Chapter 50 The past that can never be told

I don't think it's a bad thing that I haven't fallen too much into worldly gratification in my life.Zhimo alerted me, he became an inspiration in my life, whether hated, or angry, or happy, or regretful, or sad, or painful, I have no regrets, and I am not proud of my own stubbornness, I am not ashamed either. My education is old, I can't make a new person, I just want to be "worthy" people --- parents, husband (a person who loves me and treats me very well), son, family, etc. , Later, I have to be worthy of another person who loves me. My own sometimes heart, my temperament makes it very embarrassing.In the past few years, it was easy to be worthy of him or not——now it turns out that maybe I am not worthy of anyone, how wronged you are!

I myself have reached a certain age, and I have not achieved much, and I see fewer and fewer opportunities——I am an excitable person, and I do things by sudden inspiration and magic. Now my health is not good, and the burden of daily life is also heavy. Living in a mediocre world, living a life as a wife and child! I can't help but feel sad.I am saddened to think of Zhima's inspiring friendship and love for me this summer. I miss him a lot these days, but if he is still alive, I am afraid I will not be able to change him.Very unlikely in fact.Maybe that's why I don't love him enough, a proof that I love my present home above all else.Zhimo also admitted this.

Huiyin wrote to Hu Shi just because she had a lot of troubles pent up in her chest. She didn't expect that these purely personal complaints might be published decades later.Therefore, these letters especially enable us to see a real Lin Huiyin.This is a Lin Huiyin who has no plans, a Lin Huiyin who is not good at dealing with tortuous and complicated personnel affairs, a Lin Huiyin who is honest with others, impatient and lacks methods.Especially when it talks about her relationship with Xu Zhimo, it can clarify all kinds of guesswork and assumptions about their relationship. After Hu Shi received Huiyin's letter, he wrote a letter to Ling Shuhua on December 18. This letter conveyed Hu Shi's elder brother's gentle criticism, persuasion and mediation, and also circumstantially proved what Lin Huiyin said in the letter:

Uncle Hua: …I realized yesterday that you gave Huiyin only half a volume of Zhimo’s diary, and I think you must have kept that volume and a half for biography or novel materials.But I thought about it, this method is not very good... You have these two diaries in your possession, and most friends know... So I compiled a brief list of posthumous works last week, indicating that you keep two diaries... I will write today This letter is for you, please give me those two diaries.I paid the typist to type these English diaries into three copies. In the future, I can leave a complete copy for you to use as biographical materials...

We have no way of knowing Ling Shuhua's attitude and actions after reading Hu Shi's letter, but the half (or one and a half) diary has since disappeared, and it has become a past event that posterity will never be able to tell.Half a century has passed. In October 1982 and May 1983, Ling Shuhua, who lived in London, UK, mentioned this incident twice in letters to Xu Zhimo’s cousin Chen Congzhou: ...This situation was thirty or forty years ago! Speaking of Zhimo, I still feel that I know his personality and life experience a little more than many friends... Unexpectedly, a few days after his death in a flight, at Hu Shi's house Some of his friends clamored for his box to be taken out and made public. I said I could give it to Xiaoman for safekeeping, but Hu helped Lin Huiyin and a group of people asked me to hand it over (probably because Lin and his friends were afraid that Zhimo’s love diary would be made public. It was inconvenient for her, so Hu Shi was forced to ask me to hand it over).I said I should hand it over to Xiaoman, but Hu Shi said no.There are so many of them, I have no way to refuse, so I have to hand them over to Hu Shi.It's a pity that many manuscripts and diaries were buried or lost.