Chapter 59 12. A gentleman respects those who are in himself

In the environment at that time, the danger I faced was double. I might be transformed into a mediocre person living like an animal by the environment, or I might actively adapt to the environment to pursue superficial success.In fact, both are assimilated by the environment, and what the latter creates is just another form of mediocrity.A college student working in the regional propaganda department kindly advised me to write more unlevel manuscripts for unlevel newspapers. If there are more newspapers, they will gradually attract attention and be reused.In fact, he himself came out that way.At the beginning, I followed his advice and actually sent a few manuscripts to Guangxi Daily, but nothing came of it.Happily this turned out to stop me in time from this foolish endeavor.I can see clearly that if I want to take a shortcut, I have to cater to something I don’t like. Why should I wrong myself like this, it would be more comfortable to walk my own lonely road.Someone knew that I was working hard, and asked me: "No matter how well you study and how much you know, so what?" I am myself.I only pursue what I can do, and don't think about things that are beyond my control, so I have a peace of mind.Xunzi's words provided me with strong support: "A gentleman respects what is in himself, but does not admire what is in the sky; a villain mistakes what is in himself, but admires what is in the sky", so a gentleman "advances every day", and the little People "retire every day".

Since 1974, several of my old classmates have been promoted to the first-level organs of the autonomous region.When I first heard this kind of news, I was quite irritated and felt aggrieved for what happened to me.Later, when I was on a business trip, I visited them and saw their condition, which made me feel calmer.Some of them looked satisfied and taught me: The conclusions of theoretical issues are always made by authorities, and there is no need to engage in theoretical research. Literature, art, theory, etc. are all trivial skills.Then, he persuaded me earnestly and earnestly to improve the personnel relationship, so that I will have a future.I found that they were as uninterested in spiritual things as ever, and the only change was that they were more worldly.Then, news came that a classmate who had declared that Qu Yuan and Li Bai were both reactionary literati had been transferred to the university to teach.My heart became more and more peaceful, and I believed that I had the right to underestimate the so-called opportunities and luck, despise all false successes, and laugh at the empty status with real achievements.

I still couldn't see my future in reality, but this situation gave me an inner self-confidence and determination.I believe that I am on the right path.Because I have my own spiritual pursuit, the current bad situation will not stop me, and once the situation improves, it will not stop me either.On the contrary, for those who have no spiritual pursuit of their own, sophistication and luck may get them a good position, but they can never make them really make a difference.Looking back at my diary at that time, I found that my attitude towards life was very firm and clear, and even the expression was quite close to today.Perhaps, to firmly establish a principle of being a human being, and to value inner spiritual achievements far more than external social success, is the main gain of Yuanyuan's eight and a half years of experience.Let me excerpt some sentences from my diary——

"I don't envy seeing an incompetent person get lucky, because he is incompetent after all. I don't envy a capable person getting lucky, because he deserves it." "Mediocre people are easily satisfied, and dissatisfaction is also due to trivial things. No matter what the situation is, a spiritual person will not be completely satisfied, nor will he be completely dissatisfied." "My disadvantage is that I am too honest. If I act like the kind of people who are trying to catch fame, I will never be what I am now. However, my nature is hard to change. I would rather be honest and remain unknown than slippery. Therefore, I am afraid that this is the only way to end. .”

"Is life bitter? Is the environment boring? But I don't envy anyone. I am happy that I am myself. People must have a little spirit, and spirit is not contagious. I will never envy those who lack spirit people, no matter how rich they are in other ways.” "Although I have lived in a secluded place for a long time, I still try my best not to let myself down. In this environment, I don't know how many people have sunk. Thinking of this, I can still comfort myself. Whenever I work hard, I think of those things People who don’t do anything, have no knowledge, and only use their power to oppress the people can’t help but smile contemptuously. Although they are aggressive, I still have the right to despise them.”

"Even if I have been left out in the cold all my life, I would rather be an unknown person with real talents and real learning than an ignorant philistine. It doesn't matter whether it's noble or ambitious, anyway, I It was decided to go it alone.” Of course, if you ask me what achievements I have made, it is actually very pitiful.In that environment, all I could do was find books to read and write as much as I could.In the early seventies, there were simply no books worth reading in bookstores.I found a very incomplete set of Wanyou library in the library of the county middle school. I was so happy that I borrowed it to read one after another. "The Complete Works of Lu Xun" was reprinted, and I asked my family to buy it in Shanghai and mail it, and read it again.Reading miscellaneous books can't satisfy me. I especially want to do some systematic research, but I have no way to start. In 1973, the criticism of the law and Confucianism began, and a topic was provided for me.At that time, I didn’t know the background and intentions of this propaganda campaign, but I felt that the tone was wrong. I once wrote in my diary: “Confucianism and Legalism represent the two hands of the feudal ruling class. It seems inappropriate to praise and criticize Confucianism. Now respecting the law and criticizing Confucianism is probably to defend the Cultural Revolution." However, it is also a good thing to take this opportunity to systematically read the two works.It happened that Xiaozao got a set of "Han Feizi Jijie" printed and thread bound, so I asked him to send it for me to read.At that time, I was going to the countryside in a very backward village. There was no electric light at night, and the flea bites made people unable to sleep, so I read with a flashlight.After reading it, I really wanted to write about it, but felt that there was not enough information, so I wrote to the Propaganda Director of the Prefectural Party Committee whom I had met a few times, asking her to borrow the book for me.She replied that she refused, and the reason was very special, because Han Feizi did not belong to the scope of publicity reports.In the end, I wrote a paper of more than 30,000 words entitled "Han Fei's Theory of the Rule of Law".At the time, it was of course impossible to publish such a thing, but my purpose was always to figure things out for myself.What is the use of knowing?have no idea.But it's better to be clear than not to be clear, and I'm finally doing something.

Since 1973, Zhonghua Book Company began to republish the Twenty-Four Histories in conjunction with criticizing the law and criticizing Confucianism. This is really a sweet spring in the desert for me who is thirsty for books.The county bookstore had very little stock, and the Propaganda Department and the Party School could only get one set. When I was in these two units, I was responsible for buying the books, so I bought them myself without reimbursement of the invoice.In fact, no one reads these books except me, and they can keep them for themselves if they are reimbursed, and no one will find out and ask questions, but my cleanliness does not allow me to do so.From then on, I started my life of studying history. I read the first three histories and "Book of Jin" in more than two years, and I also read "Warring States Policy" and "Zuo Zhuan" borrowed from the county middle school.I came up with a plan to write the "History of the Spring and Autumn and Warring States", but in the end I only wrote three chapters of the history of Qi, Wu, and Lu, with more than 30,000 characters.In addition, he also wrote "Reading "Three Kingdoms"", more than 40,000 words, including two long articles on Cao Cao and Zhuge Liang and some character reviews.

In addition to history, another focus of my reading is Marxism-Leninism.This is mainly because, when I was working in the Propaganda Department of the county party committee, the only books worth reading in the two bookcases in the office were the complete works of Mann and the complete works of Lenin.I read through the seventy-eight volumes of these two sets of books, and extracted a large number of cards.I was very interested in Lenin's post-October writings, and I found him deeply troubled by the enormous difficulties of establishing a socialist system in a country with backward productive forces, which is exactly what our country is facing.I have thought a lot about this, but it was not until April 1978, after the fall of the Gang of Four, that I wrote a 30,000-word essay entitled "Revolution and Productivity in Backward Countries—Revisiting Lenin's Discussions" ".I focused on explaining an important thought of Lenin: Although the socialist revolution begins in countries with backward productive forces, it can only be completed in countries with advanced productive forces.To a large extent, Lenin had foreseen the inevitability of the restoration of capitalism in backward countries.Values ​​aside, it should be admitted that Lenin was wise.

In the years I stopped, I still did a little bit.Well, maybe the years have not stopped, it is still quietly moving forward, bringing me to a place suitable for my growth.