Chapter 8 half life

I still haven't been able to break up with Zijun. On the way back from Changde’s apartment, I’ve already planned everything I want to say in my heart thousands of times. I want to tell Zijun that I’m sorry for him and I can’t fulfill my marriage contract with him. Our past has had happiness and quarrels, but in the future I will only I will remember his kindness; I want to tell him that loving someone requires many conditions, besides time and habits, the most important thing is to communicate with each other, but over the years, Zijun and I have talked about everything, but I can't really talk together all the time. I'm not interested in what he said, and he can't understand what I said.But Shen Cao, there is almost no need for too much language between him and me, just a look can already understand each other's thoughts.We don’t even need a hint of eye contact, because we are basically the same kind of person, he is like my other self, every word he does can pierce my heart; Jun confessed that the ideal that he told him last time was not a thing, but a person, and that person was Shen Cao.So, I'm going to ask him to forgive me and let us be friends with each other...

However, when I got home, Zijun was already waiting for me, his face full of anxiety, and the first words we met were: "Call from Suzhou, your grandma is critically ill, let's go back right away!" Anxious all night.Early the next morning, we caught the first bus back to Suzhou. He didn't even bother to call Shen Cao. Along the way, I just felt that I was racing against time, and I was struggling to hold on to the lapel of the god of death and begged: "Wait for me, give me a little time, let me catch up with your footsteps, and let me meet grandma." The moment I stepped into the gate of the hospital, I heard grandma's voice in a daze: "Is Ah Jin back?"

My grandma lives in Ward 306. I am not familiar with this hospital, but there is almost no need to verify the room number, and I rushed in all the way as if someone was leading me. However, when I pressed my hand on the doorknob of the ward, there was a sudden burst of heart-piercing crying. I knocked open the door and saw my mother crying hoarsely while holding my grandmother's body.I didn't go to the front, I didn't move, I didn't cry, and my mind suddenly became empty.From last night when I heard that my grandma was critically ill until now, anxiety and worry have occupied my whole heart, so that I haven't had time to feel the sadness. All I want to do is to see her right away, my dear grandma, my troublesome Half-big feet found my dear grandma who helped me fight injustices at school, my childhood refuge, my grandma who I have endured a lot of love from her but haven't had time to give half of it in return, oh grandma...

That night, I came to my grandmother's house to keep a vigil for her. Zijun finally persuaded his parents to go home and rest, and he stayed with me. The incense on the desk was on and off, and the portrait of my grandma smiled at me on the wall.I knelt on the mat and wept silently. Zijun put his hand on my shoulder: "Jinhe, you should sleep for a while too." "But I have a lot to say to grandma." "Tell me, it's the same for me." Zijun comforted me with a look of pity. I knew he suspected that I was too sad and nervous. But I insisted: "Grandma can hear you."

I believe grandma can hear it.As far as I can date Eileen Chang through sixty years of time, the one-night conversation between my grandmother and me beyond life and death is definitely not nonsense.The soul is free.What is the flesh? I don't believe that grandma will leave without seeing me.For those who love each other, life and death are symbols, while love and hate are the true meaning. Zijun couldn't stand it anymore and went to bed first.I am also getting hazy.However, a familiar breath made me wake up suddenly.It's grandma! The unique fragrance of toilet water on her body is almost extinct in women of this era. Only the old grandmother will insist on spraying toilet water every day to refill the perfume.I remember that I bought a bottle of brand-name perfume for my grandma when I received my wages for the first time after I started working, but my grandma opened the lid and smelled it, and immediately frowned and said, "What is the smell so strange? How can it smell like toilet water?" ?” At that time, I felt dumbfounded, but now I understand that just like I am obsessed with the romance of old Shanghai, my grandmother’s love for toilet water is also a kind of nostalgic attachment, right?Even compared to my nostalgia for the unimaginable old Shanghai, grandma's nostalgia is more real and sincere.

How superficial and ignorant I was when the young man accused my grandma of smelling and savoring! "Grandma, is that you?" I asked softly, tears came out of my eyes before the words. no respond.And Zijun snored lightly from next door. But my heart suddenly calmed down, and I knew that even if grandma didn't come to see me, she must know that I was thinking of her. We "know" each other. When I was young, when I was learning Chinese, when I was thirsty, hungry, sleepy, itchy, and unable to express myself, I would cry to protest, which often annoyed my mother and complained that I was a "crying man". .Only grandma, as soon as she heard the length of my crying, immediately knew the reason, and hurriedly provided the bottle and diaper in time to stop my crying; He will also lie quietly under her knees, with tears in his big eyes, blinking at her, and she will smile heartily, and all the pain and troubles will disappear.

Naturally, all of this was retold to me by my mother when I was growing up.However, I always feel that deep in my memory, I have not actually forgotten these details. No matter how young a child is, since he has thoughts and feelings, he must also have memories, right? From childhood to adulthood, my grandma and I have been inseparable for decades, and neither language nor life and death can separate our contacts. The scent of toilet water lingered, lingering all night. That was the last farewell between grandma and me. When cleaning up grandma’s belongings, my mother handed me a photo and said, “When your grandma left, you were the most important thing on her mind. She kept saying that her only regret was not being able to see you get married.”

That photo was taken when I was three years old. My grandma was holding my hand. The mother-in-law and grandson smiled at the camera. The background is a steeple building, which looks like a church. However, the whole building even the windows are covered. The ivy's vines are tightly bound, as if holding some huge secret. I took the photo and looked at it repeatedly, and suddenly found that the scene was very familiar. Where is this? Seeing me in a daze, my mother sighed, "Why, don't you recognize me? This is Shanghai, the church of St. Mary's Middle School." "Santa Maria Middle School?" I was shocked, isn't that Zhang Ailing's alma mater?What am I doing there? "I went to Shanghai when I was a child?"

"Did you forget? As I told you before, when you were three years old, your grandmother took you to Shanghai once. You stayed for three days, and you couldn't play enough. You cried and said you didn't want to come back... Oh, it's fate, right? When you were three years old, you kept saying that you liked Shanghai, and that you would definitely go to Shanghai to work when you grew up. I don’t want it to be a reality now. When you were young, you saw people holding a wedding in a church on TV, and you thought They clamored to go to the church, and said that they would get married in the church in the future. Your grandmother couldn't find the church for a while, so she took you to Santa Maria Middle School, which is an old-fashioned noble school. There is a church on the campus, which serves as a radio station Use...A few days ago, your grandmother suddenly asked me to find all the photos of you from childhood to adulthood, and looked at them one by one, and said, I don't know when you will get married, I'm afraid she won't see it... At that time, I still I thought it was the old man's habit, and she liked to talk about life and death when nothing happened, but unexpectedly, a day later, she suddenly had a stroke..." Mom said and started to cry.

My tears couldn't stop streaming down.Grandma is almost eighty this year, and she has long passed the age of "old age". Her death is called "happy mourning" in Chinese customs.An old man like her, before she died, had already crossed the boundary of life before her body, and discovered the secrets of the universe.She knew that her time had come, she knew that she was about to leave, and she bid farewell to this world with a smile on her face.However, she said that she has the only unfulfilled wish, which is my marriage.My grandma, when she left, she didn't have herself in her mind, only me, my past, my present, and my future, she once looked at the photos of me from childhood to adulthood one by one, one by one Memories and blessings one by one.Grandma, grandma, what kind of love can compare with you?What power can be stronger than love?

I became more and more convinced that the scent of toilet water yesterday was not my hallucination, not my wishful thinking, but my grandma, she really came, she came to say goodbye to me, she came to see if I was doing well.my grandmother... "That time, how did grandma think of taking me to Shanghai?" I asked my mother, "In my impression, grandma doesn't go out very often. How could she think of going to Shanghai? Where were you and dad at that time?" "That's because..." Mom hesitated to speak, with a coy expression on her face, hesitated for a long time, and finally sighed, "It's all in the past, don't ask." My heart moved: "Is it for you? Grandma is not a person who likes to go out and walk around. Unless something important happens, she can't go to Shanghai alone. Grandma's important matter is not me, but you. Right?" "Ajin, you've grown up, you're quick to react, you're careful, and you don't know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing." My mother looked at me and sighed, "It's said that stupid people are blessed, but you are so smart. It's better to be confused." I was in a hurry: "Don't lie to me about it. Since it's a thing of the past, just tell me about it. It's a lesson from the past." Mom thought about it again, and finally nodded, but still refused to go into details, and only made a concluding speech vaguely: "This is not about our family. Many people are like this. It's just that the two husbands and wives get along well. Once you have a child, from pregnancy to breastfeeding, it is inevitable that you will ignore the relationship between husband and wife. Young men and women suddenly become parents, feel the pressure is overwhelming, and there is a desire to escape from reality deep in their hearts. During this period , the most likely to have extramarital affairs..." "Dad has another woman?" Mom's generation is like this. No matter what they say, they don't like to face it as an individual case. They want to analyze it as a social phenomenon, as if this can alleviate Things are serious and hurt like.To understand history from their mouths, you can only get 30% of the truth at most, and you have to ask straightforward questions. "It's not that serious." Sure enough, when it came to specific people, my mother was vague and said lightly, "It's just that your father went to Shanghai for a meeting and met a female colleague named He. The two have been communicating. The words are more intimate. Once your grandma came to the house as a guest, and when she was cleaning the house, she found those letters, and the next day she quietly bought a ticket, saying that she would take you to Shanghai for two days, and then she went." "Grandma took me to negotiate?" I was even more surprised. My old grandma, she has no work experience for a day, but she can afford and let go of big issues, and she does things concisely and neatly. miraculous.I admire grandma more and more. "Has grandma seen the woman? What did they talk about?" "I don't know the details, you went with me, you know better than me." Mom teased me, and said to him from left to right, "This photo was taken that time, your grandma played a lot of places with you Woolen cloth." "What happened later?" I asked my mother not to change the subject, "What happened later? "Where is the later? When the surname He saw your grandma and you, all the old and the young were mobilized. What else can she do? Why don't you just break up with your father? Your father has also learned a lesson through this incident. Since then, he has changed his past mistakes and worked hard without complaint, and he has become the model father he is today." "Grandma is really amazing!" I admired sincerely.Don't underestimate the women of that era. The kit has its own tricks. Although the soil is a bit dirty, it is practical.Use it at the right time, one move is one move, invincible. "When are you and Zijun going to have your wedding?" Mom turned on the defensive and asked me, "This is what your grandma is most worried about. She said she promised you when you were three years old, and she would definitely do it." Let you get married in church. She regrets not seeing you in church." "She'll see it," I said. "She'll see it in Heaven." "Are you and Zijun okay? This time you come back, I think you seem a little indifferent to him." "We..." I hesitated, and finally said, "We're fine." For some reason, after listening to the stories of my parents' youth, I suddenly had a new idea about my emotional entanglements.Is Shen Cao and I just like the story of my father and that Shanghai woman, just a moment of brilliance?In my mind, Dad is a stable, responsible and good man. I believe that even though he was young more than 20 years ago, he would not be a frivolous person. Since he had an affair with that Shanghai woman , it must be true.But he still chose his mother in the end, and he must have gone through deep thinking.Should I seriously consider the relationship between me and Shen Cao?After all, Zijun and I have been in love for over ten years, while Shen Cao and I have only known each other for a few months.How long will this enthusiasm last? I think of the female model Ah Chen mentioned. Shen Cao also admitted that he had many girlfriends. Although he assured me that those people were all yesterday, who can be sure that today's them are not tomorrow's me? ? He is the kind of person who can burn many times, and can easily cool down suddenly, but he will never be able to stay with you tenderly. If you want to live a stable and happy life, you can't choose him to illuminate, but the passionate woman always sacrifices everything to fight the fire like a moth. When I hit the rocks emotionally, can I hope that my mother will drag her young grandson to the third party to showdown and intercede like the grandmother back then? I suddenly wanted to discuss my views on love with my mother. "How did you and Dad start?" "Us?" Mom squinted her eyes, as if she couldn't remember it, but I knew she remembered it very clearly, because she said the exact time and place almost immediately, "It was December 1969." , we were transferred to the same educated youth spot, and although we didn’t have much contact, we were familiar with each other, and we were called by name. In 1975, we returned to the city in the same group, so we got in touch. After a while, I will be married, and in a year, I will have you..." Mom sighed again, "In those days, when we fell in love, we got married, and when we got married, we had children. Where is it like you are now, where you have been dating for ten or eight years? Strange, how can you blame that there is no trouble after marriage?" "Then do you think that after being in love for ten or eight years, the relationship must be stable?" "Hey, how should I say it?" Mom thought for a while, and suddenly said something eloquent, "It's easy to get along with each other, but it's hard to fall in love with each other. Marriage needs to be managed. If two people have plans to live a good life, what's the matter?" Don’t be afraid of difficulties, you can always grow old together.” "What about the soul? Isn't the communication of the soul important?" "Of course it is important. But for the soul, different people have different understandings, just like me and your father, we both care about you and this family. This is also a kind of spiritual communication and a common language. The problem is, at a certain minute It is easy to communicate with each other on a certain matter, but it has become a luxury to be connected with each other at any time and anything. No two people have exactly the same life experience, even two people from the same family have different views on life Therefore, asking for understanding is a luxury. In married life, the most important thing to learn is not understanding, but tolerance. It doesn’t matter whether you understand or not, the most important thing is to be able to treat with a tolerant heart. Accept each other. As long as you can do this, you will have a happy marriage." This is the first time my mother has seriously discussed marriage with me, but her words are enough for me to recollect in my life. At dusk, Zijun came to see me and brought a basket of fruit.I picked up a mango and held it in my hand to smell the fragrance. Zijun smiled: "Every time I buy fruit for you, you hold it under your nose and smell it again and again, as if you are full after smelling it, are you a fairy?" "Really?" I was taken aback for a moment, but it was the first time I noticed that I had such a habit. "Immortals don't eat fireworks in the world. Only ghosts are greedy for taste. Don't people offer some fruits after offering incense sticks to graves? Ghosts can't eat them, they just smell them." When my mother heard it, she shook her head and sighed, "It's not taboo to say such things." But Zijun got serious, thought for a while and nodded and said, "That makes sense. People describe ghosts in different dimensions as not eating fireworks in the world, but in fact it's the opposite. Immortals and ghosts eat 'fireworks', but Just reject the food entity under the fireworks." No matter how sad and troubled, I can't help but smile. Zijun added: "I've already bought a ticket back to Shanghai, we're leaving tomorrow morning, I'll pick you up at your home." "See you at the train station." I said, "It's too troublesome to pick up and go." "I should." "There is nothing you should have." I said sternly, "Zijun, don't think you are responsible to me, we are all independent individuals, and no one is responsible to the other." Zijun got hurt: "Jinhe, is there something about me that dissatisfies you? You have been so cold to me recently." That night, I called Shen Cao. This is the first time I call Shen Cao. The phone was connected, and the phone recording was on the opposite side: "This is Shen Cao's home..." So I said to the air: "Shen Cao..." Shen Cao.I called his name, called "Shen Cao" again, and then I hung up. What do you say?Telling him my grandma died and I was so sad?so what?He hadn't been involved in my life and would never have understood the depth of my attachment to my grandmother.Although my mother said: No two people's life experiences are exactly the same, and asking for understanding is a luxury.However, the life background and experience of Shen Cao and I are too far apart. He is an orphan and grew up in the United States. Apart from memorizing and knowing some Suzhou allusions about "Eight Crabs", he almost Can't be considered a real Chinese.How can I confide my sadness to him? When I cried all night for my grandma's vigil, only Pei Zijun was with me.Zijun is a person with flesh and blood that can be seen in real life, while Shen Cao, he only exists in my ideals. All the sorrows and joys of this world are illusory to him. It is the fragrance of fruits, and it is enough to smell it. What is used to wrap the belly is just rice. It's easy to grind together, but it's hard to fall in love with each other.However, if you stay together for a lifetime, there will always be moments when you fall in love with each other; on the contrary, it is difficult to guarantee a lifetime of being together. There are many kinds of men you can fall in love with. They are handsome, have a funny conversation, know how to choose red wine or Dutch roses, and even play tennis well, all of which can be the reason to ignite the fire of love. But marriage, there is only one prerequisite for marriage, that is, faithfulness and a sense of responsibility. Marriage needs to be worked on.But a person like Shen Cao, an artist through and through, a person who relies on inspiration and enthusiasm to survive, would he put his heart into managing a normal marriage? Mother said that tolerance is what marriage needs most, but what Shen Cao wants is understanding, not tolerance.If there is an accident in our love life, he will not accept any negotiation conditions. Basically, he is a person who will not accept any restraint. In his dictionary, there is no patience and accommodation. If you feel it, break up, it's either one or the other, the difference is clear.Do I want to bet my whole life and start this emotional gamble with him? I hesitated again about my feelings. The next morning, Zijun ran home to pick me up. To be honest, even though I said I'd see you at the train station, I was a little happy to see him at home. Along the way, he was rarely silent. I was the one who spoke first: "Why don't you speak?" "I thought about it all night last night. Thinking about our past years, Jinhe, do you feel that following me has wronged you?" "Why did you say that all of a sudden?" I was a little uneasy. Zijun looked sad: "It was my mother who asked me when we will get married?" "My mother asked me too." "I can't answer my mother. I don't know what you think. I know I don't deserve you. I also want to work hard to make you more satisfied, but, Jinhe, I don't think I can ever reach your imagination It’s so good.” Zijun shook his head sadly and stared at me sadly, “You are such a nostalgic person. Nostalgia means something that can never be obtained. So is love.” I looked at Zijun in shock, never thought that such sentimental words would come from a pure Zijun.Forcing a simple person to become profound is actually a kind of cruelty. I realized how cruel I was to Zijun. Nostalgia and love are equally distant and beautiful, elusive and elusive. But all I can grasp is the present. Nostalgia is idealized, and so is love.However, if you can't grasp the present, nostalgia is so slim. I instinctively held Zijun's hand, and blurted out: "No, Zijun, you are by my side, you are already the best. Even better than I imagined. Because you are a real existence." I can't explain my confession to Zijun at that moment, or the promise. I promised to love him, to cherish him, to recognize and accept him.However, what about Shen Cao?