Chapter 10 chapter Ten

For twenty years, however, I walked that road alone. Twenty years have been like yesterday, the day I loved you, I have never been disappointed in you, I have only been disappointed in myself. If I love you so much, can't I also love you just the way you are? I said that you are the Demon Lord of Confusion, I should have known earlier. That night, I was lying on my bed, listening, holding that "Portrait of Gray" in my arms, and I don't know how many times I have read it. Seeing a book is like seeing you, and I was so stupid as to kiss that book. Xia Xia went out with you that day.

When I got home, she called me. "I'll see if you're asleep. What are you doing?" she asked me. "I'm reading." I quickly turned off the record player, I didn't want her to hear me listening. "Exhausted!" said. "Are you going to dance again?" I asked bitterly. "No! We stayed at his house and didn't go out all day." "What are you doing at home?" She laughed out loud at my question. "You are so innocent! Two people together, what are you talking about?" Xinsheng, at that moment, I felt that I was dead.

My love for you has no desires. At that age, I naively believed that love is pure, holy, and transcendent, just like Quasimodo in "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" did to the gypsy girl Esmeralda, love and desire are strong and surpass desire. Only that kind of love is the purest and noblest. But you are not that ugly Quasimodo after all. Even though I know you have had many girlfriends, I still deceive myself. I told myself, you are not going to be nice to her. I was so stupid as to tell myself that you and her can only hug and kiss at most. I actually believed in the innocence of the two of you.

Her words "You are so innocent!" woke me up from my dream. Waking up from a dream is always false, not knowing where you are. "Sissy? Are you listening to me?" I tried to act nonchalant, but my mouth, my face, my whole body was shaking. "I'm going to sleep!" I hung up the phone. I want to hate you, but you can't. At this time, I heard footsteps outside the room. It was Dad going back to work in the bakery.He would work until the next morning. When he went out, I got out of bed, found brandy in the kitchen closet, held the bottle, raised my head, and took a few sips.

I don't want to get sober, it's too painful. I went back to my bed and discovered the beauty of alcohol for the first time. I was so angry that I cried. I held your book and cried till I passed out. I ask myself why?Do you know that Xia Xia is originally a woman who plays with love?When she was with you, she always went out with other boys.She also asked me to keep a secret, and several times, she lied to you and said she was with me. She's not even a virgin!Do you know this? Don't you mind? Thanks to that bottle of brandy, I can finally forget you in my dreams. The next day, I was still groggy.

I have a fever. Dad didn't notice that I drank the bottle of brandy, and he gave me money to go to the doctor myself. I didn't go, I hope I just die of illness like this, then maybe you will feel sorry for me and remember me.After all, I was so young when I died. But I am not dead. I curled up into a ball and lay paralyzed on the bed like this for many days, never wanting to get up again. Xia Xia asked me to go out, and I said I was sick. Because I don't want to see you, I don't want you to see me like that. I thought that as long as I didn't see you, I might be able to forget you one day.

Don't we all forget the countless dreams we have had?As soon as I woke up, it gradually disappeared from memory like this, without a trace.