Chapter 7 lonely cloud
Looking up to the scorching sun, I felt that I was standing naked under the sky, being judged like a bewildered underage who was busy with excessive boasting and self-contempt.
The days when the pear blossoms were like snow and the morning birds sang were gone.Under the low wall of childhood, the sycamore tree has already been higher than the eaves.In the afternoon sun, will that light pink butterfly also lose its beauty?There is also the night of fireflies, who should continue to tell the unfinished story.The years always take advantage of people's unpreparedness, and gradually climb over your shoulders and mine.The sleepy dream of childhood was paid to fleeting years, only time follows like a shadow, and will never change until death. You have to believe that the arrangement of world affairs is actually very fair and there is no deliberation.The divorce of Zhang Ailing's parents may have brought regret to her heart, but fate will give her another explanation, and life needs to be repaired with stitches and stitches.My mother moved away, and my aunt Zhang Maoyuan was with her.My aunt has always disagreed with her father, and she and her mother had studied abroad together, and they got along very well. They lived in a Western-style mansion in the French Concession, bought a white car, hired a white Russian driver and a French chef, and lived an elegant and fashionable life.My father also moved to another alley house to continue the happy life he wanted.Parents have an agreement, Zhang Ailing can often visit her mother.As a result, the mother's residence became a haven for her when she was tired.She believes that when she is at a loss, there will always be a lamp lit for her outside her mother's window. In her mother's apartment, Eileen Chang first saw the floor tile bathtub and gas stove.At that time, she was very happy, feeling comforted and sustenanced.However, this warmth is only temporary, and my mother is going abroad again, this time she will go to France to study painting.Between family and freedom, Huang Yifan once chose freedom.When that tragic marriage was completely broken, she was even more relieved. From now on, she will be alone in the world, alone in the rivers and lakes. At that time, Zhang Ailing lived in school, and her mother came to see her at school when she was parting.Eileen Chang once described the scene of parting this time: "She came to see me, and I didn't express any regrets, and she seemed very happy, and things could go through so smoothly and without any trouble, but I Knowing that she was thinking: "The next generation, the heart is so cruel!" Waiting for her to leave the school gate, I looked at the closed red iron gate from a distance through the tall pines and firs on the campus, and I was still indifferent. But gradually I felt the need for tears in this situation, so the tears came, sobbing loudly in the cold wind, crying for myself." This is Zhang Ailing. Although she was only eleven or twelve years old at this time, she already knew perseverance and indifference.The lack of maternal love has all affected and changed her temperament.Her works always inadvertently reveal a kind of indifference, lack of warmth and compassion.That's because she hid her tenderness deep in her heart, trying to hide herself with ruthlessness.So much so that she has adopted an evasive and withdrawn attitude towards the outside world all her life. The root cause is that she is afraid of getting hurt. Zhang Ailing knew that she had always been a lonely cloud, and it was up to her to decide where to go.Mother is gone, but my aunt's house still has her breath.Delicate tangram tables, pastel colors, and many lovely people coming and going that she doesn't understand.She believes that the best she has ever known, both material and spiritual, is here to stay.The deep relationship between her and her aunt also started from here, and it has been deeply connected for a lifetime.To some extent, Eileen Chang found the lost maternal love in her aunt.So, she cherishes it. And everything about her father Zhang Tingzhong's side is something she despises.She wrote in "Whispers": "Opium, the old man who taught my younger brother to do "On Emperor Gaozu of Han Dynasty", chapter novels, live lazily and ashes. Like the Persians who worship Zoroastrianism, I forcibly divide the world into two parts. Two halves, light and darkness, good and evil, gods and demons. What belongs to my father's side must be bad..." It can be seen that Zhang Ailing's heart resists this kind of confused and rusty life.But sometimes she likes this feeling in her heart, like the cloud of opium, the foggy sunshine, and the messy tabloids in the room.She knew that her father was lonely, and only when he was lonely would he feel tenderness. Even so, nothing can be changed, love is still love, hate is still hate.In her small heart, she began to have many plans for the sea and the sky. She longed to go to England to study at a university after graduating from high school.She wants to be more in the limelight than Lin Yutang, wear the most unique clothes, and travel around the world.I have my own house in Shanghai and live a clean and tidy life.Yes, crisp and neat, this is Zhang Ailing's personality, she hates that kind of endless entanglement.She would rather cut off all her concerns by herself, even if it was bloody, she would not hesitate. But the world is erratic, and the sea of people is ups and downs, how can it be up to oneself.My father was getting married, and when my aunt told Eileen Chang the news, she cried.In the past, she had read too many novels about her stepmother, but she didn't expect it to be applicable to herself.At that time, Eileen Chang had only one urgent feeling in her heart: "No matter what, we can't let this happen. If that woman is right in front of me, leaning on the iron railing, I will definitely push her off the balcony, and it will be settled once and for all." A child's wayward joke, no matter whether she can accept it or not, the fact that her father remarried has become an indelible fact. The family accepted relocation again, this time, the original old bungalow was actually moved to, which is the place where Eileen Chang was born.She didn't have any memories before. When she had enough thoughts to re-examine the house, she just felt that this old house carried too many historical imprints and overlapped too many family stories, and even the air was blurred. She said that places with the sun make people drowsy, and places with shadows have the coolness of ancient tombs.Here, she often couldn't tell when she was awake and when she was confused.But one thing is clear, she doesn't like this family, because there is no one in this family that she deserves to like. The stepmother and grandson Yongfan also smoked opium. She and the talented girl Lu Xiaoman were best friends at that time. Because both of them were addicted to smoking, they were called a pair of "Fairy Furong".At that time, Lu Xiaoman and Xu Zhimo lived in Siming Village, and often entertained Sun Yongfan, so Eileen Chang was also honored to attend, but Lu Xiaoman was never mentioned in her later articles.Maybe she transferred her dislike of her stepmother to Lu Xiaoman.In the Republic of China, Lu Xiaoman was also a poppy-like woman, an out-and-out fairy.I don't know how many people drank that cup of coquettish and fragrant poison, and died because of her intestines, without complaint or regret. In fact, the stepmother and grandson Yongfan were not mean to Zhang Ailing, let alone vicious.Before she married into Zhang's house, she heard that Zhang Ailing was about the same size as her, so she brought two boxes of her own clothes for Ailing to wear, and the materials were all good.But Zhang Ailing thought it was a charity and an insult.She has been unwilling to forgive. She once wrote in "Comparative Notes": "For a period of time, I lived under the rule of my stepmother, and I picked her to wear the leftover clothes. I will never forget a dark red thin cotton gown, ground beef It’s the same color, and I wear it endlessly, as if I have frostbite all over my body; the winter has passed, and there are still scars of frostbite—it’s so disgusting and shameful.” How sharp the language is, it is so persistent.Thinking about it, apart from Zhang Ailing, there are few people in the literary world who have such writing skills and can describe an old shirt so vividly.That's because she was too proud, too self-respecting.Zhang Ailing later used her wonderful pen to criticize the image of her stepmother and grandson Yongfan many times.In fact, Sun Yongfan was also born in a prominent wealthy family, but because his family was in decline, and Zhang Tingzhong inherited the wealth of his ancestors, Sun Yongfan was entrusted to marry here by a matchmaker. Sun Yongfan has not committed any other crimes in his life other than being a confidant with "A Furong".If it wasn't for the influence of her family background and her addiction to smoking, she wouldn't have to marry Zhang Ting to be her stepmother, let alone be the stepmother of her two children.But Zhang Ailing's dislike of her is also a matter of course.There should not be many children in this world who can be tolerant enough to really like a stepmother.She didn't like to go home because she didn't want to see her father and stepmother lying on the couch, eating opium in a cloud of depravity.In Zhang Ailing's eyes, Sun Yongfan is too contemptuous, too unselfish, and only cares about sinking and greedy, regardless of the sun and the moon flying like flying. What saddens Eileen Chang the most is that her father and stepmother lead a life of indulgence and extravagance every day, but they are reluctant to spend money to pay her piano tuition.Zhang Ailing remembers that every time she asked her father for tuition fees, she was always delayed: "I stood in front of the cigarette shop for a long, long time, but I didn't get an answer." an unforgivable injury.There is no place in the world to look for precious things. What she can do is to make herself cleaner and freer. Time is like embroidery, and time is cocooning.The beauty that is supposed to be in the memory is always different from the reality.Even so, you still have to persist in living this cloud-like day, even if you go to the end of the mountain, there will be a turning intersection for you to come out.It's just the bright moon hanging in front of the window, I know it when I wake up, but who will understand it when I'm drunk?
The days when the pear blossoms were like snow and the morning birds sang were gone.Under the low wall of childhood, the sycamore tree has already been higher than the eaves.In the afternoon sun, will that light pink butterfly also lose its beauty?There is also the night of fireflies, who should continue to tell the unfinished story.The years always take advantage of people's unpreparedness, and gradually climb over your shoulders and mine.The sleepy dream of childhood was paid to fleeting years, only time follows like a shadow, and will never change until death. You have to believe that the arrangement of world affairs is actually very fair and there is no deliberation.The divorce of Zhang Ailing's parents may have brought regret to her heart, but fate will give her another explanation, and life needs to be repaired with stitches and stitches.My mother moved away, and my aunt Zhang Maoyuan was with her.My aunt has always disagreed with her father, and she and her mother had studied abroad together, and they got along very well. They lived in a Western-style mansion in the French Concession, bought a white car, hired a white Russian driver and a French chef, and lived an elegant and fashionable life.My father also moved to another alley house to continue the happy life he wanted.Parents have an agreement, Zhang Ailing can often visit her mother.As a result, the mother's residence became a haven for her when she was tired.She believes that when she is at a loss, there will always be a lamp lit for her outside her mother's window. In her mother's apartment, Eileen Chang first saw the floor tile bathtub and gas stove.At that time, she was very happy, feeling comforted and sustenanced.However, this warmth is only temporary, and my mother is going abroad again, this time she will go to France to study painting.Between family and freedom, Huang Yifan once chose freedom.When that tragic marriage was completely broken, she was even more relieved. From now on, she will be alone in the world, alone in the rivers and lakes. At that time, Zhang Ailing lived in school, and her mother came to see her at school when she was parting.Eileen Chang once described the scene of parting this time: "She came to see me, and I didn't express any regrets, and she seemed very happy, and things could go through so smoothly and without any trouble, but I Knowing that she was thinking: "The next generation, the heart is so cruel!" Waiting for her to leave the school gate, I looked at the closed red iron gate from a distance through the tall pines and firs on the campus, and I was still indifferent. But gradually I felt the need for tears in this situation, so the tears came, sobbing loudly in the cold wind, crying for myself." This is Zhang Ailing. Although she was only eleven or twelve years old at this time, she already knew perseverance and indifference.The lack of maternal love has all affected and changed her temperament.Her works always inadvertently reveal a kind of indifference, lack of warmth and compassion.That's because she hid her tenderness deep in her heart, trying to hide herself with ruthlessness.So much so that she has adopted an evasive and withdrawn attitude towards the outside world all her life. The root cause is that she is afraid of getting hurt. Zhang Ailing knew that she had always been a lonely cloud, and it was up to her to decide where to go.Mother is gone, but my aunt's house still has her breath.Delicate tangram tables, pastel colors, and many lovely people coming and going that she doesn't understand.She believes that the best she has ever known, both material and spiritual, is here to stay.The deep relationship between her and her aunt also started from here, and it has been deeply connected for a lifetime.To some extent, Eileen Chang found the lost maternal love in her aunt.So, she cherishes it. And everything about her father Zhang Tingzhong's side is something she despises.She wrote in "Whispers": "Opium, the old man who taught my younger brother to do "On Emperor Gaozu of Han Dynasty", chapter novels, live lazily and ashes. Like the Persians who worship Zoroastrianism, I forcibly divide the world into two parts. Two halves, light and darkness, good and evil, gods and demons. What belongs to my father's side must be bad..." It can be seen that Zhang Ailing's heart resists this kind of confused and rusty life.But sometimes she likes this feeling in her heart, like the cloud of opium, the foggy sunshine, and the messy tabloids in the room.She knew that her father was lonely, and only when he was lonely would he feel tenderness. Even so, nothing can be changed, love is still love, hate is still hate.In her small heart, she began to have many plans for the sea and the sky. She longed to go to England to study at a university after graduating from high school.She wants to be more in the limelight than Lin Yutang, wear the most unique clothes, and travel around the world.I have my own house in Shanghai and live a clean and tidy life.Yes, crisp and neat, this is Zhang Ailing's personality, she hates that kind of endless entanglement.She would rather cut off all her concerns by herself, even if it was bloody, she would not hesitate. But the world is erratic, and the sea of people is ups and downs, how can it be up to oneself.My father was getting married, and when my aunt told Eileen Chang the news, she cried.In the past, she had read too many novels about her stepmother, but she didn't expect it to be applicable to herself.At that time, Eileen Chang had only one urgent feeling in her heart: "No matter what, we can't let this happen. If that woman is right in front of me, leaning on the iron railing, I will definitely push her off the balcony, and it will be settled once and for all." A child's wayward joke, no matter whether she can accept it or not, the fact that her father remarried has become an indelible fact. The family accepted relocation again, this time, the original old bungalow was actually moved to, which is the place where Eileen Chang was born.She didn't have any memories before. When she had enough thoughts to re-examine the house, she just felt that this old house carried too many historical imprints and overlapped too many family stories, and even the air was blurred. She said that places with the sun make people drowsy, and places with shadows have the coolness of ancient tombs.Here, she often couldn't tell when she was awake and when she was confused.But one thing is clear, she doesn't like this family, because there is no one in this family that she deserves to like. The stepmother and grandson Yongfan also smoked opium. She and the talented girl Lu Xiaoman were best friends at that time. Because both of them were addicted to smoking, they were called a pair of "Fairy Furong".At that time, Lu Xiaoman and Xu Zhimo lived in Siming Village, and often entertained Sun Yongfan, so Eileen Chang was also honored to attend, but Lu Xiaoman was never mentioned in her later articles.Maybe she transferred her dislike of her stepmother to Lu Xiaoman.In the Republic of China, Lu Xiaoman was also a poppy-like woman, an out-and-out fairy.I don't know how many people drank that cup of coquettish and fragrant poison, and died because of her intestines, without complaint or regret. In fact, the stepmother and grandson Yongfan were not mean to Zhang Ailing, let alone vicious.Before she married into Zhang's house, she heard that Zhang Ailing was about the same size as her, so she brought two boxes of her own clothes for Ailing to wear, and the materials were all good.But Zhang Ailing thought it was a charity and an insult.She has been unwilling to forgive. She once wrote in "Comparative Notes": "For a period of time, I lived under the rule of my stepmother, and I picked her to wear the leftover clothes. I will never forget a dark red thin cotton gown, ground beef It’s the same color, and I wear it endlessly, as if I have frostbite all over my body; the winter has passed, and there are still scars of frostbite—it’s so disgusting and shameful.” How sharp the language is, it is so persistent.Thinking about it, apart from Zhang Ailing, there are few people in the literary world who have such writing skills and can describe an old shirt so vividly.That's because she was too proud, too self-respecting.Zhang Ailing later used her wonderful pen to criticize the image of her stepmother and grandson Yongfan many times.In fact, Sun Yongfan was also born in a prominent wealthy family, but because his family was in decline, and Zhang Tingzhong inherited the wealth of his ancestors, Sun Yongfan was entrusted to marry here by a matchmaker. Sun Yongfan has not committed any other crimes in his life other than being a confidant with "A Furong".If it wasn't for the influence of her family background and her addiction to smoking, she wouldn't have to marry Zhang Ting to be her stepmother, let alone be the stepmother of her two children.But Zhang Ailing's dislike of her is also a matter of course.There should not be many children in this world who can be tolerant enough to really like a stepmother.She didn't like to go home because she didn't want to see her father and stepmother lying on the couch, eating opium in a cloud of depravity.In Zhang Ailing's eyes, Sun Yongfan is too contemptuous, too unselfish, and only cares about sinking and greedy, regardless of the sun and the moon flying like flying. What saddens Eileen Chang the most is that her father and stepmother lead a life of indulgence and extravagance every day, but they are reluctant to spend money to pay her piano tuition.Zhang Ailing remembers that every time she asked her father for tuition fees, she was always delayed: "I stood in front of the cigarette shop for a long, long time, but I didn't get an answer." an unforgivable injury.There is no place in the world to look for precious things. What she can do is to make herself cleaner and freer. Time is like embroidery, and time is cocooning.The beauty that is supposed to be in the memory is always different from the reality.Even so, you still have to persist in living this cloud-like day, even if you go to the end of the mountain, there will be a turning intersection for you to come out.It's just the bright moon hanging in front of the window, I know it when I wake up, but who will understand it when I'm drunk?