Chapter 84 Chapter 5 The Results of Reflection

When I came into close association with Christian friends in 1893, I was a stranger to religion.They tried their best to help me to accept the gospel of Jesus, but I was a humble and respectful listener without prejudice.At that time, I naturally did my best to study Hinduism, and I also tried my best to understand other religions. By 1903, things had changed somewhat.The Theosophical friends were intent on drawing me into their community, but in order to gain something from me, a Hindu.The Theosophical literature is full of Hindu influences, so these friends looked to me to help them.I explained that my level of Sanskrit is not up to the mark, and I have not read the original texts of Hindu classics, and I have seen very few translations. Followers of "Puna Janma" (reincarnation), they thought I could at least give them some help.So I felt like a crane among chickens.I began to recite the Yoga Sutras by Benxi with some friends, and I also read The Yoga Treatises by M. N. Devividi with other friends.I also had to read Patanjali's Yoga Sutra with a friend and Bhagavad Gita with a lot of people.We set up a similar "Orthodoxy Club", and we often recite scriptures.I already had faith in the Gita, and it had an attraction for me.I now admit the need to delve deeper into it.

I have one or two translations at hand, and I rely on them to understand the original meaning of Sanskrit.I also decided to recite one or two poems every day.For this I take advantage of the early morning bath time.It takes thirty-five minutes: fifteen minutes to brush your teeth, twenty minutes to wash your body.I'm used to taking the Western approach -- brushing my teeth standing up.So I pressed a piece of paper on the wall in front of me and wrote a few "Fenge" to help me recite at any time.This time is sufficient for daily reading of new psalms and review of old psalms.I remember that I recited thirteen chapters in this way.But the time for reciting the Gita was later taken up by other work, and the creation and development of the non-violent resistance movement took up all my time, and it still does to this day.

What the recitation of the Gita did for my friends only they know, but for me the Gita has become a universal guide to conduct.It has become my daily reference dictionary.Just as I look up an English dictionary for the meaning of words I don't know, so I rely on this dictionary of behavior to solve all the difficulties and trials I encounter.There are words like 'abaligraha' (non-possession) and 'samobawa' (equal) that attracted me.How to discover and maintain that equality is a problem.How does one deal equally with humiliating, outrageous and corrupt officials, old colleagues who are always having unprincipled disputes, and people who treat others with nothing to blame?How does one deprive oneself of all property?Isn't it enough to possess the body itself?Are not wives and children also property?Should I destroy all the books in the cupboard?Should I drop everything and use "him" as an example?The answer is straightforward: I cannot turn to "him" unless I renounce everything.My study of English law helped me.I was reminded of Snell's discussion of the law of balance, and the exegesis of the Gita gave me a better understanding of the meaning of the word "trustee."My respect for jurisprudence grew.I discovered religion in it.I understand that the Gita's exegesis about non-possession means that anyone who wants to be liberated should follow the example of the trustee who controls a large amount of property, but none of it is regarded as his own.This is as clear as day: a man must change his heart and his attitude before he can be non-possessive and equal.So I wrote to Levasan Kabai, asking him to allow me to revoke the life insurance, get back a little money at will, or count the insurance premiums I have paid as a loss, because I have believed that since God created my wife and children and me themselves, will take care of them.I also wrote to my brother, who has always been like a father to me.I explained to him that I had given him all my savings at that time, and he would no longer expect me to continue sending money back. If I had savings, I would also use them for the benefit of the overseas Chinese community.

It was not easy to get my brother to understand this.He explained to me in severe terms the responsibilities owed to him.He said I shouldn't think I was smarter than my father.I have to take care of the family like him.I pointed out to him that what I was doing was exactly what my father used to do.But the meaning of "family" is slightly expanded, and the wisdom of the steps I have taken will become clear in the future. My brother stopped talking to me and in fact stopped all correspondence.I was deeply disturbed, but if I were to give up what I considered responsible, it would make me more disturbed, and I chose the lesser of the two.However, this does not affect my respect and love for him, which has always been pure and great.His love for me was the source of his misfortune.He doesn't need my money that much, he sees it as my duty to the family.Fortunately, in his later years, he finally forgave my views.On his deathbed, recognizing the rightness of the steps I had taken, he wrote me a very touching letter.He apologized to me, if a father can apologize to his son.He entrusted me with his sons, to bring them up as I thought right, and expressed his desire to see me.He sent a telegram saying he wanted to visit me in South Africa, and I telegraphed back agreeing.However, things backfired.What he had hoped for in his son did not come true either.He died before leaving for South Africa.Several of his sons are still growing up in the old atmosphere, and their way of life cannot be changed.I can't pull them over.It cannot be blamed on them. "Who can predetermine his own destiny?" Who can erase his inborn impressions?In the same way it is in vain for a man to expect that his children must go through the same process of evolution as himself.

This incident shows something of what a terrible responsibility parents have.