Chapter 9 Chapter Seven A Tragedy (Part 2)

The day has finally arrived.It is difficult to adequately describe how I felt.On the one hand, I have a longing for "innovation" and a good-hearted mentality, but on the other hand, I feel ashamed because I am doing this ulterior motive like a thief.Which of these two moods is dominant, even I can't tell the difference.We went down to the river to find a lonely spot where I saw meat for the first time in my life.We also brought bread from the bakery.I can't taste anything from either of these things.The goat meat that day was as rough as cowhide, and it was almost inedible.I couldn't take it anymore, so I had to leave and walk away.I was very sad that night and had a nightmare all night.Every time when I was about to fall asleep, I always felt as if there was a live goat crying bitterly in my stomach, which made me startled in regret.However, I comforted myself by saying that eating meat was a duty, and I felt at ease again.

My friend doesn't give up easily.Now he has prepared a lot of meat dishes for me, which look really delicious.As for the place where we had dinner, it was no longer in a secluded place by the river, but in the restaurant of a government hotel, with all the tables and chairs, which were specially arranged by my friends and the chef there. The temptation worked.I no longer hated foreign bread, I no longer felt pity for goats, and I became fond of meat dishes, although I didn't particularly like meat.This went on for about a year.However, they only ate five or six meat dishes in total, because government hotels are not open every day, and it is obviously difficult to prepare so many expensive and delicious meat dishes.I don't have the money to pay for this "renovation", so my friend pays every time.As for where his money came from, I don't know.But he always got money because he was determined to make me a meat eater.However, his ability was limited after all, because later such banquets became less and less, and the intervals between them became longer and longer.

Every time I go to this kind of secret banquet, I don't eat at home.My mother naturally asked me to eat, and asked me why I didn't want to eat.I always said to her: "I have a little indigestion, I have no appetite today." Such excuses disturbed me; I knew I was lying, and I was lying to my mother.I also know that if my parents knew that I had become a meat eater, they would be deeply saddened. These thoughts troubled me deeply.So I said to myself: "Although it is necessary to eat meat, it is also necessary to carry out dietary 'reform' in the country, but cheating and lying to parents is worse than not eating meat. So while they are still alive, they must not eat meat again. Meat is eaten. When they are dead and I am free, I can eat meat openly, but until then I must restrain myself."

I informed my friend of this decision and I have not eaten meat since.My parents never knew he had two sons who became meat eaters at one point. I abstained from meat eating out of a pure desire not to lie to my parents.But I did not cut off communication with that friend.My eagerness to reform him had proved a bane to me, though at the time I was completely unaware of the fact. This friend nearly caused me to be unfaithful to my wife, but was spared.He once took me to a brothel.He told me everything I need to know.Everything was pre-arranged, even the bills were paid.I have entered the den of sin, and God in His infinite mercy has preserved me.In this den of sin, I was almost dumbfounded and at a loss.I was on that woman's bed, sitting beside her, but I couldn't say a word.Of course she couldn't bear it, and kicked me out of the house and insulted me.At that time, I felt that the masculinity of a man had been hurt, and I was ashamed to the point of shame.Yet I am forever grateful to God for saving me.Looking back on my life, there have been four similar incidents, and my salvation was not so much due to my own strength, as it was more due to my luck.From a strictly ethical point of view, all these things may be regarded as moral depravity; for it is the exposure of the carnality, which is as bad as the fact.But from a secular point of view, a person is considered saved if he has not sinned in the flesh.It is in this sense that I refer to salvation.Man sometimes escapes sin, as if providence provided for him and those around him.Once people come to their senses, they thank the mercy of God for their own survival.For we know that sometimes a man falls, however much he resists temptation; and we also know that there are times when he will sin, and God intervenes and saves him.Why all this, how much a man is free, how much he is governed by circumstances, how much free will plays a role, whether fate has any influence--these are all mysteries, and always will be mysteries.

But let me get on with the story.Even this incident did not make me realize the evilness of this friend.I still had many painful experiences because of this, and I didn't realize it until I saw him do immoral behavior that was completely beyond my expectation.I will talk about these things in order later. But there is one thing that I have to mention here because it happened during this period.One of the causes of some misunderstandings between me and my wife was undoubtedly due to this friend.I was a devoted and jealous husband, and this friend added fuel to my suspicions about my wife.I never doubted the reliability of his words, and I used to torment my wife roughly on the basis of his gossip, which in retrospect I never feel able to forgive myself.Probably only wives who believe in Hinduism can endure this kind of torture, so I often think: women are the embodiment of tolerance.If a servant is suspected for no reason, he can leave his job; if a son encounters the same situation, he can separate from his father; if a friend, he can break off the relationship.But a wife, even if she doubts her husband, is content with silence; but if a husband doubts her, it is all over for her.Where can she go?A wife who believes in Hinduism cannot apply to the court for divorce; the law cannot avenge her wronged.I cornered my wife at one point that I will never forget or forgive myself.

The cancer of doubt was not eradicated until I fully understood the meaning of "non-violence".Only then did I see the brilliance of "abstinence" and realized that a wife is not a slave to her husband, but his partner, his assistant, and the sharer of all his sorrows and joys.She can choose her own path, just like her husband.Now when I think of those dark days of doubt and suspicion, I hate my folly, my licentiousness, and my cruelty, and grieve for my blind trust in my friends.