Chapter 16 Ten years of wind and rain-2

However, reality runs counter to Guanhua's wish.No one is willing to listen to his explanation, and no one wants to really know the truth.When he called and wrote a report and asked the leaders who used to meet almost every day or often to listen to his statement at least once, he was actually rejected.Before any investigation had begun, the words thrown to Guanhua were already: "You have fallen to the point where you only have two ears left to listen to the criticism of the masses!" Guanhua's despair was profound, and he realized that this time no one will ever be like Premier Zhou cared for him so much and helped him.He wondered why his life of piety had been so mercilessly destroyed? !

What happened in the next two and a half years is unbearable.It was a tragic review, the methods used by those who wanted to eliminate Guanhua and me for different purposes were extremely cruel.In those troubled times, Guanhua didn't learn how to be omnipresent and slick; he was always an undefended person, always exposing his weakness to the range of those who were looking for an opportunity to bring him down.Since he was not even willing to give him the opportunity to listen to his statement, it is conceivable that the charges should be established first, and then the materials should be searched for and put on the line;One of the most prominent ones is the so-called "according to established guidelines" written into the report of the UN General Assembly.

Before Guanhua returned to Beijing from his visit to Europe, the so-called "Qiao Guanhua adhered to the "Gang of Four" will, wrote their concocted "according to the established guidelines" into the UN General Assembly report, and usurped the party and power for the "Gang of Four" create public opinion".When the big-character posters with this content poured in like a flood, I didn't understand how it could be like this.I know all too well what happened.After the death of Chairman Mao, starting from September 16, the "People's Daily" and all propaganda tools have published the chairman's last words "according to the established policy".In fact, this sentence was conveyed in a planning work meeting in August.However, when Guanhua drafted the UNGA report, it was not included in the document. On September 26, Guanhua was hospitalized urgently for the first time due to angina pectoris. On the 28th, the Politburo notified an evening meeting to discuss the UNGA speech.Guanhua asked for leave from the hospital to attend a meeting in the Great Hall.Near midnight, Guanhua hurried home after the meeting and asked me to help him immediately notify the relevant personnel of the International Department to come home.They are here soon.Guanhua said that the Politburo had just finished a meeting and had some comments on the report.The hospital did not allow him to spend the night outside before his departure on the 30th. He had to rush back to the hospital and could not revise the manuscript with them.Guanhua said that he would convey everyone's opinions at the meeting, because no one objected to others' opinions, and they were all members of the Politburo, so we had to write down every opinion to avoid trouble.So Guanhua talked about the opinions at the meeting one by one. There were about ten opinions in total. One of them said that the chairman passed away.should be added.After speaking, he hurried back to the hospital.

The next day, September 29th, comrades from the International Department sent the revised manuscript overnight to Guanhua Ward.Guanhua asked the duty office of the ministry to send it to the central government without making any revisions. He attached a note to the main leader saying: The report has been revised based on the opinions of the Politburo meeting on the evening of the 28th, and it is hereby submitted.Since he set off on the 30th, it may be too late to wait for the central government's approval.He took a revised manuscript with him.If there is no revision opinion from the central government, it will be finalized accordingly.If the central government has any revisions, please inform him before the morning of October 5, because his speech is scheduled for this morning.

The revised draft has been sent up for many days without any response, and everyone thought it was finalized like this. On the morning of October 4th, the newly appointed deputy minister in charge of political work and sports talked to me. He seemed to tell me that in the early morning, the main leaders at that time called and instructed that the report of the UN General Assembly delete "according to the established policy do" sentence.I asked if I had sent a telegram to Guanhua.He said he had informed the duty room.I didn't think about it any more. Not a few days after the smashing of the "Gang of Four" on October 6, the big-character posters of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs appeared.At that time, I could not contact Guanhua, and I did not believe that Guanhua did not delete this sentence after the domestic telegram went. On October 17, after Guanhua returned to Beijing, on the way home, I couldn't wait to ask him if he had received the telegram, and if he had deleted the "according to the established policy".Guanhua said that the telegram was received the night before he spoke, and it was deleted when he spoke the next day.I let go of a stone in my heart.Guanhua optimistically said that this kind of thing is easy to explain clearly.

However, no one wanted Guanhua to explain clearly.The leaders above refused to see him, and the party's core group attacked him at the meeting, and did not listen to Guanhua's explanation at all.Those in the know are also tight-lipped.Guanhua said that when the telegram was sent to the delegation, many people knew that he had discussed with the main leaders of the delegation at that time that this sentence was just a cliché, and it was deleted for some reason.If this matter were investigated fairly, there could be dozens of witnesses, but they were "convicted" without any investigation.Guanhua was in New York when the full text of "People's Daily" was published, and who provided the unedited manuscript to Xinhua News Agency?Is it intentional framing or unintentional negligence?

This day's big injustice was "qualified" in this way.This accusation is quoted everywhere, and even the famous British female writer who keeps saying that she is an old friend of Guanhua also talks about Qiao Guanhua in her book. .Later, repeated presentations in our millions of words of complaint materials were fruitless.This grievance seems to have disappeared into the sea, and no one bothers about it anymore. However, I am not always reconciled. In the summer of 1992, I finally had the opportunity to go to the archives of the United Nations Headquarters in New York to check the original transcript of the speech of Qiao Guanhua, head of the Chinese delegation, on October 5, 1976.In black and white, the twentieth to forty-second paragraphs of the speech that morning were Guanhua's speech. I read it over and over again, and there was absolutely no such sentence as "according to the established policy".The same goes for the English translation.I asked UN staff to copy the full text of the speech in both Chinese and English for me, carefully put it in my folder, stuck it to my chest, and walked out of the UN gate.

In summer, the sun is shining by the East River.Looking at the familiar yet unfamiliar UN building and the national flags of member states fluttering in front of the door, I couldn't help feeling infinitely sad.Twenty years ago, Guanhua once dominated this international forum, but now the scenery remains the same, and the faces are completely changed.What is even more difficult to imagine is that a strange injustice is also implicated in this building!I strolled towards the rose garden in the backyard of the United Nations, which is Guanhua's favorite place to take a walk.Pieces of roses are in full bloom, and the torrential East River still flows silently into the distance.Looking at this old scene, tears welled up in my eyes.I looked up at the sky, and I asked the blue sky and white clouds. Now that I hold the ironclad evidence in my hand, where can I find my Guanhua, let him see this indisputable file with his own eyes, and verify the poems of Liu Yuxi copied countless times in his later years:

Mo Dao's slander is as deep as the sea, Mo Yan moved away like sand. Thousands of scouring, although hard work, After washing out the yellow sand, you will find gold. I wrote this article from early spring to late autumn, and the clues of memory are getting longer and farther.So many things come to mind one by one, life and death, love and hate!It seems that my pen should stop, otherwise it can write forever, write... The real life is getting weaker and the past is getting clearer.Because I was writing about Guanhua, my spirit couldn't help wandering in the past years, and I often thought of Guanhua on the top of Dongshan Mountain.I once said that it is impossible for time to wear away the scars of the past, but it will bury the memory deeper.In order to survive, I tried my best to erase the pain from my heart and meet the challenges of life with a smile.But I know that yearning, that feeling of hopelessness will always float in my heart from time to time.A few days ago, while flipping through idle books, I suddenly came across Guanhua’s favorite poems by Su Dongpo, and saw his song "Jiangchengzi". dream:

Ten years of life and death, Don't think about it, never forget it. Thousands of miles away, there is no place to talk about desolation. Even if you don't know each other when you meet, His face is covered with dust, and his temples are like frost. Come night and dream suddenly return home, Xiaoxuan window is dressing up. Looking at each other without words, only a thousand lines of tears. It is expected that the heart will be broken every year, On a moonlit night, Short Songgang. My deeply buried emotional gate was suddenly opened by this Dongpo Ci. I haven't been so excited for a long time, and I couldn't help crying at my desk.I know that even though Guanhua doesn't often appear in my dreams, the ten years of love between life and death, and the following ten years of heaven and earth will always accompany me in my dreams forever.I suddenly lost my previous balance, and I clearly saw my ten years of hardships.My two temples of white hair may reveal how hard it is for me to survive.So that life-and-death struggle once again shocked my own soul.

I have experienced three turbulent waves in my life, and I was almost wiped out each time.The first time was in the early and middle period of the "Cultural Revolution". I was first labeled as a "gangster's minion" and criticized, and then I was labeled as "Litong foreign countries" and "February counter-genre" and was semi-isolated.The second time was from 1976 to 1978, and the experience was even more brutal.Both of these blows were devastating enough to deprive me of the will to live.My classmate Wu Pu couldn't bear the humiliation and despair in our first common disaster, so he threw himself into the canal behind the School of Foreign Languages.However, no matter in which case, I never thought of death.The first time was when I was young and energetic, and I was unwilling to follow in Wu Pu's footsteps, and this was the end of my life.When there was really no way out, I wrote a letter to Chairman Mao, begging him for justice.Not only did I survive that time, I was almost a winner.The second time was much more painful and an incomparably more difficult test of my perseverance.But I still haven't succumbed to fate.Whenever I was exhausted and no longer wanted to fight, the thought of Guanhua encouraged me.Finally, I survived too.Those who wanted to put Guanhua and me to death did not succeed, on the contrary, their own situation is not good.This is also in response to Comrade Chen Yi's words: "Good will be rewarded with good, and evil will be rewarded with evil. It's not that the time has not come. When the time comes, everything will be reimbursed." What I almost couldn't survive was Guanhua's departure in 1983.When his cancer finally became unstoppable, I struggled on the edge of life and death for more than a year before resisting the temptation of death. In the summer of 1983, Guanhua's neck and lung metastases recurred again, and the onset was fierce.The consultation at the Beijing Hospital showed that modern advanced medical methods could no longer suppress the erosion of cancer cells in his body.Director Liu Mingyuan of the Department of Radiation Therapy once performed a miracle more than a year ago. When the lesion in his neck had penetrated hemoptysis, he used radiation therapy to forcefully shrink the lesion to a small area.At that time, I pushed the wheelchair to send Guanhua into that treatment room every day.He needs my support, and I understand that, so I go in with him every session, undress him, and put him on the treatment bed.After the treatment, I immediately went in and helped him into the wheelchair.The kind nurses persuaded me to only send it to the door of the treatment room, because there were residual radiation there, which would affect my health.But at that time, I had put my own life aside. I only felt that Guanhua and my life were closely linked. If he went with the wind, my existence would be endlessly empty. But finally, this final farewell is just around the corner.Whenever I turn a page from the desk calendar, I can't help but tremble, and I can't help but say to myself: "One day is missing!" So, I can't help asking myself, where is my future?The last answer I gave myself was: "The road has come to an end." The only concern I left in this world is my daughter Niuniu.But she is already in a foreign country, this year she should have graduated from university, and has found a life partner.For her, losing me is tantamount to pain, but she has her own life after all, and there is not much I can give her, and she will go her own way.What is left?If there is only endless pain ahead, how much meaning does this world have to me?So, I saw the kingdom of heaven, maybe there is such a blissful world for us to soar, why don't I abandon this troubled world? I thought of Mr. Cao Yu's masterpiece.When I was a girl, I was most obsessed with stage theater.At that time, as long as there was a play in the Lyceum Theater which was very close to my home, I would definitely watch it.When I come back from school every day, I never stop listening to serial radio dramas on the radio.Even though my mother's two tables of mahjong are crackling, I can concentrate on listening to my radio drama.What moved me the most was "Narcissus", which was rewritten from the famous book of British writer Bronte.remember At that time, I repeatedly thought of Chen Bailu in the movie.She finally decided to say goodbye to her life and leave this world full of deceit.I always remember that at the end of the play, Chen Bailu leaned against the window, opened the window, and a ray of sunlight penetrated into the room along with the morning mist.At this time, Chen Bailu only had a monologue: "It's dawn, I should go to bed too!" She lay down peacefully on the couch, and the curtain of her life and the curtain of the stage slowly descended.For some reason, this last scene of my life keeps recurring throughout my life.And when I counted the time Guanhua will stay in this world day by day, the last scene of Chen Bailu swayed before my eyes more frequently. I began to silently collect Guanhua's sleeping pills, the most powerful one is the one called "Sukemian".I pretended to be casual and asked the nurse Xiao Yin: "How much of this sleeping pill will you die?" She smiled and said, "The ones in your bottle are enough to die twice!" Perfect.I remember my cousin Feifei used sleeping pills to end her young life.Feifei looks beautiful.She grew up and was educated in France.During the War of Resistance Against Japan, he went to Chongqing with his parents. When he was just in his early twenties, he worked as an English broadcaster for Chongqing International Broadcasting Station.Because of her beauty and proficiency in English and French, Feifei attracted countless suitors.At this time, her parents forced her to marry the son of a powerful family for the sake of glory and wealth.Western education cultivated Feifei's rebellious character of free love.She ran away from home and eloped with a professor who was more than ten years older than her.The tragedy is that this hasty marriage did not bring her happiness.After the victory of the Anti-Japanese War, they returned to Tianjin and lived in a very beautiful and comfortable garden house.Unfortunately, Feifei found out that her husband already had a wife and a son in his hometown before he went to study in the United States.Since there was no communication between the rear and the occupied areas, he was able to hide the truth from Feifei.The cousin-in-law really loves Feifei deeply, so he is very jealous. He can't stand Feifei's activity in Tianjin social circle and the men's attention to Feifei.They already had two daughters at that time, but Cousin Feifei lived very unhappy and always quarreled with her husband.I never understood why someone as enlightened as her didn't ask for a divorce. In 1951, Feifei came to Beijing to rest and lived in my house.She was only twenty-nine years old that year, very beautiful and very chic.My family lived in Dongsibatiao at that time, and a group of handsome pilots of the former Central Airlines who returned from Hong Kong during the uprising of the two airlines lived in a compound not far from my home.Whenever Feifei goes out, these young people will cast admiring glances and say hello to her.Within a few days, they gave Feifei a nickname: "Flower of Eight Strips".I remember that I joked with her and said: "When Feifei came to our house, no one in this alley looked at me again." She said: "You are still young, and you will be the real 'Flower of Bajo' in two years. !” I remember that time, Feifei and her husband quarreled again in the west room of my house one day.Later, she was very depressed and said to my mother: "When I was in Chongqing, I once had a fortune-telling. The blind man said that when I was thirty, there was a hurdle, and I might not be able to pass it. I am twenty-nine this year, who knows if I will pass it next year." ?” Her mother reassured her that fortune-telling cannot be trusted.Unexpectedly, just after her thirtieth birthday the next year, Feifei committed suicide!At that time, she was teaching at Jingu University, and the school criticized her for using bourgeois ideas to influence students.In her life, she has a male friend who cares about her very much, and her cousin-in-law quarrels with her all day long.Feifei must have felt that there was nothing worth caring about in life anymore, so he left his two young daughters behind to find the Paradise of Paradise. Later, the cousin-in-law was so sad that he didn't want to live, and used white marble to repair Feifei's tombstone.When he was buried, he almost lost his mind and jumped into the grave to go to Jiuquan with his wife.In tears, he told my father and mother that the night before Feifei committed suicide, she had been unusually calm and had gone to bed earlier than usual.My cousin-in-law didn't notice any changes.The next morning, the cousin-in-law was going to work, and seeing that Feifei was still sleeping soundly, he wanted her to have a good rest, so he told the maid not to disturb his wife.When he came back at noon, Feifei still hadn't gotten up, and the bedroom door was closed tightly, so he realized something was wrong.But it's too late.The beautiful Feifei has escaped all the troubles of the world and flew to her world of freedom. Throughout the summer of 1983, Chen Bailu and Cousin Feifei kept swaying in front of my eyes, beckoning to me.I decided that was the perfect way to say goodbye.Since my cousin-in-law thought Feifei was sleeping soundly before going to work, the final image of her must still be beautiful.So, I held on tightly to my two bottles of "Quick Sleep".Instead, my heart was calm, and I believed that Guanhua would take a step ahead and wait for me in heaven. August of 1983 was over, and the heat was gradually receding, but Guanhua's body was weakening increasingly obviously.His strength is unbelievable.He went to Beijing Hospital every day to receive radiation therapy, and insisted on taking a walk every day.The lesion developed rapidly, and it was difficult for Director Liu Mingyuan to control it.Guanhua is a thorough materialist, he asked the doctor not to hide his condition from him at all.If someone had seen him in the treatment room at that time and heard him talking and laughing with Dr. Liu and the nurses, no one would have guessed that he was terminally ill and had only fifty days left to live. On August 19, old friends Du Xiuxian and Tang Likui brought their cameras to visit and took a group photo for us for the last time.One of them was later made into a porcelain plate and placed in the living room. No one believed that it was a photo taken thirty-four days before his death. Only I know the pain hidden in his heart and his perseverance in fighting cancer.He often coughs because of lung lesions, and he can't sleep well at night because of his prostate troubles.I get up at least twice a night to take care of him.And during the day, we all want to look relaxed and upbeat.I know we're lying to each other, we both want to keep the greatest pain for ourselves and the greatest hope for each other.But sometimes, it is difficult for us to completely hide our true feelings.Late one night, Guanhua coughed badly.I poured him warm water and helped him sit up again.He paused for breath and asked me to sit next to him.He stroked my hand and said, "I feel sorry for you, I have suffered so much for you." I was very sad, but I pretended to be calm and said, "Don't think like this. Since we are together, we must fight together. Get the disease cured." Guanhua nodded and said, "I know you value my life more than your own. I know it in my heart, but I don't know how to tell you. Sometimes I blame myself, whether I married you in the first place You are so selfish. You are still so young. Now for you, I want to cure this disease.” I finally couldn’t hold back my tears, and I sobbed and said, “Remember? On the night we got married, facing the moon, I said I like church weddings, because it is the most sacred promise: to be with another person for life, "No matter rich or poor, no matter in health or disease, I will always comfort you, take care of you, and be faithful." "Guanhua wiped away my tears for me, sighed deeply, and said: "Without you, I don't know if I can get by these few years. I just feel guilty that you sacrificed too much for me!" Looking back now, Guanhua and I Between Hua, and until his deathbed, we never said the word "death".We just want to talk about "life", the hope of life, the joy of life.So we never talk about wills before death or last wishes after death.Even on that heartbreaking mid-autumn night when he was dying, when he was sober for a short time, he might finally want to say something, but I stopped him, and I still wanted to give him the warmth of a mid-autumn night, and let him take his The hope of life has passed away.The final day has finally arrived! After dinner on September 2, after I was busy in the yard, when I returned to the study, I saw Guanhua's expression was not right.He's staring at the phlegm he's coughing up in a china cup.Seeing me coming in, he immediately pretended to be nonchalant and went into the bathroom with a porcelain cup.I realized what was wrong and asked him what was going on.He said, "It's okay, I'm going to the bathroom." I heard him pour out the porcelain cup, get fresh water out, and go back to the sofa to sit down.I was worried, but he repeatedly said it was fine, don't be nervous.After a while, he coughed again, very violently.He spit into the porcelain cup, covered the lid after spitting, and refused to let me see what he said.But in the end, he was exhausted, and I took the cup, which contained mouthfuls of bloody phlegm!I suddenly felt the blood rushing to my head, and I collapsed on the sofa in front of him, trembling uncontrollably.Instead, Guanhua reassured me that he vomited blood before, probably because of tuberculosis.I know not, I said go to the hospital immediately.He refused, must wait until the next morning.That night, he didn't sleep much and coughed up a lot of bloody phlegm.He asked me to sit on his big bed with him on the pillow behind him, and he held my hand all the time.I kept thinking afterwards that on the night of September 2, I was really flustered, but Guanhua must have been sober.He must have clearly known that once he enters the hospital this time, he might never be able to return to his beloved home, so no matter what, he wanted to spend this night at home with me.Since he was seriously ill, I built a small bed next to the big bed in the bedroom to take care of him.But that night, Guanhua asked me to go back to the big bed and sit with him for most of the night. Guanhua spent 20 days in Beijing Hospital for the last time. On September 22, he finally passed away, gone forever!He walked in the bright autumn sun.This morning, the weather was particularly sunny.At around nine o'clock, Guanhua was suddenly sober. Perhaps this was the so-called "return to light".When he opened his eyes, there was no big difference from usual, except that it was difficult for him to speak.He pointed to the sunshine outside the window, smiled and said to me softly: "Okay!" I was so excited that I didn't know what to say.I really thought that a miracle had appeared again, and said in a panic: "You are so good today! You are going to be better!" He laughed too!At this time, Comrade He Ying and Sister Zhu Duanshou came in to see him.He heard their condolences to him clearly, and he raised his hand in greeting with his usual smile and said, "Thank you!" It is unimaginable!After they left, I said, "Are you tired! Would you like some albumin?" On my left arm, I feed him protein water with my right hand.He was very serene and peaceful, drinking the protein water from my hand with a slight smile.I asked him how he felt, and he said, "Good!" But just after he had taken six or seven sips, he stopped silently and peacefully, and closed his eyes as if falling asleep suddenly, but he was not breathing!I hastily pulled out my left arm to ring the emergency bell.Nurse Duan will be here soon.My voice was trembling with anxiety, and I asked her what was going on.Xiao Duan is Guanhua's most trusted nurse. At this time, her rich experience has told her that the last moment is coming.I can't think clearly about what happened afterwards. I just remember that a large number of medical staff came immediately, and the equipment was brought in. I only remember crying on top of Guanhua, and I was dragged out of the ward... Later, who came out to inform me that Guanhua was gone, gone forever!They helped me into the ward. I seemed to be flying through the clouds, staring at the peaceful Guanhua dumbly. How much I wanted to have a few more words with him!But he seems to be asleep... They didn't let me send Guanhua to the morgue.I don't remember who sent me home.But when I entered the house, I realized that Guanhua would never come back.It was so heartbreaking that I couldn't even take a look at our bedroom, so I lay on the bed in the empty room to the east, staring blankly at my two bottles of Cocoa, asking myself, "What? When is it time to eat?" Looking back at that time now, I am still very grateful to Lao Du (Du Xiuxian), because he was the first true friend who heard the news and came to see me and pulled me back from death.He saw me lying on the bed with a demented look and weeping silently. He didn't say many words of comfort but said to me in a stern voice: "Don't lie down like this, you have to get up! Do you want to die? You can't die, and you can't be so depressed Unfortunately, Boss Chen died prematurely. Zhang Qian must have passed away in less than two years. If she didn't die, she must have a lot to say for Boss. It's a pity that she died so soon!" I was shocked , but still said: "Old Du, I have no strength, I can't live anymore!" But he said: "There is nothing I can't live with, you have to live for Lao Qiao!" I burst into tears, but I got out of bed stood up. I think those who are extremely desperate and want to end their lives probably embrace the god of death immediately at the thought of death.Because as long as there is hesitation between life and death, the call of life will always overcome the temptation of death.In the year after Guanhua's death, I staggered and trekked on a cold life path, with little warmth and care, and struggled to survive almost entirely by my own reason and perseverance.But my hopes for life gradually increased. I thought about my unfulfilled responsibilities. I had promised Guanhua how much to say. .I also get relief from the care of my friends. Although there are very few real friends, there is still true love in the world after all!Among these very few friends, I first thought of Li Hao.When I was wandering along the Huangpu River in the bitter wind and rain, Guanhua's old friends Li Hao and his wife wrote many times to invite me to Suzhou.I went, and that was my desperate turn.The enthusiasm and care of Li Hao and his wife sprinkled a little warmth into my cold heart.They encouraged me to find a resting place for Guanhua on the top of the beautiful Dongshan Mountain.I didn't tell them that I wanted to have my ashes joined with Guanhua's, but I said I wanted to keep his urn with me in my bedroom in Beijing.Li Hao and Weiqing firmly opposed it. They said that I should start a new life and bury Guanhua in Dongshan. He would like it because there are beautiful mountains and rivers.I was moved by their sincerity, so I went to Wu County to find a cemetery.What I found was far more than a resting place for Guanhua, but people's understanding and respect for Guanhua and me.Comrade Guan Zheng, secretary of Wu County at the time, and Yang Qilin from Dongshan Township, and many other comrades warmly helped me when they heard that I was going to build Guanhua's tomb in Dongshan, which moved me to tears more than once.Comrades from Dongshan Township accompanied me up and down the cemetery, and finally chose a 16-square-meter cemetery on the top of the mountain.I was also struggling financially at the time.During Guanhua's illness, I got up early and went to bed late to translate articles for encyclopedias, and got some royalties to buy nutritional supplements for Guanhua.At that time, the nurses on the first floor of the North Building of Beijing Hospital would see the early morning and late night. I borrowed the nurse conference room to devote myself to translation. When Guanhua took a nap at noon, I moved the small rattan table to the aisle and continued to work hard.It was only because of my hard work in exchange for the manuscript remuneration that Guanhua was able to guarantee all nutritional needs and prolong his life for five years.To repair the tomb at this time, I carefully asked how much it would cost.The leader of Dongshan Township actually replied: "You can choose Dongshan to bury Comrade Qiao Guanhua. We paid for the repairs ourselves, and we decided to only charge for materials and labor. This land is considered a little contribution from our Dongshan people to him, and we thank him for bringing honor to the country." "According to history" has been verified so quickly. Not long after I returned to Shanghai from Suzhou, I received a telegram from Feng Yidai, another old friend of Guanhua, asking me to return to Beijing to discuss working in Shekou, Shenzhen.Whether it is Li Hao, or Yi Dai, Xu Chi and other old friends, in the glorious years of Guanhua, they will never add to the cake in the future, so I never knew them at that time.But when Guanhua was in adversity, they all came back to his life and gave me a lot of care and encouragement after his death. I will never forget them. When I returned to Beijing at the end of March, I hurried to find Yidai.He immediately introduced me to Comrade Huang Zongying.Zongying and I were not in the past We met each other, but the first time we met, we talked for four or five hours. Her strength deeply infected me.It was her who, after listening to Yidai's introduction, suggested that I go to Shekou to work for a period of time to heal the trauma in my heart.At that time, she was doing some business in Shekou. She talked with Comrade Yuan Geng. Comrade Yuan Geng, who was also stranger to me, extended his warm hand to me and welcomed me to Shekou.He also specially sent a young cadre to Beijing to accompany me there.Although, due to an unexpected intervention, I stayed in Shekou for the first time and was called back to Beijing after only a week.But in those short seven days, from Yuan Geng to Zongying, and many other friends in the Shekou Industrial Zone, they all sincerely welcomed me to join the ranks of the special zone builders.On the shore of the South China Sea, I felt a relief from long-term depression.People there understand human value with new eyes.I didn't want to take root in Shekou at that time, I just wanted to work there for about half a year so that I could regain my peace and find a starting point for a new life.When I was in Shekou, my mood was still very unstable, and Guanhua's shadow haunted me everywhere.I remember that one night, some friends invited me to "Sea World".I stayed in the bar for a while, always feeling restless, so I went for a walk on the deck.It was a dark night with no moonlight and few stars.I looked at the dark sea in the distance, and a deep sadness came to my heart again.Fate made me fall to the coast of the South China Sea. The road ahead is like this dark sea with no light and no end in sight.I remember standing by the bar and letting my tears flow until my friends came out to find me.I couldn't fall asleep that night, and when I fell asleep, Guanhua appeared and disappeared in my dream. A week later, I was inexplicably called back to Beijing from Shekou. I was extremely angry and desperate.In the half year since Guanhua's death, I was struggling on the edge of life and death. My friends wanted me to live strong, but some people were not only happy for Guanhua's death, but also disliked my better life.They were still watching me after drinking and eating, not to help, but to block my way to live again.It is a pity that among these people, there are many "comrades" who used to call Guanhua brothers!I couldn't help but think of Cao Zhi's poem: "Boil the beans and burn the bean sieve, and the beans are weeping in the cauldron. They grow from the same root, so why is it too urgent to fry each other!" Guanhua participated in the revolution when he was young, and in the vigorous revolutionary torrent, he dedicated his life selflessly energy.How could he have expected to encounter such ups and downs in his later years and pay the price of his life, and even his wife could not be sheltered by him after his death.And all this in the ranks of its own revolution!That was the second time I was crushed to exhaustion, the second time I saw death as home.I locked the bedroom door, holding Guanhua's urn, next to my two bottles of "Sukemian" and a bottle of Maotai wine Guanhua likes. I heard that wine can increase the potency of medicine.I am too tired to travel alone in this world, too tired, I should rest... This time, it was probably my unwillingness to fail that saved me from death.I locked myself in our former bedroom (then Guanhua mourning hall) for more than eight hours.When I calmed down from despair, I thought that Dongshan's tomb had not yet been completed, but I also thought that someone would raise a glass to celebrate my death, because from then on, people would not be able to know the tragedy of Guanhua and me.History will be distorted forever, and justice will always be buried.I can't die! At last I opened the door, entered life again, and began a new struggle.This time, I received the sympathy and help of Guanhua's old friends such as Huang Zhen and Song Zhiguang.In the end, Comrade Hu Yaobang made important instructions in my letter, and the responsible comrades of the Organization Department of the Central Committee finally resolved the conflict properly.When the turmoil subsided, it was the autumn of 1984, the anniversary of Guanhua's death.After going through the test of life and death this year, my emotions finally stabilized gradually.No matter how thorny the road ahead is, I am determined to go on, for Guanhua, for myself, and for the great country and people we love!At that time, my daughter, Niuniu, had grown up and started working.Worried that I was alone and helpless, she invited me to visit relatives in the United States.Some friends also advised me to simply leave, not to pay more for the pain of the past.However, I insisted on staying on this piece of land.This may be an unchangeable persistence and pursuit of our generation.No matter how this piece of yellow land shattered my youthful dreams and middle-aged pursuits, no matter how many painful tears it melted into me, I still can't let go of it!I remember that in 1981, young people at that time had a fashionable topic called "crisis of faith".有一次，一群年轻人来访，其中一位问冠华：“乔伯伯，你一生廉洁，忠心耿耿，却被整得这么惨，你不对自己的信仰动摇吗？”冠华激动起来，认真地说：“我不是工农出身，参加革命、参加共产党不是因为自身受压迫，而是因为对马克思主义的信仰。我十六岁离家，寻求真理，在清华园里，我就开始读马克思的书。后来在德国，我研究康德、黑格尔，研究马克思的学说，最终决定信仰马克思主义。如果我现在对自己的信仰动摇，岂不是我自己把一生的追求都否定了？” 冠华当时那种虔诚的信念给我的印象极深。他由此而相信一切的不公正都可以在自我的调整中解决。我不愿与他争执，因此我从来没有和他谈过我对理想破灭的感受。我相信我们至少有一个共同点是永存的，那就是对这方土地和生息于此的人民的挚爱。至于对不公正的纠正，1984年蛇口风波之后，我有了自己的想法。这年底，我拜访亦代、安娜。他们是我在北京最可信赖的朋友。我告诉他们，在冠华逝世之时，我曾经下过决心，也在他遗体告别时向他默许过：假若我决定活下去，容我两年时间求得心灵的平衡，然后我将为求得公正而奋 斗。一年后的此时，我却对亦代说，我想改变这当初所许的愿。作为冠华生前老友，我想听听他的意见。我说我不想为求得一纸公正去耗费我未来几年的精力，因为即使求得一纸又有何用？冠华1958年被打成右倾机会主义，受“党内严重警告”处分。但是后来当他驰骋在国际风云的舞台上，为中国的外交史增添精彩的一笔时，有谁还会记得这当年的“严重警告”？而当1980年冠华忍受着一生最大的屈辱时，外交部却发来一纸“改正”通知，说1958年的处分是错误的，予以撤销。这是多么大的讽刺！冠华如果还在世，也许争取这一纸公正还有用，因为他渴求有机会施展他的才华。然而，他人已去，一切已成遗恨，这一张纸已不再是他和我所需要的了。冠华一生，无愧无憾，我应当相信历史和人民。我问亦代，我这样对不对，有没有辜负冠华对我的寄托？亦代和安娜对我表示了极深的理解。 自此，我的心平静下来，专心为冠华修东山的墓。我在《故乡行》里提到过，这墓的每个细节都是我亲自设计的。那平放在地，呈三十度角倾斜的墓碑象征着回归大地与人民，在大地母亲的怀抱里仰望长空和锦绣河山。那黑色的大理石墓碑是我1972年访问斯里兰卡时，参谒前总理班达拉奈克墓时受到的启发。那个墓身是一块巨大的不规则的黑色大理石，周围五根巍然屹立的柱子象征和平共处五项原则。当时我很受震动，觉得有一种浩然正气在空中回荡。我在冠华的墓上用黑色大理石的用意是体现他一生的坚定和刚直。墓身周围的鹅卵石是在见到他在盐城上小学时的那条天天踩过的鹅卵石小巷后想到的，象征着他从这铺满鹅卵石的小巷走向世界。墓后的塔松是冠华告诉我他两次陪同总理、陈老总出席日内瓦会议时最最喜爱的是日内瓦的塔松，他说陈老总也很喜欢。墓前台阶旁的两棵桂花也是他生前钟爱的。他特别赞美桂花那不起眼的小花朵能散发出如此沁人心脾的幽香。他一直希望在我们的院子里栽几枝桂花和一方清竹。可惜那都是江南植物，耐不住北方的严寒。现在我在他墓前栽下了一棵金桂、一棵银桂。每年入秋，冠华在塔松的婆娑声中可以闻到阵阵的桂花的芬芳！ 1985年秋，冠华的墓修好了。11月15日我带着他的骨灰启程去苏州安葬。行前，我已逐渐平静的心里又掀起了巨大的波澜。这遗骨陪伴了我两年，如今要离我而去，留在那清冷的东山之巅。我突然后悔不该修那墓，不该让冠华离我而去。我也突然意识到这两年的时间中，冠华无形的存在依然是我赖以生存的一个梦！如今，魂已去，难道梦就从此断了？我久久抚摸着黑色大理石的骨灰盒，难以割舍。最后我断然决定留下一小份骨灰伴我身边。如果我今后飘零到天涯海角，也有他在身边，这个梦将随我远行，给我祝福。 11月17日我在李颢夫妇的陪同下把冠华的骨灰安葬在东山墓地。吴县和东山的领导亲自照料一切，使我感激涕零。我把带去的一张放大的我和冠华的最后合影放入他的墓穴，紧靠着他的骨灰盒。在他墓穴的旁边是个空穴，那里将是我最终的归宿……一切仪式结束后，我谢谢大家，请大家先下山，我想独自最后同冠华在一起呆一会儿。那是江南的深秋，中午时分，阳光和煦，我静静地坐在冠华的墓石旁。一切都已消逝，墓穴已被填平，多少昔日的荣耀，多少难平的冤屈都随着一锹锹的泥土埋入了地下。又是那种无边无际的空虚充满了我全部的身心。眼前似乎又出现了十四年前我们的初识，出现了拉瓦尔品第淡蓝色的夜晚和纽约深秋之夜的肖邦钢琴旋律。这本应是人间一段多么美好的爱情，但命运却使它以悲剧告终！ 从苏州回来，我在忧伤之中夹带着对新的生活的期望。经过了两年痛苦的徘徊，我终于知道我该怎样活下去了。那年我整五十，是一个重新开始的很好的里程碑。我不会忘记过去，但正因为这过去，我要再度证实我可以是生活的强者。我需要更换环境。那时我虽然有一个单位，但仍在原来的系统。那里的许多年轻人对我也不无同情，但在权势与偏见的压制下，我连工作的机会都没有。这时我得到了另一位我永不忘记的长者的帮助。那就是杜老，杜润生同志。和袁庚同志一样，我与杜老素不相识。但他们这两位老共产党员同样地珍惜人的 才华，同样地对党内发生的许多事情用历史的、唯物辩证的眼光看待，同样地宽厚待人。在我一生最艰难的时期，他们两位都曾慷慨地给予我宝贵的理解和真切的帮助。当杜老的夫人马素芳大姐介绍我认识杜老，我对他说我想换个单位做点工作时，他毫不犹豫地欢迎我到他领导的国务院农研中心去协助国际交往工作。那时候，中国的经济、政治体制正在改革的初期，干部的流动还主要是组织分配和调动。因此，杜润生同志的帮助使我脱离困境，开始了并不轻易的新的探索。 冠华的墓修成之后，每年的清明，我都去扫墓。为了能安安静静陪伴冠华，我都避开清明的正日，避开蜂拥而至的扫墓人流。每年我去时，公墓的负责人都告诉我，清明节时，来扫墓的人中很多人都要打听“乔冠华的墓在哪里”，许多人上去默哀，还有一次一位上海的文艺界人士在冠华的墓前落泪。我的朋友们逢上去苏州，也有不少专程去东山看冠华。北京医院吴蔚然院长是冠华数十年的挚友良医。1987 年他在清明之后去苏州开会也抽空去了东山。回京后他给我寄来两张照片，一张是吴院长在墓前默哀，另一张是照的墓前三束已经枯萎的野花。蔚然同志贴了张条说“哪位来探视冠华，留下野花三束？” 时光又过了几年。1991年春我照例去东山。公墓已换了新的负责人，他陪我上山，就如他的上一位负责人一样，还是告诉我那些动人的故事。使我十分感动的是他还告诉我很多人为了对冠华表示怀念之情，决定也在东山为他们的亲人仿照我设计的冠华墓地修了墓。仅在那一面山坡就总共有二十八个一模一样的墓了。他领我去看了其中三个。同去的朋友开玩笑说我应当申请专利了。我却无限感慨，热泪盈眶。我说：“不，这不是我的专利。老乔的一切都是属于人民的。我感谢人民记得他。”那天我实在很激动，我请大家下去在公墓办公室等我。我一人长久长久地坐在冠华墓前的台阶上。上午刚下过雨，此时的午后阳光从云层后透出万道柔和的光束照耀在满山碧绿的桔树叶上，照耀在山脚下一望无际波光涟漪的太湖上。微风拂来，周围寂无一人，只有我陪伴着冠华。我坐在那里，一切感觉似乎都已凝固。大自然似乎也停在了永恒点上。我望着开始西斜的太阳，想着那太阳几个小时后将从西方地平线上沉没，但再过几个小时，它却又会从东方地平线上冉冉升起。就这样，周而复始，人的生命有限，而大自然是永恒的。庸庸碌碌的人生也许随着西沉的太阳从此了无踪迹，但壮丽的人生会化成阳光的光束循环不止永存于宇宙之间。我慢慢地回头看冠华的墓碑，我刚刚为之上过蜡的金字在阳光照射下熠熠生辉。我似乎有一种大彻大悟，冠华早已不在那黑色大理石的墓碑之下了。他的英魂已融化在这伟大的宇宙间，化作清风，化作细雨，化作阳光。他就这样永恒地存在，无所不在，与我在一起直至永远。