In September 1977, I graduated from Fudan University and was assigned to Beijing. There is half a month's leave before reporting.I haven't visited home for three years, and I miss home and my mother very much.But I plan to assign the unit to be confirmed, and I will visit home after working for a few months.I very much hope to know where my work unit will be as soon as possible, and I really hope to have feelings for this unit as soon as possible. Walking out of Beijing Railway Station, like walking out of Shanghai Railway Station three years ago, I was a little at a loss. During the "Great Connection" period, as a "Representative of the Red Guards", I went to Beijing twice.I am one of the more than 1,200 students in the school, and I was elected on the basis of one representative for every fifteen students.My middle school alma mater was quite "conservative" in the early days of the "Cultural Revolution". The criteria for selecting "Red Guard representatives" were not based on the principle of "rebelliousness", but in fact it was similar to the criteria for selecting "three good students".After arriving in Beijing, it was said that there were nearly one million "Red Guards" in universities, middle schools, including elementary schools.We first froze overnight in a temporary tent in the Temple of Heaven Park, and then lived in the Geological Museum.The "Red Guards" from all over the country laughed at us when we saw the red silk strips of "representatives" pinned to our chests.It is the right of every "Red Guard" and every revolutionary student to say "revolutionary tandem" and go to Beijing to accept Chairman Mao's review.What qualifications do you have to deprive others of their power as "representatives"?We were all ashamed, tearing off the proud "representative" logo and throwing it away.

After being inspected, I went to Leshan in Sichuan alone to visit my father.My father's mailing address is a code-named mailbox. Many people don't know it when I ask it. I ask at the post office and they know this place, but it belongs to a military industrial unit and it is kept secret.Reluctantly, he sent a telegram to his father according to the mailbox address.The father's call back only had three words, "Quickly return."Later, I heard from my father that there was a great chaos there at that time, and dead people often happened.He was afraid that I would go, so he "stayed" there forever.

I went back to Beijing again.Happily caught up with a "review".I can't recall what form it was in, but I only remember living in the family dormitory of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Dongdan, the home of a counselor.I lived with nine male students from a "Long March Team" in Wuhan.A room of about twelve square meters, with a thin layer of hay, covered with dirty bedding and lice. The "Long March members" were very dissatisfied with the living conditions, so they used big brushes dipped in ink to write various slogans on the white walls.On the day I left, it seemed as if four Dutch cow hides were hung on the four walls, one black and one white.In fact, the "grandmother" of the host family is very affectionate to us.Although I didn't paint on the wall, I felt very guilty for others... I stood in the square in front of the station, thinking of working in Beijing and becoming a citizen of the capital, I couldn't help feeling a little excited.

The September sun made me squint my eyes.The heat emitted by the asphalt road is transpiring on the ground, and the trees on the side of the street seem to be trembling slightly with vehicles and pedestrians. The big clock at the station rang.I turned my head and looked at it, muttering to myself: "Beijing, Beijing, please take care of me in the future!..." Harbin - Great Northern Wilderness - Shanghai - Beijing, within ten years.I seem to have had a long dream since I was eighteen.When I woke up, I was twenty-eight years old.But when I was young, I never even dreamed that I would become a Beijinger after the age of twenty-eight. During the "big series" period, Beijing did not leave a good impression on me.Everywhere is painted red, which makes people feel uneasy, and the wind and sand in autumn are still so big.Going to visit the Military Museum, the westerly wind blows huge dust and rushes on the road.It is reminiscent of the "Yuan Dadu" period when hussars crossed the long street and the sand was flying under the hooves.

Although Beijing does not make me feel close, I am still filled with a sense of luck.It's luck, not happiness.Think about it, among my contemporaries, hundreds of thousands are still in the Great Northern Wilderness!Among them are more than 100,000 educated youths in Beijing.But I, a kid from Harbin, didn’t know which god would bless me in my destiny, so I suddenly became a Beijinger! Human destiny is full of opportunities!In all the successes of all people, some chance at a certain time has played a major role.This is the relationship between man and society that is both contradictory and unified.For everyone, it is important to be good at grasping opportunities, because after all, opportunities cannot belong to those who are unprepared.Compared with my contemporaries, my fate is so good. No matter which department or unit I am assigned to, I must work hard, otherwise I will be too sorry for my family's ancestral grave.This is the strongest idea that came to my mind when I stood on the square of Beijing Railway Station.I asked many people where the Ministry of Culture was, and they all said they didn't know.No wonder, most of the questions I asked were from outsiders.At Beijing Railway Station, at least six or seven out of ten people are foreigners.And I can't tell who is from Beijing and who is from outside.I asked a young policeman.

He replied: "I don't know. If you want to ask me where the Ministry of Public Security is, you are right. The Ministry of Culture... I never thought that someone would ask me where the Ministry of Culture is." After all, I am a college student, and my mind is much more flexible than it was three years ago.I went to the post office opposite the station to check the phone book.I found the number, dialed the phone, and asked where the highest cultural institution of our republic is. The person who answered the phone was the person in the reception room, and asked me who I am?Why do you want to come to the Ministry of Culture?The tone is very vigilant.

I respectfully state that I am a registered college graduate. "Beach." The other party answered two words and put the phone down. I bought a traffic route map in Beijing, and changed trains according to the map without asking anyone.After an hour and a half, I finally stood outside the gate of the Ministry of Culture. The soldiers standing guard with guns asked me what I was doing?I dug out the introduction letter issued by the school from my schoolbag and showed it to him. He looked at it, returned it to me, and said, "This is not the Ministry of Culture, this is the "Red Flag" magazine."

"red flag"!No wonder there are soldiers defending with guns.Accumulating prejudices about the "Cultural Revolution", in my mind, it is another name for "Ministry of Culture and Justice".It is an authoritative publication that condemns culture and art on behalf of the "Party Central Committee" for a period of time.It has published a large number of articles criticizing "Hai Jui Dismissed from Office", criticizing "Yanshan Evening Chats", criticizing "Shanghai Morning", and criticizing "Red Sun".All culture and art, and all well-known figures in the field of culture and art, have either become "reactionary" or "feudal" or "revisionist" after being grouped by them.This is a place where crimes were specially made during the "Cultural Revolution" and it was its mission to carry out the "burning of books and burying Confucianism"!It not only convicts Chinese culture and art and people in the cultural and art circles, but also convicts foreign countries.For example, he has criticized Stanislavsky's artistic system and Chernyshevsky's "What to Do" eloquently. In an article praising modern Chinese ballet, he also criticized classical ballet.

I thought to myself, what I am looking for is the Ministry of Culture, why did I come to such a place!Although I am just one of the ordinary ants in a billion, even if I committed any cultural crimes during the "Cultural Revolution", I am not qualified to be "trapped" by "Red Flag".But I'm still a little apprehensive about this place. I turned around and left. After taking two steps, I couldn't help but turned around and said, "But people told me that the Ministry of Culture is in this courtyard!" The soldier on guard said, "That's right, it's in this courtyard, right in that building. This gate is the gate of the 'Red Flag', and the main entrance on the street ahead is the gate of the Ministry of Culture."

I begged, "Then let me in!" The soldier said, "No way! Everyone goes through their own doors." I said, "Okay, okay, okay." They went around for another ten minutes and arrived at the main entrance.Seeing the signboard of the Ministry of Culture is like a child seeing a grandma, with affection in his heart. There are also soldiers with guns standing guard at the gate of "grandma"'s house. After being allowed to enter the courtyard, he hurried to the building. Unexpectedly, at the entrance of the building, I was stopped by a soldier on guard again, and asked me to fill out the "Visitor Registration Form" in the reception room outside the gate.But I threw it away when I was walking in a hurry in the courtyard.

The soldier said, "You find it." I saw that the soldier was a person who could not be discussed, so I had no choice but to turn around and walk slowly while searching.Two people in the courtyard stopped and looked at me curiously, probably thinking that I had lost my wallet or something valuable. Also found.Afraid of being reprimanded by the soldiers, he carefully smoothed Zhan with his hands before he dared to re-enter the building. Finally entering the building, the kind of child before saw the family affection like grandma, and wiped them all away.There are double guards at the entrance of the courtyard, which is not considered "heavily guarded", but also "fortified at every step".I suspect that what I have come to is not the Ministry of Culture, but the headquarters of some military branch. When going upstairs, I walked very carefully step by step, fearing that a soldier would suddenly appear out of nowhere and be stopped for questioning if I was unprepared. Fortunately, it's just a double post. Walking up to the floor of the Ministry of Culture, I ran into a gay man in his fifties and asked him which room the "Graduate Assignment Office" was in. The answer was: "It hasn't been established yet!" I was in a hurry, and I didn't know what to say for a while, and my sweat suddenly dripped down. Seeing that I was in such a hurry, he said: "There may be someone who will be in charge of this work, I will ask for you." I stood in the corridor and waited. After a while, the gay man attracted a female comrade who was nearly forty years old.She asked me, "Are you here to report?" I said: "Yes." Ask again: "Which university did you graduate from?" I said, "Fudan." I took out the letter of introduction and handed it to her again. She looked at it and said, "You reported too early! There are still more than half a month left! I was only asked to take charge of this job yesterday, and I have no idea at all. Come back in ten days!" I hurriedly said: "That's not okay, where will I live for these ten days?" She asked: "Where is your home?" I said, "Harbin." She said, "Then you can go back to Harbin. It's okay to report a few days late." Back to Harbin——I only have ten or so yuan left in my pocket, not enough to buy a train ticket. I was embarrassed to say so, so I just said, "Anyway, I can't go back to Harbin. If I could, I wouldn't get off in Beijing." After hearing what I said, she thought I had some special secrets, and asked again: "No relatives in Beijing?" I shook my head and said, "No." Ask again: "There are no classmates." I shook my head and said, "No." Continue to ask: "Is there no one you know?" I said, "There are a few educated youths from Beijing who were in the same company as the Great Northern Wilderness." She seemed to relieve me of a big worry, and said, "That's all right! Let's live with them. You come to me in three days. You can't do it again." It's ahead of time. I'm already taking care of you!..." What else?Can't say anything more.I expressed my full gratitude and left the Ministry of Culture in a depressed mood. It's past four o'clock, I don't know where to go?A person suddenly came to mind——Huang Zongjiang. So I decided to go to him. At that time, I didn't know Mr. Huang Zongjiang, but I already knew Mr. Huang Zongying.I have been studying in Shanghai for three years. The most honorable thing for me is to meet two people whom I respect very much: one is Mr. Huang Zongying and the other is Mr. Ru Zhijuan.Whenever I think of them, I feel grateful in my heart. I know them, which can be considered an "opportunity". After the "Gang of Four" was crushed, a city-wide gathering of literary and art workers was held in Shanghai to commemorate the anniversaries of the publication of the "Speech at the Yan'an Forum on Literature and Art".One teacher and two students attended the Chinese Department of Fudan University.I was one of them, taking part in the fiction group discussion and acting as a recorder.If I remember correctly, Teacher Ru Zhijuan seems to be the deputy team leader.The fiction group also includes Mr. Ba Jin, Shi Tuo, Ren Gan... a total of more than a dozen people. Balao was still in good health that year, and his steps were very steady when he walked.My impression is that he doesn't speak much, is approachable, and speaks very slowly, as if every sentence must be thought through.Although he was devastated during the "Cultural Revolution" and his reputation has not yet been publicly restored and rehabilitated, he is not complacent.From that "thinker" face, it is not difficult to see the inner strength and self-esteem.The meeting lasted for five days, and we often ate at the same table.I have not spoken to him.Because I have too much respect for this small and unbearable old man.But when eating, he often served him a meal, or took the initiative to pass the dish in front of him that he couldn't hold.Teacher Ru Zhijuan did not speak much.Being a discussion moderator has to "ask" someone to speak.I could see that she took that "errand" as a sin.People who have read "Lily" say that Teacher Ru Zhijuan should be a delicate woman.It seems that she should not be as tall as she is, with big hands and smoking.It seems that when she wrote "Lily", it was not right that she was not a lily-like woman.And some said that her name is also so elegant. Before I met her, the female writer whom I admired in my imagination was not what she was.But after seeing her, I felt that she should be like that.Felt that smoking was a special demeanor for her.Her big manly hands are the hands that should have written "Lily".If her hands were small, they wouldn't look like the hands of female writer Ru Zhijuan. I basically didn't speak.They are all elders, and they are all people I admire.I don't want to talk, I just want to listen. But one day at the plenary meeting, a representative of the editorial department of "Zhaoxia" made a speech, saying that "the ideological sentiment of novels like "Lily Flower" is unhealthy after all, and it belongs to the petty bourgeois sentiment after all. "Speech at the Symposium", literary workers should consciously work hard to overcome..." Yun Yun. This annoys me. "Lily" is my favorite novel in middle school.For a person I like, or a piece of work I like, I will not allow others to belittle it in front of the public.So when the discussion continued in the afternoon, I made a statement with strong words.It was just an emotional speech without any logical theory.At that time, I couldn't talk about any theory.Before that speech, although Teacher Ru Zhijuan and I had meetings together for a few days and had dinner at the same table several times, we did not speak to each other.For the people I respect, I only want to keep my respect in my heart, and I don't want to express it in words. When I was speaking, Teacher Ru Zhijuan looked at me intently.The expression was a little surprised, a little surprised, and seemed a little worried.Perhaps I was afraid that I would "go off the rails" and say something inappropriate. I didn't "go off the rails". Remember what I said: the so-called "petty bourgeois" mood of our proletariat, I think it is really a very poetic mood of human beings.If we lack this sentiment in our lives, we really don't know what it will be like.I wish there were more such sentiments in our lives.There are more sentiments like this in our literature... So far I think I have said very little, and very well.That's it.So I haven't forgotten. After I spoke, everyone was silent for a long time.No one is for me, and no one is against me.Everyone continued to speak, all of which had nothing to do with this topic. Then another day and a half was held.Teacher Ru Zhijuan still hasn't spoken to me.I still haven't spoken to her either. Until the end of the meeting, she handed me a page torn from the diary, with her home address written on it, and said to me sincerely: "Come and play at my house when you have time, I am very casual, I will never Makes you feel constricted. And I like being around young people, too." I have been to her house twice. The first time was before graduation, I brought two classmates and talked with her for nearly an hour and a half.She was very frank with us, and talked about many views on literature and art that were at odds with the still "revolutionary" literature and art theories at that time. During the conversation, she suddenly said: "Let me call my daughter down to meet you. She also likes literature." It was on that day that I met Wang Anyi.At that time, An Yi was still in the art troupe of Xuzhou area, at least half a head shorter than now, with very tanned skin, loose hair that was not thick, and wearing a pair of pajama pants and slippers that Shanghainese often wear at home.Teacher Ru Zhijuan said to An Yi: "They call me teacher, and logically you should also call them teacher, because they are all students of the Chinese Department of the university." An Yi didn't call us "teacher", and didn't look at us, It seems that in order to obey my mother's order, I had to sit opposite us, holding a book in my hand.Teacher Ru Zhijuan said: "You are all young people, and you will all be interested in literature in the future. You should have more common topics." An Yi remained silent. I don't remember asking her a single question that she was obliged to answer out of politeness.I can't remember how I answered.I just remember her speaking extremely fast, with poor punctuation.My impression is that she is eager to express her thoughts, but the thoughts in her mind are multi-layered and have a wide range of connotations, which are only suitable for expressing with pens but not with words.Another impression was that she didn't think much of us, the three worker, peasant and soldier students, from the bottom of her heart. After she finished speaking, it was purely out of politeness that she sat with her for a few minutes, then got up and went upstairs. Teacher Ru Zhijuan quickly explained to us: "An Yi's character is just like this, don't take offense." When we got up to say goodbye, Teacher Ru Zhijuan said to me: "Xiaosheng, please stop first, I have something to tell you." I stayed. She said: ""Zhaoxia" will be cancelled, and "Shanghai Literature" will be resumed. After you graduate, if you want to stay in Shanghai, I can fight for you from the school." I said: "I am from the north. I still want to go back to Harbin. Living among Shanghainese, I often feel lonely.” She pondered for a moment and said, "I can understand you. Then no matter where you are assigned in the future, or come to Shanghai again, I welcome you to my home." This remark touched me very much at the time. She added: "You are a good young man. Don't think that I praised you because you defended "Lily Flower"! I just rely on my intuition. You look like a Shanghainese, but your personality is too The character of the northerners. I like the character of the northerners." In May of this year, I was in Shanghai revising the manuscript for "Shanghai Literature". When I took time to visit Ru Zhijuan at her home, she introduced me to An Yi's father. The first sentence she said was still: "Xiaosheng is a good young man... " She never said this seriously. Maybe she can't know how important this sentence is to me.I never considered myself a good young man, but I thought I was not bad.It has been eight years since Fudan came to Beijing Film Academy. In Vanity Fair and in the film and television industry, I have not been infected with any nasty bad habits, and I have not done anything shameful. It is really because I often cannot help thinking: If I become A certain kind of person, how will Teacher Ru Zhijuan treat me?If I do something shameful, how will I see Teacher Ru Zhijuan again?