Chapter 9 Nine, wrong love

It is said that it has a "single-petal cluster heart, graceful posture, often fluttering in the wind, just like butterfly wings vibrating", so it is also called Butterfly Manyuanchun.It has a unique temperament, cute and pitiful, no wonder its homeland is in Chu—it is so charming, I feel pity. Living with a ghost always feels urgent, as if the time is dying, time becomes extremely limited, like an hourglass slipping through the fingers, unable to hold it tightly or keep it.But at night, the night is too long. There are always continuous nightmares, endless magic songs, shuttling white shadows, and overlapping fogs, all of which make my nights feel like pins and needles, and every minute is so hard to bear—fry in hell Ghost, when nothing more than that.

I'm almost afraid to go home, but how can I let go of Xiangru and ignore it? She is just a lost ghost, who has forgotten her origin and whereabouts. There is only one place in the world to live in. Only two friends, Nian'er and I, can be trusted. We don't care about her, who cares about her? Day after day, no matter how heavy the footsteps were, they finally took me home, let me sit at the table with a ghost, eat, drink tea, gossip, and then went back to our rooms to start A night of nightmares. Sometimes it's a real dream, mostly about Xiangru.I saw her walking in a long alley, with long hair flying, looking left and right, hesitant, very reluctant.In the dream I saw her face clearly, bewildered, just as I saw it when I was awake.

Sometimes I'm not sure whether it's a dream or a fantasy—when the strange voice wakes me up again, I tell myself to ignore it, but I can't help myself, and I still go through the living room to peek into Xiangru's room every night. There, I saw Xiangru wearing ancient clothes, sitting with many women in wide robes and sleeves, just like when I was sitting with Nian'er and me.They talk, cut flowers, play kites, and even play games, which are also very old backgammon. I looked at their misty appearances, and guessed that this one might be Yu Xuanji, that one might be Su Xiaoxiao, the one wearing a phoenix crown or Yang Yuhuan, and the dancer should be Zhao Feiyan... Their bodies passed through each other without any trace. Unobstructed, no matter how lively the hustle and bustle is, it does not make a sound, and the looming poignant music is just an elusive note floating in the air, which does not belong to any musical instrument.

Outside the window, a crescent moon hangs on the curtain hook, which is as light as nothing. I can't be sure whether what I see or hear is an illusion or reality, because everything is like the novels written in Zhiyi, always disappearing without a trace before dawn.And no matter what kind of adventures I have at night, when I wake up, I will always lie on my own bed, and I dare not ask Xiangru, for fear of shocking her soul... But there is no need to ask.Naturally, ghosts should be hallucinations, Xiangru is also hallucinations, not only hallucinations after death, but also hallucinations during life, Bai Rutong is hallucinations, corn is hallucinations, Xiang Yunsha is hallucinations, love is hallucinations, life is also an hallucination.

In the mirror, in the water and the moon, the light is fleeting, I see ghosts as illusions, but when they look at me, is it not the scenery in a dream? But Bai Rutong refused to forget Xiangru.He called on a Friday morning and asked for a visit. Fortunately, I was the one who answered the phone, so I didn't dare to say much, and I didn't dare to ask more questions. I just hurriedly said: "I'm sorry, I have to go out in a hurry. There is no one at home at the moment. We will be at the place where we met last time in an hour." Can we meet at the western restaurant?"

Never let him come to the door, never let him see Xiangru, for Xiangru, I have to lie. "No, don't come and wait at home, because something happened in the building, visitors are refused these days, just wait in the restaurant. I will be there soon." Just after hanging up the phone, Xiangru came out from the back room and asked blankly, "Who is it?" I secretly said in my heart that it was dangerous, I had to go to the post office to stop this number immediately, otherwise I would be ruined sooner or later. "A client wants to order a set of hand-painted silk dresses made by Jinling Twelve Hairpins, so ask me out for an interview," I said.

Another lie. In the past few days, in order to cover up the truth, I have told countless lies, turning black and white like this, and I am already familiar with it. Looking at Xiangru's pale and beautiful face, what I can't get rid of before my eyes is still the tragedy of her being crushed to pieces.No, she must never be hurt again, and she must never disappear again. In order to protect Xiangru and keep Xiangru, don't tell lies, I am willing to do any absurd and unreasonable things. I took a deep breath in the mirror, and then, like a warrior woman in full armor, I walked out the door with my head held high.

I've survived living with ghosts, who else can't I handle? After completing the shut down procedures and rushing to the restaurant, Bai Rutong had already arrived, with a bottle of vodka in front of him, most of which had been consumed, and looked even more haggard than what I saw in the cemetery a few days ago, almost exhausted. I sighed, sat down, ordered myself a cup of coffee, and waited quietly for Bai Rutong to speak.He came to me just to express his love and repentance for Xiangru, hoping to have a pair of ears to listen to him vent, right?In fact, whether he loves it or not, and whether he owes it or not is his personal matter, but people are always like this. Not only do they have to find excuses to forgive themselves, but they also need to be recognized by others.

"You are gentler than Xia Nian'er." I didn't expect his opening remarks to be like this. I couldn't help but sneered: "I don't know how to fight or swear, but that doesn't mean I agree with what you do." "You are Xiangru's friend, do you all think that I am not worthy of Xiangru?" Bai Rutong drank the glass of wine in his hand, already 70% drunk, "Who would understand me? I am also a victim. My My girlfriend lost her virginity, I just complained a few words, she jumped off the building, made me bear the burden of a lifetime, and was scolded as a murderer, am I not innocent? Am I not worthy of sympathy?"

I really want to scold him like Nianer, scolding him bloody, but he is already a drunk - even when he is awake, he may not be able to communicate, this is not a reasonable person.What he thinks in his heart is always himself first.When Xiangru was attacked by gangsters, the first thing he thought of was that he would suffer and lose face; when Xiangru died, he first thought about whether he was wronged, and he didn't even care about Nian'er being unfriendly to him—in his heart, Xiangru possessed How much is it? Yes, I don't think he deserves Xiangru, he doesn't deserve Xiangru's love, he doesn't even deserve my tolerance and comfort.

I decided not to say a word. But Bai Rutong had another request: "I want to see Xiangru's room and see what I can tidy up for her as a souvenir. I'm going back in a few days. Her family will go back after attending the funeral." Now, I should have gone together, but I can't just go, I have to take her things with me." "Her things are already burned," I blurted out. "At least let me see her house again." Bai Rutong insisted. "No." I was more insistent than him, "The house has been rented out to someone else. When you called today, I was handing over the keys to someone else." Since Xiangru came back from the dead, my lying skills have improved day by day, and my words are almost perfect. Bai Rutong was a little skeptical: "The house is rented out? Why?" "Is there any need to ask? After such a thing happened, who would dare to live there anymore? We all want to forget about it as soon as possible. Of course, we can go as far as we can." Speaking of this, I couldn't help being sarcastic, "I believe that Xiangru would rather you forget her, and she would not remember you anymore." I am telling the truth in this sentence.Xiangru has already forgotten about Bai Rutong, and what keeps her lingering and unwilling to leave is not love, but ideals——"Liu Fang Eternal" is less than half written, and this is her unfulfilled wish, is her dream. The real reason for her coming back. I should really thank those ancient and beautiful souls, maybe they are the souls that are truly endless, and they are the ones who returned Xiangru to us, and asked her to set up monuments for them and pass down their stories through the ages.How can we not do our best to help them and help Xiangru fulfill her wish? However, I was very conflicted. I was afraid that it would be too depressing for her to concentrate on writing, and I was afraid that she would leave us after finishing her homework.If a person cannot step into the same river again in his life, how can he lose the same loved one twice? I urged Bai Rutong: "Is there anything else? I have an appointment and I have to leave first. What about you? When are you leaving here?" Bai Rutong put his head on the wine bottle and said distressedly: "It's not that I don't want to leave, but I have a feeling that Xiangru is not dead. I always feel that she is still there. Sometimes when I turn around, I can hear her Talk, but I want to find her, but I can’t find her. She seems to be by my side, in this city, hiding somewhere and refusing to see me. Hongyan, help me, help me find her, tell her , I miss her so much..." I have some pity, he and Xiangru have been in love for many years, and finally he still has some sympathy, and can feel her existence.But now, Xiangru is probably the person she doesn't want to see the most, right? Bai Rutong was still rambling: "Xiangru used to be very considerate of me, and never got really angry with me. On the phone that day, I didn't say anything, I just sent a few complaints, why is she so upset?" She didn't think about it, she died like this, what should I do? Now her family doesn't forgive me, you don't forgive me, even my family blames me, what's wrong with me? Could it be that my girlfriend was gang-raped? It's in the newspaper again, shouldn't I be angry? I just said a few words in my heart, how could I become her murderer? I didn't say anything. Originally, if she wasn't so rigid and aggressive, Stay with me earlier, how can there be so many things..." I endured and endured, and finally I didn't spill the coffee in my hand on his face. I just said in a choked voice: "You can save these words and tell her when Xiangru is reincarnated. I have an appointment. We have to go first." "Who did you date? Can't you sit with me for a while longer? I just know a few of you here. You are Xiangru's friend, and you are my friend. If you are a friend, just have a few drinks with me." Bai Rutong raised his hand. With red eyes showing, he was really drunk and didn't know what he was talking about.This fragile and useless man always only knows how to cherish himself, and is always asking for help from others. Only Xiangru can be so stupid and endure him for many years. What reason do I have to accommodate him? I stood up and pressed a bill under the coffee cup: "I'm sorry, I really have a date." "You lied to me." Unexpectedly, Bai Rutong stood up and pressed my hand suddenly, bloodshot eyes appeared in both eyes, and they approached my face, a standard drunkard who would go all out, "Don't lie to me .Who did you date?" I was a little scared. I wanted to leave this place of right and wrong quickly, but I was also afraid that if I insisted too much, I would annoy him.This is already an unreasonable intoxication, who knows what faux pas he will do next? "She asked me out." A voice came from behind, "Can we go?" I turned around suddenly, and the person standing behind me like an iron tower, who rescued me in time, was Corn!Oh corn, are you an angel sent from heaven to save me?He smiled calmly, stretched out his hand to Bai Rutong and said, "It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Yu Min, and I'm Hongyan's friend. I'll treat you to tea another day." Bai Rutong shook his hand in a daze, was dumbfounded and was pushed back to his own seat by the corn, and then watched us leave in a daze - from the beginning to the end, he didn't even have time to say a word.Corn didn't even want to give him a chance to talk. Another western restaurant, another table, another bottle of wine. I sat opposite the corn, and the tears finally dripped unobstructed, splashing ripples in the cup, and suddenly confused time and space—the same way I did when we broke up at "Peach Leaf Bar" last time Weeping, the days in between seem to have never passed.In front of him, I will always be that helpless and helpless little girl. "I haven't seen you for a few days, and you have lost a lot of weight." Corn asked gently, "The one just now, was your friend? Did he make you unhappy?" "It's Xiangru's friend." I raised my head, "Do you remember my roommate Su Xiangru? He is her boyfriend." Corn was stunned, a trace of sympathy flashed across his face, and he asked, "Is that the reporter? I read the newspaper and knew that she had encountered some unfortunate things." "She, she died." I cried out loudly, "After her accident, her boyfriend refused to forgive her, so she jumped off the building. It was on the upstairs we shared, and I watched her jump off, wearing The nightgown I gave her, I watched her jump off..." I buried my face in my hands, weeping uncontrollably. Corn came around from the opposite side, hugged my shoulders wordlessly, and pulled me into his arms.What a warm embrace, like a long-lost hometown.I hugged his waist, hugged him tightly, tightly, and didn't want to let go.During these days, I have been depressed for too long, every day I see Xiangru, I want to cry.I can't forget that this is a ghost, a ghost that will disappear at any moment, and I am living with a ghost. Yin and Yang are different ways, I don't know that everything we do today is against nature, and what kind of consequences will there be if a living person is with a dead person?This point, even Xia Nian'er is not clear.Since that night, the mist in Sanxiangju has never dissipated. No matter how sunny it is outside, the house will always be full of smoke and clouds, desolate and gloomy, which makes people shudder.I lived in nightmares and fears every night. Xiangru typed all night, and the typing sound passed through the walls, and could be heard clearly from her room to mine through the living room, making me sleepless. And I don't know if it's real or an illusion, I always hear indescribable singing voices, like weeping, complaining, intermittently continuing, is it Xiangru humming, or those long-dead souls in her writing?How many ghosts are haunting our houses? I'm not Nian'er, I don't know the way of ghosts and gods, and I can't be in a haunted house and feel at ease.I couldn't control those endless hallucinations and associations, and I was in constant fear, but I couldn't bear to frighten Xiangru's soul, so I wanted to do everything possible to keep her and protect her.I can only bear it, I can only force myself to suffocate——Bai Rutong can still talk to me pretending to be crazy with wine, but there is nowhere to tell my suffering. But now, I finally have the arms of corn.Even if no one understands, as long as I know he is there and he still cares about me, that's enough.How greedy I am for this embrace, if the earth dies at this moment, I will die like this, and I will be smiling.If we die like this, we will turn into ashes and smoke together, and our souls will return to the underworld together, and we will never be separated again, then I would rather die. "Confidante, forgive me." Corn said suddenly. I was startled, and suddenly felt cold sweat on my back, is he going to show righteousness to me again?Are you going to talk about those nonsense about seeing each other late again?Is he going to remind me of my faux pas?Bai Rutong and I are the same people - making an inappropriate confession in front of inappropriate people? But Corn only hugged me tighter, and said earnestly: "Hong Yan, forgive me for not being by your side when you need comfort the most. Forgive me for being late. Believe me, these days, I am also having a hard time. From seeing I've been thinking about calling you since the day of the newspaper, but I didn't expect it to be this serious. If I knew, I would have flown to you. Forgive me, don't be mad at me, OK?" My tears flowed down again, this time, tears of relief.God, you finally took pity on me for once, even you couldn't bear to push me to a desperate situation, couldn't bear to see me collapse, so you sent corn to help me, didn't you? I threw myself into his arms, and all the sadness, fear, and grievances of the past few days burst out: "Corn, I really need you and miss you very much. In this city, I only have these few friends, but Xiangru is dead, my best friend is dead, she died so badly, so pitifully..." I was talking and crying, really wanting to tell him that Xiangru is still alive and what my real fear is, but at this moment the phone rang, and it was an unfamiliar number. "A beauty? I'm Feng Yuting." Feng Yuting?that policeman?What did he want me for? "Can you come to the bureau please? Xia Nian'er is here." He said, "Just now she went to the newspaper office to make trouble and injured a reporter."