Chapter 49 Twenty, big ups and downs (2)

My fascination with Chekhov also made me narcissistic and autistic. The core of Chekhov is sensitivity to vulgarity, ridicule and helpless melancholy.A man seeks a yard with gooseberry trees, and he has it, and he enjoys himself foolishly, and he appears even more stupid and dull.A girl, living a good life and getting married, suddenly realizes how vulgar and boring her life is. She abandons all worldly happiness and leaves resolutely.After reading too many books by Chekhov, you can’t help but suspect that thing called life and life, how much repetition, how much conformity, how much drifting, how many should be regarded as numb things in the world, there are not many without you, not many without you, If you don't think about it, you're done. When you think about it, you can't help but panic.

I have dealt with the crisis brought about by the "Group", and my response is quite mature and decent. I hope that my appearance will be completely new. However, it is easier said than done to be new?I even want to write a work that can make up for the shortcomings. I named it "Fruitless Flower", just like I am familiar with Liu Shiwu's old-fashioned, and I am familiar with young people's careers that only bloom but do not bear fruit or only bear sour fruit.However, after specifying the title for the new work, my mind became blank. Ashamed to say, I feel a kind of sadness after the newlyweds say goodbye.I lack passion and devotion in class, and I come home alone, restless, flustered, and irritable. I don't know what kind of bipolar syndrome this is.Became a "celebrity" and burned it?Is he finally suffering from the original autonomic disorder of literature?Is it newlyweds?Is the petty bourgeoisie divorced from the workers and peasants?Or on the eve of anti-rightist movement, the low air pressure in Miyun caused blocked meridians, poor spleen and stomach, and water and soil were not subdued?

It was under such circumstances that the 1957 period of great enlightenment, called the Hundred Flowers Period by foreigners, began, changed, and ended. I was invited to various consultation meetings on literary and artistic work.I was careful not to fire the cannon.I even told Deng Youmei personally after a meeting convened by the Propaganda Department of the Municipal Party Committee that you should be cautious in what you say. According to my understanding, the leadership does not like those "singing and letting go". I also squeezed out time to take a self-funded Xiangshan tour with Fang, and I ate Western food during the heavy rain and lightning.Since then, I have searched many times for the place where Fang and I lived overnight, but I can't find it.That place is called "Xiangshan Villa".This is the only year that Beijing piloted self-funded weekend trips.After the Anti-Rightist Movement, all these "bourgeois" things were taken away in one pot until the reform and opening up, a quarter of a century later.

I often think of A. Tolstoy's "The Course of Suffering", the first "Two Sisters". The beginning of the book describes the Crimean seashore in summer, and the acquaintance of a pale modernist poet Beck and his sister Dasha.According to the narration of the film adapted from the novel, this is the last summer, people are still enjoying it, and they are still rotting away.I also think of the Christmas Eve scene in the movie "Maxine Trilogy", where the rotten bourgeoisie and the aristocrats lift up women's skirts in carnival and indulgence, but I don't know that what has ushered in is not pleasure, but revolution, not indulgence, It's the end.

I was invited to participate in the enlarged meeting of the party group of the Chinese Writers Association, criticizing Ding Ling and Chen Qixia.I was stunned. I was amazed that in order to criticize Ding Ling, I first started with Chen Qixia's relationship between men and women, and mobilized Comrade Liu Xi to expose her one-time lover Chen Qixia as a victim.How is such a method? I was also impressed by Kang Zhuo's particularly excited Hunan accent and large body swings when he spoke.Lou Shi and others recalled the pain when they had a bad relationship with Lu Xun during the Left League period, and Comrade Xu Guangping blushed after listening to the speech.She recalled that Lu Xun often had to accept visits from Hu Feng and Feng Xuefeng when he was seriously ill, and she was also very excited.

I always remember Shao Quanlin's self-questioning and self-answering.He said: Some people may ask whether it is right to destroy an old writer like Ding Ling. He replied that the more great a writer is, the more revolutionary a writer is, the more party members and writers must accept the party's rescue and party's help. First of all, they have damaged themselves, and our critical struggle is precisely to protect and help them. I don't think anyone would offer "dissent" like "don't damage" at this time.I think his speech reflects his own contradictions, and then he uses particularly noble and touching words to convince himself and calm his inner turmoil.It's a pity that the fact after that is that through this kind of special love and help, a writer was helped to hell—and then Shao Quanlin's fate was much worse than Ding Ling's.

I am also proud to be able to participate in such a high-level meeting.I feel the storm is coming, the test is coming.I have actively participated in various democratic reform movements after liberation, anti-feudalism, anti-monopoly, anti-society, three-anti-five-anti, private industrial and commercial transformation... I was a little unexpected from the anti-Hu Feng, and I was taken aback. feel.I know I'm no longer an activist.I can't keep up, and I don't like this kind of movement from the bottom of my heart, I just hope that this kind of movement will end soon.This anti-rightist movement is both exciting and heart-pounding. How did it become like this?I felt uncomfortable, awkward, stiff.I told myself, don't dare to be careless, you have to study hard, and at the same time, you have to listen to the leader, don't talk if you can't figure it out, and it's none of your business.At least, with such a special and important meeting to attend, I can avoid the pain of waiting for a bus at both ends of Dongzhimen and Jiuxianqiao for many days.

What I regret is that I took the initiative to reflect to Comrade Guo Xiaochuan, the leader of the Writers Association, some of the views on literary and artistic issues that Mr. Feng Xuefeng had in the only individual contact with me. Husband's "One Person's Experience" is an ordinary work, but it has been blown up a lot.I also made a speech at the meeting, expressing my intention to criticize Ding Ling and Feng Xuefeng, and also expressing my intention to study hard and improve my understanding.It's not an honorable record, and in today's language, people would, people could, and I myself should blame myself severely.I should repent.I'm sorry, Teacher Feng Xuefeng, he received me at home because he respected and cared for me, but I found "materials" from it.