Chapter 30 Chapter Thirty

Years later, I still remember that it was a sunny afternoon, so bright it was almost unreal. And on days like this, I broke up with Junhan. There is the scent of flowers in the air, warmed by the sun, the cicadas are singing, and the butterflies are dancing in pairs.Everything is quiet and beautiful. And I, I want to break up with Junhan. It has been four years, and I have known Jun Han for four full years. I have been silently waiting for him, from the time he took the postgraduate entrance examination until he graduated with a master's degree. Then, he said that he planned to pursue a Ph. D., but did not give me a promise.Even, did not say love to me.

I asked him, the only time I ever asked him, "Do you love me?" However, he did not answer. My heart is dead. Jun Han never said he loved me. He clearly knows that as long as he says a word, I can go through fire and water for him and sacrifice my life.But he is, stingy with the simplest promise. Or, he took his feelings too seriously; or, he felt that it was not time to make a promise; or, he didn't love me... Such days are not only the pain of lovesickness, but also the humiliation of hesitation.While waiting and praying, my self-esteem and self-confidence were lost little by little.Only by leaving can I be myself again.

only to leave. Leaving Beijing, leaving Junhan, leaving the thought of him looking for him and waiting for him. So, I left. Very radically, not only bid farewell to Beijing, but also bid farewell to single life - in just one month, I made a quick decision to marry with a new journalist. He has only known me for three days, but he has already confessed clearly: "I love you." I don't know him well.But marriage does not require understanding.Only in love.So, I decided to marry him. On the night of our wedding, Jun Han called me for the first time since we broke up. The reporter picked it up—he's my husband now.

He handed me the phone: "I'm looking for you." A look of hesitation flashed in his eyes. The moment I answered the phone, I knew with a broken heart that it was Jun Han.It must be him. I didn't allow him to speak, and said, "I'm getting married today, please bless me." He froze. I urged, brutally, hoping to prove myself by hurting him. "Won't you bless me?" After a long time, he said, "Take care." It was me who hung up first. That was the first time I hung up Jun Han's call first. Not because of hate. No, I never hated him.

On the contrary, because, I still love him. The Buddhist scriptures say: From love comes sorrow, from love comes fear. I love Junhan, so I am afraid.Don't even dare to listen to what he said. I never knew what Jun Han wanted to say when he called me suddenly that night. I didn't ask. Don't ask, just imagine. But, I still want to know, has he ever loved me.Do you have? In the dream, I asked again and again: "Do you love me? Do you love me?" love me? Even if you are married, even if you know the answer, it can no longer change anything.However, I want to know. That's the only thing I miss about Girls' Generation.

love me? Gradually, I stopped crying for Jun Han. My life is becoming more and more ordinary, but stable. The reporter's husband was promoted to editorial review.The small house was replaced by a big one.Motorcycles replaced cars.I have no children, but I have two dogs.One male and one female. I really have a good life. Occasionally, I still think of Jun Han, the sunny afternoon, the warm fragrance of flowers, cicadas and butterflies in the air.The heart still aches in small pieces, but it is no longer torn. I just thought, over and over again, did he love me? love me? Girlishness is always poetry—lyric or prose.Romantic, refined and ever-changing.

The life of a young woman is a theoretical book, boring, long, and dull.Every day is so long, but so does a year. Before I knew it, it was four years. The time to achieve a Ph.D. Passing through Beijing on a business trip, I calmly dialed Junhan's phone. why not?Now that I still remember him, and, no longer cry for him. I arrived at the hotel ten minutes earlier than the appointment time, and while waiting for him, I remembered that afternoon again. Today is a cloudy day without bright sunshine, and my mood is calm. But again and again, uncontrollably, I think: Has he ever loved me?

love me? Jun Han arrives on time. He said: Punctuality is the virtue of the emperor. Junhan is never late. Junhan never lies, doesn't lie, doesn't speak foul language, doesn't smoke, drink, or gamble. I haven't seen him for four years, and he doesn't look old. He has gained a little weight, not much, but it is enough to make up for the handsomeness he had just four years ago. We had dinner, he ordered a draft beer, and I lit a 520 cigarette. Both parties couldn't help feeling a little bit emotional.Who said time goes without a trace?Even habits have changed. He asked, "When did you learn to smoke?"

I replied, "You learned it when you learned how to drink." I showed him the small hollow red heart on the cigarette butt, and told him: The brand of this cigarette is called "520", which means "I love you".Produced in Taiwan, all smuggled in, it is not easy to buy in the market. There is a small hollow red heart on the cigarette butt. There are twenty sticks in a pack of cigarettes, and there are twenty hearts. After dinner, we went for a walk in Youth Lake. The evening breeze was cool, so I stopped by the lake and asked, "Now, can you tell me the answer?"

"what?" "You know." I don't look at him, just look at the lake. "You know what I'm asking? I've always wanted to know the answer." Always, never forget. In fact, I don't care if he loves me or not.I just want to know.Even if you don't love, you still want to know clearly. But he still refused to answer me. The lake is also silent. 520 cigarettes drifting lonely in the air.Irregular smoke rings are like question marks. love me?love me? Then we parted ways. I only stayed in Beijing for three days. When I was leaving, I asked a girl I met online to meet at the station cafe.

Just as I was seated, my cell phone rang. It was Jun Han who asked me what time the car was leaving and wanted to see me off. I declined with a smile.Beijing is too big, the weather is too hot, and he is too busy. He has said everything he can say, and will never say anything that he has not said. I don't think there is any need to meet again. The girl read my story online, she knows who Jun Han is.Ask me: "Why did you say no? You really don't want to see him at all?" I laughed: "It's hard to say. But what I admire is the kind of man. When I refuse to see him off, he doesn't have to verbally pester him, but he will suddenly appear at the train station and say: I'm already here, where are you?" The girl laughed: "Such men are extinct. Now everywhere are people who use their tongues instead of their legs." The coffee is getting cold.My cell phone rang again, it was still Jun Han. "I've arrived at Beijing Railway Station, which floor are you on?" I was surprised: "But, I'm at the West Railway Station!" The phone disconnected again.And my heart is like a six-stringed violin being quickly plucked by a good player with his fingers, shaking endlessly. If there is a person in this world who is shaped according to my ideal, gentle, elegant, quiet, knowledgeable, and has truly noble sentiments, that is him. However, he doesn't love me. I raised my wrist, and it was less than an hour before I left the car, and the distance between Beijing Railway Station and West Railway Station was far away. I think we are still on the same side after all. Instead, there is a little joy in my heart.Vague, indefinite little joys. Maybe, it's because I've always been afraid to face it.If you don't meet each other, you don't need to entangle and ask, and you don't need to be lost and bewildered-do you love me? But since this minute, my phone has been ringing again and again: "I've arrived at the front gate, and there's a bit of a traffic jam. If you can't make it in time, you should stop first, and I'll look for you on the platform." "I'm already at the station." "I'm getting out of the car." I looked at my watch, it was only ten minutes before I left the car, tears were about to come out, and I said, "I'm about to get in the car." The ticket gate is empty, and the ticket inspector hangs out the stop inspection sign. I stopped her and begged: "Give me another minute, please!" The last, almost desperate minute. Finally, I picked up my luggage and walked towards the ticket gate with difficulty. When I looked back for the last time, Jun Han finally appeared at the door of the waiting hall. Every woman has a white horse in her mind, maybe getting it is not the goal, she should be satisfied when she meets it. The netizen girl handed out the platform ticket in time, and said at the same time: This is really a classic plot that only appears in movies.The music should all be on. But this isn't a movie after all. So there is no music, only the urging of sirens and the bustling voices of people at the station. We rushed to the platform at the speed of a 100-meter sprint, and we didn't even look at each other for a moment. I wouldn't decide to stay because of that, and we didn't embrace warmly. This is just an ordinary send-off in mortal life.The train will not be delayed because of our story, just like when I broke up with Jun Han, the sky will not match my sadness and suddenly pour rain. When I get on the car ladder, turn around.He said, "Take care." I didn't dare to look him in the eyes, for fear that the tears would become uncontrollable, and four years of hard work would be wasted. But the heart, the heart is so soft, it melts inch by inch and turns into water. The train left on time. Through the glass, I saw his slightly fat figure on the platform, but he was still so handsome and elegant, just like when I first saw him. I looked at him fascinated, hoping to stare like this forever. But eternity is never just a moment. Finally the train turned a corner and there was nothing to see. And the setting sun was like a fire, and it couldn't avoid it and hit me head-on. I fell down on the sleeper, my heart was wandering, my thoughts were galloping like ten thousand horses, but I clearly didn't have a clear concept, I just felt like crying. No, don't cry.I have grown up, and I have paid the price for this growth. No, repeat sad history again. I close my eyes. His figure, his handsome face, with a little sweat, his eyes lit up the moment they touched me. That scene will become a freeze frame in my memory.Since then, it will replace the bright to cruel sunshine in the afternoon. Ten minutes later, I remembered the plastic bag Jun Han handed me before driving. It is nothing more than some snacks such as juice and snacks to pass the long journey, but there is also a small bag, which is very delicately packaged. I held it up as if holding my own heart. Is it the heart? I looked out the window, the sunset was far away. Then, I gently, gently opened the package, like peeling off the petals of a rose. At the flower core, there are two packs of cigarettes quietly——520! 520 - I love you! I couldn't bear it any longer, covered my face, and the tears finally flowed down silently...