Chapter 80 first quarter

My soul is walking in the sky above the human world, seeing the world of mortals rolling in, I feel extremely tired and suffocated.Therefore, I also understand Zhang Ailing better. Her ability to withstand crowding is obviously ten times lower than mine, and her need for space for solitude is a hundred times greater than mine.So she chose an autistic way of life in her last days, isolated from the world. Of course, before her deliberate and complete loneliness, she also went through a lot of hard work and struggle. It was 1966. After her English autobiography was completed, it was delivered everywhere, but it still couldn't be sold.But the high medical expenses came to him like a creditor, so he had to seek help from Liu Shaoming, a young lecturer who was teaching in an American university at the time, and asked him to find a job for him in the university.

Liu Shaoming once wrote an article titled "The Talented Woman Zhang Ailing in Distress" and recalled, "Eileen Chang had a difficult time. I learned about it from Mr. Xia Zhiqing. That is to say, before meeting her for the first time, I was prepared to ask Do your best to help her with whatever you can." ——Zhang Ailing's hard life has become an open secret in the American Chinese circle. It sounds really embarrassing! Once upon a time in Shanghai, when Aileen went to her uncle's house, her aunt saw that her clothes were thin, and said casually, "Sometimes I searched through the suitcase to find two old clothes from your cousin for you to wear." , blushing and said: "No, no, really, my aunt doesn't want it!" Even tears rolled down.I said in my heart: When will it be my turn to be donated?

However, the facts now have to make her bow her head-not long after she returned to the United States, Laiya fell on the way home from the Library of Congress in Washington, resulting in paralysis.Aileen watched over him day and night, setting up an army bed in the living room and nursing as she wrote.During this period, their source of income was Zhang Ailing's royalties, plus Laiya's monthly social welfare payment of US$52. In order to save money, she had to move her family from the simple apartment in the Royal Court to the Kentucky Court, a low-cost government rental house in the black district, and at the same time looked for job opportunities everywhere to supplement her family.

At that time, McCarthy had been transferred back to the United States from Taipei to work for the "Voice of America". Through his introduction, Eileen Chang got some opportunities to write radio scripts, including Chen Jiying's "The Story of Di Village" and Soviet writer Solzhenitsyn's His famous works "A Day in the Life of Ivan" and "Matrona's House" and so on. Gao Keyi, the editor of the Chinese Department of the Voice of America, who was in charge of contacting the manuscript, recalled the three meetings he had with Eileen Chang in the article "Eileen Chang's Radio Play":

"For the first time, she came to the headquarters of the 'Voice of America' in Southwest Washington to submit a manuscript. She was indeed a shy and introverted female writer. She refused to set foot in our office. I received a call from the reception outside, When I came out to greet her, I saw a slender middle-aged lady in black (maybe dark green) western fashion, wandering in the outer hall, looking around and looking at the pictures on the four walls. I went home and told my wife that day, and Mei Qing said:' Ah! Eileen Chang is my middle school classmate in Shanghai St. Mary's.' At that time we talked to her and asked her to have a dinner together, but she politely declined."

——Zhang Ailing has always been introverted, she doesn't like meeting people, and it's not surprising that she refuses to date.However, she has a deep affection for her alma mater, and it is rare for her to meet an old acquaintance in another country, but she even rejected the appointment of her old classmates. In addition to being withdrawn by nature, I guess the main reason is that she was living in poverty during this period of time. Socialize with others, so that those old friends who "classmates and teenagers are not cheap" will be cruel to her again.What's more, during the meeting, when everyone was reminiscing about the past, it was inevitable to ask about the current situation. How could she explain to others her husband who was paralyzed in bed and the embarrassment that she was so poor that she had to rewrite radio dramas to make a living?And after eating, do you want to pay back?Do you want to reciprocate courtesy?These are all things that Zhang Ailing, who pays attention to etiquette, deeply taboos.

Better to be known than seen.Zhang Ailing knew that people had always had a lot of rumors about her, and because she always felt that she was lacklustre, it was rare for her to tell others, so she was unwilling to argue.However, it is impossible for her to give a speech on stage and answer every question. It's not an honor to marry a past writer who is thirty years older, is it?Being old is embarrassing enough, but you still have to be poor; but you can still bear being poor, and you still have to be sick; if you have other diseases, you have a stroke and paralysis. The safest distance between people is to just get acquainted without relationship.Once people's relationship is defined by a certain concept, it will be insecure and stressful, such as colleagues, classmates, friends, relatives, superiors and subordinates, partners, even husband and wife, family members, rivals, enemies... If these relationships have to happen , then the only thing that can be done is to deliberately maintain a spatial distance to minimize the opportunity and risk factor of communication.

Gao Keyi's subsequent recollections can support my guess—— "The second time, also to talk about the manuscript, I went to the apartment she and her husband rented near Pennsylvania Avenue in the Southeast District, and visited her. I thought I could always admire the brilliance of the old writer, that is, with Eileen Chang at Mike's Mr. Laiya met and got married at the Dowell Literary and Art Camp. But she told me that he was sick in bed and could not receive guests." ——"Not being able" to receive customers is the reason, and "unwilling" to receive customers is the root cause.At this time, Laiya was already dying of illness. He was originally a strong man, but now he was skinny and a dehydrated Santa Claus.Not to mention Gao Keyi, a "needless idler", one day when his cousin Habershtat came to visit him, Laiya, who used to be hospitable and talkative, turned her head to the wall silently without saying a word—the proud Laiya Both Zhang Ailing and Zhang Ailing were unwilling to face the surprised and pitiful eyes of others, and they were unwilling to show their wounds nakedly in front of others.

As for the third meeting between Gao Keyi and Zhang Ailing, that is, the second meeting between Xia Zhiqing and Zhang Ailing mentioned above— "The third time, which is worth recalling, was that the 'Asian Society' held its annual meeting in Washington DC. Brother Xia Zhiqing came from New York to read the paper, and his brother Xia Ji'an came to the United States from Taipei not long ago, and also came to the meeting from California. Presented the papers for discussion, and the two brothers made a perfect match. My colleague Wu Luqin, who is a good friend of Xia’s Kunzhong, told me that they really wanted to meet Zhang Ailing. So I made an appointment with them after the meeting, and my old friend Chen Shixiang, a professor at the University of California, Driving to the southeast district, I finally picked up Zhang Ailing. This was the first and only time I met Ji'an. I used to write for Shanghai "West Wind" magazine in the early years; Ji'an said in the car that he also often contributed to the magazine, I used the pen name 'Xia Chu'. Both of us remembered that Zhang Ailing had published an article "My Genius Dream" in "West Wind".

Destiny always turns corners unknowingly. The appearance of Gao Keyi seemed to be just to facilitate the reunion between Xia Zhiqing and Zhang Ailing. After that, his mission was completed and he never saw Zhang Ailing again; Eileen Chang's friendship lasts a lifetime... The meager income from adapting the radio drama is no different from daily consumption and Lai Ya's medical expenses. Zhang Ailing had to ask for help everywhere, trying to find a few more jobs and get a relatively stable income.Liu Shaoming recorded bitterly, "If she hadn't been unaccompanied in the United States, she would never have rashly asked us three young boys who had just debuted for help, and asked us to look out for appropriate errands for her."

The "three brats" here refer to Liu Shaoming, Zhuang Xinzheng, and Hu Yaoheng.It was June 1966. Liu Shaoming, who was a resident lecturer at the University of Wisconsin at the time, was invited together with Zhang Ailing to attend the seminar on the relationship between Chinese and Western literature at Indiana University. Zhuang and Hu were graduate students at Indiana University at the time. We went to the guest room to visit Zhang Ailing.Liu Shaoming recalled: "That day, Eileen Chang was wearing a cheongsam, with a slender figure, which made people feel that such a woman who is 'looking at the water' should be protected." In fact, Zhang Ailing is tall and slender, but she is "slender", small but not "small".Thinking about it, Liu Shaoming left such an impression because her "embarrassment" and "weakness" fell in his eyes, and she felt "shabby", and even her stature became "small". For those who study knowledge, the most "appropriate job" is of course teaching. However, to teach in an American university, you must have a doctorate, and even a bachelor's or a master's degree does not work.But Eileen Chang, not to mention a doctorate degree, was very difficult to find a job because she had entered and exited twice at the University of Hong Kong, and she didn't even have a formal university diploma.This is how Eileen Chang and Liang Zi of the University of Hong Kong ended up in this way—she repeatedly wrote back to the University of Hong Kong to ask the school to show her academic qualifications. Fortunately, Heaven paid off. Among Liu Shaoming’s many requests for help, one finally got a positive reply, that is, Professor John Badgley, his former boss when he was teaching at the University of Miami, was willing to invite Zhang Ailing to stay at the school for seven and a half months. Thousands of dollars.However, Liu Shaoming’s lecturer salary in Miami in 1964 was 7,000 yuan a year, which was less than 600 yuan a month. In addition to rent and daily expenses, he could also buy second-hand cars in installments.In comparison, Zhang Ailing's treatment in Miami is still good. However, it is obviously inconvenient to take her husband to work, so Zhang Ailing tried to entrust Faise to take care of Lai Ya temporarily, but she was rejected bluntly. Faith said bluntly: "I also have to go to work, and I have two teenage sons to take care of. You can't just leave him like this! You should have known that when you married him How about his health!" - she was clearly implying that Zhang Ailing had another plan in marrying Lai Ya, in order to get a green card! Zhang Ailing said nothing.She has always understood that she is alone, walking alone in this world, and no one can share her pain.She decisively left Washington with the paralyzed Laiya. When Faise came back, she only saw a few cardboard boxes and a note from Zhang Ailing: "I can't take all the things with me. Please help me dispose of these boxes of garbage—— One last thing!" Faith opened the cardboard box and found that it was full of her father's manuscripts and diaries. She said angrily, "She threw it here as trash!" ——Many people interpreted this as Eileen Chang’s disrespect for Lai Ya’s works, but I thought it was her silent protest and the most straightforward reply to Faith: I have nothing to do with your father. picture.I have left all his property to you in advance! Zhang Ailing came to Oxford, Ohio, where the university is located, in September 1966, but she offended the principal as soon as she arrived.In her letter to Liu Shaoming on September 20, she wrote: "I fell ill, but I still had the energy to go to the dinner that the principal gave me. I went, and the result was terrible. I really easily offend people. .It's even worse when you're up against a crowd. That's what I'm afraid of, of undoing the friendship you've built for me here." Afterwards, Liu Shaoming asked a friend, and the friend said that the principal hosted a banquet just for her that day, and Zhang Ailing's late attendance was not counted. Moreover, I am not used to obeying the rules, and I don’t know the minimum acting skills of "sit in the office and read a book"——"Zhou Zeng sent a message to tell me to sit in the office every day and read a book. I always read when I eat and rest." Look. If you are well-dressed, walk more than a mile to Macracker Hall to sit and read a book, and then walk back, take a rest, a day's work has been wasted for most of the day, and nothing has been accomplished." She is indeed not suitable for OL work.Regardless of the white-collar gold collar, it is not Eileen Chang's style. She once said: "Teaching is not only good at the level, but also good at expressing, being able to speak out the ink in my stomach-I can't do this kind of thing." After being a writer-in-residence at the University of Miami, Eileen Chang's second job was to translate late Qing novels at Harvard University's Radcliffe Women's College with funding from the Rockefeller Foundation.This time, it was thanks to Xia Zhiqing's recommendation. Not long after arriving, that is, on October 8, 1967, Lai Ya died of illness in Massachusetts. After the body was cremated, no funeral was held, and the ashes were handed over to Faith for burial. Eileen Chang did not like things outside her body and rituals behind her. She said this to herself, The same goes for your loved ones. In all of Eileen Chang's writings, there are very few mentions of Lai Ya, and she is absent even in "Comparative Notes". Only two pages "unearthed" behind her lightly describe her experience of abortion in the United States. As the chicken waited for her to attack, it left me with unspeakable tenderness. However, she wrote in a letter to Taiwanese writer Zhu Xining: "Lai Ya is not a painter, but a literati, and some people think he is good. For example, the company publishing in the United States gave me an advance payment of 1,000 yuan in royalties, and paid him the same period. Three thousand in advance for an unfinished novel. I don't read what he writes, he always says: 'I'm good company.' , but we are very close, and I have not finished a sentence, and I already feel redundant." He also said: "I didn't marry for life, nor for loneliness, but simply because I like him." —I hope so too.If so, all the suffering is still worth it.