Chapter 6 6. The purest and the most tragic

For the sake of Xiangru, I stopped Xiao Jin's class.When Xiangru decided to go to work on vacation, I also planned to reopen the teaching position, but Xiaojin refused with a smile. "Let's learn to draw again next week. It's just for fun, so you don't have to be so serious, right? My husband is coming back tonight. You know, little Bie is better than a newlywed. I probably don't want to go out this week." Her laughter pierced into my chest like a sharp sword, and it would be twisted and gouged a few times.I have to take a deep breath so as not to lose my voice: "It's okay, come again when you are free, I welcome you anytime."

"Hong Yan, are you free today?" "how?" "I'm redecorating my house and want to change the curtains... the bed sheets are getting old... I want to surprise him with your artistic vision." Reason told me not to agree, but voyeurism and curiosity made me unable to refuse. Going into Corn's home, seeing his living environment, hand-picking out the curtains and sheets for him—isn't that what I've always wanted to do?Even if you deceive yourself and others, even if you have a dream on this autumn afternoon, it’s not a big mistake to be self-willed, right?

This day was spent shopping with Xiao Jin.When walking arm in arm, I can't help thinking, I don't know if Corn is sleeping on her side or the other side when they share the bed at night, when his arm touches hers, that is to say, he and I are lying lightly. contacted. After choosing the curtains and bed sheets, I also helped her choose a set of napkins, chair cushions, and even matching phone covers, and I went home with her to clean them up. That was real housecleaning.I didn't expect that a home with a nanny would be so dirty-under the sofa, under the TV cabinet, behind the refrigerator...all the dead corners are full of dirt.Smelly socks, glass balls, toothpicks, coasters... all kinds of messy things, and I don't know when they fell in.They are entangled with the spider webs, forming small and hideous Shura fields.

While cleaning up, Xiao Jin muttered to the nanny: "You said you cleaned up the house all day long, but how did you clean up the house like this? It's turned into a garbage dump. I will pay you every month, and you let me sleep in the garbage every day." pile." The nanny argued: "How can you blame me? I have to buy vegetables, cook, take care of the baby, mop the floor, wash clothes... I have a lot of work to do. I don’t usually see those places. Move the refrigerator every day to clean it? Besides, I can’t move it by myself.” Xiao Jin became angry: "So you are reasonable..."

Before she finished speaking, I quickly dragged her into the bedroom to rest, comforting: "Don't talk in anger, it's hard to find a nanny now, if you drive this one away, there will be more troubles. You rest for a while, I'll pour you a glass of water." Xiao Jin sighed: "You're right, the current nanny has a bigger temper than Miss Qianjin. I really miss the old days of buying and selling people. If the servants are disobedient, they can be tied up and beaten." I laughed, turned around and went out, the nanny had already made tea and was waiting, handed a cup in my hand, and complained in a low voice: "Please take it in and give it to her, if I don't look at it for salary, who will serve me?" Her temper? The whole thing is Huang Shiren's mother."

I couldn't help laughing again, this pair of master and servant was evenly matched. When handing over the tea to Xiao Jin, a strange feeling suddenly crossed his mind—how familiar this scene is.It was played in some old movies about the 1930s and 1940s. When a concubine enters the house, she has to serve tea to the main wife. My status is even worse than that nanny, I don't even have a salary, and I have to clean the floor and serve tea for free. "Hong Yan, what's the matter with you?" Xiao Jin pushed me with a smile, "Tired and stupid? Why are you so dazed?"

"It's okay, I'm going to hang up the curtains." After being busy for a while, I finally changed the world of my house and gave it a new look.The pair of master and servant were obviously used to bickering, and after only a short while, they seemed to have forgotten the tension just now, and laughed and commented: "Hey, it's really changed. It's still these few pieces of furniture, just move them a little bit. , the room is much brighter, as if it has been renovated, and the husband will not recognize his home when he comes back." Holding a cup of tea in my arms, I quietly admired my handwriting, expressing emotion for no reason.This is Corn's home, his bedroom, his living room, now, with the curtains I choose, the sheets I choose.

On this bed, tonight, their husband and wife will call the wind and rain, a small farewell is better than a newlywed.And I, like this sheet, will cry silently. I went into the bathroom and printed my tears on the towel.It's a Dior towel for men, will Corn feel my heartbreak when he wipes his face with it tonight?In this life, can I have the opportunity to personally decorate our own home? In the city of desire, two people are fate, and three people are evil. Corn, you and I are destined to have a bad relationship. It was dusk when we got back to the store. The sunset glow is like a brocade, rumbling across the western sky, but in the eyes, the gorgeousness has a sense of despair and poignancy. It is the last maple leaf in autumn, and it is the charcoal fire that turns to ashes every time it turns red.

I looked at Jinxia in the sky and imagined what kind of clothes I could cut with it.Check the time, the corn should have arrived home.Corn, oh corn, he's standing on the same city grounds as me again.Standing in the living room that I have furnished with my own hands, will he smell my love in the air?Corn, at this moment, how much I want to see you, I will fly to your side without delay, throw myself into your arms, and linger with you to death. However, you are by Xiaojin's side, in your own home, celebrating your little goodbye and wedding.In your heart, how can there still be my place?

Maybe the dusk is always sad and I can't help myself; maybe my longing is too strong and finally collapses; maybe, I want to use a drastic method to give up my heart - instead of waiting humbly with hope in this way, it is better to face it. Disappointed and determined to give up. Suddenly, desperately, I grabbed the phone and dialed that unforgettable number.Even if he rejects me, no matter how cold his voice is, even if he gets angry with me, I don't care. I want to hear his voice immediately, and I want to remind him that there are still people like me in this city. A person exists.

As soon as the bell rang three times, he answered it immediately, and immediately said, "Where are you? I was just trying to call you." My heart suddenly dissipated, like a puff of light smoke, curling up and shaking, suddenly blown by the wind, so weak that I didn't have any strength. "I... I'm in the store." "Wait for me. I'll pick you up later and treat you to dinner." Without waiting for my answer, he added, "I know a place that you will definitely like. Get ready, I'll pick you up later, Okay?" Can I say no?Can I say no?Am I willing to say no? What else can I answer besides saying "I'll wait for you"? I'm waiting for you. Almost from the time we met him, our relationship has always been "I-wait-you".And I don't even know, what the hell can I wait for?A meeting, a relationship, a date, or a lifetime of mistakes? I decided not to think about it. I'm about to see him.As long as I see him, I am happy. The joy of the thorn bird sticking his heart on the thorn. He just came back today, what reason did he use to hide from the sky and come out to see me?Maybe he will lie to Xiao Jin that he has an important business and needs to meet with a client, right?It turned out that when I longed for him the most, he also thought of me the same way. My heart was ecstatic and filled with emotions of gratitude. Being with him is like celebrating Thanksgiving every day, like wearing a kilt, wearing a wild wreath, holding a glass of old red wine, sitting next to a burning fireplace, eyes slightly drunk. That kind of beauty is more like a dream than reality, even in it, it is still unbelievable-except for love, I don't have a second emotion to describe him. However, this love is as sinful and humiliating as it is sinful, and as happy as it is. The more depraved, the happier. When he drove me to the "Peach Leaf Bar" in the suburban resort, I was in a daze. It was an oak-trimmed cabin—perhaps not real oak, but only the appearance of oak.I've seen a lot of trash cans dressed up as tree stumps, maybe this is just a big trash can disguised as a more serious one. We walked in, and the kerosene lamp was hung in the room, and the music was played by a hand-cranked record player; the chairs were tree stumps with annual rings, and I felt like I was sitting on a trash can; there was a fireplace in the south, and there was a fire—it was true A fire, a fire with light and heat.And our seats were next to the fireplace, obviously we had reserved them in advance, because as soon as we were seated, the waiter brought a bottle of 1990 Burgundy wine chilled in an ice bucket. Everything, everything, is just as I yearn for, and therefore the more unreal. And the most unreal of all was the unbelievably handsome corn, who raised his glass to me by the wall fire and candlelight, and asked, "Why don't you talk?" "Because I'm too happy to speak." I gave him the most charming smile, "I didn't expect such a place in real life, with such a fireplace, such records, such wine, and Yes, such...a you." Oh, how I love being with him and everything I enjoy with him, every moment, every moment. A look of embarrassment suddenly appeared on his face. We clinked glasses, smelled the fragrance, and tasted the wine. Then, he lowered his head, raised his head again, and began to speak.His voice has always been magnetic and beautiful, but it has never been so difficult to understand as it is today.He said: "When I saw you for the first time, I was thinking that such a girl should live in a French manor in the eighteenth century, because you have such a noble sentiment, like a Reno Ah’s painting. But then I thought, how can France have good silk? You should be placed in China’s Tang Dynasty, or earlier, at least...when I still have the ability to change my destiny.” There is no more tactful, sweeter and crueler farewell than this—he regrets that we did not meet at a time when fate could be changed, in other words, fate is fixed, and today’s facts cannot be changed, and that fact is—— he is married. I shouldn't have expected more.I couldn't ask for more.I can't go any deeper. He chose such a place with good intentions. It turned out that he didn't want to show love to me, but to show me. It was my fault that I shouldn't have played with fire and gone so deep into his life that he didn't feel safe.Sensitive, he has already guessed all my scheming, and also noticed the clues that I stayed in his house.He rejected those hints. My romance is his poison. It was my fault, and I have to take responsibility for my own mistakes.The wine, which was sweet and mellow just now, suddenly showed bloody ferocity. I suspected that it was because my heart was splitting inch by inch. The blood dripped into the glass and turned into a cup of bitter wine for me to swallow. And his voice continued: "After I met you, I realized that there is such a state in life. You live between ancient beauties and silk, and your whole person exudes an extraordinary Tsinghua atmosphere, which makes people lost. But before I met you, I first met my wife and married her. This is an unchangeable fact. Knowing you is the luckiest thing in my life, but it is too late to meet you now, which makes me feel frustrated... ..." No no no, the one who should really be frustrated is me.I would rather be a latecomer, and I gave up my position at the beginning of the acquaintance, but now I have to face a new round of giving up—no, not just giving up, but quitting at all. I smiled, trying to calm myself, not to lose the last bit of dignity.I had to say something to cover up this fiasco, but I was incoherent and insincere: "Thank you for asking me out today and bringing me to such a wonderful place. I have always liked these unrealistic things, these... have been Things that have become history. I always want to change history and wake them up from their slumber... In fact, I am very satisfied with the status quo, and I also feel that I am very happy..." I smiled harder, like Chanel often do Shrugging his shoulders to make himself look playful, "Some people say that the richest person is not necessarily a billionaire, but a person who can live the life he wants to live. I like drawing since I was a child. You know, I'm pretty good at drawing. I don't expect to be Renoir or Cézanne, but it's fine. I like beautiful clothes, and now I can not only wear them, but also be their maker , I have my own shop, I have Xiangyun Sha, and I am quite profitable. Then... I want to have a perfect love, but I can't do anything..." I cried, in front of the man I love the most, at the moment when I feel the happiest.Happiness, what is happiness?When my mouth says I am happy, what my heart feels is deep sorrow. Could not be more sad than now.I don't even know what the price of happiness is.Just a few minutes ago I thought I was in a dream, but in an instant, the dream was shattered, shattered to pieces. I looked down and saw tears dripping down the glass.I couldn't look up from crying, I didn't dare to look into the corn's eyes.Why is he silent?Does he turn a blind eye to my tears?Or, he rejects my feelings thousands of miles away? I wiped my tears fiercely, forced myself to look up, and wanted to say a few sonorous words to him as farewell.However, I saw his eyes—he was staring at me so deeply, his eyes were full of shock, pain, and endless pity.That look hit me, and it hit my heart deeper than his words.I can't help loving him, I can't help caring about him, but I can't ignore my heart even more. After all, I couldn't say another word, grabbed my handbag and fled. I don't know how I got home.When the car was parked in front of the building, I didn't know that I had to pay; and when I was climbing the stairs, I seemed to forget that this building had an elevator; I didn't realize until I climbed to my floor. Along the way, I subconsciously clenched my fists in front of my chest, as if holding a broken heart. The doorbell rang and rang, and no one answered, so I had to take out the key and use my last strength to open the door—and what I didn't realize was that there was another broken heart waiting for me at home. That is Xiangru.Her face was as pale as death, and her eyes were full of panic and despair, as if she had returned to the rain after she had just been raped. "Xiangru, you are at home, why don't you open the door for me?" I threw my handbag on the sofa, and then threw myself on the sofa. No one answered me. I looked at Xiangru.She's looking at the phone, clasping her hands to her chest, the same gesture I've been doing on the stairs.There was a newspaper lying at her feet, no, that was not a newspaper, it was a death sentence. The headline on the front page, with an ugly headline in boldface, has 14 heart-pounding characters, the 14 most vicious characters in the world - "Famous Journal Interview Raped, Pervert Fell to Law for Driving". It was as if a heavy stick had been hit on the top of my head, I only felt black in front of my eyes, and my heart was so blocked that I almost vomited blood.Suddenly, the sadness that I had endured all the way burst out in an instant, and I couldn't stop shouting, one after another, unable to stop.I don't know if it's for Xiangru or for myself, I screamed and cried bitterly, rushed up and tore the newspaper to pieces, threw it on the ground, and trampled on it desperately.Then, I softened, knelt down, hugged Xiangru, and cried loudly. Xiangru seemed to be awakened by my crying, she looked at me in confusion, as if she didn't know me.After a long while, she seemed to remember something, hugged me back with even crazier strength, and burst into tears. Can the tears of two women wash each other's heartache and humiliation?But what else do we have besides each other?We can only hug each other tightly, like two hedgehogs eager to keep warm, the tighter we cuddle, the deeper the pain, but we are reluctant to separate. In this foreign land with thorns and thorns, in the forest with iron walls, we wandering women, wearing makeup and powder and stepping on high-heeled shoes to trek mountains and rivers, are already three points more difficult than men. Ridiculous "is it a woman after all", as if a man really can't shed tears. But these are not difficult for us, even if every step is like dancing on the tip of a knife like the mermaid princess, we have finally planted our roots in this reinforced concrete city, and we can endure no matter how difficult it is No matter how deep the wound is, it is hidden under the veil—but the injury from the opposite sex breaks us to pieces, let alone fighting back, and even has no strength to resist. Why?Why won't you let us go?Why can't you give love a way? Tired of crying, Xiangru finally spoke, she said: "Hongyan, I called Bai Rutong, I can't take it anymore, I hope he can support me and comfort me, I just need a word from him... However, he didn't forgive me. He said: "If I knew this, the night before he left, he should have taken me first." He spoke as if chastity was a thing, not an emotion. I put It was my fault and his loss to give this thing to someone else. He said he was very heartbroken, that I hurt him, and that now that the matter was reported to the newspaper, so that all relatives and friends knew about it, he was very embarrassed. He said This incident hurt him a lot, but when he said that, I hurt even more... Hongyan, my heart hurts so much, it hurts so much, it feels like a big stone is pressing on me, and I can't breathe. Hongyan, I can't breathe..." Xiangru cried, and really gasped for breath, choking hard. I hugged her, patted her on the back, and burst into tears.Xiangru, I can't help you, my heart hurts too, and there is a big stone pressing down on my heart.Xiangru, we are all the same women, trapped by love and hurt by love, but those two men who hurt us are also crying out for pain. Xiangru, if we love each other, we no longer need to be sad for men. At this moment, I hope that we can be satisfied and happy just because of each other.Xiangru, how I wish we could love each other.Xiangru, I love you, is that enough? I don't know how long we cried, but we were all so tired that we just hugged each other and fell asleep on the sofa, with undried tears and unfinished pain. If I knew that there was going to be a horrible nightmare like that when I fell asleep—oh, how I wish it was just a nightmare—if I could have cared less about my own pain and more about Kazuru's despair, If I knew that Xiangru would call Bai Rutong again after I fell asleep, but he refused to answer, if I knew that the world could be so cruel, and love could be so cold—I, absolutely No, at that time, let yourself fall asleep. But I fell asleep, just for a few hours, and I even dreamed.Then, I was awakened by an inexplicable palpitation.When I woke up, Xiangru was gone, and the door leading to the balcony was wide open, and there was faint singing. I walked out following the sound, and saw that scene——Xiang Ru, she was sitting on the carved colored iron railing, with bare white feet, sticking out of the railing, gently kicking the roses in the hanging basket.Once, once, the petals fell very slowly, and the branches left thorns on her feet, she didn't care, humming a song that no one could understand, looking at the cold stars in the sky, or nothing see. I felt in a trance, not knowing if what I saw was the real Xiangru or a dream, maybe I was sleepwalking.I called her: "Xiangru..." She heard it, turned her head and smiled at me, wearing the long nightgown I gave her, silk embroidered, very colorful, very simple style, just a very thin tassel belt around the waist, barefoot, no underwear, just clean A clean body in the silk, like a chrysalis in a cocoon waiting for spring. She sang, even smiled, kicking the thorny rose bushes with her feet over the railing. That was the last time I saw her. Then she was dressed like that, jumped down from the eighteenth floor, and became a stuffed butterfly that could never fly again.