Chapter 12 Chapter 11 I'm here

Don't think you can show love the way, for love will show you the way when it finds you worthy. After all, I am young, and my illness comes and goes quickly.After two days, all the uncomfortable symptoms disappeared, and my body recovered completely. However, after thinking about it for two days, I still couldn't answer Wu Julan's question. In the evening, after I took a shower and just dried my hair, I heard Wu Julan call me: "Xiaoluo, Jiang Yisheng is on night shift tonight, let's go to the hospital to see him." To see Jiang Yisheng?go to the hospital?My heart skipped a beat, I thought about it, and said loudly, "Okay! I'll be down right away!"

I quickly took off my pajamas, changed into out clothes, tied up my hair, and ran downstairs. When we walked to the intersection of Mazu Street, we took a taxi and arrived at the hospital in more than 20 minutes. This was the first time I came to see Jiang Yisheng when he was on night shift. After asking several nurses, I finally found Jiang Yisheng outside the ward of the inpatient department. He asked in surprise: "Why are you here? Who is not feeling well?" I said, "I'm in good health. I just came to see you and chat with you." Jiang Yisheng twitched the corners of his mouth with a fake smile, glanced at Wu Julan and me thoughtfully, and asked, "Have you recovered from your cold?"

"All right!" Jiang Yisheng said: "It got better really fast! Let's go, sit in my office for a while." We walked down a long corridor with wards on either side. Because it was still early, the patients had not rested yet, and the doors of most of the wards were wide open.When the eyes pass by inadvertently, you can always see the world in miniature: the husband helps the wife who is paralyzed on the bed and cannot turn over; the wife takes out the potty from under the bed and prepares to serve the husband who cannot walk; , with dead eyes, lying alone on the bed; some patients have gauze wrapped around their heads, and infusion tubes inserted in their arms, talking and laughing with their families; some brothers and sisters are arguing over medical expenses; Apple, love...

The small world reflects the eight sufferings of life—birth, old age, sickness and death, resentment and resentment, parting from love, not getting what you want, and the blazing five aggregates, making everyone who sees it feel inexplicably stressed.I consciously restrained my gaze, trying to only stare at the front and not into the ward. I walked all the way to the end of the corridor, and I was relieved that there was no ward. Jiang Yisheng said: "My office is upstairs, only two floors, let's walk up, it will take longer to wait for the elevator." Wu Julan and I had no objection, followed Jiang Yisheng into the stairwell.

When we walked halfway, we saw a man in a light gray shirt and black trousers standing at the corner of the stairs, with his forehead against the wall, weeping silently. It could be seen that he was trying to suppress the crying, his whole body was tense, and his drooping hands were tightly clenched into fists, but the pain and despair were too strong, causing him to let out a broken sob or two from time to time. This is a hospital, and it is an intensive care unit area. Anyone can imagine why. We tried our best to walk lightly, hoping to walk over without disturbing him at all.But the stairs are so big, he obviously noticed that someone was coming, and immediately wiped away his tears with his hands.

When I passed by him, I couldn't help but take a closer look at him, only to realize that it was a familiar face.I stopped in my tracks all of a sudden, and shouted, "Lin Han!" He raised his head, saw me, and tried his best to squeeze a smile, "Shen Luo, hello!" I vaguely guessed why he was crying here, and my mood suddenly became very heavy. I said to Jiang Yisheng and Wu Julan: "You go up first, and I will chat with my friends." After Jiang Yisheng and Wu Julan left, I tentatively asked Lin Han: "If you have time, shall we sit here for a while?"

Lin Han seemed exhausted, and sat down on the steps without saying a word.I sat next to him and sat beside him. Lin Han is in his early thirties and works in the tax bureau. It is said that he is the youngest department-level cadre, very young and promising.He and I met in the hospital, because we have a common identity - a family member of a cancer patient.It's just that it's my grandfather who got stomach cancer, and it's his wife who got stomach cancer. His wife discovered it earlier than my grandfather, and she was young, less than 30 years old. She underwent surgery in time and had a great chance of recovery.When I met them, they were undergoing postoperative rehabilitation. I once asked him for advice on how to take care of gastric cancer patients. He gave me a lot of help and encouragement, and the two quickly became familiar from strangers.

The last time I saw him was six months ago, also in the hospital.I helped grandpa get the medicine and met him.He beamed and told me that after a follow-up examination with his wife, he confirmed that the operation was a success and he should be fully recovered. Unexpectedly, in just six months, he fell from the cloud of hope to the abyss of despair. I hesitated to ask about the specific situation, but I really didn't know how to speak. Lin Han took the initiative to ask, "Why are you in the hospital?" I said, "The doctor just now is my friend, I'll come to see him."

Lin Han said: "It's better not to come to see a doctor! I heard that your grandfather passed away, and I planned to visit you, but Xiaoyun was found to have spread cancer cells, so I have no time to contact you." I think he didn't avoid this topic, it should be too depressed and grieved, and he is willing to chat with someone who has a similar experience like me.I asked, "How is Miss Xiaoyun doing now?" Lin Han said with difficulty: "The doctor said... it will only be two or three days." It took me a moment to understand what he meant. His wife may die within two or three days! ?

I murmured in disbelief, "How could this be?" Lin Han lowered his head, choked up and said, "I've been thinking about why this happened. The doctor told her family members to be mentally prepared. I don't even know how to tell her parents...I don't know why, she Still so young... At the wedding, she said that the happiness she desires most is to grow old with me, and she also said that she must have two children, but she didn't even have time to have children..." I don't know how to comfort Lin Han. In the face of death, all words are powerless, so I can only accompany him silently.

Lin Han is by no means a weak man. It can even be said that he is stronger than most men I know, otherwise it would be impossible for him to accompany his wife to fight against illness for more than two years.But at this moment, all his strength was gone, and he wept bitterly like a child in despair. After I finished talking with Lin Han and watched him leave, instead of going upstairs to find Jiang Yisheng and Wu Julan, I walked down the stairs slowly. At this moment, I don't have the courage to face Wu Julan, I just want to be alone for a while. Tonight, from the moment he asked me to go out, I knew that Wu Julan had another purpose, not just to see Jiang Yisheng.Although I don't know exactly what he wants to do, I am ready to face anything. When I walked through the ward, I vaguely understood Wu Julan's intentions, but even Wu Julan certainly didn't expect that his trip to the hospital would be so effective, and I actually ran into Lin Han. Could it be that even God thinks his choice is correct? After leaving the hospital, I didn't take a car, but walked slowly along the sidewalk in a trance. The image of Lin Han crying silently in the stairwell alone has been lingering in my mind. From a certain point of view, isn't my life span of just a few decades, to Wu Julan, like a terminally ill patient?When I'm with him, isn't it just like Lin Han's wife and Lin Han?After the short-lived joy, there is the trivial torment and the long pain of parting. For Lin Han's wife, misfortune has already happened. Of course, she hopes that someone can accompany and take care of her, but what about Lin Han?Wouldn't today's pain be without the beginning of yesterday? That night, I heard Wu Julan question me, "Your love is knowing that the end result will be pain, but you still have to start selfishly"?I just feel like I'm neglecting to think in his shoes. Now, I really realize that this is not just a matter of position, but, before time, I am a terminally ill patient to him. If I want him to love me, I want him to bear the pain after loving me. The more love I want, the more pain he will bear one day. Is this really the love I want? no!This is definitely not the love I imagined! I walked for an hour and walked back to Mazu Street, but I still haven't figured out what to do. I bought a dozen beers at the small shop at the corner of the street, and went to the reef beach with the beer. I sat on the reef, drinking beer, while looking at the dark sea. In TV dramas, there is a very vulgar plot: the hero and heroine finally get together after suffering, but suddenly the hero or heroine finds that he has a terminal illness.At this time, whether it is the hero or the heroine, they will silently conceal their illness, trying to drive the other party away, hoping that the other party will stop loving themselves. Every time I see a plot like this, I always yawn and say, "Can it be something new?" Now I finally understand why this plot is so vulgar, because it is an inevitable choice in the depths of love No matter how much the screenwriter wants to innovate, he can't go against human nature. While drinking heavily, I wiped away the tears from the corners of my eyes with my fingers. Do I also have to reluctantly give up love like the heroine in the TV series? However, Wu Julan is not the leading actor in a TV series, he doesn't know how I can't drive him away. From the very beginning, he was very clear that he didn't want to accept me at all! If it wasn't for my stalking, he wouldn't talk to me! He will never give me a chance to die, I must think clearly. With the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks, I opened the sixth can of beer. Intellectually, I know it's wrong to continue drinking like this, this is definitely not a place for getting drunk alone, but now I just want to drink.Forget it, call Jiang Yisheng later and ask him to carry me home. I was drinking and thinking wildly when my phone rang suddenly. I took out my mobile phone and saw that it was Wu Julan's call. I didn't want to answer it at first, but I stuffed it back into my pocket, but after a second thought, I couldn't bear to make him worry, so I still answered the phone. "Hey?" Wu Julan asked, "Where are you?" I pretended to be cheerful, "I was drinking and chatting with my friends outside. Sorry, I forgot to tell you and Jiang Yisheng." "What friend?" "I met an old classmate by chance in the hospital. I just planned to chat for a while, but the classmate called classmate, and several classmates came. You go home first, don't wait for me, I have to go back later. " "How late?" I scratched my hair and said, "Everyone is having a great chat. It won't be over for a while. I brought the key. Don't worry about me. Go to bed first!" Wu Julan was silent. I felt that I couldn't pretend anymore, and was on the verge of collapse, so I hurriedly said: "They are calling me, if you are fine, I will hang up." After speaking, I hung up the phone immediately without waiting for his response. I raised my head and drank the remaining half can of beer in one breath, and opened another can of beer. After drinking two cans of beer in a row, I suddenly called out inexplicably: "Wu Julan, I love you!" "Shen Luo loves Wu Julan very much!" "Wu Julan, there is a very good girl who loves you very much! If you don't cherish it, you will regret it sooner or later..." Facing the dark sea, I yelled like venting. Wu Julan, if you are like me, or I am like you, I will definitely tell you how much I love you! Growing up, I really wanted to love my father and mother like other children, but my parents didn't give me this opportunity.I have accumulated a lot of love, so much that I am reluctant to give it to anyone, and I dare not give it to anyone, because it is ordinary and all I have, but I want to give it to you. I want to spend my whole life loving you well, doing my best to treat you well, pampering you with everything I have, and making you the happiest man! However, if you don't give me a chance, my passionate love can only turn into a hopeless cry before the dark sea.The sky can hear, the earth can hear, and the sea can hear, but you can't hear it! I drank another can of beer in one breath and crushed the can viciously. With tears in my eyes, I swore to myself: "For the last time! If he responds to me, it is fate telling me not to give up. If he does not respond to me, fate tells me that I should give up!" I put down the beer can, stood up staggeringly, put my hands around my mouth, faced the sea, and shouted with all my strength: "Wu-ju-lan! Wu-ju-lan..." Under the sky full of stars, the sea breeze blows gently, and the waves gently beat against the rocks.I stood on a high rock, like a lunatic, screaming with all my strength, over and over again, as if I wanted to consume all my life in the screaming. I know no one will respond! I made this oath knowing the result, but I just forced myself to give up! Facing the sea, I called his name over and over again, shouting hoarsely, telling myself that this is destiny, and I have tried my best. From now on, I will bury this feeling deeply and make him feel that I also think that we are not suitable. I will tell him that I can let go and forget him, anyway, the only eternal thing in this universe is that everything will perish.Even a star can disappear, let alone a relationship?Please let him leave at ease, my feelings for him will definitely disappear with time!This is an objective law, and everything will not violate it! I believe that I must be very sincere when I say it, even if he stares into my eyes, he will believe it, because I am telling the truth and absolutely not deceiving him. Only, I won't tell him the time it takes for my feelings for him to fade away! My feelings for him will definitely disappear in this world, because, I will definitely disappear in this world too! "Wu Julan! Wu Julan! Wu Julan..." After calling hundreds or thousands of times, my voice finally became hoarse and I could no longer speak out. Between the sea and the sky, everything is silent, and no voice responds to my call. This is the final result that fate told me, and it is also the best result! My heart was ashamed, and I raised my head with tears streaming down my face, looking at the sky above my head. The stars are dense and bright. In the misty tears, tens of thousands of stars shone brightly, seeming so close to me, as if I could hold them with my hand. How like Wu Julan!Appearing so dazzlingly, it becomes your entire starry sky, eclipsing all the gems in the world.However, you can only watch, never own! I was bewitched and stretched out my hands towards the starry sky, wanting to embrace the entire sky. Suddenly, a meteor appeared, slid across half of the sky as fast as lightning, and disappeared at the end of the sea and sky. I didn't even have time to think about the shooting star making a wish, but when my eyes naturally followed its light, the only thought that flashed in my mind was: I want Wu Julan! When the shooting star disappeared, I couldn't help shouting again in a hoarse voice: "Wu Julan!" no respond. I scolded myself with tears in my eyes: "What an idiot!" Knowing it was a lie, but still doing it!If making a wish on a shooting star can make your wish come true, people all over the world don't have to work hard, just make a wish to the sky every night and wait for the shooting star to appear! I was watching the stars and weeping, a thought flashed through my mind like a shooting star, and my body froze all of a sudden. "If you want to know him, listen not to what he says, but to what he doesn't say." I stood there in a daze for a while, as if waking up from a dream, I hurriedly took out my phone. In the call log, the most recent record is "Wu Julan", which was already two hours ago. With trembling hands, I clicked his name and dialed the number. The familiar ringtone of the mobile phone rang, although it was very faint, but in this silent night, except for the gentle sound of the waves, it was the only thing that could be heard clearly. It turned out that it wasn't that he didn't respond, but that the way I called him was wrong. He's here, he's always been here! In an instant, shock, ecstasy, happiness, sadness, bitterness... All kinds of intense emotions surged in my heart, stirring up my brain like boiling water, a misty mist, making it difficult to distinguish between joy and sorrow. want to cry. When the ding ding dong dong ended, Wu Julan appeared.Under the starlight, he stood on a high cliff, looking down at me. When I didn't know he was there just now, I kept yelling at Haitian, as if wishing the whole world could hear me calling him.At this moment, he was right in front of my eyes, but I couldn't make a sound, I just stared at him blankly. He floated down from the cliff, the darkness did not affect him in the slightest, and the rugged rocks did not hinder him in the slightest. He was in front of me in a blink of an eye as if he was walking on flat ground. He is elegant and outstanding, standing in front of me gracefully.His brows were deep and calm, and his expression was calm and unhurried, as if he was not forced by me to come out to see me at all, but came to the appointment after a long time. In fact, we were only separated for a few hours, but my heart has gone back and forth several times between life and death.Looking at him, it was like reuniting after a long absence. The joy of being lost and found again, the sadness of the rest of the life after the catastrophe, the resentment of being wronged and self-pity, and the nervousness and shyness of facing the one I love... I looked at him with mixed feelings, as if I had a thousand words to confide, but in the end it turned into a sentence Lightly questioning: "Why are you hiding in the dark?" "I promised Jiang Yisheng that I wouldn't let you stay alone until I found out the origins of those people." I understood that he was not found later, but never left from the beginning.When Lin Han and I were talking in the stairwell, he didn't leave, but stood by.Later, I left the hospital without saying hello, and he followed me all the time. Then, he should have seen everything and understood everything. Thinking of him seeing me drinking and buying drunk, lying and saying that I was drinking and chatting with my friends, as well as those hoarse struggles and pains... I called his name thousands of times, and he was clearly on the side, but he was able to keep silent , watching me coldly push myself to a desperate situation... Sad and angry, I couldn't help but raised my hand and hit him hard. At this moment, I really hated him so much, I was merciless, gnashing my teeth and beating him with all my strength, it was like beating a life-and-death enemy. He didn't move, didn't say a word, and let me beat him. I beat him, feeling unspeakable grievances, tears streaming down my cheeks, and wept loudly while hugging him. He finally reached out and patted my back lightly. With a hoarse voice, I moaned and whimpered, "Wu... Julan..." This time, he didn't pretend not to hear, but said clearly, "I'm here." I couldn't believe it, I was taken aback for a while, and choked up and called out again: "Wu Julan!" He said it again very clearly: "Here I am." I wiped my tears and stared at him like I didn't know him. Wu Julan stared at me calmly. I sniffed, stared at him, and said viciously: "I won't give up! No matter what you think, whether you call me selfish or thick-skinned, I won't give up anyway! Even if one day I die, I will leave you Even though I suffer a lot, I will not give up! Compared with you, my life is very short, but I will give you my whole life!" Wu Julan was silent, just looked at me.His eyes were not the same as before, the indigo brilliance shone in the deep darkness, as if thousands of stars had melted into his eyes, more radiant and beautiful than the vast starry sky. I asked nervously: "You, what are you... thinking?" I was already too afraid of his ruthless indifference, and I was afraid that he would say something hurtful again. He asked calmly, "Is this your choice?" I firmly said: "This is my choice!" He asked calmly, "Even if it will bring you pain?" I firmly said: "Even if it will bring me pain!" He asked calmly, "Even if it will bring me pain?" I firmly said: "Even if it will bring you pain!" Wu Julan smiled slightly, and said firmly, "Okay!" I don't know what his "good" means, but his smile makes me forget everything. I just feel that the dark night has suddenly turned into a bright day, and it seems that there is a warm sun shining down, surrounding me and bringing me happiness. Here comes the warmth. Wu Julan said: "Let's go back, if we stay any longer, you're going to catch a cold again." His tone was so gentle that I completely lost my thinking function, and I just nodded obediently. Along the way, he has been holding my hand and never letting go, and I have been in a state of brain shutdown. Back home in a daze, when he let go of my hand and let me go upstairs to rest, I realized that I didn't seem to ask him what he was thinking. I stood at the stairs, reluctant to go upstairs. Wu Julan asked: "What's wrong?" I mustered up my courage and stammered and asked, "On the beach just now, what did you mean by 'yes'?" He turned and went into the study, came out with a notebook, and handed it to me. It's the notebook where he drew three sketches, it's really something I remember deeply!I couldn't help shivering, gritted my teeth, and took it over. Wu Julan gently stroked my head, and said gently: "Don't be nervous, this time it's not..." It wasn't anything, but he didn't say any more. "Yeah!" I agreed with my mouth, but I couldn't relax at all. With the feeling of a strong man going to die, I hurried upstairs with my notebook. As soon as I closed the bedroom door, I opened my laptop.After flipping through the three sketches, the next page was filled with elegant and elegant words. After reading two sentences, I breathed a sigh of relief. It was not some cruel and hurtful words, but a prose poem "On Love" by Gibran: After reading it several times in a row, I hugged the notebook tightly and leaned against the bedroom door, smiling with tears in my eyes and closing my eyes. Just now, as soon as Wu Julan entered the study, she immediately walked out with a notebook. It is obviously impossible to write it tonight.I can't guess when he wrote it, maybe he wrote it after he questioned me that night, maybe he wrote it when he was thinking about it in the past two days. No matter what, in this relationship, I am not the only one who thinks and chooses painfully. He is torturing my questions, and he is also torturing himself. Regardless of the process, the result is that we all made the same choice, let love be love!As for the pain, we are willing to bear it!Because that's part of love!