The singing is drifting among the mountains and rivers. If parting is fate, if sadness is a line, if each other's affection is just pretending to be mad, then at least the landscape is real, the pure beauty in this song is real, and the faint sadness in the air at this moment is real. The love in the romantic place is just this moment, this moment, gathering today and leaving tomorrow, like floating clouds and duckweeds gathering and scattering with the wind, completely unable to control one's own destiny. Every day is a new beginning, and every day is the end of the world.Maybe it's not completely unhappy, but happiness is a word written on water, and it will not leave a trace when it floats away.Sadness is eternal and far away, sleeping at the bottom of the river. Mr. Wu held my hand, as if he was deeply moved by the singing, he pondered for a long time, and suddenly asked: "Wenny, there is a saying, it's a bit fake to ask now. But, if I don't know the answer, I will not be reconciled." I looked at him in amazement, his eyes were full of guilt and nostalgia.What is the problem?It's so hard to say.I encouraged him to speak with my eyes. He laughed a little self-deprecatingly, and finally asked with difficulty: "Wenny, I don't know your name yet." "What?" I didn't respond for a moment. He was even more shy: "We've been dating for so long, I still don't know what your last name is before the name Wenny, what's your real name when you're not singing?" My eyes suddenly became wet.He lowered his head and answered word by word: "My surname is Yun, and Yun Wuxin." My name is Yun Wuxin. Because my mother's name is Yunxiu.Yunxiu is a well-known and well-known strong woman in the advertising industry! "Yun Wuxin came out of Xiu." Mom never forgets to remind me that it is her masterpiece in any detail, and also imprints my name on it. When I was eight years old, I took the household registration booklet and ran to the police station to change my name. "Why did you change the name?" asked the uncle behind the high platform. "I don't like the surname Yun, and I don't like being called Wuxin even more. I think the surname is Feng, how about Fenghuaxueyue?" "Like a Japanese." The uncles and aunts laughed together.Enough laughing, tell me: "The name can't be changed just by changing it, there must be a valid reason. Your reason is not sufficient." My reasons are not good enough. Mom's reason?What reason did she use when she changed my name?Is that enough? Grandpa's surname is Yun.So my mother's surname is Yun. But I, according to the habits of Chinese people, I shouldn't have the surname Yun in the first place.I should take my father's surname as Zhang. Although it is vulgar, it is more reasonable. In the words of the uncle at the police station, there are good reasons. But my mother has the ability to overturn this convention, and change my surname to her for me with more sufficient reasons, the surname is Yun, and Yun Wuxin. My mother divorced my father when I was three years old. In my impression—or in the legend, who knows, three-year-olds don’t have many objective impressions of the world—in my impression, my father is a kind and tall man who would cool me with a fan in summer. But he is worthless. This is what my mother said.My mother said: "Your father is worthless and has no ability. He doesn't seek to make progress, and he doesn't allow his wife to be famous, but he will still take his wife's money to go out and spend it." This "flower" has two meanings: one is to spend money, and the other is to spend money. Isn't it contemptible for a man who spends his wife's money to care for his heart?This leaves me with no reason to object to Mom and Dad divorcing.Of course, even if I object, it is invalid. Regarding the divorce, my mother felt a little guilty to me, but she pushed it to fate, pointing at me and sighing: "Daughter, you were born at the wrong time." I was born at the wrong time. My grandfather was not born at the right time. Our family is a little out of date. My grandfather was born in 1898, and caught up with the reform right after he was born. The children of banner people can no longer receive food money from the court, and have to earn money by themselves. Grandpa is a hereditary Xiaoqi school, but he can't ride a horse or shoot an arrow, and he has never participated in the royal family gifts such as worshiping the sky in Changbai Mountain and hunting in the autumn paddock.His ability and scenery in his life are nothing more than playing kites, fighting dice, playing bubbles, and collecting antiques and beauties. Grandma was the last beauty he illuminated before the oil ran out. He gave her a lot of jewelry and bright clothes, but he often asked her back after sending them out, and sent new ones every few days. Grandma was puzzled at first, but later realized that those jewelry had been put into a pawn shop. The members of the Yun family are all regular customers of the pawnshop, sending in things they don't need in front of them in exchange for today's luxury and hustle and bustle. Gradually, she realized that the huge Yun Mansion was just an empty shelf, beautiful on the outside, but already empty inside. The Yun family has relied on pawns and credit for half of their life since the reform. Grandma had already foreseen the dismal end of the Yun family at the most glorious time in her life, and secretly prepared the way forward. It's a pity that I didn't have time. I didn't expect the disaster to come so quickly, so suddenly and completely. When the family was separated, everyone found that there was almost nothing left in Yunfu except debts.Antique dealers flocked in and shook their heads to appraise grandpa's collection. In fact, everyone knew that the price was completely black, but no one came out to uphold justice.Grandpa's drinking and meat friends were scattered, and even the poker friends who played cards at the same table before his death were afraid to avoid it. Grandma experienced the cruelty of the world at that moment more than she experienced in the three years of being a prostitute.She later said to her mother: There are no gentlemen and good people in the world, but clients and prostitutes. This sentence later became the ancestral motto of our Yun family daughter.motto. I very much hope that one day when I erect a monument for my grandma, I can engrave this sentence on the monument: People in the world are nothing more than clients and prostitutes. This is the most meaningful aphorism uttered by my little-educated grandma in her life. Her mother's divorce became a turning point in her relationship with her grandma. Since she ran away from home and went to the countryside soon after, the mother-daughter relationship between her and her grandma has long existed in name only. Over the years, although the mother and daughter lived in Beijing, they only met each other twice.Once when my mother got married, and once when I was born. It is said that my grandmother once opposed my mother's marriage.She knew the man like a steelyard, she just took one look at her father and concluded, "This man can't be with you forever. A man is for use, but look at his white appearance, he is destined to eat Soft rice for a lifetime." Of course my mother wouldn't listen. ——If she listened, how could there be me? But when I was three years old, my grandmother's words were verified. On the second day after the divorce, my mother learned from the painful experience, hugged me to the door of my grandma, knelt on the ground and said, "Mom, now I understand your painstaking efforts, please forgive me." Of course grandma forgave her.Grandma spent half her life waiting, waiting for the day when she would be eligible to have the opportunity to forgive her unfilial biological daughter. She helped her mother up, cried with her, and said, "Xiu'er, Xiu'er, Mom never blamed you, as long as you don't blame Mom." I never knew whether my mother took the initiative to reconcile with grandma because of sincere repentance, or if it was a new use—using grandma to help her take care of me.a drag. Grandma scolded her mother for being her burden, but she didn't really think so in her heart. My mother never scolded me like this, but her subsequent behaviors actually proved this point—for her, I was just a burden. She never refused to admit that I was her daughter in front of people. After the divorce, she turned ups and downs in love and business at the same time, and soon skyrocketed, and she was nominated for ten outstanding entrepreneurs and famous advertisers. ——How could she let people know that she already had a daughter that old, which would make her live up to the eternal beauty of twenty-five years old that God gave her. Natural beauty is hard to give up.So the only one who was abandoned was the biological daughter who leaked the secret. Anyway, her surname is Yun, and mine is also surnamed Yun.It is logical to say that we are sisters. I would visit her occasionally during holidays, and when there were guests, I would call her "cousin" loudly. No matter how calm my mother was, she was still a bit shy, and she taught me behind her back: "Forget about yelling vaguely, why bother shouting all over the room." I knew she was embarrassed, so the voice of calling "cousin" became louder and crisper. Fighting against my mother is the most important thing in my life. Although, it turns out that the road I walked has been confirming her road.Including rebellion, including running away from home, including being a prostitute. I said there was no communication between our mother and daughter.She is not the kind of mother who can tell her daughter about the family history of revolutionaries.The memory of before the age of three is too hazy.I've always wondered how a woman like my mother would choose a man like my father as a husband.Maybe, my mother also has a young and innocent time?Whereas the literature is full of mothers who tell their daughters every detail of dating when they were young, my mother only asked me to be a virgin until marriage. "Were you a virgin when you got married?" I asked my mother. She was very annoyed, but suppressed her anger and nodded: "Yes, your father is my first man." "Now? How many men have you had now? Can you count them?" I asked again. This time my mother became angry and pointed at the door to tell me to get out. I shook my head at her: "Mom, if you really want me to be a lady, you shouldn't be a shrew first." She was so angry that I laughed, stopped for a while, and said with a weary look: "I once thought about being a good wife to a man, but it didn't work out, so I can only be the mistress of men all over the world." To be the mistress of men in the world.This is what my mother said, and she did it. Always felt that my mother was more of a prostitute than my grandmother.It was also selling her body in exchange for real profit. What she did was far more despicable than the real prostitutes in Bada Hutong. But the media just wants to set up such a person as a role model.As long as she remembers to share with others when she makes money herself, as long as she occasionally acts as a volunteer in the welfare home during the holidays, as long as she pays taxes according to the law and does not forget to pay various charitable donations... Well, she is a role model. From an ordinary female worker to a top ten entrepreneur, she "slept" all the way, sex as a matchmaker, money paving the way, invincible. I also live in black and white upside down.But more straightforward than her. I've lived the night as if it were day, and been a veritable geisha in "Night Angel."Wearing brand-name clothing, wearing platinum jewelry, chatting with people in Chinese and English, holding a glass of red wine elegantly from time to time and accurately stating its production year and place-of course, the media also has a good name for people like us, It is called "petty bourgeoisie". The so-called media is to confer beautiful titles on unbeautiful people and things, and at the same time criticize some innocent people, until they can't tell right from wrong at all, and have to be at the mercy of the media like fools.It's called fashion. The other meaning of fashion is cynicism, obsequiousness, rebellion, and cruel youth-needless to say, I have achieved the ultimate in all of them. Helplessly, no matter how much I hate my mother, I can't change the fact that her blood is flowing in my body. Our faces are becoming more and more similar day by day, with the same big eyes that never seem to be opened, the same slender eyebrows that fly into the temples, the same plump and moist cherry lips, and even the same smile on the left cheek. A red mole on the right cheek of the dimple. Whenever I look in the mirror, I see not only myself, but also the mother I hate. This is the most terrible curse of fate on us mother and daughter. When we were about to go down the mountain, we met Qin Jin. At this time, it is dark in the evening, and it is light and cold.After handing over the boat and going ashore, we saw wild flowers blooming in the mountains, so many gorgeous colors collide with each other and are infinitely harmonious, those are the colors that no bold fashion designer dare to mix together, but in the setting sun Next, in the spring breeze, they bloom so boldly and confidently. This is freedom. Qin Jin stood among the gorgeous mountain flowers, his gray jacket flapping and closing in the wind. He was clearly wearing the latest "Nike" sportswear. Come from ancient times. At that moment, more than any other moment, I had a stronger feeling: Qin Jin was a person from the old times, he walked out of the hall of Qin bricks and Han tiles, and he was the corpse of the Terracotta Warriors and Horses. Miss Qin waved her hand and called his name. Qin Jin turned his head and squinted his eyes under the setting sun. The setting sun put a golden border on his hair. He was so handsome that his heart beat faster. For many years since then, whenever I think of Qin Jin, the image of a sunset warrior comes to my mind. That night, the setting sun was like blood, and there was a faint fishy-sweet smell in the air. Qin Jin came over and told us that Xiyan fainted on the mountain just now, and he had already carried her down the mountain and borrowed a private room in a small tavern to rest.Now, they came up to inform us specially. He called Shelly Xiyan, a detail that offends me. "Shelly passed out?" Miss Qin called out, "She was fine when she was rowing, why did she suddenly pass out?" Qin Jin shook his head, with the word "Chuan" carved between his brows: "I don't know either. When the boat reached the middle of the lake, Xiyan suddenly complained of seasickness. We pulled up to the shore. Only when we went up did we find that it was a cemetery. I wanted to wear it Passing by the cemetery to find some water to drink, Xi Yan suddenly pointed to a tombstone and called: 'Why is this so?' and passed out." We looked at each other in blank amazement. After finding the tavern, Xi Yan was already awake, her lips were blue and her face was pale, she was sitting in a corner blankly, as if she had just cried, and there seemed to be tears on her face. On Xiyan's face, I saw the shadow of death. I can clearly distinguish the taste of death, just like a bat distinguishes obstacles in the dark, not because of liking, but because of awe.From childhood to adulthood, I have chased the footsteps of the god of death so many times that I can accurately smell the gloomy and gloomy breath wherever the old man has appeared. The Yun family is a big family, and although they knew each other and didn't know each other when they were alive, it's not that they don't know each other until they die. Funerals are a big event of the Yun family, roughly equivalent to the Yun family's luncheon half a century ago.The so-called mourning behind the scenes, relatives of course hope that the bigger the scene the better, the more guests the better, so they always take the trouble to miss every distant relative and close friend and send out invitation posts one by one. And grandma always comes whenever she is invited. Grandma is very concerned about these funerals, because only when she receives the obituary will she remember that she used to be a member of Yunfu.To be able to attend the funeral of a relative of the Yun family as a member of the Yun family was, in her opinion, a recognition of her status. Since I was three years old, I have frequently attended various funerals with my grandma, sending off blood relatives one after another.Some of them, I didn't see their remains in the funeral home until they died.However, it is still necessary to follow the etiquette of the family to wear hemp and filial piety and kowtow to mourn. The first time I saw a dead person being thrown from the corpse bed into the furnace, I was so frightened that I screamed wildly, broke free from my grandma's hand and ran forward blindly, the adults grabbed my ribs, and I didn't understand why, so I punched Beating and kicking, screaming loudly like a wounded beast, while still frantically running towards the stove again and again.Later, people commented that I shouldn't be allowed to watch the funeral, children's eyes are too clean, and most likely they saw something they shouldn't see, and they were bewitched... That night, for the first time in my dream, I dreamed that I killed myself. Later, he raised the knife and dropped it frequently, feeling happy and enmity. When I attended the funeral, I always had the illusion that the person on the bed was killed by my own hands in my dream.I secretly peeped at the faces of the relatives of the deceased, identifying traces of death on their faces, and guessing whether they had seen through the secrets. Gradually, I could guess whether a person was dead or not just by looking at her face. The sadness on Xiyan's face made me feel clearly that she had just met the god of death and made a deal. Qin Jin handed her a glass of water, and asked with concern, "Is it better? Is it heatstroke? Or anemia?" "None." Xi Yan shook her head, looked at us helplessly, with a dazed expression, "I saw my father." "Your father?" Miss Qin called again, "Where did you see your father?" "In the cemetery. I saw Dad's stele. Lin Dazhi's tomb. I didn't know that Dad was dead and buried there." "Your father's name is Lin Dazhi? You don't even know whether he is dead or not?" We were even more surprised, "Could it be just the same name?" "No, the date of birth and death is written on the tombstone, which is my father's birthday. How could it be such a coincidence that he was born at the same time with the same name and surname?" "Your father is in Meizhou? Why has he never visited you?" "I haven't seen him for eight years." Xiyan looked gloomy and shook her head sadly: "My mother and I only know that he came to Meizhou... I came to Meizhou just to find him... I came here right after I graduated from university, so I gave up. Assignment, I came to 'Night Angel' just to find him..." It was as if the wind was blowing. I suddenly felt a chill down my back—an unexpected outing in the sun, a good paddling, and suddenly felt dizzy.Forced to go ashore, only to find a father's grave there.And that father has been missing for eight years... Does such a story really happen in real life? Is everything led by wronged souls? This bleak accident brought our visit to Pankeng to a hasty end. On the way back, I was shaking all the time. Life and death are inseparable, and the world is impermanent.I think of my mother, that gorgeous strong woman who will always stand.One day, she will also get sick, cry, grow old, be frustrated, and even step closer to death. If, if in the mountain tombs in Pankeng, I was the one who saw the tombstone, and the name on the tombstone was my mother, Yunxiu.what will happen to me No!impossible!Although I hate her, I wish she would lose, fall, and cry, but I don't want her to die, no!She is my mother, that will never change, my one and only mother, the source of my life. The imagining of death suffocated me, and I couldn't help pressing my hands to my chest.But then I realized that this was what Xiyan did just now. When I saw her in the tavern, she looked exactly like this, with her head lowered, her hands on her chest, trembling slightly.Eight years of anticipation and thousands of miles of searching, what she found was a lonely grave. What else could she do except pass out?At the moment of her coma, she must have longed for it. Everything in front of her eyes was an illusion, an illusion that she could refuse to admit after waking up. Maybe she even hoped that it was not just a coma, but death, the end, so that she would not have to face it all over again. Facing this cold world, she can hold the clothes of the god of death to find her father who has been missing for eight years... ——For some reason, at this moment, I seem to be one with Xiyan, and I can clearly feel her heartache. Mr. Wu was driving, put his free hand on my knee, and said softly, "Don't be afraid, I will take care of you." I shake up.He saw through me?He understands my helplessness and anxiety under my strong exterior?I suddenly wanted to throw myself into his arms and cry bitterly.However, before my tears welled up, Ah Rong's cry suddenly came from the back seat. A Rong buried his head in Gan Zai's arms, his shoulders trembled and his whole body trembled from crying.Ganzai was a little impatient, shook Arong's shoulder and said, "Don't do that, Wenny will laugh." I waved my hand: "It's okay, I can't see or hear, you go on." The life of day and night upside down has been too long, and we are gradually isolated from the world and different. We are "night angels", a group of living ghosts, with our own set of survival methods and rules of the game, all values ​​​​and outlook on life and under the sun. people are different. I also know that I am a different kind, so I become more and more coquettish and idiotic, and I am more or less neurotic, and I call it true temperament. To put it bluntly, it's just a joke. Ah Rong's excessive performance defeated my appetite.Not wanting to imitate Dong Shi, he had to stifle his tears and confession, and was relatively speechless for a while.Instead, it adds a little more love. On the radio, Sammi Cheng sang repeatedly: "One is alone with a fever, and the other is freezing on his lips. Negative and positive, each takes what it needs, how mysterious. Maybe God won't give it to me, no matter how tightly I clasp my arms, I will still Leak it; give it to me, no matter how much I have missed in the past, I will have..." I close my eyes and hear my heart cry...