Chapter 10 flowers in ruins

Across the flow of people and cars, I looked at Zhang Chu on the opposite side and didn’t move. He doesn't move either.I have no intention of coming here at all. green light.Let the vehicles flow unimpeded, but let the pedestrians stop. I repeated a word silently in my heart: We met again! How many people are there in the world, how many roads are there in Beijing, no one can step into the same river twice, why do two people meet again and again? Such a one-in-a-million chance to meet him time and time again.Usually this kind of encounter is either fate or robbery, which cannot be escaped.

But he still wanted to run away, refusing to take another step forward. Across the zebra crossing, I looked at him, wondering why he refused to cross over.If, if it's the next minute, he still doesn't come over, I, I will go over. I bit my lip, and decided to ignore any morals and norms, and I didn't care about the so-called self-esteem and reserve, let pride go to hell, all I know is that I want to approach him, stand side by side with him, go to the Great Wall, drink teahouses, talk Cao Xueqin, look at Mei Lanfang.As long as you are with him, you can do anything, you can go to the ends of the earth, even in the barren mountains and isolated islands, you will not be lonely.

The red light came on, the traffic stopped, and I shot through like a little rocket, through, across the road. Across the road, without him! he's gone! he's gone. He won't wait for me, the red light is on, he's gone, he won't wait for me. Between us, there is no fate, no robbery, nothing, just wishful thinking and struggling and running alone. Jingwei spent his entire life trying to fill the sea, and Kuafu failed to catch up with the sun even after he died. Wishful thinking. Strange loneliness, gnawing at my heart like an eclipse, there are no fragments left, the world is empty.

I was walking aimlessly on the street, my heart was ransacked in an instant, and I had nothing left. My feelings, pride, hope, and persistence were completely wiped out at the moment the red light turned on, leaving nothing left. The road is so long, there are so many people, the cars are so crowded, the red light turns on and off, turns off and turns on again, what else do I have? Endless tears flow, do not know why to cry? I go. The long street is full of twists and turns, and I don't know where to turn.At the next street corner, is there someone who loves me waiting for me? After many, many, many people, but not him, not him again.

My heart is blank.Blank like a TV screen after saying "goodbye" at night. On the wall of the half-collapsed gate of the courtyard house, there is a big word "demolition" written on it. I stopped, and suddenly woke up, this is here, this is his home, it is the place where we met for the first time.Has it not been dismantled yet?It's here, is it waiting for me?Until I bury my childhood feelings with it. Everything is preordained, isn't it? I opened the door and walked in, feeling so bitter that I could not shed tears. This is already a dead house. When I came last time, I only saw a mess, but this time, all I saw was old and decayed.The old trees had already withered and died without waiting for someone to cut them down. The waste furniture was covered with ash, which was not enough to cover up their true colors, but it seemed that they had been buried in the ground, or had just been unearthed.There are weeds everywhere, but they are not lush, as if the grass also predicts death and is too lazy to be born.Withered leaves, shredded paper and broken plastic bags hang on the trees like streamers, calling to the soul of the house.

I sat down under the tree, not thinking, the house is dead, and my heart is about to die.If I just silently guard the house and turn it into ashes, it may be the best destination and relief for me. From the memory of the snow lantern seventeen years ago, to the parting, to the reunion, to the merging of longing and reality, to the destruction of all hopes and longings, no, I did nothing wrong, I will still do it all over again If you choose that way, you will still fall in love with him the same, humble and wronged.How can you not love it?If everything started from scratch, it would still be where it is today.There is no escape.

However, if everything is not my fault, whose fault is it?Is it God?How God deceived me! Far away, who is singing? "If you say there is no romance, how can you meet him again; if you say there is a romance, how can you end up lying?" How can you be willing to make your heart empty, how can you let the search fail, let the reunion be a mistake, and let the future be zero?How can you? I don't know how long I sat like this, the courtyard door opened with a "ah".I raised my heavy eyelids and looked over, and saw Zhang Chu who was bleak. The heart stabbed violently, the blood was rushing in the body, but the limbs were imprisoned as if they could not move.

It's Zhang Chu!Zhang Chu!Zhang Chu!Zhang Chu! His heart was screaming wildly, but he couldn't make a sound; the intense gaze pierced the night to meet him, and his face quickly faded, as white as paper. Needless to say, at this moment, I know that his heart, like mine, is tormented by separation, pleasantly surprised by the reunion, and pained by the future, oh, Zhang Chu!Zhang Chu! "The demolition of the house has been postponed for some reason... I passed by here, so I wanted to come in and have a look." He finally spoke, his voice was hoarse, it didn't seem real.He himself also felt the weirdness, as if the insincere words were not in harmony at this time and place, saying it was the same as not saying it.

So he stopped talking, but stood on the opposite side of me, leaning on the tattered kang cabinet with his feet upturned, without speaking or moving, just looking at me, looking at me deeply. Our eyes interweave and collide in the air, colliding into eternity. The dusk surrounds us, falling silently, heavy and complete, boundless, comforting and urging.The swimming night is like a wet suit, engulfing my emotions, floating out, floating out, and I can no longer control myself. For a long time, under the cover of night, I said softly: "I like you." The night carried my confession of love boldly and silently to him, to the silence.

My tears fell, and the words seemed to be spoken to myself, or they just swirled from my heart to the tip of my tongue, without really saying it at all. If they don't get a response, I will finally say it. The feelings that have been silent for seventeen years have finally opened tonight, like a moonlit night flower. Although it only bloomed for a moment, it was once beautiful and fragrant. However, just because I finally said what was on my mind, there is no reason to stay by his side anymore. I even gave up the qualification to pretend to be crazy, and my self-esteem and reserve were all wiped out. I had no choice but to leave, only to leave.

However, at this moment, the earth was shocked, and I heard the echo of history. He said to me amidst the ruins: "I like you too." Time suddenly stopped. Tears gush out like a spring, unstoppable, in this early summer evening. There is a faint fragrance in the wind, I don't know what it is, my voice finally got a response from the other side of memory, my feelings from childhood to adulthood, the love that has been treasured for seventeen years, finally got a response.He said he likes me too. Enough is enough, that's enough, I don't ask for anything else. I don't want promises, I don't want the future, just the tenderness and recognition of this moment.He finally admitted me, admitted me, that's enough, that's enough. He likes me, he likes me, he likes me!My life was finally completed at the moment when he said this sentence. I have never been so grateful that I am alive, and that I exist as a person, as a person with thoughts and feelings. The night enveloped me more heavily, and under the shade of the night, I quietly poured out to my heart, confessed to my God, and finally had the courage to say the words that had been buried in my heart for a long time. "In this life, I have loved two people: the first one is you; the second one is still you. This is fate, I can't hate the sky, and I can't deceive myself. I have been sad and escaped, but all After rationality and principles have settled, one thing cannot be changed, that is, my love for you. I don’t care if you are married or not, whether we have a future, whether this relationship will be blessed, let alone whether it is In the end, whether I have a title or not, I only know that I love you, this is a fact that cannot be changed. If loving you is wrong, please let me be wrong to the end. " I heard the sound of tears falling, very heavy, smashing on the stone edge of the ruins, I heard it. And the soul is lifted up at the moment when the tears fall. We kiss in the ruins, let the night bind the two of us tightly, when the whole world is still, when the earth returns to the original chaos, only our love, still shining in the dark, like the most brilliant flower in the midnight Fireworks, even if they are short-lived, illuminate the whole life. I know that in this life I can't love anyone else as much as I love him, if one day we have to part, and I have to pay a terrible price for the joy of this moment of love, I will laugh with my feet on the edge of the knife Said: I loved, I do not regret it! I don't know whether the next time will be more bitter or sweet. Zhang Chu and I finally started dating, but every time he seemed very heavy, struggling with himself very hard.But when we were together, we had fewer conversations than when we first met. We often sat quietly for the whole afternoon without exchanging a word, and never talked about feelings. I know he is trying in vain to create an illusion of friendship, love is love and cannot be confused with friendship.However, if this can make him feel better, I am willing to cooperate. So I was naive and deliberately made myself ten years younger than my actual age. Every time I met, I just talked with him about some irrelevant children. As long as he didn’t mention the future, I never asked, for fear of bringing pressure to him. , making him flinch again. I don’t know if there is a second couple’s date like this: no vows, no candlelight dinners, no sweet words, and even no exchange of eyes. Yes, it's just a pretense, it's just oppression, it's just forbearance, it's just humiliation. I finally believe that sometimes falling in love is also a kind of torture. One evening, we walked out of the bar, and it was raining lightly. There was a little girl selling roses at the door. When she saw us, she immediately came up to sell her fluently: "My sister is so beautiful, brother, let me buy a rose for my sister." I secretly hope that Zhang Chu can accept it. A rose costs only three yuan, but the flower of love I received from him should be different, right? But he refused, and walked past the girl in silence. I bowed my head, infinitely lost.He deliberately did not leave any trace of love, and he did not want to give me even a flower to confess. However, I would rather let him lie to me, even if it is a false appearance, as long as I know that he loves me at this moment, it is enough. Already at the parking lot, Zhang Chu looked up at the sky, then turned back suddenly, and when I came back, I saw him holding a whole basket of roses.Either don’t buy it, buy it all if you want, I suddenly understood his intentions, he wanted to let that little girl go home earlier and stop doing business in the rain. He wanted to give the rose back to Xio, I took it, and broke the deadlock: "I know, you don't really want to give me roses, you just want to help that little girl." I smiled deliberately and said, "You want her better than me." "She reminds me of when you were a child." Zhang Chu stared at me. "Tang Shi, I'm glad we didn't have such a childhood. We didn't have to sell roses at the door of the bar to support our family. God has been very good to us." Emotion once again filled my heart. He is so peaceful and natural in everything he does, which not only makes me love, but also makes me respect.I lowered my head, buried my face in the bouquet, and sniffed deeply. Walking on the street, I hugged a basket of roses, and he was beside me. In the eyes of passers-by, no one would not regard us as a couple in love, right? This is not the case. I really don't know where our love will go, there is always an ending, right?But I didn't dare to think about it, for fear of seeking perfection and ruining it. Here and now, I just want to see Zhang Chu one more time, and see you again. If tomorrow is the end of the world, I will face it with a smile, because I can finally die in the season of love. However, even such a dream cannot last long. That day, when I called Zhang Chu again to ask him to meet, he refused me.His voice came from the other end, one sentence at a time: "I accompanied my wife to the hospital just now...she is pregnant...it has been three months...the due date is at the end of the year...Tang Shi, I can't go to your appointment anymore." The microphone fell from my hand, and my heart was grayed layer by layer, as if the sky was covered with haze, and there was no ray of sunshine, and it would never be sunny again. I can no longer bear this kind of rejection and neglect again and again. My self-esteem and reserve have long been reduced to dust, and it doesn't matter if I am trampled under his feet. unable to bear.I don't have a heart made of iron. What's more, even if my heart is really made of pig iron, it has already been melted by the heat of love and guilt. He didn't come, he said he can't see me again, he said his wife is pregnant, it has been three months, and the due date is early next year. This made our love suddenly cruel and unreasonable. However, three months ago, I hadn’t come to Beijing, and I didn’t know Zhang Chu yet.Could this be my fault?I thought about looking back carefully, from the first meeting in the courtyard, to the reunion in Huangye Village, to when he told me that he was married on the university campus, to the meeting across the zebra crossing next to Liulichang, to the finally burst of passion and constant love. Tolerant abnormal love... However, he finally had to give up. Wife, pregnancy, due date... these words seem far away from me, but I can't ignore them.How can he come to see me?If I were him, I couldn't leave my pregnant wife to meet other girls at this time.He is not ruthless, but precisely, he is too affectionate. Yes, besides human feelings, there is also righteousness.It's hard to say which is more important than love and righteousness. Under such a major premise, I had to give up. Give up, my love.