Chapter 13 Chapter Thirteen

That incident happened when I, Misako, and you, who were still very young, went to stay at my mother-in-law's house in Maebashi as a family of three. For some reason, I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night, and then I found that the bed next to me was empty. I guess she must have taken you to the bathroom, but when I reached out to touch it, the sheets were cold. Plus, a wind blows into the room from nowhere.Reflexively, I grabbed the watch next to my pillow to check the time, it was almost two o'clock. I got up and took a closer look, not only the sliding door of the corridor, but also the glass door facing the courtyard was unlocked, with a gap of about ÷ ten centimeters open.

I called Misako's name, but there was no response.In the quiet night at the beginning of July, the entire courtyard was completely silent, only the silvery white moonlight was shining down on it. Something big happened, I think so. Anyway, I put on the wooden clogs first, searched in the courtyard and outside the hedge, and then went into the house again to look at every room. There are no trams at this time, it is impossible for Misako to take you back to the apartment first, but I still tried to make a call.Then, wake up Misako's parents. The mother-in-law was very panicked and insisted on calling 110 to report the crime, but I tried my best to reassure her.It's just that the wife and children left home in the middle of the night, and the police couldn't investigate with great fanfare, so instead of doing that, it would be faster to find it by yourself.

Besides, to be honest, the last time the two criminal policemen went to the apartment also made me worry.Now if Misako caused trouble, those detectives would definitely look suspiciously at her. So I called Misako's younger sister, Eomiko, who lived nearby.If it's Yingshizi, you can drive.I briefly explained the reason and said to her: I'm really sorry it's so late, but just in case, can you go to the apartment for me to have a look. Although no one answered the phone call home, it does not mean that Misako has not returned to the apartment 100%, and if there is an accident somewhere, she should notify her family first.

Ying Shizi immediately agreed.Although she has to come to my hometown first to get the house keys from me, but if I fly to the apartment in Tokyo, it should only take a little more than an hour in the middle of the night. Let my mother-in-law stay at home, and my father-in-law and I will find someone separately.Although we didn't say it clearly, we walked in the direction of the river instead of the station in a tacit understanding. You probably don’t remember that in the north of the grandfather’s house, the tributaries of the Rigen River flowed between the residential area and the large fields as a boundary.When people go out for a walk, most of them will walk all the way to the embankment.

Towards the upper reaches of the river, my father-in-law looked for the south bank, and I crossed the bridge and walked to the north bank, inspecting the grass, and calling her name from time to time to search along the road. The sound of water sounded, and the moonlight shone and shattered on the river. The blades of grass and the ground are as bright as a layer of silver film, and even the figure of my father-in-law jogging back and forth on the opposite bank can be clearly seen.However, there is a kind of uneasiness that the things that should really be seen disappear without a trace, which makes me almost suffocate.

Time ticked by. On the way, the concrete revetment has come to an end, so the lush weeds on the shoulder of the road make it difficult to see clearly below the embankment.From my position, the river on the other side where my father-in-law is can see it more clearly. When I turned along the arc-shaped river, a small figure standing on the other side of the river came into view.Children in pajamas seem to be walking into the river at any moment. "there!" I pointed across the river and loudly informed my father-in-law.While looking out of the corner of my eye at my father-in-law who was about to run away, I ran as hard as I could.

"Ryosuke!" "Dangerous, don't go into the water!" We yelled together, I don't know if you heard it, but your ankles are already in the water, and you seem to be trying to cross the river. "Ryosuke, don't move, just wait there, I'll go over right away." You glanced over to my side of the road, but showed no signs of stopping.Just when you took another step, maybe you fell into the depths of the water, and saw that you were submerged in an instant, and then floated up again and then washed away by the water. I roll down the slope.At this time, there was a sound of water, and I saw someone jumping into the water upstream from my end.I guess it must be Misako, you must have wanted to come to the other side to find your mother just now.

I took off my shoes and threw it away and jumped into the river. The water flooded up to my shoulders in a blink of an eye.The water was more turbulent than expected, and in a blink of an eye it took me to a depth where I could not step on the bottom.That area happened to be a bend in the river, and the bottom of the river near this bank was deeply sunken. Even if I paddled as hard as I could against the current, it was impossible to go upstream.All I could do was to crane my neck and look around while trying not to get swept downstream. I saw Misako's body floating towards you, holding you in her arms, paddling the water desperately with one hand to avoid sinking.I reached out to grab her, but of course it was impossible to catch her, and you all passed me in an instant.

I squeezed out all my strength to chase behind, completely forgetting myself.I wanted to yell, but I drank water. I just felt my fingertips touch Misako's body, and then I pulled away again. After crossing the bend, the current weakens slightly.Misako seems to have given up and is just going with the flow, and you sink into the water again and again. I managed to catch up and grabbed the body that was about to sink again from behind.Misako and you who are being hugged by her, your whole body is limp and your eyes are closed, it doesn't look like you are still breathing. Father-in-law was yelling at the water's edge.I kicked the water and tried to swim, and finally my foot hit the bottom of the river.

After letting you mother and son lie flat on the grass on the river bank, my father-in-law and I immediately started first aid together.The actual time in the water was about three minutes or so, so I guess it shouldn't matter. Fortunately, you spit out water immediately, and after you regained your breathing, I just wanted to get the two of you into the ambulance as soon as possible, so I decided to let my father-in-law carry you to the nearest private house.It is to wake up the other party, so that the other party can borrow the phone and dry blanket.Because at that time, unlike now, there were no mobile phones.

I stayed where I was and continued to give Misako artificial respiration.She had a pulse from the beginning, though weak as a spasm, but she was breathing too, but was not awake.His face was also very pale.I really wanted to warm her body but couldn't do anything.After about five minutes, I saw that she was breathing steadily by herself, so I stopped blowing into her mouth. At that moment, I found a deep cut on her left wrist.It seemed to be cut in the same place again and again, and the wound was ugly and deep.However, after being washed with water, the blood stopped, and the open wound seemed to be blackened under the moonlight.I can't even imagine how much blood she lost before jumping into the river. Knowing that she intends to commit suicide, I am confused.Although I don't understand the reason, after much deliberation, I'm afraid it has something to do with the murder case that the criminal policeman mentioned last time.Later, her appearance was always a little bit wrong, and I was also inexplicably worried. But even so, I didn't expect her to do such a thing suddenly. I seriously doubt that she is possessed by the too bright moonlight. I suddenly came back to my senses, only then did I realize that Misako was looking at me with her eyes slightly open.That was the look she would show from time to time, just watching.The pale face was expressionless, only the eyes were alive, and they kept dripping tears. I thought to myself, she did kill someone.But being so messed with by a woman who couldn't commit suicide, I couldn't move or speak.My head is extremely confused, only one thing, I understand.The reason why she wants to die is not for anything else, but because she doesn't want to be separated from me. This is unforgivable. I still think so.If he died for the sake of atonement, that's all. However, it was because of a woman like her that there was nothing he could do.She was too simple in the first place, or it should be said that her thinking was simple, and she always couldn't grasp the feeling of stopping when enough was enough and doing what was within her means.Obviously such a seemingly flawed fool, for some reason, always makes me feel extremely distressed. When I looked back at her staring at me, as if attracted by her, I suddenly wanted to let Misako die.I fell into a strange feeling that since this hard-working woman wanted my hand so badly, it was my duty to do so.Just cover her mouth and nose for a while, it can be easily done.Just tell my father-in-law that she's drowning badly and I can't revive her.Then she will be happy... However, of course I didn't do that. I just silently stroked her cold body until the ambulancemen brought the stretcher.During this time, I didn't even say a word to her. That's all that happened that night.Neither your mother nor your child's life was in danger, and you were admitted to the hospital. I called back to the apartment from the hospital and explained to my sister-in-law what had happened.She seemed so irritated that she didn't even have the energy to drive back, saying she would stay overnight at the apartment. In fact, at that time, Eomiko had already started to read the notebook written by Misako.I heard afterwards that the thing was piled up on the table like a suicide note.Since it was such an amazing content, she probably planned to wait until at least the next day when she settled down a little before telling us. A period of panic followed. As much as I was concerned, the hospital notified the police.The police made a statement, but Misako stopped speaking no matter who the target was.She didn't do it on purpose, the doctor said it was a degenerative mutism caused by excessive stress. My father-in-law and I honestly told what we saw that night.After Misako slipped out of the bed, the child seemed to run out staggeringly after her mother. Listen, she really wants to die alone.Even though it was written like that in the notes, she still chose to destroy herself without hesitation at the critical moment of the boundary between madness and sobriety when she was driven to nowhere. After all, she couldn't have killed you in the first place.She loves you so much, her love for you is so heartbreaking to watch. In the end, the police just said please take care and closed the case.The criminal police who came to the door before did not hear the news and came to question him again. You were discharged from the hospital after staying for two days, but it was not so easy for Misako.It was a general hospital with a psychiatric department, so the hospital said it was best to observe the situation again, and refused to allow him to be discharged. At this moment, you, who came back with great difficulty, began to feel unwell again. You have been feverish and weak, so you took to the doctor again, only to find out that it was pneumonia.It's as if the river has dirt in it, and you inhaled some of it into your lungs.This is said to sometimes occur after drowning. I heard that occasionally troublesome sequelae may be left behind, so after getting a letter of recommendation from a doctor, I will arrange for you to be admitted to a hospital in Tokyo with a professional doctor. It is impossible for me to take long-term leave from work, and I am exhausted traveling between the workplace, your hospital, and Maebashi Hospital where Misako lives. In each hospital, I only met briefly, or called to contact important matters, other than that, I had no time to talk to my father-in-law at all. When I finally found time to go to my mother-in-law's house in Maebashi, it was Sunday two days before Misako was discharged from the hospital.I remember that it was a muggy night with only thunder but no rain. Ying Shizi also came, and I saw the notebook for the first time. They asked me to read it first, so I stayed in another room and read the four volumes in sequence. I shuddered. It was as if the words she wrote were entwined, and I was dizzy and unable to think about anything. When I returned to the living room, my father-in-law, mother-in-law, and Eomiko all lowered their heads and refused to look at me.It's like during the two hours I read the notes, the three of them didn't say a word, and they didn't move, as if they had turned into stone statues and crouched in place. In fact, Emiko's voice, which took a while to speak, seemed to be squeezed out of her tightly locked throat, broken and sharp. "We can't let her continue to be with the child," Yingshizi said. Father-in-law and mother-in-law remained silent. I think they already came to some kind of conclusion.It's just that they were too afraid to admit it, so the three of them kept asking and answering in their hearts. I also told you just now, judging from the situation at that time, it is impossible for Misako to want to attack you. Of course I am very aware of that now, but at that time I completely lost my composure after reading the notes, and I had the illusion that the things written in the notes really happened.I thought to myself that although she failed this time, she might really do it another day. Besides, the fact that she killed several other people, as well as the incident in the main park, is of course impossible for me to accept. "I hesitated for a long time. I don't know whether I should let you see it, or it's better for the three of us to solve it by ourselves." He was clearly talking to me, but my father-in-law still didn't look at me. "However, that's impossible after all. When you think of that child, no matter what you do, you need your cooperation." "How to do what? What are you going to do?" I just automatically asked back, in fact, my head is still in a paralyzed state. "It's reasonable for her to surrender. It's not that we haven't thought about it." Mother-in-law cried bitterly. "Absolutely not. Haven't I said it many times? If you do that, the kid will really go crazy." Her diary repeatedly mentioned her fear of being confined in a small space. Probably because of claustrophobia, she usually doesn't even dare to take the elevator, and hates the underground and the subway.So long-term imprisonment is probably the cruelest form of torture, and her parents and sister are well aware of this. "It would be great if she was washed away by the water and drowned. If so, it wouldn't be like this..." At this time, there was thunder again, and suddenly the power went out. In the darkness, no one's face could be seen temporarily, but no one wanted to get up to get a flashlight. "If you are so angry, I won't let everyone get involved in such an abnormal thing. If she dies, not only will I not tell my brother-in-law, I won't even tell my parents, so I can secretly dispose of the notes... that person It's not my sister anymore, that kind of murderer is not from our family at all." Although I couldn't see the expression clearly in the dark, as I talked more and more, Yingshizi's voice began to look like a broken jar. Then began an unusual family meeting. Everyone's inner thoughts, as if triggered by darkness, overflowed from their mouths. Not even sure if someone is talking to someone, or just talking to themselves. ...how on earth should we be responsible...you can't do nothing like this...it's unforgivable...it's the death penalty anyway...it's too pitiful...then at least we can do it ourselves...even if it's for the minimum moral... The rest of us... think of those who were killed by Misako... the crimes that we should bear in our lifetime... Every face rose out of the darkness like a flat, white mask. I haven't had a good night's sleep in a long time, so it's almost impossible to resist drowsiness in this situation.I really want to fall asleep, think of nothing, and disappear without feeling anything. At that time, under the bright lights, the scene of everyone boisterously drinking around this table came back to my mind like a dream. After getting her to the bank, I should have let her die like that, I had to think.At that time, her eyes were obviously full of that desire to seduce me. "Let's do it like this. This is the only way, right, Dad, and it's for my sister's good too." I remember Eiko saying that. I don't know when the lights in the room were turned on again. "Then you all agree, you won't regret it." "How can you not regret it?" "That's right, Dad, the problem is that there is no way to solve it without regret." The women were all sobbing. "...Yeah, I can only choose the method with less regrets to make her atone. Then, do you agree?" I didn't realize that the other party was asking me for a while, but I unexpectedly understood what the other party was asking. I don't remember nodding at the time. Probably click it, otherwise the following things will not happen. On the day she was discharged from the hospital, the parents-in-law who came to pick her up took Misako into the car and left. Misako still didn't speak.I was staying to pack up and pay the medical bills, and she watched me through the car window until the end.The way she stared at me desperately with those dark, wet eyes that seemed to see nothing is still imprinted in my heart. After I returned to the ward, I spit out bitter gastric juice lying on the washstand.Afterwards, I sat down on the empty hospital bed, thinking to myself, this is right, we cannot allow such weird blemishes to continue to live in this world.I try to make myself think so. That first night, when she suddenly asked me the time in the park, her thin and downcast appearance involuntarily came to mind. From now on, no matter how long I live, I'm afraid I will never see that flawed woman again.And for me, no matter how normal a woman might appear in front of me, I am afraid that it is impossible to have the love I embraced for that defective product, and I have already understood this point. Therefore, of course I insisted on doing it myself, and I knew very well that it was Misako's wish. But Eiko was furious. "You can't let brother-in-law do it. Wouldn't that be doing this kind of thing to satisfy my sister's wish? This should be done to make her atone for the murder." She cried and pestered me so much and refused to let go. Hideko, with bloodshot eyes, looked a little lost and crazy.It was probably because she found the notes in the apartment on the night of the incident, and tremblingly read the content alone, so it is understandable that she was a little out of order. Besides, it's not just Eiko who falls into insanity.You should understand after reading the notes.The same goes for my parents-in-law and me. The four people who have read the notes are all in a state of being severely destroyed in the deepest part of their thinking and feeling.The kind of confession that is divorced from reality but is so vivid is dizzying. In that case, we carried out a series of actions. Even my father-in-law, who is usually kind and gentle, is the only one who is stubborn at this moment. We clean up the mess ourselves, he said.Anyway, we don't have many days left and it's suitable for this errand. As parents, let us send her off for the last time.Then he said, think about the child, if you do it, the child will bear the sin of his father killing his mother for the rest of his life.I will never allow such a thing.The most innocent people must be protected as much as possible. But... those seem to be just excuses.Even if no one objected, I don't think I would be able to do it.I couldn't kill her with my own hands.She wants me to do this kind of thing like crazy, she just somehow overestimates me. I heard that going up along that river, there is a small reservoir deep in the mountains. I first put her to sleep with sleeping pills, then blindfolded her, bound her hands and feet, and sank to the bottom of the lake.Stones were also tied to the body to prevent the body from floating to the surface. That's what my father-in-law said when he handed me her handbag and lock of hair. Although it is useless to say such things now, but in terms of wanting to protect the most innocent person as much as possible... that is, you... everyone agrees on this point.Perhaps it is because of this steadfastness that we can barely get through.Regardless of whether you are related to me by blood or not, that kind of thing is no longer a problem nowadays. Myself, perhaps because I lost a parent very early, would never want you to experience the loss of both or a single parent.I also hope that you will never know that your mother is a murderer. Misako's younger sister, Eomiko, took her place as your mother, a natural occurrence in the family.I never asked for it, and no one deliberately asked for it. It's just that I've been vaguely aware that the reason why Yingshizi has changed people repeatedly is because of me, and she has ulterior motives for me. Perhaps because of the intricate possession of that emotion, after Misako's incident, Eomiko became more and more unstable, and her emotions fluctuated quite violently.She may not have realized it, but it was clear from the helpless look in her eyes that she was asking me for help. They were indeed sisters.Being stared at by her like that, I sometimes fall into a strange illusion, as if I am being watched by Misako. That aside, I also understand that the woman who can thoroughly play your mother is none other than Eomija. If you think about it, the four of us are accomplices.My parents-in-law, Yingshizi and I have to bear the same guilt all our lives. If we want to raise you together, it is most natural for Yingshizi to be your mother.Not just becoming a mother, but becoming Misako herself.We hope that by doing this, you will never find out who your biological mother was or what happened to her. Ying Shizi was shaken very much.On the one hand, I feel that giving up everything in my past and living as Misako and your mother is compensation for my sister; at the same time, I suspect that I will think so, maybe it is just an excuse to be with me, so she seems very distressed. But in the end, Yingshizi still chose to become her sister.Faced with the most fundamental truth that the most innocent must be protected, she could only obey obediently.I think she must have realized that no matter how distressed she is, it is impossible to come to a conclusion. Your hospital stay is longer than expected.After the pneumonia finally got better, for some reason, the tonsils became inflamed, and the ears and nose also became inflamed one after another. There was something wrong here or there.In a way, it's good for us. We move to a strange land where we don't know anyone, and Emiko starts playing Misako. Because they are sisters, their facial features are very similar.Eomiko went on a hunger strike to make herself thinner to the same extent as Misako, and also changed her hairstyle. You seem to have forgotten everything before you were hospitalized, and even the almost drowning incident, so I thought you wouldn't find out... It was a long time before we called the police to search for the missing Eiko. We will hand over the photo of you as a baby, Misako with plump cheeks, falsely claiming that you are Emiko, along with the documents.We're looking for photos that look like no one as much as possible.However, it is impossible for the police to take any action on such a trivial matter as running away from home, so there is no need to do that. Sorry, that's all for today.I've been telling you for years, and besides, my physical strength can't last any longer. I regret that.I had hoped that you would only remember the loving kindness of this mother now.Although it cannot be explained rationally, there is a part of Misako in the current mother.Don't you think so? In vain, we fabricated a fire and destroyed all the photos in the past, but we didn't throw away the handbag and notes where her hair was stored.Really, why do that kind of thing? I originally wanted to find it while I was disposing of it before I died, but I couldn't help procrastinating... In the end, you discovered it by accident, maybe this is some kind of providence. Dad looked really exhausted, livid and almost dead. I didn't say anything to comfort my father, just went downstairs and walked out of the house. My legs were shaking. I should have expected my biological mother to be dead.Even so, hearing my father explain what actually happened was a more violent shock than I expected. And I don't even have a blood relationship with my father. My biological father was a passing man who bought my mother's body. The idea that he was framed was more important than anything else, although he finally learned the truth, he didn't feel the slightest sense of satisfaction. I don't know if I'm angry.Even if I feel that way, it's less about my anger at my father or anyone else than at myself. What makes me angry is that I don't know anything, and I never thought about knowing, and I have lived so stupidly until today. What makes me angry is that I am the only one who didn't pay any price. I was really just a toddler at the time.But even a child, at least one thing...even if it's just a negligible resistance...something you can do for your mother. If only I had cried and screamed frantically to see my mother when I was in the hospital, if only I hadn't lost my pre-hospital memories so easily.At least, it would be great if I could insist more firmly on the matter of my mother being transferred... I hardly remember which way I took to get to the station and how I got back to the shop. I finally found myself when I stood at the window of the room with no lights on, looking blankly at the wild area. I couldn't get rid of my feeling of wanting to die for my mother. Night without a dog The wilderness area is as empty as a lake of black water.How would it feel to be drowned like this while being blindfolded and tied hands and feet? I saw my mother, who was foaming at the mouth, twisting her immobile body and slowly sinking.The endless, presumably forever sinking mother in me, the constant blur of everything around me. It must be very painful, or is it too late to realize what happened? ...Since he is a murderer, there is nothing he can do. This sentence suddenly came to mind.I don't know if I thought of it, it was like someone whispering in my ear. However, those are my own words, the words that come to my mind almost without resistance every time I see executions in the newspapers.Because he is a murderer, there is no way. Killing a murderer is not a murderer. The mother who killed someone, the mother who was bound hand and foot and thrown into the reservoir because she was a murderer.Also, apart from being a man who can buy sex, my father has no way of knowing what he looks like, his background, whether he is alive or dead. I felt the blood of both of them bubbling and merging inside me.Who am I who was born of this blood? A cold shiver climbed from his knees to his waist.In the depths of my heart, an unknown darkness that I had never been aware of before seemed to be eroding me deeply and heavily.