Chapter 2 PART Su Banxia

Every time, she would dream that she was flying. Flying in the desperate and lonely darkness, endless suffocation enveloped him, his vision was gray, and there was a crackling sound in his ears, like the beating of his temples, or the humming of his heart. Lower your head to see the dark world below. Only the cold lights remained bright. A piece of yellow, a piece of sadness. Then…… With a "plop--", she fell straight from a high altitude to the ground, on the hard stone surface of the street, without pain or fear of dying. Because she knew it was a dream. Dream…… It had always been just a dream.

Pinellia, you have to hate this world.Hate everything, everyone, including yourself. She has always been a very dull person. It can also be called "cool", that is called "indifference", or that is called "personality". However, Su Banxia is indeed such a dull and dangerous girl, this point, even she herself knows deeply and clearly. "Oh, I'm dying! Why are you wearing that disgusting white dress again?" As soon as she sat down at the dinner table and picked up the bowls and chopsticks, the grandmother's sharp, thin but obviously deteriorating voice came from the opposite side, which made Su Banxia frowned slightly unconsciously, and her throat was suddenly congested.

Su Banxia didn't pay attention, but continued to bury her head, picking up the rice in the bowl mouthful. "Yo Yo Yo, you will keep silent and pretend to be dumb! I really don't know what I owed you in my previous life. I pulled a dead face all day long. Who are you showing it to? Wearing that unlucky white dress again, Just like your dead mother who sweeps Bastards! Do you want to kill me, so you will be happy? Oh, what a crime, what a crime..." The grandmother repeated endlessly, repeating it countless times every day Su Banxia's ears were buzzing. endlessly. Like a leech, it penetrates into the eardrum, into the skin, and into any cell in the body.

Suppurates, stinks, and gradually rots. "I'm full." Su Banxia put down the bowl and chopsticks and let out a deep snort, then grabbed the schoolbag on the chair and opened the door. Suddenly, she paused as if remembering something, then turned around and said, " Old woman, you have no right to scold my mother. The one who will die is not me, but you." The long road is like black mandala vines spreading on both sides of the street lamps. Early morning fog filled the streets. Gray vision, gray sky. The faint stars have not disappeared, but remain between the low clouds, shining so strangely and darkly.

The street sweepers in blue uniforms and white masks still appeared there on time, holding the uneven broom tightly in their dirty gloves, rubbing against the ground expressionlessly, making disgusting noises rustle. "Srustling—" "Srustling—" The thick and heavy voice seemed so depressing, so feeble. As soon as Su Banxia closed the door, the trash can slammed on the door with a "bang--" and the sound of splashing around was still quietly permeating in her ears, intertwined like suffocation Heaping up, followed by the furious clamor of the old woman from inside the door:

"You want to piss me off! You shameless bastard! Curse me to death, how dare you curse me to death?! White-eyed wolf! Little bitch! Just like your mother, that slut! Run away after killing my son Come and kill me! Get out! Get out immediately! Ouch, don’t come back here and die outside if you have the ability! Just die!” In the corridor, a middle-aged woman poked her head out and glanced at Su Banxia with disgust, and then showed a hideous face of "I'm noisy all day long, is it annoying, I'm going to die if I die". Su Banxia raised her face, glanced at the middle-aged woman who turned around and walked up the corridor, gritted her teeth, and made a small "creaking" sound, then she patted the white hair exposed outside the uniform. The pleated skirt of the skirt, the schoolbag is slung over the slightly slender left shoulder, and the chest is straightened out to the end of the corridor.

The dim light beside the street soaked her expressionless but still beautiful face, and in the thin morning mist, she stubbornly sniffed. The empty streets, the air as cool as water. The outline of her back is as lonely and pale as a silhouette of a white paper. Shadowy sadness scattered all over the ground. In the distance at the end of the world, who is there whispering and calling?Every fragment of the past will always appear in Su Banxia's mind, it's like a repertoire that will never be marked with an end. The jumping clown struggled on the stage like a clown, pleasing every audience in the audience.

miserable life. Miserable world. Going through these days over and over again, sometimes, Su Banxia often wonders if her heart has stopped beating, and occasionally, holding her heart, she will feel twisted and twisted one after another, as if it swelled to an explosion. Is the voice that disgusts her a sign of being alive? I no longer remember where she was born.A certain fragment of memory was sent to the vicious grandmother by her father, and then she began to grow up like a cruel crack. In the hot summer, the cicadas perched on the willow trees sang the sound of "Zhizhi" tirelessly.Large chunks of flowing clouds floated in the gray sky, and occasionally flocks of unknown birds would pass by, as if even the last bit of hope and life here had been taken away by their wings.

Thus, the narrow light and shadow lived in Su Banxia's desolate and quiet memory. She closed her eyes, and everything like this, bit by bit, drop by drop, like an hourglass, went on and on again and again, with no end, and there would be no end in the end. Sometimes when returning from school, Su Banxia would always stand under the attic and look up at the place where she lived.The gray low and dilapidated attic, with blurred outlines, is long and narrow. The dark corridors are full of damp and tattered clothes, trousers, and faded underwear and panties washed by women. Crowding from house to house in a space darker than the dark night, the peeling paint on the door, the shriveled melon seed skins scattered on the door, or someone’s leftover food directly sprinkled in the corridor coldly, so There is always a disgusting rancid smell and stench in the corridor of the attic.

It hurts the eyes. This is how she grows inch by inch in this kind of place. Three years ago, he witnessed his mother who was having an affair crash and commit suicide in a car. Three years ago, he witnessed his father, who was a suspect, being handcuffed and taken into a police car. Su Banxia already knew that by her side, there was only the vicious grandmother, that's all. Although she sometimes wants to kill her, this feeling is very strong. Since my mother committed suicide, since my father went to prison, and since I came to my grandmother's "home", everything seemed like a big conspiracy, instantly destroying the beautiful candy box.

So, Su Banxia watched those sweet candies roll down one after another from the exquisite box. Falling on the wet and cold ground, stained with gloom and sickening obscurity. Her existence was completely forgotten, ignored, and ridiculed by everyone. It's just like-- Whenever Su Banxia returns to the attic after school, she will always hear whispered discussions behind her, full of disdain and repulsion, so that it becomes an obvious "disgust": "Tsk tsk tsk, she's really pretty. I don't know if she is like her mother, seducing other people's husbands indiscriminately, rotten person!" "If you want me to say, that kid from the Su family is really useless. He has been cuckolded and lived with that woman for so many years. Oh, he made himself go to prison. It's really terrible! I don't even know what it is It’s not my own, maybe it’s still helping others to raise their children! Hahaha..." "Who said no, tsk tsk, who made Mrs. Su's mouth not accumulate virtue! This is retribution! Hmph, look at that girl's boredom, the whole thing is a gourd." Numbness filled Su Banxia's whole body. It was as if they were talking about other people's affairs, and she—had no sense. Su Banxia pursed the corners of her mouth silently, that's it!Since he is powerless to fight against this world, then let it be. Su Banxia's heart is being eroded by various poisons little by little every day, and before she knows it, she begins to sink in hatred with everything around her. Just like what her mother told her when she was young: Ban Xia, you have to hate this world, everything, everyone. Including—herself. When Su Banxia walked to the school, the sky had completely lit up.Such a brilliant and bright sky seems to be out of harmony with this world at all. Sixteen years old, the last year of middle school.It is still meaninglessly and slowly passing by. For Su Banxia, ​​every place in the school will not be worthy of her nostalgia. classroom. playground. stadium. Etc., etc. It's the same everywhere you go, tired and full of fermented or distilled flavors.Girls love to make up and paint their nails, make their hair into various shapes and dye them in various colors, and curl them back and forth with curling irons.The desks are full of "Fashion", "Beauty Expert" magazines, colorful nail polish, and a variety of snacks. If you use two words to describe them, then it is: superficial. Boys use all kinds of scented hairsprays to mess with their hair, making them stand up one by one, making them no different from hedgehogs. When they see beautiful girls, they will blow them on their backs Whistle sharply, or walk over to strike up a conversation shamelessly, even if you are scolded bloody, you will grin your mouth behind your ears and giggle. If there were two words to describe them, it would be: frivolous. However, this boring and nauseating life is coming to an end soon. One day, she was convinced it would all end. Yes, not a person in a world. And those who can feed their stomachs full every day, and can also sleep in a warm room with the air conditioner on after drinking milk. Although they are kind, they will occasionally talk about their parents who are by their side, and they still take it for granted. Those people who exist are not from the same world. At least in the eyes of the teachers, she is indeed a person from a different world. —Do you know why I called you to the office? --Ok. ——Come on, Su Banxia, ​​why did you beat classmate Zhuang Xiaobei? --I do not want to say. ——Hmph, what don't you want to say, I don't think you dare to say it! --No. ——Alright, then tell me, why did you beat classmate Zhuang Xiaobei?what is the reason?Give me a suitable reason!Otherwise you don't even think about it! —she insulted me. --insult?What insult are you talking about? How could the word "insult" exist among classmates?You must have done something amazing!Zhuang Xiaobei is the class monitor, of course she wants to help you!No matter what, you can't beat your classmates!say!why do not you talk? ! --I have nothing to say. ——Su Banxia, ​​what is your attitude? !Talk to the teacher like that?Do you have a tutor?Go, go, find your parents! Get your parents here! When hearing this sentence, Su Banxia couldn't help smiling bitterly indifferently, what a ridiculous statement.Why do teachers always like to find other people's parents?Will this solve my own problem?However, she's not that stupid, she's not that weak, she won't go to that vicious old woman to come to school to see her jokes. Walking out of the office, Su Banxia lowered her head, pursed the corners of her pale mouth, and then walked outside the teaching building. She didn't want to go back, she didn't want to go back to the classroom, she didn't want to go anywhere. If possible, she just wants to go to a place where no one can find her, and sleep there forever. But is there such a place? Su Banxia walked around the prison-like teaching building silently, the white skirt that had been washed so old was exposed from under the uniform, and the folds were like flowers and leaves, unfolding thread by thread.The physical education class of a certain class is taking basketball as an elective, so loud laughter bursts out endlessly in my ears. The noisy voice made her feel extremely bored, so she frowned her slender eyebrows. There are small but delicate flowers blooming tenaciously on the playground of fine yellow sand. White, pure, beautiful. Some dazzling. Su Banxia bent down slowly, staring at the white flowers at her feet, the same white skirts were scattered all over the floor. Such soft oval flowers also desperately exist in this dirty world, gently twirling the petals as thin as sandpaper, and the water drops splashed on the face like broken pieces, icy and seeped into the skin. skin. But-- But why does it exist in this world like this? Among these countless flowers, what exactly does it want to get? So thinking like this, her fingertips pinching the petals and roots began to ache. no trace. Black nail polish revealed its fragrance in the air. Seeing such white flowers, she immediately remembered that when she was a child, her mother always wore a beautiful white dress that was as dazzling as a cloud. It was so beautiful, and the way she smiled at her seemed to burn her eyes. In her memory, her mother was pure white, like a sacred and inviolable goddess. It's just me, no matter how much I want to imitate my mother wearing a white skirt, I still look ridiculous like a clown. Closing her eyes, she gently kissed the white flower between her hands. "—So you are here." Startled slightly by the sudden voice, Su Banxia turned her head, but did not see the person behind her.She stood up and looked around for a while, and then saw the boy running towards her from the playground, with a slightly dignified expression. He was holding a basketball in his hand, crystal beads of sweat rolled down drop by drop on his fair cheeks, and his scattered bangs were slightly attached to his forehead in strands, so he looked into his pair of star-like pure eyes. Under the strong light, she narrowed her eyes and slowly moved the corners of her lips. Dazzling and bright light refracted from the glass windows next to the corridor, jumping brightly on the bright and beautiful faces of the boy and the girl, with specks of light dangling back and forth, as if transparent butterflies flew over and landed on it, Fitted and overlapped. "——Why don't you deny it?" The boy Ke Jiang's tone was obviously reproachful and anxious. Before Su Banxia could speak, she heard the other party's almost roaring words, "Are you going to do it like this?" Hanging around in school with a scapegoat on your back? Come on, my eldest lady, I’m going to be promoted to high school soon, do you think it will be fun if you get demerited?!” Su Banxia looked at Ke Jiang, hesitated for a few seconds about his expression at the moment, shrugged his shoulders lightly as if he thought it was funny, and said, "It doesn't matter, anyway, I don't plan to go to high school." Such a flat tone. As if he had nothing to do with his tone. What a joke! Ke Jiang involuntarily clenched her slender, fair fingers. "Why did it become like this... Zhuang Xiaobei must be talking nonsense everywhere, Banxia, ​​you don't help socialize, right?" Ke Jiang stared at Su Banxia closely, frowning slightly, afraid Her answer was the opposite of what he had imagined. But what if the answer is the opposite? "In short, that's it." Su Banxia tossed her black hair, pursed the corners of her mouth, and did not admit it. However, she did not deny it either. "—Just, do you believe it?" "..." He didn't answer. As if she had already guessed such a result, the girl's tone was full of disdain and even jokes: "—so I said, that's it." The dandelion seeds that were accidentally blown by the wind passed slowly in the distance above the head. Spin, then stop, and sleep quietly in an unknown corner. "..." Ke Jiang was speechless for a moment. Regarding Su Banxia's expression and tone at the moment, Ke Jiang frowned a little unconvinced. He rubbed his hair that shimmered because it was sprayed with hairspray. The shape of the tail ring is complicated and eye-catching, shining brightly in the sun, "Ban Xia, listen to me, no matter what, you still have to go to high school, you must go, let others say what they like They're going to talk..." "Forget it." Su Banxia raised her head and waved her hands. She glanced at Ke Jiang, then turned and walked forward slowly, "I want to work to earn money. If I go to high school, I won't have time to do this. So, I don’t think there is a need to waste tuition fees.” "make money?" "--Ok." "Why do you want to work to make money? Ah, is it... Is there something you want?" Ke Jiang's pupils lit up, and he hurriedly grabbed her arm. The skin was so cold, it was even biting bone-piercing, and his fingers immediately hurt. Ke Jiang obviously wanted to say the phrase "I can lend you money", but in the next second, Su Banxia's eyes and words made Ke Jiang swallow the words abruptly from her throat and back to her stomach inside. There was a "click", and then the sun disappeared. "—It's really the young master's idea!" Her tone was full of sarcasm and banter. Moreover, she deliberately accentuated the pronunciation of the three words "little", "young", and "yeah", and they gathered together in a hostile manner into a word full of sharp thorns, which pierced straight into his eyes and eyes. chest cavity. then-- Ke Jiang's heart suddenly seemed to have a fat worm wriggling desperately at the vein gate. Inch by inch, it began to sink in rhythmically. Su Banxia didn't speak anymore, but looked at Ke Ren who was standing there and smiled slightly, expressionless smile, blunt and pale smile, almost unreal smile. Then, she turned around and walked step by step towards the dark end of the corridor. The world suddenly lost its sound, and also lost its direction, and everything returned to darkness. A certain string in Ke Jiang's heart broke. In fact, it is like this!There is already no way out. How can there be so many sweet words in TV dramas, how can there be so many dry things in TV dramas, if the nerves have been numb, then doing something is the same definition, isn't it? Just like birds inhabiting swamps, heaven and hell will only be drawn with the same equal sign. All memories will be taken away. All memories will be overwritten. When Su Banxia walked out of the teaching building, she just raised her head and looked up at the sunny sky. Because of the strong light, she would squint her eyes in an instant, and everything that was dark was suddenly penetrated by the bright light. There seems to be a fault-like blind spot on the retina. After closing the eyes, the whole world returns to silence again. lifeless. The cell phone in her pocket suddenly made a "tick-tick" sound. A short message from Ke Jiang. "Think about it again, Ban Xia, please." What a typical tone of a "little master" who likes to play tricks and pester others. Su Banxia stared at the handwriting on the green screen of the mobile phone, flickering, with a monotonous but beautiful smile on her lips, but suddenly her vision blurred, tears fell on the screen of the mobile phone one by one, smashed hard. She squatted on the ground with her arms in her arms, crying inexplicably.There is the whistling wind in my ears, mixed with the rustling of willows, cicadas and the rolling of basketballs on the playground. How am I going to love this world.