的话都相当正确、这种正确和准确就吸引了我。在思想上，他没有元帅勋爵那样高超精细，但是有同样的朴实；就这一点来说，他是勋爵的代表。我并没有对他入迷，但是我由敬佩而产生了感情，慢慢地，这敬佩之情就带来了友谊。我跟他相处，完全忘了我当初反对跟霍尔巴赫男爵交朋友时的那句话：他太富有了；我现在相信我当时是错了。经验一直使我怀疑，一个享有巨大财富的人，不论他是谁，会真诚地喜欢我那些原则和这些原则的制订人。 在相当长的一段时间内，我很少见到贝鲁，因为我不到讷沙泰尔去，而他又每年只到皮利上校的山上来一次。为什么我不到讷沙泰尔去呢？这是一种孩子气，不应该避而不谈。 虽然我受到了普鲁士国王和元帅勋爵的保护，总算避免了我在避难地方受到迫害，可是我没能避免公众的、市政官吏的以及牧师们的嘀嘀咕咕。自从法国向我发动攻击以来，谁要是不至少给我一点侮辱，就不能显得是好样儿的，人们怕不照我那些迫害者的榜样行事，就被看作是不赞成那种做法。讷沙泰尔的上层分子，也就是说该城的牧师集团，首先发难，企图策动邦议会来对付我。这个企图未能得逞，牧师们就去找行政长官，行政长官立刻禁了我的书。他是一有机会就要不客气地对待我的，他透出话风，甚至明白直说，如果我原先想住在城里，人们也是不会容忍的。牧师们在他们办的《信使》杂志里塞满了荒谬言论和最无聊的伪善之谈，这些言论，尽管使头脑清楚的人为之齿冷，却也煽动了民众起来反对我。但是听了他们那些话，我毕竟还该感激涕零呢，因为他们能让我在莫蒂埃住下来，也算是一种不同凡响的恩典了——实际上，莫蒂埃是在他们的权力范围以外的。他们恨不得用品脱量空气给我，要我付高价来买。他们要我感谢他们的保护，而这种保护，是国王不顾他们的反对给我的，也是他们不断努力要给我剥夺掉的。最后，由于他们办不到这一点，便在尽力损害我、毁谤我之后，拿他们力所不能及的事算作自己的一个功劳，向我夸示他们是如何仁慈，竟容忍我在他们的国土上住下。我原该嗤之以鼻的，可是我太蠢了，竟跟他们生起气来，并且荒谬到决心不到讷沙泰尔城里去，还把这个决心坚持了近两年之久。殊不知他们的态度，不论是好是坏，都是不由自主的，始终是受别人推动的。我若注意到他们的态度，反而是太瞧得起他们了。再说，那批既无教养又无知识的人，只看重地位、权力和金钱的人，连做梦也想不到对才智之士应该有所尊重，想不到谁侮辱了才智之士就是丢自己的脸。 有一个什么村长，曾因贪污撤职的，竟对我那伊萨贝尔的丈夫、特拉维尔谷地的警官说：“人家都说那个卢梭如何如何聪明，你把他带来给我看看是不是真的。”当然啰，说这种话的人所表示的不满，是不会叫遭到这种不满的人怎样生气的。 根据我在巴黎、日内瓦、伯尔尼乃至讷沙泰尔受到的待遇，我就不指望当地的牧师对我能给点什么照顾。然而，我是由波瓦·德·拉·杜尔夫人介绍给他的，他也曾对我表示欢迎。不过在这地方，人们对任何人都一律奉承，友好的表示是毫无意义的。那时候，我既已正式重奉新教，又生活在一个新教国家，我就不能不参加我所信奉的宗教的公开活动，否则就要违背我的誓愿和我作为公民的义务，所以我得去参加圣事。另一方面，我又怕走到圣体台前被人拒绝，遭到难堪。看样子，日内瓦的议会，讷沙泰尔的宗教界都已闹得满城风雨了，此地的牧师简直不可能让我安安静静地走进他的教堂里去领圣餐的。所以我看圣餐礼快到的时候，就决定写封信给蒙莫朗先生（这就是那个牧师的名字），表示一下我的心愿，并且向他声明，我心里始终是归附新教教会的；同时，我对他说，为了避免有关信条的无谓争辩，我不愿个别地对信条作任何解释。这个手续一办，我就放心了，认为蒙莫朗先生一定会拒绝我去，因为他绝不肯让我不经过事先的个别解释就去参加圣餐，而我又决不愿意进行事先的个别解释，这样一来，事情就不了了之，而且不能怪我。谁知道事情完全不是这样：在我万想不到的时候，蒙莫朗先生来了，不但向我说明，他在我提出的条件下容许我去领圣餐，并且还说，他和老教友们都以有我这样一个信徒而引为极大的光荣。我从来没有这样地惊讶过，也从来没有感到过这样的欣慰。我觉得老是孤独地生活在世上是一种十分凄凉的命运，特别是处于逆境的时候。在这么多的通缉与迫害之中，我能对自己说：“至少，我是跟我的教友们在一起。”这可是太甜美了，所以我就去领了圣餐，这时我内心的感动和由感激而流出的眼泪也许是人们在领圣餐时最能使上帝满意的精神状态了。 不久之后，勋爵派人给我送来了布弗莱夫人的一封信，据我推测，这封信至少是通过达朗贝转来的，因为他认识元帅勋爵。这是这位夫人自我离开蒙莫朗西以来给我写的第一封信，在这封信里，她痛切地责备我不该给蒙莫朗先生写那封信，尤其不该去领圣餐。我真不懂她是跟谁发这顿脾气，特别因为，自从我那次到日内瓦旅行以来，我一直就公开宣布我是新教徒，我又曾在众目睽睽之下到过荷兰教堂，谁也没觉得我这事做得不对。布弗莱伯爵夫人居然想在宗教问题上指导我的信仰，我觉得未免太可笑了。不过，我并不怀疑她的用心是好到无以复加的——虽然我一点也不懂她的用心何在，所以我对这种离奇的谴责绝不生气，心平气和地复了她的信，给她说明我的理由。 这时，辱骂我的印刷品方兴未艾，它们那些好心眼的作者责怪权力机关对我太温和了。主谋者继续在幕后指挥的这种吠影吠声的大合唱，很有点阴森可怕的样子。我呢，让他们说去，丝毫不为所动。有人跟我说，索尔朋神学院发出过一个谴责书。我根本不信。这件事，索尔朋有什么可插手的呢？它想宣布我不是天主教徒吗？这是众所周知的事。它想证明我不是好的喀尔文派教徒吗？这又与它有何相干？操这种心真是太离奇了，简直是要顶替我们的牧师了。看到那个文件之前，我以为是别人假索尔朋的名义把它传播出去，以便讥笑索尔朋的，读了那个文件之后，我更相信是这样。最后，当我不能再怀疑那个文件的真实性的时候，我千想万想都只想到这一点：应该把整个索尔朋的人都送到疯人院去。 另一份公布的文件使我更加痛心，因为它来自我所始终敬仰的一个人；这个人，我佩服他的性格坚定，却惋惜他的行动盲目。我说的是巴黎总主教反对我的那份训谕。 我觉得我义不容辞，必须予以答复。我可以答复得不失身份，这和我当年答复波兰国王的情形差不多是一样的。我从来不喜欢伏尔泰式的粗暴的争吵。我只知道在保持尊严的条件下和人家交手；我要确信攻击我的人能不辱没我的打击时，才肯自卫。我毫不怀疑那篇训谕是耶稣会教士的手笔，虽然他们当时自己已经成了落水狗，但我在这份训谕里还看得出他们打落水狗的那个老信条。因此，我也就依照我的老信条行事：一面尊重名义上的作者，一面给作品以致命的打击。我就是这样干的，并且相信干得相当成功。 我觉得住在莫蒂埃很惬意，要想终老于此，只缺一个可靠的生活来源。这地方生活程度很高，由于我原来的家拆散了，又安了一个新家，一切家具，卖的卖，丢的丢，再加上我离开蒙莫朗西以来那些必不可免的耗费，我原来的计划全给推翻了。眼看我面前的那笔小资金一天天在减少，再有两三年就会把剩下的那点钱消耗净尽，而除了再去写书以外，又看不出任何方法能再积起这样一笔小资金，而写书是个不祥的职业，我又早已放弃了。 我深信，形势不久会向于我有利的方面转变的，社会大众从他们的疯狂中觉悟过来之后，会使权力者也为自己的疯狂而感到羞惭，所以我只想设法把我的生活资源维持到那个时来运转的时候，将来有了这种转变，我就能在各种送上门来的生活资源中加以选择。为此，我又拿起了我那部《音乐辞典》。这部辞典，我费了十年工夫，已经搞得差不多了，只差最后的修改和誉清。不久前别人给我寄来的我的书籍为我提供了完成这个工作所需的资料；同时寄来的我那些文件，又使我能够开始写我的《回忆录》，从此以后，我要集中精力专搞这部著作了。我首先把一些信件转抄到一个集子里，以便引导我的记忆力，弄清事实与时间的顺序。我早已把我要为此而保留的信件都选择好了，次序的衔接差不多十年都没有间断。然而，当我清理转抄的时候，发现里面有个漏洞，很使我惊讶。这漏洞有近乎六个月之久，从一七五六年十月到次年三月。我清楚地记得我把狄德罗、德莱尔、埃皮奈夫人、舍农索夫人等等的许多信都挑选出来了，这些信正好填满这个漏洞，而现在却找不到了。都到哪里去了呢？我的稿件存在卢森堡公馆里的那几个月当中有人动过吗？这是不可思议的事。我曾看到元帅先生拿去了我存稿件的那个房间的钥匙。因为有好几封夫人的信以及所有狄德罗的信都没有日期，又因为我曾被迫凭着记忆力摸索着把日期填上，以便依那些信的原有次序予以排列，所以我先还以为我曾把日期弄错了，特意把无日期的信或经我追填日期的信都拿出来，—一加以检查，看看在这里面是不是真找不到应该填补这个漏洞的信件。这个尝试没有成功！我看出，漏洞确实是存在的，那些信的的确确是被偷去了。谁偷去了呢？为什么要偷呢？这正是我百思不得其解的。那些信，都是在我那几场大争吵之前、在我为《朱丽》而感到初期陶醉的时候写的，跟谁也没有利害关系。内容至多也只是狄德罗的一些纠缠、德莱尔的一些挖苦、舍农索夫人乃至埃皮奈夫人的——那时我跟埃友奈夫人之间的关系非常之好——一些友谊的表示。这种信对谁又有什么用呢？拿去干什么呢？七年之后，我才猜想到这一盗窃的丑恶目的。