Chapter 11 Shangguan Wan'er's voice

At night, I almost climbed the city wall from the north gate.But today is not the fifteenth day, no matter how heartbroken I cry and heartbroken, Qin Yue will never appear. For the first time, I felt regret and inadequacy for my great love of You Ming Wei Lu. In the piercing pain, what I need is not only the belief of mutual understanding, but also the comfort of holding hands. In the face of tears and weakness, no matter how great the soul, no matter how profound the truth, no matter how wise words, it is not as good as a simple hug, a warm hand that wipes my tears. I have never found that the night in the city is so desolate and cold.The sparse chirping of early cicadas only made it lonelier.There is no moon in the sky, and the starlight is torn to pieces by the wind, and my soul is torn, twisted, and mixed into it.

The darkness knocked the sense of guilt into my heart little by little.My heart is riddled with holes, no matter how difficult it is to heal. Throughout the night, I just sat alone on the city wall with my knees in my arms, crying, crying, guarding a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. Let the long hair dance wildly in the night wind. The sky finally lightened up little by little, and it was cloudy, as dark as my mood. I staggered down the city wall and met Xia Jiuwen at the gate who had heard the news. Suddenly, my heart became extremely weak, and I grabbed his arm and said, "Jiuwen, can you lend me your shoulder?"

Lying in his arms, I burst into tears. Jiuwen hugged me tightly, stroking my long hair and whispering comforting words in my ear. But I have calmed down and gently pushed him away. Nine Questions said: "Tang Yan, why do you have to be so self-denying, you really can't give me a chance?" I shook my head sadly: "Jiuwen, don't discuss this issue with me at this time, please." "Then at least, let me accompany you today." Jiu asked. I lowered my head and thought about it, and said, "Okay, you can accompany me home to see my father." Father and mother had been in love for half their lives, and with mother's departure, it seemed that half of his anger had gone with him, and his whole person collapsed, becoming dull and dull, either he didn't speak for a long time, or he talked endlessly.

The tape recorder played over and over again, mother's voice: "Hold your hand to Linqi, leave this haggard for nothing, and think about the hardest parting in life. There is less energy in talking, and there is no upside down in sleeping and sleeping. I don't know how to eat and drink. Like this Forget about eating and sleeping like that, getting thinner and thinner day by day due to frustration..." It is "A Chinese Ghost Story". My brother told me that my father hasn't had a sip of water since he came back from the hospital. My brother and I were on each side, holding the food and persuading him: "Father, eat more. If you have anything else, can you teach us how to do it?"

Dad slowly opened his eyes, looked at me and then at his brother, and suddenly burst into tears: "I thought, our family will live a good life, at least there will be decades of happiness, but I didn't expect your mother to leave like this!" quick……" My tears couldn't stop falling down, and I choked up and said: "Dad, Mom is gone, you still have brother, and me, you have to take care of yourself!" But my father just shook his head sadly, as if he didn't hear me clearly, and murmured along his own train of thought: "Before your mother left, she kept telling me to find a way to redeem your bracelet. We owe you. I know, you blame us in your heart, and your mother knows it well, but she told me that she didn't know what to do, what to do to make you like it. She asked herself that she had been working hard to make a Good mother, but in this matter, she is wrong, she owes you, those bracelets are a problem in her heart..."

"Dad!" My knees softened and I knelt down, "Dad, I owe you all. I owe you and mother too much. I will honor you well in the future. Please forgive me!" My brother hugged me behind himself: "Yan'er, don't cry, you have to take care, dad is getting old, don't care too much about what he says, don't take it too seriously, you understand?" I cried and fell into my brother's arms, crying so hard that I almost lost my breath. My brother kept patting me on the back and advised my father: "Dad, don't talk about it anymore, Yan'er won't be able to bear it."

However, once his father's confession flooded, he couldn't stop it anymore. This was the first time he spoke in a day and night, and he couldn't do it if he didn't want to. So my father picked me up next to the ruins of the Daming Palace 23 years ago, and talked about it until I went to college, rented a house to live in another place, resigned without saying hello, went out to film, rarely went home except on holidays, and never stayed overnight when I came back. ... He talked endlessly like that, and every sentence was like a whip, whipping on my regretful and unbearable heart.For the first time, I discovered that the 23 years of father and daughter getting along was a long torture for each other. What we have accumulated with love is endless invisible pain and grievance.

Dad said, in fact, every night when I cried alone, he and my mother were also tossing and turning, but they didn't know how to communicate with me.I am not their biological, but a girl, a sensitive and vulnerable girl, they have no experience, how to be the adoptive parents of such a girl.They have never regretted taking me in and raising me, because I have always been a sensible and motivated boy. However, they have been embarrassed by my overly sensible and strong for more than 20 years. They are afraid of seeing me cry, But I also worry about why I can't cry loudly like ordinary children.They have always wanted to be a pair of enlightened and upright parents, so they never deceived me, respected me as a friend, and carefully protected my fragile heart. One day, they are more alienated and separated from them, and they don't even want to live with them anymore.

"Yan'er, when you were 3 years old, you already started to read and read books and comics independently. You always pick those "Snow White", "Alice in Wonderland", "The Wandering Child" to read, Your mother is very worried, and can't sleep all night, saying that you will run away from home one day, go wandering, roaming, and look for your biological mother. You have been a child with rich imagination since childhood, and you are very creative. My opinion, we are really scared, afraid that you will take the story as real life and practice it by yourself. So we never dare to criticize you, or even dare to speak to you loudly, for fear of hurting you and making you do radical things Come on, but you still don’t appreciate it. Your mother kept saying that she was a real failure. She didn’t know how to be a good mother and how to satisfy you. She left very regretfully, saying that it was God’s blessing for her that she couldn’t see you before leaving. Punish, punish her for not being a competent mother..."

"Dad, Dad...don't talk about it. It's my fault, it's all my fault, I hurt my mother! I'm ignorant, my mother is the best mother, the best, mother, mother..." I began to howl, one after another, unable to stop.Dad said, I liked to cry since I was a child, but I never wanted to cry out loud.But now, I hissed and howled like a wounded beast, and I was so excited that I couldn't help jumping up, clenched my fists, beat my head frantically, stretched out my hand and slapped myself on the face again and again , slapped both cheeks until they were swollen, but still couldn't suppress the regret and self-blame that hurt like a knife in his heart.

My brother and Xia Jiuwen took my hands one by one, shouting: "Yan'er, Yan'er, don't do this, my mother's death was an accident, not your fault, don't blame yourself too much..." But I was completely in a mess. I didn't know where I got so much strength. I broke away from the hands of the two big men and slammed into the wall. Amid Jiu Wen's loud cry, my brother rushed forward to block me. We The two rolled to the ground together, and I finally passed out. When I woke up again, it was already midnight.My elder brother stood by my bed and said without waiting for my question, "Dad is already asleep, it's fine." "Brother, thank you..." Before he finished speaking, his voice was already hoarse. My brother patted me silently, and his eyes were red. The death of his mother made Tang Yu mature a lot overnight.For the first time, I realized that my brother was so kind and lovely.I have been brother and sister with him for more than 20 years, and it was only tonight that I finally experienced a kind of heart-to-heart connection for the first time. At my mother's memorial service, many people came. I never knew that there were so many friends in our family, so many kind-hearted people who loved my mother and regretted her passing.The old sisters of the theater sang "The Burial of Flowers" in front of their mother's coffin: "Flowers wither and fly all over the sky, who will pity when the red fades and the fragrance dies..." I could clearly recognize my mother's voice in the chorus, and she sang along, earnestly and without bullying, completing the last performance of her life. I even really heard her call to me: "Yan'er!" "Mom!" I rushed forward instinctively and almost fell, but fortunately I was supported by a pair of hands. I turned around and saw that it was a noble and desolate middle-aged woman with a well-fitting black dress, a dignified face, and caring eyes. In the eyes, there was an indescribable familiarity and kindness.She asked, "Yan'er, how are you?" But then my brother came over and took my hand and greeted the guests one by one.When he turned back, the woman had disappeared. I don't know who she is. Afterwards, my brother asked, "Whose guest is that?" I replied, "Maybe it's my mother's friend." My father said: "No, I know all of your mother's friends, but I have never seen this person before." After thinking for a while, he suddenly raised his head and looked at me, "She looks very much like you... Yan'er, she has Didn't tell you anything?" "No." Father pondered: "Could it be..." "No!" I said decisively, "There used to be a person in this world who gave me care, love, and raised me. She was the only mother in my life. Her name was Zhou Qinglian." We never spoke of it again, and I never saw the man again. Or rather, I deliberately don't want to see it. I didn't tell my father that the woman actually contacted me again later, hoping to make an appointment with me, but I declined.I don't want to know who she is, nor do I care what she has to say. When I was young, I was a girl who had too many fantasies, but the love of my parents has made all my fantasies come true.I don't need any other truth. After my mother's funeral, my father seemed to be ten years old suddenly, his hearing and eyesight were not as good as before, he sighed frequently, and he had to repeat several times before he could hear clearly. I was so worried that I almost didn't want to go back to Luoyang.But my brother urged: "Don't worry, I'm here. Act well. Although our family is considered to be half a family, but my mother has sung for half her life and has never become famous. This wish can only be fulfilled by you. " The night before I left, I finally met Qin Yue at the top of the city. I asked him: "You said that people have souls, so where is my mother's soul? Can I see her again and say sorry to her face?" Qin Yue shook his head pityingly: "You blame yourself too much. Your mother's death was an accident and has nothing to do with you. Don't abuse yourself like this. Not only will it not help, but it will even hurt the living." "But I can't even dream of her, and her spirit won't come to see me." Qin Yue said: "The soul also has different forms and exists in different forms and states. Your mother didn't protect you day and night. It's not because she doesn't love you, it's just that she expresses it differently. Your love will never change, just like the gentle wind and drizzle, loving you in a way you have never noticed. Therefore, only if you live well is the best reward for her. Otherwise, you will let her down too much. " "But I never even peeled a pear for her." "Then cut one now, it's the same. Also, treat your father better. A mother's love is always unconditional. If she must make her request, then taking care of your father is her right." Your only wish." "I have decided to move back home and take care of him forever." "Then, you don't have to blame yourself for your past negligence, and you should learn to forgive yourself." "But will mother forgive me?" "She never blamed you." "So, is she still regretting that we're not the most loving mother and daughter in the world?" "No. On the contrary, she is really relieved to be understood by you at last." "Qin Yue, tell me, what is the world of the soul like?" "Just like the real world, there are good and evil, good and evil. Only when hatred and ugliness are eliminated forever in the human world can the world of ghosts gain peace and tranquility." "You mean to say that the so-called soul is the heart of a person?" "It can also be said this way - it is the immortal thing in human nature, which exists in the world in another form after the disappearance of the body, forming an aura. Because of their unfinished grievances or unfulfilled wishes, But nostalgia for the human world can't bear to leave, and because of the virtues endowed in life, it turns into good and evil, which are incompatible, just like the human world." An invisible needle is pulling a gentle thread to stitch my broken heart little by little. I asked Qin Yue: "In the universe, are there many souls like you?" "A lot, a lot. But we only exist because of emotions, and we have different encounters because of emotions. Not only can you not see each of us, even we ourselves can only pass each other because of different encounters. I don't know each other." "That is to say, you and I are destined, so only I can see you." "As you said, it was you who called my name and brought me back to life." The lover is the angel of the lover.In the eyes of the lover, the other person is always the best, the most perfect, the greatest in the world, who has the ability to bring the dead back to life, change the world, and surpass all other people. It will always be this one, which cannot be confused or replaced. Love is all the same. On the day I left, Jiu Wen came to see me off at the station. Before I got on the train, he suddenly asked, "Your sweetheart is your brother, right?" I just find it unbelievable, and I don't know where he came from such a strange imagination. Jiu Wen said: "I said, why are you so determined? I didn't know until I heard your father's words that day. It turns out that your brother is not your real brother. Now I know why you said that I was thousands of years later than him. Your love started from It was already doomed in infancy, right?" I was very surprised that he would come to such an interesting conclusion. But by this time, I already knew Jiuwen and myself very well.When you love someone, you only have the other person in your eyes, and you can't see anything else.But Jiuwen is not such a person. He wants to hold tightly with one hand when he sees something, but his heart and eyes are still traveling around the world and refuse to stay.No no no, that's not love, that's possessiveness. So I let him continue to misunderstand, which is good, at least it can save the trouble of explaining. I finally set off again.When I returned to Luoyang again, there was something broken in my eyes, an irreparable pain—the kind of pain that my mother engraved in my life with her life. Grief wrapped me like an overweight fur, and I knew I would never forgive myself in this life. Xi'an to Luoyang, Luoyang to Xi'an.This is exactly the journey that Waner accompanied Wu Zetian to travel time and time again. Almost every time, there will be new killings, new deaths, new hatred and coups.Abandoning the virtuous and setting up a prominent figure, the rebellion of the five kings, the Shenlong revolution, two swords, Zhongzong's reign, empress Wei's chaotic government, and Longji's rebellion, forcing Wan'er to be killed. Hehe, Longji rehabilitated.But who can tell clearly, who is right and who is wrong?It is nothing more than life and death, and the winner is king. Filming has come to an end. In the fourth year of Jinglong (710), Queen Wei poisoned Zhongzong and ordered Wan'er to draft an edict on his behalf.Wan'er originally proposed to make Li Chongmao the emperor and Prime Minister Li Dan the prime minister.Empress Wei refused, and ordered Li Dan to be changed to Prince Taishi. On the night of June 20th, Li Dan's third son, Linzi King Li Longji, secretly returned to Beijing. He conspired with Princess Taiping and Minister of War Cui Riyong to seek rebellion, broke into the Taiji Hall, and wiped out Webster and his nephew.Later, he entered Zhaorong's bedroom, intending to kill Wan'er. The palace maid panicked and fled in all directions, but Shangguan Wan'er did not panic, swept her eyebrows lightly, daubed Danzhu lightly, and ordered the palace maid to hold red candles to stand on both sides of the palace gate. Li Chongmao was the emperor, and Li Dan, the prime minister, was the original draft of the edict, and reported the whole story to the king of Linzi.However, Li Longji hated his family feud and was filled with righteous indignation. He couldn't listen to any explanations and excuses, so he swung his knife like a rainbow and slashed at the flag. It was time for the red candles to shed tears and the palace curtains to be bleak. I walked through the long corridors, walked through the deep night, and walked between reality and history. The moonlight was like water, and the wind was like weeping. Standing in front of Li Longji, facing the sharp knife he held up high, I suddenly felt all hopeless and extremely tired, and asked in a low voice: "Is it really for justice that you want to kill me? " The actor who played Li Longji was taken aback, thinking that I had memorized the wrong lines and couldn't answer for a while. I knew that there was a drama in front of me, but I couldn't help but filled with grief and indignation, my thoughts surged, and I said generously: "A man's bounden duty is to protect women. This is a truth that even the most ordinary soldiers understand. But as a dragon and phoenix among people The descendants of the royal family have no distinction between male and female yin and yang. They only know how to kill each other and fight for power. This is because you have gained too much since childhood, so you have lost a lot, and even lost the natural virtue of human nature. This palace Everyone in the world is unhappy. A woman wants to be Zhaoyi after being a Jieyu, a concubine and a queen, and finally becomes the mother of the country, but she is unwilling to be a helper and hopes to be the emperor; Thinking of constantly grabbing, grabbing more wealth, more power, and more beautiful women, treating everyone around me as a weapon or tool, or using, or eradicating, but never thinking of giving. Whether it is treating relatives or women , they don't have any warmth and sincerity. But on the other hand, they want to pretend to be righteous, yell, and pretend to be heroes who worry about the world's worries first, take the world's affairs as their own responsibility, and do justice for the sky But, can you answer me what is Dao? Killing me is practicing Dao? Then, what is it that the Emperor Wu killed my ancestors and killed my father? Is it also practicing Dao? We Shangguan family members have served the royal family for generations, but in the end we can’t do it. A good death. It’s just because we followed the wrong master. But, what is right? What is wrong? It’s just the victor king, the loser, this time and that time. In fact, where is there justice and evil? Justice The balance is always tilted, sometimes to the left and sometimes to the right. We are just weights on the balance, and we have not had time to change the direction in time; we are just loyal servants of the royal family who are as small as dust. In the face of power, we are completely powerless to choose Is it wrong to follow one's own destiny, but to obey it? Is this to be damned? Well, I hope your sword can become sharper and brighter after drinking my blood, and it can make you more open Climb to the throne of the emperor without hindrance. But you have to remember that one day you will regret it, and you will be ashamed for your whole life because you swung your sword at a woman. And I can finally stop worrying about right and wrong in the world. Worried about the ups and downs of grievances and grievances, I can sleep peacefully from now on. Let these edicts to marry people go to hell. These are not what I want to say, not my own voice, nor my will. Only my poems Wen, the crystallization of my hard work, is the real Shangguan Wan'er. After thousands of years, your bones will decay with the earth and trees, but my poems will still be recited by the people. Only then will you know that I am the real Shangguan Wan'er. the strong!" There was a dead silence around, and I could clearly hear the light "click" sound of the machine and people's breathing. The poor "Li Longji" who was acting opposite me had already been stunned by my long speech, but because I didn't hear the director call to stop , I had no choice but to bite the bullet and continue acting, swinging a sword back and forth, looking worse than a soldier, where there is still the aura of an emperor. I wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes with my hands, and gently recited a poem: "At the beginning of the Dongting under the leaves, I miss you for thousands of miles. The dew is fragrant and cold, and the moon is falling on the screen. I want to play Jiangnan songs, including Jibei Book .There is no other meaning in the book, but I am sad for a long time away..." The wind is flowing like water, the long night is coming to an end, and the director has already given the final order to slash with gestures. Li Longji raised the long sword in his hand in a daze, and the tip of the sword shone with an unusually cold light, which was terribly cold.But for some reason, he looked at me, but the sword just couldn't cut through. The candle has not yet turned to ashes, but the tears have run out. I stared at the tip of the sword and walked forward without saying a word, staring deeply, deeply at him, the emperor of the past, and the actor of today.Suddenly smiled, and rushed towards the long sword, the point of the sword penetrated into the chest, the red dye bag on the chest that was about to be hidden was punctured, blood dripped down, and I fell down limply, like crushing a peach blossom The ground is full of red, and it is difficult to help Yushan topple. The play was so realistic that Li Longji screamed out loud and instinctively rushed over and hugged me in his arms. The director shouted excitedly: "Good!" The whole group breathed a sigh of relief, as if they had just woken up, everything was just a show. And "Li Longji" was still immersed in the play and couldn't come back to life: "How could this happen. Miss Tang, please tell the little branch before changing the play next time, don't make me look like a dumb bird." I was ashamed: "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I missed the scene. May I retake this part?" The director was overjoyed: "It's like 'Thousands of years later, when your bones and civil engineering will decay together, my poems will still be recited by the people'. That's the kind of emotion! Just act like this! This one is good, come on, shoot again One, this time, Li Longji's expression should be more cooperative." But I can't repeat what I said just now, I just acted out the lines set in the script rigidly.The director was annoyed: "Why is it not as good as before? Just act like you did just now." "I, I..." I was embarrassed. The director already understood: "Isn't it a whim again? But your idea is very good. After all, Shangguan Wan'er is a poet. Our drama highlights her politician skills and talented woman's spirit too much. , but did not dig out the profound background of her poetic temperament. What you said just now really brought this Waner to life. Moreover, the details of this Waner rushing to the long sword instead of Li Longji's slashing and killing were changed. It is also very beautiful, more sensational, and more dramatic. Okay, let’s do it again. This time, we will focus on Li Longji. Still using the ending just now, Wan’er committed suicide, and Li Longji rushed forward and hugged her in his arms. Give a close-up of the face to show the shock and complexity of his heart." After the filming was over, my heart remained in the plot. I can't tell what happened to the confession just now?It was I who wanted to say it for Shangguan Waner because of my own feelings, or it was the lonely soul who died 1300 years ago who said it through my mouth.But I clearly know that if Wan'er really has a spirit in heaven, this must be her last voice!It must also be Li Longji's true feelings in the face of a generation of talented women. Perhaps, this explains why Li Longji, after killing Wan'er with his own hands and ascending the throne as the emperor, ordered the scholars of Jixian Academy to collect Wan'er's poems and essays into a book, and called her "Ming Shu Ting Sheng" in the preface of the poem. , Absolutely talented. Sensible, intelligent, listening, probing microscopic truths. Opening the book is like hearing the past, shaking the pen and flying like clouds, or sharing the same place..." This is precisely because he felt guilty and regretful for killing Wan'er Bar? That night, I missed Qin Yue more than ever.I want to tell him that I understand Shangguan Wan'er.I understand the true meaning of what he said about the immortality of the soul. Those uninvited memories that broke into my mind are a kind of breath and mood formed by Wan'er's great soul wandering alone in the world, right?They met me and were accepted by me, so I have the memory of Wan'er, her mood, feelings, temperament, and talent. I said for her what she wanted to say, that is to say, my own voice. Yes, I understand, just like the mysterious life experience that I was picked up next to the Daming Palace, like those eighteen bracelets that have experienced legends, like the plot that always flickers on and off in memory, all are fate, It is the law and the way of heaven in the dark, it is a kind of reincarnation! It's Qin Yue, it's Qin Yue who awakened my sleeping memory, Wan'er and I are actually alone! Qin Yue said that the biggest regret in his life is that he failed to keep the promise he made to Teacher Shangguan to take care of Wan'er. But now I want to tell him that he doesn't have to be sorry, he didn't break his promise, because he has fulfilled his promise to me, I am Wan'er, and he has given me enough care and guidance. His wisdom, his love, enlightened me, is more precious and more real than any kind of specific care in the world.