Chapter 5 Chapter 2-2

Most people complain of lack of strength when it is too late to use it.This may seem sophistry, but that is where my failure lies.Courage is only valuable when we err, and if we were always cautious, we would seldom need courage.But tendencies so easily overcome have an irresistible attraction to us, and we yield to slight temptations only when we despise their danger.We all unknowingly run into situations we could have avoided without any effort.But, having come into such danger, it was impossible to get out of it without amazing heroic fortitude.When we finally fell into the abyss, we cried out to God: "Why did you make me so weak?" God, regardless of our excuses, just replied to our conscience: "I made you too weak so that you can't climb out of the abyss by yourself, because I made you strong enough to prevent you from falling into the abyss."

I haven't made up my mind to be a Catholic yet.But, seeing that the time was still far away, I could slowly get used to the idea of ​​this conversion, and while I was waiting, I thought that some unexpected event might happen to rescue me from my difficulty.In order to gain time, I resolved to mount the strongest defense possible.Soon, too, my vanity overwhelmed my determination to become a Catholic.Since I found a few times that I stumped those who tried to enlighten me, I felt that I could completely refute them without much effort.I even do it with an absurd zeal, because I teach them as they teach me.I really believe they'll convert to Protestants if they're convinced.

They therefore found me not so easy to deal with, neither in knowledge nor in will, as they had imagined.Protestants are generally, and necessarily, more learned than Catholics: the teachings of the former require argument, those of the latter obedience.Catholics must accept the judgment of others, Protestants must learn to judge for themselves.They knew this, they just didn't expect how many difficulties my qualifications and age would bring to some people who are well-versed in religious studies.Besides, they knew that I had not yet received Holy Communion, nor had I been educated about it, but, on the other hand, they did not know that I had been enriched by M. Lamberciert. In addition, I also have a small warehouse, which is also a headache for these gentlemen. This is "History of the Church and Empire". , but, as the debate raged on, I remembered.

An old priest, a small but rather serious man, called us together and preached to us for the first time.The sermon was more of a catechism than a debate for the fellow students, and the old priest paid attention to imparting knowledge to them rather than answering their questions.But he can't do that to me.When it was my turn to speak, I pressed him with every question, and never let go of any difficult problem I could find for him.This prolongs the crusade, and the attendees are very weary.My old priest said a lot, and the more he said, the more he got angry, he hesitated at first, and when he couldn't get down, he left with the excuse that he didn't know much French.The next day, because I was afraid that my rash questioning would have a bad effect on the fellow students, I was put alone in another room and let me live with a priest.The priest was relatively young, eloquent, that is to say, able to make up long sentences, and very self-satisfied.In fact, really learned people are never so complacent, but I did not let his majestic posture calm down. Besides, I think that, anyway, with my own efforts, I can answer his questions with great confidence and try my best to answer his questions. I can block him from all aspects to say nothing.He tried to overwhelm me with St. Augustine, St. Gregory, and other holy masters, but he was amazed that I used them almost as well as he did.I have not read their works before, and he probably has not, but I have memorized many fragments of Lesouer's church history, and whenever he quotes me a passage, I do not directly contradict his Instead of quoting, he responded with another passage from the same Master, which often gave him great difficulty.However, he was victorious in the end, for two reasons: first, he was more powerful than me, and I knew I was under his control. No matter how young I was, I still knew not to push people too far. , I had seen quite clearly that the little old priest had no fondness either for me or for my knowledge.Another reason is: this young priest has done special research, and I have not, so he has his way of argumentation, he uses a method that I can't understand, whenever he feels that there is an accident When my rebuttal made him feel overwhelmed, he excused me for going beyond the scope of this question and postponed the question until the next day.He even refuted my quotations several times as fake, and volunteered to find the original book for me, saying that I must not find those quotations.He felt that there was no great danger in this, because with my superficial knowledge, I am not very good at reading books, and my training in Latin is really limited, even if I know that the quotation must be in a certain book. , I couldn't find that paragraph in a thick book either.I even suspect that he has used the same dishonest method of scholarship which he reproaches the priests with.I suspect that he sometimes goes out of his way to invent quotations in order to escape rebuttals that embarrass him.

These useless quarrels went on, and the days went by in arguments, chanting, and scoundrels, when I encountered a very repulsive little scandal, which almost had very bad consequences for me. . No one, however base his soul, however rough his heart, could fail to feel some kind of love in due time.One of the two thugs who called themselves Moors was in love with me.He is willing to get close to me, speaks nonsense and incomprehensible words to me without any shyness, shows me some small courtesies, sometimes gives me his own food during meals, and often kisses me passionately, kissing me really Embarrassed.His pretzel face was dotted with a long knife mark, and his burning eyes were not so much tender.Rather, it was full of rage.Although I was terrified at first sight, I endured his kisses, thinking to myself: "This poor fellow is so kind to me, it would be wrong to refuse him." So obscene that I sometimes think he's crazy.One night, he wanted to sleep in the same bed with me, but I said my bed was too small, and he refused, so he wanted me to go to his bed, and I also refused, because this guy is very dirty, It stinks of chewing tobacco and it makes me sick.

Early the next morning, we were alone in the hall; he started touching me again, but this time he was violent and looking more and more terrifying.At last.He was going to do the ugliest intimacy thing, and he grabbed my hand and forced me to do it.I wriggled free, yelling, and jumped back a step, without expressing resentment or exasperation, for I had no idea what the point of such a move was.I expressed my consternation and disgust to him very firmly, and at last he let me go.After he was messing around for a while, I saw some kind of sticky white thing shoot towards the fireplace and land on the ground. I was so sick that I ran to the balcony. Panic, so terrifying, almost fainted.

I couldn't comprehend the wretch at that time, I thought he was mad, or something worse; seeing this obscenity, filth, and this hideous, beastly face , there is nothing uglier known to any sober man.I have never seen such a man, if we behaved in such a frenzy before women, only their eyes were deluded, so as not to see us as something ugly and terrible. I couldn't wait any longer, and immediately told everyone what happened to me.Our matron told me to keep quiet, and I could see she was very upset about it, and I heard her grit her teeth and mutter, "Damn it! Savage beast!" I don't know why I was silenced, I was still yelling all over the place.I yelled too much, and as a result, an administrator came to me early the next morning and reprimanded me severely, accusing me of making a fuss out of a molehill, and even damaging the reputation of the holy monastery.

He lectured me for a long time and explained many things to me that I didn't know, but I didn't think he was telling me things that I didn't understand, because he believed that I knew what others were going to do to me, Only because he refused to agree, he resisted.He said to me seriously that this kind of behavior is as forbidden as adultery, but this kind of intention is not a big insult to the person who is the object of this kind of behavior. What is the point of being cute by others? Angry.He told me openly that he himself had had this honor in his youth, and because it had come so suddenly he had not been able to resist it, and he did not feel in the slightest that it was too painful.He had the audacity to use straightforward terms; he also speculated that my refusal was due to fear of pain, and assured me that the fear was superfluous and that there was nothing to be surprised about.

I listened with great astonishment to the words of this shameless man, for he did not defend himself, and seemed to enlighten me entirely for my own good.It seemed to him so commonplace that he didn't need to find a place to talk to me in secret; we had a priest as a third party beside us, and he didn't think it was a big deal.Their composure completely stupefied me, and I had no choice but to believe that this must be a common thing in the world, but I had no chance to experience it before.Therefore, I was not angry at what he said, but not without a sense of disgust.What I have personally encountered, and especially what I have seen with my own eyes, has made such an impression on my memory that I still feel sick when I think about it.I didn't know why I extended my hatred of that incident to the defender. No matter how hard I controlled myself, I couldn't help him see the bad effect of his teaching.He gave me an unfriendly look, and since then he has tried his best to make my life in the reformatory more and more difficult.He had achieved his goal at last, and I saw that there was only one way out of the reform school, the way I had put off before, and now I couldn't wait.

This incident served as a kind of protection, so that I would never engage in homosexual activities in my life, and when I saw such a person, I was reminded of the appearance and behavior of that terrible Moor, and I felt a pang in my heart. An inconceivable disgust.Women, on the other hand, have acquired an enormous value in my mind by comparison.I feel that tender affection and high respect should be paid to them to compensate for the insults that men have done to them, so that even the ugliest woman is regarded as an object of reverence when I think of the false African. As for the pseudo-African, I don't know what people will say about him, but as far as I can see, everyone except Mrs. Lorenza thinks of him the same as before.However, he no longer approached me or spoke to me.A week later, he was christened in solemn ceremony, dressed from head to toe in white, a sign of the purity of his reborn soul.The next day, he left the reformatory.After that, I never saw him again.

A month later, it was my turn.It took so long for my guides to take the credit of converting a hard-to-convert to Orthodoxy, and, in order to win my new obedience, made me go over all the creeds again. At last I was well educated, and my teachers were quite satisfied with me.I was then taken, accompanied by the Eucharistic procession, to the Cathedral of St. John, to be solemnly sworn out of Protestantism, and to undergo some ancillary rites of baptism, though they did not actually baptize me.The ceremony was much like a real baptism, in order to convince people that Protestants were not Christians.I wore a gray robe with white lace that was reserved for such ceremonies.One person behind me was holding a copper plate, and two people were hitting the plate with a key.People put some alms on the plate according to their sincerity or degree of concern for the new converts.In short, nothing was left out of the pompous ceremonies of Catholicism, so that the pomp and ceremony might have a more didactic value for the public.For me there is more shame.Only one stipulation was left out, and that was that I was not given the white dress which I so much needed, as they had been given to the Moors, since I was not a Jew, so I could not enjoy the honor. That's not all.Then he had to go to the Inquisition to receive the pardon of the heretics, and perform the same ceremony that Henry IV himself followed and was performed by his imperial envoy on his behalf, before returning to the Catholic Church.The air and manner of the venerable priest of the Inquisition in no way relieved the terror I felt when I first arrived.After he asked about my religion; my status and my family, he suddenly asked if my mother had gone to hell.Overwhelmed by the fear that had begun to erupt in anger, I simply replied: I hope she doesn't go to hell, she may have seen a vision of God on her deathbed.The priest didn't say anything, but he made a face as if he didn't agree at all. Everything is done.I was thinking that I might at last be given my proper place as I had hoped, when they turned me out and gave me the alms they had received (about twenty francs in change).They charged me to live to be a good believer, to live up to the grace of God, and finally they wished me luck, and then they slammed the door, and all was gone. All my lofty hopes were thus dashed in an instant, and the selfish action I had just taken left me only with the memory of an apostate and a fool.It is not difficult to imagine how suddenly my dream became: I had a brilliant plan, and suddenly fell into the most miserable situation. In the morning, I wanted to choose the palace where I would live, and in the evening, I ended up sleeping on the street.Some would think that, in such a sudden plunge into such cruel despair, I would, while regretting my mistakes, condemn myself severely, and complain that I had caused all the misfortunes myself.In fact, this is absolutely not the case. This is the first time in my life that I have been imprisoned for more than two months, so the first thing I feel is the joy of being free again.After a long period of slavery, I am now my own master and free to move again. In such a prosperous and prosperous city with many rich people, my talents and talents will be discovered as soon as they are discovered. I am received.Besides, I can wait as long as I want, and the twenty or so francs in my pocket seem to me an inexhaustible treasure, which I can spend as I please without consulting anyone. sum of money.It was the first time in my life that I was so rich.Therefore, I was definitely not discouraged, nor did I shed tears.I merely changed my hopes, my pride was not damaged in the slightest.I have never felt so confident and calm.I feel like I've come a long way and am all on my own, and I'm proud of it. The first thing I do is visit the city to satisfy my curiosity, if only to show my freedom.I want to see the sentinel, because I am very fond of military music.When I meet the Eucharist procession in the church, I will also follow it, because I love to hear the priest's chorus.I wanted to see the palace, and I walked forward with fear. When I saw others walking in, I followed, and no one stopped me.Maybe it's because I've got a little bag under my arm.Anyway, when I showed up in this palace, I thought I was pretty big.I have almost regarded myself as a man who has lived in this palace for a long time.Finally, as I was tired from walking about, hungry, and hot, I went into a dairy shop.I was served milk cakes, cheese, and two delicious loaves of Piedmontese bread, which I loved best, and for five or six sous I had the best meal I ever had in my life. I must find a place to live.I had learned enough Piedmontese to be understood, and found lodging without trouble.I choose my lodgings carefully according to my means, not entirely according to my taste.I was told of a soldier's wife in the Rue Po who kept idle servants at home for a sous a night.I got a shabby empty bed in her house and settled down there.The woman was young and recently married, although she already had five or six children.Mothers, children, and guests who live in the house all sleep in one room.It was always like that when I lived in her house.Anyway, she is a good woman.She scolded people very badly, and she showed her breasts all day long, and her hair was disheveled, but she was kind and hardworking, and she was very kind to me, and even helped me a little. For several days, I was completely indulged in the joy of being unrestrained and curious. I wandered around in and out of the city, exploring east and west.Look for everything that I think is strange and new to see. For a young man who has never seen the capital, everything is strange and new.I especially like to be on time to pay my respects to the palace, and to attend Mass in the Royal Chapel every morning.I find it beautiful to be in a chapel with my Lord and his servants.However, the luxury of the palace will soon be all seen, and it will gradually lose its attractiveness if it always looks like that.At this time, I began to love music.I must go to the palace every day, because music has the greatest attraction for me.Sasha Wang had the best symphony orchestra in Europe at that time.Soames, Dayardan, Bezos and other masters all showed their talents there one after another.In fact, to attract a young man, you don't need such a big ostentation, the simplest kind of musical instrument, as long as it is played well and can make people happy, it is enough.What's more, I only have an idiot-like admiration for all the splendor and luxury that amazes me in front of me, and I have no envy. In this magnificent and magnificent palace, the only thing I care about is to see if there There is a young princess who deserves my respect so that I can have an affair with her. I was on the verge of having an affair with less splendor than a palace, and if I could achieve it, it would be a thousand times more wonderful and a thousand times more enjoyable. Although I live a very frugal life, my wallet is almost empty without knowing it.My frugality is not from prudence, but from the simplicity of my appetite.Even today, the feast and banquet did not change my simple appetite.I didn't know, and still don't know, what could be more exquisitely eaten than a country-style meal.Just good dairy, eggs, vegetables, milk cakes, brown bread, and the usual wine will fill me up.Anything is sweet to my good appetite, as long as the baker and waiters don't surround me with their disgusting looks.At that time I always got a very good meal for five or six sous, and then it was not so good for six or seven francs.I eat well only because I am not tempted, but it would be wrong for me to say that all of this is eating well, because when it comes to eating, I also try to enjoy as much as possible.My favorite pears, milk cakes, milk pies, Piedmontese bread, and a few glasses of well-blended Monferrat will satisfy my greedy heart.Even so, my twenty francs seemed to be gone.I see this more clearly every day, and though I am still at an age when nothing is thought of, the apprehension of the uncertain future soon turns to horror.All my fantasies were shattered, except for the idea of ​​finding a living occupation, but this idea was not easy to realize.I recalled my former trade, but I was not yet mastered in it, and engravers would not hire me, and there were not many masters in this trade in Turin.So, before I found any good opportunities, I went door-to-door, recommending myself from shop to shop, willing to engrave symbols or logos on silverware for them, and the salary was random, hoping to attract customers with cheap prices.But this expedient measure was also very unsuccessful.They were rejected almost everywhere, and when they found a little work, they earned very little money, just enough for a few meals.However, early one morning, as I was passing through the Rue de la Cotra Nova, I saw through the window of a shop a young proprietress, who was so charming and attractive that, despite my shyness around women, I never hesitated. I went in hesitantly, and took the initiative to recommend my little skill to her.Instead of refusing at all, she sat me down and told me to share my brief experience. She sympathized with me, urged me to take courage, and said that good Christians would not leave me alone.Later, when she sent for a neighboring goldsmith's to find the tools I needed, she went up to the kitchen herself to bring me breakfast.Such a start seemed a good sign.Subsequent facts did not negate this omen.She seemed to be quite content with my little work, and still more content with the open chatter that followed me a little after my peace of mind; My respect.However, her gracious hospitality, her sympathetic tone, and her gentle demeanor soon put me at ease.I think I have succeeded and will achieve more.However, although she is an Italian woman, she is so beautiful, she has a coquettish appearance, but she is very stable, and I am naturally shy, so things are difficult to move forward quickly.We were not given sufficient time to complete this adventure.I recall with great pleasure those brief moments with her, and I may say that I tasted there the sweetest and purest joy like that of first love. She was a funny brown-haired woman, and the natural kindness of her pretty face made her lively.Her name was Madame Basile, and her husband, who was older and rather jealous, had placed her in the care of a melancholy, unattractive chap, when he was away from home.The chap had ambitions of his own, but he only showed them by throwing a tantrum.He plays the flute very well, and I like to hear him play, but he hates me very much. The new Aegisthus muttered angrily when he saw me coming to his mistress's shop, and he treated me with contempt, and the mistress treated him with the same merciless attitude. .She even seemed to be making fun of me by showing affection to me in front of him on purpose to embarrass him.This method of revenge suits me well, and it would suit me even more if she treated me the same way when we were alone.But she didn't take things to that extent, or at least not in the same way.Maybe she thinks I'm too young, maybe she doesn't know how to take the initiative, maybe she really wants to be a virtuous woman, and she takes a reserved attitude towards me. I don't know why I cringe.I felt less of the sincere and lingering respect for her than I did for Mrs. Warren, but more of awe, and I was far less intimate with her than I was with Mrs. Warren.I was so embarrassed and trembling that I dared not look at her, I even held my breath in her presence; but it was worse for me to leave her than to kill me.I gazed greedily at every part of her body I could see without attracting her attention: the flowers on the dress, the beautiful little toes, the strong white arm that showed between the glove and the cuff. , and the part that is sometimes exposed between the neck and the scarf.Every part of her made me yearn for every other part more.Because I kept my eyes on the parts I could see, and even wanted to see the parts I couldn't see, my eyes were dazzled, my chest was oppressed, my breathing became more and more rapid, and I didn't know what to do.I could only murmur a very uncomfortable sigh in the silence that so often remained between us.Luckily Mrs. Basile was busy with her work and didn't pay any attention to it, or at least I think she did.But I sometimes saw, with a certain sympathy of hers, and the rising and falling of her chest under her shawl, that the dangerous scene fascinated me the more.When I could hardly contain my enthusiasm, she would say something to me in a calm voice, and I would wake up immediately. There were many times when I was alone with her, she was always like this, never a word, a gesture, or even a look with an exaggerated expression showed that we had the slightest affinity for each other.This situation troubled me very much.But it also makes me feel sweet.In my naive heart, I couldn't figure out why I had this distress.On the surface, she didn't dislike this kind of short time alone, at least she provided such opportunities many times.Of course, this was not intentional on her part, since she did not take advantage of the opportunity to express anything to me, nor allowed me to express anything to her. One day she got tired of hearing the clerk's dry talk, and went upstairs to her room, and I hurried over to her after finishing the little work I was doing in the back cabinet of the shop.Her door was ajar, and she ignored it when I entered. She was embroidering in front of the window, facing the window, with her back to the door.She could neither see me nor hear me go in because of the noise of carriages and horses in the street.The clothes she wears are always very elegant, and her dress that day can almost be said to be a bit coquettish and seductive.Her posture is very graceful, with her head lowered slightly, so that people can see her white neck; her coiled dragon-style hair bun is beautiful, and she wears many flowers.I gazed at her for a moment, and there was something charming about her whole face which overwhelmed me.I fell to my knees as soon as I entered the door, and held out my arms to her with emotion; I was sure she couldn't hear me, and didn't think she could see me.But the mirror over the mantel betrayed me.I do not know what effect this passionate movement of mine had on her.She didn't look at me at all, didn't say a word to me, she just turned half of her face, and simply pointed with her hand, asking me to sit on the cushion in front of her.Trembling, fright, and running to the place she pointed out to me, these three things may be said to have gone hand in hand, but people can hardly believe that I am in such a situation; no further action is taken.He didn't say a word; he didn't dare to look up at her, and he didn't even dare to take advantage of this cramped posture to touch her and lie on her lap for a while.I was mute, motionless, and certainly not at peace; all I could express was excitement, joy, gratitude; and no definite purpose and restrained by a terror of displeasing her. my childish mind was not sure whether she would really annoy me. She was no less composed than I was, and no less timid than I was.When she saw me coming in front of her, she panicked, and after luring me there, she was at a loss for what to do.She was beginning to realize the consequences of that gesture, no doubt made without thinking.She neither welcomed me nor expelled me, and kept her eyes on the work she was doing, trying to pretend not to see me in her presence.In spite of my ignorance, I can conclude that she is not only as embarrassed as I am, but perhaps has the same longings as I, but is bound by the same shyness that I am.But it didn't give me the added strength to overcome this shyness.She was five or six years older than me, and in my opinion, she should be bolder than me.I thought that since she had done nothing to encourage my courage, it was because she did not want it from me.Even today, I think I was right in that judgment, and one thing is certain: she was too smart to know that a fledgling child like me needed not only encouragement but guidance. If no one had interrupted us, I do not know how this tense and wordless scene would have ended, nor how long I would have remained motionless in this ridiculously pleasant situation.At the height of my passion, I heard the door of the kitchen next door open.Then Mrs. Basile panicked, and said to me with excited voice and gestures: "Get up, Rosina is here." I stood up quickly, and at the same time grabbed the hand she offered me, and kissed it passionately twice. , during my second kiss, I felt her lovely hand press my lips slightly.I have never experienced such a happy moment in my life, but unfortunately the opportunity is gone, and our youthful love has come to an end. Perhaps it is for this reason that the image of this lovely woman has left such an enchanting impression on my soul.In the future, the deeper I understand society and women, the more beautiful I think she is in my heart.Had she been a little more experienced, she would have inspired a teenager with another attitude.Although her heart is fragile, she is simple, and she will inadvertently give in to the tendency to seduce her; from all appearances, this is the beginning of her infidelity, but I want to overcome her shyness, I'm afraid It was harder than overcoming my own shyness.I didn't do this, but I tasted the indescribable sweetness in front of her.Nothing I felt when I possessed a woman was worth the two minutes I spent at her feet, even though I didn't even touch her dress.Yes, there is no pleasure like that which a beloved decent woman can give.With her, everything is grace.The slight movement of a finger, the light touch of her hand on my mouth, was the slight favor I received from Frau Basile, and the memory of this slight favor still drives me crazy. For the next two days, I tried my best to find a chance to be alone with her, but I couldn't get it.On her part, I could see no intention of arranging such an opportunity; it was not that she was colder than before, but that she was more cautious.It seemed to me that she was always avoiding my sight, lest she should not be able to control her gaze sufficiently.That nasty chap was more annoying than ever, and he even sneered that I had a bright future with women.I was afraid that a moment of carelessness might leak the news, and my little interest, so far, did not need to be concealed, but now I think that Mrs. Basile and Mrs. Basile have a heart-to-heart, and I want to conceal it with an atmosphere of mystery. .This has made me more cautious in looking for opportunities to satisfy this interest. I have always looked for very safe opportunities, and I have never found one. I had another hitherto uncured love eccentricity, which, combined with my natural timidity, greatly disproved the chap's prophecy.I dare say, because I love too sincerely and deeply, it is not easy to succeed.Never was there a passion so strong and at the same time so pure, never a love so tender, so true, and so disinterested.I would sacrifice a thousand times my own happiness to that of the one I love, whose reputation I value more than my own life, and who, if I could enjoy all the pleasures, would never destroy a single moment of her peace; Therefore, I have been very careful, very secretive, and very cautious in my actions, so that I have not succeeded even once.I often fail with women because I love them too much. Returning now to Aegisthus the piper, it is curious that the spy, though becoming more and more intolerable, was more obliging.他的女主人从对我垂青的第一天起，就想法使我成为商店里一个有用的人。因为我懂得一点儿算术，她曾跟那个伙计商量，叫他教我管帐，但是，那个坏家伙对这个建议坚决反对，他也许是怕我夺去他的饭碗吧。因此，我所有的工作只不过是在做完了我那镂刻活计以后，去抄写几张帐目和帐单，誊几本帐簿，把几封意大利文的商业函件译成法文而已。可是，突然间，我那个对头又想重新考虑那个一度提出而被否定过的建议了，他并且说愿意教我记复式簿记，愿意使我在巴西勒先生回来的时候，就可以有一套在他手下做事的本领。他说话的语气和神态里的那种虚伪、狡猾和讽刺的成分，我无法细说，总之使我很难信任他。但是没等我回答，巴西勒太太就冷冷地对他说，我对他这种热心帮忙当然是很感激的，但她希望我的命运终于会使我有机会发挥我的才干，她并说象我这样有才干的人仅作一个伙计未免太可惜了。 她曾经多次对我说，她要给我介绍一个可以对我有所帮助的人。她的考虑十分明智，她感觉到这时已经到了应该叫我离开她的时候了。我们默默无言彼此感到倾心的这件事是在星期四发生的。星期天她请了一桌客，其中有我和一位相貌和善的多明我会的教士，她就把我介绍给这个人了。这位教士对我非常亲切，对我的改教表示庆贺，并且问了不少关于我个人经历的事情，从这儿我就知道巴西勒太太曾经把我的经历详详细细地告诉了他。接着，他用手背在我的面颊上轻轻地拍了两下，对我说，要做一个善良的人，要有勇气。他还让我去看他，以便彼此更从容不迫地谈一谈。从大家对他表示的敬意看来，我可以断定他是一个有地位的人，再从他同巴西勒太太说话时那种慈父般的口吻，还可以推定他是她的忏悔师。我也清楚地记得，在他那适合身分的亲切中，夹杂有对他的忏悔者所表示的尊敬和钦佩，可是这种表现在当时给我的印象，不如我今天回想起来时在我脑际留下的印象深。如果那时我更聪明一些的话，能够了解到，象我这样一个人，竟能使一个受到忏悔师尊敬的年轻女人动情，我将会多么感动啊！ 由于我们人数较多，餐桌不够大，必须另外加一个小桌子，于是我就在小桌上和那个伙计愉快地对坐了。但是，从关心和菜肴的丰富看来，我坐在小桌上丝毫未受损失。往小桌上送来的莱真不少，可以肯定，这些菜并不是为了那个伙计送来的。一直到这时为止，一切都进行得非常顺利：女人们活泼愉快，男人们殷勤高雅，巴西勒太太以动人的亲切态度款待客人。饭吃到一半的时候，人们听到有辆马车停在门口，有个人走上楼来了，这是巴西勒先生。他走进来的那种样子，我至今还记得清清楚楚，他穿着一件带金扣子的大红上衣，从那一天起我对这种颜色就讨厌起来了。巴西勒先生身材魁伟，长得漂亮，风度很好。他脚步声音很重地走进来，脸上的表情好象要把大家都给吓住似的，虽然在座的都是他的朋友。他的妻子奔过去，搂住他的脖子，抓住他的双手，向他百般表示亲热，而他却毫无反应。他向客人们打了一个招呼，有人给他送来一分食具，他便吃起来了。人们刚刚提到他这次旅行的事时，他便向小桌上看了几眼，用一种严肃的口吻问，坐在那边的小孩子是什么人。巴西勒太太直率地回答了他。他问我是不是住在他家里，有人告诉他说我不住在他家里。他接着粗野地反问说：“怎么会不呢？既然他白天可以在我这里待着，晚上当然也可以在我这里。”这时，那位教士发言了，先对巴西勒太太作了一番严肃而真实的称赞，也用几句话把我夸奖了一番。他补充说：他不仅不应该责备他太太诚意救济贫困的好心，而且也应该积极参加才对，因为这里没有丝毫越礼的事情。丈夫用一种愤怒的口吻反驳了一下，可是由于教士在场，总算把气压住了一半，但是这也足以使我知道他对我的情况已经有所了解，而且也明白了那个伙计曾怎样按照他自己的方式给我帮了倒忙。 客人们刚刚退席，这个伙计就奉了他的老板的指示，显出胜利的神气，通知我立即离开他家，永远不准再进这个门。他在执行这项任务时，还增添了不少冷言恶语，使这个任务具有很大的侮辱性而且十分残暴。我一句话没说就走了，但是心里十分悲伤，我所以悲伤主要并不是因为离开了这个可爱的女人，而是因为叫这个可爱的女人成了她那粗暴的丈夫的牺牲品。他不愿意听任妻子丧失贞操，当然是对的。然而，尽管她很贤慧，并且是良家之女，她毕竟是个意大利女人，这就是说；多情而好复仇。在我看来，他是失策了，因为他对她所采取的手段，适足以给自己招来他所害怕的不幸。 这就是我第一次奇遇的结局。我曾经有两三次故意经过那条街，希望至少再见一见我心里不断想念的那个女人，但是我没有见到她，只看见过她的丈夫和那个认真当看守的伙计。那个伙计看到我，便用店铺里的大木尺向我做出怪样子，要说那种样子是在欢迎我，不如说是在向我示威。我既被如此严加防范，也就泄气了，我再也不到那条街上去了。我曾打算至少去拜访一次她给我引见的那位教士，可惜我又不知道他的名字。我曾在修道院的周围徘徊过好几次，希望能碰见他，但也毫无结果。最后，我因为又遇到了别的事情，便把我对巴西勒太太的动人的回忆丢开了。不久我就把她完全忘掉了。我甚至又象从前那样，恢复为纯朴和稚气十足的人，连看到美丽的女人也不动心了。 然而她的一些餽赠，稍稍补充了一下我那小小的行囊，虽然餽赠不多，却十足表现了一个聪明女人的细心。她注重整洁超过美观；她希望我不受苦，但不叫我去炫耀。我从日内瓦带来的外衣还不错，还可以穿；她仅仅给我添置了一顶帽子和几件内衣。我没有套袖，我也很想要，但是，她不肯给我，她认为我能保持清洁就行了；其实，只要我在她跟前一天，这一点是无需她嘱咐的。 这场灾难结束似后不多几天，我前面提过待我很好的那个女房东对我说，她可能给我找到一个位置，她说有一位贵妇人愿意看看我。我听到这话以后，就真的认为会有什么美妙非凡的奇遇了，因为我总憧憬着这样的事情。可是这位贵妇人并不象我所想象的那样了不起，我跟随把我介绍给那个贵妇人的一个仆人到了她家里，她问了我几句话，仔细端详了我一番，没觉得我讨厌，便立刻叫我在她家里服务了，当然，不是作为她宠爱的侍从，而是作为她的仆人。我也穿着和其他仆人同样颜色的衣服，唯一不同的地方就是他们上衣的边缘上有花边，而我的衣服上没有。由于这种制服上没有花边，就很象一个普通市民的服装。我的那些想入非非就出乎意料地结束了。 我就这样走进了维尔塞里斯伯爵夫人的门庭。她是一个没有孩子的寡妇。她的丈夫是皮埃蒙特人；至于她，我始终认为她是萨瓦人，因为我不能想象一个皮埃蒙特女人能说那样好的法语，口音那么纯。她是个不老不少的中年女人，容貌非常高雅，又很有才华，酷爱法国文学，而且相当精通。她时常写作，写了很多东西，而且总是用法文写。她所写的函札，有赛维尼夫人函札的笔法，韵味亦近似，有几封信甚至分不出是她写的还是赛维尼夫人写的。我主要的工作，就是照她口述录下这些信札。我倒也很喜欢做这类事情。她的胸部长了一个肿瘤，使她非常痛苦，不能亲自执笔。 维尔塞里斯夫人不仅富于才华，而且心灵既高尚又刚强。一直到她病死，我都在她身旁。我曾亲眼见她忍受病痛和死亡，她从役有表现出片刻的懦弱，从来没有显示出用力克制自己的样子，也从来没有失去过妇女应有的仪态；她连想都没想到这里面有什么高深的哲学道理，因为哲学这一名词，在当时还不流行，而且她甚至还不了解哲学这两个字在现时代所包涵的意义。这种刚强的性格，往往近于冷漠无情。在我看来，她不管是对自己还是对别人都不大动感情，即使她对不幸的人做些善举，也不是出于真正的怜悯，而主要是因为这样做本身就是好事。我在她的身旁待了三个月，对她这种冷淡的性格是有所感受的。她对于一个经常在她眼前、而且前途颇有希望的年轻人难免会产生怜爱之心，在她感到自己要死的时候，一定也会想到在她死后这个年轻人需要帮助和支持，这本来都是很自然的事。但是，也许她认为我还不配受她的特殊照顾，也许因为纠缠着她的人们过于关心自己，叫她只想到他们，而没有容她考虑到我的问题，总之，她什么也没有给我办。 然而我记得非常清楚，她曾表现出某种好奇心，想对我进行了解。她也问过我几次；她很喜欢我把我写给华伦夫人的信给她看，跟她谈谈我的心事。但是，她为了解我的心事所采取的办法，显然不是好办法，因为她一向不肯暴露自己的心事。我的心是乐于倾诉的，但必须感觉到别人的心也乐意听我的倾诉。但她只是冷淡而枯燥地询问，对于我的回答既不表示赞成，也不表示反对，这就不能取得我的信赖。在我不了解我那好说话的毛病是使人高兴还是使人讨厌的时候，我总是感到恐惧，于是我就不大愿意暴露自己的思想，而只是想到凡是对自己不利的话一句也不说。以后我理会到，那种通过询问去了解别人的冷淡态度，是自以为有学识的女人的通病。他们想丝毫不暴露自己的心事，而达到洞悉别人心事的目的；但是她们不了解，这样做会打消别人向她们暴露心事的勇气。一个男人只要受到这种询问，马上便会提防起来；如果他认为这并不是对他真正的关心，而只是要套他的话，那么，他的反应不是说谎就是一言不发，或者更加戒备；他宁肯让别人把他当作傻瓜，也不愿意受那好奇者的哄骗。一方面隐瞒自己的心事，一方面要了解别人的心事，这终究是个坏方法。 维尔塞里斯夫人从来没有向我说过一句表示好感、怜悯和亲切的话。她冷淡地询问我，我也以有保留的态度回答她。我的回答非常谨慎，难免使她觉得乏味而感到厌烦。后来，她就不再询问我了，只有在叫我给她作点事的时候才跟我说话。她不是按照我本来是什么样的人来看待我，而只是按照她让我变成的那个样子来看待我。因为她看我只不过是一个仆人，结果就使我在她面前不能不以仆人的身分出现了。 我觉得我从这时候开始，便对使我一生不断深受其害的那种为了隐蔽的利己之心而耍的狡猾手腕有所领会了，因而对产生这种利己之心的事物本能地感到厌恶。维尔塞里斯夫人一个儿女也没有，她的财产将由她的外甥德·拉·罗克伯爵继承。罗克伯爵一直不断地逢迎她。除此以外，她的那些亲信家仆看到她已接近死亡，谁都忘不了自己的利益，争先恐后地纷纷向她献殷勤，使她很难有时间想到我。她家的总管，人称罗伦齐先生，是一个非常机灵的人；他的妻子比他还机灵，在女主人面前非常得宠，在夫人家里，她与其说是夫人花钱雇来的女仆，不如说是夫人的一位女友。她把她的侄女朋塔尔小姐介绍给夫人当了侍女，她的侄女是个极狡猾的女人，装出一副贵妇人的诗女的神气，也帮着她的伯母去控制女主人，以至女主人只通过这三人的眼睛来看人，只通过这三人的手来行事。我没有得到上述三个人的欢心，我服从他们，却不巴结他们，因为我想象不到在伺候我们共同的女主人以外，还得当她仆人的仆人。此外，在他们看来，我是个令人不能放心的人物，他们清楚地看到我并不是个做仆人的人，这种做仆人的身份对我是不适当的。他们担心夫人也会有同样看法，生怕夫人对我的安排会减少他们分得的那部分钱。他们这种人太贪婪了，不可能公正无私，他们认为遗嘱上所有分给别人的一切遗赠，都好象是从他们的私产中抽出来的。因此，他们串通好了，设法不叫夫人看到我。她喜欢写信，拿她当时的情况来说，这本是一种病中消遣，他们却设法打消她这种兴趣，并且还叫医生来劝她不要写，说这会使她劳累。借口我不会服侍人，就叫两个抬轿子的粗汉代替我伺候她。最后，在她写遗书的时候，他们安排得那么巧妙，竟使我一个星期没能进她的房间。一个星期过后，我就又和先前一样出入她的房间了，而且比任何人都勤快，因为这个可怜女人的痛苦使我非常难过，她那种忍受痛苦的坚强精神使我对她产生了极大的钦佩和敬爱，我在她的房间流下了既没有让她本人看见也没有叫任何别人看见的真情的眼泪。 我们终于失去了她。我眼瞧着她咽气。她的一生是有才华有见识的妇女的一生，她的死是一位哲人的死。我可以说，看到她以恬静的心灵毫不松懈、毫不伪装地履行天主教徒的一切义务，令我感到天主教之可爱。她的为人本来是很严肃的，在她垂危的时候，竟显出一种快乐的表情，这种表情始终如一，不象是假装的。这纯粹是理智战胜了悲惨处境的表现。她只是在最后两天才躺在床上；就在这两天，她也没有停止安安静静地和大家谈话。最后，她不说话了，陷入了死亡的痛苦里，她放了一个响屁。“好！”她转了一下头说，“会放屁的女人并没有死。”这是她最后的一句话。 她在遗嘱中给她的下等仆人们留出一年的工资作为遗赠。因为她家的人口簿上没有登上我的名字，所以我什么也没有得到。不过，罗克伯爵给了我三十个利物儿，还允许我穿走身上那套新制服，要依罗伦齐先生的意思，是要从我身上扒下去的。伯爵甚至答应给我谋个事儿，并且叫我去找他。我曾去过两三次，都没能和他谈上话。我是个一碰钉子就泄气的人，以后就不再去了。我错了，我的错不久就可以看出来。 关于我在维尔塞里斯夫人家逗留期间发生的事，我还没有说完！我离开她家时，虽然从表面上看来是依然故我，但是和我进她家门的时候心情迥然不同。我从那里带上了难以磨灭的罪恶的回忆和难以忍受的良心谴责的沉重负担。这种负担过了四十年还压在我的心头，我因此而感到的痛苦不但没有减轻。反而随着我的年龄的增长而加重了。谁相信一个小孩子所犯的过错竟会有那样可怕的后果呢？就是因为这种几乎可以肯定的后果，我才永远不会感到心安。我也许把一位可爱、诚实、可敬，而且确实比我高尚得多的姑娘，葬送到屈辱和贫困里了。 一个家庭瓦解的时候，难免会发生一些混乱，难免会丢失一些东西。然而由于仆人们的忠实和罗伦齐夫妇的周密照料，列入财产目录的东西一样也没缺。只有朋塔尔小姐丢失了一条已经用旧了的银色和玫瑰色相间的小丝带子。其实我要拿的话可以拿到许多好得多的东西，可是偏偏这条小丝带把我迷住了，我便把它偷了过来。我还没把这件东西藏好，就很快被人发觉了。有人问我是从哪里拿的，我立即慌了神；结结巴巴说不出话来，最后，我红着脸说是玛丽永给我的。玛丽永是个年轻的莫里昂讷姑娘，在维尔塞里斯夫人因病停止请客而把她原来的厨师辞退以后，就由玛丽永作了厨师，这时伯爵夫人需要的是鲜美的羹汤，而不是精心烹饪的佳肴。玛丽永不仅长得漂亮，而且还有一种山里人所特有的鲜艳肤色，特别是她那温和质朴的态度，没有人见了不觉得可爱；她也是一位和善、聪明和绝对诚实的姑娘。因此我一提她的名字，大家都感到惊异。但是人们对我比对她更不信任，所以必须弄清楚究竟我们俩谁是小偷。人们把她叫来了，大家蜂拥而至，聚集在一起，罗克伯爵也在那里。她来以后，有人就拿出丝带来给她看，我厚颜无耻地硬说是她偷的；她愣了，一言不发，向我看了一眼，这一眼，就连魔鬼也得投降，可是我那残酷的心仍在顽抗。最后，她断然否认了，一点没有发火。她责备我，劝我扪心自问一下，不要诬赖一个从来没有坑害过我的纯洁的姑娘。但是我仍然极端无耻地一口咬定是她，并且当着她的面说丝带子是她给我的。可怜的姑娘哭起来了，只是对我说；“唉！卢梭呀，我原以为你是个好人，你害得我好苦啊，我可不会象你这样。”两人对质的情况就是如此。她继续以同样的朴实和坚定态度来为自己辩护，但是没有骂我一句。她是这样的冷静温和，我的话却是那样的斩钉截铁，相形之下，她显然处于不利地位。简直不能设想，一方面是这样恶魔般的大胆，一方面是那样天使般的温柔。谁黑谁白，当时似乎无法判明。但是大家的揣测是有利于我的。当时由于纷乱，没有时间进行深入了解，罗克伯爵就把我们两个人都辞退了，辞退时只说；罪人的良心一定会替无罪者复仇的。他的预言没有落空，它没有一天不在我身上应验。 我不知道这个被我诬陷的牺牲者后来怎样了，但是，从此以后，她显然不容易找到一个很好的职位了。她蒙受莫须有的罪名，这罪名是从各方面都使她名誉扫地的。偷的东西虽不值钱，但毕竟是偷窃，而且更糟的是利用偷窃来诱惑一个年轻的小孩子。总之，既撒谎又坚持错误；人们对于这样一个把许多恶习集于一身的女人，是不抱任何希望的。我甚至觉得，我坑害她的结果的最大危险还不是穷困和被遗弃，以她那样的年龄，由于无辜受辱而感到悲观绝望，谁知道会使她落到什么地步呢？well!当我追悔使她身遭不幸时，我心中已是悲切难忍，当我想到会使她变得比我更坏时，我又该是怎样一种心情，请读者想象一下吧！ 这种残酷的回忆，常常使我苦恼，在我苦恼得睡不着的时候，便看到这个可怜的姑娘前来谴责我的罪行，好象这个罪行是昨天才犯的。每当我的生活处于平静的状态时，这种回忆带给我的痛苦就比较轻微；如果在动荡多难的生活中，每逢想起这件事来，我就很难再有以无辜受害者自居的那种最甜美的慰藉。它使我深深体会到我在自己某一著作中所说过的话：处于顺境的时候，良心的谴责就睡着了；处于逆境的时候，良心的谴责就加剧了。同时，我从来未能在对朋友谈知心话时把这件事说出来，以减轻我心中的重负。最亲密的友谊也未能使我向哪个人坦白一下，连对华伦夫人也是如此。我所能够做到的只是承认我干过一件应该谴责的残忍的事，但从来没有说过究竟是怎么一回事。这种沉重的负担一直压在我的良心上，迄今丝毫没有减轻。我可以说，稍微摆脱这种良心上的重负的要求，大大促使我决心撰写这部忏悔录。 以上的叙述是十分坦率的，谁也不会认为我在这儿粉饰我的可怕罪行。但是，如果我不把内心的意向同时叙述出来，甚至因为怕给自己辩解而对于当时的一些实际情况也不敢说，那就不能达到我撰写这部书的目的了。在我诬陷那个可怜的姑娘的时候，我确实没有害人之心。我所以嫁祸于这个不幸的姑娘，是由于我对她所抱的友情。说起来这太离奇了，但却是事实。我心中正在想念她，于是就不假思索地把这件事推到她身上了。我主动干出来的事，却诬赖是她干的，说是她给了我这条丝带，这正是因为我想把这个东西送给她。后来当我看到她来到我面前的时候，我真痛心到了极点，但是，有那样多的人在场就把我的后悔心情压下去了。我不太害怕惩罚，我只害怕丢脸；我怕丢脸甚于怕死亡，甚于怕犯罪，甚于怕世界上的一切。当时我真想找个地缝钻进去，把自己闷死在地下。不可战胜的羞耻心战胜了一切；羞耻是造成我的无耻的唯一原因。我的罪恶越严重，怕认罪的恐怖心情越使我变得倔强。我心里最害怕的就是当面被认定是个小偷，是个撒谎的人和诬告者。群情骚动使得我除了害怕之外，不能有其他情绪了。如果容我冷静一下，我一定会毫不隐瞒地和盘托出。如果罗克先生把我单独叫到一边，对我说：“不要陷害这个可怜的姑娘，如果是你做错了的话，就老老实实告诉我吧。”我一定会立刻跪到他的脚下。但是，正当我需要鼓励的时候，人们却一味地恫吓我。再说，年龄问题也是应该注意的，我的童年刚刚结束，甚至可以说我还是个孩子。真正的卑劣行为，年轻时所犯的要比成年所犯的更可恶；但是仅仅由于软弱而做出的坏事，倒是更应该得到宽恕，而我所犯的错误，究其实也不过如此而已。所以，当我回忆起这件事情的时候，使我深感痛苦的与其说是我所做的坏事本身，不如说是因为由于我所做的坏事而可能造成的后果。这件事甚至对我还有一个好处，那就是我这唯一的罪行给我留下的可怕的印象，使我以后永不会做出任何一种可以导致犯罪的行为。我认为我所以那么憎恨撒谎，大部分是因为我痛悔我曾经制造过这样恶劣的谎言。我大胆地说，如果这件罪行可以弥补的话，那么，我在晚年所受的那么多的不幸和我四十年来在最困难的情况下始终保持着的诚实和正直，就是对它的弥补。再说，可怜的玛丽永在世间有了这么多替她报仇的人，无论我把她害得多么苦，我对死后的惩罚也不怎么害怕了。关于这件事我要说的话只此而已。请允许我以后永远不再谈了。