Chapter 3 3. Late at night suddenly dreaming about youth

He said, you are disgusting. I tried to see even the slightest hint of joking intentions in his eyes, but I couldn't focus my eyes no matter what.The blood almost rushed to my face, the tinnitus was so loud that I couldn't hear anything, and snowflakes quickly piled up from the surroundings to the middle, filling my eyes. I want to say something.Maybe it's a simple and rude "X you uncle", maybe it's a more witty counterattack without dirty words, maybe I don't understand it, just make a joke and pass this level first, after all, I can see it after living for more than 30 years I have lived many times in the world, what is the word disgusting, and I have made it through even the most difficult situations... But there is nothing but silence.

So familiar.A few simple words, caught off guard, hit my Achilles heel. The more stressful the moment, the easier it is to go astray.At this moment, I vaguely remembered a self-study class in high school. There was a phrase in the English tutoring book whose Chinese definition was vague. I poked the people around me with a pen, "words failed me", What's the meaning? "It means... It's not that I don't want to say it, it's just that you don't want to say it. I really want to express it, I want to express it desperately, but deep down in my heart, I vaguely know that words are useless at this moment. The two are fighting each other, and the words are running around in my mind. But you just can't catch it."

"...Is it that complicated?" "It's not complicated, it's not complicated at all, it's super simple. But when you realize it simply, you must be very sad." I watched Teng Zhen turn and leave, disappearing into the noise.And I held onto the wall, and it took me a long time to wait until the whiteness in front of me completely dissipated. Now I feel it. Words failed me. It is indeed sad. The journalists and photographers who interviewed me at the beginning of the exhibition came over and chatted along the booth, nodded to me, stood beside me and chatted about the paintings I had seen.My ears are still buzzing, and I feel like I am trapped in a dark room, and the words of others are coming from outside through the thick door, and I can't really hear them at all.

But I still used the trembling corners of my mouth to hold a friendly face, clasped my fingers, clamped my arms tightly, and ruthlessly restrained my trembling body. We are all grown-ups, and when you encounter something big, you will panic and lose face. In this way, I persisted until the end of the show. I greeted everyone, waved, said goodbye, directed Xiaoye and several other employees to do the final finishing work, waited for the museum to turn off the lights, and told them to go first, don’t wait for me . I walked up to the attic in a daze, dug out the sleeping pills in my bag, swallowed two pills, turned off the lights and locked the door, curled up on the sofa in the office.

My home is in a bungalow complex next to the Art Museum, only ten minutes' walk away.But I can't walk anymore. Sleeping pills are the most dependable antidote to all the troubles in the world.Sleep takes you lightly before anger and sadness roll in, and you don't have to face anything. There is only a small round floor lamp on in the corner of the wall, the dark room is like the universe, expanding a little bit, and there are countless bright nebulae hidden in the depths, and I can only see the nearest dim yellow moon on the isolated island. It seems that at some point a long time ago, I stared at a moon in such a dull and sad way, and someone sat gently beside me and hugged me.

"Did you know that the moon is actually hoisted up with a device similar to a pulley, and the rope is used to hoist it up, and you must not let go, otherwise the moon may fall to your death. Hanging the moon is very hard, and everyone works in shifts." "Why can't you sleep? Because the blood of the moon hanger is flowing in your body." Accompanied by the whispers of traveling through time, I let go of the rope on the pulley and fell into a chaotic dream with the moon. I dreamed about my mother. In my dream, she was still the same as I was when I was a child. When she was squatting and crying, her long, oily black hair reached the ground softly. Looking from behind, she looked like a sad black stone.

It seems that because of something very small, she stopped me on the way from school, scolded me harshly in public, cursed and cursed, and suddenly squatted on the ground and started crying. Crying out of breath, he said, I know this is not enough to get angry, why do I always get angry, it’s just me, why is it just me... I remember her like this.In my distant teenage years, she has always been this hysterical look, always able to easily and unscrupulously tear away the self-esteem and decency I tried to maintain.I don't know what kind of pain she has, I just want to stay away from her.

Maybe we never loved each other. In my mind, she is like a dynamite bag filled with wires at 360 degrees in all directions, and the static electricity from taking off a sweater is enough to blow me away in an instant. However, in the dream, I walked over for an unprecedented time, bent down and hugged her. I'm a fucking girl Dong Cunrui. There are some other dreams intermittently, all about the past, half-truth, half-false, it seems to be the same thing, wake up and recall, like a monkey fishing for the moon.I used to take half a tablet when I was troubled, but this time I was a little impulsive. Two pills allowed me to sleep until the sun went down the next day.I stared at the ray of skylight leaking from the seams of the blackout curtains for a long time, reluctant to turn on the phone under the sofa to confirm the exact time.

I'm afraid Teng Zhen didn't send an apology text message. Finally, the urgency to urinate overcame everything.I struggled to get up from the sofa, brushed the messy hair off my face, grabbed my phone and rushed to the bathroom, and the phone vibrated as soon as I sat on the toilet. My eyebrows were beaming, and then I saw "Little Leaf" displayed on the screen. I picked up the phone and promised her that she would remember to take home the leftover cake in the refrigerator. At the same time, I watched the girl's upturned eyes and the corners of her mouth fall back together in the mirror.After hanging up the phone, I subconsciously glanced at the screen - sure enough, there was no unread message or missed call.

The bangs have absorbed enough oil on the face, and they stick to the forehead softly; last night, the makeup was not removed, the foundation was completely eaten into the skin, and four closed pimples quickly appeared along the hairline; in the dream, maybe I shed two tears, my mascara and eye shadow smudged in the corners of my eyes, like an incompetent clown, and along the way, I got two brand new dry lines around my eyes—very good, very good, sleeping with makeup all night, last month The beauty parlor was gone for nothing. Why are adults supposed to know how to control their emotions better than children?Because skin care products are so fucking expensive.

Fortunately, there was a spare set of toiletries left in the bathroom in the office, so I cheered up quickly and threw my phone aside. What's the matter, didn't you just meet a handsome psychopath, who lost his sight and lost all his money?Look at his nagging virtues in the art gallery, he is luckier than finding out that he is a serial wife murderer after getting married, right?The embarrassing and embarrassing moment and no one else saw it, so I just forgot it myself?Be more careful next time and keep working hard, how did you sing that line? "I love so easily." The art gallery is closed today, and when I went downstairs, I found that there was still a third of yesterday's cake in the refrigerator.Xiaoye and I made this thing with our own hands. Although it was to inadvertently tell Teng Zhen to surprise him, he felt that I really have richer connotations and more interesting aspects worth exploring, and fell in love with me deeply. What... But it doesn't prevent me from taking it to find Lao He now, and telling Lao He that this is specially made for her. I waited for a long time in the living room outside her office, the cream was melting with the setting sun, and I felt uneasy. Did something happen to her, or was she hiding from me on purpose? Fortunately, she came out at this time, sat down in front of me, picked up the fork and started eating cake without saying a word, without any hesitation.I breathed a sigh of relief. "Don't you ask how the exhibition is going? It's fine if you don't come to give a speech, and don't make a phone call?" She paused, then continued to eat: "I'm busy, I don't have time to take care of it." "It's you who have to live and die. No matter how free I am, you can't play with me like this?" She ate, chewed, and swallowed: "It's really busy." In the past, Lao He was so aggressive because she didn't see outsiders; now she is sulking, but she is avoiding me.Somehow I just feel it.Even though she lost her temper at me before the exhibition, released me without saying hello during the exhibition, and did more moody things before, including pointing at my nose and cursing, I have never been angry, let alone fighting , I always speak well and tell her frankly how I feel and how much I care about this friendship. So all of Lao He and the others said that I have a good personality and I am not hypocritical. But this time, I feel something is different. So I found another way: "Yesterday Teng Zhen scolded me. Then we never contacted again." She put down the fork, lit a cigarette, and she became a little normal: "What's going on?" "I don't know. He just scolded me suddenly. There is really no reason. I wonder if he has a family history of mental illness, regular hysteria or something." "Aren't you going to ask him?" Old He knocked on the cigarette ash, "Ask him why." "If you have anything to ask, forget it." Although the "sad thing" was said to ease the relationship with Lao He, it was unavoidable to feel a little depressed while talking about it, "This kind of thing is just like walking on the side of the road. Suddenly a basin of water was poured down on you, and you want to run up the stairs wet and look for someone from house to house? So what if you find them, and force them to admit that you have no quality? Have a fight? Why don’t you admit it from the beginning? Unlucky, hurry home and change into a new one.” She looked up at me, moved her lips, and changed her words at the critical moment: "Aren't you uncomfortable? Don't you like him very much, very much." I smiled: "If I confess and he rejects me, I may feel very sad. But now this is too nonsensical. When I think that he may be a lunatic with intermittent attacks, I don't think it's a pity at all." "Besides," I said, picking up a piece of cake myself, "you know, my greatest specialty is starting over," Lao He didn't smile. I suddenly felt that panic again. "You're good at starting over," she said slowly. The cake in the mouth becomes dry.I swallowed hard and dropped the fork. "What's wrong with me? What's wrong with one or two of you? I've made some money with you all these years, but when you're yelling at me and trying to play the boss' temper, I let you go with a smile on my face. You Do you think I will die without you? There are so many people in your company who are counting on you to eat, and you play with your prestige to find them, because I regard you as my best friend, and you think I have no temper?" Lao He stood up, walked back to the office calmly, looked back at me before closing the door, and said: "Teng Zhen is not crazy. You are indeed disgusting." Here it comes again, that feeling comes again.Before that piece of snowflakes filled my vision, I chased after her to ask what she meant, how did she know what Teng Zhen said to me?In the end, she actually locked the door, and she wouldn't open it no matter how I photographed her. He Ling I x your grandma!I kicked a few times, thought for a while, then grabbed the glass on the table in the reception room and slammed it hard at the door of her office. The cup wasn't broken, the glass door wasn't broken, and it lacked momentum. I remembered what I said just now - "It's better to go home and change into new clothes from the beginning." If only my life were a movie.I hope that the director will jump directly from this second to the next scene. I have already taken a sleeping pill and am hanging on the moon in bed. It's a pity that life cannot tolerate editing.No matter how hot my heart is, I have to step out of this building step by step.The drowsiness ebbed with the dream as early as an hour ago, but the sadness and anger kept up with me, blooming white teeth: "We haven't left yet." I was planning to go to the gym to fight boxing, but I suddenly received a call from my dad.This weekend, he agreed to come and cook for me. When I got home, my dad poked his head out of the kitchen to take a look, his eyes circled around my dim face, and went in to cut vegetables without asking anything.I really didn't know what to do, and I couldn't stand reading, so I simply went to the bathroom and applied a mask, and when I walked out, the phone that was thrown on the dining table began to vibrate frequently. I parked the car downstairs just now, and I did a shameless thing. I followed the contact list and sent the same straightforward WeChat messages to all the people who were not bad, including those men who had, are, and suspected to be chasing me in the future. "Quickly, tell me about my strengths, be specific, be sincere, and don't ask why." It's okay to be insincere, I just want to be heard, desperately want to be heard. I have never accepted gifts from any suitors, I treat people with courtesy, and I refuse them decisively, never hanging on to them; anyone who has been in a few relationships knows that loving someone is happier than being loved, if they get something from liking me Even if there is even a sliver of happiness, then it is not too much for me to ask for a little praise in turn, right? right. I unlocked it with my fingerprint, clicked on the WeChat icon, and everyone responded enthusiastically. "Five advantages are too few, right? You have to start with ten." "Quiet when you should be quiet, cheerful when you should be cheerful, able to be alone, gregarious, good-looking, good at dressing up, good at key occasions, not stealing the limelight at ordinary times, sensitive but not glassy... just a few, enough ?" "Rich and generous. This one is worth a hundred." "Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty." ... Hmm, quite reasonable, remarkable, very pertinent! I read greedily, laughing while reading: look, look, I'm so good, who wouldn't like me? Whether it's true or not, it's all accepted. The vibrating new WeChat is nothing but tiny pebbles.For the first time in my life, the heart-pounding love, and the friendship that I thought I had been utterly daring in the years, joined hands to dig a bottomless black hole in my chest.With these stones, I, Jingwei, will fill the sea, and I, Nuwa, will mend the sky. Holding the phone and laughing for a long time, until the shame of asking for praise finally surpassed the pleasure of being praised, I threw down the phone and went to the kitchen, leaning against the door to watch my dad cooking. "I told you a long time ago that the kitchen can't be made open. It's useless if it looks good. The smell will escape, and the living room will be smoked for you sooner or later." He babbled while turning the pot. "Ok." "Didn't you have an aunt who comes to clean it regularly? The sink is so high that she can't see it? Forget it, don't wash it if you don't wash it. I will wash it for you. The aunts outside are not necessarily healthy, just in case What kind of disease is it? It’s better not to let outsiders touch the food you eat.” "Ok." "I'll make you something light tonight, vegetable sprouts, have you eaten?" "Isn't it from Hubei?" Finally, there was a sentence I could pick up, "There shouldn't be a vegetable market here, right? Are you TV shopping again?" My dad was a little uncomfortable, turned the knob too far, and turned off the fire inadvertently. "Buy it, buy it, why be nervous." His appearance made me want to laugh, but unfortunately the mask made me unable to open my mouth. "It's a good deal. It's really a good deal. It's not a lie. I tried it at home first. The fried garlic is delicious. If you don't believe me, try it. Dad is not spending money indiscriminately. It is not easy for you to make money. Seeing that your life is not regular, and you don’t eat the next meal, I will improve it for you..." "All right, all right," I hurriedly stopped him, "Fire, fire." For so many years, I have been unable to get rid of my dad's inexplicable guilt. This guilt reached its peak when I sold the house-"Heaven and Earth" was investigated and dealt with. The mysterious gold-selling cave came into the eyes of ordinary people through the news. My dad was so nervous when he learned that the top names in the daily fortune are all female college students who are fluent in English, and he looked at me with deep worry and self-blame. He felt that he hadn't made much money in his life, and he didn't save a dowry for his daughter like other parents did. As a result, I was too wild to show my face outside, and I still can't get married.But he had nothing to do. People in their late 60s had no time to struggle. They tried their best to urge the marriage, but his daughter ignored him. There was only one thing left to do: save money. I go to the vegetable market at the latest time every day. The price of vegetables is cheap, so I can save some money. I can’t waste my daughter’s hard-earned money. Oh, and by the way, I only turn on the faucet at home a little, and put a basin under it to continue overnight. You can save enough water for rice washing the next day without using the water meter... Even though I have explained to him countless times that he saves a year's food and water bills for taxi tickets, and I go to KTV and open a bottle of wine, it will all be gone. I looked at the old man's back, the apron belt stretched his waist and abdomen out of the two lumps of fat, his hair was gray, and his back was a little bent.When did he grow from "Ming'an Street Tony Leung" to what he is now? I decided that I would never correct his stubborn frugality any longer, as long as it made him feel like he was making a contribution and live with more peace of mind.Sometimes dignity is the right to deceive oneself and others, and respect is to formulate the other party's exercise of this right. "Help me serve these dishes on the table." He ordered while filling the soup. "Well," I took off the mask, "OK." After dinner, I drove my dad home.My dad's frugal frenzy has reached a new level, and he insisted on not letting me turn around at the intersection, babbling, let me cross the road by myself, what kind of waste oil is that, quickly unbuckle the seat belt, slam the car door and trot across The isolation zone, it seems that if you take a slow step, you will be caught by me. I drove along the street for a while. The main road was twisted and twisted by roadblocks because of the subway construction. , Try to see if you can take a shortcut and go home. Then I was lost. Our house used to be the most central old town of the island city "Mingzi Pian'er". It starts with Ming characters, such as the Mingde Primary School I attended, such as No. 6 Ming'an Street where my home is-I have lived here from preschool to senior three. Twelve years.Now I am actually lost. But there is nothing strange about it.I've always had a bad memory, I'm used to it. No. 6 Ming'an Street is now my father's house.In my junior year, my dad went back to his hometown by himself, and lived in the old house on Ming'an Street alone, and went up to the fifth floor without any effort.Later, when I had enough money, I said I would buy him an elevator room, but he didn't want it. He said that fallen leaves return to their roots. Fallen leaves return to their roots.He was forty-seven years old when he said this dejected remark.Bill Gates struggled until he was 60 years old before retiring, and my father returned to his roots when he was 47 years old!Is there still Wang Fa? Fortunately, I, a lonely and helpless female college student, picked up leftovers with Lao He in the wave of reform and opening up, and unexpectedly lived to be thirty years old, just like the saying goes. Thinking of this, I parked the car on the side of the road and decided to send Lao He a message - I didn't think of her because of money, really not, I was emotional. There was a light rain outside, and under the umbrella-shaped street lights, it was fine and dense, making people feel gentle. Where are there so many deep hatreds, you just turn your head and leave without saying a word, don't you feel very dragged?Don't you have something to say?If you don't speak well, I will tell you well. "Let's stop playing TV dramas. Half of what you say is meaningless. Just explain it clearly. What did I do wrong that made you hate it so much? Even if you tell me, you and Teng Zhen are actually playing tricks on me." I think it's also a reason to play hidden married couples. I'm very reluctant to part with the relationship for so many years, anyway, at least for now, you are still my best friend, let's make up. " I didn't feel shy or embarrassed in the slightest while posting this.One of my boyfriends once commented that I was the thickest-skinned person he had ever met, who yelled at him to fuck off an hour ago, and could send a text message an hour later and said, "I calmed down and thought that since it was not a matter of principle, and I I really like you, why don't we make up." I'd rather have the whole world's summing up to me, so what?Self-esteem is not made of glass, so it is so easy to break. What kind of person is the happiest, like me. It has a soft body and flies close to the ground. The WeChat message was sent successfully. It seems that Lao He didn't delete or block me, which is a good sign.I waited for a reply in the car, changed to a particularly magnificent soundtrack CD to listen to, turned off the lights, and lay on the steering wheel to watch the quiet rain outside. Gradually, I felt something was wrong, and turned off the music. Sure enough, there was a thin cry coming from the car window, beeping, meowing like a cat. This time I was completely pissed off. I pressed the lock button several times nervously, and then I remembered, the odd number is unlocked, and the even number is locked. How many times have I locked it?Convinced, I was the one who died in the first three minutes of the horror movie. While I was in a daze, there was a knocking sound in my ear, and the car window was covered with a shadow. I groaned and almost jumped out of the car seat. It should be a woman. Seeing that I didn't respond, she knocked twice more, her face was a bit unrecognizable through the car window with UV protection film. I calmed down for a while, and cautiously closed the car window with a small crack: "Is there something wrong?" The woman was sobbing, her nasal voice was heavy, it seemed that she was the one who was crying to the movie music just now: "Excuse me, can I borrow your phone number? I just burned paper and accidentally dropped my phone into the fire. It exploded." It was too novel, and if she was a liar, the reason was too novel.Her phone blew up. I kind of wanted to laugh: "Where are you going to call? Can I dial for you?" She was outside the car in the drizzle, and I couldn't bear to ask so many questions, but I can't let her get in the car, or give her the phone directly, right? "Thank you then," she reported a series of landline numbers, "I'll call home and ask my husband to pick me up. I just gave birth, and now I feel a little uncomfortable and can't walk." Everything she said was so out of the ordinary that I decided to believe her.It was a man who answered the phone. Sure enough, there was a child crying at home. The man was very wary at first, but he thought I was a liar. I had no choice but to turn on the speakerphone and signal the woman to shout something into the receiver. "It's me, your wife, Xing Guizhi!" The name came from a young man in his twenties and thirties, who sounded like my grandma at first glance. Wait a minute, Xing Guizhi? While the woman communicated her exact location with her husband through hands-free, I pushed down the car window again, and her face was finally revealed in full. , clearly the same person. She also saw me, and she glanced away at first, maybe because my gaze was too weird, she turned back to look at me carefully. "Zhang Xiaoman?" It's an awkward feeling.It's too late to deny it now, because I did recognize her first, but how can I explain to others that I just compared her name and photo, but I don't remember her as an old classmate?Don't greet me! "Hmm..." I smiled awkwardly, and suddenly realized that she was still standing in the rain, "I didn't recognize her at first, I was too vigilant. Do you want to get in the car, and I'll take you home." She looked at me like a sculpture in the rain, without moving her eyes.During the silent time, only her husband was still on the other end of the phone. "You're still alive," she said indifferently, "There's no need." The lady who just said that she just gave birth and was unwell turned around and walked away with vigorous steps. ...Hello? "Are you still alive?" "No need?" Whose husband is this on the phone?Whose son is crying?Are you polite?It's your fault that your phone exploded! I was walking on the road and was splashed with water upstairs, I should go home and change clothes; I was walking on the road, and was splashed with water three times by upstairs, I should blast the whole building! I was so angry that my nose was almost crooked, and I decided to immediately click on the high school WeChat group that I blocked to remind her, educate her well, and quit the group after scolding, anyway, I don’t know anyone! While pondering the words in my mind, I casually glanced at the confinement wine group photos they posted in the group, staring at Xing Guizhi in each photo indignantly, until I saw Lao He. The most complete group photo, more than 30 people, Lao He is standing on the far right of the last row, zoom in and zoom in, and you can still see her helping her buy while working and studying in Europe. purple Kelly bag. Old He is five years older than me.Why is she so familiar with my high school classmates, and why is it never mentioned. It suddenly occurred to me that Teng Zhen also graduated from No. 1 Middle School.