Chapter 35 Mourning Room Mrs. Huang Jingxian

The Fifth Series Missing Relatives and Home Letters Section 70 Mourning Room Mrs. Huang Jingxian (1) On the third day after my wife passed away, I concentrated my mind and wanted to write an article mourning the death.Because vernacular Chinese seems to be shallower, not as deep and heavy as classical Chinese, so I use classical Chinese to write.But the death is troubled by trivial matters, and classical Chinese is more troublesome, so now it is written in vernacular.I would like to give a rough account of my relationship with my wife and my wife's character first, so that I can share it with relatives and friends when the hanging is opened.

My wife's surname is Huang, and her original name Jing was given to her by her deceased elder brother), and she was engaged to me in the tenth year of the Republic of China.Her family is a member of the Beiping Han Army Banner.He married me when he was twenty-eight years old, on November 13th, the tenth year of the Republic of China.He died in Zouping, Shandong on August 20, twenty-four years.He was forty-two years old, and he followed me for fourteen years.I have tried to talk about the meaning of Chinese ethics in my essays. There are a few sayings: "People must kiss their loved ones. When people are happy with each other, the joy of the loved ones is amplified; when people are sad for each other, the sorrows of the loved ones are sad It does not hurt. Externally, it is in harmony with each other, and internally, it is in harmony with each other, and it resonates psychologically, and the spirit and form are comforted by each other. This is the so-called kinship." ("The Last Awakening of the Chinese National Self-help Movement") I am proud of Jingxian, and I have two more children. A child, the so-called family relationship, the joy of the family, the relationship between father and son, I know this taste quite well.Now that Jing Xian dies, the family seems to be broken, and the dear ones are lost suddenly, whew!How can I not be in pain!How can I not be in pain!

At first, in order to admire the principles of Buddhism, I ate a vegetarian diet and did not marry when I was nearly thirty.In the tenth year of the Republic of China, after giving a lecture on "Eastern and Eastern Cultures and Their Philosophy", he began to have an interest in family.My friend Mr. Wu Yongbo (Guan Qi) asked me about the conditions for choosing a wife.I replied: In terms of age, appearance, family background, and knowledge, I don't care at all. I hope to find a lenient and kind person.However, it seems difficult for me to be merciful and benevolent without super-common interest. People who have super-common charm but not enough courage will inevitably suffer themselves; therefore, those who are tolerant but have courage It's what I want.Naturally, this is not easy to come by. If someone has a talent similar to this, it doesn't matter even if he is illiterate.Mr. Wu had a happy face and said: Can you really do this thoroughly?If this is really possible, then the person I want to introduce now may be taken seriously.So he introduced his wife's younger sister to me—Jingxian.The first generation of the Huang family served as a military officer of the banner. After her father, eldest brother, and third brother passed away, the banner salary was gradually not paid in the Republic of China, and the family situation was very difficult.She doesn't have much opportunity to study, but she knows a few words.At the age of twenty-eight, I haven't made an appointment yet.I have always disliked Bannermen, and at that time expressed doubts about Mr. Wu.Mr. Wu said that she had no "flag habits". He knew very well that his relatives shared a small room together and saw each other day and night.I asked to meet again, to be friends first and then get engaged.Mr. Wu said that her family is conservative, so I'm afraid she can't do it.But Mr. Wu saw that I would not discuss it unless we met, so he finally managed to introduce me to meet him at his home.Her clothes and shoes are very out of fashion, and she looks like a man. Standing with her sister, Mrs. Wu, her color is the opposite of her sister.Where a woman can attract a man, she can say that she has nothing.Just after this haste, we got engaged.

The engagement is so easy, my own family members and relatives in general are surprised, but I have actually thought about it.My first thought: I probably won’t choose my own marriage from among the girlfriends I’ve made friends with, I will definitely rely on others to pay attention to me; there are many others who are eager to help me, from my own brothers and sisters to elders and relatives far and near, but it’s not as good as the teachers and friends who know each other. Eyes can match mine.I asked myself, if I really pay attention to the conditions of temperament endowment, I must trust my teachers and friends; what my friend Mr. Zhongwu said is especially worth considering.Second, I think: what Mr. Wu said is absolutely true to him, and I can believe it.If his observation ability is more than half reliable, then this woman is also very desirable.At the same time, I thought that if my late father was still alive, he would be happy with this.Because of my late father's temper, he always liked to bury people who were really worth something, and those who were unknown to the public, he was especially discerning and promoted; he wanted to suggest that I marry this woman, which can be guessed.The third thought came to me: When we met that day, Mr. Wu directly pointed out the proposal of marriage, but he hoped that we would get married immediately after the meeting, which is too abrupt for this woman.If the marriage does not become a reality, I feel sorry for her.So it was decided.

After getting married, I gradually felt that the bride did not meet my expectations.Between sisters-in-law and aunts-in-law or others, she still couldn't help getting angry over trivial matters. As for getting angry, she didn't have the generosity beyond ordinary people.And women's psychology of fashion and decoration seems to be unable to completely surpass the past, and they don't care about it.I gradually realized that my previous requirements were too involved in ideals. In fact, I had too little contact with women and lacked experience.Women are naturally narrow minded, and women naturally pay more attention to appearance (this theory will be explained in another chapter).I also realize that choosing a wife only pays attention to the natural side, not the acquired conditions, which is too biased; the acquired reading is learning, it is not impossible to expand the mind and change the temperament.And if I like to study and use my thoughts, but she reads too little, can't use her thoughts, and can't talk a lot. It shouldn't be that two people often don't talk about each other in terms of consciousness. Therefore, within ten years of marriage, each other Emotions are not very good.Generally speaking, she treats me in the same order, always cherishing and caring; in my feelings for her, my likes and dislikes rise and fall, and there are many changes;But it tends to be stable year by year.On the one hand, I gradually realized her strengths as a person over time, and on the other hand, I also corrected my own mistakes.Unexpectedly, as we get older, our love for each other will increase. The two or three years after the age of forty are the best times for our husband and wife.

Jingxian's personality, in my mind, seems to be described as "gang-shuang".The last thing she does is to be nice to others and to be courteous to others.She is very indifferent to everything that ordinary people desire; it seems that there is nothing she wants.In these two points, I am not as good as her in self-examination (that is, sometimes I can't help being courteous to others, and I can't help being greedy).It is also her strength to say what she says, to make up her mind without hesitation, to have judgment when encountering a situation, and to do what she says.She often hates me for repeating, what I say doesn't count, and when things happen, I don't make up my mind.I'm really the person who wanders the most.I often have no definite meaning in my chest, and I am thoughtful, able to see the pros and cons of the truth, and the different paths of the left and right. Sometimes I tend to lean towards this, and sometimes I tend to lean towards that. Sincerity is inevitable.This crispness and hesitation have almost become the crux of every conflict we have in more than ten years.But Jingxian's sharpness is cute after all!Associated with Gangshuang are the benefits of integrity, less crookedness, frankness, cleanliness, faithfulness and faith; I am always ashamed to be inferior.

The Fifth Series Missing Relatives and Home Letters Section 71 Mourning Room Mrs. Huang Jingxian (2) Although I have been praised and rewarded by many friends, many people who have never met or are not familiar with me overestimate how great my personality is; but at home, my wife does not think me very high.She saw that I seemed to be a person who had exaggerated ambitions and was not very down-to-earth; although I had a heart for kindness, my heart for kindness was not strong after all.She often criticizes my faults. Apart from the above-mentioned points, which are easy to repeat, there are probably three points that are often mentioned.One point is that I speak too boastfully, think too highly of myself, and have too much self-confidence, and she strongly opposes it.One thinks that there is no reason to admit it; the other thinks that it is not very good for personal virtue.One thing is that I am not really honest in my dealings with others, but it is generally like honesty.Another point is that I will never admit my mistakes. I will not turn back when I hit a wall, and I will be stubborn and refuse to listen to others.It's not wrong for her to accuse me.Saying that I am not really honest can sometimes convince me.Only exaggeration and stubbornness, although I can't deny it, but helplessly these two points seem to be the elements in my life! (I believe this is a fraud that comes from my strengths.) From her critical attitude towards me, I can see that although she does not read much, she has a realm of justice in her chest; although she is a woman, she has extraordinary spirit.In particular, she said that I was not really loyal, and Xiang Shanxin was not strong, which made me fearful.

Our relationship improved and stabilized when I recognized her strengths and affirmed her personality value.There were times when we were very good, but it seemed to come from the mutual needs of the two sexes, and other good feelings that came from mutual support and care; but there is always a factor that makes us bad, so it is always unstable.The reason for this is that I have not discovered her personality value, and my consciousness is slightly dissatisfied, and sometimes I feel envious when I see the opposite sex next to me.Her goodness is innate and does not come from learning; but those who are not educated cannot understand her goodness.A few years ago, I didn't have the vision I have today; and in the first few years of marriage, men and women had a lot of sexual desires, and there were many household chores, and all kinds of trivial stimuli and worries covered my eyes; I also regretted not paying attention to the acquired conditions when choosing a marriage. It's not a small obstacle.When the concealment faded away, I also improved a little bit. I nodded secretly to her personality value and felt satisfied. Instead, I felt that she was the only one worthy to be my wife. It seemed as if they were all gone, and her psychology had returned to pure, only a kind heart towards her, very pure.At this time, she felt that I treated her differently. She cried bitterly once (like in the 21st or 22nd year of the Republic of China), and blamed me for treating her wrongly.I am really ashamed and apologetic here!If she is not dead, I can still redeem; if she is dead, how can I redeem!Alas!

So the last two years have been our best time; maybe the best time has been a sign of separation.However, how can I not be hurt when we are separated at the best time!Alas!God! Her death this time is also because I feel sorry for her.From the winter of the 19th year of the Republic of China to the spring of the 20th year of the Republic of China, after two consecutive miscarriages, she was extremely weak. She once said that she would not give birth again, and I agreed, so she did not conceive for more than three years.Unexpectedly, my health got better last year, so I was careless.I joked: We have two boys, which is enough; but I hope to have a little daughter to serve me when I am old.So there is this pregnancy.Pregnancy is dystocia. Western medicine says it is "placenta previa". The most difficult thing to do is to die.Alas!Isn't it my fault!

In addition to the apologies mentioned above, my biggest apology is that I have not been able to teach her a little bit of training for more than ten years because of her natural good quality.The days are gone!Good texture is wasted!This is really how I can't stand her! I turned around and thought, in terms of the relationship between the two of us arranged by the sky, perhaps Xu Jingxian was purely in a sacrificial position to fulfill me!The first thing she helped me was that she didn’t come to my house until I was nearly 30 years old, and gave me a lot of opportunities to make efforts in thinking (it doesn’t need to be much, if I got married three or five years earlier, “Eastern and Eastern Cultures and Their Philosophy” may not be successful. ).The fourteen years of marriage have enabled me to understand and appreciate life.And from her diligence and thrift, I was able to live a very simple life, so that I can advance and retreat freely in society, without asking for money to support my family, and concentrate on my social movement.At a time when China's problems are extremely serious, she left me early, giving me a clean body and allowing me to use all my energy to deal with the overall situation and serve the society. ——I will never remarry in the future, not to commemorate her kindness, to show my loyalty; but to not waste the opportunity she left for me.I will have the chance to change my life.Therefore, in the future, I will work hard for the society, and I will make all my friends and friends know that this is due to the perfection of my Jingxian.This may be the way for me to seek redemption in the midst of being extremely sorry for Jingxian!