Chapter 21 Chapter Twenty

In January 1962, it was a hard winter in Washington, DC, where it was snowing and damp.Ruihe came back from the outside alone, his hands were so clumsy that he couldn't hold the key no matter what, and he couldn't open the door of the apartment after a long time, so he couldn't help cursing "Damn it".At last the door was opened, and regardless of the key being in the lock, he hurried into the room to open the letter, looking for his glasses.Ruihe suffered a stroke a month ago while moving alone from the west coast of the United States back to the east coast, and now he is still a little slow and laborious.

The letter was written by Zhang Ailing: "Dear Ruihe, I received your New Year's card today, and the first letter I wrote to Faith was returned, postmarked on November 4th, and sent to her again It will cost eighteen Hong Kong dollars, and I have to take a bus, so I plan to bring the letter to her myself." Faith is Ruihe's daughter, and Eileen Chang hopes to get along well with her, after all, she also lived under her stepmother, although The same disease may not necessarily sympathize with each other, but we should always make some efforts. Ruihe finally received Zhang Ailing's letter, he was both happy and relieved, snow fell outside the window.He read the letter repeatedly, guessing the scene when Zhang Ailing wrote the letter.

Zhang Ailing sat on the floor of the room in a small hotel in Hong Kong, using the bed as a table to write letters.Outside the window was the back of another building, blocking all sunlight.The room is dark and small, and you can hear the sound of car horns, sirens, neighbors' mahjong, loud Cantonese opera, TV programs, quarreling and cursing in a pot in the distance.But Zhang Ailing could ask Ruihe such a freehand question in such a situation: "It seems that you have a good New Year! What color corduroy shirt are you wearing?" After being free and easy, it is still a practical problem. Zhang Ailing has always been good at keeping the two from interfering with each other: "You must remember to find a smaller and cheaper house, which can be unfurnished, but don't climb too many floors. The kitchen can be separated. Better have a decent kitchen worktop."

At this time, someone from the upper floor of the building next door threw something down, the people below shouted and cursed, and the people above cursed back.Zhang Ailing just raised her eyes, not interested. Her small English words rolled down like beads: "In short, I believe that our good luck will start in the second half of 2063, but I am still in it every day. Losing sleep over how to spend ’62! I’m afraid I’m going to fly back to Washington from New York, and I’m even wondering if I should go to Petersburg and move the box to Washington. There are still some things that can be sold there, but I When I thought that the travel expenses might exceed the selling price, I gave up the idea again! If you had numbered everything as I said, it is still possible to ask someone to transport it for us now! I am looking forward to March I can go back and reunite with you, if I can book a ticket for February 30th."

Seeing this, Ruihe frowned slightly, he smiled and shook his head, knowing that Zhang Ailing was confused, how could she come back on February 30th? Zhang Ailing continued in the letter: "For both of us, try to be happy in the next six weeks. If you are still worrying about your illness, you will ruin all good moods. Kiss your ears, they are still eating for you Fanning? What do you eat these days? Take care of yourself. I love you. Eileen" Ruihe folded the letter into small squares and held it in the palm of his hand.He missed her and endured the torment of waiting.The winter snow outside the window reminded him of the same snow season in March five years ago, when he met Aileen at the McDowell Literary and Art Camp:

He lures the deer with apples, and when Zhang Ailing walks through the woods, her surprise and joy... He and Zhang Ailing walked in the woods, talking loudly, and he put Zhang Ailing's hand in his pocket... Zhang Ailing is facing the wind on the skis, smiling heartily... Zhang Ailing saw him off at the train station, Qi Qi's tears... He really loved this woman, but he was powerless to protect her and had to leave her alone, running for their livelihood. Eileen Chang stood on the Star Ferry Ferry in Hong Kong holding an umbrella, looking across the water to the other side.She returned to Asia and was stranded in Hong Kong in order to raise travel expenses to return to the United States.At this time, it has been ten years since she left China.She looked beside her, as if she could see the thirty-year-old standing shoulder to shoulder with her.It was when she had just left China in 1952. On the same ferry, she looked at the sea water, and there was only a slightly undulating outline on the other side in the vast mist.However, her future has no outline, and she doesn't even know that she will go to America, where she will meet a man and marry him.

She went to the deck and sat down, took out a pen to write down her mood at the moment, and wrote it on a piece of useless building rental advertisement paper. Her frugal nature became more obvious under the pressure of embarrassing life in a foreign country.She heard someone playing the saxophone. It was an American boy who was traveling. The salty sea water and the sound of the saxophone brought her into the memory of the first Star Ferry ferry. She was just over twenty years old that year, and she took the ferry with Yan Ying.The hot and humid summer wind, the youthful life, she has more and more unknowns, but also has a greater hope. Sea water is an endless tomorrow for her.She just broke free from the suffocating family, let go of her chest, and finally took a breath of youthful and sweet air.Yanying beside her just twisted her hips and sang along with the music, Zhang Ailing still remembered that figure.

Now she stands here.For twenty years, she seemed to have come here in one breath. Time has always been a nameless worry for her, and twenty years are so hasty.She seemed to have fulfilled a small part of her hopes, but most of the time she was trying to make a living, worrying about the future.Until now, she has returned to Hong Kong for the third time, and this worry has not been relieved, and has even deepened.Because at this moment, she is not only alone, but she also has to think about her poor and weak husband Ruihe. Ruihe was reading her letter in a corner of the library, with disapproval on her face, and a little obedience, as if her wife was chatting with him about housework in front of him: "Dear Ruihe, I received your letter and the blueprint of the house. I'm very happy, that's the house I want in my heart. I finished the second part of the script yesterday, and my eyes started to bleed again from working too long! Song Qi said that he knew too well, so he couldn't decide on me The script must be handed over to their boss who has not read it to make a decision! For the sake of our life in the second half of the year, I decided to wait until March 16th, but by then the situation may be the same as it is now. Get the money right away to pay for my plane ticket.

"Honey, I'm downcast at the thought of going on for a whole month of boredom and loneliness, and it's getting terribly old. The only comfort I have is knowing that our home is waiting for me. But don't worry about the house. Add anything (other than daily expenses). You know having more than one thing can mess with my budget - except maybe a second-hand glass fruit juicer. I need it urgently, a set of travel clothes, and another set for summer Outfits, a house robe, and a pair of spectacles—not more than seventy dollars, but a two-week wait meant I had to prepay. I mentioned bringing my mother's suitcase from Petersburg, no For my own feelings, but want to sell the contents in Washington, so that we can subsidize our lives. But it can wait. Be happy, sweet guy. Eat good food to nourish yourself. Your enthusiasm makes me happy, I can still seem to see you sitting on the floor like a big teddy bear in front of Joe's electric stove. All my love for you. Eileen"

Reha later wrote in his diary: "Great, she loves the apartment I described! It's just that she's stuck in that Hong Kong movie and has to wait to get her money. She's tired! And lonely I'm tired and want to go home, mid-March at the latest. This letter seems to have given me a shot in the arm. Whether it's receiving Aileen's letter or sending it to her, it's a joy." Ruihe's staggering pace Vibrant with letters from Eileen Chang, he awaits the return of his beloved wife. But Ruihe's sudden whim almost made Zhang Ailing overwhelmed, she hurriedly wrote back to dispel his unrealistic thoughts: "You must not come to New York to pick me up, I said I am not interested in going to New York, I just Want to live there! Especially with the current situation, as soon as I hear that you are going to spend a few days with me there, I am about to have a heart attack, and of course I think about money! My feet and calves are crammed in the plane The cramped seat is swollen, and it hasn’t returned yet. I need a pair of bigger shoes, but I want to wait until the Lunar New Year discount to buy them! I borrowed some money from Song Qi, it’s really uncomfortable, I don’t I am willing to destroy our relationship in this way, so don't mention New York! I am only thinking about the good luck in 2063 and it is related to my plan to finish the novel "Young Marshal" next spring! Things are often not right now It's never going to be possible. I feel like I'm in the mood to write right now! Regardless, trust my instincts, we're going to have a great time!"

The bright future planned by Eileen Chang never came, and the attitude of her old friend Song Qi made her seem confused and distressed: "Dear Ruihe, Song Qi came to me today with anger and a stern attitude. The script that came out was too sloppy, as if I cheated them! Song said they would pay me for the new script before I left, implying that I paid for the two scripts I wrote, and they don’t I'll give it to me! I said I'd be willing to revisit it when I got back to the US, and he didn't say anything. They were worried that Shaw Brothers would shoot first, and seemed intent on dropping the case, and I've been stuck in this uncertainty for a month In the pain of suffering—this is three months of hard work and struggle for the second half of my life! I still owe them a few hundred yuan, which is the cost of my medical treatment here, and I originally wanted to use the money to pay back!" Zhang Ailing's pain can only be confided to her husband in the letter, thousands of miles away, her side is empty, no one can comfort her, even her own body has betrayed her: "I have insomnia! My eyes started to bleed again! Lantern Festival The night before, I climbed to the roof balcony alone, looking at the big red moon in the night sky. I don’t have any friends here! Fortunately, the shipping company’s refund money has been settled, and I can pay for my return ticket .Darling! When I'm sleepless nights, standing alone on the roof, thinking that there is no one in the whole world to talk to, I don't know if you can feel how lonely I am here! I love you, Aileen!" Feisi accompanies Ruihe to the airport to pick up Zhang Ailing who has returned home.Ruihe was staring at the exit, holding flowers in his hand, while Faise looked impatient.Finally Zhang Ailing came out, Ruihe stepped forward to hug her, and the two of them stood there for a long time, as if the world had stopped and there were only the two of them left.It took Ruihe a while to think of her daughters and introduce them.Zhang Ailing politely thanked Faise for helping take care of Ruihe, but Faise's tone seemed stiff: "He is my father!" Zhang Ailing's next words seemed to be choked for a moment. Ever since they met, there was always some difficulty in talking between them, and they could only rely on Ruihe to smooth things over. Ruihe took Zhang Ailing back to their new apartment. When Zhang Ailing scanned the room, Ruihe saw the expression on her face. After all, there were some new furniture.He said guiltily: "I didn't buy anything! Just a bed, and we need a bed! Faith said it was a fine bed! The chest belonged to my father! I bought you a pine one too." Desk! Later, I saw this pine bookshelf, which is inexpensive and durable! You can finish your "Young Marshal" here!" Ruihe's careful arrangement and painstaking explanation moved Zhang Ailing. Finally, she glanced at him, nodded with a smile and said, "I like it! If you see where I live in Hong Kong, you will know that this is heaven!" Ruihe couldn't help hugging his considerate little wife again, and said with a smile: "No! Not before you come back! You are here, and heaven is here!" This seemed to be the only thing Zhang Ailing could do on her lonely road. The warm hug I got, I no longer think about the contempt of the boss in Hong Kong, or the cold eyes of my stepdaughter Faith.After going through the hardships in Hong Kong, Zhang Ailing's love for Ruihe has grown deeper, and she is willing to give her wholehearted dedication in return. Life at home is safe and sweet.Going to the library has become the focus of the two people's daily lives. They each have a desk, and each is immersed in writing.After work, buy simple food and go home with a book.Occasionally, someone is selling old things in front of their own yard, and Ruihe always likes to stop by the stall.He likes to buy things, and usually doesn't think about whether he can use them. At this time, Zhang Ailing would try to drag him away. Their life does not allow extra waste, but this kind of see-saw is also a fun in life.But often in the middle of the journey, Zhang Ailing would stop, stand still and look at her toes, which meant that her thoughts were in a fierce struggle, and then she would let Ruihe go back to buy that little thing, she loved her loved ones Never begrudge. Ruihe's illness became more and more serious, and he became incontinent. Zhang Ailing changed the sheets several times a day, kneeling by the bathtub and washing them one by one with her hands.When she was typing at the desk in the middle of the night, she would stop suddenly and hold her breath until she heard Ruihe's heavy snoring, then she was relieved to continue typing.She wrote a travel report for this trip to Asia, and the magazine sent three hundred dollars for the manuscript, which was the total value of her months of hard work. Ruihe tried not to become a burden in her life. He shuffled his feet in the kitchen frying sausages, and his hands kept shaking when he beat eggs, but he seemed to be a chef.In the winter of 1964, on a snowy night, Ruihe went shopping and staggered home. He slipped on the road and never got up again.Zhang Ailing slept on a camp bed next to the bed in the bedroom to take care of him.She heard Ruihe crying and cursing in the dark night, she could only hug his head and comfort him softly.Ruihe's tears kept asking: "Where is our good luck?" Zhang Ailing didn't answer, she was also asking in her heart.The future we expected in Hong Kong two years ago has never come. This kind of life lasted for two full years, and Zhang Ailing finally got a chance to earn money. When she asked Faise for help, she put on a blank face and refused to take care of Ruihe for her when she was away temporarily. Said angrily, "You can't leave him like this and leave! I've done everything I can, I have dance lessons to teach, and I have two kids! Besides, he needs you!" Eileen Chang eagerly explained: "We need money! The apartment we are moving now doesn't even have heating, and I can't afford it! I don't know how to spend this winter! I am now applying to be a writer-in-residence at the University of Miami. It's my only chance to make some money!" Faise understood that what her stepmother said was reasonable, but she subconsciously believed that Zhang Ailing was trying to get rid of her responsibilities, so she refused to let go easily: "I have my own job and family! I can only do this! When you married him back then I should have known about his health by the time! But he's getting worse faster than I expected!" Zhang Ailing knew that Faise had always suspected that her motive for marrying Ruihe was only for the status of residence, which made her angry and sad. Faise also seemed to be implying that Zhang Ailing would not take care of Ruihe, and pampering him too much would cause his health to deteriorate. Bad.Zhang Ailing didn't say another word, she didn't ask anyone for help anymore, she used her tenacity to bear everything she chose.She was forty-six years old this year. When Faith came to the apartment again, Zhang Ailing had already moved away with Ruihe.There were only a few cardboard boxes left in the apartment, and a note from Zhang Ailing: "I can't take all the things away, please help dispose of these boxes of garbage--the last thing!" The father took it away, but there was nothing he could do.She squatted down and rummaged through the cardboard box, which turned out to be full of her father's manuscripts and diaries. She complained distressedly: "She threw it here as trash!" She picked it up and kept it for many years, including the records of Eileen Chang part. In the autumn of 1967, Ruihe finally passed away. He was put on a white list and pushed away by the hospital's nursing staff.A nurse came over and patted Zhang Ailing on the shoulder sympathetically and asked, "Mrs. Ruihe, are you okay?" Zhang Ailing was quite calm, her eyes were dry, she shook her head and said, "I'm fine!" It wasn't until she was sitting at the entrance of the hospital waiting for a taxi that she suddenly felt something.Beside her was a cardboard box, which was brought out of the hospital.In her hand was a corduroy shirt that Ruihe often wore, the neckline was frayed, and it smelled of his cigarettes.Zhang Ailing sniffed the smell deeply, this smell touched the deepest part of her heart, Ruihe left!She buried her face in her clothes. Although she was relieved of this overwhelming burden, she no longer had a relative to rely on or talk to in this world.The huge world, the absolute loneliness, even though she had already prepared for this moment to come, but the same, no matter how early in her life she prepared for the broken and troubled life, when that moment came, she would still cry bitterly. In this mood, she finished the novel.She sees herself with clear eyes: a woman who has spent most of her life wandering alone in a foreign land.Just like the heart-wrenching words of the heroine Manzhen in the novel: "Shijun! We can't go back!" Not going back seems to be the sigh in Zhang Ailing's heart when she gazes at her own destiny. Eileen Chang lives alone in the Kingsley apartment in California, and has almost no contact with the outside world.Her old friend Zhuang asked Lin Shitong, a construction businessman living in Los Angeles, to take care of her.Lin Shitong had just left work when he first went to see her, and he only had an address and a brown paper bag of documents.He found Room 305 where Zhang Ailing lived and knocked on the door.There seemed to be movement inside, but no one answered the door. He knocked again and introduced himself in case she lived alone and dared not open the door: "Ms. Zhang! I am a friend of Mr. Zhuang, my name is Lin! He asked me to bring you something ! I'm on the phone with you!" Lin Shitong heard some movement in the room, and after a long time, he heard a slow and soft voice answering in a slightly apologetic tone: "I haven't changed my clothes yet! Please leave your things at the door and go back! Thank you! " He was a little puzzled at the moment, so he could only say hello, put his things at the door, and walked to the elevator by himself.He heard the sound of the door opening and closing, and when he looked back, the yellow envelope bag left at the door just now had disappeared.This left an extremely mysterious and incomprehensible impression on Lin Shitong. Zhang Ailing inside the door was busy spraying every corner of the room with insecticide, and she didn't let go of the shoes by the door. After thinking for a while, she threw the used insecticide into the garbage bag in the kitchen, and lost her shoes. There are two bottles of insecticide that have been used up in the garbage bag.The kitchen refrigerator was open and lit, and the shelves had been emptied of food.Zhang Ailing opened the messy closet, first took all the clothes off the hangers, and wanted to clean the closet thoroughly, but she also suspected that there might be fleas hidden in the clothes, so she threw the clothes into the bathtub, turned on the hot water to the hottest, and tried to clean the closet thoroughly. Kills fleas.Immediately, she realized that some materials could not be exposed to hot water, so she quickly reached out to scoop them up, but the water was too hot. In the end, these clothes were thrown into a large garbage bag wet like the fate of the shoes just now.She was very upset. She stayed in the bathroom in a bathrobe, looked in the mirror and pulled up the hair that might harbor fleas, endured the pain, and cut off strands one by one.However, this could not completely dispel her suspicions, so she simply left the apartment where crises seemed to be lurking everywhere, and looked for a place to live on the streets of Hollywood... Her email address has not changed, but because she is far away, she can only pick up letters once a month or two.The small mailbox is full of books, newspapers and magazines, which are stuck tightly and cannot be moved.The owner of the small post office was quite dissatisfied. Seeing that Zhang Ailing couldn't get out the letter, he just stood by and complained: "We can't always serve you individually like this! You should change to a post office closer to you!" Zhang Ailing The reason is that she has no time to write to inform others of her new address.Life was filled with such endless trifles, like a gorgeous gown, covered with lice, lice she loathed and hated. Hollywood's golden sun, yellow bald mountains, and dry air make people feel that the moisture in everything is evaporating quickly.Zhang Ailing's thin body is full of unexpected energy.Carrying bags and bags, mostly totes and paper bags, she stopped by the motel counter and asked for a room.Her eyes scanned the hotel offices quickly, advertised as new but looking dated.The manager explained that it was a newly bought hotel, but the rooms had been renovated. Zhang Ailing's voice was very soft and polite, but her attitude was very persistent, and she tried to avoid eye contact with the other party and asked, "Can I have a look at your business registration?" Take it off the wall to show her.She looked quickly and nodded in approval. She went shopping at a nearby mall and returned to the motel with two large paper bags and another in her arms.The manager who received her at first kept staring at her, because she came back this time with a black wig on her head, which can be seen at a glance.She went back to her room and put the newly bought towel slippers on her feet. Satisfied, she threw the only pair of wide sandals left on her feet into the trash can. She turned on the TV, filled the room with sound, and went on to work on the manuscript, and the letters from the post office.Several paper handbags piled up in the corner of the room were all her luggage.She threw all handwritten envelopes (letters from friends contacting her) into a large paper bag.Stack typed envelopes (bills or notices, etc.) in a pile and open them first.The advertising paper brought back from the street and the hotel is scattered all over the small bedside table and bed, and is used for drafting or calculation.Because of the endless intimacy of a man and a woman next door, she asked the manager to change rooms, and the impatient manager firmly remembered this weird old Chinese lady. She often eats takeout from Chinese restaurants, but the Mexicans who deliver the meals never see her.The door had a chain hook through which the money was handed out, and he took the money and hung the food from the doorknob.Zhang Ailing didn't open the door to bring in until she was sure the stranger had left.The fast food restaurant by the highway became Zhang Ailing's office, and "Wang Ran Ji" was compiled stroke by stroke from there. She wrote: "These little stories have shocked me, so I am willing to rewrite them over and over again for so many years, even When I think about it, I only think of the surprise of obtaining the material at the beginning and the process of rewriting, and I don’t feel that thirty years have passed during this period. Love is not asking whether it is worth it. This is "this love can be treated as a memory, It’s just that I was already lost at that time. Therefore, the collection was titled "The Story of Wang Ran". Recently, someone photocopied old works from old periodicals in the library and published the book without authorization, calling it "ancient relics unearthed". As his own discovery, he took me Like people in the Northern Song Dynasty, the copyright can also be taken as their own. In my tone, I also expressed dissatisfaction with the collection of these old works in my book, as if I violated his rights, and as the victim, I committed the crime of theft Seems like! I have to mess with Jinghuai, otherwise readers will see the Twins case and think I'm pirating my own work!" Zhang Ailing, who is over 60 years old, cares about her works as much as she did back then, and she never relaxes in defending her writing.This kind of perseverance is infused from her character to her lifelong devotion to writing. No matter how much she writes or how little she writes, whether she succeeds or fails, she always puts herself at the forefront. Eileen Chang carried "luggage" in large and small bags and wandered between various motels.She wears a long trench coat, a wig, two paper bags, a leather bag on her shoulders, and towel slippers on her feet, which have become the basic equipment for her moving on Sunset Boulevard.It was as much luggage as she could carry, and it was the only thing she had now.However, she didn't look embarrassed, she was calm and in a bit of a hurry, just like the expression on the faces of people in the city who are rushing to work. She was happy to "enjoy" the constant moving until a motel was burglarized and the thief took the entire bag, which contained her U.S. citizenship ID and proof of income, as well as the information she reported to the police who came to investigate. , "The work she has done in recent years"! The police wanted to ask more specifically: "What kind of job?" Eileen Chang's heart felt as if a knife had been stabbed out, and she felt an unspeakable pain: "A translation of a novel! A Chinese novel!" "How many? I mean how many pages are the missing documents?" Eileen Chang gave the policeman another painful look. He would never understand, but she had to answer as digitally as possible: "I'm not sure! I started doing it in 1967! Almost eighteen years!" The policeman really listened. I was confused, so I could only record it according to it. For a long, long time, Zhang Ailing sat in the place where the police were questioning the case, without moving, staring blankly at this strange and unfamiliar room.How is she here and what is she doing?What has she been doing these eighteen years?She lost the English translation, as if her heart had been taken away, and it seemed like time was playing a big joke on her again. All her efforts were mostly doomed to be in vain. In April 1985, Lin Shitong went to see Zhang Ailing for the second time, a year and a half since the time he delivered the documents.This time in the rough reception area of ​​a motel.Lin Shitong arrived early, and he was very curious about meeting Zhang Ailing.As soon as the appointed time arrived, Zhang Ailing appeared, with a gray square scarf wrapped around her head, and a lantern-like burqa that was also close to gray. She moved very quickly and her body was light, as if floating out .As soon as he arrived, he sat down on a chair that could avoid the hotel manager, nodded and smiled at Lin Shitong.Lin Shitong intuitively understood that Zhang Ailing had concerns about keeping her identity a secret, so he stopped referring to her directly as Ms. Zhang in conversations. Zhang Ailing asked him how far he lived, and then apologized for what happened last time: "Time is really scary! I fight against time every day! So I don't want to waste other people's time!" Lin Shitong quickly reassured her and said, "You don't have to be so polite, Zhuang and I are old friends! He asked me to take care of you, but you didn't tell me anything, and Zhuang called me to ask me. I'm embarrassed! " Zhang Ailing directly cut to the point: "Now I will trouble you! I have lost the income certificate and documents for applying for a house. It is very difficult to find a house now. I am still living in a motel for the time being. If there is a need someday, I am afraid I will ask you for help." .” Lin Shitong said there was no problem.He was curious about Zhang Ailing's mailing address, so he asked, "Have you always lived in a motel?" Zhang Ailing answered seriously, absolutely not as if she was joking: "It's for convenience! If it's not clean, you can move it out immediately! I'm hiding from fleas! It's a kind of South American flea! It's very vigorous, and even insecticides are useless!" Lin Shitong was in a daze when he heard this, but he had already learned not to ask questions to Zhang Ailing.Zhang Ailing stood up and said, "I've wasted too much of your time! Next time I need you, I'm welcome and I'll call you directly!" Lin Shitong also stood up quickly. It turned out that the meeting was over, and the clock on the wall only moved one tick, five minutes.Zhang Ailing told him to drive here for about 40 minutes, just to meet him.Lin Shitong went out to get in the car, Zhang Ailing saw him off at the hotel door and waved to him.He reversed the car and saw her standing at the door to see him off from the rearview mirror. The wind was blowing the corners of her clothes fluttering. The light gray color and the headscarf made her look like a monk, with a slender figure and a relic independent.He saw that she was still wearing a pair of towel slippers used in the bathroom. Zhang Ailing later lived in the Lake apartment in Los Angeles, room number 322.She wrote a letter to her old friend Xia Zhiqing in 1988 to appeal her recent situation: "Zhiqing, thank you for your letter of greeting! Since then, she has been busy moving every morning and going to the city to see a doctor in the afternoon. After midnight, the last section of the bus stops to call a car—the rest of the time is only enough to eat and sleep, so there is an absurd act of receiving letters and not opening them. I didn’t see your letters since 1985 until yesterday, I believe you will not be surprised! Maybe you think why I am so baffled, instead of taking advantage of the current popularity of Chinese female writers in the publishing industry and cheering up, instead of closing the door and not even reading the letter! If I am sick, I will publish some irrelevant A short article. In fact, I was enslaved by my various ailments (captured by chronic diseases), all of which are not fatal but waste time and energy on them! I am also mentally weak, and I have to do something to rest for half a day! I have had a series of colds for more than a year I was sick, I wasted these daily homework, it was a big disaster! I just got busy with remedial work. I have to go to see my teeth for more than two years. I am still in a state of emergency. When I receive a letter, I only look at the bill and the time Urgent business letters. Even your letter and Yan Ying's letter, which I haven't communicated with for a long time, have not been opened and put away." Her right shoulder was wrapped in bandages and gauze, and she had to cook microwave meals, and she could only use one hand, which was quite embarrassing.She still had the lingering cloud of fleas. Because of this, she moved again in July 1991, this time to room 206 in the Rochester apartment near Lin Shitong's home.The kitchen drawers are full of plastic tableware, and the things outside the body can be said to be the simplest.She sometimes complained about her skin problems and teeth, and Lin Shitong comforted her: "If the teeth are bad, pull them out! I also have toothaches, so pull them out and you'll be fine!" Zhang Ailing was slightly stunned, and said thoughtfully: "I haven't thrown away everything outside of me thoroughly enough!" Zhang Ailing turned 70 this year, and the wig she used changed from all black to black, gray and white, which is more age-appropriate.In her spare time, she stands in front of the window of a nearby store to look at the new clothes that have just changed seasons, just like standing arm in arm with her cousin in front of Joffre Road and looking at the window, her expression is still full of appreciation and yearning.The world is still full of flavors for her, and she can even indulge herself with a serving of pecan ice cream! She doesn't let anyone into her room, and often forgets to bring the key. She asks the Iranian female manager to open the door for her, and murmurs a few complaints along the way: "The door is too easy to close, too difficult to open, and the bathroom equipment is too difficult." Not good." The female manager was very upset and said: "I don't know what you are talking about! You have come to see the house!" Zhang Ailing insisted on her reasoning, and argued: "Some problems happen only when you use them! You can't see them!" The female manager wanted to go in and check for her, but she refused again, "No need! I can still At once!" She may be afraid of being seen messy in the house. For Zhang Ailing, who has a cleanliness, this is a very shameful thing.As soon as she got home she took off her wig and put on a turban to keep her warm.There are three or four similar wigs in the closet, some of which are her creations on old newspaper rolls in glass bottles.Her own hair under the wig is very short, and she can tell it was cut by herself at a glance, because she won't let others see it, so she doesn't care about the aesthetics. She likes to put commonly used things where she can see them without wasting effort to find them.So the kitchen is very messy, there are many things on the table, including the new Arden Time Capsule for skin care, she still has a lot of clothes and cosmetics. The TV is always on in the house, even if she goes out, she will not turn it off. When she comes back, someone's voice will greet her, but the real phone ringing will startle her.It was Lin Shitong who called. He was going on a business trip to Shanghai and asked Zhang Ailing if he had anything to ask him to do.Zhang Ailing was stunned for a long time on the phone.Shanghai——It seems like a world away, it is the memory of her previous life, people and things there are looking at her, maybe like seeing a ghost.She hung up the phone, and the setting sun outside the window just shone into her room. The things in the room were sparse and simple, as if they had just moved and hadn't been cleaned.On the TV, the newscaster’s barrage of English was getting farther and farther away. Sitting on her camp bed posted on the wall, Zhang Ailing seemed to be sitting on the bed in her aunt’s apartment. I heard the sound of jingling trams and the lively Shanghai dialect in the market.According to memory, she was going grocery shopping.The secluded and endless alleys, the Shaoxing opera floating from the window facing the street, these fragments faded in and out in her mind, until the light and shadow of the setting sun gradually moved away from her face, and she felt the coldness of the night. Under the lamp, she rummaged through the messy cardboard boxes and opened a waterproof brown paper bag, which contained her photo album.Open the photo album, the first one is her chubby face when she was three years old.Then there is her younger brother, grandmother, mother, her and aunt...the youthful years of her and Yanying...all of them are like yesterday, even clearer than what she actually did yesterday. She knew what was gone and what was to come, she just stood in the middle looking around, struggling.She put all the photos on the ground in chronological order that night.As if something was missing, she went to a Hollywood photo studio.Wearing a wig, his lips were painted with light silver lipstick, and a newspaper with "Chairman Kim Il Sung's sudden death" was rolled up and stuck to his cheeks.她是拍照老手，从年轻时就知道如何在相机前表现自己，现在年纪大了，也还是有当年玩弄镜头的幽默。手持报纸倒像绑匪寄给肉票家人的照片，证明她当天还活着。其实这倒也不是拟于不伦，有诗为证：人老了大都/是时间的俘虏/被圈禁禁足。它现时待张爱玲还好——当然也可以随时撕票。 张爱玲又病了，有气无力地躺在行军床上。超市送货员提着三袋东西上楼，按地址找到206房敲门：“我是Vons Pavillions的送货员！”他又敲了一次门，听见里面有动静，很缓慢。门开了一条缝，张爱玲一只手把钱递出来，另一只手拿东西，她没有露面，门自动又重重地关上。 她缓慢地移动到厨房放东西。想对账单却没有眼镜，还得到浴室拿，镜子里映出形容憔悴的自己，她不忍卒睹，只快速地瞥了一眼就走开。她做这一点事就已经很累了，躺回行军床上，外面太阳很好，但是她不能走出去。她随便选了个电视频道，弃置在那里当做背景声音。 她累了，要睡着了。天光在她脸上移动。她看见七岁的自己站在父亲面前大声地背诵《陋室铭》……天色暗一点的时候，她似乎又睁开眼来一次，仿佛瑞荷在旁边喊她起床：“Eileen！” 翻动身体，她又要睡去。姑姑公寓的电梯咕咚一响，她骤然惊醒，睁着眼，谁来了？她没换好衣服，要躲起来。她看见小时候的自己躲进母亲那一口大箱子，藏在里面。一声温柔的呼唤飘来，是母亲的声音：“小瑛！” 那是世界对她最后的一声呼唤。恍惚中她又像在船上，正飘洋过海来美国的途中，海水的光荡漾在她身上，远洋轮船的汽笛声从遥远处传来。