Chapter 3 Chapter 4: Can Marriage Survive the Times?

——Youth can't stop Interview time: Tuesday, July 8, 1997 Interview location: Outside the visa office of the US embassy in Xiushui East Street, Beijing Name: Yu Ling Gender: Female Age: 30 years old Graduated from a university in Tianjin with a bachelor's degree in economics, an employee of a company in Beijing, and now lives in the United States. To be honest, I have forgotten a lot about him—it’s not unusual for someone to feel sorry for anyone—that kind of grievance can’t be expressed in words—even an uneducated person thinks he can treat him like that I—after he left, I became a man and a woman again—who knows whether he lived a miserable life like me thousands of miles away—it’s hard to say whether he is loyal to his husband or to himself—a person’s life That's it.

Tuesday, July 8, 1997.This is Xiushui East Street, outside the visa office of the US embassy in China.The temperature in Beijing on this day was as high as 35°C.At 9:40 in the morning, I found Yu Ling among the long line of men and women. She was wearing a white silk Chinese suit, which we agreed on the phone the day before. Make a good impression on the visa officer. The summer sun shone on Ling's face, casting a touch of gold on her haggard face.She held a small pink towel and wiped off the sweat frequently.During the conversation, she waved the small towel from time to time, as if she wanted to dust off many other things.The movement of the team was very slow, and everyone had the kind of patience that no one would be surprised in the rivers and lakes.You look at me in such a ridiculous way, don't you?I also feel awkward.

Listening to Yu Ling's voice on the phone, it is crisp and sharp, and it is easy for people to imagine her as a plump woman with short hair, but in fact, this woman wrapped in silk with excellent drape looks delicate and handsome , her apparently scrupulous yet strenuously casual attire speaks to a non-Chinese public taste, even though her clothes are so "Chinese." This is specially bought for visa application, like an opera outfit.The seniors queuing here told me that I had to dress like a visa to apply for a visa, but I didn't believe it.I think the United States is so developed, Americans must like modernism.The first time I came, I wore a miniskirt, which was really made in the United States. At that time, I thought, if I even buy clothes made by you, can you not let me go out?As a result, when the visa officer looked at me that day, I knew it was over.Anyone who has experienced visa refusal knows that most of the time it is not because you really have any principle issues that you cannot go out, but because the visa officer is not happy that day, and you are not pleasing to the eye, you will not be able to leave.Is there a color of fate?People really don't turn ghosts around.The people who come here seem to be casual, but in fact, they have put a lot of effort into their personal style, and they are very angry.

I followed Yu Ling's instructions and quietly looked at the people around me. Indeed, the brows of those people with peaceful facial expressions faintly expressed nervousness, embarrassment, and uneasiness and fear of an uncertain future. Deliberate, I don't know if my deliberation today is just right. I'll be here before dawn. ...Yes, it is determined to win.The last time I was refused a visa for a month was two months ago.It took me a long time to make up my mind, and now it should be said that I have made up my mind.I'm looking for my husband.The last time we met was 5 years ago, when he was studying abroad, majoring in computer and market analysis.We had been married for less than a year at the time.Before we got married, it was planned for him to go abroad, so we didn’t buy anything except some necessary furniture and daily necessities. That’s it. When he left, we still borrowed 20,000 yuan from our family.He was relatively successful, he had a scholarship, and soon got another job. In addition to maintaining his own life, he could also send some money back. Of course, he lived very frugally.

Speaking of it, the time of separation is too long, 5 years, from the time we knew him to go abroad after we got married, the total is less than 5 years.To be honest I have forgotten a lot about him.Sometimes when I think of him, I can’t remember which way his hair is combed, and I can’t remember how, so I just let him part it to the left on my own, because many men are parted like this.As a result, he sent a photo and saw that it was on the right side. I couldn't help crying when I saw the photo. My husband has gradually disappeared from my memory. How sad you say it is.For a long time, he and I wrote letters. The initial letter was very long, and we wrote everything, including eating and drinking. The gradual shortening of the letter was synchronized with the passage of time, writing some general information, and each letter The "missing you" that must be used at the end of the letter has become a routine.The most specific connection between us is that he sends money every month, hundreds of dollars, sometimes more, sometimes less, I can speculate on his financial situation based on the amount of money.Originally, we didn't live together for a long time, so after such a long time alone, there is no real discomfort.But in the end it is still different, there is a marriage that exists there concretely, even though he is not in front of him, there is always some concern or bondage.They are not very old, and they are on different sides of the world. If there is someone who is sorry for someone, it is not abnormal to say it.

Speaking of this, Yu Ling smiled, and waved the small towel in his hand, as if he wanted to dust off many other things together.I noticed that she was wearing a very slender platinum ring on her left middle finger. The sun was shining on it, and the very finely polished patterns shone like compact diamonds.Maybe not putting a ring on the ring finger that marks marriage can make her forget for a while that she is a woman who is "a famous flower with a master"?I didn't ask. I am 30 years old this year, and I was only 24 years old when I got married. I am very lonely. It is the kind of loneliness that I can rely on but can't rely on. Do you understand?Not at all specific.He seldom makes phone calls, long-distance overseas, and it’s expensive. I cry after I can’t say a few words. He asks "what's the matter", and I can't say it. It's just such a grievance that I can't express in words.

After the day you said on the phone, "A single woman like you..." I thought to myself, am I technically a single woman?There is a word in English called "being", we say it is "status", in terms of status, I am single, but I am different from those real single women, I have a marriage, but it is not in front of me, what is this marriage It can’t help you, but it exists, it binds you, and it makes you have to abide by all the rules that a married woman needs to abide by. You say you have difficulties and you don’t abide by it, okay?no!If you don't obey, you are a bad woman.A good woman should be like Wang Baochuan, who endured hunger and starvation for 18 years, waiting for her husband to return home in fine clothes.Wang Baochuan became the queen, right?Wearing gold and silver, but to whom can I tell the suffering of 18 years? Who will make up for the losses of 18 years?Can he afford it?Besides, her husband brought back a second bedroom.What is the difference between these 18 years and 18 floors of hell?My state is the same as Wang Baochuan back then, the difference is that I also want to be a good woman like her, and at the same time I don't want to wrong myself too much, so I wander.

In the past 5 years, there have been too many temptations.Others say that the reason why temptation can become temptation is because people's will is not strong.I don't think so.For me, those things that are insignificant to others or that can be recognized at a glance as temptation can make me move or feel sad.For example, once, I went out to do errands with the driver of our company, and when I came back, I stopped by his house to pick up some things.He said you go upstairs to visit it.It was a natural thing, but I saw traces of their life together everywhere in his house, and even the messiness of every house made me feel that his life was many times better than mine.I stood outside his bedroom door, leaning against the door frame, and suddenly wept.The driver was a little flustered at first, but he knew what he had to do right away.

Yu Ling's narration hesitated a little, she looked at me fixedly, and lowered her voice. He hugged me and walked slowly towards the bed in the house.I resisted instinctively, and he stopped pushing.That day we went back to the company together, ignoring each other along the way.When I got out of the car, he said, "I don't mean anything else. You are so lonely..." I cried all night that day. Yu Ling's voice returned to normal, and his eyes turned elsewhere again. Why would even an uneducated person think he could treat me like that, and he did it to make me feel less lonely?Just because the man who is legally mine and has a duty to protect me is now in America?Really, I never thought about my husband as much as I did that night.And it was that night that I found out that I really needed a man to love me. It was that night that I realized for the first time that if it wasn't a driver, if it was a man that my education and identity could accept, it would be what we say The kind of pleasing to the eye, I will definitely be willing to be with him.do you understand me? ... Now that I'm talking to you, I have another question. Maybe the person I was thinking at that time was no longer my husband, it should be more precisely a man.

I'm frank, right? I told Yu Ling that she was the first woman who talked about "sex" in this way since I started interviewing single women, and some interviewees said that it was not normal to talk about it with a same-sex woman.Yu Ling shrugged her shoulders very "Americanly" to express her disapproval. I don't think there is anything to hide, who knows who is suffering.After that time, I refused to visit other people's houses, do you know why?I'm afraid of seeing other people's bedrooms.I can't see that kind of place where I live and live together, and my heart hurts faintly, even my joints hurt.do you know?All psychological reactions are accompanied by physical reactions, at least for me.

There are even funnier things.The house I live in belongs to our family, with one bedroom and one living room, and I am alone.Going to get off work, getting off work, shopping for vegetables, cooking, and going in and out are all by myself.When you see your neighbors, you nod your head as a greeting.Only an aunt who lives on the same floor has contacts.Aunt is very enthusiastic.One day I came home with a watermelon in my arms, and my aunt stopped me in the corridor, saying that she saw me busy with other things, and thought that I was not young and capable, so when would you introduce me to someone? object.I really can't laugh or cry.Quickly explained that I was married a long time ago and my husband was abroad.After hearing this, the aunt shook her head and said, "It doesn't look like it. You don't look like a married person at all." I've heard that old people can judge a girl from a woman's figure, aunt I don't know if it will be, but it is no exaggeration to say that there was a trace of sadness at that time, and my eyes were burning.If a woman who guards her husband all day is said that, she will be very happy, but my situation is just the opposite.The aunt then said: "Then why don't you go out together? It's not a problem to live alone." It's not a problem.Putting aside the detailed feelings of loneliness and loneliness, the specific difficulties in life are one after another.I have always believed that the equality of men and women is spiritual. This equality does not mean that women can do what men can do or that men can do what women can do.When God created man, men were made strong and women were made weak. Men are suitable for carrying and carrying, and women are suitable for sewing and mending.If someone does these two things, life will be complete and harmonious, don’t you think so, but after he left, I became a man and a woman at the same time, and I was responsible for the big and small things in the family. I was really neither a man nor a woman. Yu Ling inadvertently glanced at her loose bun that was glued to her hair and combed back. Her forehead was still very smooth.She looked a little tired, but there was no sign of age in her weariness. One time, the door of the bedroom cabinet fell off suddenly. I had no choice but no one could help. As a result, I borrowed tools from my work unit the next day, and it took me a whole night to install it again.When I was working, I was absorbed in thinking about nothing, but when the cabinet was repaired and the room was cleaned up, I sat down, and the room was completely silent.I cried again.I imagined that if there was a man at home, he would stand on a chair and clang nails, and I would stand aside and pass him the dick, and we would chat without a word, it must be a very happy scene.But the man who said he loved me and married me because he loved me was on the other side of the ocean. There was a 13-hour jet lag with me. When I cried, he hadn't woken up or was still working.The sadness in my heart cannot be described in words. Yu Ling was silent for about two or three minutes. Her left leg was supporting the weight of her whole body, and her right leg was slightly raised. The beautiful white boat shoes had obviously only been worn a few times. Off to the side I can't see.I wonder if there are tears in her eyes.When she turned her head, she regained her composure.After all, this is a day to apply for visas and work hard. I don't know if people like me who are called "left-behind ladies" will face that kind of situation. There are some kind-hearted people. It's hard to tell whether they are really kind or not. They sympathize with your situation and persuade you not to He was too serious about the person who left, and the general sayings were similar, such as "he has a hard time over there, and it is normal to have a companion", "he is so old, can he be idle", "yes" Don't miss the right one, it's all temporary, just be sure in your heart." It makes sense, but after thinking about it, it makes you sadder and more afraid. Who knows if he is suffering as much as I am thousands of miles away Alone? Sometimes I myself feel that it is really great that I can persist so well in the past 5 years.But it is true that I have no affair in my conscience because I have never met a person who fascinates me. I can’t imagine what it would be like if a man who was good enough appeared in my life. Do I still have it? Today, I really can't figure out whether I still want to go to the United States to "find a husband thousands of miles away". Yu Ling's face was full of sincerity at the moment. Sometimes his letters also make me wonder what to do from time to time.He doesn’t talk much about how he lives. He just tells me his daily schedule, when he goes to class, and when he works part-time. But I’m not a fool. I can see that his part-time job takes up 9 hours of the day. You said Is it hard work?Then he would tell me that he was lonely and had a feeling that people are machines, and he wanted me to go.No one is easy, we sympathize with each other, but no one can help each other.Many times I feel that I cry not because I miss him, but more for myself, because I can't see tomorrow.After such a long separation, love has become specious and ambiguous.And there are so many ready-made stories, so many people who have been there are proving that the result of this waiting is mostly a divorce agreement, what will happen to me?To be honest, until now, I don't know what will happen if I go to him, and what will happen if I stay and continue to live like this.If I went there, found him, and found that we each had a lot of changes during this period, and then "broke up amicably" like the ones in the movies and the books, then I would look back at the past few years, I must feel that it is really worthless, and my youth has stopped.do you know?What people are most afraid of is facing a change. The result of the change may not be so scary, and you can get over it after a while, but you will still be nervous when the change comes. This is instinctive.I was afraid to leave because of fear. After all, there are my family and friends in China, not to mention what they can do for me, at least they will comfort me and sympathize with me. This is better than crying alone in another country, right? I said Yu Ling, you really understand your life.She smiled, and waved the small pink towel in front of her eyes again. You think I live clearly, but that's not the case. In the past 5 years, apart from going to work and learning English, I have spent all my time reading books. I am not out of eagerness and diligence, because I have nothing better to do.If you don’t believe me, I said to myself in the mirror when I took a shower at night, what I told you today is the result of talking to myself in the past few years.I do not know what to do.The meat is placed on the chopping board, and it can't escape the knife.I've thought it through, go, no matter what happens, I want to prove whether marriage can survive the passing of time.Besides, there is nothing wrong with changing the environment, and I can't think too bad of the end.Am I pessimistic?In fact, everyone is the same.Look at the woman in front of her, she refused her visa twice, and she also went to find her husband, and she would not come back after she went. Her husband found her a job, arranged everything, and also arranged for a divorce.She said that she waited for 7 years, but she just waited for such a result.We lined up here together, joking around very casually, everyone has a kind of energy that the yellow crane is gone forever, and they can talk about everything, even the kind of man who said that his wife went abroad on the front foot, and he took his lover out to live together Little days.This woman enlightened me and said: "A husband is a companion within a tenth of a foot. If he is a tenth away, he belongs to whoever is closest to him. We are so far away that we don't know who is who. .Anyway, I want to go out. It is more convenient to have such a person there than to find another guarantee. "Listen, can I still feel safe? A young man in front of Yu Ling who was wearing a crocodile short-sleeved shirt and a silk tie looked back at me and then at Yu Ling, and smiled, knowing that he had been listening to our conversation, so he asked, "Can you understand?" ?” He nodded: “It’s all the same.” The last time I applied for a visa, a young man chatted with me. At the end of the chat, he said that he really envied me, because I believe that love can overcome the alienation caused by distance. He said that if someone can open an insurance company specifically for love insurance, how expensive he is All must join.It sounds like a joke, but it's actually very sentimental, but it's useless to be sentimental, and sentimentality can't save yourself or your marriage.Only in this place do you feel how concrete it is to be abandoned and abandoned because of the changed circumstances, the different situations.That kind of specificity has a rationality that makes you speechless, so it is also full of helplessness, so it is logical.The boy's fiancée took his money to go abroad, and the girl cried and promised her body when she left. It should be safe, right?But she got married only four months after arriving in New Zealand, and she only said "I'm sorry" on the phone. I've often thought that it's hard to tell what's true and what's not without a long test.For example, I have waited so hard for 5 years, it is hard to say whether to be loyal to my husband or to myself.But I still told him that I was loyal to him. In fact, there are many things that you can't understand just by sitting there and thinking about them. People's fate is not as predictable as the weather.But one thing I know is that I am mentally prepared to go to the United States this time, and I will definitely find a job that can support me.Anyway, it's either good or bad, and besides, what is good and what is bad cannot be explained clearly in one sentence.Sometimes when you think about how a person’s life is like this, you have to look back to really understand it, right? It was about noon when Yu Ling left, and she hadn't arrived yet.There was a bottle of mineral water and a hamburger in her purse.She still has to wait. On the morning of July 9, when I was editing and distributing Yu Ling’s manuscript at the newspaper office, her name and this line of words appeared on the pager: "I refused the visa again. I will call you when I have good news." On the evening of September 21, at my mother's house, the name on my pager was "Xu Ling" and I left a message "I'm already in the United States." After thinking about it, it should be Yu Ling.