Chapter 10 Lust Caution

The phone rang again and again, but my response was always an indifferent phone message: "This is Shen Cao's home..." For the first time, I realized that Shen Cao and I were actually such strangers. Once he turned off his phone, I would never be able to find him again. All doubts are suppressed in the bottom of my heart.I didn't dare to provoke the God of Time anymore, and I deliberately avoided meeting Zijun.I don't want to make up with Zijun when Shen Cao is missing, that would be quite unfair to both of them and to myself. I can't make any judgments in this mood.

I visited the Changde apartment alone again and again, cleaned the room, changed the water for the daffodils, sat on the sofa and listened to music for a while, and even learned to smoke—bought according to the brand of cigarette butts left by Shen Cao. Although Shen Cao was not seen, his traces are everywhere. I finally went back to work at the company. After staying in Suzhou for a few days, I already felt tired of work, and when I returned to work, I felt that the long days were unbearable.The work handed over by the superiors could not be handed over until lunch time. Ah Chen then said: "To be a man, you must be content. You can earn a salary by sitting in an air-conditioned room for eight hours a day. If you still have to sigh, I'm afraid the Lord of Heaven will think you are wordy." He spoke as if he was the Lord of Heaven. Now, at least he is acting on behalf of the heavens, with the tone of a sage and a wise man, except for four words chiseled on his forehead: always correct.

But having said that, work controls work, and emotions control emotions. I shouldn't bring my emotions beyond eight hours to work to smudge them. So I put my head down and said, "I'm sorry, I'll do it right away." Ah Chen was very satisfied with my submissiveness, or that his own admonitions worked so well, so he began to lecture more and more in a confessional tone, and criticized my white shirt again in the same old way, as if I There is nothing good from head to toe, and she is simply not worthy of being a woman. I finally couldn't help it: "Manager Chen, if you keep talking like this, I'm afraid I won't be able to do it well after get off work."

Ah Chen's face was instantly congested with blood, turning into the color of a pig's liver. I feel happy that I should have told him to shut up a long time ago. But Ah Chen is not a person who can easily give up. His face turned from red to white, from white to blue, suddenly twisted his neck, and said through gritted teeth: "Gu Jinhe, don't think that you have climbed a tall branch, and Shen Cao , you can take advantage of the power of others, and open a dyeing workshop with three points of color, and the surname Shen has already married a new love, and may not be willing to cover you!"

This was almost insulting, I couldn't take it anymore, and shouted: "I don't need anyone to cover me!" Everyone in the office raised their heads. They were used to my resignation. They probably didn't expect that when the rabbit was in a hurry, it would really bite. Their faces showed surprise and curiosity. I had had enough. Suddenly, I felt that all this was so boring. Ah Chen's scheming, colleagues' gloating, and my own ambiguity made me feel that I couldn't bear it for another minute.I threw out the file in my hand and announced word by word: "I resign. I will never set foot in any sphere of Shen Cao's influence. He and I will never interfere with each other!"

Under the watchful eyes of everyone, I rushed out - how many times can I be so willful in my life? When I was sitting in the elevator, I hated to think, if I could use the God of Time to go to the time when Ah Chen was born more than 30 years ago, I would pretend to be a nurse and go into the nursery, grab his neck and force it hard, or this People disappear from then on. Suddenly, I feel that this situation seems familiar—isn’t it a bit similar to the bridge in the American blockbuster "Terminator"? I sneered "hehe" alone in the elevator. But as soon as I came to the Changde apartment, my tears rolled down my eyes.

Shen Cao has a new love?No wonder everyone in the office gave me such a weird look.At first I thought I was suspicious, but even the little intern girls were full of curiosity, looking at me and whispering to each other. It turned out that in their minds, I had become Shen Cao's old love of yesterday. When I needed comfort most, Shen Cao, he was not by my side, but made me even more helpless. I caressed the pointer of the God of Time, hesitating whether to borrow it again—no, no, of course it wasn’t the baby department of the hospital thirty years ago, it’s okay after thinking about it, I don’t have the guts to really kill someone, besides, A person like Chen can't hurt me that deeply, so naturally he won't make me hate him that much—it's still Eileen Chang I want to see.

Hu Lancheng, who Zhang Ailing fell in love with, was once a notorious but talented and romantic seed.He pursued her, but betrayed her, and finally made her write the sad and desolate letter of breaking up the relationship: "I don't like you anymore. You don't like me long ago. I made this decision after a year and a half of long-term consideration. At that time, I didn't want to add to your difficulties because of 'Xiaoji'. Don't come looking for me, even if you write a letter, I won't read it." That letter was written in 1947. 1947 was the year I wanted to go.

At that time, Zhang Ailing, after clearly facing Hu Lancheng's betrayal, still had to bear the burden of humiliation. "After a year and a half of long-term consideration", she finally made up her mind to write this letter of severance.How did she think clearly at that time? The "Xiaoji" in the letter refers to the turmoil in the current situation, Japan's defeat in the war, and the national government's search for traitors throughout the city. Hu Lancheng fled everywhere at that time, very embarrassed.At that time, although Zhang Ailing had already separated from Hu Lancheng, she was unwilling to break up with Hu Lancheng at this time, so she repeatedly delayed Russia. Xin officially divorced.Such a woman may be politically confused, but emotionally, she cannot but be admired.

Later she went to the United States, later she remarried, and later she died alone in a foreign land.In the meantime, he has always refused to meet Hu Lancheng again.She said she forgot about him. She forgot him.Just like I will forget Shen Cao after many years. The previous injury was as if the skin was sharply cut open by a knife, and a coin was stuffed in, and then slowly became inflamed, suppurated, and experienced various pains and tortures, and finally scabbed, scabbed, healed, and new flesh grew. After being exposed to the rain, that inch of skin was completely restored to its original state, and there was no trace of scars.

All traces have been erased, the skin pretends to forget everything, but the body records everything, deep in the blood, the coin is buried, every time the blood circulates, it passes by its side, and it is reviewed again, and then With its smell flowing throughout the body, permeating every inch of skin and every nerve ending.Until the breath also smells of memory and unspeakable pain, just like exhaling the smell of toothpaste after brushing your teeth in the morning. Is that so?Is that so? I want to see Zhang Ailing, I want to face her in 1947, and ask: Have you ever regretted it? When I saw Shen Cao again, it seemed like a lifetime away. He went to South America to shoot a film, and just came back, he said: "I heard that you resigned, so I came here immediately. Did that kid Ah Chen offend you? How about I twist his head off and make it into a football for you?" But the joke is not funny.And even if he can really do that, I won't feel happy, because in that case, Ah Chen's words will be verified: I am covered by Shen Cao. I shook my head and said, "It has nothing to do with him, it's my own bad mood." Shen Cao asked empathetically, "What happened?" "My grandmother passed away." I said, my voice suddenly choking. "It turned out to be like this." He suddenly realized, "I broke up with you at the Changde apartment last time, and you disappeared the next day. Then one day when I came home, I heard you leave a message on my phone, but you only called me by my name. You know how anxious I am! The next day I went to get the caller ID. But you stopped calling. But I have a new job and I have to catch the plane. In South America, across thousands of mountains Wan Shui, Jin He, I am really afraid that I will never see you again." How can you not be moved when you hear such words?I looked at him with tears in my eyes, the tears were still on my cheeks, but I was already smiling: "Cao Shen, do you still remember the woman in white you told me about?" "He is the angel of my life." I laughed, and as soon as I mentioned the mysterious "girl in white", Shen Cao sang hymns, but I didn't know that his "angel" was sitting opposite him at the moment.I deliberately asked again: "Is that woman beautiful? How is she better than me?" Shen Cao looked at me carefully and smiled: "Jinhe, you are a beautiful woman. In my mind, no one can compare with you. But that angel, she is beautiful and dignified, and there is a kind of noble bearing in her speech, as if she is compassionate A fairy, she cannot be compared with mortals." I was angry and funny, and continued to ask: "So, is she more beautiful or am I slightly better?" Shen Cao was troubled: "Jinhe, you are not usually so stingy. In my mind, she is unparalleled. Please don't ask me such questions again, okay?" Hmph, he actually thought that I was a petty and shallow woman who made trouble with him out of jealousy.I decided to tell the truth and surprised him: "But that person is me. I am the so-called angel you saw when you were a child. How can she be more beautiful than me?" Shen Cao was surprised: "Jinhe, what are you talking about? Do you care that I have other women in my heart? However, as I have already said, she is not any other woman, she is an angel. You don't have to Compared with her." I was anxious: "I'm not trying to compare. I'm telling you the truth, that person is me." Seeing the disapproval on Shen Cao's face, I had to remind him a bit more and asked him: "Did she wear a white shirt at that time?" "Yes." "Is it the same as the one I'm wearing now?" He looked at me suspiciously: "How could it be the same? The style from more than 20 years ago." "Then did she tell you: You will be very successful in the future, and many people will worship you, so please do well." "Yes." "You see, I know it all, because I am her." "But that's what I told you." I'm pissed off about it. Shen Cao is still trying to comfort me: "Don't worry, Jinhe, the admiration and respect for her will not affect our feelings, they are two different things." I'm at a loss, this guy doesn't care about anything, he has already deified me in memory, and refuses to admit that the Gu Jinhe he met when he was a child is the Gu Jinhe in front of him. In his mind, she has already grown a halo and wings, become a god.He refuses to humanize her, even to face her for who she really is.I really can't laugh or cry. "Jinhe, are you angry?" Shen Cao was even more disturbed. I smiled wryly, and answered angrily, "I'm jealous." I'm jealous of myself. Speaking of jealousy, I think of another thing. "By the way, Ah Chen said that you have a new love, what does that mean?" Shen Cao's face darkened: "Jinhe, you don't believe me?" "Of course I would like to believe you, but don't you feel that you owe me an explanation?" "But if you believe me, you won't ask me for an explanation at all." Shen Cao's face became ugly, "Jinhe, I never said that I have a clean history, but I promised you that from now on I will only treat you You are good alone. You should be satisfied with this, right?" Listening to his tone, it seems that I am making trouble out of nothing.I also became unhappy, bowed my head and did not speak. Shen Cao softened his tone and changed the subject: "I went to Changde Apartment just now and saw the daffodils blooming very well. Do you often go there?" I nod.I wanted to tell him that I used the God of Time to go back to his childhood, but after thinking about it, since he refused to believe that I was the mysterious girl in white, he naturally wouldn't believe what I said.What's more, telling him that I started the Time God without authorization will only cause him to panic, so why bother? In the end, I just said: "Shen Cao, I really want to see Eileen Chang again, Eileen Chang in 1947. This time, I will discuss the choice of love with her." Shen Cao is so smart, he immediately read my voice, and asked sensitively: "You are still undecided? That is to say, you still haven't accepted me?" "My grandmother just passed away. My heart is very disturbed. Shen Cao, don't force me to answer such a serious question, okay?" Shen Cao was silent, stubbed out the cigarette butts on the plate, stood up and said, "I still have something to do, I'm leaving first, and I'll let you know when it's arranged in a few days." He was offended.He is angry. I also silently got up and saw each other off, without holding back.I have not recovered from my injuries, and I have no time to save myself, and I have no spare energy to comfort the fragile hearts of others. The time is poor and the festival is now.At this time, I saw the congenital defects in Shen Cao's character. He is an orphan, a stubborn and sensitive orphan who needs more love and attention than ordinary people.He is also an artist, a self-centered artist, whose emotions are completely uncontrollable.He needs a partner who can not only inspire him at any time, but also pay attention to his emotions at any time. And me, I am already a person who needs to be taken care of by others, and I have no energy to take care of others.If you really love someone so much that you can sacrifice all your self-esteem and ego for him, maybe you can do it; but I am not that kind of woman, my greatness is only limited to saving the urchin who hit the stone while sleepwalking in Shanghai Shen Cao, tell him a few words of foresight and foresight, but it can't last forever, and he can only follow him in every detail at any time and anywhere. In my world, the most important person is still myself. I can't even promise him that I will give up everything and let him go to the end of the world.If I was 17 years old, maybe I would, but now I am 27 years old. In the past 27 years of hard struggle, he has not contributed half of it. Why should I sacrifice my future for him?At least when he was seven years old, I rescued him from the hands of a burly man who broke into an accident and smashed the glass, and preached to him a lot of truths. What has he done for me? It’s not enough to just rent an apartment in Changde to make me feel nostalgic for the past or invite me to bring my own cream when I drink coffee.I want more than this.But what is it?I can't know. The downstairs door rang softly, and Shen Cao walked out from the door. I stood on the patio and watched him leave. His back is straight, lonely and proud. Few men even look so handsome from the back.At that moment, I had the urge to run down and tell him that we should stop arguing, and I will go with you now, wherever I want. But the phone rang at this time, and it was Zijun: "Jinhe, I just found out today that you resigned, why did you hide it from me?" "I kept it from you because I never thought of telling you." I was a little annoyed, "Who stipulated that I should apply to you after resigning?" "You know that's not what I meant..." Zijun said anxiously, "There is a new movie coming out today, shall I treat you to a movie? Where are you going to have dinner at noon? How about I accompany you to the Town God's Temple?" It's hard for Pei Zijun to be honest, but he can hold back more than three choices in a minute. I couldn't bear to get up again, so I exchanged guns with him: "Zijun, I don't want to work anymore, I want you to support me for the rest of my life, watching movies and visiting temples every day." "Not every day. How about once a week?" "Twice. Once to watch a movie, once to visit a temple." I joked, true or false, I dare to say anything too much about Zijun, anyway, I don't have to be responsible for it. Same thing with Shen Cao.Make a promise.Every word and every action must be carefully considered before daring to speak.The thoughts two seconds ago and two seconds later are not necessarily the same, only in the blink of an eye, the urge to join hands in the world has passed, the weather is calm, and the spring dream has no trace. I was picking out the clothes to go out when the phone rang again. This time it was my mother who made a fuss and asked, "Daughter, you resigned? Why? What are your plans for the future?" "How do you know?" "Zijun said it when he called." Zijun has such a big mouth.I was secretly annoyed, and also a little surprised. I didn't expect him to talk to my mother more often than me. "I feel tired and want to take some time off and find another job with a more promising future." "That's fine too. Any directions?" "Several companies are talking to me and I haven't decided yet." It's not that I want to brag, but it is the minimum duty of a child to make mother feel at ease. "A Jin," the mother's tone was obviously hesitant, as if hesitating whether to say it or not, but finally said, "I saw He Chenglong." "Oh, how are you talking?" I gripped the phone tightly, feeling suddenly nervous. The mother's voice was obviously confused: "She is very gentle and polite, but she is full of momentum. When I am with her, I have no room to intervene." poor mother.I could only comfort him weakly: "She came to Suzhou just passing by, and she won't stay for a long time. After she leaves, your life will return to normal, and you will soon forget about it." "But will your father forget?" Mom asked back. I froze, speechless. Mom suddenly sighed: "If only your grandma was here." In a word, I even burst into tears. Then with a "click", my mother hung up the phone.And that sigh was still in my ears.Grandma left, and Dad's old lover came to the door again.More than 20 years ago, when He Chenglong appeared for the first time, it was my grandmother who took me to build the Great Wall of the family; today, more than 20 years later, He Chenglong is here again. Is it me as a daughter? But what about dad?As the mother's husband, he should be the one who protects the mother from harm. I sat down and began to write a long letter to my father, writing about his image in my mind, about the decades of love between him and my mother, about my grandma’s wish for our family to be together forever, about my daughter’s love for him. Blessings from parents... Perhaps the accumulated understanding he and his mother have accumulated over the decades of staying together is not as good as the conversation with He Chenglong, but these decades have passed, and he has truly experienced it, and he cannot erase it. No one can deny the story that has happened. Mom loves him, I love him, and of course he loves us too. I don't believe that Dad will leave us for He Chenglong. After I finished writing the letter, I seriously signed the words "Your daughter kowtows in a brocade box", and was about to find an envelope to seal it, when the phone rang again.Hey, resigning is more exciting than going to work. This time, it was my ex-boss: "Ah Jin, you resigned just because you said it. You know that I value you very much. Your resignation is a loss to our company. Are you dissatisfied with the treatment? If you have any opinions, you can put them forward, let’s discuss it. Don’t just leave, okay? My colleagues miss you very much, and I can’t bear you..." This phone call lasted for half an hour, and I was not flattered. If I really have a little use value for the company, it is not worth the boss calling himself to persuade me to stay.Excessive flattery just made me understand that all this is only because of Shen Cao's face, not for me.This makes me more and more grateful that I got out of the right and wrong in time. Although Gu Jinhe didn't have any extraordinary talents, he was capable enough to support himself, so why bother others to cover him?It's not a gangster, so why not find a backer boss to cover him? Facing the phone, I said clearly: "I plan to get married, so I won't come out to work again." One sentence blocked all his rhetoric, and I could imagine that the boss at the other end opened his mouth into an O shape. Gu Jinhe is getting married, of course he won't be Shen Cao, so the argument that I rely on Shen Cao's cover will be self-defeating. Knowing that doing this is a bit willful or even naive, but I have had enough, and I don't want to be treated as an accessory.Qi Dafei and Pei Zijun are the most suitable ordinary people for me.