Chapter 12 Chapter Twelve

In the days that followed, there was nothing particularly noteworthy. I can only wait, as if I have lost my soul and am absent-minded.In this chaotic state of mind, it was useless to go on day after day. Only the performance at work even applauds myself secretly.Perhaps it was because of his job that he was able to hold on. After all, the object was a dog.As long as the eyes are paired, it will drooling over and dawdling.At least you don't have to think about other things when you are touching your head and pulling your ears to tease the dog.Being able to have this kind of time may be the greatest salvation.

The pain is after closing. I was left alone at night, and my mind was always full of chaotic thoughts.My mood oscillates between hatred that has nowhere to vent, and sadness that tightens my heart.Knowing that it is a waste of effort, but still thinking about the same thing over and over again. I drink beer non-stop every night. I know I should listen to music or call my brother to change my mood, but for some reason I just don't want to.I just want to sit in a chair and let myself be caught in an endless whirl of thoughts. After the drunkenness permeated the whole body, he fell on the bed without changing his clothes and fell into a light sleep.

One night like this, I suddenly felt a faint movement as if someone was beside me.The distant past was watching your sleeping mother, and she is watching me by my side tonight.I was half asleep, and at the same time I couldn't help being haunted by that thought.Her cold palm seemed to caress my forehead at any moment.The young mother, who died young, the mother named Ying Shizi. I was concentrating on trying to see the blurred facial features, but only the numberless sentences in the notebook continued to overflow, covering the real face of my mother.I always feel that she is calling me from the other side of those words.My mother must have been dead long ago, but for some reason I felt that she was asking me for help.

"Mom..." Even if I called, I couldn't make a sound.Obviously trying to move, but unable to move, only a certain part of the body suddenly convulsed. Although I was helpless and full of anxiety, I still held my breath and continued to think, and a hazy figure gradually appeared in my closed eyes.The summer outfit with bare arms and the white handbag looked at my smiling face, but for some reason, it was Chie.The inner pair of red phoenix eyes, the small mole of tears under the eyes, the woman I want to forget and never forget, is like the breath of spring flowers that I miss.

I suddenly couldn't tell whether the person calling for help was my mother or Chie.But I am sure that no one can be saved, it will only make both of them die, only this kind of premonition is endlessly inflated. I was awakened by my own groan as the fear in my throat surged up.Panting profusely with sweat, thinking that maybe Chie was no longer alive like my mother, I couldn't help sobbing silently. Even so, it finally made it to Sunday. I stayed in the store until the last moment, only to escape during rush hour, when it is most crowded.Not only Ms. Hosoya, but even Nachi, who is usually talkative, never showed any displeasure, which made me uncomfortable.

Like last time, I waited for my father to appear at the coffee shop in front of the station. It would be unnatural for Yohei to visit grandma for two weeks in a row, so this time I can only do it alone. So it would be dangerous for me to stay too long in the study.In case my father came back early after visiting grandma like last week, I wouldn't be able to detect it at all. That way, there's nothing to do but put the third notebook back in place and get out the fourth notebook that hasn't been read, and it won't take five minutes if it's just that. The father who appeared on the road seemed to have lost weight in just a week.The fabric of the shirt on his body swelled and heaved strangely in the air.Even so, he still strode forward with a straight back.

I watched his back go away with complicated thoughts that even I felt melancholy and inexplicable. I left the coffee shop five minutes later and hurried home. Standing in front of the open closet, I was in a daze, overwhelmed. No notes. No matter how much I rummaged through the cartons, I couldn't find the brown paper bag containing the notebook and the handbag. Did my father find out...? I wondered what to do, but of course I couldn't think of a good idea. As a result, knowing it was futile, I started to rummage through the box at hand, another box, another box, and finally dragged all the cartons out of the closet.

The sliding door on the other side was blocked by the bookcase and couldn't be opened at all, so I took a lot of trouble.What I found was old clothes, tableware and other insignificant things, which made me tired of looking at them. At the same time, I went through them again, but I still couldn't find my notes and handbags. The small study was so messy that there was almost nowhere to set foot, and I was completely at a loss what to do. Putting the boxes back in the closet and vacuuming the dusty room took a lot of time.It is impossible to completely restore the original state. As long as the father opens the closet, he will definitely find that the box has been tampered with.But, I don't care anymore.

I went downstairs and drank a beer at the kitchen table and waited for my father. Although the days are long and the nights are short, the sky outside is getting dark. Father came back after seven o'clock. Oh, here you come.He said as usual, and he took a can of beer from the refrigerator. "Papa expected me to come?" I asked. "It's okay." After drinking half of the beer with relish, he put down the can. "It's really hot today." "How is your body?" "Don't keep asking the same thing." I knew he would say that a long time ago, but looking at his wrist with only thick bony joints left, I couldn't help blurting it out.Knowing that his health is impossible to recover, but still can't help but ask.

"Sorry." "No need to apologize." "dad……" "What's wrong?" "Notes, where did you put them?" Father's expression remained unchanged.His expression was so steady that for a moment I almost thought he didn't hear. He didn't seem to care about my gaze, picked up the can and downed the rest of the beer, and let out a sigh of relief.Then he finally looked at me, it should be said, at a certain point in the void between me and him. "Do you have a copy?" "That's right... I really want to read the rest of it. I haven't read the fourth one yet."

It felt like gossiping in the flat. "I thought you just randomly picked out one and took it away, so it turns out that you've read three of them already?" I nod. "It's in vain. It's because I don't want you to see it, so I plan to deal with it while I still have the strength, and find it out." "But once you start watching, you can only see the end." I took the third notebook out of my backpack and put it on the table. Father was silent and didn't read his notes at all. His still slightly out-of-focus gaze was facing me, and his expression was ridiculously similar to that of Yohei when he was having a fight. "Maybe." After a long time, he said coldly, then got up from the chair and walked into the living room next door. He opened the drawer of the small cabinet with the photo of his mother Misako, and took out the brown paper bag.I don't know if he put it next to the photo for some purpose.After walking back, he handed me the brown paper bag and said: "I'm sorry, let me go upstairs and lie down while you're watching. It's useless to say that I have no energy, and just walking a few steps is enough. Call me again after you finish reading." Father rarely shows weakness like this, but I didn't comfort him, I just responded vaguely. Listening to the creaking sound of going upstairs, I pulled out the contents of the paper bag. I finally got the notebook, but thinking that it might be snatched away for some reason, I couldn't help but feel agitated. I hurriedly folded the three books I had already read and put them aside, and picked up the fourth book. I took a deep breath trying to calm myself down, but it didn't seem to work. I can already recite the last paragraph of the third notebook fluently. Years passed like this.Then it starts to crumble. Thinking of the process of collapse, the process of mother's death, it was written in the place to be read next, and the hand that turned the page couldn't help trembling.For a moment I could barely resist the urge not to read, but I couldn't look back. One afternoon, I was walking on the road with my child, when suddenly someone called my maiden name. "Hey, I didn't expect it. It's been a long time. I thought I recognized the wrong person, so I tried to shout out with the intention of trying my luck. Because you are so different from the previous impression. Hmm...how should I put it? It should be said that they look like two different people." This man with bald foreheads is an office supply businessman who often goes to and from the company I used to work for.The price is low, and the goods are delivered immediately after a phone call, so almost all of them buy from him.I was the one who placed the order most of the time. "Hey, are you married? Little brother, hello, what a good boy, how old are you?" The child was shy and afraid of strangers, and only gestured to the man with fingers appropriate for his age. "Is it, is it? It's amazing, what's your name?" This bald man once gave me fancy silk scarves for Christmas.He said it was given to me, so I accepted it after thanking him, but after that, the order business could no longer be carried out normally, which was one of the many reasons why I was kicked out of the company later. "It's rare to have this opportunity. Let's find a place to sit and have a cup of tea. Hey, I can't think of it. I really can't think of it. After a woman gets married, there will be such a big change. I have to ask you about this. After all, I'm here I'm still a lonely bachelor." When a man smiles, he can look inside his dilated mouth. "I have something to do right now, sorry." "Come on, I don't think you are walking very leisurely. I have been watching over there before. I am also on the way to work, but this kind of coincidence should be cherished. Oh, little brother, together with uncle Go drink juice, ah, it's better to eat ice cream." "It's really inconvenient, if you don't leave then..." The man put on an attitude of turning a deaf ear to my words and continued to talk about him. "After all, you resigned suddenly. It's too much, even though it's an old thing. Ah, yes, yes, after a while, there was a murder case in your company. Did you see the newspaper? What? Then you don't know. Um... It's been four years, no, five years. Do you know? The person who was killed was someone we all knew well, guess who?" The bald man declared again that you must be shocked when you hear it, and then he said the name of the man I killed. "Besides, I still beat people to death with the trash cans brought in by my company. It's scary to think about it. You remember, don't everyone use that, the stainless steel product shaped like an umbrella stand, that's the one, that's the one." I hiccupped suddenly, my heart was as stiff as a clenched fist. Shadows burst from the surrounding landscape, suddenly turning into a shimmering hostile backdrop.Everything I saw in front of me seemed to be collapsing from the inside of the body, and I couldn't see the lily heart everywhere.It suddenly occurred to me that before, before I met you, the world always looked like this. "You... what's the matter with you? Hey, it's strange, are you okay? Your face is ashen." I didn't answer because I was afraid that the voice would become weird. "Hey, the child is in pain, look at your hand." Only then did I realize the sound of crying, let go of the little hand I was holding tightly, and then immediately re-held the little hand and walked out. "Wait a minute, wait a minute, something seems wrong." He grabbed my shoulders so hard I almost stumbled. "You want to escape? What are you nervous about? Why didn't you speak suddenly? Could it be that you already knew about that murder case? That murder case...could it be related to you?" He leaned over and peered into my face like a distorted mask. "No, I'm just a little surprised." After saying this, I shook off the bald man's hand and ran away. The child was dragged by me and cried again.Surrounding the high-pitched cries, the scenery and the streets were rolling against each other, as if they would burst apart at any moment.Sure enough, I still can't escape, but I don't know what to do at all. Half a month ago, halfway through dinner, two criminal policemen suddenly came to visit. It was a fat man about fifty years old and a young man with very thin eyebrows. They took out their IDs and reported their names to you who went to open the door. After confirming your name, they said in a courteous tone, "I have something to ask my lord." lady." I didn't want them to come in, so I hurried to come forward, but you still brought the detective into the house. "I'm sorry to interrupt your meal, we won't delay too long." After sitting down at the low table in another room, the older one took out a notepad from his pocket and opened it, read out the name of the bald man, and asked me where and when I met him.More than a month has passed since that incident, and I thought I was fine. The sound of you reading to the child to keep him from making noise comes from the closed door. "Well... Since someone reported the crime, we have the duty to confirm it. But this is really... You changed your surname after marriage, and moved again. It took a lot of effort to find this place." The detective rubbed the back of his neck and smiled.From the beginning to the end, the criminal policeman was always talking, and the other young one just sat silently. "Hey, according to what the informant said, Madam, you seem to know important information about a certain case that happened in the past." Then the criminal policeman said the name of the murdered man and the general case, separated by that and the vivid expression, staring at me like fossilized eyes. "So, you know the victim." "That's the boss of the company I used to work for." My voice didn't tremble, and I think it is absolutely impossible to mess up like last time. "For the record, you were in that company, uh... entered the company about seven years ago and stayed there for about a year." "Yes." I don't remember much, but since the record is like this, it should be. "At the time, you had no, um, any personal dealings with the victim? I mean outside of the workplace." He acted like he was worried about you in the next room, and asked in a low voice. "No." "After you left? Have you seen it anywhere?" "No." "Then, about the murder? Did you already know?" "I only heard about it when I met that person last time." "So it is, so it is." The criminal police frequently wrote in the notepad, while the other person looked at me indifferently. "After you heard about it, how did you feel?" "I'm surprised." "Ok." "Because the news was too sudden, and it was in front of the child." "Well... The reporter said that your attitude seems to be very unusual, and your face is blue and you seem to be in shock. Hey, that's what he said." "I was surprised and wanted to get rid of that man as soon as possible. Because he was stalking me and asking me for tea." "Oh, and this kind of thing." "I said I was in a hurry, but he wouldn't stop. When I was in the company before, he used to tell me some things." The detective frowned and fell silent. After writing something again, he closed the notepad with a snap. I thought he was going to say that fingerprints were necessary for prudence.I remember only wiping the trash can and doorknobs back then. "Excuse me. I've got the general situation, so that's all." After putting on his shoes in the narrow opening, the fat criminal policeman tried his best to turn around aggrieved. "After all, it was a case five years ago, and we used all kinds of methods to investigate it. Unless there is a big event, it is difficult to dig out any new evidence. Really, it is nerve-wracking. Excuse me, Thank you and goodbye." After the criminal police left, I packed up the dinner I didn't want to eat anymore. At this time, you took the child to take a bath as usual. "Does what happened just now have anything to do with you?" You questioned me after we lay flat on the bed. "I also thought that you would do that in the past, maybe it was some kind of atonement. Didn't I ask you if it was like this?" When we first met, you asked me if I was a prostitute to atone for my sins, which still impresses me. "Could it be the murder they mentioned just now? You're doing it for that atonement?" "No, I have nothing to do with that kind of murder." "Then why didn't you tell me about the accidental encounter between you and the man who reported the crime?" "Because I don't think it's worth mentioning, I just forget." "You didn't lie, did you?" "I'm not lying." "I see." You reached out from under the quilt to hold my hand, looking up at the ceiling.Her lips were pressed tightly together, as if she wanted to press the words that came out one by one back to the bottom of her heart without being turned into sound. At last you turned to me and whispered in a tense voice: "I... I haven't forgotten. The thing that killed that child has become a part of me, and I can't forget it even if I want to. Just because I am very happy now, it reminds me of that child..." Then you fall silent, seemingly concentrating on what you just said. After a long time, when I thought you were asleep, you whispered again: "From now on, as long as there is something wrong, you have to tell me. Because we are husband and wife." Then, you said "good night," and let go of your grip. The matter of lying to you opened a small crack invisibly. Everything that used to surround me leaked through that crack bit by bit, and day after day, week after week, the air became thinner and thinner. Every night, you say "I'm home." The act of undoing your tie with your free hand as soon as you walk in the door remains the same.Just now, when you were teaching a child to do somersaults after taking a bath, and you rolled along with him, you looked as carefree as ever.So, I even thought, maybe nothing has changed, maybe you haven't noticed this change in the atmosphere. But you were in bed tonight, although you hugged me like a child, you didn't respond to the cries from my body.You have been refusing to answer me for a long time.As long as they can merge again in the feeling of wanting to die, maybe the crack can be plugged. Is this punishment?You already know I'm lying, right? I'm writing this at a time like this because I can't sleep. After the day the detective came to my door, I thought about writing down all the truths I couldn't tell you in my notebook.Just like writing to reminisce about Photon a few years ago. Even if I write an article, I don't know if I have the courage to show it to you, but once I start writing, I can't stop.No matter day or night, whenever I am alone, I feel as if I am possessed by the pen. But even at such moments, I can clearly feel the cracks creaking, creaking, gradually widening.I must try to stop it, I must stop it.If you don't hurry up, the crack will probably be like the dark well at the mouth of Xiaoman's yard.No, it might have become like that a long time ago, waiting for an opportunity to engulf me from head to toe. Earlier, if I had been asked that when you first became you, I probably would have told the whole story of what I had done without thinking.How many people were killed?How was it killed?What was it like?Say it all. At first, I could tell you such things and kill you.I can't speak now, maybe because I can't kill you anymore. why?Because there is no need to kill you by force.Because in the life I've lived with you, that feeling of dying together, very slowly, has been haunting me.The deeper the feeling of dying, the happier and more alive the world seems to be around us. The reason why I haven't thought about the lily heart for a long time, I think it must be because it surrounds me naturally, without thinking about it.In your voice saying "This is fate," in the sapphire you gave me in the ring your mother left behind, in the secret kisses of the night, in the tiny seeds of the hill leeches , anywhere, anytime, has it. I don't know why, it's just that in these years, like magic that I have never seen, lights are always on around me. The magic was broken because I told a lie. But, it's strange.A long time ago, before I even met you, I did you a terrible thing that lying can't match, when the little boy died with his neck broken. Wouldn't that be more sinful? My head is a mess.Whenever I want to think seriously about something, there is always such a mess. It's true that I sent you to hell in that park.But because of what I did, you became my you.If it wasn't for the park thing, you wouldn't feel guilty and involved with dirty whores that much, would you? Ah, what should I do?If in order to meet you, I can only push you to hell. Everything is doomed by fate, so there is nothing to do?The moment the little boy's sister's hat was swept away by a sudden wind in the park, everything was decided?It should be like this when we met Honkai. Is everything from meeting to Honkai a punishment for me? The thought of being locked up in a small space for years and months while waiting for the death penalty made me almost mad with fear.The almost suffocating pain burned his chest. Why the sudden thought of the death penalty? Could this weird heartache be what you call guilt?Has your guilt finally infected me too? Unknowingly, I lay down on the half-written paper and seemed to sleep for about an hour. It will be dawn soon.I had a strange dream. I'm looking for snails, as I used to, to drop into the dark well.But it was not Xiaoman's family's big yard with trees and ponds, it was the single room where I was imprisoned before execution.There is still the well by the wall in the corner, and there is nothing to do in that narrow space every day except thinking about the well.I needed plenty of snails, and fortunately the damp stone walls of the cell were covered with many fat snails.But today it either failed to catch it, or let it slip away without catching any of them.I felt the gravity of the bottomless darkness wrap around me.Just when my body was paralyzed and I could barely breathe, a snail finally fell off, so I hurriedly reached out to catch it.It was the child curled up into a ball like a snail that rolled down the palm of his hand.He looked at me and grinned.Ah, that's dangerous, just drop this particular snail down a dark well and you'll be fine.Now I can be relieved.I thought so, and smiled at him. These days, I'm imagining the same thing over and over again.In any case, I can't help but pray, if you can do to me what I did to Photon, that would be great.Until now, I even feel that from the moment I called you for you for the first time, I have been holding this wish. Any method will do, but death at your hands will save me from falling alone into that dark well.I'm sure I'll gradually lose consciousness shining brightly with joy, and I can definitely become your memory completely.If so, I have nothing to fear. That's an impossible luxury.Doing so would make you a murderer, and it would make you feel more guilty than ever. It's almost time for you to wake up.I make coffee and make breakfast as usual. It doesn't matter to me, I feel very calm, or should I say, like an empty shell.What exactly was emptied?My flat self seemed to have been reduced to nothing more than one of the worldly landscapes of distorted scenery. It feels weird to reread what I wrote now and it almost seems like someone else wrote it. Are there actually no cracks at all? Yes or no, what has changed or what hasn't changed, I gradually can't tell. The dream I had yesterday haunted my mind. Of all the wreckage around, that particular snail dream was the only one that was so vivid, so I couldn't help but wonder, what would happen if that child was actually allowed to die? Why do you think that as long as you follow your dreams, your wishes will come true? Does it mean that as long as you sacrifice you and my most beloved baby, the fate can also be changed? But knowing that you will be very sad, why do I still have this idea? Something was wrong, I knew that, and of course I didn't believe the hints of the dream.Just thinking about it, I can no longer stop it. Because Xiaoman, Mitsuko, Ramen, and the little boy who died in the park are all calling for that child.The sound of them yelling come here, come here, grew louder and louder inside me, blinding me. I probably don't understand what sadness is, and maybe that's why I do things that make you sad. Ahhh, but I can't get out of here without doing something amazing that will destroy everything around me. A mother who kills her child should not live, and at the bottom of the grief, you must think so too.If I beg you at that time, you will definitely help me die with your own hands, and you should fulfill my wish.If you let me who killed the child die, you don't have to feel guilty at all. I can only bet on that. The crack only needs to be closed with force, and I will do anything for it.Even a crack where I'm not even sure it exists, but a crack is a crack.The fissure, not sure whether it exists, is right here, in this tingling brain, directly connected with the dark well. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I can't stop. I want the child to die easily. I'm thinking of any way to do it. The child came out of me through me, so is it mine? However, that child does not belong to you, his father is a bastard who knows nowhere, and his mother is a murderer.Yes, he's got bad blood in him, so it's better to let him die. This is the end of this notebook, and I will not write any more. A few days later, when you see this it will all be over, and I'll probably be dead too. Because as long as I'm alive, I won't have the courage to let you see the notes. You can't keep me alive. Only being killed by you is my salvation. because you are my you... Please never forget this. Even so, if the day you say it's fate that magic can be done again, if I can live to be hugged by you, I want to have another baby. Instead of this child who will be killed by me, this time, I want to give birth to your real child. I think so. I went up to the top of the stairs and could see the sliding door of the study was open. Father folded the seat cushion in half and used it as a pillow to lie on the tatami mat.I thought he was asleep, but when I stood at the door, "Have you seen it?" he asked in a low voice, his back turned to me. "Yeah." I walked into the room and sat down. "Shall I get you a towel?" I noticed it and asked, but my father didn't answer. He moved his body with difficulty and turned to lie on his back, staring at the ceiling. "Since you have seen the end, you should have guessed the general situation." "I have some ideas." "Really? That's easy to talk about. Come on, just ask if you have anything to say." Father's face was ashen.I really want to put this matter aside and get him some porridge if possible so that he can have a good rest.Yet there was a strong premonition that if we didn't take this opportunity to make it clear, we would never be able to talk. "Is it the person who wrote that notebook who gave birth to me?" "yes." "At that time, my mother's subordination was true. My father, my current mother, and my grandparents joined hands to deceive me when I was young." "Yes, exactly." "Yingshizi is my biological mother's name." My father looked away from the white ceiling and looked at me for the first time. "Where did you hear the name?" "I got the expungement transcript from the Maebashi City Office. It states that this person has disappeared. But the whole family conspired to kill that person, right?" It can be seen that the father's emaciated and decrepit body suddenly shrank.His wide eyes didn't try to turn away, they were still looking at me. Finally, he turned his face slowly and closed his eyes. "That's not right. You were not born to Emiko, but Misako, so the person who wrote that notebook was also Misato." "Ah? But, Mom..." I was dumbfounded. "By the mother you are talking about, do you mean the mother who just passed away? That mother is actually Emiko. In other words, she is the younger sister of your biological mother, Misako." My father seemed to wait for me to understand, he was silent for a moment, and then spoke again.He still has his eyes closed. "From the day our family moved to Komagawa City and you were discharged from the hospital, Eomiko has been faking her age and living as her older sister Misako." "Then, the one who was killed was..." "...Misako." The words Misako, which was written in light strokes on fuzzy Japanese paper, came to mind.That is the hair of my real mother, the real Misako.Is this the truth? The fog that shrouded my mind gradually dissipated. To put it bluntly, there is only that possibility.It is obvious that I have come to a place that is only one step away, why didn't I think of it before. I suddenly thought, my brother must have noticed it a long time ago, right?If you compare the previous events with the contents of the expelled transcript, you may have drawn a conclusion with your mind.At that time, he said that he would stay in Tokyo overnight, and he would not contact me when he came back. Could it be that he avoided me because he didn't want to talk about it? Once upon a time, my father opened his eyes again and stared at the ceiling. "Why did you kill her? Because she wanted to kill me?" Father shook his head slightly as if in denial, but did not answer. I have nothing to ask, just wait silently. Finally, his father's lips trembled, and he began to speak as if he was about to squeeze out every word.