Chapter 22 Chapter 22: Zhuan Fu Extra Story

I still dream of that scene countless times. She slowly stretched out her hand and said to me softly: "Zhuan Fu, come, I am your concubine mother." I heard that my mother died for giving birth to me, so I was brought up by the empress of Yunchen Palace since I was sensible. The empress of Yunchen Palace has no children, but she doesn't care much about me. I think this is probably because I am not her own. I think my mother must be a humble, unknown or even unpopular person, because I have never heard of her being remembered. Occasionally, when the empress of Yunchen Palace is angry with me, she will say fiercely that I am "that hateful woman's mother." son".

Father Huang didn't pay attention to me, I only saw him from a distance a few times. But even though my mother is really humble, even if she is really unfavored, I have always missed her deeply. What does mother look like?Is the figure thin or plump?What kind of clothes does she like to wear? Is she also scented like the empress of Yunchen Palace? But no one can answer me, even the nanny said that she didn't know, so I would stroke the faded picture of a lady for a long time before going to bed, I would imagine her as my mother, and then I'd say good night to her and put it carefully next to the pillow.

When I was a child, I only remembered that the empress of Yunchen Palace was indifferent to me and would never accept the hand I extended to her. Later, when I knew how to be mischievous, she hated and scolded me. The nanny comforted me, saying that many women in the harem resented for not being favored by the emperor. But the empress of Yunchen Palace only punished me for what I did, but never told me what I should do and what I should not do.I just like climbing trees, catching crickets, and playing with mud. In winter, I like to build snowmen. Sometimes when I get angry, I will take off the hairpin and pierce me.

Afterwards, I would be fined to kneel in the most secluded and darkest room in Yunchen Palace, not allowed to eat dinner, and shivering from the cold. I would cry and beg for mercy until I was so tired that I fell asleep on the ground. Later, I didn't dare to be naughty anymore, I just sat numbly every day, sometimes I would look out the window in a daze.Even the maids of Yunchen Palace would sometimes say "The Fourteenth Prince is stupid", "The Fourteenth Prince is dumb", it seems that this is exactly what they would like to see. At that time, I never thought of complaining, because I have been like this since I was born, but at a young age, I felt that this was the same for my whole life, as if it was my own sin, and as a child without a mother, I deserved to suffer like this.

Until the winter when I was eight years old, I met my mother. She was not a queen at that time, but her power at that time even surpassed that of the queen of the main palace, and she also had the unprecedented title of noble concubine. The empress of Yunchen Palace was in a particularly good mood that day, and when she came back, she did not forget to discuss excitedly with the maid: "Hey, did you hear that when I greeted you this morning, the imperial concubine praised me for being delicate..." "Isn't it?" the maids around said flatteringly, "It seems that the imperial concubine admires the empress..."

The empress of Yunchen Hall was even more happy when she heard that, "Really? If she is really reused by the imperial concubine in the future, then there is nothing to be afraid of, and there is no need to be angry with the concubine next door..." In my impression, the empress of Yunchen Palace has always been serious and cold. I never thought that today I would feel so honored because of a random compliment from the imperial concubine. I have never seen such an expression of admiration. The empress of Yunchen Palace was thinking about it happily, but when she saw me, her face sank again, and she said annoyedly: "Why does this child always look half-dead? It's disappointing to watch! Get out, don't interfere I'm so excited!"

I bowed to her and walked out numbly, followed by their continued whispers of excited discussion. It turned out that it was already snowing outside, and the weather was a bit cold, and I could clearly see the white breath I exhaled.I left without my cloak on, but I didn't want to go back lest I be scolded again. I stepped on the snow and walked a little bit to cheer myself up. Didn't it happen to be able to make a snowman when I was driven out! So I came to Feidongyuan, where the snow had accumulated so thickly that it could be used by me. I found a suitable place and piled up the snow little by little. Seeing that the snowman piled up higher and higher, I worked harder and harder to dig the snow.I don't know why I'm so crazy, my hands are almost purple from the cold, and I'm so numb that I can't feel the cold and tingling sensation.

At this time, I vaguely heard the creaking sound of someone stepping on the snow in front of me. I looked up. The first thing I saw was a pair of thick-soled flower pot shoes that were the most popular in the palace at that time, then the fiery red brocade with intricate golden patterns, then the fur cloak that I couldn't tell whether it was fox fur or mink fur at the time, and finally the That delicate and beautiful face is a thousand times more beautiful than that of the empress of Yunchen Palace. I still remember every detail of my first meeting with her. She was followed by many attendants, all of whom were well-dressed. I was intimidated by the scene at the time.Thinking that they are the same harem women as Yunchen Palace Empress, my heart is full of fear and vigilance.

I'm playing in the snow here, are they going to punish me?I looked at them timidly. But I saw her stretch out her hand slowly, and said softly: "Zhuan Fu, come, I am your concubine mother." That gentle smile was actually brighter than the winter sun. She led my dirty little hand all the way to Jujiu Palace and never let go. On the way, I met many servants and concubines from the harem. They all saluted her in fear. She led me past them proudly. I turned around quietly and found that they were also looking at me in surprise and talking about it. what. When I came to Jujiu Palace, I was even more at a loss.

This is Jujiu Palace... It is many times more magnificent and luxurious than Yunchen Palace.I looked up at her secretly, thinking what a remarkable woman must be living here... She said just now that she is my concubine mother. Could it be that she is really my mother?I quickly denied my own thoughts, how could she have a son as old as me at such a young age.Why did she say that? The servants of Jujiu Palace came out to greet her, and they were equally surprised when they saw me. One of the palace servants who seemed to be of a higher status asked, "Miss, this child is...you are..."

"Sweet, give the child a scrub, and then ask someone to make some snacks." She did not answer anyone, but ordered briefly. The palace servants quickly went down to prepare, she dragged me to the small bed, and then said to me in a gentle tone: "Fu'er, sit down." How dare I disobey, and immediately sat there upright. At this time, a maid came forward to wipe my face and hands with a wet towel scalded with hot water, and my body was rigidly at their mercy. She must have noticed my nervousness, smiled at me and said, "Fu'er, you don't have to be so reserved. From now on, you will live here with me." I muttered for a long time, and then whispered: "But I have to go back before dinner... If I go back late, the empress of Yunchen Palace will punish me..." I don't know if I said something ridiculous, but she smiled after hearing this, "From Yunchen Palace? You don't have to worry about this, haven't I told you, you will live in this Jujiu Palace from now on." Live in such a big palace?live with her?This is simply beyond my imagination. "Listen, a man will come over during dinner later, he is your father, the current emperor, do you know how to speak to him when you see him?" Before I fully recovered, my father appeared so close to me for the first time. He was wearing a red nine dragon robe that day, and his body was infused with the good-smelling incense specially designed for emperors. He walked in surrounded by many eunuchs and court maids, and he was so majestic. "Concubine Ai, you still look bright and charming today, how are you feeling today?" Father Emperor said to Queen Mother as soon as he entered the door. "Everything is fine, my concubine, thank you for your concern." At this time, the emperor noticed me standing beside the queen mother, showing a surprised expression. I followed what my mother taught me before, and performed a meeting ceremony, because I was too nervous, my voice was not loud, and I was a little hesitant, "Father, father is auspicious." Seeing that the father was in a daze, the queen mother smiled and said, "Your Majesty, don't you remember? This is the fourteenth prince Zhuan Fu." "But……" "Fu'er," the queen mother turned her head and said softly to me, "the snacks in the small kitchen are ready, go and taste them first." Then I left under the leadership of Gong'e. I am still confused about what happened, and I feel uneasy about Father Huang's attitude.But soon I was attracted by the exquisite snacks in front of me. At that time, children were greedy, and I had never had the opportunity to enjoy it like that before, so I ate it regardless. At that time, the empress mother really doted on the harem, and the emperor father did not favor other concubines. People in the palace said that their husband and wife were deeply affectionate, and their love was like Tang Minghuang and Yang Guifei. When the father is not here, the mother usually spends time playing piano, chess, calligraphy and painting, and often holds lively banquets in the harem. Everyone treats the queen mother with trepidation, but the queen mother has never been stern in front of me. On the contrary, she always smiles at me and asks me questions with concern. In Jujiu Palace, I ate delicious food that I had never eaten before, wore luxurious clothes that I had never worn before, and even received the love of my father, and I know that all of these were bestowed on me by my mother.It's just that behind this luxury, I feel unreal and unreal, and sometimes I even feel scared. One day when I went to visit my mother, the lady who waited at the door seemed to have been sent away, and the surroundings were a little quiet. When I approached, I heard low voices in the room. I hid behind a pillar. It seemed to be Aunt Shanshan's voice. I only heard Aunt Shanshan say: "Miss, I still don't understand why you adopted the fourteenth prince. That child always keeps his head down when he sees people, and he doesn't like to talk. He also does things quietly and timidly. It's frightening to look at when it's weird." My heart skipped a beat, bad, if Aunt Shanshan said this to me, she would definitely hate me and drive me away.In the past, the empress of Yunchen Hall punished me, and never made me so afraid. "Good." Softly, the voice of the queen mother, "The reason why the child is like that is because he has suffered a lot before. If the child who has lived happily since childhood will not be like that, nor will I be like this." Then she He changed into a very firm tone and said: "Zhuan Fu is my son, I like him and love him. Shan, how can I be happy when you say that about my son?" Aunt Shanshan over there seemed to be speechless. I eavesdropped on this passage outside the door, and I burst into tears for some reason, squatting down and crying quietly. We caught catkins in Qinchunyuan in spring, played piano music in Meixiayuan in summer, picked up autumn leaves in Shangqiuyuan in autumn, and piled up snowmen in Feidongyuan in winter... What a peaceful and happy time it was Ah. Later, the queen committed a crime and was sentenced, and the mother queen naturally became a queen. It is no wonder that the father favors the queen mother so much, because she is not only beautiful, but also talented, with profound attainments in poetry, calligraphy, painting, music, singing and dancing.I am amazed all the time, in the eyes of a child like me, she is simply supernatural. It seems impossible for such a queen mother to have any unsatisfactory things, but sometimes she will be silent, not knowing what she is thinking, and sometimes her eyes will inadvertently reveal some sadness.I asked her, "What's wrong with you, Queen Mother?" She just patted my head and said, "It's nothing." After my mother became a queen, the people in the harem were more in awe when they saw me. "The queen really has tricks. She doesn't have a son, so she got a prince who has no background to be her son. At the beginning, I was still wondering why she was so kind. It seems that every step is a chess game." "Look at her ruthlessness, she deserves to be unable to have a child. How can the adopted one compare with the biological one, and besides, they can't be regarded as legitimate sons?" "Strictly speaking, it's really not... But don't forget, the emperor loves her so much, maybe it's considered true? If the emperor recognizes someone, what can he say?" "It's still possible for you to say that. Poor fourteenth prince, I really thought the queen regarded him as her son, but she just wanted to use him..." "It's hard to say that. Maybe the fourteenth prince has a heart, but is it just hypocrisy?" "Oh, my sister is right. Anyway, it has nothing to do with us. Let's just watch the show..." When I went to the back garden, I heard two concubines in the harem whispering under a big tree. Maybe I should be very sad when I heard this, but I didn’t.On the contrary, I feel at ease and a little bit happy. I have always wondered why my mother adopted me, a helpless and down-and-out prince, and even made me feel guilty for her kindness to me, but it turns out that I am not useless to her, but this is enough to make me happy. I am willing to be a pawn in her hand, just to make her smile a little. One day I went to pay my respects after leaving the school, only to see my queen mother leaning on the bed disgruntled, with a bad look on her face, which is very rare. Seeing me coming, the queen mother stood up and sat up. I walked forward quickly and asked worriedly, "What's the matter with you, queen mother? Are you sick?" She shook her head, but she vomited when she was about to speak, and hurriedly found the copper pot in the ground and vomited. I hurriedly stepped forward to pat her on the back, and asked repeatedly: "Queen Mother, what's wrong with you, what's the matter? Do you want to see the imperial physician?" It just so happened that Aunt Shanshan came in with a decoction, walked up to the front of the mother and said to her: "Miss, this medicine is ready, drink it and you may feel better." Then she saw my panicked look and smiled. He explained: "Prince Fourteen, don't worry, the young lady is not sick, she is...she is sick." Embarrassed?I couldn't react for a while. Aunt Shanshan laughed at me and said, "It's just that you have a child. From now on, you will be able to play with many little brothers." This sentence is like a bolt from the blue.That's not news that makes me happy. I looked at my mother again, she seemed a little embarrassed, with a faint blush on her face. The pregnancy makes the queen mother very happy, so I should too... But, what should I do?Mother, will you abandon me? People around me seem to be happy about the mother's pregnancy, and I am the same on the surface, but I am in extreme contradictions in my heart.I hope that the queen mother can give birth to a prince as she wished, but sometimes when I think about myself, I hope that the queen mother will give birth to a little emperor. Even if the queen mother gave birth to Di Ji, wouldn't it be enough to have me?I swear that I will be your good son, and even more filial to you than my own. Later, the mother gave birth to a boy, and the child had everything at birth.His father was the emperor who ruled the world, and his mother was the queen who loved the harem very much. She was orthodox and had a noble blood. She was established as a prince not long after, which made many people's eyes red with envy. "Fu'er, look, this is your younger brother Cheng'er." The queen mother said to me. I took the child from the nanny's hand, hugged him carefully, and silently said to Cheng'er why your life is so good, how much I want to be the mother's own son. "Fu'er..." The queen mother called me softly, I raised my head to look at her, and she said: "Fu'er, my mother's pregnancy has neglected you a while ago, and I feel that you have been silent. Don't deny it, I am your mother , How could I not see it. Now I am the mother of two sons. Cheng'er is my son, and you are also my good son. You don't have to worry too much, understand?" She said seriously that she was the mother of two sons, without the slightest hesitation.I suddenly felt ashamed that my previous thoughts were so dark. It was also from then on that I found my true belonging, and I no longer hesitated, hesitated, or anxious, because I knew that my mother was by my side and would never abandon me.She loves me, loves me purely like a mother, and has nothing to do with taking advantage of me. After untying the knot in my heart, I thought that we would live happily together forever, my father, my mother, me, and my younger brother Cheng'er. I secretly felt guilty, was it because I prayed to the Buddha not to let the mother give birth to a boy when the mother was pregnant, but the Buddha heard it too late, so he took Cheng'er away, and Cheng'er died in a summer rainstorm night. Then I don't know why the relationship between the father, the emperor, and the mother, who was enviable in the past, also broke down. At that time, the queen mother was extremely haggard, almost going to follow Cheng'er.The bustling and bustling Fengyi Palace suddenly became lifeless, and the palace people who stayed were also moaning and sighing all day long. The queen mother lost weight, her face was pale, and her voice was weak, and sometimes tears rolled down from her reddened eye sockets as she spoke. Such a mother, with such a delicate body, who keeps crying but bites her lips tightly, is so lovable.I can't think of how in the world it is possible for a man to be so cruel and indifferent to such a queen mother? I want to be the pillar of the queen mother, I want to be a little man to support the queen mother.I begged my mother to teach me how to play the piano, so that she would have no time to suffer, and I could play the piano to her when she was sad. It was a difficult time, the desolate Fengyi Palace was neglected by the entire harem, and even the normal food and clothing could not be guaranteed.But at that time, the queen mother didn't have to socialize with the harem anymore, and the emperor didn't come any more. I was with the queen mother every day. At that time, the queen mother belonged to me alone, but it was a memorable time for me. Later, the queen mother was favored again, and then the queen mother gave birth to Jiuzhen, and many things happened later. The longer I stayed with her, the more amazed that such a person, especially such a woman, existed in the world, and the wisdom of the queen mother And the strategy makes me more and more admire and sigh. In the end, my father died of illness because of being too superstitious about longevity. My brothers began to fight openly and secretly over who should inherit the throne, at least I never thought it was me.On the one hand, I am young and have no prestige, and I am not on the same level as the brothers above. On the other hand, I only hope to be a prince who has no worries about food and clothing, without disputes, and lives peacefully with the queen mother. So I couldn't believe it when the eunuch read out my name in the edict with a high-pitched voice. I felt a tinge of fear as I walked along the crowd.When I came to the queen mother, I felt my body trembling slightly.How could it be me?Is this the meaning of the father, or the meaning of the mother? At this moment, the queen mother put her hand on my shoulder, I paused, and instantly understood that the queen mother gave me the throne. The phrase "I don't want to be the emperor" can't be said suddenly, and I can't go against my mother's wishes. At this time, the Prime Minister on the right shouted: "Long live the new emperor!" There was a echoing voice all around. I looked up at my mother, who had a slight smile on her face, a real smile. I depend on my mother, trust my mother, and admire my mother. I am happy because of her joy and sad because of her sadness. I think it is a deep mother-child relationship.But since when did I gradually realize that my love for my mother is between a man and a woman? It may have started from a dream. Not long after I ascended the throne that year, a new orchid from the Western Regions was presented outside the palace, with snow skin and blue eyes. This orchid dressed boldly and danced very passionately. She was wearing a bright red tight dance gown with half sleeves, revealing a white and smooth arm like a lotus root, dancing in the center of the hall. I watched it very carefully, and the queen mother seemed to like this dancer very much, so I heard her say to Aunt Shanshan next to her, "This dancer is really good. The dances in the palace in the past are too boring. Let her go." Stay in the palace, and I can often watch her dance in the future." The dinner was a joyful one, and I was persuaded to drink some wine during the dinner, and returned to my bedroom slightly drunk. After being washed by the maid, I fell on the bed and fell asleep in a daze. The mist filled the air, and there seemed to be a girl in red standing across from the fluttering bed veil. I rubbed my eyes and asked, "Who?" The woman didn't speak, but she started dancing.Her waist is soft, and she dances lightly. Until she pushed aside the soft bed veil and came to me, her hands gently rested on my body.A faint fragrance emanated from her body, smelling this fragrance, I didn't know why I reached out to hold her in my arms, and pressed her on the bed. She did not refuse all this, quietly. Everything seemed natural, I leaned down and kissed her lips gently, when I raised my body to look at her, the woman also opened her eyes, she showed me a slight smile, that kind of smile is like that So familiar... Her eyes shone with a faint silver glow in the darkness, which was clearly the appearance of the queen mother. I yelled and woke up with a start! I looked around, it was pitch black, and the curtain on the bed was so still that it didn't move. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and breathed a sigh of relief. Fortunately, I was dreaming just now... However, I still felt something was wrong. I reached out to touch the mattress under me, and it was already cold. I was ashamed of myself for having such a dream, and when I greeted my mother the next day, I dared not look up into her eyes.How could I have such unreasonable thoughts about my mother?But the more I warned myself, the more I couldn't restrain myself from secretly looking at her. Why does the queen mother look better than other women in the harem?Why are her eyes brighter than other women?Why her lips are more charming than other women?Why is her skin more delicate than other women?Even when she walks, she is so graceful. I don't know why I am like this, I feel extremely guilty and distressed. That day when I came back from hunting with Mingzhe, Mingzhe rode on the horse and said to me: "Your Majesty, I see that you have been out of your mind these days, is there something that bothers you?" Mingzhe and I grew up together, and we talked about everything, but no matter how close people are, they can't talk about such things.I sighed and shook my head. "How about—" Mingzhe thought for a while and said, "Why don't we just come out and listen to the little twist to relieve boredom?" What Mingzhe was talking about was an official brothel that he took me to last time. I smiled and said: "Mingzhe, look at you, a seasoned veteran, you've been boasting about the place so much. The last time you led me there, it was nothing more than that. I won't go. Besides, if my mother finds out, I'm afraid she will blame her." "The emperor's vision is different from that of our servants," Mingzhe teased. "The last time I went to the Aifenglou with the best reputation in Beijing. Don't treat those girls as ordinary prostitutes. They are all flaunting Those who want to sell their art but not their body are very proud, but maybe the more they are like this, the more they are respected by those dignitaries." "Although they pretend to be noble, in my opinion, they are nothing more than fat and beautiful women. When it comes to piano skills, they are just superficial, so it's hard to talk about any accomplishments." Mingzhe shook his head helplessly after hearing this, and said in a long voice: "Your Majesty, if those girls still don't catch your eye, your vision is too high. Be careful, it will be ugly to choose a queen in the future." We looked at each other and smiled. We continued on our way, and after a while, Mingzhe suddenly remembered something, and said with an "oh", "Your Majesty, you will not compare those women with the empress dowager, will you?" I was taken aback. "It's no wonder that you grew up next to the empress dowager. Looking at such a person every day, let alone an ordinary woman, even a beautiful woman will not make you feel amazing. But I have to remind you, the empress dowager After all, there is only one strange woman like the Empress Dowager in the world, and if all of them follow that standard, there may not be many in this world that you can catch your eye." Could it be that I am subconsciously comparing those women with the queen mother?I didn't speak, and I kept thinking about what Mingzhe said all the way. Back in the palace, my mother invited me to go to the theater together, I only greeted my mother and then sat aside with a guilty conscience, not daring to look at her again. At this time, the off-stage drama started, and this episode continued yesterday, in which a scholar accidentally picked up the veil that was blown off a young lady's head, and fell in love with her at first sight.The young lady ran away in a hurry, and the scholar thought about her day and night, and finally found out how to meet her under the window at the mansion. I saw the young lady covered her face with a fan, and reprimanded: "It's not proper to show your face in front of the son that day. Today you came to the house again, do you want to humiliate the concubine?" The scholar hastily defended: "I know it's wrong for me to threaten Miss to meet me, but I don't mean anything malicious. I just want to see Miss and talk about the pain of lovesickness..." The young lady was even more ashamed and annoyed, and replied: "The son and the concubine have only met each other once, so where does the lovesickness come from?" "Miss, have you ever heard the story of Sima Xiangru and Zhuo Wenjun? They fell in love with each other just because of one song. When it comes to my current mood, it's even worse than that." The young lady turned her head and said: "Sima Xiangru and Zhuo Wenjun fell in love at first sight, and it is a good story up until now, but a frivolous young man like you is just looking for a concubine." "Miss," the scholar grabbed the lady's sleeve robe, looked at her and said affectionately: "Miss, how do you know that I am not sincere to you? I miss you every day and long to be together. As long as I am with you, I will be happy in my heart. If you refuse, I will be happy." Stinging, isn't that kind of feeling the love between a man and a woman?" I meditate in my heart, I miss you so much every day, I long to be together, as long as I am with you, I feel happy in my heart, and if you refuse, I feel stinging in my heart. Isn’t that kind of feeling just the love between men and women? Isn't that how I feel about my mother? That... isn't it love?I turned my head to look at my mother, who was leaning on the short table, covering her lips with a fan, and was concentrating on watching the show.How elegant and graceful her posture is, how much I want to kneel in front of her and lean over to kiss her robe corner gently at this moment, but I can't express my heart like a scholar. Since I understood this feeling, my heart has settled instead, and I am no longer as hesitant as before, but I am still depressed. I didn't even have the heart to deal with the memorial left by my mother on the desk, thinking maybe I should talk to her, at least I never hid anything from her before. Thinking of this, I immediately sent someone to drive to the Qinzheng Hall, but was told by Chu Zi that the Empress had just returned to the bedroom.I wondered in my heart, and immediately moved to the Eryu Palace, only to see that the queen mother's bedroom was quiet and there was no one waiting. I walked in slowly, turned around the half-moon door wrapped in gauze curtains, and saw the queen mother standing there. She was wearing a goose-yellow safflower dress worn in summer, and she was standing in front of the bronze mirror.A rhododendron in full bloom was pinned to her bun. Through the gauze, one can vaguely see the white arms of the queen mother. I was a little stunned, and I reconfirmed my feelings for the queen mother. This woman, this beautiful woman makes my heart pound. "Fuer?" The queen mother found me, turned around and asked. I froze for a moment, tried to hide it, and blurted out for some reason: "Mother, you look really good in this dress." The queen mother blushed suddenly, lowered her head and said in a deep voice, "The emperor can't make fun of his elders like this." I hastily explained: "Queen Mother, what my son said is the truth." The queen mother didn't listen to me, she just took off the azaleas, took off the gauze clothes, and put on a heavy phoenix robe, and suddenly became the unsmiling empress dowager. She sat down slowly, and asked me with a dignified expression: "Is there anything the emperor can do with Ai's family?" I wanted to talk to her, but suddenly I couldn't say it. I was afraid that she would reject me just like changing clothes just now.She never thought of me as a man, she never acted like a woman in front of me. I tried my best to suppress my emotions, forced a smile and said: "I just had a sudden inspiration and composed a new piece of music. I want to ask my mother to listen to it." I ordered the palace servants to bring the guqin, and instead of visiting the queen mother, I bowed my head and played it slowly. I finally understand why the ancients liked playing the qin so much, because they can put unspeakable thoughts into the qin. From then on, I also fell in love with playing the piano. I often played the piano by my mother's side, pouring all my feelings into it. I don't know if my mother could hear even a little affection in it? Even if I can't muster up the courage to express my feelings to my mother, I think that as long as I can spend time with my mother in peace, I will be happy enough. We can enjoy flowers together, play the piano together, and even discuss state affairs with her. So boring, but what broke my dream was the big wedding that my mother mentioned many times. This is the only thing I don't want to hear from my queen mother. The more enthusiastic she is, the more she shows my fruitless love time and time again. I think the queen mother has had such thoughts since Jun Dai entered the palace.But I didn't realize it at the time, I just thought it was not a bad thing for such a well-behaved girl to enter the palace to accompany the queen mother.Because of my mother's relationship, I have a good impression of the Nangong family, and I treat them with courtesy in the court hall, and I also have a sense of intimacy for Dai Jun. I interrupted my mother's plan to arrange a marriage for me time and time again. I know this has made her a little dissatisfied, but I have bitterness to say.I don't know how long this can last, but I really don't want to be with any woman except my mother. At that time, Dayin was fighting with Xie Hunguo, and the queen mother fell ill because she was too worried and overworked. Although I can't personally understand the pressure my mother is facing, I feel that I am too incompetent to share these for my mother.All I can do is to pay more attention to my mother. One day I went to Eryu Palace to visit my mother, but I saw only Shanshan stayed behind. It turned out that my mother was leaning on the couch and fell asleep. There were still many memorials lying messily on the queen mother's quilt, and I couldn't help sighing and feeling distressed when I saw it. I told the accompanying palace servants to step down, and quietly found a seat beside the queen mother and sat down.When I asked Aunt Shanshan how my mother's condition was, her answer made me feel worried again. After a while, Aunt Shanshan went out to get medicine for the queen mother, and there were only me and the queen mother left in the room. I picked up the fan that Aunt Shanshan had placed on the side, and gently fanned the queen mother. The queen mother slept soundly. I stared at the queen mother intently. The queen mother who was sleeping soundly had a face different from that of the day, and her expression was so peaceful and gentle. Her long eyelashes cast a shadow over her face, fluttering slightly with her breath.Because of the fever, her cheeks were slightly red, her breathing seemed not to be smooth, and her vermilion lips were slightly parted. This scene seemed to make me live in a dream, which was not real at all. I stood up, wanting to reach out and caress her face. The woman I will never touch in my life. Once, once is enough. I approached my mother, bent down, and gently kissed the corner of her mouth. Time seemed to freeze at that moment. This life also dies without regret. The queen mother mentioned the big marriage to me many times before, but I evaded it with various reasons.When Zhu Guangbi came back from the victorious battle, the queen mother was surprisingly firm and asked me to marry Zhu Guangbi's daughter as queen. At that time, she said to me in a very serious tone: "Now, Aijia is not discussing this matter with the emperor, but is asking the emperor to perform his duties as the empress dowager!" The identity of the Queen Mother ordered me, and I felt helpless but could no longer refute. Zhu Yu was only twelve years old when the wedding was held. When I saw her childish face, I really couldn't fall in love with her. She was so different from my mother.What's more, when I stepped into the new house, I saw the doll Zhu Yu put beside the bed. Although I was ashamed before and planned to complete the wedding according to my mother's wishes, I really couldn't do it now. I left the wedding room as if fleeing, only feeling that the emperor was pitiful, and came to Bi Che's bedroom to vent and crush her under me, as if that beast-like body was not my own. When Biche cried and begged me for mercy, I woke up with a start, and seeing Biche's face was full of tears, I couldn't help crying. Empress, you made me suffer so much. After crying that time, I have turned away from it. Let the queen do whatever she wants. I have married the queen according to her wishes. What else can I not accept in the future. Three months later, Dai Jun entered the palace for the second time under the order of his mother. In all fairness, it was Dai Jun who brought a ray of sunshine to my dark life in the harem. I don't love Dai Jun, but I like her. I don't love her, because in my heart, the status of a queen mother can never be reached by others; but Mr. Dai is so gentle, virtuous, and understanding, I really can't think of a reason not to like her. I know that the love for the queen mother is fruitless. At that time, I even wanted to treat Dai Jun as the queen mother. After all, part of her blood is the same as the queen mother. After all, she is from the queen mother's family. After I married Zhu Yu and Dai Jun entered the palace, the palace was peaceful for a while.Greeting my mother every day is still the happiest moment for me. In my spare time, I will also go to Dai Jun to talk about piano music and Buddhist principles. However, the good times didn't last long. As time went by, the problem of offspring became more and more prominent. Not only did I feel the pressure my mother put on me, but Dai Jun, who was usually my favorite, was the first to stand on the cusp of the storm.The queen mother blamed Daijun for not showing any signs of pregnancy for more than half a year. It's not that I can't understand the mother's anxiety about the offspring, and I didn't even expressly object to the mother's proposal to enrich the harem, but I just don't want to hurt Dai Jun, the woman who is so gentle and tolerant to me. Later, it was Dai Jun, who was persecuted by my mother, who persuaded me to marry Cai Nu into the palace.我只是感到无奈，后面进宫的那么多彩女我没有对她们动过一丝感情，一切一切都只听母后的安排。 并不是我自己多么介意子嗣的事情，而是我不想让母后失望，我不想让母后觉得我无用，我不想让母后后悔选我为帝。 因此对子嗣一事，我是热切的，我是焦急的。我希望有自己的孩子，让母后安心，让母后高兴，然后继续过我们的安稳日子。 可是无论是有“男相”的椒好，还是其他妃子都是迟迟没有动静，而玳君则因为我的原因受到母后的责难。 我心中的疑虑也日渐更甚。 如果以前只是玳君的问题，那么为什么有了椒好和其他妃嫔后还是没有消息…… 我心中不安地找来为后宫妃嫔诊病的杨京盛为我诊断，这件事做得十分隐秘。杨京盛时常为后宫妃嫔开求子安胎的方子，对生育的事情应该把握比较准。 诊断的结果证实了我的担心——是我不能生育！ 当听到这个结果时我感到天昏地暗，还是杨京盛及时扶住了我。我叫他退下并严令他不得将此事外露，否则身家性命不保。 我则陷入了深深的苦恼之中，脑子很乱，不断回放的是母后那殷切的眼神。 原来并不是任何一个妃嫔的错，是我自己无能。 如果母后知道这个结果会怎么样？她会看不起我、她会伤心、她会绝望、她会后悔以前那样关心我。 我失魂落魄地向尔玉宫走去，天色阴沉沉的，就仿若我此刻的心情。 路上遇到瑞雀宫的宫娥哭着对我说玳君被母后赶出瑞雀宫了。 我感到一阵的愧疚，玳君这是受我所累。 我一身狼狈地来到母后住所，风从我背后呼呼地吹着。 母后一脸吃惊，她叫如意退下，端了杯茶给我，关心地问道：“皇帝你怎么了？坐下慢慢说。” 我慢慢抬起头，内心感到痛苦无比，想把事情的真相告诉她。 “母后，儿臣……”可是当我看见母后那万分关切的神色，我却什么也说不出来了。我不想看到她对我失望的眼神…… 我连忙低头喝了口茶，努力平抚自己的心情，转移话题说：“母后，儿臣挺喜欢玳君的，请您不要那样苛刻的对她，她又没有做错什么。” 不想母后很不悦地反问道：“她明明为不能生育之身，却还霸占着皇上，致使皇帝现在还无子嗣，国家现在还没有继承人，这不是天大的罪过吗？” 母后的话刺到了我的痛处，以往的苦闷不知为何此时一股脑地涌了出来，我有些激动地说：“母后，难道子嗣就那么重要？就为了所谓的继承人，您将一个又一个女人塞给儿臣！您从来没问过儿臣愿不愿意，儿臣喜不喜欢！朕不是繁衍后代的工具，朕也是人，也有自己喜欢的人！” 母后，如果子嗣对你那么重要，那么不能生育的我对你是不是就一无是处了！我在心底里呐喊着。 母后一脸的惊讶，我也被自己以那样的语气对母后说话吓到了。 母后的表情有些受伤，她的语气软和下来，说：“母后知道你喜欢玳君，母后也并不是要把她打入冷宫，只是想让她反省反省。若是喜欢她，待你后继有人再接回她也不迟啊……” 原来母后还是没有明白我的感情，她以为我是因为玳君才这样忤逆她。 “说来说去还是子嗣！在母后的眼中子嗣比儿臣还要重要，母后的前途比儿臣的意愿还要重要百倍！也许您从未爱过儿臣，您一直只想利用儿臣！”我攥着拳，将自己心中所有的疑虑都吼了出来。 母后不可置信地看着我，她颤抖着说：“你知不知道自己在说什么……啊……啊？就为了一个女人，一个玳君，你就这么对你的母亲说话吗……” “什么叫哀家逼迫你……你自己身为皇帝做到你应该做的了吗……傀儡皇帝？即便是傀儡皇帝，哀家也要你做一个好皇帝！” “以后不准你去见玳君！一步也不准你踏进她的宫中！” 母后不明白，母后永远也不会明白我的意思……我的苦楚她永远无法理解。 我不想再辩解什么，只是向她深深一躬，毅然地离开。 那之后我感到百无聊赖，玳君被赶了出来我也不闻不问，后宫的妃嫔们我也不理不睬，因为对我这样的人来讲一切都已没有意义。 我将自己埋首于奏章之中，每天只是忙，近乎于麻痹摧残自己。 这期间母后请辞去南郊行宫，我没有批准甚至停了那的工程。 我怎么可能让母后离开……这个皇位是我为了母后而坐的，她离开了我一个人留在这空荡荡的宫中有什么意义。 母后若是要怨恨我就恨吧。 可是当母后一扫阴霾，兴奋地找到我对我说朱妘怀孕时，我几乎震惊地说不出话来。 朱妘怀了孩子？是我的孩子吗？可是杨京盛不是说我是不育之身吗！ 母后见我惊愕的样子，上前拍了拍我的肩膀，诚恳地说：“对，你的孩子。福儿，母后仔细想了想，也许真是我将你逼得太紧了吧。现在你也有子嗣了，母后再也不想管那么多，只想好好看着这孩子长大，体会天伦之乐。其余的事皇帝愿意怎么做就怎么做吧，母后相信你自己能开创自己的天下。” 我的眼睛渐渐湿润起来，傻母后，什么也不知道的母后。 我暗中派人调查朱妘的行踪，发现她竟然和十五皇弟关系密切。虽然我之前就知道希望很小，可是当听到这个结果时依旧极其失望。 我心中燃烧着怒火，难道就因为我不能生育，就要承受这样的羞辱吗？甚至连朱妘这样的小女孩都要背叛我。 可是我却不能将这种情绪表露出来，朱妘的丑事更不能公布天下将她绳之以法，为了不使人生疑我甚至要装出很关心她的样子，这是多么讽刺的事啊。 唯一的办法是将朱妘暗杀。 于是我派人每日送补药到凤仪宫，表示对这个表面是我第一子的关切。母后对朱妘怀孕一事万分重视，甚至把身边人派到凤仪宫伺候，警备很严，母后在时我是不敢下手的。我在等待母后出宫祈福的那一天。 那天例行的我派霜儿去给凤仪宫送药，可是今天的不是补药，而是堕胎的毒药。我不能原谅背叛我的朱妘，我无法容忍她活在世上嘲笑我。 霜儿送了药之后我再秘密派人将她毒杀，不会有人想到是我杀死了自己的“亲生骨肉”，只会以为霜儿被后宫妃嫔收买而下毒，再遭杀人灭口。而她死了，一切都将死无对证，只会不了了之。 我甚至选准了时间，装作无意地唤霜儿来续茶，只待在一旁服侍的曲求全为我的不知情做证明。 不过没料想母后黄昏时竟然赶了回来，发现了下毒的事并且阻止了这件事的发生。当她风尘仆仆来到勤政殿，将发生的事跟我说时，我心中暗叫不好，脸上却要露出吃惊的表情。 霜儿死了，母后并未怀疑是我下的毒手。 可是看她那样紧张的神情，我毒害这个孩子的想法动摇了，我想我以后即便有机会也不会再对朱妘做什么了。 这个孩子是她一直以来期盼的。而我自己永远也不能完成她的期盼了…… 我不会原谅朱妘对我的背叛，但是为了母后，我愿意留下这个孩子。就当成是我的孩子，我暗自这么打算。 有了这个孩子，达成了母后的心愿，我们又可以像以前那样幸福地生活在一起了，不是吗？ 我留下了这个孩子，就不能留下他的生父和生母。我甚至已经想好，即便朱妘后来生的是女孩，我也会调换成男嗣，朱妘也一定会因为难产而死。 以后这个孩子，我就是他的父，而母后是他的母，我们一起来养育这个孩子，让这个孩子接替我的帝位，成为一位伟大的皇帝。虽然颛明因此而死，但是他在天之灵见到自己的孩子登基为帝，也会有所慰藉吧。 我先将容貌美丽的蒋清赐给颛明为妻，其实也是对朱妘的私情进行的报复。颛明结婚之后，光明正大地让他离宫，我派人在半路将他暗杀。 听说朱妘听到颛明死讯时表现失态，后来身体也开始糟糕起来，我能想象得到当她得知这个消息时的悲痛心情，我是又可怜她又恨她，于是禁不住冷笑一声。 转眼间到了冬日，离朱妘生产的日子越来越近。 可是我却已经无暇为她的事操心，因为天气寒冷，各地冻死饿殍者不在少数，我忧心万分，连夜召集朝廷大臣商议救灾之事。 我查阅了以往的史书，上面说有此异象时一般都是因为君主有失德行，招致天谴的。 我想起了我自己……这样的我正是在忝居帝位吧。 为了弥补我的过失，我只有更加废寝忘食的工作，希望可以减少这场因为我而引起的灾难对百姓的伤害。 在这个冬天一向孱弱的九皇兄终是在寺院中病逝了。 母后异常悲恸，连平时最关心的朱妘也无暇顾及，整日将自己关在佛堂里谁也不见。 听说九皇兄是和母后从小一块玩到大的，那种情谊自然万分深厚，母后这般样子也实在叫人心疼。见不到母后的日子里，我感到百无聊赖，有的时候什么都不想做，只是发呆。 “皇上？皇上！” 明哲将我从思绪中拉了回来，“刚才臣向您奏报的是向百姓发放木炭的情况……皇上，您最近是不是有什么心事？” “啊？啊，朕并没有什么，刚才只是有些困顿，一时走了神儿。” 明哲低头想了想，说道：“皇上，要不咱们现在去曲艺苑听听小曲儿？” I shook my head. “皇上，您要不要去御花园走走？” 我想了想觉得无趣，还是摇了摇头。 明哲沉默了一会儿，然后叹了口气，沉声说：“皇上，您以前不是这样的。” “什么？”我抬头吃惊地问明哲。 “宫里人都悄悄议论，说您是世上最沉默最不开心的皇帝……臣小时候就当您的伴读，臣知道您不是这样的。”明哲小声地说。 “那是从什么时候开始的？” “也许从您娶皇后开始……不，也许从您当皇帝的时候就不太一样了。” 我听完苦笑了一下。 明哲走近我，皱着眉寻思着说：“皇上，臣就想不明白，当皇帝有什么不开心的？天下都是您的，没有人敢不听您的命令，天下没您得不到的东西。要不然怎么那么多人拼死拼活要争帝位呢。可是您为什么当了皇帝不开心，娶了妻子不开心，现在将得长子也没有丝毫开心的表情呢？皇上，您到底有什么困扰的事情？臣下可以为您分担吗？” 明哲……明哲啊，这没有什么让人想不明白的。因为这个帝位本来就不是我想坐的，我之所以在这里只是因为她。所以，娶妻没什么让我开心的，生孩子也没什么让我开心的，何况这还并非是我的孩子。但这些事我永远无法和别人说。 “明哲，谢谢你，朕真的没什么，只是最近一直在为天灾的事情忧心。奏章上说街上满是冻死饿死的人，朕想不明白，天气真的可以寒冷到冻死人吗？” “皇上，您每日吃得饱穿得暖，当然很难想外面的情况。可是那些穷人，住着茅屋，穿着薄衣，没有炭火可以取暖，天气寒冷食物短缺，没有饱腹的食物无法抵御严寒。现在京城的大街上满是乞讨的人，许多无家可归的人就直接冻死在路上。” 我听了觉得不可思议，并且为自己的生活感到愧疚。我站起身来，对明哲说：“明哲，朕想出去看看，朕想知道朕的子民到底是如何生活的。” 明哲有些吃惊地说：“皇上，您平时出宫打猎都尽量避免去民区，现在怎么反而想出去了？” 那是因为我怕母后会担心会不高兴。而现在母后一直将自己关禁在佛堂里，宫中也是一片死气，我想出去透透气散散心，况且我出去是为了体察民情，母后想必不会怪罪吧。 于是那天我瞒着求全，扮成明哲的仆人悄悄混出宫去。 然后我知道了真相。 后悔出宫吗？I have no idea.我只知道这个真相是那样残酷，撕裂着我，让我如此疼痛。 车轮不停地转着，我们离宫门越来越远。 在经过一大片空地之后，渐渐有了人烟，来往的人也越来越多。 我掀起帘子四下观望，只见路人低着头扛着瑟瑟的寒风，快步走着，口中不时冒出缕缕白气。 我特意注重了一下他们的穿着，他们浑身包得严严的，穿着好一点的戴了一顶厚厚的棉帽，差一点的就拿一团布将自己的脸缠起来只露出一对眼睛。 我稍稍放下心来，这样看起来还好。 明哲指着路边说：“以前这条主道是帝都最繁华的地方，街两边摆满了摊子，吃得用得玩得应有尽有，而现在却空成这样子。现在能找到卖米的都很难，粮食稀缺，即便有价格也比以往高三四倍。” “皇上，您看！”明哲指着路边说。 我顺眼看过去，只见一个人歪在路边一角，似乎是位老人，因为我看见了他花白而杂乱的胡子。我诧异的是他在如此寒冷的天气里竟然是赤膊赤腿的，而且没有丝毫的颤抖。 “他死了。”明哲平静地解释说，“他死了被别人扒下了衣服。” 我吃惊不已，马车继续走着，这时有人迎了过来，我定睛一看，是一名头发散乱的妇人，她身后牵着一个小男孩，衣服上满是补丁。 “大爷，行行好，给点吃的吧……”她用那冻得发紫的手将一个破瓷碗举到我的窗口。 “停车！”我大喊了一声。 马车停下了，我不顾明哲的劝阻跳下了车。 外面的风吹了过来，脸被刮得生疼。 那对母子走了过来，我打量他们，我以前在宫中从未见过如此脏的人，不免觉得有些害怕，不自觉地向后退了退。不过我决定要给他们点什么。 我上下搜索了一下，发现自己身上并没有钱，只好尴尬地看向身后的明哲。 明哲紧忙掏出自己的钱袋，拿出了一些碎银，交给我。 “都给他们。”我命令明哲说。 明哲有些吃惊，也不敢多说什么，把钱袋倒了一下，又蹦出两枚银锭。 我将这些钱拿到这位妇人面前，她显得十分紧张。 我将这些钱给了她。 她浑身哆嗦着，仿佛拿到手上的是一个烫手的火球。她警觉地将银子收到自己的内襟里，拉着自己的儿子给我磕了一个头，念着：“感谢大爷，感谢大爷，大爷这么好的心肠以后一定会升官发财……” 我让她起来，她生怕我再把钱要回去，拉着自己的孩子慌张地离去了。 可是当这位妇人离去时，附近许多老老少少的乞讨者都蜂拥上来，拿着期盼的眼神盯着我，口中不停说着大爷行行好的话。 我不知所措地看着他们，我们身上的钱刚才已经散尽，没有一点了。 明哲示意我赶快上车，而我在那里一动也不动，因为不知道自己有什么脸面离开。 他们面色蜡黄，发丝凌乱，眼角浑浊，他们穿的衣服是那么破败，鞋子有些已经露出洞来，这就是我的子民吗？而我生活在宫里，每日锦衣玉食。 我到底犯下了怎样的罪过啊。 正在我们进退两难的时候，另一辆马车在旁边停了下来。 那辆精致马车的门打开了，车夫紧忙拿着阶凳放好，从车上缓缓走下一名穿着同样精致的妇人。 她穿着上好的貂毛披风，头戴貂毛顶子，目不斜视地从我身边走过。 她很瘦削，眼窝有些凹陷，脸色也有些发黄，看起来并不很精神，似乎疾病缠身的样子。她身后跟着两名拿着红布端盘的仆人，那妇人站定看了一眼人群，然后转过身去，从暖手筒中缓缓伸出一只手，掀开了其中一个盘子上的红布。 那盘子上整齐地摆放着一排排银锭，在这阴天寒风中散发出微微的光。 “都过来领钱吧。” 那妇人说话声音很轻，却足以使那群乞讨者一下子围到她的身边。 “别挤，等着我家少奶奶发！再挤就不给发了！”站在前面的男仆拦着拥挤的人群粗声喊道。 那妇人抓着银锭将它们一个个抛向人群。 人群疯狂地挤着抢着。 那妇人面露淡淡的笑容，丝毫没有因这笔不小财富的散失而心疼的样子。 很快一个盘子的银两散尽，她再次将手伸向另一个盘子。 我和明哲对视了一眼，我有些欣慰。虽然屡屡听说官员显贵们欺压百姓，但可见也有善良的人。她看起来身体不好，也许是在做布施祈福。 后来我和明哲打算上车回宫，就在这时却听见身后一声响亮的抽打声，然后伴随着人群中的一声尖叫。 我回过头去，眼前的一幕却是我想象不到的。 那位妇人手中高举着鞭子，挥向人群一下下抽打着。 她变得面目狰狞，口中恨恨地骂着：“你们这群卑贱的人！看你们下贱的样子！看你们那肮脏的模样！真让我恶心！真恶心！” 我大惊失色，她怎么会突然变成这样！ 我急忙下车，她还在挥着鞭子不停地说：“打死你们，打死你们！”。 我伸手抓住了鞭子的首端，喊道：“你这是干什么？！” 她一下子抽回鞭来，鞭子的尾端甩过我的脸颊，顿时觉得脸上像被刀划过一般火辣辣地疼。 她的眼神中还有着未消散的愤怒与厌恶，谁也不知道这愤怒与厌恶到底是从何而来。 她轻蔑地看了我一眼，冷笑道，“这与你何干？他们收了我的钱，你问问他们挨打是不是他们自愿的？不愿意，不愿意那就别收我的钱！” 她说的话没有任何道理，我听后简直气愤极了，辩驳道：“不管什么理由，你这样伤人就是不对！我大胤法文上写明，杀人着死，伤人者将受刑罚。” 她听后大笑起来，“刑罚？谁敢罚我？别说这些贱民妄想，即便像你这样穿得像模像样的，我照打不误，我就不信在这京城中有人敢治我的罪！” 说完她又举起了鞭子，说着：“即便治了罪也好，干脆我杀了你，再处死我，岂不是解脱！” 我站着一动不动，后面的明哲着急地唤了一声：“皇……不，福子！”他快步挡在我前面，低声暗示说：“在外别闯祸。”因为我出宫装扮的是明哲仆人的样子，“福子”是我们事前商量好对我的称呼，明哲说别在外面闯祸是怕在宫外我们势单力薄发生意外。 “福子？”那个妇人突然就停了手，看向我。 她直直地盯着我，而我没有一丝畏惧地迎上她的目光。 她的眼神里充满疑虑，她锁着眉。我们相视良久，渐渐她露出不可置信的表情，神色也柔和起来，甚至目光闪烁，眼睛里泛出了泪光。 她手里的鞭子一下子掉在地上。 她伸出自己的手，想要一把抓住我般。那手瘦削如同枯枝。 “颛福！”我想不到的是，她竟然一字不差地喊出了我的名字。 我疯也似的回到宫中，去我从未去过的角落，冷宫，那里有我的母亲…… 那里的姑姑并不认识我，我的身上还穿着仆人的衣服。她身材壮实，长得满脸横肉，拦在我面前语气恶劣地说：“哎哎，你们谁啊，胆敢闯入冷宫，是