Chapter 17 The secret in the small building

Before liberation, a cold winter night. The air was hard and brittle, and the steel-blue sky was like a crust of ice glowing with lights. Ruo Meiying threw the baby in her hand on the steps in front of Guanyin Hall, and didn't take another look at it, and didn't leave any notes in the package, and didn't even help the baby pat the door of Guanyin Hall.She has already decided to abandon her and cut her out from her own life, so she doesn't plan to make any arrangements for her, and doesn't need to worry about her life or death anymore. What's more, it may not be necessary. Although the baby is small, it cries loudly, and the sound of wow wah wow is loud, and the desire to survive pierces the inherent cold and helplessness, and pursues a chance of survival to the world——but , if she can predict the ups and downs of her life, maybe she won't fight so hard.

The door of Guanyin Hall opened, and Nanny came out and carried her in, saying, "A girl." They raised the girl with milk and gruel, and sent her to study in Beijing. Boarding, do not want her to go the same way as them. "Every woman who is a self-combing girl has to go through a bitter road. No one is really willing. Although you grew up in Guanyintang, your world should be more than this big. You have to hold your breath and go out .” So they didn't allow her to call their mother, but only called them nanny, and named her Zhao Zihe, and when her wings grew, they sent her flying away, not wanting to imprison her.

She flew away, studied in Beijing, revolutionized, participated in sports, became a young Red Guard soldier, picked up a whip, and hit her biological mother with a round circle. That was the only time in her life that she really faced her mother. Her eyes hadn't opened yet. Many years later, when she remembered this experience because of the sudden death of the blind luthier Huber, when she confessed her guilt to Shui Xiaowan with shame, she said that she saw the most beautiful woman in the world , a guilty woman, a suffering woman, when she said this, she didn't know that it was her mother.

Even in such an era of devoid of humanity, even though the woman who was criticized was so embarrassing and haggard, she still saw her extraordinary beauty. She was stabbed by this beauty.Tossing and turning, I suddenly doubted the meaning of "revolution". At a young age, I don't know what is "yes" and what is "wrong". I just think it is cruel and inhuman to whip a beautiful woman like this.Rebellion is justified, but rebellion is ruthless. She was too young to be ruthless, so she had to give up "rebellion" and sign up to go to the mountains and the countryside to an extremely remote village in Guangdong.

Go there, still for the revolution. Went there and still didn't understand the revolution. She went to receive re-education from poor and lower-middle peasants, but she was raped by a peasant representative and the head of a village. It was a New Year's Eve, and all the classmates went home to celebrate the New Year. She stayed behind and recalled the words of the mothers alone——Zihe, you have a name and a surname, and your name is Zhao Zihe. Once you grow up, leave here, Never go back to Guanyin Hall again.This is not the destination of a normal woman. You have to spend your whole life forgetting your origin and your past. You must strive to be a normal and happy woman and pursue your own peaceful life.

However, her sky is not destined to be light and peaceful. She was insulted that New Year's Eve.Tears and blood buried the expectations of the nuns, and she finally deviated from their blessings and returned to Guanyin Hall with scars all over her body and heart. The nuns washed her wounds and said with tears: "Ask him for an explanation and ask him to compensate you." I want to sue her! Don't, don't tell me.You can't win.Not good for you.Remember to ask him for favors.leave him.Then forget about it all.Restart. The nuns worked together to raise this poor baby girl. They really didn't want her to follow their old path, and taught her two words: forget.

It's like forgetting your fate of being abandoned, like forgetting your origin as an orphan, like forgetting everything in this Guanyin Hall.Only by forgetting can we start a new life.Who said that girls from Guanyin Hall can only comb themselves?You must fight for the nuns, go out and never come back, you will do it, you must do it. So she went out, went back to the mountain village, walked up to the village head, and said: I want to leave you.Otherwise, I will sue you. The village head recommended her to go to college, Workers, Peasants and Soldiers University. In this way, she returned to Beijing.

Go to school, graduate, work.Thinking that all bad luck can end here, thinking that the past can really be wiped away, thinking that I can forget it forever... However, no. I also had a short-term relationship, the only time in my life, it was introduced by someone else, and I was about to get married, but when the medical examination report came out, the other party turned around and left, not even interested in a question—no matter what the answer was, the result was the same . Zhao Zihe has already broken his body, and it is impossible to conceive in his life. The world collapsed, and the sky seemed never to be sunny.Zhao Zihe didn't cry this time. She sat in the hut assigned by the troupe and thought about it all day and night.

Looking back, that day happened to be July 13th. The next day, on the morning of July 14th, she quietly got on the train, traveled far and wide, and finally returned to Guanyin Hall. When she came back again, her hair was braided into two long braids, and she said: I am a self-combing girl now. never marry. "Ruo Meiying is my mother?" Nanny Zhao knelt on the ground, her hair was disheveled, she was crying, she was stunned by this shocking news. "Mom." She called cautiously. Since she was a child, she has never called anyone a mother, and the closest name is Nanny.When she was young, she was called other people's mother, and when she was old, people called her mother.This is the closest word in her dictionary to mother's pronunciation.

But now, she knows that she once had a mother, her mother was Ruo Meiying. Except for birth, she and her mother only faced each other once. During the Cultural Revolution, during the movement, and on the platform of criticism, she raised a whip and hit her mother.That was the closest time between them. She was standing and her mother was kneeling, bearing her whipping—the worst thing in the world is nothing like this. God will not allow her! Zhao Momo completely collapsed, almost bleeding from her throat: "Mom, she is my mother, I have seen her, and I beat her, I hit my mother..."

She suddenly kowtowed to the clothes on the four walls, kowtowed frantically, cried, and shouted: "Mom, mom, you forgive me, you killed me, I'm sorry for you, mom, come out, Let me see you, okay? Shui Xiaowan can see you, why can't I? Mom, let me see you. I've never seen you, I never dreamed of you, now I know You are my mother, mother, come out and let me see, let me see..." Looking at the weeping mother Zhao, Xiao Wan felt her heart throbbing. The cruelty of this story has far exceeded her ability to bear. The kind Xiaowan never thought that there would be so many sad and terrible things in the world.No wonder Zhang Zhi also hesitated to tell her the truth when he came back from Guangdong. It turned out that the truth was so horrifying and horrifying.There are such dirty people and such cruel things in the world, which she doesn't want to see and hear.She would rather be an ostrich and hide her head in her parents' arms than to be exposed to these terrible and unbearable truths. Zhao Momo's forehead was already bleeding, and her voice was completely hoarse, but she was still screaming heartbreakingly: "Mom, Mom, I know you died a miserable death. Tell me, where is the tomb? I'll visit your grave , go to burn incense for you, go kowtow to you, mother, let me do a little filial piety..." Xiaowan couldn't help crying, and also begged: "Meiying, come out. Your daughter is here. I helped you find her. Come and see her." However, the walls are silent and the colorful clothes are dim. Ruo Meiying's soul refused to face her daughter. She refused to recognize her daughter, but traveled thousands of miles to the countryside of Guangdong to kill her enemies—in this life, she had done two things for her daughter: one was to give birth to her; the other was to kill for her. Isn't life and death the most important thing in the world? Zhao Momo raised her head, at this moment, she suddenly seemed to have become very small, like that baby who was abandoned in front of the Guanyin Hall, so helpless, so terrified. "Xiaowan..." She asked for help sadly, "My mother, what have I told you?" "She asked me to help her find a one-sentence answer." Xiaowan suddenly remembered the scene in the Hailan Hotel, and her whole body was shocked, "Accountant, didn't you say you knew the small building where Mei Ying was imprisoned? Take me there. " "Take you there?" Nanny Zhao repeated with difficulty, her eyes were lax and her mind was not clear, "What are you going there for?" "I want to find out the truth about Mei Ying's death." Xiao Wan's eyes flickered, "As long as I go back to the scene of the incident, I can see everything that happened there. I want to know why Mei Ying jumped off the building? " This is a real dangerous building awaiting demolition. Xiao Wan and Zhao Mama walked up the stairs, feeling that they were in danger of falling down at any time.But neither of them cared about being afraid.The residents in the building have already been evacuated, and some walls have collapsed. There is a gloomy wind whistling in the corridor, and there are faint voices. An old building with a history of nearly a hundred years, every brick and every tile is full of stories.The whispers of others, the betrayal of lovers, father and son against each other, husband and wife divorced, the blind old lady’s cat wailed desperately in the corridor, the lost child next door cried and knocked on the wrong door, and the late girl hesitated. Make up an excuse to avoid the cross-examination of the mother, the boy who just fell in love wrote the name of his beloved girl on the corner of the door-if the wall could talk, its story would not only tell the story of One Thousand and One Nights. If the wall could talk, it would tell Shui Xiaowan that in this small building, in that room on the thirteenth floor, what kind of tragic fate Ruomeiying had experienced, her blood was splashed on the white powder wall, Her tears dripped in the cracks of the floor, her hand once stroked the window lattice and looked down, but her figure finally disappeared in the window, ending her beautiful but miserable life from then on. Wall can't speak, but Nanny Zhao can. She stopped and told Xiao Wan: "This is the room. She jumped from this room back then." The door was pushed open, as if pushing away the barrier of history with a "wow", Xiao Wan felt a chill all over her body, and her hair stood on end.Zhao Nanny, however, went in without any fear, went straight to the window, and pointed to Xiaowan: "This is the window, this is the window. From here, do you see the house opposite? At that time, there was Zhang Chaotian. That day, he walked out of the house and just got into the car, when suddenly there was a bang, my mother jumped off the building, and fell behind the wheel, splashing up the dust, but the car had already started, Zhang Chaotian I didn't even turn my head..." Xiaowan's tears welled up again.Amidst the tears, she suddenly called out: "Huber!" No, it was not Hu Bo, the luthier who appeared in the middle of the room at some time, but Hu Bo's father, Hu Bo, who walked up to Ruo Meiying with his long and short legs.His ugliness is in stark contrast to May Young's beauty. Ruo Meiying stood by the window, wearing a costume, her eyes fixed on the opposite building, in the direction of Zhang Chaotian. Hu Lizi's proud voice sounded: "Zhang Chaotian is just across the street. I know you want to find him, so just wait. As long as you sing to me well and make me happy, I'll let you see him. " The ear-piercing and evil voice made Xiaowan couldn't help covering her ears with her hands, and couldn't bear to see the tragedy unfold. But it was useless, even if she closed her eyes and covered her ears, she could still see the distorted face of the crippled Hu, and heard Ruo Meiying's miserable cry. Hu Lizi sneered arrogantly: "Put on it, put on this outfit, I want you to sing for me, sing for me alone, sing!" Xiaowan burst into tears.It turned out to be him, it turned out to be Cripple Hu, it turned out that the person Mei Ying really wanted to take revenge on was not the blind Huber or Huber's son, but Cripple Hu.He was the one who fished in troubled waters during the "Cultural Revolution" because of his unsuccessful pursuit of Mei Ying, and instigated his son Hu Bo, who was the little leader of the rebels at the time, who was not a luthier nor blind at the time, to arrest Mei Ying and put her in a small building for her. He flaunts the power of a tiger and a wolf, and does all kinds of evil. Ruo Meiying, that gorgeous woman dressed in colorful silk, was as gorgeous as peaches and plums, as cold as ice, struggling humiliatingly and crying under Hu Lizi's body, life would be better than death. Xiao Wan rushed forward and waved her hands to the air in vain: "Let her go, let her go, you devil!" Her hand was empty, and she passed through the bodies of Hu Lizi and Ruomeiying and waved in the air, and the horrific tragedy was still being repeated. Mei Ying's clothes were torn, her long hair was scattered on the ground, her eyes were wide open, and her hatred and unwillingness were written all over the place. Xiaowan screamed sadly: "Don't! Don't! This is too cruel! It's too cruel!" In her mind, she had already regarded Mei Ying as her dearest and dearest friend. At this moment, how could she feel so sad to see her suffering?She was crying, shouting, running and beating in the phantom, like crazy. The sound of the car engine starting could be faintly heard downstairs, Meiying seemed to feel something, she suddenly broke free from the cripple, and rushed to the window, just in time to see Zhang Chaotian's back, he was about to get into the car - she desperately Pushing open the window, he screamed, "Wait a minute, I want to ask you something..." At the same time, Shui Xiaowan yelled heartbreakingly: "Don't—" But it was too late. It was too late, her stop was thirty-four years late. When the window opened, Ruomeiying flew out like a butterfly and fell down, a bell rang piercingly.And in Xiao Wan's hand, a bright yellow embroidered women's cap appeared out of thin air. ——The person was not rescued, and only grabbed a piece of clothing. The term in Beijing opera is called "grab". Meiying said that it was the one she sang "Changbanpo" back then. Under the eaves of the window, there was a copper wind chime hanging impressively, screaming again and again as if in shock—Xiao Wan could see clearly that it was the one beside her bed, her heart ached, she spurted out a mouthful of blood, and fainted past. And the ear-piercing bell was still ringing in the air.The colored peacocks shine on the eyes, and sparkle with the ringing of the bell.Zhao Momo couldn't bear it anymore, screamed, and rushed downstairs, and from a distance, she could still hear her screaming: "My mother jumped off the building, my mother jumped off the building, my mother jumped off the building..." The shrill screams shuttled and crashed in the alley, written into the brick wall, into the crack of the door, into history, and also into the dreams of unrelated people, making him break out in a cold sweat for no reason, thoughtful, but I don't know why. Mother Zhao, if her life is written down, it is not a tragedy with twists and turns, and it is a tragedy that has never had a bright spot. She has spent fifty years resigned to her fate in the self-pity of an orphan, and now she finally knows her true life experience and sees her mother's true face, but it is a tragedy that is extremely similar to her own but even more tragic. The fate of being hurt—and I once played a supporting role in this tragedy. How to face this guilt and pain?Crazy, perhaps is her only way out. I don't know how long it has passed, but in a trance, someone is calling softly: "Xiao Wan, wake up, wake up." Xiaowan opened her eyes and saw Atao sitting beside her. "A Tao?" She was a little surprised, "How do you know I'm here?" "Don't fall asleep, you will get sick." Atao looked at her pitifully, "You always don't know how to protect yourself." "A Tao..." Xiao Wan's tears flowed down again, "I've been looking for you everywhere, I have a lot to tell you..." "I understand." "You understand that?" "I understand." Atao nodded affirmatively. Xiaowan's tears were still wet, but she showed a pitiful smile: "Then you promise me, don't leave me again, okay?" "Xiao Wan..." "A Tao, I love you. I have fallen in love with you since I heard you sing at the subway station half a year ago. You know that, right?" "Xiao Wan..." "I can't miss you this time. A Tao, I know you like me too, right?" "Xiao Wan..." "Every time, I am worried that this meeting will be the last. Every time, I am afraid that you will suddenly miss the appointment like half a year ago, and there has been no news since then. I don't know when you will appear and when you will leave. I have nothing to do with you. Be sure, falling in love with you is like falling in love with a shadow, you don't know where you will be in the next minute. Why don't you hug me? Kiss me? Why not? Why?" In the weakness and sadness, Xiao Wan hurriedly said Talking, afraid that after this moment, I will no longer have this kind of courage, "A Tao, let us be together, okay?" "Xiao Wan." Atao interrupted her, looked at her firmly, and said word by word: "Remember what I told you: when a man rejects the woman he loves, he will be more than that in his heart." Women suffer more." "A Tao..." Xiao Wan's heart was broken.Excessive grief combined with disappointment had left her mind barely able to think.What does he mean?Is he going to reject her?He rejected her, he rejected her, he rejected her... How is it possible? "A Tao, you don't want to be with me? You don't love me?" Atao turned around and didn't answer. Xiaowan stands up with difficulty while supporting the wall, unwilling to let Atao see her tears again.He refused to accept her love. He made her fall in love with him twice, but both times made her despair. How much betrayal and indifference can a heart bear?Xiaowan is Crystal's darling, and she can't stand this kind of torture anymore. She tried her best to get out of the door and walked downstairs slowly. Every step she took seemed to be stepping on her heart, feeling the dull pain in her heart, soft and continuous, as if there was a stirring rod there Stirring constantly, pain after pain, endlessly, but with the stirring, the physical strength and vitality gradually thinned out, brittle like confetti. No more love, no more love, no more love.Life is gray with no love and no answers.More than 30 years ago, Mei Ying called Zhang Chaotian's name and jumped off the thirteenth floor, but today, more than 30 years later, on the same building, Shui Xiaowan only had tears in her eyes. Walking down grayly under the watchful eyes, people today are far less resolute than people in the old days, but the pain is eternal. Suddenly her body went limp, Xiaowan stepped on the ground and rolled straight down...