Chapter 9 7 Mountain Dwelling (1961-1962, 26 to 27 years old)

When I was about to leave the army, I had to pay attention to where I would go after I left the army. I wanted to go to my alma mater, Taichung No. 1 Middle School, to seek a teaching job, but because of insufficient interpersonal relationships, I couldn't even be a middle school teacher.When I was worrying, on December 11, 1960, I received a letter from Xiao Qiqing, saying: "Old Yao talked to me yesterday about getting you to be his assistant, and he asked me to tell you that the official title is 'National Lecture Research Assistant'. You can receive one thousand yuan a month, and there is no ration outside. He wants to borrow from you, but I don't know if you are willing." I wrote back and said: "A few days ago, I returned to Zhongmou to teach, but I returned. The position of 'assistant' is not something I don't want to do at this time, because I am afraid that I will disappoint the good intentions of the old man. I am worried whether my patience and ability can work with him? Will it help him? Otherwise, it would be too embarrassing to get a dry salary. "Although I had such scruples, I finally "agreed" because I didn't agree, so I would have nothing to eat after leaving the army.

On the morning of February 6, 1961, I ended my military career and returned to Kaohsiung on a warship from Penghu, and arrived in Taichung immediately. On the 15th, I went north and temporarily lived in the fourth room of the first dormitory of National Taiwan University at No. 73 Wenzhou Street. I was determined to find a small room as a place where I could be quiet.Over the years, I have never had the opportunity to have a room alone. This time I am going north, I must fulfill this wish.Two days later, I rented a hut in the alley at No. 1, Lane 60, Section 3, Xinsheng South Road. It was only four tatami mats in size and too short to raise my hands. I named it "Four Seats Hut".Li Shanpei lived next door. We bought a radio together, got a record player, and dug a hole in the wooden compartment.Put the radio and record player in the hole, and either of them can use it. The "four-seat hut" is just one of the back alleys. There are more than ten huts in the back alley, door to door, like a "paradise in the army".The first room at the entrance of the alley was rented by a 101-kilogram fat overseas Chinese student. There was a small electric fan in his room, which I envied the most because I couldn't afford it.It was a big day for me to move into the Four Seats Lodge, which was February 17, 1961.The monthly rent for the hut is 220 yuan, which was lent to me by Li Shizhen.The next day, I have a diary as follows:

At night, I read and write while tidying up in the hut, lying on the big table, and lighting a hundred lamps.Listen to the light rain outside, Thinking of running around for many years, I had a short chat tonight, and I was so excited that I urinated three times. The "Four Seats House" opens the door to a back alley, and when you exit the alley, you will find National Taiwan University.It was the season of warm spring and flowers blooming at National Taiwan University. When I walked back, I felt that things were right and wrong.Old friends and lovers from the past have all gone far and wide.Walking out of teacher Yao Congwu's research room at night, the entire building of the Faculty of Arts was pitch black. Thinking of my life experience and ambitions, I couldn't help but sigh.Sometimes, the two lines of Chen Baochen's poem come out of my mouth, which are exactly:

It's hard to find a pure land after a lot of sloughing, The saddest thing is near tall buildings! At that time, the salary of the assistant was delayed. When I went to the north, my mother gave me 200 yuan, and my third sister gave me a train ticket. Besides, I had to borrow money to make ends meet, which was extremely embarrassing.At that time, Shi Ke was teaching Chinese in Chenggong Middle School. He said that the Chinese teachers were too lazy to change the notebooks, and he was willing to contract them out at the price of one yuan a copy.In the diary, I have this paragraph: Ke sent the composition texts, Mr. Zhang Shuwan's first class, 50 copies, took one breath and corrected 20 copies within an hour, earning 20 yuan.

The title of the composition is "My Ideal". A little bastard (Qiu Tingguang, the third grader in junior high school) wrote: "Some people have great ideals, but they can't implement them, which is the same as having no ideals. My ideals are not big. "China" revived..." I commented on it: "This ideal is not small." Seeing this, Shanpei laughed. One day, I only had a meal ticket for one meal. I took it in my hand and gave it to Li Shanpei. I pretended that I had eaten it, which made me hungry.People are so poor that they have no choice but to rush to write articles and publish them, relying on the royalties for emergencies.So, from March to April, I wrote articles such as "Charging Officials", "The Monologue of a Single Man", "The Executioner of Love", "On Miss China", and published them in "China Daily" and "United Daily News". ", "Human World" magazine, etc., to talk about financial resources.At that time, Liu Fenghan published an article in the "Journal of Young Lions", and the manuscript fee was very good. He said he could introduce me to contribute, but I refused because I hated Chiang Ching-kuo's National Salvation Corps, and of course I hated its publications.

Not only did I work hard on writing, but I also studied hard, and suddenly I became nervous and wanted to learn French and German at the same time.He joined a cram school and learned French every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and German on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.After a while, someone asked Shi Ke: "Is Li Ao better in French or German?" Shi Ke said, "That depends on the day of the week you ask him." For the sake of succession. Although the "Four Seats Cabin" is good, there are mice running on the ceiling every night, which is a fly in the ointment; during the day, because of its location in a strategic location, there are constant guests every day, at most there are fourteen guests a day, and the surrounding environment is too noisy.There are a lot of old women, young mistresses, and children.Although I was in a back alley, I was "unbearable to be disturbed" first.After four months, I decided to go to the countryside.After choosing and choosing, I chose a small room in the new store, facing the mountains and facing the water, at two hundred yuan a month, so I filled a truckload of books and moved to my new home on June 15.The new home is No. 16, Shitou Road, Xindian, and I named it "Bitanshanlou".The so-called mountain building is actually very simple, not only through the back alleys, but also through the stinky vegetable farm and the stinky river ditch. The house is just a small room with five tatami mats, but it is made of steel and concrete. There are no rats running on the head. quick.Another advantage is that there is a bathtub that can be shared with the second landlord, Tao Subao's family.I wander among the mountains and rivers alone, or go boating in Bitan at night, or watch a cheap movie, and I enjoy the joy of loneliness.The sign I hang on the door is:

Maybe boating, watching a movie, or eating, but not leaving the new store anyway.It can be seen that the years of my Xindian mountain residence are evident. Diary on July 5th: a rich working day, writing four letters, sending cards to Hu (Hu Shi), reading "Samurai Demon Empress" to be put on the shelf, changing a hundred compositions, receiving guests late, Jing (Jing Xinhan) Gu (Chen Guying), Wu Dazhong (Original note: I haven’t seen each other in nine years!) and Shaojie (Zhang Shaojie). They belonged to me at eleven o’clock and wrote 5,000 words in six hours. On July 11th, I wrote "Small Verses of Life": The night is as cool as water, the lights are bright, the small room is alone, I smoke and drink tea, I can't think of a single thought, my mind is calm, I read quietly, Hao (changing the word "you" is also good) Forget it. On July 12th, I wrote "The First Trial of a Female Scoundrel": In the afternoon, I finished my registration at the research institute and was about to get on the bus. Bao Jialin and other five maids suddenly invited me out of nowhere, saying that they would treat me to ice cream. "Shadows" such as plain glasses, utterances in the army, women in hats, lettering and scolding "Shagang", covering diaries for others...there are too many to count. Su, villain theory, dog's eyes look at people as inferior, he said nothing, and he said peeking at Lao Yao's diary, etc., which made Xiao Bao Jialin laugh many times with a handkerchief covering his mouth, really happy. ...

On July 22, I wrote "Thoughts on Returning from the Water Fight": Today is the weekend, I read it, and it tells about a little boy's love for Brandy Lee.In the afternoon, I will practice cement and stone pits. I did it yesterday, and the cost is 19 yuan. I must develop a great physique.Four tomatoes for dinner.Going back from the boat alone, the three men and the three maids were already present, and they went rowing again. There was a big water battle. Newspapers reported that overseas students returned to Taiwan after "studying", Wang Qiyun sang, and Ma Ge's "rebellion", Hua Jun's desire to fly, and they said that overseas students were chasing Mo Yichun. "United Daily News" returned my manuscript again... It seems that everything can arouse my little feelings. After thinking about it, there is only one kind of feeling, that is, no matter how others change, no matter how others look at me, I don't mind. Don't be depressed, I am Li Ao, I am Li Ao, I hate being a philistine, I hate being passive, I hate walking the path taken by these young men and women, "fate" destined me to walk my path, and Shanju's independence is just a starting point, I I am glad that after twenty-six years of "being led by foreign objects", I can start to walk on the path I really should take. I cannot but be happy. Of course, there is a considerable proportion of loneliness and sighing in this kind of happiness. , but what does it matter?I am so superstitious about myself!Superstitious about my own path!When I saw Chen Qilong and his girlfriend.Seeing the little girl's white knees, thinking of Bao Jialin's fair and smart figure...

Maybe I also had a little "seeking heart", but these "delusions" were quickly dispelled by my superstition about "big decisions".I looked at the good cigarettes and tea that Shanpei gave me, and thought that I was no longer a warm and affectionate person. Maybe I became more and more rational and cold, indifferent to people, and I couldn't help it Only rational solitude can save me, and I have drawn a gap between myself and these young people. This is a road that no one is willing to go and no one can walk well, but I walked, it gave Eternal security and achievement, these three consolations are beyond the reach of anyone with too much desire and too much heart.

I will not write more after this feeling, and I will use "starting research on a small topic that is irrelevant" to amuse myself. I wrote "Small Notes After Illness" on July 29: I watched the moonrise alone last night, and suddenly suffered from nausea. In the afternoon, Xinhan got a power call and came here in a panic. Ma Ge also came here "hiding his joy".Both of them have an appointment tonight, and they will go happily with the little lady.Preparing for exams is extremely tiresome, and I will no longer devote myself to it in this life. There is another mahjong table outside Ye Lai's room, and Tao Li (the second landlord's little boy) goes to sleep, feeling peaceful.I can't answer my self-question, I can't deny the meaning of women and life, theoretically I can't justify myself, but in practice, I can at least "live like this", although there is no woman, but I can still live very prosperously, technology Since there is no difficulty in online reading, I actually like the sentence of "Chairman" (Meng Dazhong), "Why do you want to be so happy?" This sentence really has its weight, not to mention that in order to obtain a woman's body, the price of unhappiness is not memory Is it still new?Oh, forget it, forget it, let's live alone. "Why are you so happy?"

In the past few days, I have repeatedly expressed the meaning of disgust (disgust of warmth), which is a great harvest (harvest). Those who are sad are indifferent; I want to go away for fear that it will not be exhausted and firm, so I hate it. On July 31, I wrote "There is nothing vulgar in the world": The release of the results of the study abroad exam has aroused my feelings. I feel that I have taken a step forward in contemplating life. It seems that the road I am walking is getting farther and farther away from them .My thinking is obviously quite out of the world now, and I feel that "many things are blind, and many words are not worth saying", so I obviously chose the path of liking to be alone and not talking too much, and I can't exert myself to be enthusiastic about human affairs , I am a villain after all, I can no longer be sure of worldly glory and prosperity, a person who has reached my level will no longer feel lonely, I am not afraid of loneliness, I am not afraid of isolation. Thinking of death and prison, often thinking of death and prison, why don't I do what I like to do?I should laugh at the "dust net", I am one of the useless "abandoned people" who have been missed in the "dust net".I suddenly found that I was an out-and-out cynic. I couldn’t find any difference in the direction I was going from Diogenes except that I was not in the barrel. To follow the path, to do something spiritual, to speak some refined words, to write a few articles that truly belong to Li Ao, to end up this stubborn life with no encumbrances, isn’t it a pleasure? On August 17th, I wrote "Lizhen's Birthday Testimonials": Sending off Youliang, it's already afternoon, thinking quietly behind closed doors, looking at the iron bars outside the window.Like being in prison.It's Qiqiao, Lizhen's lunar birthday is coming again, I decided to say nothing, and I gave up the last chance.On the 11th in Taichung, it was even heard that Chen Qi and Zhang Zhonglin got married. In Taipei, Xinhan seems to have a happy relationship. Shanpei, Feifei (Li Hongfei) and even Huajun Fangyin (Liang Fangyin) are also taking group actions. The exchanges in Huaqiao Xincun are busy. Yesterday they asked me to eat, I refused, maybe I have since lost the opportunity to contact Ms. Wang. My breath is so determined, I am willing to plunge myself into solitude, cabins, fantasies and work, I don't rely too much on theory, I only believe in "there is no difficulty in practice", I believe this, so I give up almost without scruples Plenty of "pleasure" (of some kind, perhaps natural, but unfortunately expensive and short-lived). Just now a little woman in a bathrobe outside the window immediately aroused my erection.Perhaps my strong desire is too incompatible with the path of "medieval quietism" I took, but at least for now, I have no intention of turning back.When I moved two months ago, some of them said that I would move back to Taipei in one month, and some said that it would be two months. Now it has been two months, and I am still living a "cultivating" life in the new store with great fanfare! I am changing, successfully changing, Li Ao in the past will not know who I am today, I can't help but marvel at my ability, after all, I have trained me to become the person I want to become, and I don't want to regret it! These diaries above all record my state of mind when I lived in Xindian Mountain. I encouraged myself to lead a Diogenes-style "cynicism" life, striving for self-improvement, but I tended to keep friends, especially with women. It has never been able to escape from the contradictions and difficulties of the monastery.This kind of monastic self-discipline can't stand trials.Therefore, once a beautiful woman appears in front of my eyes and is easy to be with, my metaphysics is still Dijieanis, but physically I am not Dijieanis anymore.This beauty is Wang Shangqin.She is a fourth-year student in the Department of Agricultural Economics of National Taiwan University. Although I knew her brother and sister, I did not meet her by chance until February 24, 1962, on the bus of the "Academia Sinica".I asked her to come to "Bitan Mountain Tower" once, and she was the only woman who was alone with me during the nine and a half months of my Xindian mountain residence. On March 29 of this year, I moved back to Taipei. The house and simple furniture of "Bitan Mountain Tower" were all transferred to Chen Guying. Xindian Shanju gave me many new experiences since I left the army, for example, I was finally close to nature (Bitan was not polluted at that time).For example, I finally slept on a plank bed (I slept on a camp bed in the "Four Seat Hut"), for example, I finally got admitted to the graduate school (in order to avoid the "Luo" test institute two years ago, I did not sign up). ...Although there are many new experiences in Xindian Shanju, one old experience is still unresolved, that is, poverty.When I was working as an assistant to the Taiwan Long-term Development Science Committee for Teacher Yao Congwu, because the committee was established not long ago, everything was not fully on track, and some regulations were not ideal.It takes a while to delay the payment of assistant staff, which is an example.I was hurt by it, I couldn't bear it anymore, and decided not to embarrass Teacher Yao Congwu, and directly "reached the sky". ——I wrote to my teacher’s teacher, Hu Shi, on October 6 to protest to him.Because he is the head of this committee.I wrote: Our assistants are different from research professors and gentlemen receiving A and B subsidies. They have the basic salary of professors and lecturers, and the subsidy money is "stability payment" for them. ", but our "assistant level" is different. The impact of paying our salary a few days earlier or later is incomparable to theirs. The only one thousand yuan per month is our basic salary. It has been delayed, it is a kind of irony to the word "full-time", and it makes me feel embarrassed to borrow money from Mr. Yao again, so I have three pairs of trousers in the pawn shop, and I have to complain to you in the end. I don't know whether it's a loophole in the system or a conspiracy by people. To put it selfishly, I just don't want the "three noes" to happen on top of my head. After Hu Shi received the letter, he sent it to my Xindian Shanju on the 7th. He wrote: Mr. Li Ao: Ever since I received your long letter on July 4th and that big box of cards, I always wanted to write to invite you to come to Nangang to have fun and read some of my manuscripts. Let's find him." Later, I saw the news in the newspaper that you had passed the graduate school, and I was busy again at that time, and I haven't invited you to play yet.After the "Double Ten Festival", you come to have fun, okay?Now I am sending you a check for 1,000 yuan, which is for your "redemption" emergency.You must never refuse, just as you have given me many hard-to-get books, and I have never refused. I have forwarded your letter to Mr. Xu Gongqi, Executive Secretary of the Science Society.He said he must try to remedy it.Wish you well! Hu Shi on the night of October 7, 1961 This check can be drawn at Taipei Guanqian Street Land Bank. After I received Hu Shi's letter and one thousand yuan, I was very happy and moved.Hu Shi is my father's teacher, although he has long forgotten my father's name.His appreciation of me was purely based on the fact that my academic performance surprised him. He had the vision to see that I was the most potential student in Taiwan. I am very grateful for his special care for me. This thousand yuan really helped me very busy.Some people may make sarcastic remarks, saying that Hu Shi's move is intended to buy people's hearts.But what the old man did was beneficial to others and harmless to himself (except for the loss of one thousand yuan), so why not do it?Would any other old gentleman, high above him, help a young man like this?By comparison, you will know that Hu Shi is superior to others. In order to save my life, I had no choice but to use the one thousand yuan sent by Hu Shi.But I decided not to use the thousand yuan as a gift, but only as a loan. I decided to borrow it for a while and then return the money to him. I wrote back to Hu Shi on October 10, expressing my gratitude to him.The letter detailed some life experience of "Mr. Li Ao", including my relationship with Yan Qiao, and after Yan Qiao was arrested and died, how I was influenced by Hu Shi's liberalism, and thus gained a new realm of thought .The letter was very long, five thousand words long, and very moving.I heard that Hu Shi was deeply moved after receiving the letter.He showed it to several people, and it was a coincidence that when Ye Mingxun and Huayan and his wife went to Nangang to visit him on October 28, he took out the letter again, so it was out of the couple's mouth.I got a shocking news - Yan Qiao is not dead, he is still alive, not only alive, but has been released from prison! On the morning of November 11, Mr. Yao Congwu took out a letter from his purse in the research room and handed it to me face to face.The full text of the letter is: Mr. Li Ao: There is good news for you.Ms. Yan Tingyun (author of "Zhi Zong's Lamp") and her husband Mr. Ye Mingxun came to see me yesterday.They said that Yan Qiao has regained his freedom and is now teaching at the private Yuying Middle School in Taipei.He drank too much and his health was affected. I hope this news can give you some comfort. Hu Shi on the night of October 29, 1961 Hu Shi wrote on the envelope, "I beg Mr. Yao Congwu and hand it over to Mr. Li Ao." He didn't post the letter, obviously because he was afraid of being inspected by the Kuomintang post office and it would be inconvenient for me.He is really a careful person, so careful that he does not show his traces, he is so old and touching! It's great that Yan Qiao is not dead. Through Huayan, I got Yan Qiao's address, and I decided to visit him that afternoon.Seeing his feelings, I wrote a letter to Hu Shi, mentioning seeing Yan Qiao again, saying: "Seven years later, he is really old, there are no wrinkles on his face, white hair on his head, or the smell of alcohol in his mouth. It can be proved that he is a forty-two-year-old man!" This is all true.Yan Qiao lived in an old Japanese-style bungalow in a back alley on Xinsheng North Road at that time. When I walked into the entrance, he called my name, ran over, hugged me, and shed tears.Everything has changed, except for his piercing eyes and the wine bottle in his hand, really everything has changed.He never talked about what happened on Huoshao Island. He just shook his head and said painfully: "It's not good! It's not good! You must not go there!" That day was November 1, 1961, and I was there On the same day that "Wenxing" magazine published "The Old Man and the Stick", I took a copy with me. He sat on the old rattan chair, read my article carefully, checked several paragraphs of my translation, and praised him. I translate well.Finally he put down the book and said to me seriously: "I really don't want you to keep writing like this, if you keep writing like this, you will go to that place sooner or later!" Yan Qiao recalled that after he was arrested, he was very worried that something would happen to me.He judged that the letter I wrote to him must have been searched at the same time. That letter was dissatisfied with reality and attacked the Kuomintang, which might cause me trouble.Yan Qiao said that he was imprisoned for five years, and he thought he was blessed by Yan Fu's grandson and other reasons, and finally received a lighter sentence than others.I thought so too.Later, before and after I was imprisoned, I heard that it was Shi Yuwei, commissioner of the Investigation Bureau, who undertook the case of Yan Qiao. Shi Yuwei had undertaken countless "bandit spy cases", but he himself was finally regarded as a "bandit spy" by the Kuomintang and sentenced to death three times. , and finally put to death.Before he died, he knelt on the execution ground behind the Xindian Air Force Cemetery, wailed to the sky, and said: "Mr. (referring to Chiang Kai-shek), I can't follow you back to the mainland!" The superiors will inevitably play tricks to excuse comrades. This may be the reason why Yan Qiao was given a light sentence, right? Yan Qiao told me the other day that after he was arrested, Mrs. Yan went north to visit her relatives and experienced the coldness and warmth in the world.Gu Zhenfu and the others literally closed the door of the house, and they did not give any help to Mrs. Yan and the three children.Mrs. Yan had no choice but to send the eldest and the second child to the orphanage for the survival of the whole family, and the third child to be fostered by others, (there is no other way to ask "orphan"!) to run to be a maid by herself (maid - editor's note)— —And it is for foreigners to be daughters. Chinese people dare not ask "the wife of a spy" to be their daughters! Hu Shi reported Yan Qiao's letter to me, and Teacher Yao Congwu forwarded it on his behalf, because they were teachers and students, and Teacher Yao Congwu happened to be a teacher and student to me. In 1958, when Hu Shi came to Taiwan, it was Teacher Yao Congwu who took the initiative to arrange for me to meet Hu Shi.Although there are many teachers in the history department, the one who has the deepest relationship with me is not other teachers, but him.Mr. Yao Congwu once served as the head of the History Department of Peking University.President of Henan University.He is not good at eloquence. When he speaks, he first opens his thick lips, moves his jaw wildly, rolls his teeth all over his mouth, and then pronounces it. I thought to myself that light is faster than sound in physics, so this is what it means.His voice is full of vigor, an authentic Henan bass, combined with his thick and simple appearance, he looks like an old farmer in the Central Plains.He wears two kinds of clothes in winter, one is a gray suit jacket, which is too big, and it is a second-hand item bought from the clothing market; Between the socks, there is always a part of the calf exposed.It may be strange to say that Mr. Yao Congwu taught me "History of Liao, Jin and Yuan Dynasties" in my sophomore year (he gave me 86 points in the last semester and 88 points in the next semester); 4 points, 86 points in the next semester); the senior year guided me to write a "thesis" (94 points), but I always feel that his influence on me is extremely limited in terms of learning.Especially when I was writing a thesis in my senior year, he really had no guidance for me (in order to run to the library, he wrote me a lot of business cards).I dare say that he has no research on my thesis - "Revocation of Invalid Marriage in the Song Dynasty under the Conjugalism and Its Effectiveness and Procedures".He could only correct one typo for me.In the fourth section of the second chapter of my thesis, "Foreign Marriages and Marriages of Honor and Inferiority", Huizong's original note on "Eight Years of Zhenghe" said: "Zhenghe only lasted seven years, and Hong Mai made a mistake in the first year of Chonghe. It was 1118 years." Teacher Yao Congwu read it, and added an annotation: "Zhenghe has a total of eight years and two months short." He showed it to Zhao Tiehan again, and Zhao Tiehan added a note, saying: "...the Eighth Year of Zhenghe, the Eighth Years of the Eighth Year of Zhenghe, was changed to Yuan Chonghe on November 1 of that year. See Li Ji's "Song Dynasty Facts" volume two and "Song History" Huizong Ji , Mr. Hong (Mai) is right." By writing here, we can see the greatness of Mr. Yao Congwu.He is not good at my thesis, but he is kind to others, and he is not ashamed to ask, so he showed it to Zhao Tiehan.Zhao Tiehan is a professor at Normal University who also runs "Mainland Magazine". He wrote back to him and said: "'Li Jun is very talented. He can zoom in and find materials, and he is better at organizing and tailoring. Analyzing problems is like peeling bamboo shoots like pulling cocoons. It's wonderful. Even if there are sparse places, young people's normal feelings are not enough. My public appreciation is enough to convince the public." In fact, Zhao Tiehan may not be good at my thesis, and he just corrected a typo.In fact, my grades have been extremely outstanding at National Taiwan University, and the professors who know the goods have long since disappointed me.This can be seen from the scene of the postgraduate entrance examination later.In the oral exam of the institute, all the professors (including teacher Yao Congwu) sat around, but no one "dare" to ask me questions. Finally, Shen Gangbo, the dean of literature, asked, "Do you still want to wear a robe?" Everyone laughed and passed the exam.This story reminds me of the scientific genius Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer studied at Harvard and completed four years of homework in three years. At the age of 23, he went to the University of Göttingen in Germany and received his doctorate in three weeks.His thesis on quantum mechanics made the professor in charge of the examination inferior, and the professor in charge of the examination said after the oral examination: "Fortunately, I slipped away early, and he has already asked me the other way around!" Woolen cloth!Teacher Yao Congwu's talent is not high, and although his experience and efforts in learning are not commensurate with him, he has inspired and helped me a lot in areas other than learning, which I will never forget in my life.I published "Thirteen Years and Thirteen Months" in the sixty-third issue of "Wen Xing" on January 1, 1963, which caused a sensation. There is a paragraph about his relationship with me: Xindian Country House is the most indifferent of my 26 years.On the most peaceful days, this life close to nature gave me the opportunity to think deeply. In the green mountains, by the green water, and on the suspension bridge, I thought about which way I should go and how to go this way. How many times, when the sun was setting, I sat next to Mr. Yao Congwu, looking at the wrinkles and sparse spontaneity on his face, and seeing the picture of the white head school script he successfully wove, I couldn't help feeling I can't help but be at a loss spontaneously.In front of a hard-working teacher, it seems that I shouldn't follow him on the purely academic road, but whenever I lock the research room in the dark, watching his slow back disappear in the darkness, I actually I can't help asking myself: "Maybe there is something more suitable for me to do, 'Bai Shou Xia Cen's career is still too early for me, and being lonely is not suitable for me, I am still young, I should take a look! " So, in the cold night, I walked onto the bridge of Bitan. The sky was gloomy, without moonlight or starlight, and there was a dead silence and thick ink on the side of the mountain. The huge and dark shadow seemed to be crushed With my head up, on the shaky suspension bridge, I am independent, imaginative, and bring myself uneasiness and doubts.However, a voice gave me a brave inspiration, that is the stream under the bridge, non-stop, steady, flowing straight forward, flowing forward, I looked, looked, I don’t know when, it appeared in front of my eyes The brook in my hometown had turned into manuscript paper, so I pushed away "Stealing Wrath Records", removed "Gui Qian Zhi", picked up a pen, and wrote the first text for "Wen Xing" - "The Old Man and the Stick". "The Old Man and the Stick" was published on November 1, 1961, which was the forty-ninth issue of "Wen Xing".I finally threw myself into the rapids.Throwing in water before throwing in the pavilion is just playing tricks on fate.This change is of course due to my unwillingness to write books in vain. Another reason is that I am struggling to make ends meet. It turns out that the salary of the assistant is paid every March, and part-time jobs are not allowed. What’s more, I was admitted to a graduate school in the summer. According to the regulations on the appointment of assistants, assistants are full-time, and graduate students are not allowed to do so. Therefore, the salary of thousands of yuan for full-time assistants is gone, and I can only get graduate students. The research fee is 400 yuan, and 400 yuan is obviously not enough for me to do research. At that time, Teacher Yao Congwu planned to have Yang Peigui take over my assistant position, and Yang Peigui would give me the teaching position of Taipei Commercial College as a private exchange. There is a radish and a pit on the Shang side. There is a pit to fill in the principal’s own people. He disagrees with Yang’s departure and Li Lai’s, so in the end it also fell through (Shi Ke wanted to give me the teaching position of Chenggong Middle School before leaving the stage, but the principal refused , the reason is the same as above). At that time, I was admitted to the graduate school, and I was confident that although I lost my full-time assistant position after I passed the exam, but because the graduate student can also serve as a teaching assistant, I can "lose the east corner and gain the Sangyu". Unexpectedly, in order to resist me after the exam, Shen Gangbo suddenly Abolished the requirement that a postgraduate student should also be a teaching assistant, and insisted on hiring another teaching assistant. The recruited Wang Deyi and others were all unsuccessful in the graduate school. Of course, this kind of measure made me unconvinced. Later, I gave up the graduate school. Seeing that I was gone, Uncle Shen Gang returned to graduate school and was also a teaching assistant. On December 13, 1961, I sent a long letter to Teacher Yao Congwu, which said: The original intention of the long-term association is to stabilize the lives of scholars. With the comfort of long-term financial aid, I, an evil scholar, will also be allocated 1,000 yuan (with money, housing, books, carriages and horses). This amount is only enough to maintain the minimum living of a student, not the minimum living of a "scholar". The minimum standard of living for a scholar is a quiet small room (not a dormitory for ten people), reading books late at night (not stealing candles in the dormitory), buying books for a few hundred yuan a month, and watching two movies , eat a classic restaurant (although I have never been). ... My view on the standard of living is that a sensitive young man already suffers a lot mentally. We have no reason to ask him to suffer more physically and in life; there is no reason to say that he rents a small room. To escape the hustle and bustle of the city and ordinary people, it is a luxury to spend 10,000 dime a month! Five years of dormitory life and one year of military life made me deeply feel that the masses are the enemy of independent thinking and learning. …No one believes that there is not a piece of clothing I wear that is not the shade of Lao Tzu, no one believes that I have to pay off the sporadic old debts from my college days, and no one knows that I have saved the money for breakfast for the second half of the year to buy books. I think of the story in "Che Xuan Transcript".Fan Zhongyan wondered why Sun Xiucai was young and promising but "did on the road". When he knew that Sun Xiucai's ambition was "to get a hundred dollars a day, then the delicacy is enough", he decided to be this person "you can get three thousand dollars a day." , in order to enable people to "study at ease".Fifteen years later, when he heard that Sun Xiucai had become a great Confucian, Sun Mingfu, he couldn't help saying with emotion: "It's exhausting to be poor, and if Suomi grows old, he will be as talented as Mingfu, and he will disappear without seeing him! " Maybe I should really regret that I went to this graduate school, and the public fee is 400 yuan a month.What can I concentrate on studying?If you have to "drain on the road" for life and waste your youthful interests on dressing and eating, it would be better to simply go to the Institute of Modern History or the "National History Museum"! (I don't think I'm not qualified, at least the "report card" is not as good as my classmates who are "highly paid" there.) Because those places at least combine my academic ability, interest and earning a living, knowledge is in the rice bowl, and the rice bowl That is to say, in learning, there is no need to earn extra money by secretly changing compositions or writing manuscripts indiscriminately. I don't plan to say goodbye to learning, but I know that learning is simply a luxury for me at present. Learning requires a lot of stability and temperament, at least for people like me who "have more desires inside but love learning outside".Gu Yiqun is the representative of stability, Xiao Qiqing is the embodiment of temperament, but I am nothing.Based on this self-consciousness, I feel that I can no longer be in love with the inn. I feel that I am not worthy to be your assistant, and your laboratory should not contain such a cultural wanderer. ... After Mr. Yao Congwu received the letter, he not only wrote to me, "propose one thousand yuan to be used for supply and demand", but also wrote three letters to Xiao Qiqing a day, saying: Li Ao is afraid that it will be very hard. ... He wrote me another long letter yesterday, which aroused my sympathy.But I have already prepared the money, and I am going to give it to him today (there is a class on Saturday), but he has not come, so I have to ask you to make another trip.I'm sorry: 1.A part-time assistant suffers an unexpected setback. 2.The teaching at Beishang Branch will also have to wait until January or early February next year to be confirmed. 3.Brother Li has a strong personality, and he does not accept help from others casually, and you are not here, so there is no one to persuade him. 4.When I was in Peking, I was quite capable.Now, I am often stuck in a predicament, helpless.No way!Please accept the thousand yuan for emergency use. ... Xiao Qiqing was serving as a soldier at Fuxinggang in Beitou at that time. After he received the letter, he sent me three more letters from the 17th to the 21st. The last one said: I went to visit you at National Taiwan University yesterday, and I heard that you have recovered. I haven’t been there for a few days, but I met Mr. Yao, and he asked me to go to the new store to “persuade” you. Although I agreed to him, but because the highway bureau didn’t help, I waited for half an hour and the car didn’t stop. After returning to Fuxing, if you meet an old man, just say that I have been there. ...I'm going to visit you on Sunday morning, can you wait at the mansion? Tao Laosan sent a letter, which was also attached to the letter. The "Third Tao" mentioned in Xiao Qiqing's letter is Tao Jinsheng.Tao Jinsheng is the son of Tao Xisheng, who was in the third class higher than me in the history department. He and I worked as assistants to Teacher Yao Congwu, and later studied in the United States.陶晋生能当上助理，固然由于他本人的程度不错，但是陶希圣过去在北大教书，又是北大毕业生，和姚从吾老师有交情，也有以致之。这时姚从吾老师见我生计困难，认为陶希圣欠他的情，颇想把我介绍到陶希圣主持的“中华民国开国五十年文献编纂委员会”，暂时糊口。他把这意思告诉吴相湘老师，吴相湘老师极为赞成。因为他一直想拉我搞近代现代史，由于姚从吾老师是他的老师，挡在中间拉我搞中古史，他就一直不便多说。这回是姚从吾老师的意思，他自然乐为奔走。他跑去找陶希圣，陶希圣立刻表示欢迎李敖去。不料姚从吾、吴相湘两位老师兴高采烈地告诉了我，我却面有难色。我表示陶希圣是汉奸，又是国民党中的红人，我实在不愿意和他接近。吴相湘老师说：文献会并非陶希圣一个人的，罗家伦也是主持人之一，并且你去只是帮忙编民国开国时史料，是以整理辛亥革命史为主，可以发扬先烈们的幽光潜德，跟陶希圣的身份有什么相干？国民党史料不开放，你去可以趁机看到一些史料，“不入虎穴，焉得虎子”，你还是去吧！姚从吾老师也劝我不妨暂时去，他说他和胡先生（胡适）也谈过，胡先生说不妨去。在两位老师的劝说下，我说既然如此，我就暂时去混碗饭吧！就这样的，我就上了“贼船”，虽然最后因为不能“从贼”而被开革，但回首之余，仍不无悔恨。悔恨我实在不该上船。去文献会工作是我结束新店山居的最大原因，在我到文献会后两个月，我便搬回了台北。