Chapter 12 Chapter 8 Waiting for the "Elephant"

The person in the room next to me also suffers from the same disease as me. When I woke up at night, I heard him turning over, and then he coughed, and I coughed too. After a while, I coughed, and he coughed again, and it lasted for a long time until I felt like two roosters crowing to each other before dawn, on that remote farm. —— June 1918 Within a few days of crossing the Channel, Catherine went to see Dr. Inger and knew that she "did have lung neck, but she convinced Inger that the nursing home "could not save me, it would only make me die sooner," so she Ready for "home treatment", probably in Hamster. She intends to find a house before winter and live with Murray in Radcliffe Street, Falham, which she likes because there is no It was a little bourgeois, and the people who lived there didn't wear hats. Of course, Murray thought differently, his room didn't see much sunlight, and she kept saying nonchalantly that she would go shopping while he was at work.

She had no idea what it was like to buy things in line in London these days. On April 29, Catherine was finally allowed to divorce Borden. On May 3, as witnessed by JD Ferguson and Dorothy Brett, Catherine and Murray went to the marriage registry and finally officially became a couple. Catherine got rid of The surname that made her feel guilty every time she saw it immediately wrote a letter to Virginia Woolf proudly, signing it with the new initials KMM. an ambivalence, so that when they met she belittled it, perhaps as a form of self-defense against the Bloomsbury gang.A few days after the wedding she went to dinner at Woolf's house, and soon Virginia wrote to Mrs. Morel that she found Catherine as mysterious and charming as ever, but felt that marriage was as ordinary as hiring a handyman, "she Part of the fascination with that comes from the fact that she has to make ridiculous comments."

In fact her wedding day was a miserable one too: our wedding, you can't imagine what it meant to me, was marvelous--it should have been sunny, I think--despite all the other things in life.But that's just part of the succubus, you didn't hold me in your arms and call me your wife at all.In fact the whole thing was like a birthday to me and I have to keep you remembering it.. However for 6 years Murray was emotionally attached to a vibrant young woman who was ill when he married her How would Murray feel when she was in high school and had just learned that she had a disease that claimed 1,000 lives a week?

In Wellington, the family joyfully welcomed the news that Catherine and her Jack were about to be officially married (both had letters approving from her parents), but a telegram from Mr Key told them another news, Beecham Madame wrote to a family friend that Catherine was going to the South of France for the winter, where she had been for health reasons.Last time she wrote from Bandar to say she was doing better with her pleurisy and rheumatism, but unfortunately on her return to London we had a telegram last week saying she was very ill with open tuberculosis and needed immediate help. Go to a nursing home ①The name of an area in London. ——Annotation or recuperating at home, you can imagine the pain and shock we have endured, and I will also telegraph Harold who is on a short-term business trip in Sydney.Of course I also wired them to entitle them to pay for any extra expenses the poor child may require, and I will do everything I can for her.Cherdy had been very good to her since her arrival in England, and Kath relished the attention of her generous and loving sister.But it seems that there is not much that can be done for her, except to try to make her live happily and comfortably for the rest of her life.Of course, if possible, I'll visit her next time the ship comes, knowing she'll be happy to see me again, because she's finally learned to love her parents, and recently wrote us sweet and lovely letters, like that Sweet and beautiful, poor baby, she lost so much, but it was her own choice, luckily she was the last one to send Leslie to France, a privilege she never forgot because she adores her only brother , and he was sympathetic to all her transgressions, and even at school he used to write to us artfully phrased letters begging her forgiveness.

The Murrays, who live in London, have little contact with people. They do not want to go to Jiaxington to celebrate their wedding. When they were in France, Catherine's feelings for Mrs. Morel were overshadowed because she knew something , she never went there again.The Lawrences now live in Derbyshire and do not correspond with them; Ida goes back to Putney to run the machine tool and lives in the arsenal worker's dormitory, enjoying herself very much; Catherine's "spirit" said some nasty things); Brett on holiday in Scotland; Anne Estelle Rice and her husband went to paint in Cornwall; Bertrand Russell went to prison for sedition; Strachey, who is now at Tiedmarsh with Carrington, is almost acclaimed for having written "Victorian Distinguished Men"; when it was published in May, it was praised by Mr. Asquith. , and all London society wanted to meet the great author.

In Richmond, the Woolfs hadn't quite lined up their "Publication No. 2," "my poor darling Overture still screaming in their little birdcage, not out yet," Catherine Wrote to tell Brett in Scotland that she hoped the book would turn around, and surely Murray hoped it would, too. In the diary written at this time, there are some vivid and short works, which are very good things written when her "true self" took control of the pen, including keen observations of the life of citizens on Radcliffe Street, a visit to Ferguson's studio, and movie scripts. A fragment from the 1990s; describing poor hungry dogs wandering the streets "sniffing by dry ditches," this last fragment is like a letter from Rilke.Yet another work also records her ironic and sentimental ambivalence: Catherine asks herself if she really likes this sort of thing, after jotting down some of the gossip of the handmaids, "And poets—and flowers and trees ?” And she answered herself: “Since I can't have other perfect things, I do like this kind of thing. I feel handy, it has no place, and neither do I, and—and—oh, I do feel too good to be sarcastic.” Perhaps Goodyear could tell her what was wrong with her, that she needed to let go of her Georgian idyllic sentiments and attune her own vision of modern life to find poetry on city streets, yet Threatened by lung disease, the possibility of doing so comes and goes.

Indeed, everything changed, and Catherine could no longer be the center of the party, no more escapades.It is true that a person can experience various lives, but death is different, there is only one death for a person. ①At this time Mrs. Beecham herself was seriously ill, and died three months later. ——Original note ②The name of the county in central England. ——Annotation Almost every 11 o'clock in the evening I hope it is 11 o'clock in the morning, I walked back and forth, looking at the bed, looking at the desk, looking at the mirror, frightened by the hot girl in the sun, thinking " Will my candle burn to the end?" Then she sat and stared at the carpet for a long time--gazing until some chance chance raised her head.Oh my God, the dreaded thought of this man dying, and dying.

The suspicion that a consumptive sufferer feels among healthy and strong people tormented her now, when she saw Murray pressing his handkerchief to her lips, and turning away, while she was coughing lately; Whether "still longing for the Heron", she was advised to move out of London for the summer just two weeks after her long-dream wedding. They had their eyes on a house in Hamsted, a gray brick behemoth they called "The Elephant," which could be moved into in August; being cared for in an environment that meant he "wanted to get rid of her". Anne Estelle Rice lives at Lowe, where there is a fine hotel, which she says is "just right for Mansfield", and has money to pay for it now, and Murray is Chief Inspector Officer, there are more than 500 pounds. Beecham gave Catherine an additional allowance of 200 pounds a year. In this way, on May 17, Anne Estelle Rice placed her in the Headland Hotel in Lore. Nice room facing the sea.Despite the war, there was still plenty of food and motherly care from the kind Mrs. Harney.

After the usual flurry of joy and excitement after arriving somewhere, Murray learned that she had fallen ill again, aching with every cough, and that Lore's young Irish doctor came to see her in the middle of the night, and soon she was breathing much easier— — Naturally thinking of writing again, although she encountered the usual difficulty of not knowing how to start, she felt that "in my terrible modern way, I cannot touch my own heart", she seemed to see herself standing In front of the phone booth that people hate, you can't "connect the phone": "Sorry, no one answers the phone." A soft voice came. "Can you dial again?—Switch, let the phone ring one more time, someone must be there."

"No one answered." The house must be empty, then--not even the old fool at the door, it's dark, empty, and quiet everywhere. It was strange how she kept seeing this empty house, like her father's warehouse. — "I saw boxes of heavy timber being hoisted, and pitched ropes swinging down." That day or two, driven by anxiety, she finally broke her silence and began to write a new work, "a remarkable story", "a devastating subject". "A Married Man" is neither sentimental nor caustic, with a clarity and specificity found only in her best late work, with its self-centered narrator, the son of a pharmacist, poisoned to death. own wife.The child recalls his dying mother coming to his bed; a haggard prostitute sneaking in to buy his father's famous aphrodisiac; means trying something new.

Three weeks later, Murray went to Catherine's for a week's holiday together before returning to Redcliffe Street—Catherine had gained four pounds, thanks to the hotel she hated. Work had begun to cover the Prelude for release, the main July event for both the Murrays, however it was later overshadowed by another sensation among literary friends. . Before that, Mrs Morel wished to do Siegfried Sassoon (who was admired for his anti-war attitude in 1917 and is now back at the front) by asking Murray to write for his collection of war poetry review, expecting him to praise the book highly.The review, published in the July 13th issue of The Nation, showed his impartiality and honesty, which, at various times in his life, had cost him.One can only praise him for what he has written, but at any rate he would have been wise not to publish it. Philip Morel wrote a haughty letter of protest to The Nation, and Mrs. Morel, who had just heard that Sassoon had suffered a head wound, wrote to Murray, dramatically claiming that the article "may kill him”; and Murray, unaware of Sassoon’s injury, wrote back defending his duty as a critic (“You seem to have forgotten that poetry is far more important to me than all men”).Mrs. Morel also wrote to Bertrand Russell in Briston Gaol at the same time, escaping the scrutiny of the guards by tucking sheets of paper between the uncut pages of a book.In the same way Russell smuggled an angry letter of protest to The Nation, signed it "Literary Lover," and told Mrs. Morel how much he admired the poems.Catherine wrote to Mrs. Morel saying "Oh--these misunderstandings.. I really don't want Sassoon to be hostile to Murray".Sassoon wrote back from France and asked Mrs. Morel who wrote the review, and after knowing it, wrote: "I hope to write something that makes Murray happy".Russell had received a copy of the Prelude from Mrs. Morel, telling her that he found it trivial and worthless—too bad that such trivial things should be allowed.No one commented on it; Mrs. Morel replied that she did agree with him.The Murrays canceled their July 27 visit to Gazington, where the Woolfs were also going, but they were not at all prepared to endorse Philip's letter of protest, and so "said almost nothing but the Murray crisis ", which amused Clive Bell ("Virginia seems uncompromisingly upholding the impartiality of reviews, while she can achieve brilliant things herself"), Russell told Mrs. Morel that Catherine hated her , because Murray likes her, which means Catherine must hate Sassoon, since Mrs. Morel doesn't hate him; therefore Murray should hate Sassoon as well.Russell said that the Murrays were exactly like the Lawrences, only a little more restrained, and Catherine, who was jealous, was entirely to blame when he was in that emotional situation himself, she was very suitable for him, but she should be avoided. . And Brett told Mrs. Morel at this time that she thought Bert was like a raging fly on the window, and she hated his pretentiousness and weakness of character: "God got the upper hand in him--but he His own personality is rather stupid and low-style." The little blue-covered book called "Prelude" received no enthusiastic acclaim, no sympathizers prepared to exalt it, no one bought it in bookstores, almost no comments, and little attention in the press, because it It is a product of non-professional publishing houses.Virginia later read "Happiness" in the English Review, and threw it away as a nuisance.In this way, "Prelude" came out almost silently, just at this time Catherine learned that her mother passed away after a long illness in Wellington on August 8. "Yes, it was a huge blow," she wrote to Brett a week later: "She was the most precious and lovely person, even from this distance and wrote to me about the garden, the house, and being in bed with my father." Gossip, and how much she liked the "loyal Negro maid who came out of nowhere." Delicious Tea from the Annotation”—and letters that often began with “It’s a beautiful day, my dear child”—her life was more complete and perfect than anyone I’ve ever met—and her Joy comes entirely from great courage—courage in the face of anything. So the Murrays moved into No. 2 Portland House in East Heath Road, overlooking the Heath Canyon, and began "home therapy."Mrs. Morel sent her blessings to the "elephant" from the garden villa where she spent the summer, and gave Catherine some boxes of flowers, and the two began to reconcile; because Mrs. Morel told Russell, "I do like her, you Know—with all the unhappiness, she's just lost her mother, and she's very sad." Ada likes her freedom under the control of the machine. The factory and the dormitory make decisions for her. She likes both. She makes new friends and begins to "integrate" with this regular life. , would lose it all, but Catherine had planned that when they moved to Hamster, Ada could follow and help manage the house. Love her, but think that if you move, you will have no one else to rely on, help with packing in Radcliffe Street, know what to do when you get to Hampstead; only she knows how to measure the length of curtains, etc., But I was embarrassed to let her break up with her after finishing these things, "If you treat her like that, it will be over."So Catherine wrote to Murray from Lore in May - and Leslie also wrote a letter offering herself, but it was crossed out again in the post. In Radcliffe Street, Ada recalls, Catherine asked her one night before the move if she would go with them to Hamster "to help look after" and there was a near-argument as a result: she shuddered at the thought of having to give up everything Feeling a sinking heart, but went with them anyway, she gave up her war service and was by Catherine's side almost all her life, except for the last three months. The "Elephant" was the first house the Murrays owned themselves, and because Murray was still a bankrupt with outstanding debts, it was difficult to finance the house. Richard Murray remembers furniture from thrift stores or government surplus Supplies, including Catherine's "Government Office Desk", later painted bright yellow, on which she did all her writing at Hamms, the living room was upholstered in calico, and the curtains were made by Ada , the original drawings from Rhythm hung on the walls, a large workshop in the basement became the printing room of the Heron Press, and the type trays were kept in the greenhouse at the back. Dissatisfied with Hogarth Press, silent The Lees established their own printing house through their own efforts, and the first product was Murray's "Poetry, 1917-1918". Thanks to Richard's professional training, this book is more formal than "Prelude"; The first product is "I don't speak French". With the move comes another new change, vital to Catherine's health, and Anne Estelle Rice now introduces her to Dr. Victor Soropil, who is one of her doctors The only one with whom he could talk freely, he quickly brought about critical changes.The disease Kay had been mistaking for "rheumatism" had caused her a lot of pain in June, and only Dr. Soropier, who had done the proper examination, diagnosed her arthritis as being related to gonorrhea, cleared up the inflammation, and Catherine was at Zhong and other letters expressed her gratitude. However, although they had their own house and opened the door, few friends came to visit. Not long after they moved, on Acacia Road, Curt suddenly received a simple telegram, "Come tonight, Catherine", living in The nearby Gordon Campbells, who also received the same telegram, thought she was seriously ill, and all went there.Catherine does appear morbid, but welcomes them cheerfully, "We haven't seen each other for a long time, I thought it would be fun for you to come together tonight." She acts as if nothing happened in 1916 and doesn't mention it at all. quarrel. ①Murray's younger brother. —— Annotation Catherine and Curt's relationship thus began a new stage, and within a few days, Lawrence and Frieda also came to Hamster to meet their friends. Lawrence came to Elephant two or three times, and while he and Murray could no longer get over their differences (“They were both too proud and Murray was too jealous”), Kay herself rekindled an old cordial friendship, “ At least to me he's cute again and I love him," she wrote to Brett, who was obsessed with nut nuts, marigolds, forest fires and the like, and his dark self disappeared. "Oh, there's something so endearing about him: his longing, his eagerness to live - it's very endearing".Lawrence even gave her a gold bowl filled with fluorite when he returned to Derbyshire, but they never saw each other again. Just at this time, Catherine agreed to be seen by two pulmonologists, a relative of her father, Sidney Beecham (brother of "Elizabeth"), who was on the night of her thirtieth birthday, October 14th. With a high fever, he came to see her, like a 30-year-old gift from her father, and he said that only the nursing home was her only hope.The other doctor was recommended by Murray's colleagues in the War Department and was a "celebrity" who said the same thing to Murray downstairs when he left, or "4 years abroad".Catherine evidently considered the suggestion, for Virginia told her sister shortly afterwards that Catherine "will go to Switzerland with Murray and will be well."But that advice was quickly dropped, with Dr Soropir disagreeing with the two experts, saying they did not understand that Catherine's work was essential to her will to survive and that she would be barred from working in the nursing home. November 11 came, at 11 o'clock in the morning, the guns roared, announcing the arrival of peace, the people on the street were ecstatic, "I think of my brother, I think of you", Catherine wrote to Mrs. Morel on November 17 "I am eager to embrace you, and I will always remember that you had a different perspective on the impact of this war on the world - because you have a great sense of life," the letter said.A few days earlier, Catherine had told Virginia Woolf that she thought most people wanted neither war nor peace. Mrs. Morel soon reconciled with Murray and became friends again. On the 21st, Virginia completed her "Night and Day".From 7 December, Britons can once again bake pies, top them with sugar and chocolate, and buy pre-war flour again.With the street lights on and the country in a state of preparation for the festive season, Catherine had nothing but "the sad sight of my brother's grave" to occupy her mind. They still had a Christmas party at Elephant - Curt, Gertler and the Campbells - which must have brought back memories of Colesbury, stockings and Christmas trees, decorations, biscuits, pudding and wine , they also played anagrams.Little bags of sweets were tied to the tree, and Catherine cut them out and distributed them, as if it were the Last Supper, which displeased Curt; he would only play the dead in charades.In fact, it was Catherine's last Christmas in the UK. This is also a time when she feels very anxious in private.Virginia Woolf recently got used to seeing her every week and found that she liked her more and more. In a diary in 1918, there is a description of their farewell on the steps of the Portland villa, which is about the scene of the weeping willow leaves falling in winter: the door opened again, and she left, as if in another world,— — night, cold, infinite, mysterious world. She saw again the beautiful steps descending, the ivy quivering in the wind around the dark garden--the weeping willows with their leaves on the other side of the road--the vast starry sky above--and silence again, like Asking a question—but this time she didn't hesitate, she stepped forward, very tenderly, kindly—seeming to stir up ripples in the infinite silence—whispering "That's good," another said, "Good night, dear friend".A long, loving hug, yes, that's it - of course that's what the two of them crave. There may have been some "little love" in Virginia's affection for Catherine, which, of course, could not be compared with her later passion for Victoria Sackville West, but some infatuation with Catherine could not have been. An elusive personality, and all her unusual 'experiences', if true, would have been the case during Virginia's weekly visits in the fall of 1918. After Christmas, Virginia felt "abandoned"—because Kay didn't thank her for the gift—and by mid-February, she wondered if Katherine could still be considered "my friend." It was "very painful" for Virginia that they would see each other again, and they had been close, "not frankly, but earnestly."Virginia has both liking and curiosity for Catherine, and now "she keeps silent, without thanks, inquiries and requests to me." A few days later Catherine did invite Virginia to tea, explaining that "some new treatment had given her a fever for two days, and she could not see others."In fact it took a month for the visit to take place, and as Virginia was about to leave Catherine, on the spur of the moment, spoke briefly of what had happened after their separation—"something dark and catastrophic, perhaps It's about Murray."She only hinted at it briefly, but said she wanted to forget about it - "obviously it was on her mind". Of course it was impossible for Virginia to know what it was.It was at the end of December that Catherine learned from Dr. Thoropier that the cause of her so-called "rheumatism" for the past eight years had been gonorrhea, beginning in 1910. She feels remorse and shame, which would explain the sudden silence Virginia encounters.There was a long blank period after New Years, 1918, when the last, perhaps private, comment on the news was kindly and tactfully told to her by Dr. Soropier, and thanked for it later in the diary: 31 December , 4:15 p.m.: Oh, that's when she walks up and down the ceiling, runs up the shiny window panes, flies through the lights, and through a beam of sunlight. God watched the fly fall into a jug of milk, and thought it was good, the little angels gloated and played the harp, cheering "the fly fell, fell!" ①Victoria Sackville West (1892~1962), a British female novelist, is a close friend of Woolf. ——Annotation Literary Association I found that I couldn't light one end of a candle while using the other end to light my book. —— January 10, 1919 In January 1919, three months after learning of his wife's imminent death, Murray was invited to become editor-in-chief of the weekly The Temple of Athena.At the time, the weekly's distribution and sales were sluggish, and the philanthropist Arnold Rontree suggested that it be revitalized to serve the new post-war society.Murray was approaching thirty, and this was the first opportunity for his own development; for, though he still considered himself a poet at this time, he admitted that he was not a novelist.It was not an easy job, he had to deal with the best writers at the time, whether they liked him or not; to try to form a group and win their trust, Catherine's help was crucial, and ideally she would become the owner of the Potland Villa. hostess.If The Temple of Athena abandons its club-leather-chair readers and begins afresh as a postwar publication of science, art, music and drama, she will need her help. They couldn't publish her short stories at first (short stories are usually not the content of serious publications, just belong to general magazines), but she can review serial novels, Virginia can write, Foster can also, Li Dun Strachey, now famous enough to attract readers, sent him an immediate letter, although Murray had recently written about his "kind of cynical TV presenter flair."They might also invite Clive Bell to join the group--and Bertrand Russell, and perhaps even Lawrence to write something befitting of this genteel publication. In 1889, one of RL Stevenson's characters, overwhelmed by the pronunciation of the publication's name, exclaimed, "My God, what a publication, what a publication it is!" In 1919, he could So said. Administrative help was Murray's admirer JWN Sullivan, and Elliott, who was working diligently at the bank at the time, and Murray did try to get him to be an associate editor; or the bright young Huxley, who was not yet Work for Vogue①.Ron Terry gave Murray an annual salary of 800 pounds - 300 pounds more than his income in the War Department. It is not a problem to keep Ada and her servants, so that Catherine can be spared. The news was welcomed at both Jossington and Bloomsbury, for it meant a change of taste from the New Statesman, whose literary editor was the deeply authoritarian Jack Skell. Dog on lead, flagon in hand, at the head of the Georgian literati and philistines, Strachey wrote to Otline when he heard of Murray's appointment, "He got the Temple of Athena, really Exciting, eh? I do think it should give some life to old English literature. ’ Virginia privately hoped that Catherine would refrain from reviewing Night and Day, and it was Jack who was distrusted in Derbyshire, Lawrence wrote to Curt, jeering, ‘I am so glad to have Murray as our merciful protector By.La-la-la! " These two "tigers" ushered in the seventh British spring since the era of "Rhythm" magazine and Clovelly House. sorrow.The willows on the lawn were not fully green before Murray's first issue was published. The first kitten born on the elephant the next day is named after it. (Yardi was not much heard of at Portland House, but its younger brother Wenley was often mentioned later.) Catherine wrote few short stories in 1919, when William Heyman rejected her collection of Finally, she wrote a very scathing little piece for The Temple of Athena, and has since remained silent ① a magazine title. ——Annotation, even her notebook is blank for 4 months, she spends all her energy on journals (frequent visitors and discussions), on housework (management of servants and Edda), but most of all Continuing to write many excellent reviews, feeding you with witty language. "Murray and I worked on Temple of Athena like niggers," she wrote to Altrin, "I don't know if you really like it, I feel like pink icing on a big black cake Butterflies—worthless." Indeed, at first the whole issue, except for the articles signed "KM," was somber, and Mrs. Woolf said of Murray to Otline, "At least it was the outlet for his pain. ".Regardless, the journal was a success, and one of the first people invited to contribute was Paul Valéry, the "crisis of the heart." Elliott decided to stay at the bank, Murray hired Sullivan and Huxley as assistants, Catherine was never happy to hire Huxley, finding him stupid and "foolish-headed". There was an evening at Elephant, gathering everyone who might write or be friends—maybe the first of its kind Catherine threw, and it might be the last.The Woolfs did not come, nor Elliott, because Lloyd's sent him on a business trip to the provinces; Leeton apologized for not being able to come, and Mrs. Morel sent some peonies, delphiniums and cloves, but she did not come.But there was Swinnerton, the musician EJ Dent, a friend of the Blue Review; Dent started telling an overly drawn-out joke, and the kitten started tearing Bertrand Russell's pants, Clive smug, Jack Hutchinson sitting on the couch like a dumpy guy ("but, by God, never fell off"), Roger Fry flipping through the Hopkins poetry collection, Ida went around "distributing Carrying sweets as if she were riding a horse with the head of John the Baptist." A week before, Catherine had suddenly coughed up blood, and it was astonishing how she had survived without falling ill, which again showed her great talent for supporting herself mentally in exceptional circumstances. A diary entry written the next day (May 30) amused how she took on the unaccustomed role of party hostess. Few writers in this century have expressed so vividly what really good food gives to people. The exquisite enjoyment brought, intoxicating satisfaction. Often after reading a modern novel, the question arises: Why did you write this book? The answer is not always immediately available, indeed, there is no answer, and perhaps the question concerns our present multiplicity of writers.A well-known young novelist answered half of that question, saying in the preface to a new book of his own that he wrote it because he had to, because he "couldn't help it"—but only half, because we Having finished writing the book and setting it aside, I cannot help but wonder about the nature of this mysterious desire.How many books are written, previewed, published, kept in libraries, reviewed, bought, borrowed, left in hotel lobbies, buses, train cars, and ship decks in astonishing numbers? Believe that every book was once the baby son of some proud author? —his hope of gaining the treasured rebirth? This is the first paragraph she wrote after reviewing her new "Temple of Athena" novel-an artful and elegant declaration without declaring war on anyone, which is another role she can play, using the must-have Less "we", rather than her own personal language, which is a universal language of women, ① Swinnerton (1884~?), editor of the British Press. ——Annotation ② EJ Dent (1876~1959), a famous British music theorist, was a professor of music in Cambridge. ——Annotation ① John is a character in the Bible. It is said that he was a Jewish prophet who came from a priestly family. Jesus began his missionary activities only after he was baptized by him. ——译注因为此时这位作者的丈夫正竭力争取新读者，而又不想失去老读者。从此她保留着这种语调，在接下来的18个月中克服了种种困难，也用此语调讨论各种问题，包括维吉尼亚?吴尔夫，FM福斯特以及H.德?维尔?斯台普尔（《蓝色环礁湖》的作者，甚至还有一位更浅薄的名叫贺拉斯WC纽特的作家，他的书销量以百万计。 凯瑟琳第一篇文章中先提到多萝西?理查德逊①（她不合格，因为“她没有记忆力”），然后再一一谈到当时许多无足轻重的人物，然而她也写到了康拉德、乔治?莫尔、V.萨克维尔?威斯特、格特鲁?斯泰因②（“写成散文的黑人音乐，具有它所有能令人发疯的单调”），吉尔伯特?迦南、修?沃波尔、杰克?伦敦和约翰?高尔斯华绥——在她最后一篇文章中，她以敏锐的洞察力讨论过他的《骑虎》。她的评论彬彬有礼，巧妙公正，完全没有文学俗套或评论家的陈词滥调，讨论福斯特的《塞壬的故事》时，她趁此机会弥补了过去说过的一些打趣的话（当时她在《新时代》上撰文评论《霍华德别业》），下面这段话对这两本书的评价都比较公正：在他所有的文章中都有一种重视气氛的非常微妙的感觉，表达细致入微，而他对自己笔下独特人物的欣赏使他流露出一种半奇特、半同情的特别幽默，..但是在《霍华德别业》中，我们却有一种难以解释的感觉，似乎他并没有尽力发挥自己的想象力来为读者创造那个世界，这的确引起了我们的好奇心，这位作家怎能满足于不去探求自己可爱的领地呢？ 人们在凯瑟琳的评论中不易发现审美能力，TS艾略特就说过她没有，或至少是没有纯粹的美感。她避免公开谈论短篇小说形式，她觉得至少大部分小说家都不是严肃作家，事实上，他们的大部分作品都像是根据某些引人食欲的菜谱掺和调制的，她称之为“消遣小说”的作品也像今日电视上的同类一样，是由卖文为生的人制作的。任何人想知道为什么凯瑟琳?曼斯菲尔德自己的作品深受欢迎，都可以在《小说和小说家》中找到解释，此书是默里将她的评论文章汇编成集的，展示了1922年一片等待甘霖的贫瘠土壤，当然，在那几年中，《园会》并不是沙漠中唯一的花朵。 在波特兰别墅住了一个冬天，就足以使凯瑟琳改变对“居家治疗”的看法，到了1919年6月，她希望奥特琳能来她“在圣雷莫①的小别墅”居住，信件和笔记中都流露出想要挣钱的强烈愿望，显然她发现肺结核是非常要花钱的疾玻默里每年800镑，加上她自己的生活费（300镑）和写评论所得的100英镑使他们摆脱了艰难处境，但是，凯瑟琳同默里在钱财上的关系也像她同自己父亲的关系一样陷入困惑之中，金钱的数额本身并不重要，重要的是其中牵涉到的情感问题。从一开始她俩的关系中就有某种凯瑟琳供养默里的成分在内；从这一点来看他从来就不是“丈夫”，甚至现在两人也自理钱财，①多萝西?理查德逊（1873～1957），英国小说家，常被其他作家视为英国文学的改革者，是首先使用“意识流”手法写作的小说家之一，主要作品有《蜂巢》等。——译注②格特鲁?斯泰因（1874～1946），美国作家，评论家，提倡新的文学写作方式，曾长期居住巴黎，其文学沙龙在当时享有盛名。——译注①意大利著名的沿海游览休养胜地，紧邻摩纳哥、法国。——译注然而她有些痛恨这一点。有一天，她偶然听说默里仍在为作战部工作，每年挣250英镑，但却瞒着她，她感到很恼火。 她的确有些矛盾心理，虽然她内心的一半盼望做个老式的妻子，依靠一位坚强的好丈夫，而另一半却坚持要求独立，希望得到自己姐姐的同情：“我从姐姐那儿连5个便士也拿不到”，她写信告诉奥特琳：“一看见我，我姐姐的钱包就杳无踪迹，她比我富得多，我却甚至还准备为她从都佛路到汉姆斯特付车钱。” 8月，她父亲从新西兰来，失去了妻子，孑然一身，他带来了最小的女儿珍妮，把她留在英格兰，这是最后一只从老巢飞出的小鸟了。凯瑟琳此时已病得非常厉害，又开始考虑是否要去疗养院治疗。她把父亲看作“一个巨大的帽子的象征，从中我将抽出那张决定我命运的小纸条”，也就是说希望他会为她支付去疗养院的费用。他来喝茶（这是自从1912年以来他们第一次见面），比任何时候都更像爱德华七世。她发现他很可爱——“就像我想象中一样，甚至更生气勃勃，热情洋溢，谈吐生动，幽默风趣”。她希望他同默里能够和睦相处，但是默里那天恰好“又闹情绪”，比切姆大笑时，他把头扭开——“根本就没同他说话，对他不屑一顾”。 毫无疑问，这就是后来产生那悲剧性状况的原因：凯瑟琳每年300镑的生活费直到她去世，再也没有增加过，虽然她的需要大大增加了。没有手伸进那个帽子里去，也没有从中抽出任何能解救她“金钱情结”的方法。而且她从一位亲戚那儿听说连生活费也是勉强给的；他忘了她10月的生日；最坏的后果是对她的艺术创作产生了严重的影响，这在某些方面可以见到。 不难知道是什么妨碍了父亲慷慨的赐予，默里这家伙最近当了书报总检查官，现在又弄到了那份叫作《雅典娜神庙》周刊主编的职位，他现在难道不是凯瑟琳的丈夫吗？——不管过去怎样。难道他不能为自己的妻子支付医药费，或者把她送到国外去住一段时间吗？家里人还记得早年不愉快的事情——例如，1914年，凯瑟琳趁维拉在伦敦之际，从她那儿“借”了一些钱去法国。正如一位家庭成员曾经说过的：“当然，钱可以给凯瑟琳姨妈，但不能给那个小团体①。” 此时虽然凯瑟琳的确希望能多得到一些钱，感到自己的姐妹们比她富有的多，很不公平，但她渴望得到的不仅仅是钱，而是父亲的爱，渴望他能对自己犯了过失但仍爱他的、濒临死亡的女儿凯丝表示慈爱，甚至宽耍不幸得很，似乎是默里在那个致命的下午表现不佳，使比切姆不可能让步。多年以后，比切姆提到默里时还说他是“一个道地的无赖”。 根据索罗皮尔的建议，决定无论如何凯瑟琳必须在里维埃拉度过下一个冬天，埃达要陪同前去。买了三个人的车票，因为杰克也要去帮助她们安顿下来。当埃达忙着收拾行李时，凯瑟琳拿了一张纸写了下面这封信：我亲爱的孩子：我把这封信留在基先生处，以防万一我突然死去，没有机会谈到这些事情。 如果我是你的话，就会卖去所有的家具，乘海船出去长期航行。不要呆在伦敦，马上离开，去某个可爱的地方。 ①暗指凯瑟琳与默里所组成的非正式家庭，因两人当时属非法同居。——译注当然我所有的钱都是你的，我希望有足够的钱替我下葬，我不要火化，不要墓碑或任何此类东西，如果可能，请尽量挑选一个安静的地方，你知道我多么痛恨吵闹。 信中接着要求把一些个人纪念物送给朋友们，包括劳伦斯——退还他的金碗；然后是一句重要的话，后来得到正式遗嘱的证实：“所有我的手稿都留给你。”信最后说，“就这些，但不要让任何人哀悼我，那没有用，我认为你应该再次结婚生孩子，如果有女孩子，把那个小珍珠戒指给她。” 两天以后他们启程了，顺便去芒通①拜访了一位有钱的亲戚——哈罗德的亲表姐柯妮?比切姆，她70岁，同一位64岁的富勒顿小姐在伦敦合开一家昂贵的小型疗养所，但是在芒通的鲜花别墅度冬。凯瑟琳把她俩都看作她“天主教的表亲”。 三个人在圣雷莫的旅馆里住了几天，直到那位英国籍的经理，看上去像个囚犯的文思先生前来解释说，为了其他客人以及他们健康的缘故，希望他们离开，他自己有一个小别墅，坐落在距此三里远海岸边的一座小山上，女士们可以往那儿。于是凯瑟琳和埃拉被安置在卡西塔别墅（文思先生给了她们一支手枪），被告知马上就会接通自来水。默里10月2日启程回伦敦。凯瑟琳收到一张帐单，需支付房间消毒费用。在意大利，肺结核是必须申报的疾病，人们避之唯恐不及。 有好多天埃达都必须从泉水那儿提水上楼，她还必须学会使用木炭炉子，她的肌肉协调能力受到损害，两天之内——默里得知——她砸碎了“（1）大水果盆，（2）我们的盘子，（3）一些碟子，都是放在餐具柜上时一次打破的”。又过了两天，她砸碎了凯瑟琳的体温表。没关系——她们花6先令在圣雷莫重买了一个，“似乎能起同样的作用，虽然读数没那么清楚”。从卡西塔写的最初的信件，像过去刚到达某地后写的那些一样，语言机智，没有自怜自爱，充满对四周美景的描绘，例如下面这封10月1日的信：我租下这个小别墅度冬，也许还要长些，这儿很好，柯特连斯基，你会喜欢的。房子在一个荒山坡上，山上遍布橄榄树、无花果树、高高的野草和黄色的花朵，下面是大海——整个海洋一望无际，整天海浪轰鸣，拍打着石头，屋后是大山。别墅不太大，有一个大游廊，可以在那上面工作，还有一个簇叶丛生的花园，没有讨厌的里维埃拉棕榈（像意大利奸商一样），一切都简朴干净，花园墙壁上爬着许多壁虎；晚上，蝉摇动着它那小小的手鼓。 埃达过去从没有管过家务，也很少下厨，现在突然要用简陋的设备（用沙来擦锅子）来为一位苛求的病人准备一日三餐；一句意大利语也不懂，却要上街买东西；村里人都称她为“那个不点清找头的女人”。有一次她从圣雷莫回来（“一个非常滑稽的小店”），买了4盎司每磅10先令（相当于现在10美元）的黑市咖啡。是的，她说，花这么多钱买来这一小包似乎太少，“但是摸上去觉得沉甸甸的”。她打碎了一个玻璃罐子，“本来就很容易碎”，她不停地说，“让我慢慢来！我慢慢会学会的，凯蒂”，她的宝贝听了火冒三丈。她们开头确实请了一个女仆，但她走了，别人也不肯来，因为凯瑟琳①法国地名，位于塞纳河畔，西距巴黎约60公里。——译注患的是这种玻虫子也来侵扰她们，大虫，厉害的小虫，她们不知道用什么来对付。一天，埃达抓住了一只，学菩萨的样子，轻轻地把它放到窗外去。乞丐常常登门（门没有锁，锁匠也不会配），因此，凯瑟琳趁埃达不在时，拿着手枪跑到花园里去练习射击。夜间也常常门铃大作。 她的生日来了，又过去了，从彻迪和珍妮所在的纽福里斯①（比切姆把她们安顿在一所房子里）寄来了一个“普通的一英镑的小小火柴盒，镶着黄色珐琅，画了一个丑陋的中国人。”从她父亲那儿只来了一封信，但对生日只字未提，“因此我的热情都付之东流。我还以为我对劳工危机的观念值得5个英镑，但是不，玛丽②过生日他给了10镑，对我他不是太吝啬了吗？”不久以后写的信就显示她的幽默感不会持续整个冬天了。 别墅景色美妙，是愉快度日的好地方；凯瑟琳在信中描写了花朵、云彩和勾起她思乡情绪的大海，远处白色的虚无飘渺就是她想要在作品中表达的东西。然而冬天的气候，昂贵的物价，狡诈的意大利人，孤独以及除了“信天翁”③的叫声外的一片寂静（这只信天翁不再是奥特琳夫人的“罗得西亚大山④”，而是凯瑟琳曾经杀死过，现在正在杀她的人）——所有这些加上那个事实，又一次使她陷入忧郁之中（10月19日），“我要把这封信寄出去吗？ 还是另写一封！ 环饣犊煲恍┑模坎唬阌Ω妹靼祝谠洞β匦惺蛔乓恢恍〈坪醪豢啥惚埽此酪话愕某良牛?个小小的黑色斑点，就像肺上的斑点。 " 在伦敦，柯特好心地将她的情形告诉劳伦斯，“但愿虫子把凯咬死”，劳伦斯回答，而且他不是开玩笑。现在默里有理由为刊物的将来担忧了，J?C.斯奎尔辞去了《新政治家》的职务，准备创办《伦敦水星报》；《文学副刊》也在开始努力，这意味着在读者和撰稿者方面强有力的竞争，他不得不再一次加班加点工作，正是在这种情形下，凯瑟琳认真对待了评论维吉尼亚的《夜与昼》的工作。 接着家人又来打扰了，然而气氛之疏远，使人感觉不真实。凯瑟琳的父亲来芒通探望比切姆和富勒顿小姐，全体人员乘“摩托车”蜂拥而至，带她出去兜风，她对默里描述了一番，感到自己被这种奢侈惯坏了：皮衣、软垫、司机和通话器（她父亲通过它同司机用毛利语交谈），回到别墅，“信天翁”还是准备好了午饭，但是把洋葱切得乱七八糟，简直像“工人的一餐饭”，她觉得非常荒唐可笑。比切姆小姐拿起凯瑟琳的《牛津英语诗》，说：“这里面有些非常美的东西，是谁写的？”凯瑟琳装作没听见。 将要离开时，哈尔?比切姆拥抱了他女儿（很高兴见到她丈夫默里不在身边），说：“快好起来，小宝贝，你真像你母亲”。他为她采了一些雏菊，一枝兰花，用草扎在一起，给了她，他甚至还给她留下了5支“三炮台”香烟。 然后比切姆乘船回新西兰，因为害怕孤独，在到达后的第二天就同亡妻①英格兰汉普郡的一地名。——译注②彻迪在家的绰号。——原注③见柯勒律治的长诗《古舟子咏》.其中信天翁为船员引路，却被一船员杀死，后成为惩罚的象征。这儿指埃达。——译注④埃达曾在罗得西亚住过。——译注的密友劳拉?布赖特小姐结婚了，似乎没有给凯瑟琳生日礼物，也没有任何支票帮助支付费用，“我们从父亲那儿再拿不到一分钱，再也拿不到了，亲爱的”。显然说过一些什么话，凯瑟琳很快就觉得再也不能给父亲写信，不久就陷入长时期痛苦的沉默。 一个没有任何宗教信仰，只有31岁的人怎样才能接受死亡的迫近呢？任何人在31岁时该怎么做？一位具有才能，而且这种才能即将得到进一步发挥——得到充分发挥——的妇女如何对待一切都将不可能这一事实呢？如果年轻时曾经有过希望死亡的浪漫念头，追求过死亡，那又怎么样呢？会不会有愧疚心理和责怪别人的企图呢？ 奥特琳收到从汉姆斯特寄来的信，其中将埃达描绘成一个地道的“送葬的人”，凯瑟琳时常感到一阵阵可怕的沮丧，常常哭泣，她说（1919年2月）“如果村里举行花展，奖励最美的尸体，埃达肯定会获奖。这真好，但是我开始觉得每个男人或女人都有自己的谋杀者”。 也许还发生了什么事，使她觉得默里曾经希望这一切快点结束，他写的一首诗显然流露出他的想法。寄自卡西塔的一封信说到，“你觉得我已死了，写信也当我死了。埃达也总在做此准备。”其他的信件详细地记载着她兴奋和绝望交替的情绪变化。10月底，她对埃达的不满变成了狂怒，她诅咒埃达，当面称她为杀人犯，把东西扔在她身上，两天以后她写信告诉默里时，两人还不说话，埃达只好对面包说话（“让她吃个饱，吃个痛快”），此时两人才和解。然而她成为“缠在我颈上的信天翁”，有一封信甚至对她的相貌诅咒了一番：天哪，像我这样痛恨别人！今天我又有这种痛恨的感觉，你不知道什么是仇恨，因为我知道你从没有如此恨过任何人——不像你爱别人那样，而我却感到了。我最大最大的敌人今天又把我惹火了，一股盲目的仇恨力量完全压倒了我..她肥胖的大手，干扁的小乳房，婴儿似的嘴巴，下嘴唇永远是潮湿的，嘴角粘着一两粒面包屑或巧克力残渣——她两眼盯着我——紧盯着——等着我做些什么她可以学样。想想如果你得了肺病，又同这么一个仇敌住在一起，你会有什么感觉？ 凯瑟琳说这就是她一辈子都羡慕维吉尼亚的地方：“她同伦纳德在一起”。最坏的是同埃达一起她不能写作，她试过，但没有用。 于是，默里也成为这种肺结核病人怒火的牺牲者。此时他自己处境已十分困难，他劳累过度，又要为刊物的将来担忧。11月，《乔治派诗人》的第四集出版，所有战前的观念丝毫未改；西特维尔①的诗集《轮》也发表了，此时默里不得不表明他自己评论家的立常如同上次对待萨松，正直意味着冒险。《乔治派诗人》意义空洞，他一定会伤害自己欠了许多情分的、亲切可爱的埃迪?马什，然而1919年12月5日《雅典娜神庙》上发表的评论两书的文章却达到了他评论家事业的顶峰。 他断然宣称除了威尔弗雷德?欧文②外（德?拉?马尔、DH劳伦斯、WH①西特维尔（1887～1964），英国女诗人。——译注②威尔弗雷德?欧文（1893～1918），英国诗人，死于第一次世界大战的战场上，他的诗歌成就主要在于深刻表达了对战争的愤怒。——译注戴维斯也除外），在两部选集中都有一种“显然令人不适”的趣味，《乔治派诗人》是虚假的简朴，《轮》则是“技巧和感情贫乏的奇怪混合”。他问，此时英国诗作是否应该严肃认真。他的文章引起的后果是：乔治派诗集失去了它们原有的地位，默里成为“文学新潮流的代言人”——现在看来这种说法有些令人吃惊，但是当时艾略特尚未出名。埃迪?马什的确感到受了伤害。 然而不幸的是，正当默里评论家的才能得到巩固时，凯瑟琳却开始朝他发泄怒火了，其无情程度与劳伦斯不相上下，她忘了他工作过度疲劳，甚至也忘了曾提醒自己不要触动那个伤疤。当他的文章在伦敦发表时，她给他寄去了那些题为《新丈夫》的怀有怨恨的诗作，下面是诗的第一节，似乎指的是自己父亲最近的那次来访，非常不公平地将默里同他相比：有人来对我说忘了吧，忘了你新婚不久谁是你的男人，竟会让你在遥远的国度病寒交迫？ 谁是丈夫——谁是石头竟会让你这孩子一人孤独？ 实际上共有三首诗，但这一首最深地刺痛了他。诗是随信寄来的，信中还夹着一张字条，请他保留这几首诗，因为将来她要修改“发表”。这种行为也许同她月经周期荷尔蒙失调有关，可能1918年在洛尔时也是这种情形，那时她做了一些非常相似的事情：她“漫不经心”地寄给他一些必定——的确这肯定是她唯一的意图——会深深地伤害他的东西，她深知这一点。在波琳别墅那些平静美好的日子里写的《序曲》中也有这么一段话，其中琳达?本耐尔很想寄给她丈夫一个小包裹，里面装着她秘密的思想，她的仇恨，像她其他的思想一样真实，“她希望自己能够把它们裹在小包内，送给斯坦利——尤其是最后一个——她愿意看着他把包拆开”。 默里寄自伦敦的无可奈何、受了委屈的回信充满痛苦，他不会为自己辩护是出了名的，哪怕自己很有道理——这家伙不懂出言伤人——他把这件事弄得一塌糊涂，在他的信中用了那么多的“我”字，凯瑟琳读了以后把它们以及另一些偏重自我的词一一划了线。接着，他不顾别人的电报催促和邀请，动身去她那儿度圣诞节。在他到达的前一天，她在日记中写下了长长的一段话，认为这次的经历使她的绝望情结消失了，“我是一个死去了的女人，我不再在乎”。 她生病时还发生了一些事情！在高烧发作时，她幻想可以领养一个孩子；她的感情秘密转向柯特。有很短的一个时期，凯瑟琳几乎，用她自己的话来说，“发疯了，但是真的，发疯了，”而且还极端羡慕维吉尼亚：“在她的作品中总洋溢着自由自在，似乎她心里很平静——头上是自己的屋顶，身边是自己的财产，丈夫总在随叫随到的地方。” 既受欢迎，又不受欢迎的默里还是来了，虽然埃达声称她在默里来访的整个期间都将睡在凯瑟琳房间的沙发上，他们还是和解了，两人决定再也不分离——他们将住在伦敦，默里将去乡村找一所房子，“信天翁”必须离开——永远。1920年1月2日，默里带着一些花园里摘的无花果回伦敦去了。 结果还是只有写作才能拯救她，将她从旧日的悔恨中解脱出来。她一天之内完成了一篇重要的短篇小说，《没有脾气的男人》，将其寄给了默里。 别墅下面的大海“怒吼翻滚着”，她不能入睡，“我躺着回顾自己走过的道路——重温旧日的生活..”第二天，“信天翁”不再挂在她脖子上了，凯瑟琳给默里写信，完全收回了自己过去对埃达说过的一切，不再认为埃达是自己的谋杀者；仇恨消失了，“就像解除了一个诅咒一样”，取而代之的是某种积极的东西，“近似于喜欢她”。 梦魇过去了，她想让埃达分享这种宁静，“我想最近这些可怕的日子没有埃达，我就死了”，埃达也知道，她的自尊全都恢复了，她们必须取消在乡间租房的计划，她将去芒通，到张开双臂欢迎她的柯妮?比切姆和富勒顿小姐那去。富勒顿小姐为她在一个昂贵的疗养院赫米塔做了安排，于是在一连串意大利人的罢工事件中，他们离开了，花了很大一笔钱坐出租车越过边界，在最后那几天的一片混乱中，乞丐来讨饭，发现房门开着，偷走了凯瑟琳的大衣；但是关于她自己逃难的情形却是在一个“各方面都无与伦比的地方”写的——医生、女仆、按摩师以及“身穿白衣服的瑞士护士”。为她预备好了一张大书桌，上面放着刻花墨水瓶，还有一盒香烟。她们去鲜花别墅拜访，报告自己已平安到达，“那么，亲爱的凯瑟琳，花园是你的——你必须每天来同我们喝茶，如果你来此工作，看见我们就喊一声，我们会马上避开。”把这些对默里描述了一番以后，她说，“我在此有人作伴，有人照顾，我感到自己真地变成了另一个人——不同的眼睛，不同的头发”。 每星期要花5个基尼，她将写信给基先生要求透支一些，但是，《艺术与文学》①的主编弗兰克现在正向她索要短篇小说，己寄给他《没有脾气的男人》；出版商格兰特?理查甚至谈到要出她一本书，她确信自己能挣到所需的额外开支，可以偿还透支的钱，不管发生什么，她都会使银行帐目保持平衡。 ①伦敦一刊物。 —— Annotation