Chapter 6 Chapter 3-1

third chapter I left Madame de Verseris's just as I entered it, almost the same.I went back to my landlady's house for five or six weeks.During this period, because I was young and strong and had nothing to do, I was often depressed.I was restless, dreamy, dreamy, sometimes weeping, sometimes sighing, sometimes wishing for a happiness that I didn't know and felt wanting.This situation cannot be described, and few people can even imagine it, because most people are intoxicated with longing for this abundant life that is both infinitely troublesome and very sweet, before it comes. Here, a foretaste of deliciousness.My bubbling blood kept filling my brain with images of girls and women; but, knowing no real use for them, I had to let them bustle about according to my whims, except How else to do it, I don't understand at all, these fancies keep my faculties in a constant state of unbearable excitement, but fortunately my fancies have not taught me how to relieve them. an uncomfortable state.I would give my life if I could meet a girl like Miss Gordon and spend fifteen minutes with her.However, this is no longer the time for innocent children's play.Shame, this companion of evil consciousness, increased with age, and this intensified my natural shyness to an insurmountable degree; I know that the other party is not that reserved, and I can almost be sure that as soon as I open my mouth, I will definitely get what I want; but if the other party does not first express and force me in some way, I dare not rush to ask for sex.

My boredom developed to a very strong degree, and because my desires could not be satisfied, I provoked them with the most absurd behavior.I often go to dark alleys or hidden corners, so that I can appear to the opposite sex from a distance in the state I want to appear in front of them.It wasn't the obscene part I wanted them to see - I didn't even think about it, it was just my butt; the stupid pleasure I had to expose myself to women was hilarious.I felt that this was but a step away from the treatment I craved, and I had no doubt that if I had the courage to wait, there would be some bold woman who would pass me by and give me a pleasure.As a result, the mess made by this stupid behavior is almost as ridiculous, but it is not very happy for me.

One day, I came to the end of a courtyard where there was a well, and the girls in this courtyard often came to draw water from the well.At the end of the courtyard there was a small slope, from which several passages led to the cellar.I looked at these underground passages in the gloom, and I thought they were long and dark, so I thought that these paths were not dead ends, and I thought that if people saw me or tried to arrest me, I could find a safe refuge there. Place.With this self-confidence, I made some strange gestures to the girls who came to draw water, which were not so much seduction as ridiculous practical jokes.The most shrewd girls pretended not to see anything; others only smiled; still others, thinking they were insulted, cried out.Someone was coming towards me, so I fled into the shelter.I heard a man's voice, which I didn't expect. I panicked, and ran into the tunnel at the risk of losing my way.The noise, the uproar, the man's voice, was following me.I had hoped that I could hide in the darkness, but unexpectedly there was light in front of me.I was trembling all over, and I went in for a while, but a wall blocked the way, and I couldn't go any further, so I had to stay there to my fate.After a while I was caught up by a big guy.The big man had a big beard, a big hat, and a waist knife.He was followed by four or five old women with broom handles, and among them I saw the little girl who denounced me, and she must have wanted to see me for herself.

The man with the knife grabbed my arm and asked me sharply what I was doing there.As you can imagine, I didn't have words ready to reply.However, I calmed down, and at this critical moment, I came up with a legendary escape plan from my brain, which overcame some defects in the Democritus theory and made the atom theory more perfect. , the result is fine.I begged him with a pleading voice, begging him to take pity on my youth and my situation, I said I was a foreigner from a wealthy family, but I was insane, because my family wanted to lock me up, I escaped Well, if he handed me over, I would be doomed. If he was willing to magnanimously let me go, I would repay his great kindness one day.My words and my appearance had an unexpected effect: the formidable man softened his heart, gave me a word or two of reproaches, and let me slip away without further questions.When I went away, the young girl and the old women looked unhappy, and I thought that the man I was so afraid of had done me such a good job. Had they been alone, I would not have gone so cheaply. dropped.I don't know what they whispered, but I don't care much, because as long as the waist knife and the man don't care, a quick and strong person like me can rest assured that the weapons in their hands are against themselves. Not mine.

A few days later, I was walking on the street with my neighbor, a young priest, and we met the man with the knife face to face.He recognized me, and said to me mockingly, imitating my tone: "I'm a prince, I'm a prince; I'm a fool; please tell your highness not to come here again." Besides, he Didn't say much.I lowered my head and ran away, but I was grateful to him for showing me such mercy.I saw that those wicked old women must laugh at him for being too gullible.But though he was a Piedmontese, he was an honest man, and when I think of him, I cannot help being grateful.For it was so ridiculous that anyone but him would have disgraced me just for the sake of it.This adventure, though without the consequences I dreaded, kept me honest for a long time.

During my stay at Madame de Verseris's I acquired several friends with whom I frequently kept company, and which I hoped would someday be of some use to me.One of them was Father Savoie, whom I often visited, known as Monsieur Game.He was the teacher of the children of the Earl of Mellaride.He was young and had few acquaintances, but he was very sensible, honest, and learned, and one of the most noble and good men I have ever known.It was not any patronage that I expected to attract me to him, and his own fame was not enough to fit me in a proper place; what is needed, that is, sound moral instruction and sound wisdom.In the shifts of my inclinations and thoughts, either too high or too low; now Achilles, now Thersites, now a hero, now a villain.Father Gaim tried his best to persuade me to be a good-natured person, to make me know myself correctly, and he neither appeases me nor disappoints me.During the conversation, he respected my nature and talents very much, but at the same time pointed out to me the obstacles he saw that hindered my development; The ladder of wealth is rather the guarantee that makes me not envious of wealth.I only have some wrong concepts about life, but he painted a true picture of life for me; he pointed out to me how a virtuous person can always move toward happiness in adversity, how to persevere in adversity, and strive to reach the other side of happiness ; he showed me why there is no true happiness without virtue, and why it is possible to be a virtuous man in any situation.He greatly weakened my love of greatness; and at the same time proved to me that those who rule over others are neither wiser nor happier than others.He said something to me that I still remember from time to time, to the effect that if everyone could see what others are thinking, then he would find that there are more people who are willing to retreat than those who want to climb up .This kind of real and moving observation without any exaggeration has given me great help, and made me always be content with my own position throughout my life.He gave me some preliminary and clear concepts of the so-called virtues, and my previous flamboyant tendency was to understand virtues only from the extreme of virtues.He made me realize that the love of noble virtues is not very useful in society.He made me realize that too much excitement can easily turn low; that it takes as much willpower to do one's duty consistently and consistently as it does to accomplish a heroic deed.He also made me realize that doing small things well can lead to more honor and happiness, and being respected often is a hundred times better than being praised several times.

To determine the duties of man, it is necessary to go back to their origin.Besides, because of the path I've taken, and the situation I'm in because of it, of course we have to talk about religion.It is already known that the innate comprehensive judgment ability combined with the innate cognitive form of the subject is formed. The vicar I mentioned in the article "The Vicar of Savoy" is at least mostly based on this noble Mr. Gaim. as typical.However, prudence made him extremely cautious, and he was less candid on some specific points; but otherwise, his teaching, his views, his opinions, were the same, and even Even the words that persuaded me to return to my hometown were the same as what I would publish publicly later.What he said, therefore, is as anyone can imagine, and I need not dwell on it.I will say only one thing: that his lessons were wise, and that at first they were vain, but became in me the germs of morality and religion, which never withered, and only waited to be cultivated by a lovelier hand. It will bear fruit.

Although my conversion was not very solid at the time.I am not without emotion.Far from disliking his talk, I liked it very much because of the simplicity of his work, and especially I felt an inner concern in his words.My heart is originally very warm, and I love those who wish me well more than those who actually do me good. In this respect, my senses are keen, and I cannot be mistaken.So, I really love Mr. Game.I became, so to speak, his second disciple, and it was of immeasurable advantage to me even at that time, for he turned me back at the very moment when my idleness led me down the sinful descent. up.

One day, quite unexpectedly, Count Roque sent for me.In the past, because I had been there many times without seeing him, I couldn't help feeling bored, so I didn't go again.I think he has either forgotten me, or has a bad impression of me.Actually I was wrong.He had seen me happily working at his aunt more than once, and he had even spoken to her about his impressions.I don't even remember this incident now, but he still talked to me again and again.He received me kindly, and told me that he had been trying to find me a job, and he had now, rather than make a few nice promises and jokes.He put me on a promising path and it was all up to me as to what to do next.The family he was sending me to was powerful and famous, and I could rise to the top without having to find another protector; although at first, because I was a servant, I could only be treated like a servant, but he said I can rest assured that I will not always be called a servant if they see that my knowledge and conduct are above my rank.The end of this conversation greatly dilutes the good hopes I had begun with.I complained in my heart and said: What!Always be a servant!However, this idea was soon dispelled by a kind of self-confidence.I don't think I was born to be a servant, and I don't need to be afraid that others will make me a servant.

He sent me to the house of the Comte de Goofon.The Comte de Gouvon was the queen's first vassal, patriarch of the illustrious House of Solar.The majesty of this venerable old man made his genial reception all the more impressive to me.He asked me a few words with great concern, and I answered him sincerely and frankly.He said to Earl Rock that my appearance is very cute and "logical atomism." From 1898 to 1911, he mentioned again with Moore and Whitehead that he must be very talented; So everything is decided, and we have to look at other aspects; then he said to me: "Son, everything is always difficult at the beginning, but your matter is not too difficult at the beginning. Be honest and obedient, and your ideas will satisfy everyone. This is the only job you have at present. Besides, you have courage and perseverance; we will take care of you." He immediately took me to the room of his daughter-in-law, the Marchioness of Breyer, and introduced me to her, and went on Then he introduced me to his son, Father Gufeng.This kind of beginning I think is a good omen.I have had enough experience to judge that there is no such courtesy in admitting a servant.In fact, they didn't treat me like a servant either.I dined with the stewards, and I was not asked to wear a servant's livery; the young and indiscreet Count de Favría asked me to stand behind his carriage, but his grandfather forbade me to follow any carriage, and forbade me Go out with anyone.However, I still had to serve other people to eat, and I did something like a servant in the house; but I was quite free, and I was not assigned to serve any one person.Apart from writing a few letters dictated by others, or sometimes cutting a few sheets of paper for Count Favria, I spent almost the whole day at my own disposal.I did not realize that such conditions of life were dangerous, even unnatural, because such long periods of idleness would introduce vices which I would not otherwise have had.

But luckily that didn't happen.As Mr. Game's teachings are so deeply imprinted on my heart, and I am so interested in his teachings, I sometimes sneak to him to listen to his instructions again.I am sure that those who see me slipping out from time to time will never guess where I am going.His counsel as to my conduct could not have been more correct.The work I did at the beginning was indeed excellent, and no one was dissatisfied with the diligence, care and enthusiasm I showed.Gaim Shenai taught me wisely: the initial enthusiasm should be enough, otherwise, it will become too obvious when it relaxes later. "Your performance when you first came," he said to me, "is the standard that people will expect of you in the future. You must be good at using your strength so that you can do more work in the future, but you must pay attention to your work. Don't be anticlimactic." As my little talents are not noticed, but only a little natural, it seems that they do not want to take advantage of my strengths, although the Count has talked to me a lot about it.At this time, many things came together to get in the way, and I was almost forgotten.The Marquis de Breyer, the son of Count Gouvon, was the ambassador to Vienna. The turmoil that happened at the court at that time was also reflected in the family. It has been in chaos for several weeks, and he has no time to think about my affairs. up.Before that, I didn't slack off on my work.At this time, something happened to my advantage and harm. On the one hand, it freed me from external temptations, and on the other hand, it also made me somewhat distracted from my duties. Miss de Breyer was about my age.She was graceful and pretty, with a fair complexion and black hair, though in the soul of a brunette it was immortal.He was the founder of formal logic, and studied it, but there was an air of tenderness in the blonde in her face, which my heart could not resist.The court gown, well suited to a young girl, accentuates her beautiful figure, revealing her breasts and shoulders, and especially since she is in mourning, her complexion is more radiant and charming.It was said that a servant should not notice such things.Of course, I shouldn't have noticed this, but I did, and I wasn't the only one who noticed.The butler and the servants used to speak of it at table in such coarse terms that it made me very sick to hear it.I wasn't so confused that I really wanted to be a lover right away; I didn't forget who I was at all, I kept my place and I didn't have any delusions about it.I like to see Miss Breyer, and I like to hear a few words from her that are witty, sensible, and virtuous.My ambition was limited to the pleasure I derived from serving her, never exceeding my own authority.At mealtimes, I try to find opportunities to exercise this authority.If her servant left her side for a while, I went to replace him immediately, and if not, I stood opposite her, looked into her eyes, saw what she needed, and looked for an opportunity to change her plate. .How I wish she'd tell me to do something, wink at me, say something to me!However, as a result, I get nothing.The most uncomfortable thing for me is that she doesn't see me at all, and she doesn't pay attention to me standing there.But her brother sometimes talked to me during meals.Once he said something to me that was not very polite, and I gave him a very tactful and tactful answer, which caught her attention and gave me a look.Although it was a brief glimpse, it made me feel excited from the bottom of my heart.The next day, I was offered another such opportunity, which I made good use of.That day, at a great banquet, I saw for the first time the butler with a dagger at his waist and a top hat on his head, which surprised me a lot.By chance the conversation turned to the inscription "TelfiertquinetuePas" of the Solar family embroidered on a tapestry with the noble emblem.Since the Piedmontese were not familiar with French, one thought there was a calligraphic error in the inscription, saying that the word "fiert" had an extra "t". The old Count Gouvon wanted to answer; but, when he saw that I was only smiling but dared not say anything, he called me to speak.So I said; "I don't think the 't' is superfluous, because 'fiert' is an old French word, not from the noun 'ferus' (Zunda; Weihe), but from the verb 'ferit' (He struck, he wounded) came; so the meaning of this inscription, as far as I can see, is not 'power but not kill', but 'strike but not kill'." Everyone stared at me, looking at each other without saying a word.Never in my life have I seen anyone so surprised.But what pleased me most was the evident satisfaction on Miss Breyer's face.The very haughty girl gave me another look, this time at least as valuable as the first.Then she turned her gaze to her grandfather, as if impatiently waiting for the compliment he was due to give me.The old count paid me the greatest and most perfect compliments with such satisfaction that all present were quick to speak in unison.Although this moment is short, it is refreshing from all aspects.It was a rare moment, which restored the reasonable order of things, and avenged my talents which, by the oppression of fate, had despised.A few minutes later, Miss Breyer looked up at me again, and in a shy and kindly voice asked me to get her some water.It is conceivable that I should never have kept her waiting; but, when I approached her, I was so flattered that I trembled, and I overfilled my glass; On the plate, even spilled on her body.Her brother asked me boldly why I was shaking so much.This question unnerved me all the more, and Miss Breyer blushed, even the whites of her eyes. This is the end of the story.The reader will see that in this case, as in the case of Mrs. Basile, and indeed in the whole of my subsequent life, my love affair has never had a happy ending.I waited in Madame Breyer's outer room with empty enthusiasm, and received no further sign of attention from her daughter.Watch as she comes out and in.It is asserted that reality is experience, and the subjective experience effect is to judge the reality of things. I don't even look at me, and I hardly dare to look up at her.I was so stupid and clumsy that one day, when she passed by the outer room, she dropped a glove. Instead of running to the glove that I longed to kiss, I just stayed there, not daring to move. A fat, fat guy I wish I could have strangled picked up that glove.I could see that I was not in Mrs. Breyer's favour, which made me even more timid.This lady not only ordered me to do nothing, but never accepted my services; twice she saw me waiting in her outer room, and asked me, in a very cold tone, if I had nothing to do. It was done, and so I was obliged to leave this lovely out room; at first, I was sorry, but soon other things came up, and I no longer thought about it. Although Mrs. Breyer looked down on me, her father-in-law's kindness to me was enough to relieve my troubles, and he finally saw my existence.He talked with me for half an hour on the evening of the party I have just mentioned, and he seemed to be pleased with the conversation, and I was very pleased.This kind old man is also a man of talent and learning. Although he is not as learned as Mrs. Verseris, he is more enthusiastic than Mrs. Verseris. I am more satisfied with everything in his presence.He asked me to attend to his son, Father Gufeng, and said that the priest liked me very much, and that if I could make good use of this kind of attention, it would not only be beneficial to me, but it would also enable me to be able to serve others in my place. Conditions that are lacking in the assigned work.The next morning I hurried to the priest's place.He treated me not at all as a servant, and sat me down by his fire, and questioned me in the most amiable manner, and saw at once that I had learned many things, but learned nothing of them.He especially thought my Latin was poor, and intended to teach me Latin further.We agreed that I would go to him every morning, and I started going the next day.This is a strange thing that has happened to me many times in my life; at the same time, I am both above and below my own status. When he was a servant, he had a famous tutor that only the son of a king could get. Mr. Gufeng is the youngest son of his family; his family wants to train him to be promoted to the post of bishop; so his education is higher than the ordinary education received by ordinary children of famous families.He had been sent to the University of Siena, from which he had brought with him a considerable study of rhetoric; which had brought him to Turin what the Abbe Danjou had formerly been to Paris.Disinterested in theology, he devoted himself to literature.This is a common occurrence among priests in Italy.He has read a lot of poetry.He could also write decent Latin and Italian verse.In a word, he had the taste I needed to cultivate my taste, and enough interest to sort out the mess that filled my brain.But, perhaps because my talkativeness made him confused about how learned I was, and perhaps because he found elementary Latin textbooks too boring, he taught me a lot of esoteric things at first; After Loos' fables, he taught me to translate Virgil, which I knew almost nothing about.This, as you will see later, doomed me to constant review of Latin in the future, and at the same time doomed me to never learn it well.In fact, I am very enthusiastic about learning, and I am still very grateful for the kindness of this priest who taught me tirelessly.I spend a good part of the morning with him, giving me half the time he gives me lessons and half the time I give him some work; I do everything for him personally, I just record or transcribe something for him or at his dictation; I benefit more from being a secretary than I do from being a student.Not only did I acquire pure Italian, but I also developed an interest in literature, and at the same time acquired a certain ability to recognize good books, which I would not have obtained with the Tribe bookseller, which was very important to me. Engaging in solo writing later on helped a lot. It was a time in my life when I was not only free from wild fantasies, but could quite reasonably expect myself to achieve something.The priest was very pleased with me, and told everyone that his father liked me better.Count Favria once told me that he had mentioned me before the king.Mrs. Breyer also gave up her contempt for me.In the end, I finally became a celebrity in his family. Han Fei was a thinker at the end of the Warring States Period and a representative of Legalism.Philosophically raised, and thus greatly aroused the envy of the other servants; and seeing that I had the honor of being educated by their master's son, they naturally felt that I should not long remain on their equal footing. Hearing other people inadvertently revealed some arrangements for me, I tried to make a judgment and then thought about it carefully. I saw that the Solar family, who intends to seek the post of ambassador and hopes to become a minister in the future, would like to advance Cultivate a talented and capable person; because this person is completely attached to them, he can gain the trust of his family in the future and serve his family faithfully.This plan of the Earl of Gufeng is noble, wise and great, and it is really worthy of the plan of a benevolent and far-sighted nobleman.But the grandeur of the plan, which I did not then grasp, was too deep for my mind, and required too long a submission.My insane ambition is to seek fame only through adventure, and seeing that there is no woman in it, I think this method of success is slow, painful and unpleasant; in fact, the less women are involved in these things, The more I should think this is a more valuable and safe method, because the talents that women cherish are definitely not as good as mine. Everything went very well.Almost everyone's attention had been won: the trials were over; I was regarded in the family as a most promising young man who was being underutilized, and I was expected to find a proper place.But my proper place was not assigned to me, I got it by quite different means.I shall now mention a peculiarity which is inherent in me, and which needs no further reflection than that of stating the fact to the reader. Although there were many reformers like myself in Turin, I did not like them, nor would I have any contact with any of them.However, I have seen a few Genevans who have not converted to Catholicism, and one of them is Mr. Mushar. The demise of the system, the reconciliation of man with nature and man himself.The article shows that Engels, nicknamed Waizui, was a miniature painter and I was somewhat related to him.When this Monsieur Mousard found me at the Comte de Gouvon's, he brought to see me my apprentice's companion, a fellow from Geneva named Buckler, a very amusing, lively man, full of wit. Whispers, all the more catchy because of his young age.I fell in love with him at once, to the point of being unable to leave him, but what a loss it would be to me that he would soon be leaving for Geneva!I think the loss is too great.At least I'm going to make the most of the few days he's still gone, I just can't live without him, or rather, he can't live without me, because at first I wasn't so obsessed with going out without asking for time off that I couldn't live without him all day long. Go outside with him to play.However, it was soon discovered that he came to see me every day and pestered me endlessly, so the porter refused to let him in.This terrified me; I forgot all but my friend Buckle, and I was not at the service of either the divine or the count, and I was scarcely seen at home.They reprimanded me, but if I refused to listen, they threatened me with dismissal.This threat became the reason for my downfall.So I came up with an idea: take this opportunity and I can run away with Buckler.From that moment on I saw no other pleasure, no other fate, no other happiness than to make such a journey.When I think about it, I feel the joy of traveling beyond words.Besides, after this trip, I can still see Madame Warren, although it is very far away; as for returning to Geneva, I have never considered this.Mountains, fields, forests, streams, villages, one after the other, appear one after another in new and moving forms; this happy journey seems to absorb my whole life.I recall with pleasure how moving the same journey was when I came here.Besides, this trip, besides the charm of freedom, has another charm.There is a similar age.How wonderful it would be to have good-natured friends with the same tastes as traveling companions, with no worries, no tasks, no restrictions, and whether to stay or go at your own discretion, how wonderful it would be!A man would be foolish to sacrifice such happiness to the slow, difficult, unreliable realization of ambitious plans.Even if such a plan is finally realized, no matter how brilliant it may be, it cannot compare with the joy of a moment of true freedom in youth. I was so full of wild fantasies that I finally contrived to get them to drive me out, which, to tell the truth, is not an easy thing to do.One evening, when I returned from my absence, the head steward informed me that I was relieved of my duties by order of the count.This is exactly what I wished for, because anyway, I knew what I was doing was absurd.In order to excuse myself, I added a confounding and ungrateful thought, thinking that when someone resigned from me, it happened that I was just wronged by others, so it made sense to me.I was told that the count of Favria had sent me to talk to him before I left next morning; Give me the little money the master is going to give me. Of course, I really don't deserve this money, because the master refuses to make me a long-term servant and doesn't give me a fixed salary. Count Favria, though a very frivolous and naive young man, spoke on this occasion in a very reasonable manner, and I could almost say that he spoke to me in the sweetest terms, for he spoke in a very agreeable manner. Attitude described to me in detail his uncle's concern for me and his grandfather's expectations for me.At last, after clearly pointing out all that I had to sacrifice in order to risk my depravity, he offered me a settlement of his own accord, on the sole condition of severing all relations with the little villain who had seduced me. Obviously, what he said was not his own idea. Although I was as confused as a blind man, I also understood the kindness of the old master to me at this time, so I was very moved.But mutual transformation: "One divides into two, so step by step, and even infinity, it's all two in one lifetime." That kind of lovely travel scene has been deeply imprinted in my imagination, and no force will destroy it. charm.I completely lost my mind, so I became more stubborn and determined. I pretended not to be afraid of anything, and replied arrogantly: "Since I have been relieved of my position, I have accepted it. Once I have spoken, I cannot take it back." Besides, no matter what, I will never be in the same family in my life, and people will drive me away twice.So, the young man finally lost his temper, and rightfully so.He cursed me a few words, grabbed my shoulders and pushed me out of his room, closing the door behind him.As if I had won a great victory, I walked away in a big way.I was afraid of having to deal with the second battle, so I didn't thank Mr. Gufeng for his kindness to me, and left without saying goodbye despicably. 为了了解我这时糊涂到什么程度，必须知道我的心一向是怎样为了最细微事物而狂热起来，以及怎样拚命想象吸引着我的事物，尽管那些事物有时是十分虚妄的。最离奇、最幼稚、最愚蠢的计划都会引诱我那最得意的空想，使我认为这种计划好象真有实现的可能似的。一个将近十九岁的青年竟把自己来日的生存寄托在一个小玻璃瓶上，有谁能相信呢？然而，请听我说吧。 前几个星期，古丰神父送了我一个玩具，一只非常精美的小型埃龙喷水器，我喜不释手。我和聪明的巴克勒，时常一边玩着这个喷水器，一边谈我们的旅行。有一天，我们忽然想到，喷水器对于旅行很可能有大用处，还可以使我们在旅途中多玩些日子。世界上有什么东西比埃龙喷水器还稀罕呢？我们所憧憬的幸福美梦就是建立在这种幻想上面。每到一个村庄，我们就要把老乡们召集到喷水器跟前来。只要他们一看见这种玩艺儿，盛餐和美食一定会源源不绝地从天而降，丰富异常，因为我们都相信，对于那些收粮食的农人来说，粮食是绝对算不了什么的，如果他们不让我们过路人装满肚子，那就说明他们心眼儿不好。我们想，到处都是盛宴与婚礼，我们只需费点儿说话的气力，只凭喷水器里的那点儿水，就可以不花一文钱走遍皮埃蒙特，走遍萨瓦，走遍法兰西，甚至走遍全世界。我们拟了一个无穷无尽的旅行计划，我们首先取道北上，与其说是因为需要在某个想妥的地方停留下来，不如说是为了享受超过阿尔卑斯山的乐趣。 这就是我开始执行的计划。我毫不惋惜地抛弃了我的保护人、我的教师、我的学业、我的前途；我也不再等候那几乎是已经很有把握的幸福的到来，便开始了一个真正流浪者的生活。再见吧，都城！再见吧，宫廷，野心谈“心性”风气的一种否定。，虚荣心！再见吧，爱情和美人，还有我去年一路而来所盼望的一切奇遇！我带着喷水器和我的朋友巴克勒一起动身了。虽然钱袋里没有几文钱，心里却充满了喜悦。我一心想象着如何享受这次漂泊生活的幸福，从前那些宏伟的计划，我都忽然压缩到这种幸福上了。 这种荒诞的旅行的趣味，的确和我所预想的差不多，但又不完全一样。因为我们的喷水器虽然在旅店里也能偶而博得女主人和女待们一笑，但在临走的时候该付多少钱还得付多少钱。我们并不感到烦恼，我们只想等到我们缺钱的时候再好好地利用一下这东西来救急。一件意外事件使我们心宽了：快到布拉芒时，喷水器坏了；它坏得正是时候，因为我们虽然没有说出来，心里对它已经有点腻烦了。这种不幸反而使我们比以前更加快活，我们大笑我们的轻率，大笑我们对已经破旧的衣服和鞋子毫不在意，竟想依靠喷水器这玩艺儿来获得新衣新鞋。我们和出发时同样快活地继续我们的旅程，只不过是静悄悄地沿着距目的地最近的道路前进，因为逐渐空下来的钱袋迫使我们不得不径直走向目的地。 到了尚贝里后我就沉思起来了，我并不是考虑我最近所做的蠢事，因为从来没有人会那样迅速、那样确切地认清自己过去的所作所为，我考虑的是华伦夫人将怎样接待我，因为我把她的家看作我父母的家。我刚到古丰伯爵那里的时候，曾经给她写过信，她知道我在那里的情况，所以在祝贺我的同时，也给了我一些明智的劝告，教我应该如何报答大家对我的恩情。她认为，只要我自己不犯错误毁坏自己的前途，我的鸿运算是已经走定了。当她看到我回来的时候，会向我说些什么呢？我想她决不会把我推出门外，但是我很怕这会使她伤心。我害怕她的责备，这比我本身受穷还难受。我决心一声不响地忍受一切，要用一切办法来使她安心。现在在这个世界上我只有她一个人了，得不到她的欢心我连活都活不下去。 最使我担心的是我的旅伴。我不愿因他再给华伦夫人添加烦恼，我担心不能顺利地摆脱他。最后那天，我有意早点和他分手，对他便冷淡起来。这个小滑头明白了我的心思，他是个荒唐人了批判，提出“·共·产·主·义是·私·有·财·产即·人·的·，可不是个傻子。我原以为他看到我改变了态度，心里一定会很难受，但是我想错了，我这位朋友巴克勒心里一点儿也不难受。我们刚进安纳西城门口，他就对我说：“你这就到家了。”他拥抱了我，向我告别，一转身就不见了。此后我再也没有听到他的消息。我们的结识和友谊前后总共不过六个星期，然而其结果却影响了我的一生。 我走近华伦夫人房子的时候，我的心跳得多么猛烈啊！我两条腿直哆嗦，眼睛好象蒙上了一层阴云。我什么也看不见了，什么也听不见了，连一个人也辨认不出来了，为了让呼吸正常和恢复知觉，有好几次我不得不停住脚步。是不是因为担心得不到我所需要的接济而心慌意乱到这种地步呢？在我那样的年龄，我会因为怕饿死而如此惊慌吗？不会的，绝对不会的。我敢以真诚和骄傲的心情说：在我的一生中，从没有过因考虑贫富问题而令我心花怒放或忧心忡忡的时候。在我那一生难忘的坎坷不平和变化无常的遭遇中，我常常无处安身，忍饥受渴，但我对豪华富裕和贫穷饥寒的看法却始终不变。必要的时候）我很可能和别人一样，或是乞讨，或是偷窃，但是从未惊慌到这种地步。很少有人象我这样叹息过，也很少有人在一生中象我流过那样多的眼泪；但是我从来没有因为贫穷或怕陷入贫穷而发出一声叹息或掉过一滴眼泪。我的灵魂，虽然饱受命运的考验，可是除了那些与命运无关的幸福和痛苦之外，我从来不知道还有什么是真正的幸福和痛苦。所以，正是在我什么必要的东西都不缺的时候，我才感到自己是人类中最不幸的人。我刚刚出现在华伦夫人的眼前，她的神情就使我放心了。刚一听到她说话的声音，我的心便颤动了一下。我急忙扑倒在她的膝下，在极端欢喜的狂热中，我把嘴贴在她的手上。至于她，我不知道她是否预先知道了我的消息，但是我看她的脸上并不怎样惊异，我也看不出她有丝毫忧郁的神色。她用温柔的口吻对我说：“可怜的孩子，这么说，你又回来啦！我知道你太年轻，不能做这样的旅行；我很高兴，事情至少还没弄到象我所担心的那种地步。”接着她便叫我谈谈我的情况，我的话不多，但十分忠实，虽然我省略了某些情节，可是在我谈话中，我既没有姑息自己，也没有给自己辩解。 现在该解决我的住处问题了。华伦夫人和她的侍女商议了一下。在她们商谈时，我屏住了呼吸，但是，当我听到就叫我住在这里的时候，我简直高兴得控制不住自己了，我看到有人把我的小行李送到指定给我住的房间时，我的感觉差不多象圣－普乐看见自己的马车被带进沃尔马夫人家的车棚时一样。我更加高兴的是，听说这种优遇并不是为时短暂的。在他们以为我心里正想别的事的时候，我听到华伦夫人说：“别人想说什么就说什么吧；既然上帝把他给我送了回来，我就决不能抛弃他。” 我终于这样安顿在她家里了。不过，这样安顿下来还不能说是我一生幸福时日的开端，而只能说是要过幸福日子的准备。虽然这种使我们真正体味到自己生命之乐的内心感觉是自然的赋予，并且也许还是人体机能本身的一种产物，但是还需要有具体环境把它发展起来。如果没有这种引发的条件上帝是万物的本质，万物在上帝之中的泛神论观点。近代首，即使一个人生来就富于感情，他也会一无所感，不曾体味到自己的生命就茫然死去了。在此以前，我差不多就是这样的人，而且，如果我永远不认识华伦夫人，或者就是认识了她，而不曾在她身旁生活相当长的时间，没有受到她对我的那种温柔情感的感染，恐怕我可能永远就是这样的人了。我敢这样说：仅仅感受到爱情的人，还不能感受到人生中最美好的东西。我有一种另外的感觉，这种感觉或许没有爱情那么强烈，但却比爱情要甜蜜千百倍，它有时和爱情连在一起，但往往又和爱情不相关。这种感情也不是单纯的友情，它比友情更强烈，也更温柔。我并不以为它能够发生于同性的朋友之间；至少，我虽然是一个最好交朋友的人，却从没有在任何男朋友身上有过这种感觉。这现在还不十分清楚，但以后会清楚的，因为情感只有通过它的表现才能说清楚。 她住的是一所相当大的古老的房子，其中有一间漂亮的空屋她留作外客厅，现在我就被安排在这里。它的外面正是我们第一次见面时的那个走道，这在上文已经提到过了，从屋内还可以望见小河和花园那边的田野。这种景色不会使住在这里面的一个年青人无动于衷的。这是我离开包塞以后第一次看到自己住室窗外有这样的绿色田野。我一向为墙壁所包围，眼前不是屋顶就是灰色的街道。这种新奇的景象该是多么优美、多么感人啊！它大大加深了我对柔情的倾心。我把这种动人的景色也看作是我那亲爱的保护人的一种恩德，我觉得这种景色是她特意为我布置在那儿的；我想象着自己悠闲恬静地追随在她的身旁；在花红柳绿之间，我处处都能见到她；她的美和春天的美融合在一起，映入我的眼帘。我那颗到现在一直感到压抑的心，在这样的环境中舒展开了，我的呼吸在这果树园中间也更为自由了。 在华伦夫人家中，没有我在都灵所见到的那种豪华；但是这里令人感到的是整洁、庄严以及和浮华奢侈绝不相容的古老世家的殷实富足。在她这里没有什么银质餐具，没有瓷器，餐桌上没有野味，地窖里也没有外国酒，但是，不论是在厨房或是地窖里，都有很丰富的储存，可供大家食用，她还用陶制杯子，给客人盛优等咖啡。不论是谁来找她，她都要留他吃饭：或是和她一同进餐，或是让他单独进餐；不论是工人、信差、过路的人，从没有不吃不喝就离开她家的。她的仆人中间有一个相当漂亮的侍女，是弗赖堡人，名叫麦尔赛莱；有一个男仆是她的同乡，名叫克洛德·阿奈，关于这个人的事我以后再谈；还有一个女厨子和她出门拜客时雇用的两个轿夫，而她是极少出门的。两千利物儿的年金要应付这许多开销，实在不容易；然而在一个土地肥沃、货币值钱的地方，她这笔不大的收入，如果安排得当，原本是足敷应用的。可惜，节约从来不是她最喜爱的品德：她借债来打发一切开销，钱随来随用，手里一个都不剩。 她的理家方式，正好是我想要采用的方式；人们可以相信，我正乐得借此享受一番。使我稍感不快的，就是要在饭桌那儿呆老长时间。华伦夫人怕闻汤菜刚刚端来时的那种气味，一闻几乎就要晕倒一般规律的反映，它又是认识的规律，因此，唯物辩证法既，而且她这种厌恶的感觉要延续很久。她需要慢慢地恢复过来，这时候她只是谈话，一点东西也不吃。半小时之后，她才开始吃点东西。至于我，这样长的时间三顿饭也吃完了；通常，她还没有开始，我早就吃饱了。为了陪她，我还得再开始，这样我就吃了双份，可是我并不觉得这有什么不舒服。总之，我尽情享受着我在她身旁的幸福的甜蜜感觉，特别是在我对维持这种幸福生活的经济条件毫不担忧的时候，这种感觉就更加甜蜜了。最初，我丝毫没有深入了解她的家底，我还以为她的家总是这样呢。就是在以后的一段时间，我在她家里也感到同样的乐趣；但是，当我进一步了解到她家的实际情况，知道她已经预先动用了自己年金的时候，我就不再那样心安理得地感到欢乐了。对于将来的种种考虑总是妨碍着我尽情享受。我预料将来我要落得一场空，而这在我是无法避免的。 从第一天起，我们之间就建立了最亲密的关系，在这以后她的一生中，我们之间总是保持着这种关系。“孩子”是她对我的称呼，“妈妈”则成了我对她的称呼，甚至后来当岁月冲淡了我们二人间的年龄差异的时候，我们也仍旧保持着“孩子”和“妈妈”的称呼。我觉得这两个称呼把我们相互间交往的含意，我们彼此的态度的纯朴，特别是我们心灵间的联系都非常出色地表示出来了。她象最慈爱的母亲那样对待我，从不寻求自己的快乐，只求我的幸福；即使我对她的感情中掺杂有感官成分，但这种成分也不能改变感情的性质，而只能使它更有滋味，只能使我感到有个年轻美丽的妈妈的抚爱而亟思陶醉于这种情趣之中。我说“抚爱”这两个字是就其真正的意义来说的，因为她对我从来就不吝惜亲吻和最温柔的慈母般的抚爱，我也从来没有想滥用这些抚爱。或许有人说，我们最后却有过另一种关系，我承认这一点，但是这要等一等，我不能把所有的事情一下子就说完。 我们第一次见面的一刹那，是她真正使我动情的唯一短暂时刻，就是这个时刻也是由于惊讶而产生的。我那冒昧的眼光从来没有搜寻过她项中以下的部位，尽管这个遮盖得不够严密的丰腴的部位很容易引起我的注意。我在她的身旁既没有冲动的激情，也没有什么热烈的欲望；我只是处于一种迷人的宁静中，享受着一种难以解释的快乐。我可以这样在她身边待上一辈子，甚至永远待下去，也不会感到有片刻的厌倦。我同她单独在一起时从不感到枯燥无味，不象跟别人谈话那样，有时明明觉得十分乏味，但因礼貌关系，又不得不勉强谈下去，活象受刑一般。我们两个人的单独谈话，与其说是在谈什么事情，不如说是在没完没了地闲聊天，一定要有人来打断才会结束。因此，决用不着督促我说话，需要的倒是怎样使我不说话。她由于不断地在考虑自己的计划，往往想得出了神。Ok!就让她凝神沉思吧，我默默地望着她，感到自己是人间最幸福的人。我还有一个非常奇怪的脾气，我虽不强求这种两人独处的优遇，却也不断地在寻找机会，并尽情地享受它，假使有个讨厌的人来扰乱了这个宝贵的时刻，我就会气得发狂。只要有人来，不论是男是女，我就嘟囔着走出去，我不能忍受自己待在她的身旁时有一个第三者在场。我在她的外室一分一秒地数着时间，千百次地咒骂这些久坐不走的客人，我不能想象他们怎么会有这样多的话，因为我自己还有更多的话要谈。 我只有在看不见她的时候才体会到自己是多么热烈地眷恋着她。当我能看到她时，只不过心中快乐而已；可是她不在家的时候，我那惶惶不安的心情甚至变成痛苦的了。渴望和她生活在一起的心清，引起我阵阵的忧思，甚至常常使我落下泪来。我始终记得：在一个大节日分析方法用于语言学研究，强调撤开语言的外部因素的变化，当她上教堂去参加晚祷的时候，我自己到城外去散步，这时心里充满着她的影象和跟她在一起生活的热烈愿望。我自己十分明白，这样的愿望目前是不能实现的，我所享受的如此美满的幸福也不会长久的。这样一想，我的心中就增添了感伤，但这种感伤并不使我沮丧，因为有一个令人欣慰的希望把它冲淡了。那一向使我心弦颤动的钟声，那鸟儿的歌唱，那晴朗的天空，宜人的景色，那疏疏落落的田间房舍——其中有一所被我想象成我们的共同住宅——所有这一切都使我产生了强烈而又温柔的、怅惘而又动人的印象，使我恍若置身于美妙的梦境中；而我那颗心，在这样美妙的住处和美妙的时刻，既然有它所向往的全部幸福，便尽情地来享受，甚至没有想到什么感官之快。我不记得在任何时候，我曾象当时那样，用那么大的力量和幻想去憧憬将来。最使我惊异的是，在这个梦想实现之后，回想起来，竟和我最初所想的完全一样。要是说清醒的人的梦想有点象先知的预感，那一定是指我这个梦想说的。我的想象只是在时间长短上发生了错误，因为我想象有多少日子，多少年，乃至一生都在那种持续不变的宁静中度过，而实际上这只不过是一个短暂的时期。唉，我那最实际的幸福原来也只是一场梦，差不多是它刚要实现时我立刻就醒了。