Chapter 23 Chapter 9-4

The anguish which Madame d'Houdetot's indifference caused me, and my confidence in not accepting it, led me to a curious decision: I wrote directly to Saint-Lambert himself.While awaiting the effect of this letter, I indulged in those diversions which I should have sought long ago.There were some great parties at Chevrette, and I was in charge of preparing the music for them.Madame Madeteau was fond of music, and I thought it a pleasure to show my skills in front of her, which aroused my interest.There is another reason which also helps to excite this interest, and that is, I want to show that the author of "The Country Divinator" also knows music, because I have long found that people try to make people doubt that I know music, at least. Doubt I can compose.As a matter of fact, my first writings in Paris, my many trials at M. Dupin's or M. Popellnier's, I wrote for fourteen years among and in the presence of the most famous entertainers. and, finally, the opera "The Merry Poets," the opera "The Country Fortune Teller," and a song which I wrote especially for Miss Fell and which she sang in religious concerts. The motet, and the many conferences I had with the most eminent masters of this art, all seemed to prevent or remove this doubt.But this suspicion persisted, even at Chevrette, and I saw that M. d'Epinay was not immune to it.Pretending not to be aware of this, I promised to compose him a motet for the christening of the chapel at Chevrette, and asked him to provide me with the words, at his choice.He entrusted his son's teacher, Linan, to do it.Li Nan sorted out some lyrics that fit the theme and gave them to me. A week later, the motet was completed.This time, resentment was my Apollo, and never did a richer music come out of my hand.The lyrics begin with the words EccesedesnicTonantis.The magnificent atmosphere at the beginning of the music is just in line with the lyrics, and then the beauty of the tone of the whole song attracts everyone's attention.I'm used to big bands, and Epinay has the best ensemble players.When the Italian singer Madame Bai Luna sang the motet, the accompaniment was very good.This motet was so successful that it was later performed at a religious concert. Although some people were behind the scenes and the playing technique was not suitable for the music, it still won warm applause twice.For M. d'Epinay's birthday, I provided the general idea of ​​a play, half drama, half pantomime. Madame d'Epinay wrote it according to my intention, and I composed the music.As soon as Grimm arrived, he heard about my success in harmony.After an hour, no one talked about it anymore; but, so far as I know, at least the doubts and questions about whether I knew how to compose had ceased.

I had already disliked staying at Chevrette, and Grimm's presence made it all the more unbearable for me to stay there because of an arrogance I had never seen in anyone else, not even I can't think of it.On the first day of his arrival, I was thrown out of the VIP room in which I was staying, which adjoined that of Madam d'Epinay, which had been assigned to Grimm, and which was given to me at a distance. Room. "It's what you call coming from behind," I said, laughing to Madam d'Epinay, who looked a little embarrassed.The reason for the removal became clearer to me that evening, for I heard that there was a secret door between her room and the one I had vacated, which she had previously thought unnecessary to point out to me.Her relation to Grimm was unknown, both in her family and in society, not even to her husband; A far more important secret, and knowing that I was reliable, she refused to admit it to me, and always denied it.I understood that the root of this reservation lay in Grimm, who kept all my secrets and would not have me keep any of his.

My unquenchable old love at that time and some real advantages of him made me have some good feelings for him, but this good feeling could not withstand the destruction he spared no effort.His attitude towards people was completely not the Earl of El. He hardly bothered to salute me, never asked me a word, and he didn't even answer what I said, so I soon stopped talking to him. spoke.He was first everywhere, first everywhere, and never cared about me.It would be all right if he didn't put on that embarrassing look on purpose.But one can judge what kind of a man he was by this one instance out of a thousand.Madam d'Epinay one evening, feeling a little ill, ordered some food to be brought to her room, and she went upstairs to dine by her fire.She asked me to go upstairs with her, and I went up with her.Grimm came next.The small table was already set, with only two cutlery.When the food was served, Madame d'Epinay sat down on one side of the fire.Mr. Grimm took an arm-chair and sat down on the other side of the fire, dragged the little table between them, opened his napkin, and began to eat, without speaking a word to me.Madam d'Epinay blushed, and, in order to induce him to correct his rude conduct, would yield me her own place.And he didn't say a word to me.Don't even look at me.Since I could not get near the fire, I resolved to walk up and down the room; and wait for the servant to bring me another set of dishes.He just let me have my supper at the far end of the table from the fire, without showing me the slightest courtesy.He didn't expect that I was in poor health, and that I was his eldest brother, and that I had acquainted with this family earlier than he did, and I was the one who introduced him here.Now, as a celebrity in front of the hostess, he should treat me with the utmost courtesy.His attitude towards me on other occasions was exactly the same as in this case. He not only regarded me as completely inferior to himself, he regarded me as nothing.It is difficult for me to recognize in this attitude the pedant who was so proud of me at the house of the Saxe-Gothic prince.How could he reconcile such a deep reticence and such an insulting arrogance with the fact that he boasted of the depth of his friendship to all those with whom he knew I had friendship?To tell the truth, he expressed his friendliness just to sympathize with my poverty, to take pity on my suffering, and to sigh a few times; but I am happy with my fate, and do not complain about my poverty.According to him, he wanted to take good care of me, but I ruthlessly rejected him.This is the art he uses to make people admire his good generosity and condemn my ungrateful hatred of the world. Between them, there can only be a relationship of kindness on the other side and gratitude on the other side. It is impossible to imagine that even if such a relationship is possible, there is also a kind of equal friendship in it.For my part, I could find nothing that would make me grateful to my new patron.I lent him money, but he never lent me money; he was sick, I took care of him, I was sick every time, he rarely came to see me; I introduced all my friends to him, his friends He never introduced one to me; I advertised him with all my might, and he, if he advertised me, not so openly, and in a different way.He never did me any favors or even said to me to help me.How can he be my Messinas?How could I be his protégé?I couldn't figure this out in the past, and I still can't figure it out now.

It is true that he was haughty with everyone, in varying degrees, but he was never so violently haughty with anyone as he was with me.I also remember that once Saint-Lambert almost threw a plate in front of him in the face, because Grimm called him a lie in front of the whole table, and said to him roughly: "It's not the truth." To his naturally domineering tone, he also added the complacency of a nouveau riche, even to the point of being ridiculously rude.As a result of his association with the rich, he had become obsessed, and he had learned to put on airs that only the most unreasonable rich can afford.When he called his servants, he never said "Hi!" as if there were too many servants, and the master didn't know which one was on duty.When he asked his servants to go shopping, he always threw the money on the ground instead of handing him the money.In short, he quite forgot that servants were human beings, and despised him so much, and loathed him so much, in everything, that the poor child—he was a very good man, introduced to him by Madame d'Epinay - finally resigned from work.The boy complained of nothing but this treatment, which he could not bear: he became the La Fleur of the new "pretentious man."

He was vain and self-important, with big cloudy eyes and a floppy wrinkled face, and yet he was ambitious for women; The eyes became a passionate seed.From then on, he learned fashion and developed a woman's obsession with cleanliness: he himself acted as a handsome man, and grooming became a big event.Everyone knew he was powdered, but I didn't believe it at first, but I believed it later, because not only did I see his complexion brighten, but I also found a powder dish on his dressing table.One morning I went to his room and saw him brushing his nails with a special little brush, and he looked very proud in my presence.I judged at the time that a person who can spend two hours brushing his nails every morning is likely to spend a little time filling in the wrinkles on his skin with powder.That good old man, Golfgol, was not a mean person, but he nicknamed him "Flour Noodle King" in a rather witty way.

All the above are mere ridiculous trifles, but they are too incompatible with my character.These things finally made me doubt his character. It is hard for me to believe that a person who is so dizzy can keep his mind on the center.He often boasted of how soft his heart was and how strong his feelings were.But those shortcomings of his are only possessed by a small soul, so how can they be commensurate with all the things he boasted about?A sensitive heart is always passionate about external things, how can it keep him busy doing so many insignificant cares for his tiny body?my god!A person who really feels his heart is burning with the holy fire always tries to pour out his heart, to show it to others.Such a person would like to take out his heart and put it on his face, he will never think about dressing up.

I was then reminded of his code of ethics, which Madam d'Epinay had told me and which he had practiced.There is but one thing in this program, and that is: Man's only duty is to do as he pleases in all things.This kind of moral maxim, when I heard it, once aroused my endless emotion, although at that time I only regarded it as a joke.But I soon saw that this principle was really his code of conduct, and so many things that made me suffer later can prove it.This was the same secret dogma that Diderot had told me countless times without ever explaining it to me. I also thought of the warnings that people gave me repeatedly several years ago, saying that this person is hypocritical, that he will pretend, and especially that he doesn't like me.I recall several little stories told to me by M. Frangeuille and Mme. Chenonceau, who did not think much of him, and who must have known him, because M. de Chenonceau She was the daughter of Madame Rochechouart, a close friend of the late Count Friesen, and M. Frenlanier was at that time intimately associated with the Vicomte de Poignac, and lived there when Grimm began to settle in the palace district. for a long time.All Paris knew Grimm's dismay after the death of Count Friesen.It was because he wanted to maintain the little reputation he had acquired after being treated harshly by Miss Fell, a reputation which, if I hadn't been so blind, would have seen the deceit in it better than anyone else .He was dragged by force to Gastley Hall, where he was ostentatiously ostentatious, and he was devastated.Every morning he went into the garden and wept bitterly, blindfolded his eyes with a handkerchief soaked in tears, and wept as soon as he saw the manor house, but as soon as he turned a path, he put the handkerchief in his pocket and pulled it out. A book to read.This happened so many times that it soon spread throughout Paris, but was soon forgotten.I myself had likewise forgotten it, but one incident which concerned me brought it back to my mind.When I lived in the Rue de Grenelle, I was lying in bed very sick, and he was in the country, and he came to see me one morning, and he said out of breath that he had just come from the country, and after a while I was You know, he arrived the night before, and someone saw him in the theater that day.

I think of many things of this sort, but one point stands out the most to me, and I wonder myself why I was so late in noticing it.I introduced all my friends to Grimm without exception, and they all became his friends.I was so inseparable from him then that I could hardly wish there was a house I could go in that he couldn't.Only Mrs. Craigie refused to receive him, and I never saw her again.Grimm himself had other friends, some of his own, and some of Count Friesen's.Of all these friends, not one became my friend afterwards.He never said a word to me to persuade me to at least get acquainted with them; and none of the friends I sometimes met at his house expressed the slightest affection for me.Even Count Friesen is like that, and he lives in the count's house, so I would be very happy if I could get acquainted with the count.As for Earl Friesen's relative, Count Schumburg, he did not show any affection for me, and Grimm got along with Count Schumburg more casually.

Not only that, my own friends who I introduced to him, before meeting him, all treated me sincerely, and after meeting him, they obviously changed their hearts.He never introduced me to any of his friends, I introduced all my friends to him, and in the end, he took them all away.If this is the result of friendship, what is the result of hatred? Even Diderot warned me several times in the beginning that Grimm, whom I trusted so much, was not my friend.Later, when he himself was no longer my friend, he changed his tune. The way I used to deal with my children didn't need anyone's help.Yet I told my friends about it, with the sole purpose of making them aware of it, so that I might not appear in their eyes better than I really was.There were three of these friends: Diderot, Grimm, Madam d'Epinay; Duclos was the one most worthy of my secret, and the only one to whom I did not share it.Yet he knew my secret; who told it?I don't know.Madame d'Epinay had little chance of such treachery, for she knew that if I were of that kind, and followed her example, I should have the means of vengeance cruelly upon her, leaving only Grimm and Diderot, they were both at that time colluding in many things, especially with me, so it was probably their complicity.I can bet only Duclos, I did not tell him my secret, so he was free to reveal it, and he was the only one who kept it for me.

Grimm and Diderot, in plotting to draw the two satrapes past me, tried to drag Duclos into the same boat, but he always refused with disgust.I learned from him only afterward what had passed between them on this subject; but I had heard enough from Therese at the time to make me see that there was something ulterior in all that activity. Conspiracy, I can see that they want to manipulate me, if not against my wishes, at least they must hide from me; otherwise, they want to use these two women as tools to achieve some conspiracy.All that must be unseemly, as Duclos' objection proves irrefutably.Whoever wants to believe that it is friendship, let him believe it.

This so-called friendship has brought me as much misfortune at home as outside it.Their frequent interviews with Mrs. Jean Wasser over the years have clearly changed the woman's attitude towards me, and this change, of course, has not benefited me.What were they discussing in these inexplicable secret conversations?Why is it so secretive?Was the old woman's conversation so interesting that they liked it so much?Or is it so important that it deserves such strict secrecy?For three or four years, this kind of secret conversation has been going on. I thought it was ridiculous at first, but when I think about it, I start to feel surprised.Had I known then what the woman was preparing for me, the surprise would have grown to anxiety. In spite of Grimm's bragging about his kindness to me, the attitude he took toward me was hardly compatible, and I never got anything in my favor from him. ; the pity he pretended to have for me did little to help me, but rather to my detriment.He even did what he could to ruin me the means of the profession I had chosen, because he discredited me as a bad copyist: I admit he was telling the truth on this point. , but it is not his turn to tell the truth.He himself employed another copyist, and took away from me every client he could, thus proving that what he said was no joke.It can be said that his purpose is to let me rely on him and rely on his influence to live, and to cut off my source of life completely, and I will not be reconciled if I am not forced to follow his path. Having summed it all up, my reason at last silenced the preconceived notions I had been speaking for him.I think his character is at least very suspicious.As for his friendship, I judge it to be false.I resolved, therefore, not to see him any more, from certain indisputable facts, and notified Madam d'Epinay of my resolution; but I now forget those facts. She vehemently opposed my resolution, and did not know how to explain my reasons.She hadn't consulted with him then.But the next day, instead of explaining it to me herself, she handed me a very ingenious letter drafted together by them, in which she defended him, saying that everything was due to his restrained nature, and that he The detailed facts were not mentioned, and I thought it a crime to suspect him of treachery to his friends, and urged me to make peace with him.This letter (see No. 48 of A Letter) has shaken me.We had another conversation later, and I felt that she was more prepared than the first conversation. In this conversation, I completely let her win: I even believe that I may be wrong in judgment. If so, then I am right. A friend who has done the most injustice deserves an apology.In short, I made, as I had done to Diderot and the Baron Holbach many times, half of my own will, half of weakness, all the gestures of reconciliation which I had a right to demand; It was as if I were another Georges Tandan, going to Grimm to ask pardon for the insult he had given me; always with the false belief that all wrongs could be solved if you were only gracious, This one false belief has led me to countless acts of groveling before my pretended friends all my life.In fact, on the contrary, the more a wicked person can't find a reason to hate, the stronger his hatred will become, and the more he feels that he is wrong, the more he will hold hatred towards the other party.I need not depart from my own experience to find in Grimm and Tronchamp two very strong proofs of this assertion: they were my two most mortal enemies simply out of Their own interests, their own idiosyncrasies, there is no excuse for me to feel sorry for them both.Their anger is increasing day by day, just like a tiger, the easier it is to vent its anger, the greater its anger. I fully expected that Grimm would be ashamed to see me so condescending and making peace first, and would receive me with open arms and the most cordial friendship.But he received me like a Roman emperor, with such arrogance as I have never seen in my life.I was not at all prepared for such a reception.When I played such an inappropriate role, I felt embarrassed, and after explaining my purpose in a few words shyly, instead of offering me grace and forgiveness, he grandly read a long precept prepared in advance, in which he listed his Many rare virtues.Especially when it comes to making friends.He spent a long time emphasizing one thing that surprised me.That is: his friends never forsake him.He was talking there, and I was thinking to myself: It would hurt me if I were the only exception to this rule.He went on and on with airs, and I couldn't help thinking that if he really followed his heart in this respect, he would pay less attention to this maxim, and in fact he only regarded it as a It's just a wrist used to climb up.Hitherto I, like him, had always kept all my friends; I had not lost a friend since my childhood, except when he died, and yet, till then, I had never lost It's one thing, not a principle that leads to self-discipline.Well, since this is a common advantage that both of them have, if he didn't want to deprive me of this advantage in advance, why should he brag about himself so much?Then he got bent on embarrassing me, and produced some evidence that our mutual friends loved him and not me.Well, I know as well as he does that there is such a preference among friends; the question is why he has acquired this preference, is it because of high morals, or because of cunning?By exalting my reputation, or by trying to bring me down?Finally, when he lifted himself up and put me down to the fullest, and made me feel that the pardon he was about to bestow was hard-won, he kindly gave me a kiss of reconciliation, hugged me lightly, and Like a king embracing a newly created knight.I seemed to have fallen from a cloud, tongue-tied, not knowing what to say.The whole scene is as if the teacher reprimanded the pupil and spared him the whip.Whenever I think of this scene, I can't help but feel how gullible it is to judge by appearances, and how much importance is attached to such judgments by appearances!I also feel how often the guilty are bold and arrogant, while the innocent are ashamed and embarrassed! We were at last reconciled; and this was, after all, a relief to my heart, for any quarrel or quarrel would be tormented.As you can of course guess, such a reconciliation would not change his attitude, it would only remove my right of appeal to him.So I resolved to bear everything and say nothing more. So many troubles came one after another, and I was so depressed that I lost the power of self-control.Saint-Lambert did not reply, Madame d'Houdetot was estranged from me, and I dared not confide in anyone any more, and I began to fear that I should make friendship the idol of my soul, and waste my whole life chasing phantoms. .After this trial, of all my acquaintances, only two remained who retained all my admiration and confidence in my heart: one was Duclos, who, since my seclusion at the Hermitage, had There was no news of him; the other was Saint-Lambert.I thought that if I could apologize to Saint-Lambert, I would do better than to confide to him all that was pressing on my heart, so I decided to confess everything to him without embarrassing his lover.I don't doubt that the method I chose was a trap set by an old love, in order to get me closer to her; but on the other hand, this is also my sincerity: I wish I could throw myself into her heart without reservation. Lover's arms, fully receiving his guidance, raised my confession to the highest possible height.I was about to write another letter to him, and when I believed that it would be difficult to get his reply, I suddenly heard a piece of news, and I knew the reason why he did not reply to my first letter.It turned out that he failed to endure the hard work of that campaign to the end.Madame d'Epinay told me that he had just been stricken with paralysis, and that Madame d'Houdetot herself had at last become ill with grief, and could not write to me immediately.Two or three days later she informed me from Paris, where she was, that he had been sent to Aachen for the mineral baths.I dare not say that this sad news has caused me as much sorrow as hers, but I do not believe that my sorrow and pain are less than hers.I was sorry for his being so ill, and still more sorry for the fear that his illness might be affected by a restless mood, which struck me more than anything I had ever suffered; and I felt very badly that, in my own estimation, I did not have the necessary strength to endure so many troubles.Fortunately, this heroic friend did not keep me in this depression for long. Although he was ill, he did not forget me. I soon learned from his personal letters that I had overestimated his mood and illness. broken.But now the time has come to speak of the great upheaval of my fortunes, of the great catastrophe that divided my life into two distinct parts, and which, due to a trifling cause.It had such terrible consequences. One day, quite unexpectedly, Madam d'Epinay sent for me.As soon as I entered, I noticed an extraordinary panic in her eyes and in her whole demeanor, which especially attracted my attention, because no one can control her facial expressions and movements better than her. . "My friend," she said to me, "I'm going to Geneva; I've got a bad breast, and I'm too slack to leave everything and go to Tronchiant, and ask him to diagnose me." It was the beginning of winter, and I was amazed at the suddenness of this decision, especially since I had been away from her for thirty-six hours, and she hadn't mentioned it at all.I asked her who she was going to take with her.She said she was going to take her son and Mr. Rinan, and then she added casually, "And you, my bear. Don't you have one too?" I don't believe she's serious because She knew I could hardly even get out the door in the beginning of the season, so I made a joke that escorting patients wasn't much use.She herself didn't appear to have really intended to make the suggestion, so that's out of the question, and we just talked about her preparations for the trip.She was busy making arrangements and decided to leave in half a month. I didn't need great insight to understand that this trip had a motive that was kept secret from me.This secret was known to everyone in the family except me; and it was discovered by Thérèse the next day, when it was revealed to her by Thecher, the steward, who in turn knew it from the maid. of.Since Madame d'Epinay did not tell me the secret herself, I am under no obligation to keep it for her.Notwithstanding this, it is too involved with those from whom it was brought to my ears, from whom I cannot separate it, and therefore I will keep my mouth shut about the matter.But these secrets, though they will never escape from my mouth or from my pen, have already been known to too many people, because everyone in Madam d'Epinay's circle knows it. When I heard the real motive of this journey, I saw that the hand of an enemy must be secretly pushing me to be Madame d'Epinay's escort.But since she didn't insist, I didn't take the attempt as a serious matter, and just chuckled to myself; if I was so foolish as her escort, I'd be playing a good-looking role Woolen cloth.Besides, my refusal gave her the advantage of having her husband accompany her himself. A few days later I received from Diderot the note transcribed below.This note, folded in this way, so that the whole can be easily read, was sent to me at the house of Madam d'Epinay, and was entrusted to M. de Rinan, the son's tutor and mother's confidant. Note from Diderot (Packet No. 52) I am destined to love you and to give you pain.I have heard that Madam d'Epinay is going to Geneva, but I have not heard that you are accompanying her.My friend, if you are satisfied with Madam d'Epinay, you should go with her; if you are not satisfied with her, you should go.Are you grateful for her kindness?This is just an opportunity for you to repay part of the debt and lighten your burden.In your lifetime, can you find another opportunity to express gratitude to her?She is going to a strange country, and it will be like falling from the clouds.She is a patient, and she needs entertainment and diversion.It's winter!You see, my friend, that your ill-health excuse may be stronger than I believe.But is your body worse today than it was a month ago and after spring in the future?Would it be more convenient for you to travel in three months than it is today?If it were me, let me tell you frankly, if I couldn't get in the car, I would follow her with a stick.And aren't you afraid that people will misunderstand your actions?People will suspect that you are either ungrateful or have ulterior motives.I know very well that no matter what you do, you always have a conscience to testify, but is this proof enough?Is it permissible to ignore the proofs of others to this extent?Besides, my friend, I am writing this note for your sake and for my own sake.If you don't like it, burn it and never mention it again, just as I didn't write this note.I greet you, love you, and hug you. I read the note, trembling with rage, dazed, and barely able to finish it, but that did not prevent me from noticing the artifice: Diderot assumed a tone in this letter more than he had in any other. In other letters he was gentler, kinder, and more polite, and in others he called me at best "my dear," and almost never bothered to call me "friend."I could easily see how this note had come to me in a roundabout way, as the address, the way it was folded, and the way it was delivered had already revealed the twists and turns rather clumsily.Our usual correspondence with each other was by post, or by the courier of Tommorency, and this was the first and only time he had used this method. As soon as the first impulse of my indignation permitted me to write, I hastily sketched the following reply to him, and sent it at once from the Hermitage, where I was then, to be shown to Madam d'Epinay at Madam d'Epinay, and In my blind rage, I will read this reply to her myself, together with Diderot's note. You will neither know, my dear friend, the intensity of my gratitude to Madam d'Epinay nor the duty to which I owe it; Need me, do you really want me to accompany her, don't know if it is possible for me to accompany her, and don't know why I can't accompany her.I do not refuse to discuss all these matters with you; but before doing so, you must admit that it is, my dear philosopher, to prescribe in this way what I should do without first preparing myself for a judgment. , This is to express an opinion as a pure fool.I think the worst of it is that your opinion is not your own.I have a bad temper, and I don't want a third or fourth person to lead me by the nose in your name; besides, I see something in these roundabouts that does not match your frankness. secret.I think, for your sake and for my sake, it would be better for you to be less intrusive from now on. 你怕人家把我的行为往坏处想；可是，我量你那样的一颗心是不至于拿我的心往坏处想的。别人也许会把我说得好些，如果我能多象他们一点的话。愿上帝保佑我，不去求得他们的赞许！让坏人去窥伺我、揣测我好了：我卢梭不是害怕坏人的人，你狄德罗也不是听信坏人的人。 如果我不喜欢你的便条，你就要我把它付之一炬，从此不再提起。你以为从你那里来的东西，人家就能这样轻易忘得了么？我亲爱的，你在给我痛苦的时候毫不顾惜我的眼泪，正如你劝我采取那样的调养办法时毫不顾借我的生命和健康一样。如果你能改掉你这个毛病，你的友谊对于我就会更甜蜜些，而我也就会变得不这么可怜了。 我一进埃皮奈夫人的房门，就看见格里姆跟她在一起，我高兴极了。我就把我这两封信向他们高声朗读，理直气壮到连我自己也不信的地步，而且在念完之后又加上了几句话，不亚于念信时的那种气势。一个平时那么懦怯的人，现在竟然有这么意外的大胆。我看他们俩都垂头丧气，惊愕万分，一句话也答不上来了，我特别看到那个气焰嚣张的人把眼睛望着地，不敢正视我那闪闪的目光。但是与此同时，他在内心深处是发誓要置我于死地的，而我确信他们在分手之前，一定商量好了置我于死地的伎俩。 差不多就在这个时候，我终于从乌德托夫人手里收到了圣朗拜尔的回信（甲札，第五七号），信上还是注明写于沃尔芬毕台尔，日期是在他病倒后不几天，原来我的信在路上耽搁了很久。这封回信带给了我一些我此刻所极端需要的安慰，因为它充满了尊重与友情的表示，给了我勇气和力量，使我能做到不辜负他的这种尊重与友情。从这个时刻起，我就恪尽我的职责了。不过话又说回来，如果圣朗拜尔不是那么通情达理。不是那么豪爽慷慨，不是那么忠厚正直，我一定早就陷入万劫不复之地了。 季节变坏了，大家都开始离开乡村。乌德托夫人通知我她打算来向山谷告别的日期，并且约我在奥博纳会面。这天碰巧就是埃皮奈夫人离开舍弗莱特到巴黎去完成她旅行准备的日子。幸好她是早晨走，我把她送走以后还有时间去跟她的小姑子一起进午餐。我口袋里装着圣朗拜尔的信，我边走边读了好几遍。这封信使我防止了再犯软弱症的毛病。我下定决心，从此只把乌德托夫人看作我的朋友和我的朋友的情侣，并且我做到了这一点。我跟她面对面呆了四五个小时，心里感到一种滋味无穷的平静，即使就享受而论，这种平静也比我直到此时为止在她身边所感到的那阵阵的狂热要好无数倍。她清楚地知道我的心并没有变，所以很能感觉到我为克制自己而作出的努力，因此就格外敬重我，而我也就快慰地看到她对我的友情一点也不曾熄灭。她告诉我，圣朗拜尔不久就要回来，他虽然病体已经基本恢复，却无力再去经受战争的辛苦了，正在办退役手续，以便安安静静地生活在她的身边。我们俩商订了将来我们三人亲密相处的美好计划，而且我们可以希望这个计划能够长久执行下去，因为它的基础是所有能把多情而正直的心灵联合在一起的那些感情，而我们三人又拥有充分的才能和知识，可以自给自足，不需要外界的任何补助。well!我沉醉于这样一种甜蜜生活的希望之中，竟丝毫没想到那正在等候着我的现实生活。 我们接着就谈到我当时跟埃皮奈夫人相处的情况。我把狄德罗的信以及我的回信拿给她看，我对她详细叙述了这个问题的一切经过，并且告诉她我要离开退隐庐的决心。她极力反对，她所列举的理由都在我的心头具有无上的权威。她表示她是多么盼望我去作这一次日内瓦的旅行，因为她预料到，我一拒绝，人家会把她也扯到这里面去的。这一点，狄德罗的信仿佛已经在预告了。然而，由于她跟我自己同样清楚我的理由，所以也就没有坚持；不过她教劝我要不惜任何代价避免把事情闹出来，一定要找些说得过去的理由来掩饰我的拒绝，免得人家胡乱猜疑，以为她在其中有什么关系。我对她说，她所要求于我的可不是那么容易办到，但是，我既决心不惜以名誉为代价来补赎我的过错，只要是在名誉的容许范围内，当然愿意把她的名誉放到第一位。过一会儿就可以看到，我曾否实践了这个诺言。 我可以发誓，我那不幸的热情当时远没有减弱它的力量，我从来也没有象那天一样，把我的索菲爱得那么热烈，那么亲切。但是，圣朗拜尔的信、责任感和对背信弃义行为的憎恶所给我的印象是如此之深，以至在这一次会面中，从头到尾，我的感官竟能让我在她身边保持着充分的平静，甚至连想也没想到要吻她的手。临别时，他就当着她的仆人们的面拥抱了我一下。这一吻，和我以前在树荫下有时偷偷摸摸给她的那些吻就太不相同了。对我来说，它成了一种保证，保证我又恢复了我对自己的控制力：我几乎可以断言，如果我的心能有时间在宁静中坚定下来的话，我用不了三个月就可以从根本上痊愈了。 这里结束了我跟乌德托夫人的私人关系。这种关系，每人都可以根据他自己的心理倾向从外表上去判断，但是在这种关系中，这位可爱的少妇在我身上引起的那种热情，也许任何人都不曾感受到的那种最强烈的热情，由于双方为义务、为荣誉、为爱情、为友谊作出的罕见的痛苦的牺牲，将在天人之间，永远值得人们尊敬。我们彼此都在对方的眼里把自己提得太高了，不可能轻易自甘堕落。一个人除非不值得别人的任何尊敬，才肯失掉如此宝贵的尊敬；我们的强烈的感情是可能使我们犯罪的，但也正因为它是强烈的，才防止了我们去犯罪。 就这样，我跟这两个女人——其中一个，我曾保持那么长久的友谊，而另一个，我曾怀有那么热烈的爱情——在一天之内部分别珍重告别了：一个告别后就终身不再相见，另一个告别后只重逢过两次，在什么情况下，下文我再说明。 她们走了之后，我就感到非常为难，因为我要尽那么多急迫而又互相矛盾的义务——这些都是我过去做事不慎所产生的后果。如果我在正常状态下，在这次日内瓦之行经人提出和遭到我拒绝之后，尽可以安安静静地待下去，再也没有什么可说的了。但是我已经愚蠢地把日内瓦之行搞成一件不能就此了结的事情，我除非迁出退隐庐，否则以后就必须再作解释；可是我又已经跟乌德托夫人讲定，不迁出退隐庐，至少暂时不迁。而且，她又曾要求我在我的那些所谓朋友面前说明一下我拒绝这次旅行的理由，以免人家说是她策动的。然而我若说出真正的原因，就不能不辱没埃皮奈夫人。论埃皮奈夫人为我做过的一切，我当然是要感激她的。左思右想，我发现我正面临着这样严酷的、却又不能避免的抉择：或者是对不起埃皮奈夫人，或者是对不起乌德托夫人，再不然就对不起我自己；我采取了最后这条道路。我坚决地、彻底地、毫不动摇地采取了这条道路，怀着一种慷慨牺牲的精神，一定要洗清那些把我逼到这种窘境的过错。这种牺牲，我的仇人曾巧妙地加以利用，并且也许是他们早就等待着的，它造成了我的名誉的破产，并且由于他们的活动，把社会上对我的尊敬全剥夺净尽了；但是它恢复了我对我自己的尊敬，并且在我的种种不幸之中使我得到安慰。人们将可以看到，这不是我作出这样的牺牲的第一次，也不是人家利用我的牺牲来打击我的最后一次， 格里姆是唯一在表面上与这件事没有任何关系的人，我就决计向他申诉。我给他写了一封长信，说明把这次日内瓦之行作为我的一种义务来看，未免有点可笑，我在旅途中对埃皮奈夫人不但毫无用处，甚至会造成麻烦，而且旅行的结果又会给我带来种种不便。我在这封信里还情不自禁地让他看出，我是知道底细的，人们认为我应该作这次旅行，而他自己却脱了身，别人连提也不提他，我觉得很离奇。在这封信里，我既不能明白说出我的理由，就不得不常常支吾其词，因而在社会上一般人的心目中，显得我有很多不对的地方。但是，对象格里姆那样了解我言外之意并且充分了解我的行为的人来说，这封信是极为含蓄的。我甚至不怕再加上一个于我不利的臆测，假定别的朋友也有与狄德罗相同的意见，以便暗示乌德托夫人也曾有这样的想法——这一点倒是真的，可是我就没有提起乌德托夫人后来听到我的理由便改变了主张。我要为她开脱，使人家不会怀疑她曾与我串通，最好的办法莫过于在这一点上显出对她不满。 这封信最后以对对方表示极大的信任作结束，这种信任，任何别人都会受到感动的；因为，我恳切地要求格里姆在权衡我的理由之后把他的意见见告，还明白向他表示，不论他的意见如何，我都会照办的。我心里的确也是想照他的意见去办，即使他的意见是要我前去；埃皮奈先生既然亲自陪他的妻子旅行，我若同往，事情的面目就完全不同了，而在以前，人家是想把这个差使交给我的，只是在我拒绝之后才找到了他。 格里姆的回信，我等了很久才来；这是一封很离奇的信。我把它（见甲札，第五九号）转录于下： 埃皮条夫人启程的日子推迟了；他的儿子病了，必须等他痊愈。我将慢慢考虑你的信，你安安静静地待在你的退隐庐吧。我将把我的意见及时告诉你。既然她几天内肯定不会动身，那就不用着急。目前，如果你认为合适的话，可以向她提出你愿意为她效劳，不过我觉得提不提也都差不多，因为我跟你自己一样地清楚你的处境，毫不怀疑她会对你的提议作出恰如其分的答复的：我看你这样做，唯一的好处就是你将来可以对敦促你去的人们说，你之所以没有去，不是因为你没有自告奋勇。此外，我不明白为什么你一定要说“哲学家”是大家的代言人，为什么他有意要你去，你就以为你所有的朋友都有同样的主张。如果你写信给埃皮奈夫人，她的答复就可以作为你对所有这些朋友的反驳，你心里不是急于要反驳他们吗？goodbye.问候勒·瓦瑟夫人和刑事犯。 我在读这封信时深感惊讶，忐忑不宁地探索它究竟是什么意思，却怎么也琢磨不出来。how!他不直截了当地答复我的信，却要费时间去考虑，仿佛他所费的时间还不够似的。他甚至还通知我，要我暂时等待，仿佛有什么深奥的难题需要解决似的，再不然，仿佛他有什么心思，一定要在透露出来以前，不让我有任何办法猜透。这种提防，这种拖延，这种神秘，究竟是什么意思呢？对别人的信任就是这样报答的么？这种行径算是正直的、善意的吗？我很想对这种行径找出一个于他有利的解释，却怎么也找不到。不论他的意图如何，如果这意图是与我相反的话，他所处的地位是便于他去实现的。而我所处的地位却使我绝对无法加以阻止。他在一个显赫的亲王家里是红人，交际又广，在我们共同的社交圈子里又有风行草偃之势，说出话来就象是圣旨，以他平时的那种机巧，很容易就能开动他的全部机器。而我呢，一个人待在我的退隐庐里。远离一切，没有人给我出主意，跟外界没有任何来往，我没有别的办法，只好等待，只好安安静静地待下来。不过，我给埃皮奈夫人写了一封信，提起她儿子的病，信是写得尽可能客气的，但是我没有中人之计，没有提出要跟她一起走。 在那狠心人把我投进的这种苦痛难堪的惶惑状态之中，我仿佛等候了好几百年。过了八天或十天，我听说埃皮奈夫人已经走了，他的第二封信我也收到了。信只有七、八行，我没有读完……那是一份绝交书，但是其中的措辞，只有怀着不共戴天之仇的人才写得出来，而正因为要极尽侮辱之能事，用词反而显得愚蠢了。凡是他所到之处，他都不准我去，仿像那都是他的藩国，一概不许我入境。他这封信，只要谈的时候稍微冷静一点，就不免哑然失笑。我没有把它录下来，甚至连读也没有读完，就登时把它退回去了，另附上下面这封信；我本来不肯对你有所猜疑，尽管这猜疑是正确的。现在我把你看透了，可惜太晚了。 原来这就是你从从容容思考的那封信：我退还给你，它不是写给我的。你可以把我的信拿给全世界的人看，并且公开地恨我，这样做，将给你减少一项虚伪的行为。 我说他可以把我的前一封信拿给人看，是顶他来信上的一段话的，根据这段话，人们就可以看出他在整个这件事里用了多么奥妙的诡巧。 我已经说过，对于不知底蕴的人，我那封信是有很多地方可以授人以口实的。他看到这一点很高兴，但是怎样能利用这一个有利之点而自己又不受到牵累呢？他把我那封信拿给人看，会受到滥用朋友信任的谴责的。 为了摆脱这种困境，他就想到以极尽尖刻之能事的方式跟我绝交，并且在信里说，他如何恩厚地顾全我，不把我那封信拿出去给人家看。他早就料到，我在气头上一定不接受他那种伪装的小心谨慎，一定会答应他把我的信公开出去：这就正中他的下怀，一切也就照他所布置的那样实现了。他把我的信拿出去传遍巴黎，由他随心所欲地加以解释，然而，这些解释并没有获得他所预期的全部成功。人家并不认为，他骗去了我的一句话，允许他拿我的信去公开，他就能免于物议，叫人家不骂他那么轻率地抓住我的话来害我。人家总是要问问，在私人关系上，我究竟有什么对不起他的地方，能容许他有这样一种强烈的仇恨。最后，人家还觉得，即使我曾做过这样对不起他的事，使他不能不跟我绝交，但朋友之情尽管断绝了，我总还保有若干权利，他不能不予以尊重。但是不幸得很，巴黎人是轻浮的，当时的这种种看法被忘记了，不在场的倒霉蛋就被忽视，在场的走时的人就使人敬畏。恶毒的阴谋活动继续进行，层出不穷，它那花样翻新的效果很快就使前此的一切都泯灭殆尽了。 以上是说明这个人怎样在把我欺骗了那么久之后，终于对我剥下了他的假面具，因为他深信，他把事情已经处理到这种地步，就没有再戴假面具的必要了。我原来还生怕对这个坏蛋有失公允，现在没有这种顾虑，心上感到轻松，让他去扪心自问，从此也就不再想到他了。我收到这封信的一星期之后，又收到埃皮奈夫人从日内瓦寄来的一封信，是复我上一封信的（乙札，第一号）。看她在这封信里生平第一次使用的那种口吻，我就懂得他们俩相信他们所用的计谋万无一失，是配合起来做的，而且，他们既认为已经把我置于万劫不复之地，从此就可以放心大胆地享受落井下石之快了。 我的情况确实是最悲惨的。我看到我所有的朋友都远离我了，既无法知道是怎样疏远的，又无法知道为什么要疏远。狄德罗自夸还是我的朋友，并且是我剩下的唯一的朋友，三个月来就答应来看我，却一直迟迟不来。冬天开始使人感觉到了。随着冬天的到来，我那些惯常的病痛复发了。我的体质虽然健壮，却无法经受得了那么多喜怒哀乐的冲击，我疲惫不堪，不容我再有一点力量、再有一点勇气去抵抗任何事物。即使我有言在先，即使狄德罗和乌德托夫人也劝我此时搬出退隐庐，我也不知道搬到哪里，不知道怎么能一步步地走到要搬去的地方。我待在那里一动也不动，麻木不仁，既不能有所作为，又不能有所思考。只要想到要走一步路，要写一封信，要说一句话，我心里就发慌。然而，我又不能对埃皮奈夫人的信不加辩驳，除非承认我理该受到她和她的朋友打击我的那种种毒手。我决定把我的心情和我的决定通知她，没有一刻怀疑到她会不出于人道、慷慨、礼数以及我一直以为在她身上看到的那些好情好意——虽然也有恶情恶意，而赶忙予以首肯的。我的信如下： 一七五七年十一月二十三日，于退隐庐 假使优能伤人，我早已不在人世了。但是，我最后总算作出了我的决定。友谊在我们之间已经熄灭了，夫人！然而，不复存在的友谊也还保有一些权利，我是懂得什么是应该尊重的。我绝没有忘掉你对我的那些恩惠，因此，你可以放心，对于一个不应该再爱的人所能感到的一切激情，我还是有的。任何其他的解释都无济于事：我有我的良心，请你也问问良心吧。我曾想离开退隐庐，我本来应该这样做。可是有人认为我必须待在这里，直到来春再离开；既然我的朋友要我这样做，我就在这里待到来春了——如果你同意的话。这封信写好发出之后，我就只想在退隐庐安静下来，将养身体，努力恢复精力，并采取措施，以便来春不声不响地迁出。不显得彼此决裂。然而，格里姆先生和埃皮奈夫人所打算的并非如此，待一会儿就可以看到。 过了几天，我总算有幸受到狄德罗的那一次屡约屡爽的拜访了。这次拜访，来得再及时也没有了，他是我最老的朋友，也几乎是我还剩下的唯一的朋友。人们当然可以想象到我在这种环境中看到他时的那种快慰之情，我有满腔的话要说，我就向他尽情倾诉。有许多事实，人家在他面前隐瞒了的、掩饰了的、捏造出来的，我都给他说清楚了。过去的一切，凡是我可以对他说的，我都告诉了他。我绝没有企图把他知道得太清楚的事对他隐瞒起来，就是说，一场既糊涂而又不幸的恋爱成了使我身败名裂的导火线；但是我始终没有承认乌德托夫人知道我这份爱情，或者，至少我没有承认我曾对她说明我爱她。我跟他谈到埃皮奈夫人为了查出她小姑子的那些纯洁无邪的信所使用的卑鄙手腕，我要他从她所企图买通的两个女人的口里直接听听那些详细情形。戴莱丝是一五一十地如实对他说了，但是轮到母亲说的时候，她一口咬定所有这一切她什么都不知道。我心里是多么惊愕呀！她就是这么说的，始终不肯改口。不到四天以前，她还把那些情形原原本本地对我重述了一遍，现在她竟在我朋友面前冲着我的脸来否定了！这一点，我觉得是有决定意义的，我这时才痛切地感到，我过去太不谨慎，竟把这样一个女人留在我身边这么久。我并没有多费唇舌去痛骂她一顿，连几句蔑视的话几乎都不对她说。我感到我对她女儿应该感激，女儿的正直恰与母亲的卑鄙懦弱形成一个明显的对照。但是从那时起，我对那个老太婆，决心是抱定了；只等机会去执行。 这个机会比我预期的来得早。十二月十日我接到埃皮奈夫人答复我前函的信（乙札，第—一号）。The content is as follows: 一七五七年十二月一日，于日内瓦 我给予你一切可能的友谊与关切的表示，已经好几年了，现在我剩下要做的，只有可怜你。你真是不幸。但愿你的良心也和我的良心一样平静。这可能对我们的生活的安宁是必要的。 既然你曾想离开退隐庐，而且本来就应该这样做，我很惊讶你的朋友们竟把你留了下来。要是我，义务所在，我就不请教我的朋友们，因此，关于你的义务，我也再没有什么可说的了。 这样出乎意料的、却又是这样明白说出的一道逐客令，不容我有片刻的犹豫了。不论天气如何，不论我的情况如何，哪怕是在树林里、在当时覆盖大地的积雪上过夜，也不管乌德托夫人再说什么，做什么，我都必须立刻迁出。我很愿意事事迁就乌德托夫人，但不能迁就到叫我没脸做人的地步。 我陷入了平生仅有的最艰难的窘境之中；但是我的决心已经下定了：我发誓，无论如何，到第八天就不在退隐庐过夜。我开始履行我的义务，把我的衣物检出来，决计宁可把它扔到田野里，也不能到第八天后还不退还钥匙，因为我急于要在人们能给我写信到日内瓦和我能得到复信之前把一切都办好。我有了从来不曾感到的勇气，全身的精力又来了。荣誉与愤慨使我恢复了埃皮奈夫人所没有料到的那种精力。时运又来协助我的大胆。孔代亲王的财务总管马达斯先生听人说起我的窘境，派人给我提供了一所小房子，这是他自己的，坐落在他那座路易山的花园里，就在蒙莫朗西。我怀着感激的心情连忙接受了。条件很快就谈好；我匆匆地叫人买了几件家具，连同我自己已有的。供戴莱丝和我两人住宿之用。我又叫人用手车把衣物都搬了去，困难既大，耗费又多；尽管是冰天雪地，我的家两天就搬好了。十二月十五日我就退了退隐庐的钥匙，并且事先付了园丁的工资——房租我是付不起的。 至于勒·瓦瑟太太，我向她宣布，我们必须分开；她的女儿起初还想动摇我，我却一点不为所动。我叫她带着她和她女儿共有的衣物和家具，乘邮车到巴黎去了。我给了她一点钱，另外，不管她住在她的儿女家里或住在别处，负责替她付房租，并且说明将来尽我力之所及，供给她的生活费用，只要我自己有饭吃，绝不让她吃不上饭。 最后，我到路易山的第三天，就给埃皮奈夫人写了下面这封信： 一七五七年十二月十七日，蒙莫朗西 夫人，当你不赞成我再待下去的时候，没有比搬出你家的房子更简单、更必要的事了。我一知道你不肯同意我在退隐庐度过残冬，就在十二月十五日离开了退隐庐。我的命运就是这样，住进去不由我，搬出去也不由我。我感谢你邀我前去居住；如果我付的代价不是那么大的话，我还会更加感谢你呢。此外，你觉得我不幸，这是对的；天下人没有比你更清楚知道我是多么不幸的了。错交了朋友固然是不幸，从那么甜蜜的一个错误中醒悟过来又是一个不幸，其残酷的程度，殆有过之无不及。 以上是我寓居退隐庐以及使我搬出退隐庐的种种原因的忠实记录。我不能中断这段叙述，将它极精确地写下来是必要的，因为我一生中的这一个阶段曾对我以后的生活发生过影响，并且这影响还将继续到我最后一息。