Chapter 4 Chapter 5 All Love Is Complicated and Simple

——The season of love in another country Interview time: Saturday, September 27, 1997 at 8:00 AM Interview location: Former residence of Dandan in a compound in Yangshikou, Donghua City, Chongwen District, Beijing Name: Dandan Gender: Female Age: 30 years old Graduated from a foreign language college in Beijing with a bachelor's degree in English, worked as a translator in a certain agency, and then studied at a university in the United States majoring in Oriental philosophy. Now lives in Toronto, Canada. There is no need to find out who abandoned whom, who betrayed whom - men and women all over the world must think so - people can spend a lot of money, but they can't erase a trace of the past - two people who have received the same education have nothing in common Language—divorce may gradually turn into a kind of wealth for me—why should I fall in love if life is so difficult—with love and sex, what can it mean? ——We definitely didn’t leave our hometown for ice cream.

Saturday, September 27, 1997, at eight o'clock in the morning.I stood on the side of the road and waited for about ten minutes before a "noodle" came. The driver heard that I was going to Yangshikou, and kept shaking his head, saying that there was a traffic jam all day long.After another five minutes of stalemate, I promised to pay an extra five yuan if there was a traffic jam and the car would only drive to the entrance of the alley. Then the driver muttered something that I couldn't understand and didn't want to hear clearly, and the boss reluctantly set out on the road.

I made an appointment with Dandan at 8:30 at her home. The alley is very narrow, and there are typical large courtyards side by side on both sides. The stone steps that have been worn and damaged by the years have lost their original color, and most of the courtyard doors are cracked wood. It seems that there is no need to close them at all.On both sides of some courtyard gates, there are still mottled ink stains of the auspicious couplets from that year.There are occasionally a few old bicycles outside the yard, and there are two or three "Xiali" parked close to the courtyard wall not too far away. Because it was the weekend, the top light with "TAXI" was taken off, and only the white letters on the body It can be seen that it is a taxi.

This used to be a place I was familiar with.Pass through the corridor about five meters long, bypass the half-person-high water pipe that leaks water drop by drop, the second room from the south along the west wing, the windows are one by one, and there is a lot of dust on the glass, Even so, you can tell that the curtains hanging in the room have not been changed for a long time, and they are a bit worn out. The door was ajar. I stood outside the door for a little while.I don't know how to step over the threshold that's really just a piece of broken wood.Like every time I came here before, I couldn't convince myself that this was Dandan's home, the place where the beautiful Dandan bravely married herself and finally left sadly alone.

"You'd better come in!" I stood in front of Dandan who was curled up on the bed. This is the third day of her return to China, the jet lag has not completely reversed, and her face is very tired.There was a large open suitcase in the corner of the room, and an old writing desk was placed against the wall, on which were some daily necessities with English trademarks.A wire was stretched in the air to form the diagonal of the room, on which a linen skirt was casually draped.In the middle of the room was the couch that we all sat on, which opened to a double bed, and it took up two-thirds of the room.Dandan leaned on it, smoking a cigarette slowly.

I went to her side and leaned down, she hugged me, her cheeks were warmly pressed against me.We all have a little moisture in our eyes. It's still the same here, even the wire that hangs the clothes has not changed.Same as when I left.When I left, I covered the sofa with a big white cloth, and the room was like a big morgue.Everything is sold out, so I keep these two belongings for myself. Dandan pointed at the old desk with a finger holding a cigarette, and then patted the sofa where she and I were sitting. Can sleep and eat.At that time, apart from going to work, I was reviewing English. I sat here and read for half the night. Everything was piled up on the desk, rice bowl, toothbrush and toothpaste, face oil, changed clothes, biscuits and instant noodles, and a thermos. hot water.Worse than when I lived in a dormitory in college.

From my perspective, Dandan looks a little old, and the crow's feet at the corners of her eyes spread out radially, making her eyes look dry.Counting that she has only been in the United States for two years, when she left two years ago, she was only a little thin. I graduated from the English Department of the Institute of Foreign Languages ​​in 1991, and I was assigned to work as a translator in a government agency. In fact, there were not many things that really needed to be translated, so I was used as a typist.You have also stayed in the agency, just dawdling around in such a leisurely way.In the first two years of work, the most important thing is to fall in love.Lao Guo (Dandan's ex-husband) was already a quite important reporter for a newspaper at that time.I knew him when I was in college, and I didn't really fall in love with him at first. Looking at his amiable appearance, I felt that this person must be down-to-earth.And I can't explain why, I naturally have a good impression of journalists, and I feel that doing your job is very unusual.Working in an agency, I followed the shuttle bus to the office at 8:30 in the morning, and followed the shuttle bus home at 5:00 in the evening. There was no entertainment or special activities.Girls like ours who are assigned to institutions as soon as they graduate from university have almost all had the experience of being introduced by their superiors, right?

I nodded and told Dandan that some of them had successful introductions, and some even changed their situation because of this.Dandan smiled. I don’t know about others, but I do find it annoying. People who are introduced are usually from good families and their parents are cadres of some level, but some of them have never even attended a college. I am not interested when I hear it. Who are you marrying?But it's hard to say no.We failed to meet each other, embarrassing both the introducer and me.During that time, Lao Guo came to see me several times, and gradually there were rumors that I had a boyfriend and was a reporter, no wonder no one looked down on me.If you have to say who is chasing who, then maybe it should be Lao Guo chasing me. In fact, it really doesn’t matter. At that time, I didn’t take it as a matter of who took the initiative. The word "phase" makes everything clear.Looking back now, it doesn't matter what initiative or passivity is, and there is no need to find out who abandoned who or who betrayed who.

Dandan took out a cigarette from the cigarette box beside him, smoked the remaining cigarette butt, and continued.Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. That's not something America taught me, and I feel like men and women all over the world have to think that way, and there's no burden in thinking that way. We got married in this house, which belonged to my grandma.My mother lived here before my father married and married to Fujian.My mother's lifelong ideal is to let me go back to Beijing and let me marry an authentic Beijinger.I did it all.First, I was admitted to university and then stayed in Beijing to work, and then I married Lao Guo, who is an authentic Beijinger and a reporter who is becoming more and more famous day by day.My mother is very satisfied.She came to Beijing when I got married, and when she saw that the room where she had grown up became her daughter's new home, she was so excited that she would cry.Lao Guo didn't understand. I told him that my mother had been looking forward to this day for 24 years. He nodded, as if he understood, but I knew he still didn't understand.Maybe you don't quite understand that my mother married to Fujian to escape the political movement. She thinks that she left her hometown out of helplessness.

Dandan glanced at me faintly. My mother never imagined that her daughter would one day have the same fate, the difference is that I went further. Are you still talking about the wedding? Dandan looks at me.There was nothing restless in her eyes, nor the so-called "sad eyes" that I instinctively look for when interviewing such people.I know that Dandan is sincerely asking: to say, or not to say.To say, or not to say?I don't know how to answer, Dandan brushed off a piece of cigarette ash. I really don't think there is anything to say, it's not that I'm afraid of memories.Memory is a strange thing. It is the computer that won’t lose files the most in the world, and it’s also the correction machine that can falsify facts the most. It doesn’t make sense to be afraid or not to be afraid. People can spend a lot of money, but they can’t erase a trace of the past.I just feel that since free love, there has been no weeping bridal chamber wedding night.Marriage is a matter of your love and my wish, and if it is not good, it will be a matter of later.

We were not poor then.He edits books for others, works part-time at another newspaper, and often writes for magazines. His monthly income is several times that of mine.Our unit is as good as it is, and we send everything, from exquisite suits and woolen sweaters to delicate soaps.Toilet paper, the so-called "high gold content" of agency wages probably refers to this. We just don't have a house. This bungalow is cold in winter and damp in summer, and there is no bathroom.But at that time, we had feelings. It was so cold that we slept together at night, and when it was wet, we moved things out to dry together... It’s boring to talk about it. You know, happy families are all the same, old Thors Ty is really smart. Dandan stretched out his left leg and hooked a small bench with his leg. There were two bottles of French mineral water in exquisite packages on it. The short, clear green glass bottles looked very cute.She opened the seal silently, handed one bottle to me, and brought the other bottle to her mouth. Maybe I'm too pale, I'm only satisfied with being proud of my husband, and also proud of finding such a proud husband.Thinking about it now, I might have been more like a country woman at that time, who would do nothing but serve a man well, please him and make myself happy.I'm just a little typist, I didn't think I could help him, and he probably didn't think he could tell me what he could say to others. In short, it can be summed up in one sentence as two equally educated people like us. People also lack a common language.I have heard people say that this is the reason for divorce, and I have heard from my mother that her marriage with my father was not harmonious because of this. I don’t think so, including when I divorced Lao Guo The reason was that he had an affair and he dared not admit it.But after being single again, especially after going abroad, I have experienced many times of being chosen by others and choosing others. I began to realize that a common language is indeed very important, and it cannot be achieved between a pair of people who have received the same education. More often, there is a hidden fate behind it. It is not whether you can express it but whether you want to express it to this person. Both people think that the other person is someone they are willing to talk to, and they are willing to speak more and more deeply than others. , And people who don't bother to talk every day, can be together.it is true.I didn't remarry because of other reasons, or because I didn't meet such a person. When Dandan expressed a complicated meaning, his eyes became very hazy, and the hand holding the cigarette stopped in the air until he finished speaking.Such an analytical Dandan is something I haven't seen in years.At this moment, I even felt that everything she said was very wise and unquestionable.I was thinking, if she was still living with Lao Guo, if she hadn't struggled hard in the United States alone, would she be where she is today? I know what you're thinking.Divorce is a very unlucky thing at first. I believe that no woman expects divorce when she is looking forward to a new marriage. Everyone thinks about the good.But I really can't make it through anymore, and I have to bite the bullet and more importantly, harden my heart and back, let's leave.After divorce and so many changes after the divorce, I dare to say that divorce may gradually turn into a kind of wealth for me, it is a kind of experience. Dandan crossed her legs to make herself more comfortable. Just now when I found out that Lao Guo was getting along with that girl, I was knocked down like all the women who were bullied. One year when she returned to her hometown, she brought me a large bottle of fermented glutinous rice. I gave her a pink sweater because she was petite and fair.I never imagined that there would be something like that between Lao Guo and her.But that's what they are.Given the circumstances at the time, what if we didn't get a divorce?Lao Guo didn't want anything, and moved out of this small bungalow with his own things, and went to live in the building rented by the girl. Dandan has always spoken like this, with a slight sarcasm, as if talking about other people's affairs. She put the water back on the stool and leaned over to light her third cigarette since we started talking. When I talk a lot, especially when I have to think about it, I smoke more frequently.In fact, that girl was quite dishonest to me, and we are also friends, but if a woman can be righteous in this kind of thing, she is not a woman. At that point I would have nothing.You know I'm the woman who makes marriage everything.When Lao Guo left here, it happened to be the most humid season of the year. I turned on the fan to the maximum wind speed and sat on the bed alone. The wind was wet. My face was covered with tears and my body was covered with sweat. People are getting moldy.A woman without ability and without a husband is at least mentally suffering. There was a distant expression on Dandan's face, an indescribably desolate and bored expression. My husband and wife life with Lao Guo has been very good. We are very casual. Whenever one party wants to, the other party will respond immediately. This state has continued until we started discussing divorce. Even then, we did not stop making love completely. . But he left just like that, I was alone, and my eyes were full of relics of two people living together... Dandan suddenly took a deep look at me, and then shifted his gaze to the cigarette butts that were flickering and extinguishing. You can't imagine, at that time, I thought he just wanted to have sex with him, and I couldn't help but hug the pillow he used to sleep on... Dandan was silent for a long time, and I felt at a loss during this period of time. I was 26 years old that year, and I had less than 70,000 yuan from the divorce income plus personal savings, so I thought of going abroad.Leaving the sad place, struggling alone in a foreign country and finally returning home, and then reuniting with the wronged person makes him admire. This is the plot that many movies like to shoot. It is a pity that I am not an obedient heroine.It took me about a year to get through the process, and by the time the visa came I barely had the energy to get out.I still remember that during that time I was always buying and selling things, buying silk or pure cotton clothes from Beijing, old furniture and electrical appliances from sellers, until there were only two things left.No one saw me off that day.I put the white cloth I bought in advance on the sofa, picked up the suitcase and went straight to the airport.I knew at the time that I would be back but just to come back and see, I will never live here again.I haven't contacted Lao Guo since my divorce, including when I couldn't sleep because of thinking about him all night, he didn't know everything I did.But at the airport I finally couldn't hold back, I called his office, he just answered, I told him that I am at the airport now, and I will fly to the United States soon, he didn't speak for a long time, I knew him My heart was very complicated, so I joked that I could find American products if I wanted them. He only said one sentence: "If it's not good, you must come back." child's feeling.After all, this is the city where I worked so hard to stay and pretend to be my first marriage.After leaving the customs, I couldn't hold back my tears, thinking about Su Rui's song: "...There is no time to turn back..." Dandan pushed the hair that fell down casually behind her head.I know that her domestic life has come to an end. In the United States, the first three months were all used for language assault. Regardless of whether you learned English at home, you still don’t get used to it when you go out.In fact, the little money I actually spent was almost enough to go out, so the most urgent thing is to find a job.You can't imagine how hard it is, really, it's a real existential crisis, with friends and family but no one can take care of themselves.I work part-time to earn tuition fees, and I have two jobs, both of which are manual labor.From 4:00 pm to 2:00 pm, I changed from one place to another at 7:00 pm. It took about 20 minutes for others to drive, and it took me more than 40 minutes to walk, run and bump.I don't even have time to cry.Once, an international student from Beijing played a video called "The Season of Love in Another Country". The woman played by Maggie Cheung picked up a mattress from the street and transported it by bicycle in order to save some money in the United States. , We watched the video and no one spoke, because it was too similar to our experience.Isn't it just to save a dollar by walking for more than 40 minutes every day?What is the concept of a dollar? When Dandan smiled, there were two clear grooves on both sides of her mouth, making her look haggard.She still had a sneer on her face. A regular hamburger the size of a Big Mac will fill me up with just a little cold water.Every time I walk, I tell myself that I have another meal and another day to live.This kind of frugality is the state of most international students, and it usually lasts for a long time.On this point, I think Hong Kong and Taiwan’s literary and artistic works are more real than ours. Many people who go from China even whitewash their poverty in their articles, as if they found a good life when they arrived in the United States. thing.If someone who works and goes to school tells you how well he lives in the United States, how rich he is, or the wife of a foreign student who stays in China tells you that her husband gave her a one-carat diamond ring, you should treat him or her as Talk about ideals with you, don't take it too seriously. It was at that time that I slowly began to feel that the past was getting farther and farther away from me, and Lao Guo and his related content were getting farther and farther away from me.I can't think of many things. Every day, I just rush to make money to support myself and find time to sleep. I feel that I can never get enough sleep.It's cruel and dumb to say it, I can't even remember that I have ever been married, and I should have the demands and desires of women to be normal.Once, an Irish girl who rented a house with me told me in the morning that the landlord and his lover had been yelling and screaming in the living room all night, which kept her from sleeping well, and I didn't hear it at all.There have also been those who want to have a good night or find a partner to comfort each other who choose me, but I am not interested. Dandan looked at me sincerely. You know I'm not prudish, and I'm really tired. I have to study. Only after I finish reading can I have enough to eat and have the opportunity to do what I like. Americans themselves have a lot of pressure, let alone us These strangers?Life is so difficult, why should I fall in love? However, I still found in Dandan's photo album that there is a handsome boy who is often by her side. It's not a boy, but he looks younger. He went earlier than me and was older than me. He got divorced after going out. He has no ability to get his wife out and doesn't want to come back. That's the only way.He majored in finance, and it was easier for him to find a job than me. As a major in Eastern philosophy, I can only teach.Now we rent a house together, take care of each other, and travel together in a big broken car.We have that relationship where we need each other, and I don't think there's anything wrong or special about it.I'm a single woman, he's a single man, and in a place far from home and loved ones, even from our own language, we're not safe even if we're close.It turns out that with Lao Guo, there is love before sex. Now, what does it mean if there is love and then sex?There is no real sense of ownership.I never thought of marrying him, and he never proposed to me.In the United States, marriage is a very realistic thing, and financial ability is sometimes more important than love, especially for poor people like us who have nothing.To say that love is also love is to love the sustenance of being dependent on each other.We talked and he felt the same as me.When people reach this level, they don't know what romance is.We may be richer than domestic students, but this is not worth mentioning, because the development level of the whole society is different, so our economic status in the United States may not be as good as yours here.You can still be romantic, I have to starve if I want to.So my love is very specific and pragmatic. Dandan put out the cigarette butt, and found a pair of white, very ordinary pumps on the edge of the sofa with both feet.She tied her hair into a bun and pinned it behind her head with the little black hair clips that women of her grandmother's generation only used for a penny.She started with the simplest makeup—squeezed a few drops of liquid foundation from a plastic bottle and applied it to her face, then put on lipstick.The packaging of the lipstick she used is not very good, it looks like it has been used for a while, rose color, not any international famous brand that I know.Under light makeup, Dandan looked in good spirits. He also came back to see his daughter. We made an appointment to meet at Tiananmen Square at 11:00. I couldn't help laughing. You see one thing every day and speak one language, and you don’t think there is anything special about it, but we are different.We are now like those outsiders we used to laugh at when we were young, going back and saying: "Look, Tiananmen!" We must also find balance in the same way. When asked if Dandan had plans to return to China to work after completing her studies, she was noncommittal.Finally, she was asked if she had contacted Lao Guo, who was now a powerful figure in the newspaper back then, and Dandan shook her head. I don't think we have a common language anymore.Maybe he also understands that it sounds easy for adults to pursue someone who can "talk together", but in fact this requirement is the highest.Sometimes people who could have "talked together" have nothing to say sometimes, forcing you to shut up. I believe this is the case most of the time in marriage, because you are not me and I am not you.So I don't want to remarry unless there is enough temptation. Dandan pulled down the linen skirt hanging on the wire and changed it in front of me. I don't know when I will come back next time, it depends on the economic capacity and the environment.Everyone has a reason to stay in one place, just like leaving in those days.A little boy told Ronald Reagan that he loves America because there are more than 200 kinds of ice cream in the United States, but we definitely did not leave our homeland for ice cream.All love is complicated and simple, and it is difficult to describe it. That day, Dandan and I walked to the entrance of the alley together. I watched her take a "face taxi" and heard her say, "Go to the square." On October 14th, in order to see whether the Saturn probe "Cassini" was successfully launched and whether there was enough content to make the headlines of the science and technology page I was in charge of, I kept visiting NASA's website on the Internet. site.There, tens of thousands of Americans are clamoring to prevent this poisonous probe from taking off, but all this gives me a sense of remote unreality.In the meantime, only Dandan's phone call made me breathe a long sigh of relief. Foreign countries are drawn very close, and a more specific reality of existence is magnified enough to cover everything: "...I have already returned to the United States. I called Lao Guo again at the airport. It’s like coming back. It’s not as thrilling as you hoped for. In fact, we’ve been separated by mountains and rivers for a long time.… Just talking to you like this, I suddenly discovered that I used this word back when I went to the United States and China, and I didn’t know where it was. It's really home..."