Chapter 6 prickly heat on father's back

When I was five years old, I already slept in separate beds with my parents, but at that time I was not only able to dream, but also often had nightmares.The content of the dream is often remembered when waking up, so after waking up, I jumped out of bed, ran barefoot to my parents' bed, and squeezed together to sleep together.In the first few times, the parents who were awakened by me not only scolded me like chasing a kitten, but my father also sighed and carried me back to my little bed.Later, this happened repeatedly, and my parents were so tired that they didn't even have the strength to scold me, so they had to turn over in a half-awake state very unhappy, and accommodated me.But I, even though squeezed into my parents' bed, was still full of terror in my heart.So I often put my body, especially my little face, close to my father's back, and finally got a solid sense of security before I fell asleep. 

What kind of nightmares did I have? It is still in my memory, and it is generally some scenes of being abducted by "Taihuazi". At that time, most of what my mother and the woman next door who came to my house to borrow things and do household chores was meaningless to me, and it was impossible to leave any impression on me.But all the rumors they told about "patting Hanako" abducting children always seemed to suddenly open the floodgates of my ears-even though I might have been playing with clay and listening to some big geese in the yard They said, "Pat Hanako" would suddenly walk up to the child when a child like me would not listen to the adults and sneak out of the yard to watch the excitement, and slap the child on the head, and the child would die Can't hear or see anything.I can only hear "Pai Huazi" say: "Go, go, follow me, follow me..." I can only see the narrow road behind "Pai Huazi", so I followed it stupidly. "Pat Hanako" left.Of course, I will never see my parents again, and I will never go home again... These words are embedded in my little head, making me terribly scared.In particular, whenever I look at my mother and the others at this time, I will find that they are also looking at me. The eyes of the mother are nothing, but the eyes of the female neighbor make me feel as if She has already seen "Pai Huazi" patting me. I often cry with my mouth twisted, and wipe my tears with muddy hands, and my mother is so anxious that she grabs my hand... 

After waking up from all kinds of dreams about "patting Hanako" filming me—one more bizarre and terrifying than the other—, I went straight to my parents, and habitually put my face and body close to my father's back, curled up together The lump quickly caused a large patch of prickly heat to appear on my father's back, and it was hopeless to disappear.At first, my father just stretched out his hand to scratch the itch irritably after getting up, but he couldn't scratch it, so he scratched vigorously with "Old Man Music".But at that time, my father was only in his forties, not old, and he didn't take pleasure in it. Of course, he soon discovered the source of the prickly heat.However, in my memory, my father was not angry because of this, let alone beat me.I just remember that he had a rather funny expression on me and said, "Hey, hey, it's your fault!" My mother didn't seem to care much about it, and I remember throwing prickly heat powder on my father's back, and couldn't help laughing Said: "Look, you see, he is such a small child, he started dreaming guns!" What dreams have you had. 

Freud, of course, is great, but his statements about how sons have "Oedipus complex" and "father-killing complex" subconsciousness are really inconsistent with my personal experience.Especially the emotional memory of my father, the most profound is that I was protected by his back when I was extremely terrified, and caused him a long-term unbearable prickly heat, and he did not punish me for it.It's too late for me to be grateful, how could I have the heart of "killing my father"? My father's back was not so broad and strong. When I recall it now, I don't have richer associations. For example, how he used his "invisible back" later, Give me care and strength and more.What's more, the situation was just the opposite. After he was over fifty years old, although his affection for my parent and child remained the same, he didn't bother to ask about my studies, future, whereabouts and other major issues, or even let him go.I remember when I was in middle school, the class teacher came to see the parents, he said hello, and then read the newspaper by himself. After my mother talked with the class teacher, she told him that the teacher was leaving, and he stood up and nodded to see off the guests.At this time, the name of our school was mentioned in the teacher's words, and he blurted out: "Why, does Xinwu go to No. 21 Middle School?" Give him the report card, he glanced at it hastily, not interested in good or bad.It is said that when my elder brother was young, he often spanked his butt because of poor grades, and the spanking was very serious.My mother later told me that my father was "tired" (tired) of taking care of the children, so when he came to me as the fifth child, he let it go and handed over all the power to my mother. In 1960, my father was transferred by the Ministry of Trade to teach in a military academy, and he and his mother went to Zhangjiakou.At that time, my elder brother was away from home, my elder sister was married, and I was still in school, but my father handed over all the dormitories in Beijing and asked me to live on campus, but did not give me a room—at that time, the Ministry of Trade could reserve a room for family members. Yes, and those who were transferred at the same time left rooms for their family members.But my father felt that I should live on campus and be completely independent. At that time, I was not yet 18 years old. 

My father passed away at the age of 73 (my mother was at the age of 84), and his back, which I once covered with prickly heat, naturally turned into ashes like other parts of his body.My father was not a celebrity, and he never really developed in his life. Compared with the experience of many intellectuals, his ups and downs are far from enough to make people feel breathless. Almost all of his peers and friends have passed away. What we can remember now is ours. Four children (the eldest brother died before him).But my memories of him are more and more focused on the prickly heat on his back because of me.In the long history of human beings, among countless vigorous and thrilling events in the world, is this memory of the red and bulging prickly heat on my father's back extremely humble, trivial, and overly private? No, I Don't look at it that way.In this quiet autumn night, I recalled the prickly heat on my father's back, and I thought of a great topic, which is often neglected by us, that is fatherly love.We pour out too many words about mother's love, and even say: "Only mother is good in the world!" In fact, only mother's love, the heart of the Son of Man can never be sound.The world and human beings must have the same strong paternal love as motherly love. I mean the most primitive kind of paternal love, not mentioning upbringing and teaching, nurturing and personality influence. 

The so-called "Yin flourishes and Yang declines" is what people nowadays often sigh about the state of our Chinese sports competitions. In fact, in terms of the externalization of maternal love and paternal love, the degree of bragging, research and discussion, especially the internal self-consciousness and intensity , We also seem to be "Yin flourishes and Yang declines".It should also be one of the compulsory courses for Chinese men to enhance their masculinity and intensify their paternal love! I am now over fifty years old, much older than my father when he had prickly heat on his back.My son is already very old, so I ask myself, I have the most original fatherly love for my son.I often realize that, anyway, he and

I have a fateful chain relationship that can never be shaken off—he is the joint work of one sperm of mine and one egg of his mother.In his genes, there is my inheritance, I can't help but give him a special feeling, and hope that this feeling can pass through our lives, through the world, and through our intergenerational conflicts (that will definitely happen), It is fused into the cause and effect that makes the whole human being continue.  Until this quiet autumn night, I haven’t told my son about the prickly heat on my father’s back, so I won’t, since I wrote this article.My son doesn't read my articles now, although he's secretly proud that I make a living writing them.My son said, don’t worry, my book is on the shelf. One day, he will sit down and read my book specifically. I hope he will find this article in this book.At that time, maybe he already has a son or a daughter of his own, and there will be a tenderness in his heart, and he will think: You see, my father has received it from my grandfather, I have received it from my father, and I will give to my child, It is a very simple and original thing, a natural emotional magnetic field, and this chain-like continuous "magnetization" is also eternal.